Friday, June 03, 2011

The Soto List: What I Learned Edition

My birthday is coming up this Sunday. I'll be 31. I'm approaching the time in my life where age doesn't matter. When I turn 40, then people will start to care and I'll be getting strange things in the mail from the AARPNAACPASCPAIHOP or whatever and I'll have to look into buying a different type of underwear for my ever sagging ball sack.

Women, you have it made when you get older.

Anyway, about half my life now I've been watching bad movies and only a small fraction of that I've been writing about them and sharing them with the 3 people that read my blog. During that time, bad movies have taught me a lot about life and I think is responsible for shaping the type of person that I am. So without further ado, here are 31 Things I've Learned While Watching Bad Movies!

1. If you were a pop star in the 80's, you're gonna end up making a shitty movie or two before you die.
2. The only difference between Earth and outer space is you need air to breathe. Exposed skin is fine, you can still walk or fly without any problems and most importantly you can start a fire in space.
3. A sequel means it'll have nothing to do with anyone or anything in the previous film.
4. Tommy Wiseau knows EXACTLY what he's doing.
5. Serial killers LOVE using puns before, during, and/or after killing someone. They could be stand up comics...if it wasn't for the whole killing thing.
6. All you need to make a movie is a camera, 3-4 people and outside. Getting the movie distributed is NO problem.
7. Somebody has the phone number 912.
8. Nicolas Cage does not like bees. Or bears. Or bikes. Or Leelee Sobieski.
9. If Chuck Norris and Cynthia Rothrock ever have sex and have a child, that child will be the second coming of Christ.
10. All Italian killers shop at the same leather store.
11. If you're related to a major celebrity, you totally have a chance to be just as famous, if not more.
12. The military likes to dump secret projects in small towns and forget about them.
13. Eventually, homeless people are going to be sick of us flushing our shit in their homes and strike back.
14. Every animal known to mankind is smart enough to plan pre-meditated murder. Including frogs.
16. Same for mountains. And the desert.
17. If you're in another country during a major disaster, keep trying to reach The American Embassy. They'll be more than happy to help you.
18. Never trust a guy with a porn mustache. Especially if he drives a quirky vehicle.
19. If a woman wants to fuck you, they either want something or they're trying to kill you.
20. Go ahead and poison someone's water, they'll never notice the taste.
21. Three people sewn ass to mouth are able to go up a spiral staircase with no problem.
22. When the zombie apocalypse happens, nobody will know how to act because they never seen a zombie movie in their lives.
23. When you plan a trip, make sure you bring that one asshole friend. It doesn't hurt to have a nerd of some kind as well.
24. The woods will kill you.
25. Little kids are 50 times smarter than adults and should always be taken seriously.
26. Just move right on in to that weird creepy house. Don't bother looking into the history of the place.
27. If you do look into the history of the place, the library will have exactly what you're looking for in a matter of minutes.
28. Danny Elfman makes a good Satan.
29. If things start getting boring, just randomly get naked. It'll spice things up.
30. Every major asshole, douchebag, or dumbass in the world is named Jason.
31. Speaking of, if your name IS Jason you can get shot, stabbed, cut in half, burnt, drown (three times), frozen, and float in space and not ever die.

Hmm...I'll have to try those out.


Dylan said...

"3. A sequel means it'll have nothing to do with anyone or anything in the previous film."

Seriously? Still hanging on to this? Look're in the minority big-time, brother...

I have a different, bigger problem with this list, though. It was funny. Where's my SeriouSoto?!?!

Jason Soto said...

Sheesh, someone's a bit sensitive :P

I was referring to movies like "Troll 2" or "CHUD 2" which are some movies that say they're sequels but really have nothing to do with the first one. Especially "Troll 2".

Dylan said...

Yeah...I was calling you sensitive! ;)

Sure it was about those other flicks...

Rachel said...


Except to visit me, of course!

Jason Soto said...

Rachel: You're only about 1 whole state away from me. Indianapolis sort of has some qualities of the south, so I think if you came HERE you'll feel right at home!