Sunday, January 31, 2010

Home Fest '10: Saw 6 (Or IV)



Ah, you thought it was over, did ya? IN YER FACE!

I've been reviewing all the Saw sequels on this blog for awhile, so I might as well keep it going with the last (in that I mean recent) installment.

Apparently, this series is never going to end. This was suppose to be the last one but judging by how this ended, it's not. I don't know how much more they can do with it. I mean is John Jigsaw gonna start looking up bullies from school.

"Hello Nelson. I'd like to play a game. You use to tease me a lot, stick my head in the toilet, and give me wedgies. Now I would like to do the same to you. Your head is currently stuck in a bowl of water full of feces. If you don't get out of this trap in 10 seconds, this machine will pull your underwear so far up your ass the FBI will be pulling it out of your mouth. Let the game begin!"

Honestly, I don't know how to explain the continuity of the story because they release these movies a year apart and I only seen them once. I know at this point Jigsaw is (Spoiler) dead, and Shawnee Smith is (spoiler) dead and some cop that appeared out of nowhere in Part 4 is now (spoiler) the new Jigsaw and Jigsaw's wife is also (spoiler) somehow involved.

So instead I'll talk about the new traps in this movie. The victim focuses on William, the head of an insurance company that likes to deny people more than at hot cheerleader at prom. He denied Jigsaw when he was alive and in the early stages of cancer so now Jigsaw gets his panties in a bunch and kidnaps him and makes him go through four deadly traps involving people he works with.

The first one involves an overweight janitor who smokes and if he can hold his breath the longest, he'll live. Unfortunately he doesn't. So William is free to go and next he finds two people hanging by barb wire. William has the other ends in his hands but he has to let one of them go, and get hung, to save the other. So he has to pick who's more important, an old lady with a family, or a lonely 20 year old.

Next is his lawyer who has to get through a maze full of hot steam. William has to turn the steam off to let her through. But the end of it she has to cut William open to get the key to free her. She decides to go psycho instead and to quote Jigsaw "pays the price".

Finally, is a group of 6 people all who work for William. They play a weird merry-go-round version of Russian Roulette, where William has to decide who lives and who dies. Kinda like him denying certain people of insurance. Oooh snap! William thinks with his dick on this one.

So William comes to the end of the trap and there's a twist involving a lady and her son and this super hot reporter chick and the lady and son have a decision to make and hot reporter chick is just kinda there being hot.

With that done, the other plot is a bit convoluted. The New Jigsaw's Cop Boss and partner know what he's doing so New Jigsaw stops them, tying up some loose ends on that part. But Mrs. Jigsaw has some tricks up her sleeves and double crosses New Jigsaw in a way that makes me think Saw 7: Hopefully The Final One will just be a revenge flick a'la "Kill Bill".

Oddly enough, I liked this one, but I'm not sure why. It certainly isn't any better than the others. By this point in the movie, you really had to have watched the other films. If you go into this blindly you'll be like "WTF?" cause they barely explain/remind you about anything that happened in the previous films. The movie was just over 1 hour and 20 minutes, they could've squeezed out a quick "PREVIOUS ON LOST SAW" or something.

-Jason

Is Offically Part of the Problem

I used Redbox for the first time today. If you never used it, here's how it works:

It's a dollar for each movie.
For each day you keep it, you're charged another dollar.
If you keep it for 25 days, you keep the DVD.

After much thinking about this I have this to say:
WHAT FUCKING BULLSHIT!

THIS is what's replacing video stores? It's the same fucking thing!

Ok so you go to Blockbuster and rent a movie and pay, what, $4.75/5 bucks for each movie. You keep them for how long? 5 days. That works out the same fucking way! And both Redbox and Blockbuster SAY they don't have late fees but if you do keep them past a unspoken time, you get charged up the wazoo. Now, in Blockbuster's defense, they do have a grace period of say another week after the due date and they won't charge you any late fees. But really, people? It's the same thing. Plus older movies at Blockbuster are usually like a dollar and you keep those for 5 days.

So screw Redbox. I'm gonna be sticking with Blockbuster and Netflix. 25 bucks for a USED DVD my ass.
-Jason

Saturday, January 30, 2010

Home Fest '10: Fido


In some weird alternate world of the 1950's (More like Tim Burton's version of the 50's I guess), some space dust came to Earth and caused the dead to walk again. This bought upon The Zombie Wars. Then a scientist dude invented this collar that placed upon a zombie, makes them stop wanting to eat people and completely docile. A company, named Zomcom, was formed to track all zombies and take care of any broken collars. Now, anybody can own a zombie for their own needs. And I do mean their own needs.

That's the premise of "Fido" and it's an interesting spin on the zombie genre. We focus on the Robinson Family and they're not quite normal. Dad (played by Dylan Baker, who'll always be a pedofile from "Happiness" to me, no matter what) is kind of an asshole, in the same way William H. Macy's character was an asshole in "Pleasantville". Mom (Carrie Ann Moss) wants to desperately fit in to the neighborhood. And Timmy is always getting picked on at school for being different.

When the Head of Safety at Zomcom moves into the neighborhood, Mom wants to show off and buys a zombie, which doesn't make Dad too happy because he's scared of them because his dad turned into one during the Wars. The zombie Mom gets is Fido, played by Billy Connolly. At first, Timmy doesn't like the new family zombie, but when he stares away two bullies, Timmy names him Fido and starts treating him like a pet.

The movie is pretty much a black comedy by default since it deals with zombies. Fido's collar gets broken and he accidently kills the nosy bitchy neighbor Mrs. Henderson, which causes all sorts of other problems. Timmy hides the body but the two bullies know what happened and treaten to kill Fido and Timmy.

Well, Fido doesn't attack Timmy when the collar is off cause he likes him, but he does attack the bullies. Fido is then sent to get Mom in a total spoof of "Lassie" to help Timmy, who's tied to a tree, from getting eaten by the now zombie bullies.

When Mrs. Henderson's body is found (Timmy removed the head prior to burying, which is how funerals are done now) Mr. Head of Safety find's Timmy's baseball and sends Fido away. Timmy finds out through Mr. Head of Safety's daughter that Fido is still alive and working in a factory and now it's up to Timmy and his weird neighbor who use to work for Zomcom and now fucks a female zombie to break Fido out.

It is a good movie and I highly recommend it. I'm not sure if the movie is trying to be some sort of satire or a message or what but it is a good movie, if not a bit weird. Despite the weird neighbor having a zombie girlfriend, we don't see zombie tits. Can't win them all.

-Jason

Friday, January 29, 2010

Home Fest '10: Zombie Death House

You ever have that feeling where you're super excited by something? You're jumping up and down and up and down and you go "EEEE!!!!" and you just feel like you're gonna burst from excitement? Then when that something happens, it turns out to be a 90-year-old clown with herpes and a dead dog. Well, my herpe-infested old clown with dead dog is "Zombie Death House".

I posted awhile back about finding this movie at my grocery store and bought it cause of the title. I mean it's fucking ZOMBIE DEATH HOUSE! ZOMBIE!! DEATH!! HOUSE!! You can't go wrong, can you?

Well, yes.

So the movie focuses on this guy name Derrick, who was some special ops guy "in the war" and now he's back to try to make a normal living. He got a job being a driver for some mob guy. Derrick ends up boinking the mob guy's girlfriend/wife. Then he has to drive two guys for the mob guy to a dark alley that turns out to be a drive by or something. Derrick realizes this line of work sucks and leaves. But not without one final screw from Mob Guy's Girl.

Mob Guy finds out and kills the girl and plants the body in Derrick's hotel room. The cops pick him up and he's found guilty and sent to the chair.

This is the first 35 minutes of a movie called ZOMBIE DEATH HOUSE! They're gonna have to go a long way to get to that title.

MEANWHILE, John Saxon is an evil General guy experimenting with some virus thing and he's injecting it into death row inmates. One inmate doesn't react to it and goes on a rampage. And he starts falling apart. I'm sad to say that this is your zombie. And the death house? Slang term for death row. Why not just call the fucking movie Zombie Death Row? At least I'd know what I was getting myself to.

Anyway, this virus is contagious and on Christmas Eve half the prison gets infected. The other half seem immune to it, including Derrick. So now he has to fight his way out of prison with the help of a hot scientist chick and the Warden's kids. To get revenge, Derrick has Mob Guy bought into the prison.

The Mob Guy has a brother in prison who, um, "discovers he likes guys" and has a boyfriend. There's a bunch of scenes involving them two nearly getting it on. I'm far from a homophobe but I was starting to wonder if I accidently got a gay porno by mistake. More like ZOM-BONE ANAL HOUSE, amirite?

Anyway.

Because John Saxon is in this movie, he's evil and a jerk and wants to blow the prison up, along with the infected, so now it's a race againt time to get out of the prison. Apparently while building the prison, they decided it was smart to have some sort of tunnel in the basement so prisoners can easily get out. So Derrick and his new friends have to head there.

It's an alright film and you could do a whole "28 Days Later" argument on if they are really zombies or not (probably not) but it was a bit dissapointing. I just want to note that not only did John Saxon star in it, he also directed, so that's something. I guess.

Zombie Manmeat House?

-Jason

Home Fest '10: Ballistic: Ecks vs Sever

After this movie (and Travis) winning five weeks in a row in the Cage Match, I had to see for myself. And here's what I have to say in my Copyrighted Dash Style!

-It was a bit too hyped up for me. I didn't think it was the worst movie in the world.
-I do acknowledge it is a pretty bad cheesy action film but here's the thing about me: I LOVE bad cheesy action films!
-I'd view this more as a guilty pleasure.
-I love how Antonio Bandaras wore a suit throughout the movie, even while he was being transfered to prison. AND HE WAS THE ONLY PRISONER ON THE BUS!
-It had Curtis Manning from "24" in it, along with Ray Parks.
-A lot of the explosions were just there just to be there. We should check to see if Michael Bay really directed it.
-Speaking of director, it was directed by Kaos, so what did you expect?

With all that said and done, I can see why people wouldn't like it but I thought it was good mind numbing flick. The ending did take a bit too long. I was like "Kill the bad dudes already, Antonio and Lucy. Sheesh."

Oh and there's no way this movie is worse than "Transformers 2". I think Maria was robbed that week. No offense, Travis.
-Jason

The Bad Movie Ultimate Cage Match #8 Winner



After a weekend of begging and a almost not posting on Monday, we finally have a winner! Congratulations Rach! You get to go on to round 9! As for Bill, sorry man, you had to lose two in a row. But there's next time.

Anyway, it seems to work so I'll do it again. Here's me begging for you guys to participate in this and I'll even say what the rules are again!

1. You pick a movie you think its bad
2. You write a brief short few paragraphs thing about said movie on why you think it's bad.
3. YOU EMAIL ME the brief short few paragraphs. I'll keep it on hold until Monday.

That's it. It's fairly easy. You can do it! Cause We're TREE-riffic (I'm copyrighting the HELL out of that!)
-Jason

Thursday, January 28, 2010

The Jason Soto B-Fest-A-Thon '10 of Greatness

Ok that's probably not the title I'm gonna go with. Anyway.

Unless you ignore everything I say (about 75% of people), you might remember me saying the other day that while the real B-Fest is happening, I'm gonna have my own at home. Of course I didn't go more into detail about when I was starting and whatnot cause I didn't really know. Of course (again), I'm still not sure until tomorrow rolls around. Anyway, I can tell you this:

-I won't be blogging about every movie I watch, cause I'll be watching some movies I already reviewed. I will blog about ones I haven't reviewed, but just a quick word or two (Note: Quick word or two for me=1000 words or so)
-I will be utilizing Twitter and Facebook to post updates on what I am watching so if you aren't following me on Twitter or a Facebook Fiend, then what are you waiting for, an invitation? If so, there it is. You're welcome.
-I don't know how long exactly I'll be going. All night? Maybe. Is Felicia gonna go stay at her Mom's if I do? Probably.

I would make this interactive and have you guys pick at least ONE movie for me watch during said Home Fest '10 (That's a better name!) but it is a bit last minute...aw hell let's do this!

Out of the following movies, whichever one gets the most votes I will watch as the last movie of the night tomorrow night. So what will it be?


Fido
Hudson Hawk
Meet The Feebles
Over The Top
Pervert
University of Illionis vs A Mummy
Ghoulies/Ghoulies 2

A 12-hour poll? That's what she said!

Anyway, that's it. It should be a fun and/or weird day tomorrow. Drank! Mozeltov!
-Jason

Tuesday, January 26, 2010

Epic Post About Epic Things

There are some awesome crap coming up you don't even know! Well you are about to know so I guess that last sentence don't make a lot of sense in the long run. Anyway...

1. If you listened to the podcast "The Lair of the Unwanted" (If not click over to the right, it's that big ass box...that's what she said) you should already know this but February around here is gonna be Blaxploitation Month!



Now, despite what I wrote date wise on that neat poster, I'm not doing a film a day or anything (Remember 30 Days of Horror 2? Yeah...) but it's more like it will be happening between those days. And as always, I welcome anyone to write up and send in and/or post and send me a link to a review, as long as it qualifies as blaxploitation. I'm presently working on the list on what I'll be watching, but it should be a good time for all. Honkeys!

2. The Idea Felicia Isn't Gonna Like-
Originally I planned on attending B-Fest this upcoming weekend. But the whole Tommy Wiseau thing happened and I decided to go to that instead. But I still got all these days off that I took for B-Fest so what's a guy to do? Well, I was remembering something my friend Adam said a few years ago about how he couldn't go to B-Fest and how he was gonna attempt to have his own B-Fest at home. I don't remember if he succeeded or not but I figured I'd give my own shot at it.

Yes, on Friday I'm gonna start watching some bad movies, all in a row. I'm working on that list too. Here's what I got so far, the list featuring movies I need to see in my collection, movies I already seen, and movies from my Netflix queue that are instant watch:

Ballistic: Ecks vs Sever
Blackenstein/The Black Godfather (Both for the upcoming podcast)
Death Bed
The Evolved
Zombie Death House (FINALLY)
Tooth Fairy (Not the The Rock one, another one that's on Netflix)
TerrorVision
Friday the 13th Part 5 (maybe)
GNFOS (Maybe)

So what's what I got going on in the future. Cause the future is where you and I are going to spend the rest of our days.
-Jason

Monday, January 25, 2010

The Bad Movie Ultimate Cage Match #8

AKA The Match That Almost WASN'T!

Since Travis won five weeks in a row, he and "Ballistic" had to retire. So now we got two different competetors, both who done it before. So here we go:

IN THIS CORNER is Mr. Bill Szany with:
THE CREEPS



The Creeps is possibly the worst and most depressingly disturbing piece of “cinema” you will ever feast your poor eyes on. You know Wolfman, Dracula, Mummy, and Frankie.. But do you recall the most famous monster of all? Oh, sorry. What I meant to say is that this H.P. Lovecraft classic features all the great movie (and book) monsters of our times, except for one tiny detail.. (And I do mean tiny) they are all midgets!! Not that there’s anything wrong with that. I love midgets as much as the next guy. I mean who hasn’t wanted a midget stripper to pull down their pants and tickle their.. Oh wait, never mind that.
Anyways, the movie starts out promising enough. It begins with some very corny moments that will make you giggle giving you the false impression that you are about to enjoy yourself, but booooy are you ever wrong!!!
It’s been years since I tried to force myself to watch this movie so my memory is a bit foggy. If I recall correctly someone takes all the original copies of the Frankenstein, Dracula, Wolfman, and Mummy novels and chants some type of weird thing and/or puts the books inside of something and then the monsters are supposed to appear. Something went wrong however during the spell, and that vital detail that was somehow overlooked or left out made the monsters turn out to be midgets rather than full grown monsters.
So these tiny monsters aka “The Creeps” at first seem pretty funny, especially Dracula,(whos played by a guy who was actually one of the Ewoks in Jehdi, and was in Ghoulies 2). Dracula makes some really cheesy comments in an extremely goofy accent, so it’s hard to not bust out laughing, up until the point when it gets really disturbing. I will not get in to all of that though. If you choose to watch it at your own risk you’ll find out what it is I mean, but I do not recommend this to anyone, because I’m not joking when I say it gets very disturbing as the movie goes on. Ok, I will say this much, he ties a girl up, tears her clothes and starts drooling all over her. In conclusion, the acting is awful, the speed of the movie is very slow, and once again it’s very disturbing but not in a good way at all. Like I said it has it’s unintentionally funny moments due to horrible dialogue and even worse acting, but you quickly forget the laughs once the disturbing moments come up and start to unsettle your stomach. In fact maybe this movie is the true source of my Ulcerative Colitis. Hmm.. I wonder?
Oh yeah, one more thing.. On the DVD there’s a special behind the scenes thing about what a great classic film of our times the movie is!! It’s really depressing because the actors and the director himself all seriously think they’ve made something breathtaking like Braveheart or Pulp Fiction.


AND IN THIS CORNER is Rachel from Rachel's Reel Reviews! And her pick:
I Know Who Killed Me!



It’s rather easy to make fun of Lindsey Lohan. She had a somewhat promising career after Mean Girls and tossed it all for booze and blow. So when she ventured back into the world of film, she didn’t do the smart thing like Robert Downey, Jr. and make a good movie people could actually enjoy. Instead she went for a ridiculous B-movie that can’t decide what the hell it wants to be, but it did go on to win the Razzie Award for Worst Film of 2008. That’s right, I’m talking about the loathsome I Know Who Killed Me.

First the film starts off as a Lynchian nightmare, dripping with symbolism and random shots, but quickly delves into the realm of torture-porn as perfect student/daughter Aubrey is kidnapped and, well, tortured. When she comes to on the side of the road, she goes by the name of Dakota, claiming to be a stripper who has no memories of the parents or school from Aubrey’s former life, nor ever being kidnapped and tortured. At this point, the movie tries to just play as a straight mystery/suspense/thriller, taking itself way too seriously. The whole of the film has a multiple personality disorder, like Aubrey/Dakota, but I doubt this crappy parallel was intentional.

Highlights of the film include LiLo playing a stripper that doesn’t take her clothes off on stage, LiLo trying to sew her severed middle finger back on with a sewing needle and thread and LiLo pretending to walk around with a fake leg and arm. And I have to mention the gratuitous sex scene between Dakota and Aubrey’s boyfriend who are loudly going at it, while Aubrey’s mother is downstairs ferociously cleaning the kitchen trying to ignore the sounds from her daughter’s bedroom. It’s comedy gold.

The real zinger here is that the title of film is absolutely pointless because NO ONE GETS KILLED! That’s right: the title is a lie, but to make it even worse, it’s also used as a line in the film by Dakota, when she clearly knows she’s not dead.

So congratulations to Ms. Lohan. The most you’ve accomplished since rehab is this film and being Samantha Ronson’s crazy ex.


Alright, you should know what to do by now. This is a good one, honestly. Can't wait to see who wins.

Please, please, please please please please please someone send in a movie for next week? Please?

I hate begging.
-Jason

Sunday, January 24, 2010

We're Not Gonna Take THIS Movie!

My new pal and fellow co-host of "The Lair of the Unwanted" Nolahn is hosting what's called a "B-Movie Meatloaf" where every other month a bunch of b-movie guys watch movies with a theme in mind. For February's edition, the theme was "torture porn". And I easily could've went with "Saw" or any of the "Hostel" films, but I decided to go old school on yo' asses. That's right, I'm talking about Dee Snider's "Strangeland"!



This movie was made in 1998, before this type of horror movie was giving the stupid named "torture porn". I don't have any hard evidence to back this up but I get a feeling Dee Snider heard Rob Zombie was making a horror film and he went "Hey I TOO was in a rock band! I should make my own horror movie!" The cage match between "Strangeland" and "House of 1000 Corpses" could be an interesting match.

As I stated, this movie was made in 1998 and we start off then, with two teenage girls on this new fangled thing called "the internet". Genevieve is teaching her pal Tiana how to work a chatroom. The first five minutes possibly was secretly directed by someone at AOL, cause it plays out like some type of tutorial.



And since this is 1998, no one was aware how creepy the internet could be. Genevieve actually believes she's talking to a hunky 18-24 year old boy from her town. Be kinda funny if it was actually Chris Hansen. Anyway, Genevieve starts talking to a boy named CaptHowdy. Howdy invites Genevieve to his house for a party.

The next day, her parents Detective Mike Gage and Toni notice she's missing. A phone call from Tiana's parents confirm that she's not at her house. In other words she's missing. We get a slight humorous scene with Mike not knowing how to work these damn computers. The most techical Mike gets is a typewriter and some white out.

So Mike goes on a hunt for Genevieve and in between these scenes we go to Howdy's house, which is more or less a dark dungeon full of chained teenagers, all naked, and have their mouths sewn shut. And some of them have metal hooks sticking into them.

The first 30 minutes or so we don't see Dee Snider's character, even though we know it's him. They kinda wanted to go with a big reveal during a key scene I guess. But it's Dee Snider. We all know what he looks like. Kinda don't get it, but whatever.

Mike finds Tiana's car in a pond with her body in the trunk. Also in the trunk is some hardcore nose ring. Thanks to the tow truck operator that's also into piercings (Is his towing company called the Deux Ex Machina Towing Company?) he explains who wears them and why.

So Mike starts looking through weirdo clubs full of people in leather masks and hanging from the ceiling and such. Eventually, Mike learns that Genevieve went on the internet the night she vanished and through ANOTHER Plot Device called "a computer hacker", learned that the person she talked to was CaptHowdy.

Since Mike doesn't know how to work computers, he calls his neice in and, hey she's played by a super young Amy Smart. She wasn't too SMART to take this movie. HA! I kill me. Anyway, Amy gives another five minute tutorial on how to work this internet thing and they find CaptHowdy.



Mike is now channeling Chris Hansen and pretends to be a teenage girl and tricks Howdy to tell him his address. Armed with this knowledge, he head to the address and break into the house to find....two 90 year old people humping. Thanks Dee Snider.

So Howdy gave them the wrong address cause he knew it was really a cop. Thanks to Howdy getting a cocky, he sends a voice message to Mike, which he uses to figure out which house he's really at. Mike gets into the house and finds all the teenagers dumb enough to go to a strangers house all strung up and shit. He eventually finds Genevieve, but CaptHowdy is also there!

This fight is short and sweet. Mike sucker punches him and manages to get cuffs on him. This is when the big reveal on Howdy occurs. So CaptHowdy is captured and through a montage of newspapers we discover that he was deemed too crazy for trial and was found not guilty by reasons of insanity. He was sent to a asylum and now it is four years later.



CaptHowdy's real name turns out to be Carleton Hendricks and now he roams the halls of the aslyum in a buttoned up shirt and an old man sweater. He reads H.G Wells and covers his tattoos with makeup. He's now being released. Apparently if you are a crazy serial killer/piercer/kidnaper, they don't take your house away. He returns to his house, which has been vandalized. Outside his house a mob is waiting. Carl's lawyer appears and makes the statement that Carl wants to be left alone. A group of people are angry about this and one of these people is holy shit Robert Englund. The hell? I guess the Freddy money was running out.


Get it? GET IT!!!!

Later that night, Freddy (no, not his real name in the movie but would've been funny and/or stupid) is at home and is pissed about Carl being out so he gets a lynch mob together and breaks into Carl's home and drags him out. Outside is Mike, "watching the house" but he just lets Freddy take Carl to get hung.

And yes, they are gonna hang him. It appears he has finally died but due to a rainstorm, it takes out the branch he was hanging on and he falls down. After 10 seconds, he wakes up and it's now the return of CaptHowdy!

For whatever reason, we see the sun come up, the afternoon come and go, and it's now the next evening. Time filler, anyone? And thanks to Dee Snider again, we get to see Robert Englund in some kind of thong, watching what's probably a snuff film. He's about to get it on with his lady when Howdy breaks in and kills her and takes him back to his house.



There, Carl Howdy has all the people of the lynch mob in some sort of sadochistic device that looks like stuff out of "Hellraiser". Howdy contacts Mike through the internet to let him know he's back. For those keeping track, this is literally two days after being relased cause he was "cured". Thanks, doctors!

A phone call from Toni reveals that Genevieve is nowhere to be found. Both parents rush home to find a webcam set up. Again, to those keeping up, it's four years later so now it's 2002. The only technological advance was the use of webcams. Way to look into the future, Dee.

Through webcam, Mike and Toni see Howdy piercing Genevieve and Howdy tells Mike this is his fault for not stopping Freddy's Posse (band name potental). So now Mike is after Howdy but he strikes out.

I swear I was watching the movie and I don't know how this happened but two random cops just randomly find Howdy's new hideout and all the posse in tortue devices. Including Genevieve. I think Dee Snider thought at this point movie writing is hard and just had them show up for no reason.

Mike finds a clue on where Howdy is at and it's the old weirdo club from earlier in the movie, which is now shut down. I guess Howdy owned it or something. Explains how he can afford all this weird equipment. Mike goes to the club, which looks like a church, and confronts him once and for all. A longer fight ensues but it's really more like Howdy beating the shit out of Mike.

Mike is about to be put on some hooks when he does a smart thing for once and pulls out Howdy's giant ass nose ring. This gives Mike a chance to throw Howdy on the hooks and have him swing back and forth. Then for his final act of revenge, he throws some sort of lighter fluid on him and lights Howdy on fire. I think I get why now horror movies have fast edits and jerky cameras. If it focuses too long on something, you can easily tell it's fake.



So Howdy is burnt to a crisp and Genevieve is gonna turn into an Amish lesbian. Way to go! Thanks INTERNET!

This movie is just dumb and obviously actual porn for people who like to mutilate themselves. I don't really know if Dee Snider does any of that, but I have my doubts. Everything was horrible. There's a scene where Mike is typing a message to Howdy and you clearly see him type "Call me Gage" but when they show the screen, it says he typed "Call me detective". The acting was horrible. And the writing was terrible. Here are some lines Dee Snider wrote for HIMSELF:
We must all go through a rite of passage, and it must be physical, it must be painful, and it must leave a mark.

Want to play ball scarecrow?

Pain is a uniquely personal expirence

So much flesh...so little time


Stupidly enough, there's a sequel "in production" with Snider reprising his CaptHowdy role. What's he gonna do, stalk people through Facebook? Send them a virus? Just stop, Dee. Seriously.

-Jason

The Room Fever

Is it possible for a good actor to pretend to be a bad actor and re-enact a bad movie? Quite a dillema huh?



-Jason

Friday, January 22, 2010

The Bad Movie Ultimate Cage Match #7 Winner



I know it says an hour left but I'm calling it. Poor Wings and "Land of the Lost" is lying in the corner, crying all bloody and bruised. But now I have to do this:

Travis and Ballistic, for the fifth week in a row, is the winner. As a result, I am forced to retire Ballistic and it cannot participate in the cage match, until I think up of a tournament of champions later on. Travis, however, CAN participate with a different movie but he has to wait at least a week before doing so.

I think we're gonna have to test Ballistic for steroid use. There'll be a huge congress hearing, where other bad movies like "Battlefield Earth" will go up and defend Ballistic. So for now, Ballistic is asterik free.

Monday starts a new game with two new competetors. One person will be returning with a new movie but the other will be brand new to this. Lets wish them luck.

And hey you! Yes you! You been reading this. You been voting. Why haven't you participated? It's easy! Dammit! Do it! Do it! Do it!!

You know you want to.
-Jason

Wednesday, January 20, 2010

Is Kreativ Like A MoFo!

I hardly win anything, hence when I won the LAMMY award last year I was estatic, cause I don't do anything worth winning. I'm a typical slob of a dope who watches horrible movies, on purpose, and make boob jokes about them. I'm like the Artie Lange of bloggers.

So imagine my surprise when I'm going through my blogroll and Mr. LAMB Master himself Fletch gave me an award! AND it's not an award he made up! It's some award someone else made up and that someone sent it to seven people and they sent it to seven people and they sent it to seven people and so on and so on and so on...

So I get this:


And I get to thank Fletch for thinking of me when picking his winners. Of course, being the chosen one means you gotta do a shitload of stuff such as:

1. Thank the person who nominated you for this award.
2. Copy the logo and place it on your blog.
3. Link to the person who nominated you for this award.
4. Name 7 things about yourself that people might find interesting.
5. Nominate 7 Kreativ Bloggers.
6. Post links to the 7 blogs you nominate.
7. Leave a comment on each of the blogs letting them know they have been nominated

Argh, aren't I suppose to recieve stuff when I win something like money or an ipod or pictures of Scarlett Johannson's boobs? Whatever. Here goes, in order:

1. Thank you very much Fletch for nominating me. You didn't have to but I am glad you did. Whenever it seems like no one reads my stuff, you come out of nowhere and say "Hey I read that" and makes me feel better. So thank you.
2. Logo is up above.
3. Here is where you can find Fletch. And for the hell of it, the LAMB, which he also runs.
4. This is gonna be hard. I'm hardly interesting but here goes in Dash Format:
-I presently own 234 DVD's. 19 of those are TV Show sets.
-To show you how much of an impact I made in school, when it came time to nominate people for the year book, I was nominated "Most Original" then later "Most Likely To Do Something Later In Life".
-I presently own every episode of MST3k.
-My fiance Felicia plays roller derby. I know it's not about me directly but I think it's pretty interesting.
-I don't know how to explain this without sounding full of myself but I can't help but notice that anyone that gives me major trouble, they end up having something really bad happen to them. Like last month, this girl made a false claim to the management that I did something to her (not sexual) and about a week later she got fired for something unrelated. Stuff like that has happened to me my entire life. I guess it's karma? I dunno.
-I've never won a game of Monopoly. I really suck with money apparently.
-My favorite number is 42. Yes for that reason.
5. Again in Dash Format
-Final Girl, although I'm sure she got nominated a billion times.
-1416 and Counting
-Bloggin' Review Revue, the blog version of Bargin Bin Review
-Rachel's Reel Reviews
-The GreatWhiteDope's Mecha-Blog-Zilla
-Plus Trailers
-Lazy Eye Theater
6. Read above
7. Well, I got a busy night ahead of me. Someone put on some coffee!!
-Jason

PS: If I didn't nominate you, it's not cause I don't think you deserve it, I just went with the first 7 I could think of. If it was top 10 or even 20 I would've added more. I kinda felt bad I only had to do 7. Oh well. You guys know I love ya!

New Review: KISS Meets The Phantom of the Park


First review of the new decade!!

Click HERE to read the review!

KISS Fans Unite!
-Jason

Monday, January 18, 2010

Oh Hi Jason! *

To those of you that heard the podcast me and Nolahn did last week (Thank you), you know that I said I MIGHT be going to B-Fest later this month. I was thinking about it cause when everything was finally said and done and I paid for everything, it would've costed roughly a million dollars. I don't really have that kind of money and I was seriously thinking about not going.

Then the day after we recorded the podcast, my fiancee Felicia texts me with the following infomation:

TOMMY WISEAU IS GOING TO BE SHOWING THE ROOM AT THE MUSIC BOX IN CHICAGO!

I replied back:
FUCK YES I'M THERE!!!

And doing this is way cheaper than going to B-Fest (only 500 thousand!) and this time Felicia is more than willing to come. AND I get to meet the modern Ed Wood? Hells yes. I SOOO can't wait.

To those interested, it's Friday Feb 12th at The Music Box in Chicago. There's two screenings, an 8 PM and a 11:30 PM. We will be going to the 8 PM screening (I'm getting old and I need an early bedtime) and I will be taking my DVD in HOPES that I'll get to meet the man, the myth, the legend that is Tommy Wiseau. I hope I can get a tape recorder by then.
-Jason

*It'd be awesome if I can get him to say this to me at least once. Or get one "HAHAHAHA!" out of him.

The Bad Movie Ultimate Cage Match #7

This feature is only 7 weeks old yet, the last four weeks have been the most exciting thing we've seen yet. It's kinda crazy really. I've never seen SOOOOOO many people hate one just ONE movie. Sadly, no matter what the outcome is, this is the last week "Ballistic" can participate. So with that said, here is this week's challenger!

IN THIS CORNER! Wings from Caffeinated Joe! And his take on:

Land of the Lost!




Ugh. This movie was just bad. There are a few funny parts and I am sure you saw them in the trailer. Everything else is just blah and boring.

I am a fan of the original show. And I would have been a fan of a remake that was done well. This changed things that didn't need to be changed and tried to force humor in where it just did not work. Will Ferrel was great as Buddy the Elf, but since then, I have just not found the dude funny.

The sad thing is that the higher budget and the modern effects could have made a Land of the Lost flick that was both true to the original and awesome for today. Sadly, they went and blew the whole thing.

Don't rent it, don't buy it, just avoid it.


I know you guys are already familar with "Ballistic" so no introduction is needed.

On another note, I SERIOUSLY need people to keep this going. So if you been voting, you should think about joining. It's fun and who knows, you might go on to be a 5-week champion like Travis. Just shoot me an email (invasionofthebmovies at gmail dot com!)
-Jason

Saturday, January 16, 2010

A Call of Action To MTV

So the other day I had this thought:

"I haven't done a 'Date My Mom' episode in awhile. I should do one soon, at least tie it in for Valentine's Day or something."

I go looking through the DVD I have of episodes and don't really find one I'd like to do. I mean they're all terrible but nothing over the top terrible like the first one I did (blew my load too early). Then I had a thought of MAYBE MTV will put the episodes out on DVD. It's doubtful but MTV nowadays is all about the money and I'm sure they'd put these horrible dating shows on DVD just to earn a buck.

Sadly, I couldn't find anything anywhere about a DVD release. So then I went to MTV.com and thought I'd shoot someone over there an email about it. Maybe even be like "I DEMAND a DVD release of Date My Mom!" or something. After much searching, I found a soul-less contact form and figured hell with it.

And this is the exact letter I am sending:

Dear MTV:

This letter isn't about how much your channel currently sucks or complain about the lack of music and/or videos on your channel. I'm sure you hear that enough times, you probably get the point. Why you haven't done anything about this, is another issue.

I am writing to you today to ask, or beg, you to put "Date My Mom" on DVD. If there were any show that you have in your catalog (post-year 2000) that I'd love to have on DVD, it would be "Date My Mom". I mean you put "The Hills" out on DVD for crying out loud. "Date My Mom" is 2 million times better than "The Hills". Granted, both shows make me wanna punch everyone on screen, but at least I can laugh at the Mom's pimping out their daughters.

If you are wondering why I want this to happen, besides being a weirdo fan, I'll tell you. I run a b-movie site and one day while watching your show on TV I decided to do a review of one of your episodes. If you look back in your archives, it's the episode featuring Troy. He went on a date with giant man-woman Ida and her, um, "plump" daughter Alex.

At the end of this episode, the writers of this "reality show" thought it'd be funny to have Troy pick Ida and Alex. When Alex got out of the car, you played one of the funniest, and probably most offensive, song ever, something about "my butterball baby". The look on Troy's face was priceless.

Since reviewing that episode, people wanted more, so I did more. Before you ask or call your lawyers, I pay for my cable service and simply used a image grabber for any images. According to the Fair Use Law, this is perfectly legal, since I am criticizing a TV show and not saying anything like "I am Jason and I own this show" or nothing.

What I want is a DVD set of these shows to keep reviewing them because they are genuinely funny and my readers enjoy me talking about them. I will gladly pay whatever for a DVD set, even though looking at your online DVD store I see you charge $28.95 for "Harold and Kumar Escape Guantanamo Bay" even though people can get that movie for five bucks at Target.

But I digress. This is what I would like. Even if the answer is no. I figured I'd at least give it a shot. It's not too much to ask I don't think. Hell, I know you'll be putting "Jersey Shore" out on DVD in the future, so why not "Date My Mom"? Hell put it in a box set with "Next" or that one show about celebrity stalkers trying to find a guy or girl that looks like their celebrity crush. I forget the name. I'll take anything at this point.

Thank you very much for reading my letter.
-Jason Soto

PS: You might think this letter is a joke but I am deadly serious. I seriously do want "Date My Mom" on DVD. I really do. Oh and the description to "Harold and Kumar Go To Guantanamo Bay" is wrong. You have the description to "Harold and Kumar Go To White Castle" up. Should probably change that.


So some things you probably noticed:
1. I didn't tell them the name of the site. I figured if they REALLY wanna know they can go to Google, but since they don't have email, they probably don't know how to Google. But also, even though I SHOULD be covered under Fair Use, I can see a giant mega corporation having some problem in a dumbass from Indiana taking images and putting it on their site. So hopefully no lawsuits will happen.
2. I didn't put in the site/blog email address. I gave them my personal email address. Just cause.
3. I am sorta making fun of them to their face, even though I am actually asking them for a favor. I figured I'd see if they have a sense of humor. I'm sure they do, since they have a show called "Silent Library" which is about people being tortured in a library.

If you want to send them a similar letter, feel free. I'm not making you. But maybe if more than one crazy person tells them they want this out on DVD, or at least have them send me the set, maybe we'll get somewhere. Until then...
-Jason

Friday, January 15, 2010

The Bad Movie Ultimate Cage Match #6 Winner



Here's a play by play on how it went down all week.

Rock N Roll Frankenstein was in the lead by one
Ballistic was in the lead by one
Rock N Roll Frankenstein was winning
Ballistic had only a few votes
BOTH WERE TIED
Ballistic was ahead by one

Then somewhere around Wednesday Ballistic JUMPED all friggin crazy. And now, for a fourth week in a row, Travis and Ballistic is the winner.

As a reminder, next week is Travis' last week to go, even if he wins. I got next week and the week after that planned out but I still need people to keep this going. Don't be the killer of this awesome new feature. Send one in today!
-Jason

Wednesday, January 13, 2010

The Lair of the Unwanted Episode 1

If you're reading this on the blog itself, you most likely noticed it by now. It's kinda hard not to see it. But I'll pretend you're all surprised!

THE PODCAST IS UP!! THE PODCAST IS UP!!! YAY!!!!!

The first episode is finally done after years (days) of working on it. Here's things you need to know before going into it:
1. The sound quality isn't that great. I realize that. The next one should be a bit better.
2. I talk way too much.
3. I forgot to include email addresses. Since everyone reading this are friends, you all know how to get ahold of me. But I will include our email's in the next one.
4. We are two awesome dudes.

With that said here's what Episode 1 has in store for you:
In the debut episode, hosts Jason Soto (Invasion of the B Movies) and Nolahn (Bargin Bin Reviews) talk a bit about themselves and their respective sites. Then a quick rundown of the AV Club's Top 15 Best Worst Movies of the Decade. And finally, the main event, Jason and Nolahn discuss their personal Top 5 Worst Movies of the "Oh's".

For those of you reading this through Facebook here's the link:
http://invasionofthebmovies.podomatic.com/entry/2010-01-13T07_29_41-08_00

Anyway, input greases the wheels so tell us if we rock or if we suck! Thanks for listening!
-Jason

Monday, January 11, 2010

The Bad Movie Ultimate Cage Match #6

Can Travis last for the FOURTH week in a row? Let's find out!

IN THIS CORNER, the challenger, Nolahn from Bargin Bin Reviews! And his choice:

"First, some perspective: When I say the Bargain Bin Review takes on “the movies no one else will touch,” the movies I’m talking about are the obviously bad direct-to-rental feature films used to help fill the shelves of your local video store. In other words, while we’ve all seen bad movies, I watch them on purpose.

So I know bad movies. Ballistic: Ecks vs. Sever is unquestionably a bad movie -- we’re all on the same page here. Ballistic is messy, flatly acted, and worst of all for an action flick, unexciting.

But respectfully, my entrant into the Cage Match is on a whole different level of bad. It is an ugly film.

My entrant is a messy, incompetent, unexciting film made all the uglier by the fact that it is allegedly a comedy. Think “Battlefield Earth trying to be funny in horrific, aggressively unfunny ways,” and you’ll be in the right ballpark.

For your consideration, I give you Rock & Roll Frankenstein.



Yes, that’s Frankenstein dressed as Elvis. Looks like fun, right? Just wait.

Years before I launched the Bargain Bin Review, I tested the waters with a blog called the Bargain Basement Review. Such was my enthusiasm and love for all things so-bad-they’re-good, I actually rated each film on three separate criteria: Cheesiness, Incoherence and Gratuitous Nudity. And it was good. Until I watched this movie.

Here was a film that scored well in my three criteria, yet managed to be the most horrible, joyless movie-viewing experience I've ever had. I felt violated. Not only did this film single-handedly derail my blog, but it took me over a year just to muster the nerve to try again.

So you’ll have to forgive me if I now skip over all the standard elements of a movie review and go straight for the hate letter.

To the creators of Rock & Roll Frankenstein:

I fucking hate you. No, REALLY -- this isn’t some kind of faux-angry rant, I would physically beat you to mush, using a 2x4 with a nail in it, for subjecting unsuspecting world to your “film.”

It’s sad, because you had a great premise: Lazy music producer enlists his pre-med nephew to build a Frankenstein creature from the body parts of famous dead musicians. “Frankenstein Elvis” is a pretty sweet elevator pitch, yet you managed to do unspeakable things to it.

Apparently you weren’t content to settle for bad dialogue, porn-quality acting or sluggish pacing -- you had to make the movie physically painful to watch. I have to wonder, did you aspire to be the next Troma Entertainment? Because you failed. Lloyd Kaufman is f’n Orson Welles compared to you douchebags.

For future reference, the following items -- all played for laughs multiple times in this film -- are not funny:

* Anal rape (and no, I don’t care how big of a prop you use);
* Being gay (Guess what? Over the last 30 years, the rest of us sorted out that gay men are not all lisping serial rapists.);
* Liberace’s penis;
* Talking penises;
* Watching someone argue with their talking penis;
* Watching someone masturbate to pictures of cadavers;
* Piles of dead hamsters encased in condoms, having been killed by being shoved up a character’s ass.

In short, this film is practically an argument for your abortion. You owe me those 88 minutes of my life. I sincerely hope you never make another movie again."

Whoa. Well. Since this is the fourth week it's probably a bit repetitious to post what Travis said about "Ballistic: Ecks vs Sever" So without any hesitation, let's get this cage match going! Good luck to both parties!
-Jason

Saturday, January 09, 2010

Jason (And Later Mary) Get B.T.K'd!!: BTK Killer

Due to personal family issues, Mary isn't able to provide hilarious commentary and all the things this movie got wrong about the B.T.K Killer, so I'll just be posting the review and when she feels up to it, I'll make an updated post with her comments on it. And for whatever reason, when I watched the DVD, the captions were on with no way of turning them off. I dunno what that was about, I guess they think deaf people would love this movie. Anyway, here's "BTK Killer".

Onto Part Two of our look into the movies of the B.T.K Killer, called oddly enough, "BTK Killer". (No periods, which is ironic considering this movie spends roughly five minutes making a point to say "B Period T Period K Period".) Looking at the two that I had left, I saw they were both made in 2005. I forget when the Kane Hodder one was made, so I guess 2005 was the year of BTK.

The movie opens with a naked chick tied up and she has a plastic bag over her head, but two eye holes. There's a naked dude off in the distance doing something. Soon, the naked dude starts rubbing the head of a slaughtered pig across the chick's body, including her va-jay-jay, while we get a delightful shot of her peeing. This entire shot is filmed artsy, which means it changes angles and even the screen gets turned upside down.

Turns out this is a nightmare news reporter Laci is having. She's been reporting on the BTK killer and is scared she's gonna be next. It's here that the production values on this movie is revealed. Whenever I watch a movie shot poorly, I have to think of a way to describe it and I always come back to the same description: Public Access Style. I'm pretty sure people in Wichita Kansas wanted to make a BTK movie and teamed up with their cable access to do so. That's the only explanation for EVERYTHING that happens.

Laci is tired of reporting on the BTK but her boss Jack makes her, so she does. Watching her news report is one Dennis L. Rader and his wife, who is nameless in this movie. Fuck if I remember what her name was in the last movie. Anyway, Wifey is all like "Oh no, BTK is back!" And Dennis stood up and said "Dr. Dre, mutherfucka!!!!" Obscure reference FTW!

Then the movie flashbacks to the '70's when the first set of BTK killings occurred. We get a young Dennis in his home with Nameless wife and his two sons Dennis Jr and Darren. Dennis Sr is showing the boys a basket of rats and starts talking about how rats are cool. This scene goes on for awhile for no real reason.



Then we focus on the first killing this movie decides to show us. During one of many irritating voice overs, Dennis mentions he killed seven women and how many will it take before it becomes national news? That's a good point, you'd think seven women being killed by a serial killer would've been national news by now. But whatever.

So we meet Nancy, some chick in bed. Dennis simply breaks a window and through the magic of editing he's standing by her bed. He ties her up and asks for the car keys. When he looks at the spot Nancy said, he doesn't find them and pulls out the wicker basket of rats and tells Nancy how cool they are.



During this scene, we get non-stop footage from a slaughter house. Actually the footage runs behind this scene so we're watching two things happening. And this happened during EVERY FUCKING MURDER SCENE. I'm guessing the people that made this were members of PETA and/or were vegetarians.

And Dennis goes on and on about slaughter houses and asks Nancy if she been to one. Then he plays with the rat some more and more or less waves it in front of her. Then he stuffs the rat into her mouth. Hey, isn't this how mob bosses kill informants? Well, I guess the waving of the rat is the "torture" part and now she's "killed". Kinda.

We then get a small glimpse into his life with him at a church in "present day" and this is the shittiest church I've ever seen. It's pretty much someones living room. Then it goes back to the '70's and we're in the same living room church and Dennis is giving crap to the minister about what passage of the Bible they're reading. Ok.



Our next victim is a psychiatrist named Dolores. Dennis stands outside her house/office/whatever and stares at her for ten minutes while he has a soliloquy about how he hates her cause she thinks she's so cool and her pale skin sucks. After what felt like for-fucking-ever, he simply walks in and plops down a slaughtered cow head on her table. Dolores looks at all of this as normal. I think she's been a psychiatrist for too long.




Dennis does the whole slaughter house thing with the same disturbing images shown underneath this footage. I think this movie is trying to get me to be a vegetarian or some shit. Fuck and I was gonna have steak for dinner tonight. Anyway, after some talk about slaughter houses and about Dolores' family, and that Dolores is Latin for "Pain", he chokes her. Then he simply walks out.

So this movie review is only 12 paragraphs in and I covered about 45 minutes of this movie. The entire movie is about an hour and 15 minutes. This should tell you something.

There's a quick scene at Young Dennis' house and some lady is over for dinner. Dennis makes Junior tells the lady about the history of the boy scouts and he does and WE HEAR THE ENTIRE FUCKING THING. I won't even tell you what it is, you'll thank me. Anyway the lady looks like she'd rather eat dinner with a meth addict than be here.

So our next victim is some chick named Miss Hatch, at least that's what he calls her. She looked really young and super hot. She was on the phone when Dennis is edited into her house. Dennis assumes the role of her boyfriend on the phone and hangs up. Then after tying her up, he amps up the randomness of things he waves in front of her.

First are scorpions. She squirms. Then a tarantula. She squirms. I gotta say, this is some shitty ass torturing. I know women are normally creeped out by these things but really? Is this really torture? Let's hope the "Saw" people don't see this movie. Saw 7 will have traps full of dead fish that need to be gutted.

So the final thing Dennis pulls out are, I shit you not, worms. Regular worms. This makes Miss Hatch freak out even more and he simply places them on her shoulder. And yes the slaughterhouse footage is still running over this. So finally he places the worms in her mouth and THIS FUCKING KILLS HER! Ugh...



There's some more scenes of Present Day Dennis mixed with Past Dennis both writing letters to the news. We get another scene with Laci having the nightmare again. It's a bunch of jumbled scenes. I hate this movie. Then we get to the funniest setting ever.



So the scene with the psychiatrist took place near a hallway that had a row of lockers and one of those Egyptian Tombs things. I dunno if that was suppose to be her house or office or what. This scene makes no fucking sense. It's CLEARLY a U-Store It kinda place. It's just a big open space with random crap all around. And this chick Vicki walks in.




By the way, this movie fucked up with the number of victims. They clearly say he killed seven people before Nancy. But here, Dennis says Vicki will be his tenth. Somebody can't count! Anyway, Vicki is in her U-Store It and Dennis arrives.

Slaughterhouse footage, check. But this time no animals. The only thing he got this time is raw meat. He shoves raw meat into her face, then forces it down her throat, which kills her. Now what kind of fucking torture is that? Seriously! So Vicki is dead and Dennis is gone. Some random dude holding carpet samples walks in and finds her. I don't fucking know.

So now we stay in the present and the title card says "March 2005 ONE FATAL MISTAKE!" What, this movie being made? Again in Dash Style I'll present what happens in this scene in the actual order that it happened. Ready?

-Priest is talking to dude about marital issues.
-Dennis comes in and asks if he can use the Priest's computer.
-Priest says ok.
-Cops show up at Priest's house/church and asks who has access to the "churches" computer. Priest says himself, some chick named Margaret, and of course Dennis.
-Laci reports that the police have arrested Dennis for being the BTK Killer.
-Mrs. BTK is upset.
-Dennis, in prison garb, is talking to Priest. Dennis insists he isn't the BTK killer and Priest believes him.
-Movie ends.

DDDDDuuuudduddhhhhhhdhhhdhhhhddhdhdhdd-

[It is at this point that Jason's brain officially broke. We are trying to reconstruct it now but it'll take some time. Thank you very much. -Jason's Doctor]

Friday, January 08, 2010

The Bad Movie Ultimate Cage Match #5 Winner!


I...don't know. I don't believe it. I mean it's "Transformers 2" for cryin' out loud. Michael Bay. Racial stereotype robots. Stupidity. A unneeded sequel. Michael Bay. I don't get it. I seriously don't get it. This just means I have to watch "Ballistic" one day. If this movie doesn't make me wanna kill myself, I'm gonna question all you guy's opinion.

Anyway, Travis and "Ballisitc" is the winner for a third week in a row. The rule I stated when I started this was a movie can go five weeks total before I step in and force it to be retired.

This whole thing is almost like the Hulk Hogan movie "No Hold's Barred". Travis and "Ballistic" is my Zeus and no one can step up to beat them. But out there someone is a Hulk "Rip" Hogan to do a "No Hold Barred" match in an octagon ring. DO YOU HAVE WHAT IT TAKES TO BEAT ZEUS??? Then step up! Submit a movie! DO IT!

Anyway, Travis will go again on Monday against someone and we'll see how that plays out.
-Jason

Tuesday, January 05, 2010

The Top Ten BEST B/Bad Movies of the Decade

Now that I got my WORST Bad Movies of the Decade out, let's focus on some of my favorites. These movies are still bad in some sense but I got some enjoyment out of them and would definately watch them over and over again. And away we go.

10. Tamara
The Reason: I should hate it but dammit I cannot. Merely for the scene of Tamara, a witch chick who returns from the dead a hot chick, decides to get revenge on two guys BY HAVING THEM FUCK EACH OTHER! Name another movie where THAT happens. (Besides gay porn obviously)
9. Evil Bong
The Reason: It's called "Evil Bong"! It's about a living bong trapping pot heads and the only person to save them: Fuckin' Tommy Chong!
8. Lost Skeleton of Cadavra
The Reason: A lot of people don't like this movie and I'll admit some parts annoy me, but overall this is a fun movie with it's throwback to 1950's sci fi films. The dialouge is great and the dinner scene is the funniest thing I've seen in awhile.
7. The Gingerdead Man
The Reason: Again, it's called "The GingerDEAD Man". They cast Gary Busey to VOICE a Gingerbread Man coming to life and killing people using cooking ingredients. And let's not forget the one liners.
6. Ginger Snaps
The Reason: I was suprirsed by this movie. I'll admit I like it cause it features a hot chick and the plot is the day she gets her first period she turns into a werewolf and starts eating students and teachers.
5. Slither
The Reason: When I first saw it I wasn't impressed, but upon repeated viewings, I love it more. Everything from the main guy's attitude to Michael Rooker being a complete asshole just works.
4. Santa's Slay
The Reason: Oh god this movie is fuckin' fun as hell. You have to watch this in a group and it don't even have to be Christmas.
3. Feast
The Reason: Another fun movie. It takes the horror genre and spins it on it's head. The best part has to be the title cards for each character. And the cast including Henry Rollins, Jason Mewes (Playing himself), and that Judah guy from "30 Rock".
2. Snakes on a Plane
The Reason: If you been following me and this Blog/Site since the beginning you know I was all over this fucking movie. Sam Jackson. Snakes. Plane. That line. That line edited for TV. Seriously, what's not to fuckin' love?
1. The Room
The Reason: Yes this movie is awful in a bad way but how many HORRIBLE movies can you think of that you want as many people as you can think of to see it? This is probably what it was like to be around when "Plan 9 From Outer Space" came out. I'm dead serious when I say you NEED to see this movie.

Ok, I'm all listed out. I could do another list of my favorite movies I watched in the past decade but that's probably going to far. Got neat stuff coming up for 2010, including the podcast, more guest reviews, and yes even regular reviews.
-Jason

Monday, January 04, 2010

The Bad Movie Ultimate Cage Match #5

I'll be honest. For the fifth round I had to finagle my way to getting a challenger. It totally worked and now we have a contender to go up against the champ. So let's get to it, shall we?

IN THIS CORNER! Mass Invader Maria and her pick:

Transformers 2: The Revenge of the Sith or Something!



In Q&A format, here's why Maria hates this movie:
Jason: you seen transformers 2?
Maria: with rifftrax
Maria: and that didn't help any
Jason: ok cool
Jason: and now WHY do you think it's the second worst movie you ever seen?
Maria: uuuuuuuh because it sucks the second most
Jason: why do you hate it?
Maria: it made my eyes bleed
Jason: was it the acting?
Maria: there was acting?
Jason: the action?
Maria: i'll now recreate a scene from transformers 2
Maria: gogogogogogogogogogo boom bang kablamoo gogogoggooog gogoo megan fox's cleavage bang boom kablamoo
Jason: was there racial STEREOTYPE robots? there were suppose to be two robots that do a horrible stereotype of black people
Maria: they were method man and redman
Maria: that's how the really are so it's ok
Maria: they were playing themselves
Maria: so I'm ok with it
Jason: in robot forms?
Maria: yeah
Jason: hm i see
Jason: was it super long?
Maria: yeah like 17 hours
Jason: and finally would you recommend this movie, even as a bad movie?
Maria: i would recommend that you don't see this movie unless you hate yourself

Alright! Sounds good (well sounds bad but you know what I mean)! And now THE CHAMPION, going for his third week in a row it's Travis with:

Ballistic: Ecks vs. Sever



"As a movie lover and someone who claims that "if no one else will see it, I will," I see my good share of really bad movies. I think that's why it was so hard for me to think of the worst movie that I have ever seen. I mean there are plenty of horrible B-Movies that I could have chosen from like Plan 9 From Outer Space or The Room but those, like Dylan said, are way too easy choices. Everyone knows how bad those two movies are and in fact they are so bad that I actually like them. I could have also chosen from any of the other B Movies that I have watched but most of them have already gotten the MST3K treatment and I think that's enough for them. I was half tempted to put Joel Schumacher's Batman and Robin but...I actually kind of like it. Even though Arnold is a horrible Mr. Freeze, the Bat Nipples are distracting and there is even a BAT CREDIT CARD (AHH!! Sorry bad flashbacks), it kinda grew on me as an Adam West-esque cheesiness.

But there is ONE movie I can never forgive. One movie that makes me cringe just saying the name. Hopefully nobody has sat through this horrific mess but it must be said-Ballistic:Ecks vs Sever is the worst movie I have ever seen and probably the worst movie of all time. I mean the directors name is Kaos...which is what this movie is!

Ballistic:Ecks vs Sever should have been at least a decent movie. Antonio Banderas, as much as he butches the English language in this film by passing off as a red blooded American, is a decent enough actor and has done some good action movies (The Zorro series, Desperado) and Lucy Liu has too (Kill Bill, Charlie's Angels) but for some reason they can't even get action right. An action movie can either be one of two things: it can be a mindless shoot em up that is made awesome by its use of 1.special effects 2.over the top action sequences 3.amazing soundtrack 4.cheesy but awesome lines...OR an action movie can be a plot driven experience that is made better by the use of extensive action sequences with huge explosions. Films like Shoot em Up, Die Hard and even Terminator fill both of those kinds of action movie roles and they are all good movies.

But when a movie gets in trouble usually is when it tries to mix both together to make it "better." Well Ecks vs Sever doesn't do that. All the action sequences are really boring. I mean Alone in the Dark and House of the Dead had better action sequences than this, and Uwe Boll is considered one of the worst directors of all time! I mean at least with Boll it had a lot of slow motion and gore. This is just gun fight, gun fight, explosion, gun fight rinse and repeat over and over. You now your film is bad when Uwe Boll looks legitamite as a director compared to your film.

The story (I should put that in quotes) is your typical "we need an excuse to blow up stuff" plot with a kidnapping of a politicians son. Instead of just going with that though they had to put in a conspiracy theory involving Ecks (Banderas)' family being killed, which is only used to make us pity the character. Honestly everyone in this film is so morally corrupt and/or stupid that you really DON'T care about any of them. The title is also totally bogus since Ecks and Sever (Liu) WORK TOGETHER FOR MOST OF THE FILM. There really is no vs...I also got to mention the numerous amounts of plot holes, continuity errors and just one TOTALLY bogus plotline involving the FBI. Alright let me just say something...a lot of films are shot in Canada and they are made to look American. Well when you see street signs, monuments, and building signs saying that its VANCOUVER then bringing the FBI in to investigate just makes the film look dumber than it already is.

A weak plot, boring action, laughable acting and a total lack of effort from Kaos, the director, makes this in my opinion the worst movie ever made. This should be buried with all the copies of the ET game."


Ok you know what to do, which is the worst movie? And if you haven't seen neither or both, just vote on which SOUNDS worse. Does Maria have what it takes to dethrone a champion or will Travis reign for another week? We shall find out!
-Jason

Jason Is "Lost"


I woke up and was looking up at some sky. The weather was warm and I can hear ocean nearby. I sat up and looked around. I was in some jungle. I hear rustling. I turned and looked and saw, well not to sound mean or anything but he was a fat guy. And kinda hairy.

"Dude" was all he said.
"Uh...where am I?"
"I wish, uh, I could answer that. But...I don't know."
"Oh. Well, how did I get here?"
"Were you on an airplane?"
"No I was at home, writing the Top 40 movies I hated in the past decade."
"Dude, it's 2005. You should've done that in 1999."
"Um, it's for a post in 2010."
"Dude, you from the future?"
"...I guess. Listen I need to get back. After my post I was suppose to meet with some guy named "Nolahn" about an idea I had."
"Did you say "Nolahn"?"
"Yes."
"Dude, he's here. He's over...there."

And that's when "Dude" Dude pointed to a small wooden shack.

"He's there?"
"Yeah dude, do I stutter? Now go, he's probably waiting or something. I don't know. Stupid island."

And that's when the fat hairy "dude" dude walked away. I stood up and headed towards the shack. I opened the door and inside was a brightly lit room. Sitting on the floor was a man who looked like Elvis wearing pink bunny ears.

"Are you the one they call Jason Soto?" Bunny Elvis asked.
"Yes. Are you..Nolahn?"
"I am. Have a seat."

I sat across him on the floor.

"You wanted to meet me?"
"Yeah. I have a cool idea and I wanna know if you wanna help me out with me."
"Proceed."

I went on to explain that I been reading his site since he joined the mysterious secret society called The LAMB and I liked what he had to say and that he and I think alike. After talking for a bit, I found we had a lot more in common. Nohlan sat there, nodding his head, which made the pink ears flop back and forth. I was waiting for them to fall off his head honestly.

"What are you trying to say?" Nolahn said, impatiently. I have been talking for two hours.
"I want to do a podcast. And I need someone who knows a lot about watching bad movies AND someone who appears to be on their computer a lot. I want to know if you'd help me do my podcast."

Nolahn thought deeply.

"Well...I was suppose to help dismantle some bomb. But...a podcast sounds like fun. Let's do it!"

So I am proud to announce that coming later this month will be the first episode of "The Lair of the Unwanted", a podcast featuring me and Nolahn of "Bargin Bin Review". We already got a few episodes planned and hopefully recording will happen next week. I will post the episode up here when it is finished. I hope you guys enjoy it.

Now there was the problem of getting back home.

"I gotta finish my top five."
"Save it."
"But-"
"Save. It."

I nodded. I knew where he was going with this.

"But how do I get back?" I asked.
"See this big wheel behind me? Turn it clockwise 108 times. On the 108th time, you will arrive back at civilation. It's just a matter of finding your way back to Indiana. I must go now. Jacob is calling me."
"Who's Jacob?"
"Indeed. Be well my friend."

Nolahn left and I sighed, turning the wheel 108 times. Sure enough on the 108th time, a white light washed over me and soon I found myself...in the desert. Dammit. Oh well. Glad we're not doing the podcast for another week.
-Jason

Friday, January 01, 2010

The Bad Movie Ultimate Cage Match #4 Winner!!



And so the winner, and still champion for a second week in a row is Travis with
"Ballistic: Ecks vs Sever"! I actually can't believe this movie is this bad. "The Dark Backward" actually sounds worse but hey it's what you, the people, picked.

HOPEFULLY someone will step up and submit a movie for Monday's challenge. If not, there won't be one. So if you like this feature, then get to it!
-Jason