Monday, June 28, 2010

The Challenge: Flight of the Living Dead

After Nolahn challeneged me last month to the brain melting film "Wiseguys vs Zombies" (Apparently a new favorite among readers!), he decided to take it easy on me and give me the awesomely titled "Flight of the Living Dead". The fact that both movies feature zombies is a coincidence, I'm sure.

If you been around these parts since 2005, congratulations! And you also know of my love for "Snakes on a Plane". I fuckin' loved Snakes on a Plane! Just everything about it. So it doesn't come to a surprise that other movie studios would try to ge ton this bandwagon and do their own "something on a plane" formula. The Asylum already gave us "Snakes on a Train" but this needs to be on a plane cause really, you COULD stop a train and just simply get off. But a plane? Fuck that, you're screwed. I guess the only other better thing would be on a ship in the middle of the ocean.


So here we pretty much have "zombies on a plane", which would've made for a cool alternate title. And the plot pretty much starts right up at the beginning. Three scientist dudes are transporting the body of a fourth scientist chick who's either dead and/or dying and she's the carrier of some experimental medicine or something that'll bring the living back from the dead.

I could stop right there cause you can pretty much fill out the rest of the movie in your head. Yeah, you don't need me anymore. In fact, I'll close up shop right here and now. I'm done. Review you're own bad movies! Yeah!!!

Nevermind, I forgot I own this for 89 years, or 700,000 miles, whichever comes first. I guess you're stuck with me.

Well, before we get to the zombification (Made up word that'll appear in the 2011 dictionary, I guarentee it!), we have to go through EVERY FUCKING CLICHE KNOWN TO MANDKIND! Let's count the ways:

-Pilot who is flying on his last flight because he's about to retire.
-Slutty stewardess
-An asshole but this movie gave us a bonus asshole! Awesome! (Techically, one of the scientist dudes was an asshole as well so we're in asshole overload here)
-Flight is happening during 2,000 thunderstorms that appear to be happening all next to each other.
-A nun
-A cop? Bounty Hunter? FBI agent? guy transporting a criminal
-The non-slutty stewardess that's gonna clearly hook up with the main guy
-A celebrity who's trying to lay low but his jealous wife is a bitch
-And finally, sing along with me!! (To the tune of "Neverending Story Theme Song") NEVER-ENDING BULL-LETS!! AHH AHH AH! AHH AHH AH! AHH AHH AH!!!

So we dive into all these back stories for about 30 minutes (Asshole dude is cheating on his girlfriend with other asshole dude's girlfriend while second asshole girlfriend is a bitch and doesn't like the first girl, we don't know what the convict did until way later) then the zombification begins.

During one of the billion thunderstorms that's gonna happen in this movie (they apparently never go away over this obscure country they're flying over) they experience bad turbulance, knocking the thing transporting scientist chick carrying the zombie juice inside her. She wakes up and some dude in an "Outbreak" outfit just randomly kills her. Who was the dude? Why did he just kill her? Who knows. But she doesn't stay dead and she eats outbreak dude.

Some more unneeded backstory (asshole and other girlfriend like to boink...A LOT, convict manages to escape and hides out somewhere) until the co-pilot goes and finds out why they have no communication (Outbreak dude shot the box up while killing scientist chick for no reason) and he takes along two scientist dudes to check out the cargo. There, they find scientist chick all zombified (another new word, but this will take until 2012 to be put in a dictionary) and she begins munching on the two scientist dudes.

The co-pilot returns, screaming about having to land but "Two Minutes From Retiring" Pilot says "Fuck no!" and continues flying. Then the cool shit FINALLY begins. After 45 minutes.

The FBI/Bounty Hunter/Whatever He Is Guy and the secret Air Marshall go down to the cargo to look for the convict and there they find zombies. The Marshall shoots, which causes a bullet to fly upwards, through the floor, and kill a stewardess. It was a pretty awesome scene. It was pretty much like that Korn video.

The dead stewardess falls on cheating girlfriend and asshole and cheating girlfriend runs to the bathroom to throw up. There, I thought a zombie was gonna come through a toilet. Imagine how cool that would've been if a zombie came up through the toilet. But no, it comes through the mirror, munching on cheating girlfriend.

During the chaos, all the stewardess keep saying "GET BACK TO YOUR SEATS!" like that's gonna happen. People are getting fuckin' eaten to death and you want me to just sit in my seat. Fuck you, lady, I wanna see!

Anyway, all the munched on become zombies and they pretty much attack everyone on board save for:
-Whatever Agent
-Air Marshall
-Non-Slutty Stewardess
-Golfer's Wife
-Fourth Scientist who's actually an asshole.

The co-pilot returns to the cockpit bitten and he in turns bites the pilot. Awww, minutes away. Just once I'd like to see someone say "I am now retired" THEN getting killed.

The Asshole Scientist claims he did nothing wrong but he falls through the zombie hole (The hole the bullet came out of the Korn Video scene got turned into a bigger hole the zombies made to grab people and eat them. It's pretty awesome.) and gets munched on.

Knowing that the pilot is dead and that the United States is going to shoot down the plane, they have to let the Air Force know there are still some alive people, but the radio is still down. So if they get the plane out of auto pilot and fly it like crazy, surely the air force will go "Oh they're still alive and crazy flying doesn't mean a fucking zombie is at the wheel, carry on!"

And out of the group I listed above, guess who can fly a plane? Well, Asshole Scientist is a zombie so he's out. The golfer's wife got bitten by slutty stewardess (That's TWO types of diseases now) so he's gonna sacrifice himself by opening the exit door and sucking out all the zombies (Cause they'll die when they fall. Of course) and wife comes along for the ride. So give up?

It's the convict! He's arrested for stealing some mob guy's plane! Yep. This movie's subplot's is confusing as fuck. And plus where were they flying from? And flying to? Cause I thought I heard France. But the US Air Force got involved. And for whatever reason, Canada tried calling the plane to tell them they can't land. So...where? Explain, movie! Explain! (Inside TGWTG joke)

So they get through the plane full of zombies, get to the cockpit and the air force is about to shoot down the plane when the convict turns off the auto pilot and flies all crazy like. The air force goes "Oh. Nevermind" and clearly just goes home cause they're never seen again.

The convinct lands on a mountain and the remaing people (Agent, Marshall, Stewardess and Convict) walk away into the sunse-er, sunrise. But guess what! The airborne zombies land and...are not dead! Well...they're dead. I mean...not dead undead. I mean-

Fuck it, they're still walking around. Even asshole scientist guy is undead/alive/whatever and they follow the plane survivors to whatever random town is there and cue ending! Seriously, where the fuck did the air force go? They didn't follow the plane to it's crash landing? They didn't send help? What the fuck? Jesus!

Despite that, this movie was entertaining to watch when shit finally happened. This movie really stars no one famous (the asshole scientist guy looked familar but I don't know) and the acting is horrible but it's still a fun watch. It's one of those "watch with other people" movies. Or at least pair it up with the original classic "Monday through Friday" Snakes on a Plane!

Read Nolahn's take of "Flight of the Living Dead".


Summer of '90's Announcement!

Don't worry, I'm not cancelling it. I'm making it somewhat better. After doing this for 3 weeks (Jeez, is THAT all?) I've come to a conclusion:

Doing a year a week is fuckin' hard work. Plus you skip out on a lot of other good stuff. Mainly hard work.

So I'm gonna forgo the one year a week thing and just do ANY movie from ANY year in the 90's until August 7th. This will give me more freedom and more chance to catch up on some movies I wanted to cover that I missed out on in the previous weeks. I'll still designate years to each post so you know when it came out. This should be a bit better. I hope.

Thanks for your patience.

Thursday, June 24, 2010

LAMBCast 27: Doing O.P.P (Other People's Podcasts)

So I'm gonna tell you my side of what happened behind the scenes and during the recording of this episode of the LAMBcast. Then I want you to listen to it and find out why it's possibly my favorite episode yet.

So a few days before, Dylan/Fletch sends an email saying "I have an idea for a secret topic on the LAMBcast. If you want to join in, say so." I was curious so I said I was in only to see what the secret was. He told me that the episode was going to pay tribute to the five podcasts that were nominated for Best Podcast by doing a segment they do on their show or something. He gave detailed descriptions and what was gonna go down. I said "Sure, why not?"

Problem: The only podcast out of the bunch I ever listened to was "The Demented Encyclopedia". So I looked at the list and what Dylan wanted me to do and the only two I listened to were Film Cynics because "we had to talk like they talk" which I guess was radio-like and this guy name Univarn.

Listening to Univarn I discovered the following things:
1. He does a podcast by himself.
2. He talks to himself...a lot!
3. He likes sounding like farm animals
4. He tends to talk in a stream of consciencness so the episode I listened to he talked about walls and his squeaky chair and other stuff I don't remember.

So I had to do an imitation on this guy, while being movie related. So I quickly came up with a top three list of depressing movies to watch before killing yourself. Why not?

Besides the first segment where we had to answer five questions, I was pretty lost. I watched the wrong trailer (Why are there so many movies called "Bagman"?), apparently Simon and Jo talk 900 words per minute in vague English accents, and the Film Cynics are on the radio except...not? I dunno.

So anyway. That's things from my point of view. I hope you enjoy this episode. I really think it turned out awesome and extra bonus points to Dylan for an awesome editing job. (Speaking of, some things I said seemed to be edited out. I remember making a Joy Division reference that I didn't hear and I think I said "fuckin'" during the non-radio radio moment.) With that said, enjoy!


Summer of 90's: 1992-Twin Peaks: Fire Walk With Me

I haven't talked about TV shows and I'm not going to besides "Twin Peaks" only because how fuckin' weird it was.

For those who for whatever reason don't know, "Twin Peaks" was a show co-created by David Lynch and it centered around the murder of a high school girl named Laura Palmer. Her murder was a shock to everyone because she had this good girl image. FBI Agent Dale Cooper (Kyle MacLaughlin) comes in to investigate the murder and, well, weird random wacky shit happens.

In the middle of the second season, they wrapped up Laura's murder and Lynch and ABC, the channel the show was on, decided to dedicate the show to the weirdness of the town, not realizing the appeal of the show was really the mystery of Laura's murder, along with the weirdness. After a few episode of weird "Twilight Zone/X-Files" shit, the season ended on a cliffhanger that was never resolved cause the show was cancelled.

David Lynch, however, wasn't finished and decided to give us a fresh look at Laura's murder by making "Twin Peaks: Fire Walk With Me", a prequel of sorts to the show. The events of the movie take place one week before Laura's murder.

The beginning of the movie, actually, shows the investigation of a girl Cooper mentioned on the show, Teresa Banks, but this time Chris Issak's is investigating it. Banks was found dead the same way Laura Palmer will be a year from now.

A year goes by and we pretty much follow Laura around doing all sorts of stuff like drinking, doing drugs, fucking, participating in orgies, and participaing in drug runs. She has two dudes, and her friend Donna wants to tag along. It's here we see a SHITLOAD of tits, which I guess is good but also kinda weird since they're techically high school students. But I'm sure the chicks playing them were like 30 something so it's a bit conflicting.

Any event, the movie is too weird to get into extreme detail. If you're a fan of the show, it serves it's purpose to explain some shit while at the same time confuse the ever living fuck out of you. It is sorta too bad this is the last Twin Peaks thing David Lynch did. It was probably the only thing he did that made any sense.


Tuesday, June 22, 2010

Summer of 90's: Catch Up Post

I'm a bit behind on movies and plus I don't have a whole lot to say about the three I have to present so I'll just give them to you in small doses.

1. Under Seige

Holy fuck this movie is awesomely insane. You got Steven Segal as a cook on a naval ship but guess what? He use to be a fuckin' NAVY Seal! So he'll slice and dice...YOUR ASS!! You got Tommy Lee Jones as a terrorist hippy. And you got Gary Buesy back being the bad guy and this time...he's wearing a dress? Well, it's only in one scene but still. He wears a dress. You got Erika Elaniak showing her tits. It's pure Segal and it's awesome. Oh Steven, if only you made more movies like this.

2. Reservior Dogs

I love this movie. After falling in love with "Pulp Fiction" I went and found out Tarantino made this prior and had to check it out. And indeed it is mucho awesome. You notice some things, like the camera in the trunk shot was used in both movies. And two characters named Vega. It's interesting. Anyway, I don't need to go too deep into this movie. You either know about it or you don't. And if you don't, you fuckin' should.

3. Just a link to my Dead Alive review. I love this movie and it was the first new review I posted on my site when I created it in August 2005 (FUCK! It's been 5 years!) and I watched it every year in August cause it's that awesome.

That's it. I'm now caught up. This week has been mucho crazy and balls to the wall nuts. I'll tell you about it sometime.

Sunday, June 20, 2010

Work Them Polls, Girls!

I'm gonna put up a poll to see what popular opinion there is of this subject. I guess that's the actual definition of a poll but whatever.

So the question is: Would you like to see a FaceBook page dedicated solely for The Lair of the Unwanted?

We want to make the show as interactive as possible, which is why we set up a email address but no one seems to want to send in an email. So maybe if we did it through FaceBook it'd garner some interest? Plus maybe it'll tell how many people actually listen to the damn show besides me, Nolahn, Travis, and Bubba from the Terre Haute Prison. So I'll keep the poll up for a couple of weeks and close it before we record the July episode and if enough people say yes (or some variation of yes), then I'll create one.

Cool? Cool.

Summer of '90's: 1991: Link to Point Break

So awhile ago, I was boiled into controversy when the LAMB decided to honor Former Mrs. James Cameron as a director. I forget her name now. Kathy something. Anyway. Turns out she directed a film called "Point Break", a film that I'm suppose to like. I watched it and I was pretty much let down cause it wasn't balls to the wall crazy like I was expecting. I posted my review and went on with my life.

Then out of nowhere, I got comments and emails from people asking me what my problem was and why I didn't like this masterpiece. And...I felt kinda bad. I apparently slammed the best movie of the 90's. EVER! And people took offense. So now that the dust settled and I have been forgiven, I'll give my second opinion here.

Thinking back on it, maybe it wasn't THAT bad. It does have Keanu Reeves. AND Gary Busey. AANNDD Patrick Swayze. I think I just felt the movie was a big long and there was too much set up. I mean, I knew Patrick Swayze's gang was the robbers from the start so why belabor the point so much? Just say it right away.

But anyway. There are some good lines, the action is pretty decent, and it's always good seeing Gary Busey play a GOOD crazy guy. Just for the record, I'll add a star to my original rating. With that said, here is my review for "Point Break".

Enjoy and see you in 1992.

Friday, June 18, 2010


So you all been seeing me post about the LAMMY's and how I was nominated in two categories: Funniest Writer and Best Horror/Sci-Fi Blog. Well, I'm sad to announce that I'm only second funniest behind Stacie Ponder at "Final Girl", which makes sense cause she's definately way more funnier than I and Doug combined.

(See, I bet you didn't even get that. "Who's Doug?" you're probably asking, not knowing I'm trying to do a play on words with "funny/Funnie". Yeah, Stacie deserved that award.)

But in an ironic twist, "Final Girl", who's blog name is a horror movie definition, DID NOT win Best Horror/Sci-Fi Blog because...

I did.

I know! How awesome is that!

Unfortuately I was away in my hiding place editing The Lair when the news broke so I couldn't be there in person to accept my award. So I made this video accepting my award. Fletch, the award you sent is pretty damn good.

Alright, well I get to ride on the high that is this win for another year. In your face, Daniel Day-Lewis!

Thursday, June 17, 2010

Summer of '90's: 1991-Popcorn

I didn't know much about "Popcorn" prior to watching this today. I didn't even know it was from 1991. But when I saw it on the list, I had a flash to when I rented movies all the time and I went to the horror section and I would see this video cover and thought it was about contanimated popcorn that kills anyone that eats it. It sounded like a silly, but interesting, premise.

What it's actually about is SOOOO much more better.

Movie starts with Maggie have a weird dream about a dude trying to stab her with a knife and calling out to someone named Sarah. Maggie wakes up and immedately records the dream on a tape because she's writing a movie about this weird-o dream she's been having. Her mom, played by Dee Wallace Stone, acts kinda shady about this whole dream thing.

Maggie goes to school and she's a film major. The film department is getting screwed up the ass because the school is focusing it's attention on sports. Fuck you sports. Fuck you. So to generate interest in the film department, one of the students Toby came up with a neat idea: have a classic B-movie festival at a theater put on by the department! Not only will they raise money, but they'll show them sports assholes! Show them real good!

Toby gets some help from Ray Walston, who plays an old time b-movie TV host. He brings in a bunch of props and helps with the movies. This was probably my favorite part, the movies being shown. They're called "Mosquito!" "The Incredible Amazing Electrified Man", and finally "The Stench". Each movie was going to have some gimmick to go with it. Like have a giant mosquito fly through the audience, have electrified seats, and actual bad smells waft through the crowd.

The movies are pretty awesome and are pretty much parody's of actual b-movies. "Mosquito!" is pretty much any giant bug monster movie, like "The Deadly Mantis". "Electrified Man" is pretty much exactly "The Indestructable Man", and "The Stench" is pretty much any 1970's Japanese horror film.

In THIS movie, however, while setting up the theater, the students find a film reel and they put it on. The film shows a guy who looks like Charles Manson killing some chick while he says "I AM THE POSSESSOR" over and over again. Three guesses on what the title of this film is.

The teacher, Mr. Davis, seems to know a lot about this lost film. Fake Charles Manson over there is named-get this-LAYNARD GATES. Laynard. You know, those things you wear around your neck. I know, right? Well anyway, Laynard was a cult leader who gave his followers acid. Film critics laughed at his weird ass movies so he made The Possessor in retaliation and finished the ending live, which consisted of Laynard stabbing his wife and killing the rest of his family, then himself. The bodies were never identified so for all they know Laynard is still out there....

After a montage of getting the theater set up, Momma Dee Wallace Stone is all worried about Maggie. When she takes a werid phone call that tells her to go to the theater, Dee shows up alright...packing mothafuckin' heat! You don't FUCK with Dee Wallace Stone!

So Dee Wallace Stone is outside the theather and the letters start popping off one by one, until a ghostly apprarition makes the words "The Possessor" show up. Oooh, scary! Dee Wallace Stone goes into the theater to kick some ghost ass but sadly she is one-up'd by a manniquin. D'oh!

It's now the next night and it's time for the movie festival. People are packed into the theater and they're all dressed all weird. They have a goodie bag with 3-D glasses and a pin to hold your nose closed for "The Stench". And I gotta say, speaking from experience of going to B-Fest on two different occasions, they got the rowdy crowd feel just right.

During our central plot, we see snippits of the films and they are a hoot. I have to give it up to the writer and performers for doing such a bang-up job mimicing such awful movies. When we do get to the central plot, the killer (who may or may not be Laynard) kills off Mr. Davis using the fake prop mosquito, after the showing of "Mosquito!", then he electrocutes Wheelchair Guy, who's operating the shocked seats, during "Electrofied Man". Unfortunately, the murders stopped after that, which is a shame cause I was dying to see how they'd kill someone using stench.

After the killings there are some amusing scenes featuring Maggie and her boyfriend Mark. Mark, by the way, takes more beatings than Ben Linus on "Lost". It's pretty amazing.

So should I spoil the ending? Nah. I'll end it with these questions:

Is Laynard really back from the dead or does one of the main character have a secret?
How would they have killed someone using odor?
Why is Maggie so god damn hot?
Did Dee Wallace Stone survive?
Will Benson ever figure out how to tell The Tates the secret he's been keeping?

All this, and more, will be answered when you watch..."Popcorn"!


Wednesday, June 16, 2010

The Lair of the Unwanted #6: MAKEUP!


In this episode of "The Lair" Jason Big Stanky Ass Soto and Punchy Taynt Nolahn discuss some summer projects they're each taking on. Jason is doing "The Summer of '90's" where he talks about every movie and music video the 1990's had to offer. Nolahn is racking up his Crap of the Titans by taking on a bunch of famous bad movies you never want to see again.

Then they discuss "KISS Meets The Phantom of the Park" and the Insane Clown Posse, sorry, INSANE CLOWN POSSE, movie "Big Money Hustlas" or "Big Money Hustla$" or BIG MONEY HUSTLAS!" So if you are a Juggalo, A JUGGLAO, feel free to drop us an email at:
"THELAIRUNWANTED AT GMAIL DOT COM" or "THELAIRUNWANTED@GMAIL.COM" or "", whichever is easier to reach us. If your dial up internet can handle it.

A whole shitload of links for ya, be sure to check these out:!/group.php?gid=87311316206!/profile.php?id=666503217


PS: I had to deleted the first two episodes from Podomatic because I ran out of room. They should still show up on iTunes if you wanna go back and listen to them. If that doesn't work, email me and I'll send them to you. Thanks!

Summer of 90's: Suburban Commando (From Nostalgia Critic)

I was gonna watch and review the Hulk Hogan vehicle "Suburban Commando" then I remembered The Nostaliga Critic did an awesome kickass review of this movie and there's no way I could top it. So I'm gonna link to his review on his site. Ladies and gentlemen I present:

The Nostalgia Critic Reviews Suburban Commando


Saturday, June 12, 2010

Summer of '90's: 1990-Total Recall (As I Try To Recall It)

I was TOTALly gonna watch this movie then write about it but I have seen it a few times and I think it'd be great if I could just RECALL what the movie is about based on my memory. That should be fun! Here we go!

Arnold Swartzenegger is a guy in the future. He's bored with his life, so he hears about this company called Rekall, spelled wrong cause spelling things wrong is PHUN! So he goes to this company and they tell him the scenerio he'll be playing, which is he becomes a big hero and at the end he gets the girl.

But in the middle of it, something goes wrong and the machine starts malfucntioning. Arnold leaves and then he finds out his life is all sorts of fucked up. He learns that he's actually a secret government spy and everyone is out to kill him: his best friend, his wife played by Sharon Stone, and even himself!

Arnold is told by a suitcase playing a video of himself to wrap a wet towel on his head, then pick a huge red glowing booger out of his nose with some pliers, then he's gotta go to Mars cause Mars Needs Bodybuilders! And to be librated with air or something.

But he's gotta go in disguise, so he goes as a giant woman and this works for .00001 seconds until the disguise just randomly blows up. So now Arnold is on Mars, he meets up with the chick from "Falling Down", and then some dude shows up telling him none of this is real and that he's still stuck in the Rekall machine. Arnold doesn't believe him so he kills the dude.

Arnold runs around Mars, gets trapped outside Mars, nearly suffocates, then some guy with a small dude in his stomach appears and says stuff to Arnold. I remember then some old guy chasing Arnold around and he fell down a lot. Then Arnold and girl from "Falling Down" turning the air on for Mars, then enjoying a sunset together on Mars annnnd end film.

Directed by Paul Verhooven aka "Director of Showgirls".

I had to watch this movie a few times cause the first time I seen it I was I think 11 or 12 and I didn't fucking understand it. Then when I got older I watched it a few more times and I thought it was amazingly cheesy. And I think having not seen it in awhile, I did a pretty good job remembering it. Right?



PS: OH and there's a chick with three tits. Awesome.

Friday, June 11, 2010

Summer of '90's: 1990-Sorority House Massacre 2: Nighty-Nightmare

With 1990 winding up here, I just have to-HAVE TO-talk about this movie. I've seen this movie more times then I care to admit. And yes, it is a sequel to a movie, which I haven't seen, but I'm sure I really don't need to see it cause this movie is just great on it's own. Much like "Silent Night, Deadly Night".

In this movie, five random skanks decide to randomly start a sorority in an abandoned a residental neighborhood. I forget the skanks names, it's not important really, but one of them has the worst accent ever. I don't even know what she's suppose to be. British? Australian? Brazilian? Martian? No fuckin' idea.

Anyway, the skanks get settled into the house, soon the clothes start coming off, there's a gratutious shower scene, and the drinking starts. Then right when it gets dark outside, the neighbor across the screet decides to introduce himself and he is easily the best fuckin' character in the whole entire movie.

I swear to you his name is Orville Ketchup, despite the ending credits calling him Orville Ketchum. But EVERYBODY in the movie is clearly saying "Ketchup" so his name is Orville Ketchup, ok? Anyway, Orville Ketchup is this weird looking guy who's pretty anti-social and he decides to tell the skanks a story.

The story is about the former resident of the house this sorority is now in named Hocksetter. One day Old Man Hocksetter decided to go nuts and kill some other random skanks and all of this is told through a helpful flashback. Eventually the cops showed up and killed Hocksetter in his place.

And with that, Orville Ketchup just leaves. Thanks. Say hi to Mean Mr. Mustard.

So then the fun begins when one of the skanks shows up dead and everything thinks its Orville Ketchup...even though they see him outside the house trying to get in. Orville Ketchup tries all kinds of ways to get into the house and no matter what, the girls find all sorts of ways to stop the guy: throw him off the roof, slam his head into a bunch of wood, even give him a swirlie in the toilet.

But the body's keep piling up until it's one girl and bad accent girl. Then the truth is revealed and this is fucking stupid but I swear this is what happened:

The bad accent girl...IS POSSESSED BY HOCKSETTER!! And the only person to stop him/her is...ORVILLE KETCHUP! Orville Ketchup pulls out a soul destroying gun and shoots bad accent girl, but not before she kills the other girl. Then a mover shows up with some cops and the cops shoot Orville Ketchup pretty point blank in the body...AND HE SURVIVED!!! He just has some scratches on him and he's ok! Movie's over!

It may sound like the most retarded movie in the world, and it is, but it's also fucking awesome. I'm telling you, Orville Ketchup needs to be in more movies. He's the greatest. He's this weird guy who can't die and he's suppose to be a good guy. I mean..WHAT??

As of this writing, its only available on VHS, which I am clutching to my A-Cup bosom as we speak. If anyone does have a DVD copy of this, please, pass the wealth.


Thursday, June 10, 2010

Summer of '90's: 1990-Soultaker

"Soultaker" was featured in a pretty famous episode of "Mystery Science Theater 3000". It was not only the episode that kicked off their tenth (and final) season, but it featured the return of Joel Hodgeson and Frank Conniff. Sadly, Joel didn't partake in the riffing but it was awesome to see both Mike and Joel standing side by side, making off-the-cuff jokes about comparing each other and whatnot.

The movie on the other hand...oh boy. Starring Joe Estevez (Martin Sheen's brother) and written and co-starring a chick named Vivian Schilling. It tells the story of a group of friends who die in a car accident and are not being chased by a "soultaker", sort of a Grim Reaper of sorts, played by Joe Estevez.

The group of friends include Zach, his ex-girlfriend Natalie, and their friends Brad and Tommy. Brad doesn't like Natalie cause she's "slightly more rich then they are", which is like saying "I hate that person cause he has slightly more shoes than I do".

They're driving to the ever fun Summerfest when The Angel of Death (Robert Z'Dar) tells Joe to take the souls of our four heroes and he only has 12 hours to do so before...I don't know, their soul's expire or something. So Joe causes a car accident, which I think is cheating if you ask me, and succeeds in taking the souls of Brad and Tommy but it's Zach and Natalie that Joe has a hard time with.

Then there's the sub-plot of Joe remembering his wife in his previous life and she just happens to look like Natalie. Did I mention the chick playing Natalie wrote this movie? Just in case that wasn't clear. So the rest of the movie is Zach and Natalie NOT KNOWING THEY'RE DEAD and they go get help from Natalie's Mom, who's really just Joe in disguise, so there's some pretty creepy moments.

Eventually, they discover that Zach and Natalie's bodies are on life support at the hospital and they have to get back into their bodies before their parents pull the plug. So this leads to RUNNING IN THE HOSPITAL: THE MOVIE! It must be fun to run in a hospital.

I won't tell the ending cause frankly it's stupid and retarded. I recommend watching this movie in MST3K form cause it's MUCH more enjoyable. The movie itself is just weird, kinda slow, and just overall stupid. Plus having the screenwriter cast as the main chick is just so vain. I guess she thought this movie was about her.


Tuesday, June 08, 2010

Summer of '90's-1990: Darkman

Fuckin' LOOOOVE "Darkman". I seen this when it came out on video and I was blown away. Watching it again 20 years later, I'm still blown away. And amazed that this movie stars Liam Neeson AND Frances McDormand.

This is a Sam Raimi movie and it shows. This was probably what he showed Marvel when he was interested in directing "Spider-man" because this entire movie feels like a comic book movie. The style, the background scenes, hell even the overall story is almost like a mash-up of every comic book hero ever.

The story focuses on Peyton Westlake (Neeson) who is a scientist working on making realistic skin for burn victims and whatnot. He's successful but the skin can only last for 99 minutes before it melts away. But he discovers that in the dark it lasts a long time. Peyton is dating Julie (McDormand), who is an attorney for some sleazy building developer named Strack. Julie discovers some sort of illegal thing going on with Strack and rather stupidly goes right to him about this.

Strack isn't happy about this so he sends his right hand man named Durant (Larry Drake, yes THAT Larry Drake) to Peyton's place to get this memo. Durant trashes Peyton's lab, kills his assistant, and pretty much fucks up Peyton's body, badly burning him. As a final "fuck you", Durant and his men blow the shit out of his lab. Peyton goes flying and lands in a nearby water source.

Sometime later, Peyton is found and put in a hospital where they cut off all his nerve endings so he doesn't feel the pain of being horrible burnt. The cause of this, however, leads to Peyton getting pissed off a lot and kinda sensitive. He wakes up and escapes the hospital and after salaving what's left of his equipment, moves to an abandoned warehouse and starts a-new.

Eventually, he moves on to revenge and starts making faces of Durant's men and fucking with their lives. He poses as one goon and takes Durant's money, so then Durant goes to the real goon's house and kills him, not believing his story of "it wasn't me" even though Durant saw him on the counter AND on the sofa.

Finally, Peyton is able to make a fake version of his face and he goes out to find Julie and...not tell her what happened. O....K. While he's getting his groove thang back on with Julie, he's planning revenge on Durant and his men by fucking up more shit.

After Peyton tries to pretend to be Durant and take some more money, in which the REAL Durant shows up, and Julie tells Strack Peyton is alive, life gets hard(er) for him. Durant followed Julie to the abandoned warehouse to plead with Peyton to let her see his real self (after she finds out he's been using his equipment to make fake faces) and kidnaps her and tries to rid of Peyton. Peyton alludes them and eventually stops Durant. Now to save Julie.

Peyton disguises himself as Durant but Strack figures it out and tries to pay off Peyton, but Peyton is like "Fuck you" and a fight ensues. It's a pretty awesome fight. Hell, the chase scene one scene back was awesome too. This entire movie is just awesome. I'm stopping here cause if you haven't seen "Darkman" you need you get on that.

Sadly, there were some sequels that don't have Liam Neeson nor were written or directed by Sam Raimi so I'm sure they're crap. I'll give them a watch eventually but for now, let's just enjoy this awesome original movie. Oh and look out for a cameo by Bruce Campbell. Can't miss it.


Monday, June 07, 2010

Summer of '90's-1990: Troll 2

To begin the movie portion of my Summer-long blog-a-thon, let's start with, oh I don't know...Troll 2?

Troll 2 is such an epic movie that not only did I make it my second ever Mass Invasion, but it was also the 100th movie reviewed on the site. What's even greater is this movie is so bad there's a documentary on how bad it is. I present to you "Best Worst Movie"

But that's not what this is about. You wanna read some stuff about the movie itself. Thankfully, this movie has been covered all over the place. So take your pick:

Me and My Friends Review It
Nolahn, my podcastin' partner in crime, reviewed it at Bargin Bin Review
Andrew at reviewed it
And Fatally Yours reviewed it

If you reviewed "Troll 2" and you want it linked up here, drop me a line in the comment section. Now if you excuse me, I got some hopsitality to piss on.

Tuesday, June 01, 2010


Ok guys and ghouls, here's the moment you all been waiting for: What epic thing have I been talking about for awhile now? Well here it is!

Starting June 7th and going all the way til August, I will be celebrating the '90's! Every week I'll focus on a year within that decade and talk about different stuff. Such as:
-On The Blog and The Site I will review bad movies from each year. Also post links to reviews I already posted.
-At "Jason's Movie Bucket List", whatever movie on the list falls in that particular year I'll watch it.
-And over at "Two Trick Pony" I'll talk about...everything else. Including music videos, other good movies, and personal stuff.

I been putting this together for a couple of months now and I think it'll be fun. So if you aren't already, make sure you follow the other blogs to further enhance the experience. I'll also set up a homepage on The Site full of linky goodness in case you miss something.

And also you, YES YOU, are welcome to participate. Is your favorite movie from 1993? Wanna write about it? Or you already wrote about it? Email the link to me and when I get to that particular year, I'll post it. And even though I spent awhile planning it, I still got some bugs to work out and other things I need to figure out, which I'll probably do so as I go along, so bear with me.

Anyway, this should be fun. The Summer of '90's! Awesome, dude!