Sunday, June 28, 2009

CHUCK NORRIS!!!!:A Bio

Man, what a messed up week. We lost four celebrities in one week. Today we lost Billy Mays, oh I'm sorry I said his name wrong, BILLY MAYS!!!!!!!!, which I think sucks cause I kinda enjoyed having him around. Sure all the yelling was annoying but it was a gimmick to sell stuff and by george it worked. And if they were to make a movie based on BILLY MAYS!!!!!!!!, you know who I think should play him?

Chuck Norris, or CHUCK NORRIS!!!!



Yes, starting July 2nd I will be kicking off CHUCK NORRIS!!!!, a month long celebration on the man and his collective works. Just so we're clear, I won't be doing a movie each day. That's TOO much CHUCK NORRIS!!!! But it'll be spread across the month. I'll be doing most of his popular movies, some not-so-popular, and of course a week of Walker: Texas Ranger. Hells yes.

Before we start though, I thought I'd take some time to talk about a few things from his personal life. I know, you could easily look it up yourself (I get my facts from Wikipedia, soon to be a book!) but since I dont know how to edit wikipedia to make it say stuff in my words (Weird Al does though) I figured it'd be entertaining to hear it from me.

Chuck Norris was born Carlos Norris sometime in the 40's. Oddly enough, he didn't instantly start kicking ass and producing roundhouse kicks throughout school. He was teased and bullied cause he was part Irish and part Indian. He's like Billy Jack! But much cooler!

Eventually, he took up karate and learned how to kick ass. He signed up for the Air Force and was sent to South Korea where he learned how to kick some more ass. After all this ass kicking, Norris said "I kinda like this" and decided to base a carrer around it.

He came back to American and pretty much did a Daniel Larusso and partake in tournaments. He kicked so much ass he won awards for Best Ass Kicker and HOLY SHIT THIS DUDE ISN'T FUCKING AROUND GIVE HIM THIS AWARD NOW!!!! which I happen to own as well (one of three things me and Chuck Norris have in common)

He was hired by Hollywood as a fight instructor (maybe even Dolemite?) and eventually someone said to him "Hey, acting is easy" and Chuck went "Ok" and then proceeded to kick Hollywood's ass.

Then something bad happened. Chuck's brother Weiland was killed in Veitnam. Obviously, this upset him and he decided to make a series of movies dedicated to our troops. I will be covering just a few of these series.

Eventually, in the 80's, early 90's the world was starting to get tired of Norris. "Yeah, yeah you're a cop/sheriff/good guy and you roundhouse kick a bad guy to death. Hey, what's Arnold Swartzenegger up to?" So Norris said "Fuck you all, I'll do a TV show!" and he did.

Where he played a cop/sheriff/good guy delievering roundhouse kicks to bad guys.

Eventually, the internet was invented and someone said "Hey, Chuck Norris is such a badass he can do badass things!" and the Chuck Norris Fact Generator was born! This re-birthed his popularity, despite the fact he backed Mike Huckabee for President. It don't bother me that Chuck Norris is a republican (and, uh, pro-Pro 8 but whatever) I'm not a class warrior or whatever. So it shouldn't bother you. Cause Chuck Norris can kill you with a hair folicle.

So this should be a fun month. First up is gonna be Silent Rage. You are all in for a treat.
-Jason

The Fight For #...10?: Week 25 Results

Fletch bought up an interesting point in the comments on Friday's post. How was the scoring gonna look like if, say, one of our picks happened to land on #11 or beyond? I didn't think this would happen cause it seemed like two of the movies that's been on the top ten list for a few weeks now was ready to at least leave. Turned out I was simultaniously right and wrong about this. Looking at the top ten from imdb today it looks like this:



As you see, my pick "Land of the Lost" is nowhere to be found. Strange cause it came out the weekend of my birthday and I didn't think it was a bad movie, or did that badly. Now here it is four weeks later and it's already out of sight. Strange.

Well, I looked up on another site all the movies that landed in #11 and beyond.



So now I was at a crossroads. Here was a stupid game that I invented but I couldn't come up with a good scoring system. I'm gonna blame Michael Bay cause it's what I love to do. Damn you Bay!!!

Thankfully, Fletch came up with a good scoring system and I hope he doesn't mind if I use it. Fletch, you have your own scoring system. You have offically made your mark on the world. Here's how Fletche's Scoring System For Jason's Stupid Game (trademark) looks:
1 - 1
2 - 2
3 - 3
4 - 4
5 - 5
6 - 6
7 - 7
8 - 8
9 - 9
10 - 10
11 - 9
12 - 8
13 - 7
14 - 6
15 - 5
and so on.

So this weeks scores are:
Me April: 9
Fletch Rachael M.: 8

Total Scores:
Rachael M.: 37
Fletch: 36
Me: 32
Highway: 10
April: 9

Making Rachael M. the winnar!! Congratulations! You get "The Room"! Enjoy!

I'm gonna go ahead and say right now I'm gonna take July off from this game to work out some kinks in the system and maybe devise a new take on it. I'll keep you updated. I do wanna thank each and every one of you who takes the time to play this and for sticking with it. I have fun and it looks like you have fun.
-Jason

Friday, June 26, 2009

The Fight For #...10? Week 25

"Transformers 2: Why Is Michael Bay Still A Dickhead?" came out on Wednesday and because teenagers and parents (no offense if you're either) are retarded, this movie earned roughly 800 trillion dollars in two days. There's no question that this is going to be the number 1 movie this weekend.

So what does that mean for us and this little game? Sure it'd be an easy 10 points to everyone, but this is the last weekend of June, the weekend where it all matters. It's put up or shut up. My way or the highway. You'll be my regular Saturday night thing. Win one for the Zipper!! AMERICA! FUCK YEAH!

What was I talking about? Oh yeah.

So this week I'm gonna do something different. I want you guys to predict which movie is gonna be at the #10 spot. And whoever guesses that correctly gets 10 points. And the point system will be the same but reverse. Whoever guesses the #9 spot gets 9 points and so on.

And remember a prize is up for grabs so good luck!

Also coming out this week is "My Sisters Keeper", something to keep all the women preoccupied while their manly men watch Michael Bay's boner for 2 hours.

My guess for #10 is gonna be Land of the Lost, since Transformers and My Sisters Keeper will be bumping two films off the top ten, most likely this will pull Land of the Lost to the last spot.

Here's last week's top ten:



Good luck!
-Jason

Thursday, June 25, 2009

New Review: Oversexed Rugsucker From Mars


I really hope there is a review when you click this link, cause I'm still not sure if this is a real movie or not.

Oversexed Rugsucker From Mars


And if there isn't, don't tell me. Let me live a lie. Thanks.
-Jason

Wednesday, June 24, 2009

Movies I Like: Ginger Snaps

(Originally reviewed on 7/24/06)

At this point in my life, "Ginger Snaps" is my favorite werewolf movie made and starring Canadians. Unless someone comes out with "Why You Biting Me, Eh?", I doubt that's gonna change. And I knew I was in for a treat just by the opening shot.

A baby is playing in his sandbox and the mom checks out what he's doing. It turns out he's playing with the entrails of a dog. The mom freaks, grabs the baby, and runs out into the street screaming "THEY KILLED BAXTER!" That was the dog's name, not Ted Baxter from "Mary Tyler Moore". But that'd be funny to see. "LOU! A werewolf KILLED me! News at 11!"

Anyway, we then meet The Fitzgerald sisters, Bridgette and Ginger. Since Bridgette is called B and it's a lot easier to type then Bridgette, I'll call her that. Yes, I'm lazy, so sue me. Anyway, B and Ginger are obsessed with death, up to the point where they take pictures of them in various poses that makes it look like they died. They then show this collection of photos to school, where they are immedately accepted by the entire school population. Or so they thought was gonna happen.

In reality, they are laughed at and shunned and picked on. Of course, this movie is pure fantasy. Girls never get picked on and made fun of. NOOO! Dorky nerdy kids named Jason get picked on!! ALL THE TIME!!! HOW DO YOU LIKE IT GIRLS?!? HUH?? HUH?!?!?!

Ok, sorry. I took a pill. I'm fine. Anyway, B and Ginger decide to get even with one of the girls Trina. So that night they go out to do something mean to her dog, but they find it dead already (I think...this part did confuse me.) Then it's at THIS time that Ginger gets her period. Seriously, she just looks down and there's blood flowing out of "down there". Ginger and B freak out, then Ginger freaks out even more when she's attacked by a werewolf.

The werewolf runs into the street and gets runned over by Sam, the local drug dealer. Ginger and B run home and find Ginger is all scratched to hell, but she starts to slowly heal.

Now the movie takes a turn for the fun. Ginger is growing hair on her body (not in places you'd expect), and she is growing a tail. Then something weird happens: she becomes POPULAR! Seriously, she's like all HOT now! All of a sudden it's like "Jawbreaker" with a werewolf theme. Ginger hooks up with Jason...

Wait. There's a character named Jason and he isn't a loser, a douche, or a psycho? AND he hooks up with the hot chick? YES!!! MY DAY HAS COME!!!

Oh. Sorry. Again. Anyway, Ginger is totally dissing B, while B worries about Ginger turning into a werewolf. So she gets some help from Sam, the drug dealer.

Just to recap the plot: two Canadian sisters who are into death, one of them is bitten by a werewolf and gets her period all in the same day. She grows a tail, becomes hot, and disses her sister, who hooks up with a drug dealer to help the sister no longer be a werewolf. There ya go. I love this movie.

The movie gets crazier when Ginger forces Jason into having sex (WOO!), then she comes home and eats the neighbor's dog (seriously). B decides she needs to heal Ginger quickly.

The next day, Jason appears at school all beat up and when he goes to the bathroom, he starts pissing blood. OH GOD OW!! It turns out that cause Jason had unprotected sex with Ginger, he now is turning into a werewolf. Figures. Us Jason's can't get a fuckin' break.

So Sam tells B there is one way to cure Ginger: grind up some plant I can't spell or pronounce and inject it into Ginger. While B gets the plant, Trina stops by asking what happened to her dog (the one I'm assuming was dead at the beginning when Ginger was attacked). When Trina attacks B, Ginger goes into attack mode and pounces on her. B is begging Ginger to stop, so she lets go of Trina, who falls on the floor cause of some spilt milk and dies. Seriously. Slipped on milk. Fell. Dead. I don't know but trust me, it's funny when you see it.

Right at this moment, Mom and Dad come home, so they hide the body in their meat freezer and they use the blood on the floor as a "prop for another death photo". Mom tells them to clean up when they're done and goes to the freezer. Now it's an episode of "Three's Company" where B has to distract Mom so she don't look in the freezer to find Crissy making out with Mr. Furley's son or something.

Once Mom is out of the room, Ginger and B bury the body in the back yard. The next day, everyone finds that Trina is missing and Jason is in stage two of Werewolf herpes. B is really freaking out here and tries to find that plant to cure Ginger and now Jason. Luckily, Mom got it somehow, so she steals some and takes it to Sam, who cooks it up like heroin. Hey, he's a drug dealer, that's his power: to make antidotes through drug methods. If he was a superhero, he'd be Super Supplier or something.

So B decides to test this werewolf heroin on Jason to see if it works and it does indeed work. So B locks Ginger in the bathroom at home so Sam could make some more (Why didn't they just make some more there? Eh, this movie isn't that perfect I guess), but Ginger escapes and goes to school, where she's caught flashing her nice tits to some kids. She is sent to the principal's office.

B finds Ginger there and finds the principal quite dead. B freaks out and decides to clean up after this mess. So she gets the janitor's supplies and while she's doing that, the janitor comes to the principal's office where Ginger kills him immedately. B is finally fed up and tells Ginger to go fuck herself and leaves.

Meanwhile, Mom is working in the garden and she finds Trina's body. She goes into "my babies aren't killers, I'll protect them" mode and hunts down B. She says she's gonna kill their Dad, blow up the house with his and Trina's body in it, move away (to America I'm assuming), and start over with just them girls. B first has to get Ginger, who is at a party thrown by Sam. Ginger tries to seduce Sam, but he isn't down with beastiality, no matter how many titties she has, so she breaks his arm.

B comes up with a plan: she's gonna turn herself into a werewolf by cutting open her hand and mixing it with Ginger's blood. Then when they go home, B will inject them both with the heroin. Sam comes along to make the stuff but when they get there, Ginger has transformed into a full fledged werewolf!!

Sam quickly bakes up one needles worth of heroin before he gets killed by Ginger. Now B is on the hunt, she's after her. Lost in a cloud, I'm lost, then I'm found and she's HUNGRY LIKE THE WOOOOLF!!!! So there's a chase scene in the house, where WereGinger is chasing B, B drops the needle, B finds the needle, B fights off WereGinger until B accidently stabs her with a knife. This kills WereGinger and we get a depressing ending when B looks at all the death photos they took at the beginning and remember a much easier time when they were only pretending to kill each other. How sad. The movie ends setting us up for the sequel.

Phew! I love dark comedies about Canadian werewolves who are horny menstrating chicks. I'm looking forward to the sequel, but I'm willing to bet I'm gonna be disappointed. There's no way it can be better than this. But I will keep you updated.

Tuesday, June 23, 2009

My Entire Movie Collection

I made a video showing off my movie collection.



-Jason

Monday, June 22, 2009

Oh Hi My Readers

The Room



(This review is for Film For The Soul's "Counting Down The '00's".)

This movie was made and kinda released in 2003. It didn't get a huge opening and writer, director, producer, exectuive producer (I guess he don't know the difference either) AND star Tommy Wiseau spent the rest of his 50 dollar budget to rent a billboard for 5 years in L.A. My friend Adam was lucky enough to see this, but unfortunately it's been taken down. Damn. Anyway.

It soon enough got played at midnight shows and became a cult classic. But if you never seen this movie before, you're probably wondering "Is this movie really that bad?" Well, here goes.

In all my years writing reviews for bad movies, I've always figured you, the readers, were just taking my word how bad those movies are, maybe not even believing it could be THAT bad. Hell, I had people say to me that High School Musical isn't THAT bad. But here, this one time, I must ask you to trust me, believe in me, when I say:

This movie is fucking awful.

It's hard to do a proper review of this thing cause if you look at it, collectively, it's like every scene is really a short story involving the same 5 characters. Or like short versions of "90210" episodes or something. Cause things that happen in one scene is never mentioned ever again and lines of dialouge is repeated as if they were trying to market a catch phrase or something.

Basically, we focus on Johnny, played by Tommy. That sounds confusing I know, but bear with me. Johnny apparently is wealthy and is engaged to Lisa, or as he calls her "Leesah!" I forgot to mention that Tommy is from Non-America and speaks in a weird accent that reminds me of Christopher Walken making fun of someone with Down Syndrome.

Johnny brings home Lisa a silky red dress and wants her to put it on but here comes character #3, Denny. Denny is some kid Johnny sorta adopted and instead of having him live in the same apartment, put him in an apartment in the same building. Considering one of the plots in an upcoming short story, this was probably a bad idea.

Denny doesn't get the hint that Johnny and Lisa want to bone and lingers around way too long, even saying "I just like to watch you guys". Instead of ordering a restraining order, Johnny does his characteristic laugh "HA HA HA HA". Denny finally leaves, but only climbs on the window ledge to watch the following scene and beat off.

So we get sex scene number 1 and I suspect either Tommy worked for Cinemax or Cinemax produced this film at one point. You see plenty of boobs but the area Tommy is digging in is nowhere near Lisa's enterance if you get my meaning. It looks as if he's humping her pelvis, or even her belly button, which is a disturbing image. Speaking of disturbing images, we're treated to a shot of Tommy's wonderfully shaped ass.

[Image not found cause Jason was puking his guts out]

Short story #1 comes to an end and short story #2 begins with Lisa changing her mind about Johnny and wanting to leave him cause he's boring. He mentions this to her mom Claudette, who's a bitch in her own way. Claudette more or less tells Lisa that she's worthless and wouldn't be any good on her own so she needs Johnny and his money to survive. Then Claudette casually mentions she has breast cancer, which Lisa waves off.

Short story #2 ends.

We now meet Mark, a friend of Johnny's. Lisa decides to bone Mark and guilts him into it, which is easy actually. After another 20 minute sex scene where Mark was probably humping her femur (probably a sex fetish for that. Rule 34 n all), Lisa wants to leave Johnny for Mark.

Johnny meanwhile walks all over San Francisco (I been mentioning that city a lot lately, haven't I?) and wonders into a flower shop where the funniest scene happens. I'll post the clip cause even though you should seen this travasty on your own, you need to at least see this:



Lisa orders a weird pizza and gets Johnny drunk. They fuck some more.

Later, Lisa claims Johnny hit her, but "she don't know what she is talking about. I did not hit her. Oh, hi Mark."

There's a story involving Denny owing money to some drug dealer and the dealer is here to collect. But Johnny and Mark beat down the dealer. And that's the end of this story.

More humping from Lisa and Johnny and Lisa and Mark. Some near humping from two random characters that occassionally appear in the other stories. More scenes of Lisa acting cold to Johnny. Then we get this wonderful line:



Ok, no more videos from this movie.

Johnny and Mark run around the city throwing a football. Johnny, Mark, and Denny run around the roof throwing a football. Johnny, Mark, Denny, and some other guy who vanishes after this scene run around in tuxedos throwing a football. Johnny sets up a tape recorder by the phone which actually come up again. I think this is just the longest short story in the entire movie though.

Now it's Johnny's birthday and the only gift he got is the knowledge that Lisa and Mark been fucking during every other short story. Johnny is pissed, plays back a phone conversation between Lisa and Mark. Lisa leaves and Johnny trashes the room. Then Johnny puts a gun in his mouth and cause he's too beautiful to live, shoots himself.

Sorry to be spoilerific but I doubt you really care. Of course it's after this act that Lisa realizes she belongs with Johnny and hates Mark. Too bad Johnny died. I was looking forward to the sequel The Room 2: The Rug Tied It Together, Man.

There's not one redeeming featuring about this movie. It's awful, full of plot holes the size of my head, and if I ever see Tommy Wiseau's ass again I'm probably gonna kill any living thing within a 10 mile radius.



-Jason

Sunday, June 21, 2009

The Fight For #1: Week 24 Results



Jeez I suck.

This Week's Scores
Rachael M., Fletch, Highway: 10
Me: 7

Total Scores:
Rachael M.: 29
Fletch: 28
Me: 23
Highway: 10


Oh well, it's still part of the fun. If I was getting 10 points every week, you guys would just roll your eyes and go "Ugh" and never play again.

Since I'm giving away "The Room", I do strongly recommend the Rifftrax to go along with it. It's freakin' hilarious. Check it out here.
-Jason

Friday, June 19, 2009

To Boldly Go...Where We've Been A Billion Times Before

Star Trek: The Motion Picture
(Originally written on 7/16/06, I should've posted this when the reboot "Star Trek" was around. Oh well.)



I am not a "Trekkie" by any means. Them people scare me. I am, however, an occasional viewer of Star Trek and quite enjoy it. Just cause I watch Star Trek doesn't mean I'm gonna run out and get plastic surgery on my ears so they'll be pointy. Or will I develope a speech impediment like Kirk. No, I am just a simple viewer.

I remember fondly seeing Star Trek 2: The Wrath of Khan when I was a kid and even back then finding something pretty humorous about "KHAAAAAN!!!" My personal favorite is possibly Star Trek 4: The Voyage Home, mainly cause it involves time travel. Sure people panned it cause it had a stupid eco-friendly message in it about saving the dolphins, which at the time the movie was made much of humanity seemed to have a huge hard-on about. But it's still my favorite. The rest seem kind of a blur to me. So I rented Star Trek: The Motion Picture to see if the first film in the series holds up to the rest. And I'm here to tell you...

No. No it does not.

A bunch of Klingons are attacking some thing that looks like it came from a Pink Floyd album cover when they get killed. Some other people in a space ship that we shouldn't really care about cause they'll be killed later on, witness this and run back to Starfleet, screaming "MOMMY! MOMMY!"

On Earth, Admiral James T. Kirk arrives at Starfleet and DEMANDS that the brand spankin' new Enterprise be up and ready in an hour! Everyone is confused onto why and Kirk just goes "Trust me. MU-HAHAHAHA!" Then he meets up with Scotty, who took a break from his usual heavy drinking to meet Kirk and board the Enterprise.

On the way, Kirk tells Scotty everything must be ready in time cause that Pink Floyd Album Cover is on it's way to Earth! And it must be stopped! So they take a 20 minute trip to the Enterprise and another 15 minutes is spent on 800 different angles of The Enterprise, to give Trekkies enough time to jerk off to the image.

When I woke up from the boredom, Kirk boards Enterprise and has the bad task of telling Captain Decker that he's being demoted to Commander so Kirk can get his jollies off by being Captain again. By the way, you know who plays Decker? That dude who plays the priest or whatever on "7th Heaven". I know, weird right?

So with Decker's balls being handed to him by Kirk, he scampers off, probably to cry in his quarters. Soon, the rest of the crew come aboard and last but not least to arrive is Bones, who has a beard and probably a gut the size of Rubben Studdard. Bones is his usual self, but accepts the mission and goes off to shave and drink some Trimspa.

You're probably asking yourself "Where's Spock?" Well...he's on Vulcan, getting ready to recieve his first communion or some crap, when he gets distracted. This pisses off the high priestess of Vulcan and she storms off in a huff. Spock steals the tacky necklace that was to be placed on him and he leaves.

So finally, at the one hour mark, Enterprise takes off. Kirk is all like "Go to Warp 1" and Decker is all like "NOOO!!" and Kirk is like "Do it now, bitch!" and Decker is like "WAH! MOMMY! KIRK ISN'T PLAYING FAIR!" and Sulu engages to Warp 1.

Soon, a trippy sequence appears where everyone is inside a worm hole (I bet Sulu isn't a stranger to entering holes. HA!) and for some reason, everyone is moving and talking in slow motion. Instead of the film being slowed down, the actors are obviously just moving and talking all slow. Witnessing William Shatner talking in slow speed is just hilarity. Pure hilarity.

Anyway, they find a meteor and Chekov blasts it and the wormhole vanishes (Damn hemorrhoid.) and things return to normal. In between plot points, we are introduced to a minor plot point. There is a bald chick on board named Ilia (Played by somewhat hot chick Persis Khambatta, at least when she has hair) who seems to have gotten it on with Decker. But she's like totally denying it happened cause she goes into "Deny" mode when anyone talks to her.

It's like "Hi Ilia!" and she goes "I have a vow of celebacy!! REALLY!! I am like other human females! I'm celebate!!!" and the guy is like "Um, I just wanted to know if you're gonna finish that pickle." But you know Decker and Ilia totally did it. WOO!

Anyway, Spock just appears on board all out of nowhere and doesn't talk to anyone. He goes to a computer and says "I can fix your Warp engine" and does so. Soon, they're able to reach Warp 9 without their heads and various other body parts exploding.

A bunch more boring stuff happens that I won't get into, so let's just get to the main plot, shall we?

They find the Pink Floyd Album Cover and they try to make themselves as friendly as possible. The Album says "Hm, ok." and lets them into the cover. Inside they rock out to "Wish You Were Here" and "Shine On You Crazy Diamond" and "Pigs". Soon, a large white beam appears and starts scanning the bridge. Ilia touches this and suddenly vanishes. Decker cries out "NO!!!!" and cries some more. But Kirk gets over it and just demands that someone replace her soon!

More flying inside the album cover when out of nowhere Ilia appears again! But she's NUDE! And she has a lozenge stuck in her throat that glows bright red. She's not Ilia anymore she's a BORG! No wait...wrong series. She's just some kind of robot thing that talks for the Album Cover.

She tells us the Album Cover is named Vejur and that it wants to know what's up with the people inside Enterprise. So RoboIlia and Decker, who's drooling the whole time, shows her around the Enterprise.

Yada, yada yada, more boring stuff. Spock attempts to mind meld with Vejur but goes into a panic. Kirk is getting all pissed off and gets pissed off even more when he finds they are at Earth and Vejur has some weapons of mass destruction planted around Earth and will set them off if Kirk does not lead him to his creator. Kirk doesn't know who the creator is, but bullshits his way through it, saying he'll tell him but only to Vejur's face. So RoboIlia takes Kirk, Spock, Bones (Why? In case someone needed to get yelled at?), and Decker deep inside the Album Cover and they find dead in the center of it...

A Earth made satellite. WHAT?! THAT'S IT?!?! A FUCKIN SATELLITE!!! ARRGH!!!

So what happened is this. In the "20th century", NASA lauched something called Voyuger IV. And if you cover up the "oyu" you get "V-ger" aka Vejur. Yes. Let THAT wrap around your brain for a few minutes. Anyway, Kirk realizes this thing came to life on it's own, much like Johnny Five, and has been trapsing across the galaxy for thousands of years and decided to come back to Earth to meet with NASA. But NASA don't exist anymore. So Kirk has to bullshit his way out of this again, which involves looking up some code NASA had to destruct a satellite or some crap.

Decker says the only way Vejur will be destroyed is if it got it on with a human and since Vejur is talking through a female, only a male can do it. And since Decker isn't a beloved character from the 60's series, it must be him. So Decker gets naked, gets it on with Ilia, and the entire Album Cover explodes or implodes or something like that, with the Enterprise all safe and sound. Kirk says "Go thataway" (seriously) and their new 5 year mission begins. I guess.

This isn't my favorite Star Trek movie, but it could be worse. The effects were pretty awful but I see this was made in 1979, which isn't a year known for high tech effects. I mean, Battlestar Galactia and Doctor Who was made in the 70's and look at those effects. So I guess I don't have any room to complain about that. Anyway, I still say 2 and 4 are my favorites, even though I haven't seen 3, 5, 6, 7 and possibly 8, 9, 10, 11, 12, 13, 14...99, and 100 yet. But I'll get there.

-Jason

The Fight For #1: Week 24

Before getting to this week's installment, I gotta mention something.

Last week I was talking to my friend Adam and he pointed out something to me. He said "Why should a blog/site about bad movies care about what movie becomes #1? Shouldn't you make it about which movie does the worst?" And I see his point. But the way I look at it is sometimes a bad movie will become #1 (Paul Blart, Hannah Montana/Jonas Brother) so it all somehow works out in the end. Besides I, has a person, like good movies as well, so why not take a peek in the window of goodness once in awhile?

With that out of the way, me and Fletch took a tumble last week by honestly thinking Eddie Murphy would be in the top spot. Stupid kids, make up your mind!! This week, we have "Year 1" and "The Proposal", along with a Larry David/Woody Allen film, but it probably won't crack the top ten so whatever.

I think I'll go with Year 1 on this cause it looks funny and I'm gonna go see it sometime this weekend. Plus the power of Jack Black AND Michael Cera. Yeah, fa sho.

Just a reminder, there is a prize this month, a copy of the best bad movie ever "The Room", which oddly enough now there's a Rifftrax available for it. Yeah, I'll be picking up this bad boy soon enough.

Here's last week's top ten:

-Jason

New Review: Mega Shark vs Giant Octopus


Sadly, Debbie Gibson DOES NOT show her boobs in this one.

Mega Shark vs Giant Octopus


I guess she did all her boob showin' in Playboy. Dang.
-Jason

Wednesday, June 17, 2009

This Movie Should Be Used As A Torture Device

Hostel
(Originally written on 6/6/06)



I'm completely torn.

"Hostel" was written and directed by Eli Roth, who is the jerkface idiot behind "Cabin Fever", which is in my top 10 of hated movies ever. But on the other hand, Quentin Tarantino helped produce it, so that's gotta be worth something right there. So I'm a little torn.

But I decide to go ahead and give Senor Roth another chance and hope he redeems himself from the misery that is "Cabin Fever".

We start off with some dude whistling while washing down a room. This would be foreshadowing, but the plot of the story has been pounded in our heads since it was first conceived, so we already know what's going down. I should mention that the credits just start without showing the name of the movie, and I think it was so Clever Eli could cut to a puddle and reflected is the world "Hostel".

Coming out of this Hostel is three BAD ASS MOTHAFUCKERS!! Paxton, Josh, and some Icelandic dude Oli. I'm gonna prepare you guys right now, the first 45 minutes of this film is like watching a slideshow of their trip in Amsterdam.

*CLICK* "Here's us leaving the hostel. We decide to smoke some weed, so-"
*CLICK* "We go to a hash bar. We smoke some pot, then smoke from a hukah. Afterwards-"
*CLICK* "We decide that Josh needs to get laid, because he broke up with his girlfriend and we decide he needs some pussay!! WOO!"
*CLICK* "So here we are at a bar. We make fun of Josh for having a fanny pack, and to make a long story short, we're tossed out of the bar and we arrive all late at our Hostel, so it was closed. It was then we met-"
*CLICK* "Alex. He gives us some pot to smoke while a drugged out of their fuckin' head couple is gettin' it on behind us. This is possibly distracting to the viewer, which is bad because this is where the main plot comes into play. That main plot is-"
*CLICK* "Alex knows this Hostel in Slovakia where there's nothing but women who want to bone American dudes. So we get on a train to Slovakia."
*CLICK* "We meet some creepy old dude on the train. GOSH, is he going to be important later?"
*CLICK* "We arrive at said Hostel in Slovakia and instantly meet some hot chicks who want to bone us. Needless to say-"
*CLICK* "We bone them."

Ok, you get the point, sorry I dragged that on.

So they're in the Hostel getting laid and whatnot, when suddenly the next day Oli disappears. Josh and Paxton search all over the city for them and we get Remember This Plot Point number 2 when they run into a gang of Slovakian children who'll bash your head in if you don't give them candy. Yes, this is important. It's stupid, but important.

Remember This Plot Point number 3 is a story Paxton tells about watching some chick drown and the screams bothered him. That too is stupid and important at the same time.

Ok, so they can't find Oli and there's a pointless scene in a torture museum, where you think "Hmm, maybe the things we're seeing in this museum will show up later when the actual torture arrives." But only a competent film maker would make that connection, so this whole scene is here to just waste about 20 minutes of our time.

Meanwhile us hardcore gore fans (yes I am one) are shouting at the screen "GET TO THE DISMEMBERMENT!!" Eli, hearing us, says "Ok, dickheads!", pisses all over us, then gives us a slight taste of dismemberment as some Random Japanese Chick gets her toe clipped off with a bolt cutter. But of course, a competent film maker would've showed us the toe actually getting cut off, even on the FREAKIN UNRATED "TOO SHOCKING FOR THEATERS" DVD!! But no.

Ok, back to the boring, serious version of "Euro Trip", the chicks Josh and Paxton hooked up slip them both something and Josh stumbles into his room and passes out. Then a man in a butcher's outfit show up and cart Josh away. Paxton gets lost and ends up locked up in a storage room.

Josh wakes up in the room I'm sure you've guys seen in the trailer and guess who walks in? Let's see if you remember one of the plot points from earlier. Go ahead and guess, I'll wait.

...

Did you say "The weirdo on the train that Josh met?" YOU ARE CORRECT!!! See, in the Roth universe, there are no coincidences. Now in case you've been in a cave during this movie's run in theaters, here's what's going on.

There's this place where people go and pay a shitload of money. They go into these rooms and torture, abuse, and eventually kill the shit out of unsuspecting people, like Josh here. Since we're focusing on Josh and his room for a bit longer, we think "YAY GORE!" and not, you know Al Gore. But all Train Dude does is drill tiny holes in Josh's chest, then cuts at his tendons, which looks like it hurts like a bitch, and makes him crawl out of the room. Of course Josh doesn't make it and we're probably gonna see some bloody action here and-

AWW JUMP CUT!! I HATE YOU ELI ROTH!!! JUST DIE!!

Paxton wakes up in the storage room and stumbles back to the hostel. He finds out that both Josh and he, Paxton, has checked out. Obviously confused, he does some investigating and finds the two chicks they hooked up with. One of them leads him to the place where the torture stuff takes place. It's here that it clicks in Paxton's head and before he can run, he's carted away.

Paxton is locked in a room and soon some skinny creepy German dude walks in. OH! I forgot about Remember This Plot Point Number 4: Paxton...KNOWS GERMAN!! WOW! And his torturer is German! You don't say??

So Paxton pleads in German, but ther German dude won't listen and ends up cutting off two of his fingers, but the German dude slips on the gag that was used in "Pulp Fiction", which is just HILARIOUS cause of Tarantino's involvement. This, along with "Pulp Fiction" actually being played on a TV somewhere makes it the funniest in joke in the world. Laugh, damn you, LAUGH!

So the German dude slips and ends up chopping his leg off. Paxton gets free and shoots the German dude, then one of the beefy security dudes come in and Paxton shoots him too. So now it went from "Euro Trip" to "The Great Escape" as we spend the remainder of the movie focusing on his escape.

In short, Paxton narrowly misses all the beefy security dudes and even has to pretend to be a dead body in a scene that goes on for way too long. Eventually, Paxton FINALLY does something and makes it to the part of the building where the torturers change. Here he meets Hey, It's That Guy! I don't know who he is per se, but It's That Guy! You know, That Guy! He one of the asshole business guys in "Day After Tomorrow". The asshole lawyer dude in "Cellular". Yeah, That Guy!

Anyway, That Guy is an American business dude who just wants a thrill and I suspect either That Guy is an asshole in real life, or he's type casted a lot cause here he's a major asshole.

Paxton manages to leave the building finally and is about to escape when he hears screaming. Ah, yes, Remember This Plot Point #3, he can't ignore a woman screaming. So he runs back in and finds that That Asshole Guy is buring off some Japanese chick's eye. This scene is kinda gorey but at the same time the whole thing looks like it was just placed on her face, so I was a tad dissapointed. Paxton kills That Asshole Guy and now he and Japanese Chick must escape.

By now the entire compound or whatever is aware of their escape, so they chase them and Paxton finds out that the cops are in on this (of course they are) so that's not an option. While driving through the city, Paxton finds the two chicks they hooked up with and...ALEX! Yes, Remember This Plot Point Number 1 appears and now the entire thing meshes. So...Paxton runs everybody over with the car. Several times. This is one of the good scenes.

Paxton and Japanese Chick make it to the train station, where they're surrounded by police and beefy security guards. Japanese Chick sees herself in a mirror and decides life isn't worth living with only one eye (I dunno, eye patches come in some sexy colors) so she jumps in front of a moving train. This is cool scene number 3. (The sex/nudity scenes at the beginning was the first cool scene.) With this distraction, Paxton gets on the train and it gets the hell out of there.

On the train, Paxton hears The Train Guy and when they arrive at wherever they arrive at, Paxton follows him into the bathroom. The Train Guy is taking a crap when Paxton just bursts in and cuts off Train Guy's fingers, yes same two as Paxton, and then finally, drowns him in his own crap. Eww...

I'd like to know how Paxton knew that Train Guy had something to do with Josh's death or even that whole torture scene. But oh well.

Paxton gets back on the train and it heads off. Ahh, yes, the final twist or shocking climax to the entire thing. The thing that horror movies are made of. I can't wait for this!! This should be good! Will one of the beefy guys be on the train? Maybe Train Guy didn't die? Maybe the stoned couple in Alex's apartment is behind the whole thing? I can't wait and...

Fade out? The title of the movie?!? CREDITS!!! NO!! WAIT!! What the fuck, Eli!!! Arrgh, you suck, you know that. Don't ever make another movie ever again, ok? You don't know what the hell you're doing and I hope you go to hell and are forced to watch your own movies while some dude sodomizes you with a Vin Diesel movie. ARRGH!!

So anyway.

Just remind me to try not to get laid when I'm in Europe.


-Jason

My Review of "Nightmare": Part 2



-Jason

Monday, June 15, 2009

It's Like Michael Bay Directed "Parts" Or Something

The Island

Man, Scarlet Johannson's face on this poster should be considered a "Photoshop Disaster".


(Originally reviewed on 4/14/06)

Going into "The Island" I was left with a tough decision. Should I watch it has a person who realizes it's a complete rip off of the movie "Parts: The Clonus Horror", the 1979 drama(?)/horror(?) film directed by Robert S. Fiveson and that Michael Bay totally sucks ass? Or should I pretend I never seen "Parts" and watch the movie for what it is and that Michael Bay sucks donkey balls? I decided to go for option two.

I'm not a big Michael Bay fan, his movies tend to give me a headache. I dunno, he has this tendacy to blow things up for no reason and when you're watching with surround sound it gets to be too much after awhile. I saw "Pearl Harbor" in the theaters. My ears bled for three days after. And every now and then they sort of fade on me. Damn Michael Bay.

But I really hated his guts when I heard that he told Scarlett Johansson she couldn't get totally naked for a scene. Let me re-enstate that. HE told HER that SHE couldn't get naked. I mean what the fuck dude? There are Mormons who'd give a stack of bibles to see her naked, what the hell is your problem, Bay? Jesus Christ on a stick.

Now that you know I hate the director, I can tell you that this movie really isn't all that bad.

Wait! Before you kick me off the website, hear me out. Yes, this movie totally ripped off "Parts", there are so many similarities between the two movies it's scary. Yes, there are your typical Michael Bay scenes where shit blows up every 10 seconds. Yes, you'll come to realize that maybe Ewan MacGregor and Scarlett weren't trying all that hard in this movie. But really, this is a dumb action flick. And as we all know, dumb action flicks are, well...dumb action flicks. Like "The Transporter". That movie has plot holes as big as Kristie Alley's ass, but it's still a good movie. Plus, women seem to think Jason Statham is sexy or something. I think he's a wanna-be Bruce Willis, but I'm a straight male so what the fuck do I know?

Ok, lets get into it.

We find out it's the year 2016 and Ewan MacGregor's character Lincoln Six Echo is having a wet dream. I mean there's a ton of water and he's on a boat. He wakes up and we see the life of a typical clone. Oops, we weren't suppose to know they're clones yet...but they tell us...IN THE FUCKIN' TRAILER!!!

Anyway, Lincoln is one of those rabble rousers who questions everything from why do they all wear white Puma clothing to why he has such a shitty job. And his job is way too complicated for me to explain. All I can tell is he and his friend Jones Something A Number I Can't Remember is putting some kind of liquid into some tubes. We find out later that these tubes are connected to clones that are going to be born...but that's later and a whole complicated mess.

Speaking of complicated messes, the goofy ass name Lincoln Six Echo has something to do with the last name of the original guy, the area the original guy lives in and...what the mother was hearing during conception. That explains why there's a guy named Earl Nine Hank Williams, Jr.
(By the way, that last part wasn't true, I never picked up on why he was called Echo. This movie is mucho confusing.)

Lincoln talks to Sean Bean, who's name escapes me at the moment cause I really didn't give a rats ass. But I knew he was the guy who started all this crap and is the guy that pretends he cares for the clones when in fact all he sees are dollar signs when he's in front of one. Sean tells Lincoln that he's not normal at all and he put these weird ass things in his eyes. After that's done, Lincoln sneaks off to meet with Steve Bushemi.

Steve is this computer genius type guy who lives in the outside world. Sean Bean hired him to fix and care for the 10 gazillion computers inside this clone ranch. And somehow Lincoln befriended Steve. While leaving Steve's little work area, Lincoln finds a giant ass moth and captures it. He realizes the thing came from the outside and that there is life outside.

See, Sean Bean told all the clones that they are survivors of some deadly contaimination thingy and they have to live inside this colony in order to survive. But every now and then a clone get picked to go to "The Island", where they'll be put with 10 hot women and if they cheat on their girlfriends, the creepy host will show them the video. (Anybody remember that show? I hope so otherwise that joke just went over your head.)

Lincoln is also friends with Jordan Three The Cure, played by Scarlett, who is possibly the hottest clone I've ever seen. Lincoln and Jordan do some virtual fighting with an X-Box (it's in the movie, check it out yourself), and grab a brewski, or whatever it is that clones drink. Then there's a Lottery, which decides which clone is being sent to spend two weeks with Mark L. Walhberg (Boy I hope you really seen that show). It's-surprise!-Jordan!!

I'm gonna tell you the following exactly as it happens in the movie so you can see I'm not making shit up about it being exactly like "Parts". Lincoln gets up in the middle of the night and sneaks out of his room. He finds a part of the colony that he's not suppose to be in and sneaks in. He goes to the place he found the moth and is asked about chapstick. No wait, wrong movie. He climbs a ladder and he ends up in a hospital. He disguises himself as a doctor where he finds the previous lottery winner Michael Duncan Clarke getting his liver sucked out. Michael puts up a fight, but he loses. Oh and I got momentarily excited cause there were some ambulance driver dudes there also and one of them was the guy who plays Aaron Pierce on "24". Man...that's a good show. I wish whoever did that show directed this piece of...

Sorry. Anyway, they suck up his liver and Lincoln gets furthered creeped out when this chick clone who was pregnant gives birth, then the doctors kill the clone and give the baby to the original chick. Convinced of wrongdoing, Lincoln runs back, snags Jordan, and hightail's it out of there. Of course Sean Bean is privy to this and sends some goons after them.

Lincoln and Jordan manage to escape the colony, which took about 15 minutes cause Michael Bay had to blow shit up, and they find themselves in the desert. And no, there wasn't a horse with no name. Sorry.

Sean Bean freaks out and hires that one black dude who's in a bunch of semi-serious movies or any movie that needs a black dude with an African accent. You know who I'm talking about, I'm sure you seen the previews. I can't remember his name but he was in Constantine, so I'll just call him that. Anyway, Sean Bean hires Constantine (HAHAHA that sounds funny) to find Lincoln and Jordan. And find him he does.

Lincoln and Jordan hunt down Steve, which actually provided a pretty funny moment in the movie. Lincoln goes to a bar that Steve hangs out in and asks the bartender where Steve is. The bartender says "He's in the can taking a dump." Lincoln replies "He's trapped in a can? Where's he taking the dump to?" Ok, I thought it was funny.

Anyway, Lincoln and Jordan find Steve and he takes them to his place and tells them they're clones (GASP! NO WAY!!) and that Sean Bean is going to be after them. So he gives them money, a credit card, and some clothes and they go to the train station. They head to L.A to find Lincoln's original guy, but at the train station, Michael Bay had a hard-on for destruction, and decided to have Constantine and his crew kill Steve and blow more shit up.

Despite all of that, they get on the train and get off at L.A. And because Michael Bay's hard-on didn't go down, more shit gets blown up, but this time it goes on for a good 20 minutes. There are helicopters, futurisitic cars, El-trains...OF THE FUTURE!, the whole she-bang (she-bang!). And the part you probably saw in the trailers with them in a giant "R" and it falling, well that scene must be seen to be believed. They're in the R, right, then some helicopters blows it up, ok, then it like falls down, still with me? Ok. Now, we know that Lincoln and Jordan can't die, cause they're the heros or something, so here's how they not die. They fall...IN A NET!! WHOA! Oh and Jesus loves them.

After aquiring the original Lincoln's address, they go to this house and find he's doing pretty OK for himself. Then we realize that only super rich people get cloned and when they die or get sick or whatever, they take the clone's body parts and taa-daa! They're better again! We also find out the President has a clone.

Ok, so Lincoln is meeting his original copy, named Tom. Tom is from Scotland and is a designer of sorts. Tom is freaked out, but excited, especially when he sees Jordan. He tells Lincoln that he got cloned cause he got some STD where his liver is gonna fail on him in two years. Maybe he should just get a new dick. Lincoln tells Tom that he should blow the lid on the whole thing, and Tom says he will but, well, he's lying. He still wants Lincoln to live so he'll get his liver.

So on the car ride to the news station, Tom pulls his double cross, but Lincoln outsmarts him and they have a fight. Constantine shows up and the typical "Don't shoot me, he's the clone! No I'm not! He is!" scene comes up. When Lincoln snaps this braclet that all clones wear onto Tom's wrist, Constantine shoots him. So much for that liver. With that out of the way, Lincoln continues living in Tom's house. Oh and he gets it on with Jordan.

This was the scene where we should've seen Scarlett's boobies. BUT NOOOO!!! Fuck you, Michael Bay. Just fuck you.

Anyway, Lincoln gets a call from the clone colony saying that they can re-clone Tom if he'll show up later that day. When Lincoln learns that Sean Bean is gonna kill any clone that has the word Echo in their name, Lincoln realizes he must save the day! So a complicated plan goes into effect. So complicated I'll just let you see the movie to understand it all.

What you need to know while reading this is that Lincoln and Jordan, seperately, get into the colony. Sean Bean realizes that they killed Tom, so he goes hunting for Lincoln, who decides to destroy this hologram thingy (Long story), Constantine decides that the clones are people after all and helps Jordan free the clones, Sean Bean gets killed, and the clones are freed. Jordan and Lincoln hop on Tom's cool looking boat and they live happily every after.

But...if the clones are free...aren't the rich people gonna get A-upset that they wasted their money on organs and B-that there are people who look exactly like them out in the world? I mean if Michael Bay wants Will Smith to do a complicated jump from a motorcycle to a bus full of explosives, but Will won't do it cause it'll smudge his makeup, and the stunt double is a 5 foot tall woman from Saudi Arabia, couldn't they hire his clone to do it? For cheap? And what if, say, the cast of "Friends" demanded a payraise and NBC was like "Fuck you guys, we'll get your clones! They'll work for pencil shavings because they think that's currency!" Then we got a clone Jennifer Aniston getting dumped by the real Brad Pitt, who's fucking the clone Angelina...it's a big mess.

So there. I hope you see how this movie is almost identical to "Parts". I'm sure I made my point. And it was pretty good, even though most of it didn't make sense and I really hate Michael Bay. That fucker.

-Jason

No Go On Bo! Go-Go On Mo Movie Reviews!

In case you don't read Variety-ese (or Twitter-ese), I just said there won't be a book, at least for now. It was bought to my attention that the publisher I was gonna publish with might not be on the up and up. It's not 100% verified but I don't wanna take any chances. I worked too hard on what I wrote so far just to have it taken from me.

So what does this mean? More movie reviews! YAY!!!

I literally haven't even THOUGHT about doing a review the entire time I was working on the book, and for that I'm sorry. I promise new content for the rest of June. But what about July...

I'm proud to announce that I'm declaring July the month of CHUCK NORRIS!!!! That's it. Simply "CHUCK NORRIS!!!!", all capitals, and four exclamation marks. During the month of July I will take a look at everything Norris, from his early work with Bruce Lee to recent affair, to even episodes of "Walker, Texas Ranger". But this is where YOU come in!

I could use some help. I know I asked for help during 30 Months of Horror 2 and only a few people offered, who I didn't even end up taking them up on cause I cancelled, but hopefully there'll be a bigger turn out for this cause, it's mothafucking CHUCK NORRIS!!!!

Do what Jason says or I'll rape your ear!!

You can do whatever you want, Norris related, but let me know what it is so I can keep track and make sure no one else does the same project. This won't be an every day thing like 30 Days of Horror was, cause that'd be too much CHUCK NORRIS!!!!

When it's closer to July, hopefully I'll have planned out what I'll be covering.

And finally, according to my latest poll, nobody thinks I should make a seperate blog for Date My Mom episodes so on the site they stay. Thanks all 2 people.
-Jason

Sunday, June 14, 2009

The Fight For #1: Week 23 Results

Welp, looks like I'll be taking a loss. I guess the power of Eddie Murphy couldn't drag kids to see this stereotypical kids film. Oh well.



This Week:
Rachael M.: 10
April: 9
Me, Fletch: 5

This Month Total:
Rachael M.: 19
April: 18
Fletch: 16
Me: 13

Next week we have Year One and The Proposal. So we'll see how that goes.
-Jason

Saturday, June 13, 2009

Twice The Saw!

Saw 2
(Originally written on 3/15/06)



I recently saw "Saw 2". I very much enjoyed the first "Saw", so when I heard there was a sequel, I was excited. Then I saw "Saw 2" and I what I saw, I wasn't too happy with.

I do wanna state that I did enjoy parts of the movie. The idea was pretty good: the infamous Jigsaw locks eight total strangers in a house and they have two hours to find an anti-dote to a killer nerve gas they're slowly inhaling. The problem was the people locked in the house were really annoying and they didn't delve into character development.

The film starts with some guy waking up sitting in a chair. He has a thing around his neck. This is very similar to the setup that Amanda from the first film found herself in, except instead of it being around her mouth, this thing is around his head. According to the helpful video tape, Jigsaw tells him that the key to the thing around his neck is wedged in his eye and he has to cut his eye out to get to it. Then a timer starts. The guy starts to cut into his eye, but he must be very fond of that eye. Maybe his great-grandmother gave him that eye on her death bed or something, because he doesn't do it. So the timer ends and the neck thing snaps, slamming a bunch of nails to his face. AND ROLL CREDITS!

After credits, we see Detective Donny Wahlberg looking depressed about something. We find out he has to get his kid Danny out of jail. We also learn from their short walk from the jail to the car that Danny's parent's are divorced and that Danny is in and out of jail a lot. Remember this, because the writers apparently forgot.

Cut to even later where Detective Wahlberg and his partner Detective Hot Chick arrive at the scene of the eye guy from the beginning. They realize it's the work of Jigsaw and get upset. Hot Chick tells Detective Wahlberg to "look closer". And the makers of "American Beauty" step in and sue their asses off. Well, actually, "Look Closer" is suppose to be a message from Jigsaw written on the ceiling.

Later that night, Detective Wahlberg is sleeping and as usual, it all comes to him in a dream. He realizes the metal the neck thing is made out of is a clue, so he wakes up and assembles a SWAT team. They arrive at the metal factory, I'm assuming, (Oh and we get a beautiful shot of the crew as the vans pull up in front of the camera. Hi, D.P! Hi, assistant director!) and since this is Jigsaw, the first three cops to step into the place fall for a trap that somehow bends their legs. Oddly enough, the rest of the crew have no problem getting through.

They find Jigsaw, a very old weak man, sitting at a table. They immediately cuff him and Jigsaw, real name John, tells Detective Wahlberg that he needs to stay there for a "problem". They soon realize what the problem is: John has 8 people trapped in a house! And guess what? One of them is Danny! WHA?!

We then go into the house and we sort of see the 8 people, but since this movie poorly develops their characters, we don't know their names or know much about them. There's Danny, huddled in the corner, confused. Then there's the Token Black Dude who seems like he's gonna take charge, a'la "Night of The Living Dead", but that don't last too long, if you don't mind me getting ahead of myself. There's Slutty Girl, and Annoying Chick. Oh and Psycho Boy. There's some dude in a Suit, a very creepy guy just chillin' off to the side, and finally a passed out chick in the middle of the floor.

Of course, everyone is confused, have no idea how they got there, etc. Psycho Boy immediately goes insane and demands to be let out. Soon, Passed Out Chick wakes up and we find it's Amanda, from the first film. She instantly realizes what's going on and hunts around the room. She finds the tape player and a key. Guy in the Suit grabs the key and puts it in the keyhole. This is a piss poor idea cause the key goes to a gun, which shoots him in the eye. Ow.

They listen to the tape, which explains the whole story about an antidote in the house, they got two hours, they'll die, yada yada yada. Soon enough, the door opens on its own and everyone goes exploring through the house. Psycho Boy finds a bat with a bunch of nails nailed into it, and he uses it to break down the door labeled "EXIT". This is pretty much pointless.

To sort of jump ahead here, otherwise we'd be here all night, the remaining people fight with each other like a typical episode of "Flavor of Love." They head to the basement which is where they find a message for Creepy Guy, which reveals he's the one who kidnapped everybody for John. Now, why he did this, how he did this, or why he's in the house with everyone is a big mystery cause we never find out. Instead, they find there's some antidote in a boiler, so Creepy Guy crawls in to get them. When he grabs them, he's lit on fire and the reason I call the one chick Annoying Girl is made clear here. While Creepy Guy is burning, Psycho Boy is fighting with him to get the antidote from him. During this ENTIRE SCENE, she is just screaming, "STOP IT!! STOP IT!! STOP IT!!" over and over. This went on for like 5 minutes, I swear. Finally, Creepy Guy dies and she can finally STOP IT!!!

The next torture room I couldn't watch cause it involved needles and needles freak the hell out of me. All I know is that a key was in a pit of needles and Amanda threw herself into it. After that, I was under my desk until the screams were over.

We get treated with scenes between John and Detective Wahlberg when we're not watching scenes of the housemates. John gives all kinds of hints about the safety of Danny, saying things like Danny will be "Safe". Remember that, wink wink. That and what happens towards the end are the only interesting scenes between him and John, so I'll just be focusing on the rest of the castaways until that scene at the end.

The cast of Real World from Hell are walking around the house, some are coughing. Annoying Chick falls and instantly dies. Oh boy. I am so broken hearted. I was just waiting for the next fight to happen to hear her deliver her Oscar worthy "STOP IT!!!" speech again.

Someone figures out to look behind a painting and they find a picture of Danny with Detective Wahlberg. The rest of the people look at Danny with contempt because, here's what they all have in common, the other 7 people were wrongfully arrested by Detective Wahlberg! ACK!! And the stupid part is when asked earlier, Danny says he never been to jail. WAIT!! What the hell did his Dad take him out of earlier?!? ARRGH! Anyway, Slutty Chick storms off and Amanda is the only one who realizes Danny had nothing to do with it and everyone shouldn't take it out on him. Well, after knowing what happens at the end, this part makes a bit more sense.

Slutty Chick stumbles into a room and finds a tape for her, I'm assuming. She just throws it to the side and finds a glass box with the antidote in it. She stupidly puts her hands inside it, which cause her wrists to bleed. I wonder what was on the tape, a way to do this without cutting yourself? Who knows.

Psycho Boy goes back to the original room and realizes what a clue John left meant. The combination to the safe in the room is in the back of their minds. He check's Dude In A Suit's neck and there's a number there. Then Token Black Dude comes in and Psycho Boy smashes his face in with the nail bat. He checks his neck and takes off. I'm gonna mention that to figure out the order of these numbers, they need to look over the rainbow.

So now Psycho Boy is on a war path to look at the backs of everybody's necks. He checks Slutty Chick's neck and lets her bleed to death. After checking Creepy Dude and Annoying Chick, he goes after Amanda and Danny. Then the longest chase scene in the history of the world takes place.

Back at John's, Detective Walhberg threatens John and makes him tell where Danny is. John gives in and says they must go alone. So Detective Walhberg activates the room they were in which turns out to be an elevator! WHA?! Anyway, they go driving off and they reference a movie I can't stand when John says, "It's the last house on the left!" HA!

Meanwhile, some tech people arrive to find out where the video feed is coming from. They figure it out and head over there. Amanda and Danny find a secret passage way and run into Colonel Mustard. Actually, that would've been cool. They just run deeper into the house, with Psycho Boy chasing them. Detective Walhberg runs in and the SWAT team also run in.

Everybody just runs everywhere for a good 10 minutes, with me screaming, "JESUS WOULD SOMEBODY RUN INTO SOMEBODY ALREADY!!" The SWAT team finds out that, you ready for this? The feed they been watching was pre-recorded! That means they've been dead for hours, or days possibly!!

Detective Walhberg FINALLY finds the secret passage. And Danny and Amanda finally end up somewhere. Where do they stupidly end up? At the bathroom that was the setting of the first movie. And in case anyone watching this needs some reminders, we get quick snippets of the first movie and see some dead bodies on the floor, and a very old looking foot. Ohh, is that what feet look like after being cut off for a long time?

Psycho Boy catches up to them and Amanda says he needs the number from the back of his neck. So he solves his little problem by cutting that part of his skin off. This isn't gratuitous at all. Then he goes after Amanda, but Danny suddenly springs to life and cuts his throat with the saw that Cary Elwes had in the first film. Psycho Boy drops dead and suddenly Detective Walhberg runs in. But the lights are all off suddenly. Then I remembered this all happened earlier and now Detective Walhberg is about 40 hours too late.

He thinks Danny is hiding in the bathtub, but somebody with a pig on their head, seriously, stabs him with a needle (ew), and he faints.

Ok, I know most of what I said so far was a spoiler, but this is really a spoiler, so you been warned.

First off, a safe opens up in John's room and Danny is inside it, alive and well, some 3000 miles away. There was no Danny. Secondly, Detective Wahlberg wakes up and he's chained to the bathroom wall now and there's a tape player. He presses play and he hears...Amanda's voice!

Ok, get a load of this shit. This ENTIRE TIME, she's been John's apprentice and learning the ways of not really killing people while teaching them a lesson. Then they plan THIS ENTIRE thing to get Detective Walhberg in this bathroom to teach him a lesson. Yeah. Oh and now that John is dead, Amanda is gonna take over in the teaching bad people lesson's department. She locks him in, stating GAME OVER! The end.

Ok...that's it? I mean...that's it? What about the over the rainbow thing? Was Amanda in any danger of dying from the poison? Why couldn't they just get Creepy Guy to kidnap Detective Walhberg and chain him in this room? How did Danny get in John's safe? And is there really a chance that Detective Walhberg won't be found by Detective Hot Chick? I'm sure they could easily find the house. Oh and what would've happened if Detective Walhberg just waited until the safe popped open? Just lull him into a false sense of security and kidnap him later? Oh, I got too many questions to ask here. I'll just wrap up.

I'm disappointed. I really liked the first "Saw" when I saw it, so much that I bought it immediately. It seemed like this film they were going more for a psychological thing then horror. Kinda like how "Silence of The Lambs" was a cool creepy movie, but "Hannibal" was just an all talky movie. But "Hannibal" did have Ray Liotta eating his brain. That was cool. Oh, right, this movie. This is a horrible sequel. If there's a Saw 3, I don't think it'd work with Amanda being the mastermind behind it all. It should just end it now, or else I'll cut myself. And oh yes...there will be blood.

-Jason

PS: At the time I wrote this, I wasn't aware there was gonna be a "Saw 3" or an entire stupid franschise.

Friday, June 12, 2009

The Fight For #1: Week 23

Before getting to this week's list, I gotta point something out. Last night I was on imdb and I noticed their top ten for the weekend changed. This is what it was on Sunday:


This is what it was today:


So I guess they found an additional 2 million dollars for "The Hangover" or something. I don't know what that was about. But here are the re-adjusted scores:
Fletch: 10
April, Rachael M.: 9
Me: 8

Too bad it didn't work in my favor. Anyway, onto this week. We have the remake of "The Taking of Pelham 1 2 3" which I do kinda wanna see. And...god help us "Imagine That", another Eddie Murphy vehicle. Just...why?

Without seeing the movie, I know what "Imagine That" is gonna be like. Eddie is a too busy for his kid dad and somehow he's stuck with said kid for some determined amount of time. Dad has some very important deadline to make at his super important and busy job. When the kid says her "imaginary friend" thinks Dad should do this certain thing for the company, it turns out to be right and the company makes money. So Dad uses the kid to find new ways to help the company and the kid comes up with all these ways. It turns out, SHOCKING ENOUGH, the kid was making all this up to begin with so she can be closer to her negligent father cause she was having so much fun with him. Dad learns a lesson, spends more time with his kid, and somehow everything at the company works out. The end.

Bleh.

Anyway, my pick is gonna be, and I hate to say it, "Imagine That". Cause it's not a Eddie Murphy movie where he plays multiple roles, but a Disney (or Nickeloden I forget) movie targeted for "families" and if the last few weeks shown us anything is that family friendly films (besides The Hangover obviously) rule! Yeah it's a wild card pick but let's just see, shall we?
-Jason

Thursday, June 11, 2009

I DO Think That Song Is About Me, Ok??

I feel weird making all these posts about me cause I'm not vain (I don't even know Carly Simon personally) but I do think you should give this a read.

Nick from Random Ramblings of a Demented Doorknob wrote a little article piece about me and this here site/blog that I do sometimes over at the LAMB. It's pretty flattering and I feel all sort of embarrassed. Of course I'm trying to stop myself from getting a big head over the whole thing and-

I'M IMPORTANT!!! PEOPLE LOVE ME!!! I RULE!!! NYAH NYAH NYAH!!!!!

Phew, now that I got THAT out...

Update on the book:
I'm like 75-80% done with it. I still need to watch four more movies for it but it's coming along nicely. My goal to have it done by the end of May went down the crapper but hey, life got in the way, ok? I'm still hoping for it to be published by the end of summer though. Then I can go on a World Book Tour!! And have Whitesnake as the opening band!!!

Or...not.

And finally, I just watched "Let's Scare Jessica To Death". It's not a bad movie but I don't know what to make of it. It left me puzzled. Like did all of that really happen? What was going on? And who DID put the bop in the bop-she-bop-de-bop?
-Jason

Wednesday, June 10, 2009

More Like 3000 Miles to Idiocy

3000 Miles to Graceland



(Originally written on 3/22/06, I wrote this for a website devoted to movie reviews that I was sorta digging. Some months later, the creator of the site had some sort of meltdown, made up false accusations about me, and banned me from the site. So I quickly posted any reviews I wrote for that site onto mine and now I'm posting it here. Yes, this is a third generation review.)

Starring:

Snake
Dances With Wolves
Annoying Kid
Monica
Monica's Husband-In-Real Life
Christian Slater
Token Black Dude
Howie Long WTF?!?!
Lowell
The Guy Who Does Shatner/Walken Impressions
That Chick From "Go"
The Critic
Edgar from "24"
Ice-T

At the very start of this film you get a sign that you should just take the DVD out and chuck it out the nearest window or melt it down or something. During the opening credits, we get two very crappy looking CGI scorpions fighting each other. This goes on through the entire credits. I thought maybe I accidently took some LSD and I was tripping or something. But no such luck. When the credits end, we see what I'm guessing is suppose to be a classic car (I'm not a car buff, I don't know the difference between a Mustang and...whatever else there is) pull up and run over a scorpion.

Snake, dressed up like Elvis, gets out and goes into his hotel room. Soon, Annoying Kid comes out of nowhere and starts groping the car. The car insists on filing charges but the kid insists he loves it and continues to fondle. He even goes so far to steal those things that you unscrew to put air in the tire (told you I'm bad with cars). Snake catches him in the act, but Annoying Kid runs away. Oh and Annoying Kid also grabbed one of the CGI scorpions. Keep That In Mind.

He runs to Monica and she demands to know what's going on. Snake tells Monica that Annoying Kid stole that unscrewy thing. She makes him give it back and the kid goes off on his annoying way. Snake and Monica make short talk, then have coffee (Hey, they watched Coleman Francis films too, huh?), then to make a long scene short, the fuckin' starts.

No, Monica isn't nude, she's in her underwear the whole time. And to make things more disturbing then the image of Kurt Russell fucking Courtney Cox, the Annoying Kid crawls in the middle of it and steals Snake's wallet. This kid is gonna need therapy. I should know, I walked in a few time.

Anyway, after the fuckin', Snake makes a tasteless comment about leaving money, then he takes off. He meets up with Dances With Wolves, Christian Slater, Monica's Husband-In-Real-Life, and Token Black dude. They drive off and meet up with Howie Long WTF?!? He gives them some guitar cases and Elvis clothing.

Back at the hotel, Snake realizes his wallet is missing and points the blame on Annoying Kid. Monica, knowing his hiding spot, grabs it and gives it back to Snake. More talk, more fuckin'. This time, Snake throws a boot at Annoying Kid before he can sneak in.

And now! The big plot of the movie: Elvis impersonators robbing a casino! Right? I mean, the commercials and trailers were all like "See 3000 Miles To Graceland! Elvis impersonators rob a casino! WOO!" Well, here we are, at a casino hosting a convention of Elvis impersonators. And the robbing starts.

Snake does some weird confusing thing with the elevator that I didn't quite understand. Meanwhile, Wolves, Christian Slater, Token, and Monica's Husband-In-Real-Life rob the casino. They hired Howie Long WTF?!? to fly to the roof in a helicopter so they can escape. But Howie WTF?!? isn't there! He's in the air singing Paul Simon's "50 Ways To Leave Your Lover". And you haven't lived until you hear Howie Long sing.

During the big ass shootout in the casino, in an elevator, on the roof, Token gets shot. Howie finally arrives and they take off. When Howie makes a bank turn, Token's body falls out. Nice, guys.

Back at Snake's room, Annoying Kid broke in and is shaving (I dunno either) when the Elvis gang get back. Annoying Kid hides in the bathroom and there's a fake tense scene when Wolves takes a leak. Anyway, they split up the money and when Wolves insist on taking Token's half, Christian Slater gets all Slater-y and says it's bullshit. This goes on for what feels like forever when finally Wolves kills Slater. Ironically, it turns into "Very Bad Things" and the remaining people take Slater to the desert to bury him.

Oh I should point something out that I think was some kind of inside joke thing. Slater made some reference to water and Costner just looked all odd and said "Water, huh?" Yeah, it might be a lame reach but it could be a lame inside joke.

Anyway, while going to bury Slater, Wolves takes out Monica's-Husband-In-Real-Life (Thank god, it's a handful to type that out) and Snake. While driving back in Snake's fancy car, he runs into some of his brethren (other wolves) and falls into a ditch.

Then it turns out that Snake is The Crow and comes back to life! Or maybe it's "Bill and Ted's Bogus Journey". Well, it's neither actually. Snake just wore a bullet proof vest. Good thing Wolves shot him in the chest.

Snake gets back to the hotel and finds the money is gone. He thinks Wolves took it but he finds Annoying Kid's hat that was left behind from earlier (Kid took off when Slater bit it), and puts it together. So he goes waving a gun in front of Monica and finds the money in the hiding spot. Smart move Monica. Anyway, Snake gives Monica $100,000 to keep quiet and tries to leave. He realizes he doesn't have a car, so he asks her for hers. She says no and the cops show up. The reason the cops showed up was cause Monica went to call the police when Snake busted in to beat up Annoying Kid (YAY!) but hung up right away.

So in order not to get bust, Snake has to pretend he's with Monica and Annoying Kid. And because the police are there, Monica uses this as an excuse to make Snake take them along to wherever it was he was going. With the police watching the whole time, they pack the car and Snake drives off. Snake isn't too happy.

Wolves wakes up, returns to the hotel, and finds it empty. Aw, he misses his friend.

The next hour or so is basically a painfully horrible road trip movie, with bits of "The Fugitive" thrown in. The two feds who tackle the casino case is Lowell and The Shatner/Walken Guy. They're pretty much themselves in this movie and frankly seem to be wondering why they're here at all.

Wolves is after Snake, Monica, and Annoying Kid and we know he's super evil because he kills some old gas station attendant for no reason and takes along That Chick From "Go", who I guess is a hooker. And to top it off, Wolves blows up the gas station. Cause you know, it's an action movie, and things have to blow up every 10 minutes in this movie.

On the way to a diner to chow down, Snake stupidly reveals he has to take the money to a cleaner who'll erase whatever markings is on the money so no one will know it's the money from the casino. He also stupidly reveals that you need a password and even more stupidly reveals it's in his wallet. So guess what happens next?

Monica and Annoying Kid work together to distract Snake while she takes his wallet and her car and takes off. Snake chases her but she bops him in the nose, which distracts him and causes him to meet a dog wearing an ugly sweater. Seriously.

Wolves, on the way to the cleaner, gets pulled over by some hick cop. At this point, the movie melts-down cause this whole thing doesn't make a lick of sense. The cop pulls him over and Wolves gets out. The hick cop gets out and just stands there, pulls his revolver out and does all kinds of fancy ass tricks with it. And to top all this off, he has a toothpick in his mouth. Of course. Then just out of nowhere, they have a duel! The bullets pass each other and Wolves hits hick cop in the chest, while the cops bullet grazes Wolves face. Then this scene just ends. Ok, what the fuck, man? Why did they have a duel? How did the cop know Wolves was a wanted man? Or does the cop do this to everybody he pulls over? The hell?

Anyway, Wolves arrives at the cleaners. And hey, it's The Critic. And oddly enough, his name is Jay in the movie too. Anyway, The Critic accepts a phone call from Monica saying to be at his place at 10, then Wolves shows up. Wolves taunts The Critic for a good 20 minutes, making him piss his pants while he gets a safe open.

Snake and Annoying Kid steals a truck (Probably belonging to Howie Long...I hate those commercials!) and high-tails it over to The Critic's. And wouldn't you know it? Monica shows up, thinking Wolves is The Critic! When Wolves sees the money, he gets an evil glint in his eye and...

Snake and Annoying Kid arrive and find The Critic dead, along with some chick. Kid thinks she's his mom, but it isn't, so they're wondering where Wolves and Monica is.

More Unfunny banter between Lowell and Shatner/Walken Dude.

Annoying Kid comes up with the plan to turn Snake's fancy car in as stolen, so he does. Wolves is pulled over and arrested (What, no fancy duel this time?) and throw in jail. Then for some really strange reason, Snake is arrested too. I guess Howie Long reported his truck missing.

So Snake and Wolves are in adjoining cells and they banter back and forth. Snake wants to know where Monica and the money is. Wolves tells Snake that she was in the whole scheme with Wolves the entire time. Snake gets posted bail, but first he must meet up with Edgar from "24", who's some cheap-ass bail bondsmen or something. Turns out that Annoying Kid posted the bail.

With Snake free and able to get his fancy ass car, he checked the trunk and inside is Monica and the money, both alive...no wait. Monica is alive, not the money. Sorry. (Well after that trippy credit sequence, I wouldn't be surprised.) They drive to some field and Snake lets Monica out and asks her about partnering up with Wolves. She insists it's a lie.

Wolves calls Howie Long WTF?!? to get him out of jail. Howie then calls Edgar from "24" in return. Soon, Wolves is walking down a highway when Crazy Wombat Man picks him up. He's Crazy Wombat Man cause he's all gung-ho about some team called The Wombats, I guess. Anyway, they drive along when there's a roadblock. They realize that the police are checking cars for Wolves, so Wolves beats up/kills (it's never said but he vanishes from this point on so I guess kills) Crazy Wombat Man and dresses himself up as Crazy Wombat Man. This disguise gets him through the road block.

Then for some odd reason, Snake ditches the fancy ass car and buys some old Chevy thing. Anyway, they get a hotel room and they split the money and Snake bids thee farewell. Monica wants to stay with Snake but he's a loner, Dottie...er Monica. A rebel! So he goes on his merry way.

Apparently, Snake has a boat somewhere and that's where he went.

Now, get a load of this. Lowell and Shatner/Walken dude discover that Wolves claims to be an illegitimate child of Elvis himself. And that Elvis put it in his will claiming that Lisa Marie and any illegitimate kids he might have are rightfully heirs to Graceland. So this caused a bunch of Yahoo's(!) to claim they were Elvis' kid. So the court made all these people take DNA tests and out of 75 yahoo's, only 2 were Elvis' kid. Now, after reading that, you probably know which two are Elvis' kids and you're right:

Monica and Annoying Kid. HA! Just kidding. Yep, Wolves and Snake are half-brothers. Ain't that just...stupid? Just thought I'd drop that here.

Ok, back to the boat. The boat belonged to Elvis and he gave it to Snake, I guess in that court settlement.

Wolves spots Monica and Annoying Kid in my old Chevy car and a boring chase ensues which ends how you think it ends. Wolves wants the money and takes Annoying Kid as collateral.

Wolves punches the kid. I cheer.

At the dock/warehouse where the finale is gonna take place (Ohh, all this is gonna go up in flames, I just know it), we meet Ice-T. Ice-T is suppose to be a crazy one man army type guy. Snake shows up with the money and the longest exchange in the world takes place.

You think now that Snake has the kid and Wolves as the money, all of this is over with. But no. Snake makes a comment which makes Wolves check the bag o'money. Inside is newspaper...and the CGI scorpion! See? It was important!

Then it's time to blow shit up. And it's quite a spectacle. The SWAT team arrives, along with Lowell and Shatner/Walken Dude, and there's just gun fire and explosion galore. If you're into this kind of crap, you'll orgasm like 300 times during this scene.

During the process, Snake gets it in the chest and is carted away by an ambulance. I saw this coming from a mile away and I'm sure you do too, but I'll keep you in mild suspense for a bit.

Ice-T comes out of nowhere hanging on practically nothing upside down and just spins around shooting his gun. This didn't work out too well cause the SWAT team just kills him dead. Howie Long takes a bullet for Wolves, which sets him off for some reason. Then he combines "Taxi Driver" and "Scarface" when he looks in a mirror and points the gun at it, doing some type of "You talkin' to me?" speech. Then he goes out with guns ablazing as Lowell and Shatner/Walken guy pump him full of lead. And of course, he dies next to a toilet. I hear Alanis Morrissette writing a sequel to "Ironic".

The ambulance with Snake in it pulls off and the driver looks around asking stupidly "Where's my ambulance?!" Turns out Monica knows how to drive ambulances and took it. And, as you probably guessed, Snake had on a bullet proof vest. Good thing he didn't get shot in the face. Again. And you'd think Wolves would've known better.

Anyway, now that everyone thinks he's dead, he can live on the damn boat with Monica and Annoying Kid. The end. Seriously, that's it.

Well, not really. During the ending credits, we get shots of Kurt Russell dressed like Elvis and lip synching a song, while random shots of Kevin Costner playing around with some guns is shown. Every now and then we get shots of Christian Slater, Token Black Dude, and Monica's Husband-In-Real-Life playing with guns. Then what I guess are outtakes from the movie. Ok, now that's it for sure.

I usually grade action movies on a curve cause they're just there to have shit blow up. But for an action movie, this was pretty stupid. Both "Transporter" movies are way better than this. And in Transporter 2, he just happens to scrape off the bomb on the bottom of the car just right before it blows up. I believe that over anything in this movie.

This review has left the building.

-Jason

Monday, June 08, 2009

One Thing I Never Wanted To Know: Tom Cruise's Sex Life

Eyes Wide Shut
(Originally written on 2/8/06)


"Eyes Wide Shut" starring Tom Cruise and Nicole Kidman is considered by many the worst movie to feature two stars who were dating and/or married at the time. Then thankfully, "Gigli" came around and people were like, "Eh, EWS isn't so bad." (In case you didn't know EWS is street lingo for Eyes Wide Shut. See, I'm hip.)

I, too, thought EWS was bad. Well, not bad, just boring. Acting wise and direction-wise, it was pretty good (It's Kubrick, you gotta expect that.) But the story was just so dull and uninteresting it made me wonder why this was made. When I first watched it, I couldn't get past the first 20 minutes of the movie. The only thing of interest was a naked chick needed to be revived by Tom Cruise after nearly overdosing and you could see Nicole Kidman's nipples. That was about it. Everything else was just two very rich and white people in their fancy ass apartment talking about things I don't really get cause I'm not rich and I'm only half-white. Then it gets to the scene where Nicole Kidman has some kind of freak out in her bedroom, after smoking a joint with Tom Cruise. Oh and I should point out that anytime Nicole Kidman gets drunk or high, she talks the same. Here's an example:

Nicole Kidman Drunk: I...see...my...(Pause for 15 seconds) husband.
Nicole Kidman High: Did...you...fuck...those...(Pause for 25 seconds) two...girls...last...night?

Thankfully, when Nicole Kidman gets pissed, she starts talking faster. But also at the same time she gets pretty annoying and starts talking in squeaks like she's The Cheat. So you can see why I was rather put off by it and stopped it.

Fast forward to about three years later. My girlfriend tells me it's on HBO and at this point, I still have HBO (Damn Comcast bastards taking my HBO away), so I turn to it and oddly enough, it's right at the end of the Nicole Kidman freak out scene. I think it was fate or whoever that wanted me to see this movie. So I watch it. And oddly enough, it's at this point the movie gets interesting.

What I forgot the first time I watched it was that Nicole Kidman's character, Alice, tells Tom Cruise's character, Dr. Bill Hartford, that she had an affair with some army dude. While reeling from this information, he is called to a patient who died, so he has to go. We meet the daughter of the dead patient and she kind of flips out, confessing her love for Bill, but I guess it's to be expected when your dad dies. Dr. Bill talks her out of it, which probably secretly freaked him out considering what went down at home.

While going for a walk, something weird and ironic happens. A bunch of dudes call Tom Cruise gay. Seriously. I think this was Kubrick's way of sticking it to him. Also on this walk, he runs into what we're suppose to assume is a prostitute. Bill, still thinking about the ordeal with his wife, goes with her. After talking for god knows how many hours, they start to do it, but fate intervenes and he gets a call from Alice. Bill lies and says he's still at the dead guy's house and says he'll be awhile. When he hangs up, he realizes what he was about to do, decides not to, and pays her anyway, cause he's a lighthearted John. This is important later, by the way.

Walking again, he decides to hit up a night club where he has a piano playing friend named Nick Nightingale. I suspect this isn't his real name. After talking for a few minutes (there's endless talking in this movie in case you didn't notice), Nick tells him he's gotta play this gig at some rich person's house. Bill wants to come along cause Nick tells him there's a buttload of women there, but Nick says it's a big invite-only thing, and you need to wear certain things. Bill, really interested now, begs him for the info, so Nick reluctantly agrees, but says not to tell anyone it was him who told him so.

Bill runs to find a costume shop, but it's closed. "Luckily,” Bill knows the owner, but the owner moved and it's now owned by a Russian (I think) guy. Bill gives him a thousand dollars to let him in to get a special tux, a cloak, and a mask. The owner agrees. While looking for the stuff, the owner hears a noise in the back. Checking it out, he finds some Japanese dudes getting it on with the owner's daughter, who looks like she's maybe, I don't know, 16? 17? They have a fight, and the owner threatens to call the police. Bill, kinda freaked out, pays for the mask and tux and stuff and leaves.

He takes a taxi to the big ass house that's practically in the middle of nowhere, and tells the driver to wait for him. Man, this dude is rich. Bill puts the mask on and gives the uber-secret password. Once he gets past the front door and coat check, he finds a weird ceremony going on, with some creepy music playing. Bill does his best to blend in and suddenly: naked chicks galore!! Well, naked except for masks. This scene is kinda creepy cause of the masks and the music. This ceremony thing goes on for about 50 minutes, or so, until the leader, in red, dismisses the girls. One of the girls spots Bill and goes up to him. Remember, the girls are wearing masks, so we don't know who the girl is. So she leads him out of the big room and talk and she says she knows he doesn't belong there and if he's found out, they'll kill him. Some other dude in a mask steals Bill's flavor, so Bill goes roaming around the house and he finds, sex, sex, and more sex. All while people wear masks. This is a weird sex fetish I haven't heard of before this movie came out.

Bill manages to get found out because he took a taxi there (This doesn’t make sense, don't try to figure it out). As a result, Bill must confront the leader and basically get threatened. Bill bullshits his way through most of it, but gets stuck on a trick question. I forget what it was but it was something like, "How many times do we have to take our socks off before we take a shower?" And Bill answers, "Five,” and the leader goes "Nope. We DON'T TAKE our socks off before we shower!" So now that he's caught, Bill has to take his mask off to reveal who he is. Oh, and he's supposed to get naked also. Thankfully, before we see the little Cruise, the Mysterious Girl steps in, saying don't and let him live as long as he promises not to tell anyone about it or ever come there again. The leader says someone must be punished, so she takes his spot. The leader accepts and Bill leaves.

To interject something, I, for some reason, suspected that Alice was at the party, but I can't find any proof of this. I think it's mainly cause this dream she had when Bill came home finally. But I don't know how she could've gotten back and forth without Bill knowing about it, that fast. So this is just probably a stupid thought I had.

The next day, Bill looks around for Nick. Oh yeah, something I should mention. Anytime he talks to someone, he identifies himself as a doctor. Then he shows him some kind of proof, like he's a cop. It's pretty funny in a stupid manner. Anyway, Bill goes to Nick's place and talks to Alan Cumming. He tells Bill that some goons made Nick check out. This is suspicious. Funny enough, Bill does the cop/doctor thing again and Alan Cumming tells him any information that Bill wants. I mean, what the hell? Since when did doctor's act like undercover cops?

So Bill returns to the costume place and finds the mask is missing. Oddly enough, the same two Japanese men are there, with the daughter. We suspect that the owner is pimpin' out his daughter. Yeah.

Suddenly, Bill has a car and he drives back to the house, rather stupidly. But I guess he was concerned for the girl who took her place. A camera watches him and some goon hands him a note saying to get the fudge out of here or else!!!! So much for keeping the promise of never coming back or else he'll die. And how did the goons/owner of the house know that Bill was gonna come back? It seems like the note was written ahead of time and they were just waiting for him? This was probably supposed to add to the mystery, but it's just confusing.

Bill looks up the Prostitute (She never got a name, did she?) again and meets the roommate. Oddly enough, he brings donuts? Is that what you get your own personal prostitute? Well, now I know. After endlessly flirting with the roommate, and, um...eh I don't wanna get into it. It was just weird on Bill's part. Anyway, the roommate tells Bill that the Prostitute has AIDS. This freaks Bill out because he was THIS close to gettin' it on with her.

Oh and Bill's car vanishes again. And while walking around, some creepy bald dude follows him. This goes on for like 5 minutes, until Bill reads in the paper about some chick OD'in in a hotel, so he goes to check it out at the morgue. Yet again, flashes his doctor thingy like a badge. He finds out that the chick in the paper is the same chick from the party at the beginning of the movie that almost OD'ed in Syndey Pollack's bathroom.

Speaking of, he wants to see Bill. They, you guessed it, talk on and on about a bunch of nothing. After all of that, he tells Bill that he was at the weird sex fetish party and saw Bill being called out. When he said this, I was waiting for Bill to ask him, "Really? What mask were you wearing?" Anyway, Sydney tells him everything from how it was him who made Nick vanish earlier that day, to he was the reason why some dude was following him, and finally the Mysterious Girl was the girl that OD'ed. But before you think it was cause she sacrificed herself for him, Syndey tells him that the entire "sacrifice" thing was bullshit and the girl really OD'ed, so not to worry about it. Ha-ha.

Now, the movie gets kinda stupid again, with Alice sleeping next to the missing mask. This causes us to witness Tom Cruise cry. Were you ready to see that? Cause I sure wasn't. Then they go to a toy store to get their kid a Christmas gift. While there, they figure if they should just "forget about each other's sins.” Nicole Kidman then says, "We should fuck", and the movie just ends. Um, ok, Kubrick.

Oh and what's with the cover of the movie. "Cruise. Kidman. Kubrick." It sounds like Kubrick was the co-star of the movie instead of the director. I mean, yeah maybe people knew what that meant, but still.

So there you have it. This movie isn't really that bad, but if the middle part of the movie is the only interesting thing, then you have some problems. It seems like they had the idea for the middle, but didn't know how to begin or end it. This is what I think the movie should've been about.

Beings with Bill arriving at the house. Neither he nor us, the audience, know what's gonna happen or expect. He makes it in and is told to put his mask on. He does and he roams around the house and, BOOM! Right away, sex and nudity. And it's only three minutes into the movie. Then he meets the Mysterious Girl and she reminds him of his wife, Alice. We get a flash back to him leaving his apartment, after having a big fight with Alice. We don't know what the fight is about...yet! He runs into Nick, who's on his way to the party and Bill asks to be invited. Reluctantly, he agrees to tell him and that flashback ends.

We come back to the present and Bill's trying to get it on with the Mysterious Girl. They start kissing (it's the kind of mask's that cover the eyes, not the mouth, so kissing is going on while wearing the masks), and it looks like sex is about to happen. But it's Tom Cruise. I'm sure he doesn't do sex scenes, or at least hot and heavy ones. In between the sex, we get some insight on his relationship with Alice and why it's bad. The actual movie never explained this, but I think it has something to do with him always wanting to bang some chick. So let it be about that, and it'll be ironic cause he is banging another chick. More sex with other people at the party, then the ceremony begins. The actual ceremony in the movie was creepy and interesting cause of a song that was played, so this could remain intact.

After all of that, Bill is discovered and he's put on immediate trial by this group of sex cultists. When the girl intervenes, Bill is now reminded of Marion (The OD'd chick) and we get a flashback of that meeting. After that flashback, the girl says she'll take his punishment instead of him and the leader tells Bill, now unmasked, to leave.

He does and goes home to find his wife isn't there. This will further make us wonder if the mysterious girl is Alice. When Bill is asleep, Alice sneaks in and goes to sleep and we don't see her for a while because she's under the covers when Bill wakes up to go to work.

See? Isn't this good already?

Then the last act could be Bill trying to figure out: A-Who the girl was. B-Who the leader was. And C-What all of that was about. Once those mysteries are solved, the movie could end with Bill finding out Marion had AIDS, freaking out cause they almost had sex, and him then him finding out that it was in fact Alice and she got severely beaten by the cult. But when they go back to the house so Bill can kick some ass...

The house is deserted. THE END!!

It's too bad EWS is already made. I mean, not to toot my own horn but that sounds like a way better idea for a movie. It isn't too slow, or boring, and doesn't have any pointless characters or scenes. Although I did enjoy the costume shop scene, so that could remain in my version. Maybe 10 years down the line, I'll remake this, using my ideas. SO NO STEALING!
(Copyright Jason Soto 2006!)

-Jason