Thursday, December 31, 2009

Post 500 Is For...THE FUTURE!!!! Part 2

Before I get to it though I just wanna say that I look forward to the new decade and hope it doesn't completely suck. Granted, a lot of good things happened but a whole lot more bad things seemed to happen. SO anyway, happy new years guy. Gosh, I don't know why I didn't save this until the END of the list. Like something's gonna happen to me midway through or something. That's silly. Anyway, here ya go:

21. D/Dragon Wars
20. Step Up
19. Bratz
18. Super Sweet 16: The Movie
17. Prom Night
16. I Know Who Killed Me
15. Black Chrismas (2007)
14. Midnight Meat Train
13. Spider-man 3
12. Hostel 2
11. Hostel
10. The Wicker Man (2006)
9. Transformers
8. Anything By Uwe Boll (Mainly "House of the Dead" and "Alone in the Dark")
7. Swept Away
6. Norbit





Monday, December 28, 2009

The Bad Movie Ultimate Cage Match #4

Man, last week's battle was crazy. It dethroned a champion and a new champ emerged. Does this week's challenger have what it takes? Let's find out!

IN THIS CORNER!!! Rachael M., a Mass Invader who decided to try her hand at this cage match. Her movie today is:

The Dark Backward! Take it, Rach!



"Adam Rifkin wrote the script for The Dark Backward when he was 19 years old. And it stars Judd Nelson. So, we’re already ahead of the game in this cage match. This movie will teach the young film student that you cannot out-Lynch David Lynch and win. It will never happen.

Judd Nelson plays Marty Malt, a nerdy and nervous and very sweaty stand-up comedian who is a garbage man by day. Bill Paxton is his accordion-playing garbage man friend, Gus. Why does Gus always carry an accordion? Unknown. Gus eggs Marty on to follow his dream of becoming a successful comedian. Even though the jokes are truly atrocious. (A man goes in to get a hair cut. The barber tells him he can’t cut his hair because the man is bald. So the man says, “Cut off my ears.”)

I’m getting bored just writing this.

Gus is obnoxious. Just completely in-your-face. He brings talent scout Jackie Chrome (Wayne Newton) to see Marty’s show and, of course, nothing happens. And when Marty thinks things couldn’t get worse, a strange lump starts growing on his back.

He is growing a third arm.

Jackie Chrome is actually looking for a three-armed comedian. And Marty’s career starts to swing. With the cloying Gus in tow, the stale and nonsensical jokes flow and it is just painful to watch.

The Dark Backward is apparently intended to be a satire of the film industry. However, it is absolutely uncomfortable and off-putting. It’s difficult to sit through the physical ugliness of the film and the overacting cheesiness of the main characters. There are absolutely revolting scenes with a corpse in the dump and obese women. The vile nature of Rifkin’s vision may be to shock the viewer, but it ends up more upsetting.

You can tell from the opening scenes that Rifkin intended for this movie to be a cult classic. But he tried WAY too hard. It is pandering, annoying, boring, ugly, and a clear rip-off of the style of David Lynch. With no redeeming lesson. Just gross people being gross for the sake of being gross.

I understand that young film makers get “crazy” ideas. And wait around for their big break. But this movie is simply an opportunity that went horribly awry. Instead of a meaningful commentary on the film industry or Los Angeles, it is a “how disgusting and avant garde can I possibly be” exercise in futility. It’s boastful. It’s obnoxious. It means nothing.

Over-reaching, over-acted, dismal and boring. The Dark Backward is the sad result of having too much time and money on one’s hands."


AND THE CHAMPION!! Travis of The Movie Encyclopedia with:

Ballistic: Ecks vs. Sever



"As a movie lover and someone who claims that "if no one else will see it, I will," I see my good share of really bad movies. I think that's why it was so hard for me to think of the worst movie that I have ever seen. I mean there are plenty of horrible B-Movies that I could have chosen from like Plan 9 From Outer Space or The Room but those, like Dylan said, are way too easy choices. Everyone knows how bad those two movies are and in fact they are so bad that I actually like them. I could have also chosen from any of the other B Movies that I have watched but most of them have already gotten the MST3K treatment and I think that's enough for them. I was half tempted to put Joel Schumacher's Batman and Robin but...I actually kind of like it. Even though Arnold is a horrible Mr. Freeze, the Bat Nipples are distracting and there is even a BAT CREDIT CARD (AHH!! Sorry bad flashbacks), it kinda grew on me as an Adam West-esque cheesiness.

But there is ONE movie I can never forgive. One movie that makes me cringe just saying the name. Hopefully nobody has sat through this horrific mess but it must be said-Ballistic:Ecks vs Sever is the worst movie I have ever seen and probably the worst movie of all time. I mean the directors name is Kaos...which is what this movie is!

Ballistic:Ecks vs Sever should have been at least a decent movie. Antonio Banderas, as much as he butches the English language in this film by passing off as a red blooded American, is a decent enough actor and has done some good action movies (The Zorro series, Desperado) and Lucy Liu has too (Kill Bill, Charlie's Angels) but for some reason they can't even get action right. An action movie can either be one of two things: it can be a mindless shoot em up that is made awesome by its use of 1.special effects 2.over the top action sequences 3.amazing soundtrack 4.cheesy but awesome lines...OR an action movie can be a plot driven experience that is made better by the use of extensive action sequences with huge explosions. Films like Shoot em Up, Die Hard and even Terminator fill both of those kinds of action movie roles and they are all good movies.

But when a movie gets in trouble usually is when it tries to mix both together to make it "better." Well Ecks vs Sever doesn't do that. All the action sequences are really boring. I mean Alone in the Dark and House of the Dead had better action sequences than this, and Uwe Boll is considered one of the worst directors of all time! I mean at least with Boll it had a lot of slow motion and gore. This is just gun fight, gun fight, explosion, gun fight rinse and repeat over and over. You now your film is bad when Uwe Boll looks legitamite as a director compared to your film.

The story (I should put that in quotes) is your typical "we need an excuse to blow up stuff" plot with a kidnapping of a politicians son. Instead of just going with that though they had to put in a conspiracy theory involving Ecks (Banderas)' family being killed, which is only used to make us pity the character. Honestly everyone in this film is so morally corrupt and/or stupid that you really DON'T care about any of them. The title is also totally bogus since Ecks and Sever (Liu) WORK TOGETHER FOR MOST OF THE FILM. There really is no vs...I also got to mention the numerous amounts of plot holes, continuity errors and just one TOTALLY bogus plotline involving the FBI. Alright let me just say something...a lot of films are shot in Canada and they are made to look American. Well when you see street signs, monuments, and building signs saying that its VANCOUVER then bringing the FBI in to investigate just makes the film look dumber than it already is.

A weak plot, boring action, laughable acting and a total lack of effort from Kaos, the director, makes this in my opinion the worst movie ever made. This should be buried with all the copies of the ET game."


Holy crap, this is gonna be another good one! So VOTE VOTE VOTE!! Voting closes Friday morning and later that day the winner will be announced. And as always, I'm looking for people to participate in this, so if you wanna, this time is big bold letters:

Email me the movie and a description on why YOU think it's bad to invasionofthebmovies at gmail dot com and it will be used in a future Cage Match! You never know YOU might win weeks in a row.

Good luck Rachael and Travis!
-Jason

Saturday, December 26, 2009

The Bad Movie Ulitmate Cage Match #3 Winner!!!



This was one of the best matches so far. A lot (more) votes and kind of a close match. But I'm sad to report that our reigning champion Fletch and The Happening has lost. So our new champion Travis and "Ballistic: Ecks vs Sever" will go again on Monday against a new challenger.

Here's some added rules:
1. A person who participated in a past cage match, but lost, can go again in the future. But they have to wait a week. And they have to pick a new movie.
2. No one can pick a movie that was already used. So someone else can't use (so far): The Happening, Eraserhead, Atomic Rulers of the Earth, and Ballistic: Ecks vs Sever.
3. If a person/movie lasts three weeks or more, they get to go into some tournament of champions at some later date. Fletch, you missed out on this by a week. Sorry, man.

So stay tuned on Monday for a brand new Cage Match.
-Jason

Wednesday, December 23, 2009

Post 500 Is For...THE FUTURE!!!! Part 1

We are here my friends. This right here, when I click the big orange button that reads PUBLISH POST, will be my 500 post. Let's take a look back at all the best times I clicked that button.

*Click*
*Click*
*Click*
*Click*
*Click*
*Click*
*cvlikb* (I was drunk this day)
*Click*
*Click*
*Click*

Ohh memories.

Anyway, this post SHOULD be titled "LIST-tastic" or "List-mania" or "List" because it's the one where I...LIST things. The first list is a bit personal. Well, that's not right, both are kinda personal. The first list are movies that I own in my movie collection but I haven't seen yet. By that I mean I haven't seen the movies before but I still own them. This is the result of my friends giving me the movies cause they think I should see them, or movies that sound good so I went and bought them. So my FIRST New Years Resolution is to watch the following movies in 2010:
Baffled
The Bees
Big Trouble In Little China
Dukes of Hazzard: The Beginning
The Evolved
Fido
Forbidden Zone
From Dusk Till Dawn
Hackers Are People Too
Hudson Hawk
Jaws
KISS Meets The Phantom of The Park
Make A Wish
Meet The Feebles
Slaughterhouse Five
Superman: The Musical
The Thing With Two Heads
Zombie Death House
Murder on Flight 502
The Disapperance of Flight 412
Destroy All Planets
Monster From A Prehistoric Planet
The White Gorilla
This Is Not A Test
Wasp Woman
Unknown World
Ghoulies
Ghoulies 2
Terrified
Land of the Minotaur
The Hearse
The Devil's Hand

Shame, huh? Well gives me something to work for.

This second list is a list of movies that I've seen between the years 2000 and 2009 and that were just fuckin' awful. And as you read the list, know that yes they are in some kind of order. So it took me awhile to arrange this list. And it's only 40 cause it seemed like a good round number. I had 43 on there but after reading them, I kinda felt they weren't THAT bad and whittled it down to 40. Originally I was gonna post the entire list on New Years Eve, but since I need to make a couple more posts between now and then, I decided to split the list into two. So here's the first half, and next week, the second half will be posted.

40. Corky Romano
39. The Love Guru
38. Marie Antoinette
37. The Hottie and The Nottie
36. Alien vs Predator
35. 3000 Miles to Graceland
34. The Prequel to The Exorcist
33. The Adventures of Sharkboy and Lavagirl
32. Beverly Hills Chihuahua
31. An American Carol
30. Captivity
29. Audition
28. The Fast and the Furious
27. Cabin Fever
26. Gigli
25. The Crocodile Hunter: Collision Course
24. Jeepers Creepers 2
23. The Hitcher (2006)
22. Mega Shark vs Giant Octopus

The rest will be posted on New Years Day. Happy 500th post to me!!!!
-Jason

Tuesday, December 22, 2009

New Mass Invasion: Silent Night Deadly Night


The 10th Mass Invasion is up! Check it out!

Silent Night Deadly Night

Also, as a bonus, check out this rockin' montage from the movie!



(Facebook people, click "VIEW ORIGINAL POST" to see video. Videos don't show up on the Facebook Notes for some reason.)

Warm side of the door indeed.

Also this is offically post 499. Post 500 is gonna come before I leave for Christmas vacation. Then the Cage Match winner. Then the final post of the decade. So that should be interesting.
-Jason

Monday, December 21, 2009

The Bad Movie Ultimate Cage Match #3

Alright, fight fans, time for another Ultimate Cage Match! We got a new contender this week. Is he and his movie strong enough to take down the champ, Fletch and "The Happening"? It's up to YOU to decide!!

IN THIS CORNER!! Travis from "The Movie Encyclopedia"! We just did a podcast with Rachel and Tom last night and depending on when Fletch tells me how he wants the file to be sent, you'll hear it soon, hopefully before Christmas. Anyway, Travis' movie is:

Ballistic: Ecks vs. Sever

"As a movie lover and someone who claims that "if no one else will see it, I will," I see my good share of really bad movies. I think that's why it was so hard for me to think of the worst movie that I have ever seen. I mean there are plenty of horrible B-Movies that I could have chosen from like Plan 9 From Outer Space or The Room but those, like Dylan said, are way too easy choices. Everyone knows how bad those two movies are and in fact they are so bad that I actually like them. I could have also chosen from any of the other B Movies that I have watched but most of them have already gotten the MST3K treatment and I think that's enough for them. I was half tempted to put Joel Schumacher's Batman and Robin but...I actually kind of like it. Even though Arnold is a horrible Mr. Freeze, the Bat Nipples are distracting and there is even a BAT CREDIT CARD (AHH!! Sorry bad flashbacks), it kinda grew on me as an Adam West-esque cheesiness.

But there is ONE movie I can never forgive. One movie that makes me cringe just saying the name. Hopefully nobody has sat through this horrific mess but it must be said-Ballistic:Ecks vs Sever is the worst movie I have ever seen and probably the worst movie of all time. I mean the directors name is Kaos...which is what this movie is!

Ballistic:Ecks vs Sever should have been at least a decent movie. Antonio Banderas, as much as he butches the English language in this film by passing off as a red blooded American, is a decent enough actor and has done some good action movies (The Zorro series, Desperado) and Lucy Liu has too (Kill Bill, Charlie's Angels) but for some reason they can't even get action right. An action movie can either be one of two things: it can be a mindless shoot em up that is made awesome by its use of 1.special effects 2.over the top action sequences 3.amazing soundtrack 4.cheesy but awesome lines...OR an action movie can be a plot driven experience that is made better by the use of extensive action sequences with huge explosions. Films like Shoot em Up, Die Hard and even Terminator fill both of those kinds of action movie roles and they are all good movies.

But when a movie gets in trouble usually is when it tries to mix both together to make it "better." Well Ecks vs Sever doesn't do that. All the action sequences are really boring. I mean Alone in the Dark and House of the Dead had better action sequences than this, and Uwe Boll is considered one of the worst directors of all time! I mean at least with Boll it had a lot of slow motion and gore. This is just gun fight, gun fight, explosion, gun fight rinse and repeat over and over. You now your film is bad when Uwe Boll looks legitamite as a director compared to your film.

The story (I should put that in quotes) is your typical "we need an excuse to blow up stuff" plot with a kidnapping of a politicians son. Instead of just going with that though they had to put in a conspiracy theory involving Ecks (Banderas)' family being killed, which is only used to make us pity the character. Honestly everyone in this film is so morally corrupt and/or stupid that you really DON'T care about any of them. The title is also totally bogus since Ecks and Sever (Liu) WORK TOGETHER FOR MOST OF THE FILM. There really is no vs...I also got to mention the numerous amounts of plot holes, continuity errors and just one TOTALLY bogus plotline involving the FBI. Alright let me just say something...a lot of films are shot in Canada and they are made to look American. Well when you see street signs, monuments, and building signs saying that its VANCOUVER then bringing the FBI in to investigate just makes the film look dumber than it already is.

A weak plot, boring action, laughable acting and a total lack of effort from Kaos, the director, makes this in my opinion the worst movie ever made. This should be buried with all the copies of the ET game."


AND The Champion, Fletch with Mr. Night's "The Happening". I totally forgot Zooey Deschenel was in this, so yeah this movie is probably some shades of awful. A reminder on what Fletch said about "The Happening":

"I feel like I'm at a disadvantage here. This is, after all, a site dedicated to B movies, a genre (designation? status?) I'm neither all that knowledgable in nor all that much of a fan of (though I do loves me some Basket Case and The Room and crappy Sci-Fi - er, sorry, SyFy channel movies...maybe I'm a bigger B movie fan than I'm willing to admit). Anyway, I'm sure there are some turrible, turrible movies like Mega Whale vs. Giant Shrimp or whatever that I just haven't seen or possibly even heard of. And choosing The Room is just way too easy - it's the Citizen Kane of bad movies, after all, and it's been covered enough by people like me and Jason already. It would feel like cheating for me to select that one. So I'm going with a more mainstream film.

Of course, my selection also happens to be a layup, but at least it's a layup that everyone can agree on. It's none other than Shamalama-man's The Happening, a movie that tried to answer the question "What if someone attempted to make a low-budget apocalypse movie?" How else to explain the somewhat ingenious plan that required ZERO special effects to show all of the "destruction?" The deadly killer, the one that knocks off millions of people and causes global panic...it's in the air, man! It's, like, invisible. Perhaps for Night's next flick, all of the characters will be invisible, too, and maybe the sets as well - imagine the savings!

Of course, the cheesy "killer" and lack of anything visually interesting onscreen isn't the only thing that makes Happening an awful film. Nay, it has terrible acting up the yin-yang (Marky Mark talks to fake plants!), a serious case of taking itself too seriously, batshit crazy old women, horrible child actors, a complete and total lack of suspense - you name it. The only thing missing? A self-indulgent cameo by M. Night himself. Oh well, I guess we'll have to wait for It's Happening Again (in Paris)."


There you have it. Now THIS fight should be interesting. I'll be out of town until Saturday due to the holidays so this gets an extra day. You have until Saturday Afternoon to vote, so vote.

Sorry for the boldness of the next paragraph. It's important to me.

I need someone to step up and take on this week's winner next week! I know you wanna do it! It's a lot of fun! Just think of a movie you don't like and tell us why and that's it, done. Yes, even YOU can do it. So come on! Volunteer! Please? Don't make me beg.

Thanks!
-Jason

Friday, December 18, 2009

The Bad Movie Ultimate Cage Match #2 Winner!

Holy fuckballs was this ever a nailbiter! All throughout the week I kept seeing the two movies were tied, then Bill was in the lead, then tied again. But as you see Bill Szany and his "Atomic Rulers of the World" is no match against Fletch and Shamaiman's "The Happening" featuring Marky Mark and killer trees.

THE WINNER! AND STILL CHAMPION IS:


Congratulations Fletch! You and "The Happening" get to go again next week. And what a turnout this one had. Thank you all so much for voting. I still only have one person, who's gonna go against Fletch next week, that volunteered to partake in the Cage Match. So if I haven't heard from anyone by next Friday, I will force someone to do it.

So new Cage Match on Monday. Stay tuned to see who the challenger is. Word!

Speaking of word, a quick one. I haven't posted much this week cause I'm coming up on my 500th post! I know, right? So I kinda wanna time it with new years eve. If that'll happen, that remains to be seen but it's something to shoot for. But I do have two more posts to go before the big five oh-oh. And I do have something epic planned for the big event So yay and stuff.
-Jason

Monday, December 14, 2009

The Bad Movie Ultimate Cage Match #2

Welcome to the next round in the Bad Movie Ultimate Cage Match!!! Last week Fletch and "The Happening" layed the SMACKDOWN on Rachel and "Eraserhead". Will there be another SMAKCDOWN tonight, fight fans?!? Let's find out!!!

Introducing the challenger, my best friend Bill and his pick:

Atomic Rulers of the World
(The worst movie ever)

And this is what he has to say about it and why you should vote for it, even if you haven't seen it:

"Why did I pick "Atomic Rulers of the World" as the worst movie that I have ever seen? Well normally really bad movies, no matter how horrible and nauseating they may be, always have at least one or two somewhat redeeming qualities about them. For example, they may have a really goofy song that's super catchy or some sort of ridiculously cheesy dialogue that's so bad it's good.
Well this movie is so awful that it doesn't have any of those sort of neat little redeeming qualities. There's no painfully funny lines like "Garbage Day!" or "I'll Be Back on Wednesday.", and there's no disobedient child peeing all over everyone's food on the dinner table.
What this piece of crap does have is a superhero from another planet named Star Man who was sent to Earth by a group of robots in order to stop the Japanese Mafia from building and sellig bombs. If that plot's not charming enough throw in a group of meddling children, one of which the Japanese Mafia kidnaps and continually threatens to murder for no reason.
Unfortunately the movie is basically what I just told you and it seems to drag on for hours on end. Fortunately for us we do have the displeasure of looking at Star Man's package for hours on end as well. Put some damn underwear on for God's sakes!
Hell, on top of that we get to see him jump and bounce all over the place, thus giving us dozens of new exciting angles of his Superhero package! In closing I ask one important question, why is it that Star Man can bend metal but yet he struggles to take on ordinary Mafia guys with no Super powers what-so-ever? That's what I thought."


Oh SNAP! That sounds bad. And now here's the CHAMPION!!! Fletch, with "The Happening". To remind you what he said here ya go:

"I feel like I'm at a disadvantage here. This is, after all, a site dedicated to B movies, a genre (designation? status?) I'm neither all that knowledgable in nor all that much of a fan of (though I do loves me some Basket Case and The Room and crappy Sci-Fi - er, sorry, SyFy channel movies...maybe I'm a bigger B movie fan than I'm willing to admit). Anyway, I'm sure there are some turrible, turrible movies like Mega Whale vs. Giant Shrimp or whatever that I just haven't seen or possibly even heard of. And choosing The Room is just way too easy - it's the Citizen Kane of bad movies, after all, and it's been covered enough by people like me and Jason already. It would feel like cheating for me to select that one. So I'm going with a more mainstream film.

Of course, my selection also happens to be a layup, but at least it's a layup that everyone can agree on. It's none other than Shamalama-man's "The Happening", a movie that tried to answer the question "What if someone attempted to make a low-budget apocalypse movie?" How else to explain the somewhat ingenious plan that required ZERO special effects to show all of the "destruction?" The deadly killer, the one that knocks off millions of people and causes global panic...it's in the air, man! It's, like, invisible. Perhaps for Night's next flick, all of the characters will be invisible, too, and maybe the sets as well - imagine the savings!

Of course, the cheesy "killer" and lack of anything visually interesting onscreen isn't the only thing that makes Happening an awful film. Nay, it has terrible acting up the yin-yang (Marky Mark talks to fake plants!), a serious case of taking itself too seriously, batshit crazy old women, horrible child actors, a complete and total lack of suspense - you name it. The only thing missing? A self-indulgent cameo by M. Night himself. Oh well, I guess we'll have to wait for It's Happening Again (in Paris)."


Alright so is some weird superhero movies versus Sham-a-lam-a-ding-dong! The winner is up to YOU, WHICH is the worst movie? VOTE NOW!!!
-Jason

Sunday, December 13, 2009

LAMBcast #7

This is the LAMBcast where we talk about "Ninja Assassin". Twas a fun one to record and listen back to.


Subscribe Free
Add to my Page

Holy crap, four more posts and it'll be post 500. Jesus.
-Jason

Saturday, December 12, 2009

Jason & Mary Get B.T.K'd: B.T.K



Mary's portion of the review will be done in italics. Like so:

(I am here to vicariously review a film I haven't seen. Let's see how well I can pull it off.)

It's inevitable that if a serial killer exists, they must get a movie made about them. Which sucks cause in the end, it's really what they want. Sadly, there are always coked up guys who think it is a good idea to make a movie about these sickos.

The B.T.K is no exception. I was not familar with Mr. T.K until my friend Mary mentioned him one day. Not knowing anything, she showed me this website that went into pretty scary detail about this guy.. The truth behind this guy is a bit disturbing so I won't be sharing everything. But after hearing about it, I recalled seeing a movie at my nearby Blockbuster called B.T.K and wondered if it was in fact about him. After much searching on Netflix I found there was not one but THREE movies based on this guy. I told Mary this and she, being her, kinda went off.

(Thank you, Jason. Yes, sadly, Mr T.K. actually exists, and it is this existance which unfortunately took ten innocent lives but also, let's not forget, inspired a trilogy of shitty ass movies. It just gives you more reason to want the guy dead.)

So I got to wondering, how close to the truth did these movies get? Well, I have a Netflix account and a friend with some knowledge. Let's just see how close to the truth Mr. Coke Producer gets. So what we'll do is I'll do all the hard work, like watch the movie and write about it, then show Mary the review and let her tell us how close it is or how much they fucked up. Should be interesting.

(Yes, it will be interesting. I can see the coked out producers in my mind and its like, they're all wearing slick pink guido shirts with popped collars and have meticulously spiked black hair and lip gloss on.)

First up is "B.T.K" starring one Mr. Kane Hodder. Yes, THAT Kane Hodder. Here, he plays the main character Dennis L. Rader aka the B.T.K Killer. Apparently Mr. Hodder is in good shape and Mr. Rader probably wasn't, so they had to apply some latex fat to his face, which was uber distracting cause it was very visible.

(Gross!)

The movie starts with Dennis checking into a hotel and calling up a prostitute. Dennis falls asleep and had a yellow dream about a tied up chick in a grave. Then the credits flash up and some actual pictures from the crime scene show up. I know cause they were on that site Mary showed me.

(Well, at least there was a little truth in it. Those pictures are unbeliveably disturbing.)

After the credits, the ho arrives and some uncomfortable sexy talk ensues. Dennis insists on being tied up and Miss Ho does. It kinda turns into a comedy cause at first he wants his hands bound with rope. Soon, we see on the bed more rope, plastic ties, duct tape, and lord only knows what else. We pan over and find Dennis all tied up to a chair with ropes going everywhere. He keeps screaming "tighter!! TIGHTER!!" which freaks out Miss Ho. She excuses herself and escapes through the bathroom window. Someone should tell her it's coming IN through the bathroom window.

(Hmm. I tried to come up with something to say about this but I can't think of anything except that I'm glad I didn't see it.)

I guess the girl didn't do a good job tieing him up cause he easily breaks free and finds she escaped. Of course she dropped her purse and her I.D was inside. Her name: Kimberly Doe. Honest.

Click to view bigger. The name clearly says Kimberly Doe but the signiture is "John Doe".

Dennis then wakes up at home and we get a brief glimpse into his life. He's married with two daughters, one a red head. He has a job as a compliance officer, which pretty much means he drives around and acts like an asshole to everyone. He gives citations on grass being too long or being parked on a sidewalk or dogs running away.

(According to every reliable source available, Rader had a son and a daughter. Oh well. Stupid detail. They got the compliance officer shit right anyway.)

He finds one chick (By the way, majority of these women don't have names) and checks out her ass. He cites her for parking on the sidewalk. Later that night, she's complaining to her husband over the phone about Dennis. And look who pops up outside.

This scene is hilarious. Ok so she gets off the phone and sits down to eat. Dennis is in the house and is practically 5 feet away from her but she don't notice. He hides. She hears a noise and goes upstairs to investigates. She decides to turn the lights off, gets undressed...and goes to sleep!! Um, lady, you were JUST EATING!!

A bit later, there's another noise downstairs. She goes down to check it out and remembers she was eating. Maybe she's got that Memento disease. Dennis makes his move and points a gun at her. Then he goes on about how he doesn't get any at home and she'll do just fine. When the lady is ready for Kane Hodder rape, he pulls out a plastic bag and suffocates her.

So I thought what was happening was he was gonna kill all the chicks we saw earlier and his motives were cause they weren't perfect in his eyes. I guess he just thought this first lady was the hottest.

(Didn't he murder an entire family? Look it up.)

We get some more scenes of Dennis driving around, yelling at people. Some teenage girl comes up to him asking about a dog. He says he got the dog in the back of his van. The girl stupidly believes him and looks for it when he knocks her out.. And look who comes by, his pastor. The Pastor is there to tell Dennis that he will be the "Church President". Is there such a thing? I wonder.

(Yeah he really was Church President, that's actually true and thats one of the things that makes the case so terrifying.)

Anyway, Dennis gets in his van with the teenage chick and starts driving. Soon, he spots a little girl, probably about 10, walking around. He stops and convinces her to let him take her home. After a few minutes, the girl gets in.

Bitchy little girl showin' Mr. T.K some 'tude!

The movie makes us think that Dennis is gonna do something to the girl. He starts acting all weird and takes some other way to get to the girls house, and even locks the doors. The girl gets weirded out. There's a part where the girl notices Dennis' cop radio and he tells her "Hey you wanna say something on it? Say anything you want!" This doesn't pan out but I wondered what she said.

Anyway, nothing happens as Dennis does return the girl back home. He lectures her mom for letting a little girl roam around cause there are some weird people out there, ya know.

(Don't know about this.)

Later that night, he has the teenage girl he bonked on the head in a grave and he bound and tied himself and took a picture of himself next to her in the grave, which is another thing I know he did to different victims. After taking the picture, he kills he girl with a shovel.


(A shovel? Naah. Did they even bother reading anything on this man, let alone how small and irrelevant? I have a feeling they skimmed a lot of important stuff over. Cheap.)

Some other point of time, Dennis is outside a house and a girl, possible another teenager, is sneaking her boyfriend Ricky into her house. I know his name is Ricky cause she says his name a million times. While they're making out, Dennis appears and acts like a robber. Ricky pretends to be tough but Dennis pulls out a gun that apparently shoots gernades cause half of Ricky's face is blown off and the girl is drenched in blood. After toying with her, he eventually kills her.

Ricky, don't lose your life. It's the only one you want...

Pictured: Ricky after getting shot with the notorious B.T.K weapon: The Gernade Gun

(Yeah that kind of happened. C-.)

Dennis has some secret workshop at home that no one is allowed in. It is here that he keeps all the pictures he takes and writes these notes to the cops. It's stated in the movie that all these events are taking place 20 years after the original killings. See, this BTK guy killed sometime ago and he stopped, but now he's starting up again, by sending letters to newspapers and TV stations.

(Yeah why the hell not?)

The wife apparently doesn't think to look into this secret workshop even though he keeps the key right on the fuckin' doorframe. This movie hardly dives into the relationship between Dennis and his family. We do know that he wishes he had sons and as a result was never involved in his daughter's life. And he treats his wife like shit.

(I fortunately dont know anything about his family life. Sorry.)

After a quick scene of Dennis in church, he is planning a Boy Scout trip. He and his wife get into a fight cause he never takes the daughters out. I had a laugh here cause she storms out and he simply mutters "I love you. Bitch." Oh Kane, you funny.

Dialouge from the daughters later reveal the Boy Scout trip was cancelled, so Mom makes up something saying she was wrong, but she has a look of worry on her face. Either she knows he's the killer or suspects he's cheating. And frankly ladies, which is worse, am I right?

(He was active in his son's Boy Scout troup, that's for true. Yet another creepy detail.)

Turns out Dennis is taking a road trip to find Kim Doe from the beginning. He finds her house and turns out she's married and her husband doesn't know she's a ho. Dennis forces his way into her house and I guess her husband is a super heavy sleeper cause she screamed all throughout the house and up until they went into the bedroom and it took Dennis kicking him to wake up, finally.

Dennis tells Hubby about Kim's secret and he's pissed. Then Dennis shoots him with the gernade gun. Kim is more mad that Dennis shot her husband than concerned that she's gonna die. Dennis climbs on top of Kim and starts choking her. We get a POV shot of her passing out and then the movie gets all "Natural Born Killers" on us.

Imagine this being the last thing you see before you die.

Kim is replaced by one of Dennis' daughters as she's screaming, why are you doing this to me Daddy? Dennis freaks out and carries her outside, where she turns back to Kim. Kim is still pissed about losing her husband and begs to be killed but Dennis has a change of heart and simply leaves.

(Really? Les incompetants. You can't just go and make a dang non-fiction movie about somebody who is real and did real things that are fact and then just make entire plot points up yourself.)


At Chez Rader, Mrs. Rader gets a call and either hears the funniest thing in the world or she's upset. Either way it looks like she's laughing. It's not revealed what the phone call was about so don't worry about it.

Back to Dennis, he's having Oliver Stone-esque flashbacks and soon is pulled over by a cop. Uh-oh! Things get turned cause now Dennis is getting berated by an asshole with a badge. But Dennis is special. He spots a car coming and when it gets near, he shoves the cop right into the car, then pulls off. Even though he was simply hit by a car, it looked like he was thrown into a woodchipper, than someone pulled him back out.

Back at The Rader's the cops show up and ask Mrs. Rader some questions about the B.T.K killer. She freaks out and one of the daughters is glad her dad is a killer cause she hates him for all the reasons I stated earlier. Soon, Dennis shows up, goes into his workshop, and throws a fit, trashing the place. He then goes into the house and tells his wife he "did some bad things" and "he's gotta go away". After a tearful hug, he leaves. But the cops were either out having doughnuts or something cause they come back in too late.

Pictured: Mrs. B.T.K hearing some bad news and "crying".

(See above comment)

Soon, Dennis is caught in Witchita and is bought in for questioning. I don't even know how to describe this scene. I'll have to do a Dash List. The following things all happen in order, so try to keep up:

-Dennis is by himself in an interrogation room.
-A cop enters.
-The cop asks if Dennis knows who the B.T.K Killer is. Dennis says he's a fan.
-The cop says that Dennis' DNA matches B.T.K's DNA.
-Dennis asks if the camera is on cause he wants to confess. Cop says talk.
-Cop asks if Dennis knows who the B.T.K Killer is. Dennis says he's a fan.
-The cop says that Dennis' DNA matches B.T.K's DNA
-Dennis asks if the camera is on-
-Dennis is by himself in an interrogation room.
-A cop enters
-The cop says that Dennis' DNA Matches B.T.K's DNA
-Everything turns yellow.

(I love the yellow scenes. It sounds fucking funny as shit.)

Then Dennis wakes up. He is back in bed and the scene is familar to the scene when he woke up at the beginning of the movie at home. He walks out of his house and goes into his workshop, which is back to it's original state, and he starts writing letters to newspapers and TV. The movie comes to an end.

(Huh..well, thats just uuh....huh. Hmm. See me after class. We might have to arrange a parent-teacher conference. I am very disappointed in you. F-)

We'd like to thank Oliver Stone and Quentin Tarantino for writing the last 20 minutes of this movie cause my mind is royally fucked. I don't know what the fuck that was. Was the entire movie a dream? Did he not kill anyone? What??

Anyway, that's "B.T.K" starring Kane Hodder. I don't think I learned too much from this movie besides the stuff that I learned prior to watching this movie. There's even a disclaimer at the beginning that says "this is a fictional account of a real character". So...someone wrote a fanfic about a real serial killer and turned it into a movie. Thanks.

This is probably pointless now but here's Mary to tell us what this movie got wrong. Take it away Mary.

(Thank you, Jason. Right you are. This whole movie just sounds like a god-awful mess. Just rubbish. If your family member was a BTK victim, wouldn't you be pissed off? Pissed off not only that they made a MOVIE about this case, but also because they got so many prominently known facts completely wrong. They didn't even try. Theoretically, you can make a good movie about anything. It's all about dedication and technique. These coke guys, they really mucked it up. Lame! BOO!!!)

-Jason & M.

Friday, December 11, 2009

The Bad Movie Ultimate Cage Match #1 Winner!

Yeah, I'm callin' it a bit early. It's a landslide pretty much.



Round 1 WINNER is Fletch and "The Happening"!! Yay or something!!!

So here's how the next few rounds are gonna go. Fletch and "The Happening" (Sounds like a band name, it's yours, Fletch, if you are so musically inclined) are gonna go again on Monday against a new opponent. Then next Friday we see if Fletch remains champion or if there will be a new winner.

I haven't decided yet how long to let this go or what should happen at the end. I'll figure that out when we come to it. Anyway, I do have the next TWO match ups planned but I STILL NEED PEOPLE TO VOLUNTEER TO PARTICIPATE! Anyone can do it. Just send me an email with your movie and why YOU think it's bad. And also people to vote. There was a good turn out but more would be appreciated.

As for Rachel, sorry you and your movie lost. I guess no one hates David Lynch's first film as much as you. I'm sorta assuming the one vote was yours but I could be wrong. For the record you CAN partake again after next week, but it'll have to be a different movie.

Anyway, congratulations Fletch and next Match Up will start on Monday. Thanks to everyone who voted and our first participants.
-Jason

Thursday, December 10, 2009

NOT THIS MOVIE!! AHH MY EYES!!!

At first I was afraid, I was petrified. Kept thinkin' I'd never have to see this movie ever again. I spent too many nights thinkin' how it was so bad. But I grew strong... I knew I had to carry on.

But now it's back!! From outer space!! I just walked in to find it here with that dumb look on it's face! I should've changed that fuckin' lock, I should've made it leave it's key if I'd had known for just one second you'd be back to bother me!!!!!

And yes, somehow I survived. Yes I survived. I watched the 2006 Nicolas Cage acted Neil LaBute (huh huh butt) directed "The Wicker Man", possibly the most unneeded remake since Gus Van Sant's "Psycho". The differences between these two movies are as huge as semi's.

Speaking of, we start the movie with Nic Cage as a traffic cop, cruising the mean streets of Montana or something. A car is driving and a little girl throws out a doll. Nic scoops it up and then turns on his lights. He then gives the driver a ticket for littering.

He gives the girl her doll back but she throws it out again. While retrieving it again, a semi rams into the car, and since this is a movie the car immedately explodes. Well, ok then.

Flashforward to...some time later. Nic is on personal leave cause the entire thing fucked him up. He recieves a letter from a chick he use to date named Willow. Apparently her daughter has gone missing and she needs his help to find her. Ah, so they got rid of one character from the original and paired the missing girl with Willow. This tugs at Nic's heart strings and can't resist, even though he doesn't know where this Summerisle is.

For the record, this Summerisle is off of Washington State. In the original movie, it was off of Scotland. I guess Nic Cage can't pull off a Scottish accent. So after some searching, and us learning that his first name is Edward (wait, it gets stupider), Nic flies off to Summerisle.

He arrives with the help of some dude who routinely flies to the island. He says he brings supplies to the island but it looks like they do alright for themselves there. Edward is immedately snubbed by the locals, and this time it's all women doing the snubbing. After guessing there's a shark of all fuckin' things inside a sack they have, he's off to find Willow.

Edward arrives at the bar/hotel of Large Woman from "Mr. Deeds", Sister Beech. Willow arrives and shows Edward his room, after awkwardly killing a bee. Important later. Believe it or not. Willow tells Edward she's worried about her daughter Rowan (they kept that first name) but Willow and Rowan's last name is Woodward. Yes, one character's name is Edward and another last name Woodward. They might as well have had Nic Cage pick up the DVD release of the original at some point in this movie. Ugh.

Anyway, Nic starts his search for the girl which consists of roaming around the woods and having horrible conversations with Willow. I say horrible cause the chick playing her can not act at all. She starts a line and just decides to trail off. Here's an example:

Nic: So when did you see Rowan last?
Willow: I saw her....
(Dances around, holding a rose)
Nic: Was Rowan depressed?
Willow: Depressed? Why would you....
(Dances around like Stevie Nicks in that "Gypsy" video)

Christ this movie. I don't even wanna watch this anymore. Oh, right, I should talk about some more changes to the movie.

You know how Summerisle was played by Christopher Lee in the original? Well in this movie, Summerisle is played by Ellen Brysten. And instead of it being some random pagantry, it's a FEMALE PAGAN FEST. And instead of fruit, it's honey, hence all the bee's. Too bad Edward there is allergic to bee's. He gets stung a few times and "good old fashion medicine" saves him. It's not explained what that is exactly. Probably eels and goat urine.

Alright, I'll continue but it'll be quick.

Basically Edward acts like a dick to everyone, from Leelee Sobieski to a school teacher. The only scene that was remotely CLOSE to the original (besides the ending, even that was different) was the schoolhouse scene. The only difference was Nic Cage acting like a brat and pulling away from the schoolteacher's planner.

Edward discovers that despite everyone saying Rowan doesn't exist, he finds evidence that she did. A picture in the bar is missing. He talks to the photographer and she isn't helpful. He breaks in and finds it and yes the missing picture had Rowan in it, and the crops did fail that year the picture was taken.

In a TWIST! Willow tells Edward that Rowan is his daughter so now it's personal! The scene where he's stung by bees, he wakes up in Sister Summerisle's house and he meets Summerisle. She doesn't really explain shit and Edward leaves. He finds the plane he rode in on and finds the radio is missing and later the pilot is dead.

The final 20 minutes of this movie is just pure comedic gold. I'll save those scenes for the end cause Youtube is crawling with these scenes.

So the final minutes as Edward finding Rowan and trying to save her. Of course this is a trap and much like the original, this all was planned to get him there so they can sacrifice him. But here's the stupidest fucking thing I ever heard: they been planning this FOR YEARS!!!

See, they sent Willow to find a guy, make him fall in love with her, then she'd leave. Then they sent a woman and a girl to get "killed" when a semi hits them. This somehow motivates him to wanna help Willow when "she" sends the letter. THE FUCK??? Oh and the girl and woman that got "killed", are still alive. OH! And some female cop that Edward knew...a plant from Summerisle.

NOW HOLD THE FUCKIN' PHONE!! How are you gonna get someone to pretend to be a cop in this town Edward is from? Everybody knows everyone and she was actually wearing a cop uniform AND was walking around the police station. Unless she blew a lot of guys and said "Hey pretend I work here", this is just fuckin' stupid. And why him?? Even he asks this but it's not answered. I guess killing him will bring back their god damn honey.

Anyway, not only do they put him in the giant Wicker Man, they break his fuckin' legs. Thanks for that Neil. Now, it's not revealed that Edward is a big Christian guy. He's just trying to do the right thing. So he doesn't have much to scream out at the end. And while the ending of the original was a bit inspired cause Edward Woodward gave a good performance, Nic Cage pretty much went "Eh I'm gonna die" and just slumps forward. Fuck, I hate this movie.

I have nothing else to add. Watch these two videos and enjoy the stupidity that is Nicolas Cage's "The Wicker Man":






-Jason

PS: Wanna know one of the reasons Nic Cage is broke?

A Christian Horror Movie

This review is for two things: a compare and contrast of both versions of "The Wicker Man" and an entry in the Final Girl Film Club. I'm seperating the reviews of both versions cause I wasn't sure if it'd count if both versions were in one review. Probably for the best cause I could write a novel on how bad the remake is. But let's not get ahead of ourselves here.

"The Wicker Man (1973)" starts off with Sergeant Howie (Edward Woodward) arriving on the island of Summerisle. He's there to find a missing girl named Rowan. Who contacted him and why remains a mystery but is explained by the time the movie ends. As soon as Howie arrives, things get kinda strange. He shows a group of old guys a picture of Rowan and they all claim they don't know her.



Since this movie was made in the 70's, this movie falls victim to having a folk song attached to the opening credits. (Play that song while reading the rest of this review. The video is just a song, no video so you won't be missing anything.) It never fails to crack me up with movies did this. I should come up with a movie, called "70's Movie" or something and bring this back. Then again, it wouldn't be a folk song but some crap put out by Miley Cyrus or Justin Bubble or whatever his name is. Fuck I'm getting old.

Anyway, Howie makes his way through the island and comes upon a pub with a hotel attached. He asks for a room and the first half of this movie turns into a musical cause every other scene has people singing. There's a rather lengthy song about "The Landlord's Daughter", in this case Willow, and the Landlord is a Paul Lynde-type. I'm sure if Paul Lynde was still alive, he would've been asked to be in the Nic Cage remake. And that would've saved the movie, I'm sure.

After Willow shows Howie his room, he goes out for a nightly stroll and comes upon a bunch of people fucking outside. And a naked chick crying on a grave. Howie goes back to his room and prays. This is important because this reveals that Howie is a super Christian, who not only goes to Church, but he participates by reading prayers and stuff.




So what I mean by the title of this post is if any uptight Christian were to watch this, they would find this to be a horror movie since everyone on this island is a pagan. What with them roaming around naked, fucking outdoors, and something else that happens at the end of the movie.


The movie amps up the weirdness when Willow goes to her room, gets naked, and sings some seduction song. She dances, shakes her ass, and basically taps on the wall. Howie is tempted but he just settles for humping the wall. Once his load is blown in his pants, he goes to sleep.

Turns out that Howie is a virgin and is waiting until he's married. Willow is dissapointed but shrugs it off. The search for Rowan continues.

Howie checks out the school and is apalled to hear the teacher say the word "penis". I know, how dare she??!? The teacher and the students say they don't know who Rowan is and showing that Edward Woodward is a better actor than Nic Cage, knows how to take the teachers grade book without coming off as a complete jerk. There, he finds Rowan's name and calls a bunch of little girls liars. Good job Mr. Christian.

Howie roams around some more and some more weird images show up. He learns that Rowan did exist at some point but now she's dead and there's a grave for her. He also learns that there's no "old religion" on the island, which techically isn't true if you really think about it. Cause before God and stuff, people danced around fires naked and worshipped the sun and whatever. Then the Pope came in with his shotgun and said "DO THIS SHIT!! NOW!!!" At least that's the version I was taught.



Anyway, things get weirder and weirder and Howie gets more and more disturbed. He finally visits Lord Summerisle, played by Christopher Lee. I was waiting for him to show up cause I like him. But here, he's wearing some awful wig. I'm sure he hasn't had hair like that since, oh, 1930. (How old is Christopher Lee again?)


Summerisle tells Howie that his grandfather came to this island a long ass time ago and developed a way to raise fruit. He rejected all the "old" reglious ways and came up with his own or something to bring in the harvest. There was also something about a particular kind of fruit but the movie kinda lost me at this point. Anyway, Summerisle gives Howie permission to dig up Rowan's grave.

Of course, they do at night and inside the casket is a dead rabbit, er sorry "hare". Howie storms back to Summerisle's castle and throws the hare's body at him and says "FUCK YOU, I'M OUT!"

The next morning, Howie finds he can't leave cause someone tampered with his plane. I would've figured that out, it seems like something is up with every one of these fuckin' people. Of course no one knows anything and Howie is pretty much stuck on this island. Howie flips out and searches the entire island for Rowan. While that's happening, the island is preparing for their Mayday festival.

This festival calls for everyone to wear animal masks and certain people to dress a certain way. Summerisle himself dresses up as a woman. Wish I was making that up. Oddly enough, Howie doesn't punch a woman, threaten another one with a gun, or dress up as a bear. Now I don't know which version is weirder, this one or the Nic Cage one.

Speaking of guns, I wonder why Howie, as a policeman, doesn't have one. It was never said he doesn't believe in them. You'd think he'd have one. I think it would've came in handy. Of course, Nic Cage had one in the remake...

Anyway, Howie realizes Rowan isn't dead and the only way to get her is to pretend to be Paul Lynde and partake in the pagan ritual, if only for a little bit. He knocks out the Innkeeper and takes his costume, which is suppose to be a Fool. The entire island than dances down to this fake Stonehedge thing they got set up and soon they bring out Rowan.

Howie stupidly blows his cover and just runs up to rescue her. At first I thought the girl playing Rowan was a bad actress cause she was more or less like "PHEW! Thank god YOU saved me, Mr. Policeman I Never Seen Before! Boy Howdy" all flat like. Then she makes him go through this cave and they come out some end on top of a cliff where Summerisle and the rest of the island is waiting. Rowan turns to Howie and goes "FAKE!! You got served, bitch!!" and runs to Summerisle.

In a total "M. Night" twist, it turns out Summerisle tricked Howie into coming to the island on his own free will so they can sacrifice HIM since their harvest is pretty shitty and they think killing him will bring back their god damn apples. It's revealed that everything that happened was somehow planned, from Rowan's mom sending Howie the letter explaining that Rowan is missing to everyone fucking around with him, to planting the grave to, well, just everything. And Howie doesn't even try to fight the people off. He tries to run and one guy grabs him and Howie is like "Oh darn".

Well, he does try to talk himself out of it, by trying to convince the people what they're doing is wrong. But there's no changing these people minds. They strip him nude, paint his body, and put a white robe on him. Then they take him to....THE WICKER MAN!!

They lock him inside and, well, you've all seeing images of Burning Man. Guess how the movie ends? Yep. Kind of a bummer, huh?





Honestly, I never heard of this movie until the Nic Cage version was released and people were bitching about "remaking a classic!! OMGZ!!!!" and I'll admit it's not bad, but holy fuck it's weird. I guess that's why people like it cause it's weird. And I can agree with them, that it didn't need to be remade, especially how the remake turned out. If you're just dying to know what happens in the remake and how these movies differ, just wait, cause that review will be coming shortly.

As for this one, it was good. Not really scary, unless you are a die hard Christian, then you'll be pissing your pants at all the pagantry going on. I heard even Glenn Beck cried.

-Jason

Wednesday, December 09, 2009

The Horrible Tragic Life of Dr. Feet: Chapter Five

(Before I begin this chapter, only two days left to vote in this week's Bad Movie Ultimate Cage Match! I'm being annoying with the reminders cause there's only 6 votes and only one person stepped forward saying they wanna take on whoever wins this week. I need more people to keep this going, yo! I never pressured you to do anything ever! Don't give up the fight, Johnny! YOU'RE THE BEST!!!! AROUND!!!!!! Wait...sorry. Anyway, participate.

And this is probably the weirdest chapter I've written so far, with the Lady Gaga thing and the part of the airplane that I'm sure really doesn't exist. Keep in mind this is all suppose to play out like a bad movie.)

What was weird was prior to boarding the plane I had "Let's Dance" in my head. I really have no idea why it was. Maybe it's fate or maybe I'm partically psychic. I don't know. But now I was looking at the chick singing the song that's currently in my head. How fucking weird is that?

"Yes, I am," Lady Gaga said. She looked out the window. "Why aren't we flying yet?"
"Sorry, ma'am," James said. He went back into the cockpit and got ready to take off. Rick and I took seats next to Lady Gaga.
"I just wanna say I like your songs," I said. I saw Rick moving his head. I think he was agreeing with me.
"That's good," was all Lady Gaga said. She kept staring out the window. The world might not agree with me but I think she's fuckin' hot. Kinda too bad she's wearing a curtain.

The plane started moving forward. I buckled my seatbelt and the plane was just simply rolling on the tarmac. I always hated planes taking off. I barely noticed it on the way to L.A cause I was reading about "The Horrible Tragic Life of Dr. Feet". I figured I needed a similar distraction so I turned and looked at Lady Gaga's tits. I gotta say it helped.

Next thing I knew the plane was going up into the sky. I got to see her tit's jiggle. I had to be careful not to get too excited. Soon, the plane was in the air and the jiggling stopped. Lady Gaga turned to me.

"So, what exactly is going on?" she asked.
"My friend is on his way to kill me."
"But you're here."
"He doesn't know I'm here. He thinks I'm somewhere else."
"Oh."
"So, I take it you like to play poker?"
"Where do you get that idea?"
"Cause...poker face?"
"Oh. No, I don't like to play poker. The song isn't about poker. It's about..."
Then Lady Gaga paused. She thought for a minute. Then two. I turned to Rick, who was still moving his head but now I see he was shaking his head. He looked at me and continued shaking his head. I shrugged my shoulders, silently asking "what?" Rick just continued shaking his head.
"...not giving away what you're thinking. Remaing stoic. You know, like this." Lady Gaga then made a blank face. I nodded.
"Awesome," was all I said.

I turned to Rick.
"So if we catch up to him, what's the plan?"
"I don't have one."
"You don't have a plan?"
"No. I like going into situations like this with no plan to see what the mind can come up with at the last minute, you know?"

I thought that was stupid but again I'm not a F.B.I agent. I turned back to Lady Gaga. I decided to try something crazy because how often am I gonna run into a female celebrity.

"So what should I call you? Lady? Gaga? The Ga? Miss Gaga?"
"Lady Gaga's fine."
"Ok. So Lady Gaga, is there a Gentleman Gaga?"
"Are you the paparatzzi?"
"Um, no."
"You know I hate them."
"Right."

It remained silent for a minute.

"Does disco stick mean what I think it means?"
"Yes. I like to fuck. Are you trying to fuck me?"

I was taken aback. I never had anyone be straightforward in asking me that. I actually stumbled for a minute.

"I'll be in the back. Come by when you're ready." Then Lady Gaga stood up and went to the back of the plane. Holy shit, I was gonna fuck a female celebrity. I figured it'd be someone like Scarlett Johannson or Jessica Biel or Alba. But hey, beggars can't be choosers. A celebrity is a celebrity. AND it's gonna be on an airplane. Mile high club here I come.

As I was about to stand up, Rick, who was looking out the window the entire time, grabbed my arm.

"That's the plane!" he exclaimed.
"What?" was all I said, trying to hide my boner.
"The plane your friend is on. I got the numbers from Miss Airhead at the airport and they match the ones on the plane. Come on, we got to get on that plane."
"What? No!" Rick looked at me. "I mean...how are we gonna get off of this plane and get on that plane?"
"Every plane has a secret hatch in the back that you can get in and out of in case of an emergency. The public isn't aware of this, so we can get in there without causing a panic on that plane. I'll talk to the pilot and have him line us up with the back of that plane."

Rick got up and went to the cockpit. I wondered if it was enough time to go in the back "real quick" but by the time I made my decision, Rick was back.

"Ok, he's gonna do it. Come on."

Rick headed towards the back. I followed him and I noticed a small room with a curtain drawn. I went and opened it and there was Lady Gaga. I tried to walk in but Rick quickly grabbed me, poked his head through the curtain and said "Thanks for letting us-oh. Sorry to interrupt you while you were changing. Thanks."

Needless to say, the news and the gossip is wrong about her.

We continued to the back of the plane and Rick was cutting open some fabric. Behind that was a 4 foot wide hatch with a handle. Rick turned it and opened it. The wind was unbearable. Rick poked his head out, then he turned to me and mouthed something. I just nodded. I didn't care. I was pissed.

Rick then pulled himself through the opening and I noticed that we were in fact right underneath a passenger airplane. Rick reached up and found a knob to a similar looking hatch. He turned it with all his stregth and finally it opened. He pushed the door inward and grabbing onto the inside of the second plane he pushed his way in. I poked my head out and made the mistake of looking down.

Suddenly everything was spinning and I felt like throwing up. I might've thrown up, I don't recall. Suddenly, things went black.

Tuesday, December 08, 2009

The Horrible Tragic Life of Dr. Feet: Chapter Four

(Before begining this chapter, if you haven't already, don't forget to vote in the Bad Movie Ultimate Cage Match!)

"Well now, he might not be AFTER me. Maybe he just needs help and I'm the only one he can turn to?" I ask, while Rick fast and furiously drives back to LAX.
"Whatever you say. We just have to get him before he gets on that plane."

We arrived at the airport in record time and ran to the ticket counter. A ticket agent was typing at her computer. She looked up at Rick as he flashed his badge.

"F.B.I. Did you sell a ticket to this individual?" Rick asked while showing a picture of Adam he got from Adam's apartment. The ticket agent looks.
"Oh yeah. He had a weird name. A Mr. Grrrr Rrrrr."
"Grrr Rrrr?" Rick asked.
"Yeah, that'd all he'd say."
"And you sold him a ticket anyway?" I asked
"He seemed pretty passionate about getting on that plane. Who am I to stop him?"
"When does that flight take off?"
"I'm sorry, it took off twenty minutes ago."
"Damn it!" Rick shouted. The entire airport stopped and looked.
"Can we get on the next flight to Indianapolis?" I asked, hoping to calm down the now scared ticket agent.
"Uh...the next flight isn't for another four hours."
"DAMMIT!!" Rick shouted again. He leaned over the counter and says right in the agents face, "DO YOU REALIZE WHAT THIS MEANS?"
The agent, who was wearing a name tag but her long blonde hair was in the way, was about to cry. I realized it meant by the time we got on the plane, Adam would be landing in Indianapolis. We needed to stop him before he got there.

I turned and looked out a window that I'm sure isn't normally there and noticed a couple of private planes just rolling around the tarmac. I tapped Rick on the shoulder and pointed out the window.

"Couldn't we just take one of those?"
"We can't afford to buy a private plane. Bailouts, you know."
Holy shit, I was right.
"Well, can't you 'borrow' it, like they do in the movies?"
"That's against the law. That's considered...you know. The H-word."
I nodded. I didn't wanna say the word in a crowded airport as well, with an F.B.I agent next to me or not.
"But you wouldn't be forcing anyone. If they say no, just go 'ok' and try the next one."

Rick couldn't find any argument against that so he sighed and said ok. We quickly ran out onto the tarmac and found the nearest private jet, about to take off. Rick pulled out his badge and stood in front of the plane. The pilot saw him and looked questioningly.

The plane came to a stop and the door opened. Rick, still holding his badge, says "I need to commandeer this plane. It's a national emergency!" The pilot shrugged his shoulders and extended the ladder. Rick and I climbed it and go on board. Rick shook the pilot's hand.

"Thank you, sir. I'm Special Agent Rickard Springfield. This is Jason Soto."
"Yes, from Invasion of the B Movies," I quickly added. The pilot looked at me, confused. Obviously he never goes on the internet.
"We need to find a plane that left from here going to Indiana approximately twenty minutes ago. Once we locate said plane, we will exit your plane and you can go on your way."
The pilot, who's nametag read James Dunn, just nodded and said "Ok, but you might want to explain that...to HER."

James pointed to the cabin. I turned and look and saw there were only a few seats. In one of the seats was a person wearing a lampshade on their head, a small set of window blinds coving their face, and a curtain for a dress. I'm assuming this was a female. When Rick and I stepped into the cabin, the female person finally acknowledged our existance.

"What is the meaning of this?" the female demanded.
"I'm sorry...ma'am? This is a national emergency. We have to stop a plane."
"Fine, whatever. I'm late for the New York Fashion Show."

I half wondered if we stumbled onto the filming of the sequel to "Bruno". Then the female pulled the drawstrings on the window shades and I got a clear look at her face.

"Oh my god. You're...Lady Gaga!"

Monday, December 07, 2009

The Bad Movie Ultimate Cage Match: #1

WELCOME!! To YET ANOTHER new fuckin' feature (I stopped doing the Question thing due to lack of responses) and I think this feature is gonna kick ass...literally!!



I stole this idea from a few places, one of which is a podcast I listen to. Since I'm stealing their idea, you should give them listen. They are "Outside The Cinema" and they are really great movie guys who are funny and wise and stuff. Check it out, yo!

With that out of the way, here is the plot/premise.

Each week (on Monday) TWO people will square off by naming the worst movie they can recall watching and WHY they find it bad. They don't have to write super long reviews or anything. Just some short that tells us why. Then I throw up a poll and YOU vote on who you think is either:
A-Right
B-or if you haven't seen one, or either, of the movies, who YOU think made the best argument. Either way, you DO NOT HAVE AN EXCUSE TO VOTE THIS MONDAY MONDAY MONDAY!! The voting lasts till Friday, when a winner is announced. Then THAT winner gets to go again and square off with a new person. SO I'LL CONTINUALLY NEED VOLUNTEERS FOR THIS! If you want to square off in the future, send me an email.

So that's it. Here's the matchup for tonight!

IN THIS CORNER!!! We have LAMB Master himself Dylan AKA FLETCH!!! He not only runs the LAMB, he's in charge of the LAMBcast, and runs his own blog Blog Cabins. Check all that shit out, but after you read what he has to say about this pick:

THE HAPPENING
"I feel like I'm at a disadvantage here. This is, after all, a site dedicated to B movies, a genre (designation? status?) I'm neither all that knowledgable in nor all that much of a fan of (though I do loves me some Basket Case and The Room and crappy Sci-Fi - er, sorry, SyFy channel movies...maybe I'm a bigger B movie fan than I'm willing to admit). Anyway, I'm sure there are some turrible, turrible movies like Mega Whale vs. Giant Shrimp or whatever that I just haven't seen or possibly even heard of. And choosing The Room is just way too easy - it's the Citizen Kane of bad movies, after all, and it's been covered enough by people like me and Jason already. It would feel like cheating for me to select that one. So I'm going with a more mainstream film.

Of course, my selection also happens to be a layup, but at least it's a layup that everyone can agree on. It's none other than Shamalama-man's "The Happening", a movie that tried to answer the question "What if someone attempted to make a low-budget apocalypse movie?" How else to explain the somewhat ingenious plan that required ZERO special effects to show all of the "destruction?" The deadly killer, the one that knocks off millions of people and causes global panic...it's in the air, man! It's, like, invisible. Perhaps for Night's next flick, all of the characters will be invisible, too, and maybe the sets as well - imagine the savings!

Of course, the cheesy "killer" and lack of anything visually interesting onscreen isn't the only thing that makes Happening an awful film. Nay, it has terrible acting up the yin-yang (Marky Mark talks to fake plants!), a serious case of taking itself too seriously, batshit crazy old women, horrible child actors, a complete and total lack of suspense - you name it. The only thing missing? A self-indulgent cameo by M. Night himself. Oh well, I guess we'll have to wait for It's Happening Again (in Paris)."

OOH, I have heard that was awful. But let's see what his opponent has to say.

AND IN THIS CORNER: Rachel from Rachel's Reel Reviews! Recently gave birth, she's been away from blogging but now she's back in full force! A fellow MST3K fan, she writes neat short reviews that somehow manages to not spoil the ending. I could learn a thing or two from her. And her pick is:

ERASERHEAD:
I’ve come to accept that David Lynch is a bit off. I haven’t watched too many of his films, but what I have seen, I didn't understand, walked away confused, and chalked it up to Lynch's serious need for intense psychotherapy. So it’s not that I hate Eraserhead because it makes little to no sense (though that is a reason to simply dislike it): I hate it because it’s not the least bit scary, and yet many film enthusiasts believe it’s one of the most terrifying films ever made. And yet I find it nothing more than a jumble of pretentious, surrealist garbage. Whatever Mr. Lynch’s initial intent with Eraserhead was, the critics have since bestowed upon it such a devoted cult following that one can’t help but be curious enough to check it out, only to be trapped in 90 minutes of bizarre boredom, waiting desperately to be scared.

Wow. I only seen Eraserhead once and I was just confused. Anyway, this is gonna be good.

So now what you fine people need to do is read CAREFULLY the above arguments from each person and based on that, and your personal feelings, vote for which one is THE WORST! For those of you reading this on Facebook, click on VIEW ORIGINAL POST and answer in the poll. Choices said in the comments WILL NOT COUNT. Poll closes Friday morning, so get to votin'!

(I suppose both Fletch and Rachel can vote for themselves. Who's to know anyway, huh?)

Again, I want everyone reading this to be involved at least once, so if you wanna take on next week's winner, email me saying so!

Thanks and good luck!
-Jason

Saturday, December 05, 2009

The Horrible Tragic Life of Dr. Feet: Chapter Three

I quickly dialed Adam's number. I looked at the clock. Only an hour has passed. If he started the movie after getting off the phone with me, it should be almost over. I hope he's still sane enough to answer the phone. After the 15th ring, I gave up and feared the worse.

"Rick Springfield, we have to go to L.A."
"It's Rickard. Agent Springfield, rather. Do you know where in L.A your friend lives?"
"Yeah, I visited him once. I still remember how to get there."
"Then we don't have time to waste."

I followed Rick outside and he was in a rented black car. I'm not good with makes and models of cars. It had four doors, was black, and looked brand new. I got in the passenger side and Rick quickly started the car and rushed to the airport, which was only 15 minutes from my house.

I guess with all the bailouts going on, the goverment couldn't afford private planes, so we had to buy two tickets directly to L.A. The plane was set to leave in 15 minutes. The advantage of having a F.B.I agent with you in an airport is you can bypass all the security. We got to the gate in record time.

We found our seats and I asked Rick if he had a case file on these deaths and any information on the movie, like the plot or the stars. Normally most b-movie actors tend to work with the same director cause they're the only ones giving them work. Rick handed me a file folder and when the plane was in the air, I opened it up.

"The Horrible Tragic Life of Dr. Feet" was an independant film by "first time director T. Thomas F. Coltrane", most likely a fake name. Not much is known about the plot since the only people who seen it ended up dead. According to it's Wikipedia page (obviously written by Mr. Coltrane) it tells the sad story of Doctor Iggy Feet, a doctor in Canada during the early 1900's. He fell in love with a patient, named Darla Candyapple but he finds out she's gonna die in two weeks. Realizing this, Dr. Feet spends his life finding a cure to Darla's disease, which is rare.

That just sounds boring but not bad. I wonder when the bad stuff starts. Then I read how it ends. Holy shit.

SPOILER ALERT!

Dr. Feet takes Darla's dead body and drags it into his basement. He hooks her up to this machine that he's been tinkering with during intervals of the movie and tries to reanimate her corpse. This goes horribly wrong and Dr. Feet ends up electrocuting himself. The spirit of Dr. Feet end up in the body of Darla, who now wakes up. Dr. Feet, now in the body of a woman, lives the rest of Darla's natural life.

The hell?

I don't know if that would make me wanna kill myself but it does sound stupid. Whatever drugs this T. Thomas F. Coltrane is smoking, it should be illegal. Apparently I been going over this case file for 4 hours cause next thing I know we're over California. I closed the case file, realizing that was only the first 45 minutes of the movie. We land in LAX and Rick rents a car.

I navigate Rick through L.A until we hit a certain part of L.A that Adam lives in. After trying to read some of the billboards which are in some other language, we find Adam's place. I jump out of the car and run up to Adam's door, which swings open.

"Fuck", I say. "Adam? You home? Alive?"

I start to step in when I feel Rick push me back. He has his gun out.

"F.B.I! Come on out!"

There is no answer anywhere. Rick steps into Adam's apartment and I follow. I look around. In the living room the TV is on and showing a black screen. The DVD player is on and playing the black screen on a loop. I go to the DVD player and press eject. The DVD pops out and I look at the DVD. Handwritten on the front are the words "The Horrible Tragic Life of Dr. Feet". I take the DVD and find the case, which just has a piece of tape on it with the title written on it and nothing else. No pictures, no description, no star rating. Not even a fractured statement from some made up movie critic.

"This movie....good....best....yourself!"-Dave Guy

Rick comes back into the living room, putting his gun into his holster.

"You need to see this," Rick says to me. I put the DVD into the pocket of my hoodie. Which reminds me, now that I'm in L.A I'm fucking burning up. I take the hoodie off and walk into Adam's bedroom with Rick. Rick takes me to Adam's computer and shows me what's on the screen.

"Has Adam ever visited you in Indianapolis?" Rick asked me.
"No, he kinda hates Indy. Didn't even want me to move there."

I look at the screen and notice that he has my address typed into Google Maps and what is possibly the worst set of directions to get to my house from the airport. Who the hell writes these things?

"It looks like he's after you," Rick says.

Friday, December 04, 2009

The Horrible Tragic Life of Dr. Feet: Chapter Two

"What?" I asked, not sure if I heard him right. Watching "I Was A Teenage Zombie" can do that to a fella.
"Can I come in, please? I promise I will explain."

Not finding a reason not to, I stepped aside and let the man on through. He looked around my apartment like he was trying to find something nice to say but he clearly thought I lived in a shit hole. Fuck him, I love my apartment.

"Sir-" Rick Springfield started to say.
"Call me Jason. I'm not in the army."
"Sir, am I correct in assuming you are the maintainer of a website called-" Rick paused, pulled out a notepad and thumbed it open. "Invasion of the B Movies?"
"Yeah. Why? Did someone complain about the images? It's just boobs."
"No. I'm going to need your help on a matter that is very important. What I am saying, Mr. Soto, is the United States of America needs your knowledge of bad movies to help save some lives."
"W-w-w-hat? Wait. Did Bill put you up to this? That fucker." I turned away and headed for my phone.
"I assure you I am serious. There has been a series of unexplainable deaths and they all center around one movie. I need to know if you know anything about it or if you are familar with the director."
"Man, Bill must really be pissed at me for all the pranks I pulled on him." I started dialing Bill's number.
"Do you know a director named T. Thomas F. Coltrane?", Rick Springfield (How could I have not realized this was a prank sooner) said, still reading from his notepad.
"No, I don't." Bill's phone was ringing. "How much did he pay you? He must've really saved up. Nice suit by the way."
"How about a movie titled 'The Horrible Tragic Life of Dr. Feet'?"
I paused.
"Hello?" Bill answered.
I hung up the phone.
"What did you say?" I said slowly, not believing this.
"The Horrible Tragic Life of Dr. Feet. Heard of it?" Rick asked, closing his notepad.
"Not until earlier today. What does that movie have to do with anything?"
"What I'm about to tell you is strictly confidental. Three people have died mysteriously in the past two weeks. When their bodies were found, a copy of this Dr. Feet movie was in their DVD player. It would appear that the cause of death was suicide."
"So people are watching a movie, and when it's over...they kill themselves?"
"The first two people did. The third was a bit unusual. She finished the movie, then grabbed the nearest weapon and killed everyone in her household, then herself. I need to find the director of this movie because he is causing people to hurt themselves and others with his bad movie."

I sat down on my couch. I'm pale in most parts of my body but right now my face was joining various body parts. I looked up at Rick.

"I don't know who the director is. But I know where a copy of the movie is now."