Monday, October 31, 2011

A Serbian Film

Jason: So the story about this review is a bit detailed. I'll try to keep it brief. As you no doubt know, my fellow blogging friend Nick Jobe of Random Ramblings of a Demented Doorknob also does freelance writing at Man, I Love Films. He does all the new DVD releases. One day, he was complaining about the lack of good films coming out on DVD and while doing some research of my own, I saw that sometime in mid-October "A Serbian Film" was getting a US DVD release. I immediately said "DUDE! How fuckin' awesome and funny would it be if that was reviewed on MILF? AND since it's a horror movie, I tag teamed the review with you!" Nick loved the idea. Who didn't love the idea? The minds behind Man, I Love Films. They respectfully declined, saying the film is too deplorable to be up on their site. Still thinking this was an awesome idea, I said "fuck it, let's just do it on our own blogs". And that's what we're doing. So here is our review of "A Serbian Film".

Jason: "A Serbian Film" is one of those movies people talk about in hushed tones. Only certain people are aware of its existence, and if you try to bring it to the mainstream, you'll be easily arrested for crimes against humanity. I'm pretty sure the writer and director set out to make a fucked up movie but I don't think even he was prepared for how people were gonna react to this film.

As I throw to Nick to give his opening thoughts, I have to say I have no idea how he'll react to this film as he gave me the pleasure to be the first one to watch it. When I suggested "Visitor Q" to him, saying how fucked up it is, he watched it and laughed it off. If he can laugh off necrophilia and weird lactating mothers, I'm not sure how he'll react to "A Serbian Film."

Nick: Well, Jason... I'm so glad you asked. It turns out my initial reaction was something akin to "I don't mind never seeing this film again. Ever." Now, I talk a lot about a little film called Salo. In fact, when Serbian was first in the news, a lot of other people said it was the Salo of our day. I can see that. I felt almost equally ill after finishing this one as I did with that one. But there are at least one or two major differences that set those two films apart, and I think that's what I really want to explore here. But first, let's look at the story itself.

Jason: At the start of the film we're treated to a skanky chick in an alley. We meet Milos, who comes into the alley, and basically rips her panties off and starts fucking her on a motorcycle. This all turns out to be a porn film Milos was in. Milos is a retired porn star with several titles under his cock.

And not only is this from a porn film, but the person watching said porn film is Petar, Milos son. That might not seem like a big deal but Petar is only like 8 or so. So yeah. Milos and his wife Maria walk in on this and turn it off. Milos doesn't think it's a big deal but Maria thinks the porn watching should wait until he's a bit older. Like 10 or so.

Now that Milos is retired, he doesn't really have another job. Maria has a job as some sort of interpreter but it's not enough to pay the bills. So they need some sort of other income. Ok, I have a question: can male porn stars REALLY retire? I mean there are people who are into all kinds of weird stuff (as we'll find out in a bit here) so really couldn't an old guy still be banging away at hot chicks, as long as he's still "equipped"? Milos here still is because that's all everyone says in this movie how Milos can still get it up and keep it hard for a long time.

Nick: Well... there is Ron Jeremy. But that's beside the point. Anyway, an old acquaintance of Milos (a female porn star who has apparently turned to bestiality films to make some cash) has returned to tell him about an underground director who will shell out some big bucks (like, retire and never work a day in your life again kind of big bucks) if he participates in his next porn film. The only catch is... the dude refuses to tell him what the porno is about or what he has to do outside of have sex. After talking it over with his wife, Milos reluctantly agrees.

The first day of shooting has them at an old building for abandoned and orphaned children. So... off to a good start, then, huh? For whatever reason, Milos doesn't turn and run immediately, but instead gets a little earpiece so that the director can tell him what to do. Mainly, he walks around and watches as some females get slapped and dragged around. Then he gets a blowjob while having to watch two videos of an underage girl eating a popsicle and the same girl putting on makeup.

But then the next day (I believe) happens... and he's taken to a room in the building where he's forced to rape a woman. And if that wasn't enough, he has to do it while a young, underage girl from earlier scenes sits and watches. Needless to say, he's a bit weirded out by the whole thing. We're about an hour into the film at this point... it's actually been relatively boring and quite tame in comparison to other films. However, he goes to talk to the director about the movie and what's going on and... this is when the movie gets... well, where it starts to earn its reputation. I'll let my associate briefly describe what you're missing.

Jason: Milos is creeped out and wants out of the project, despite getting a gazillion dollars. The director (whom I'll call Lars Von Trier cause I forgot his name already) convinces Milos to stay cause all he's really doing is just fucking. I don't think that's the real problem, Lars. But Milos stays on...until he's forced to hit a woman. Now that's the last straw.

Milos confronts Lars Von Trier and wants to know what kind of movie this is. Lars says he makes artsy films that involve sex of all kinds. Then he shows him a scene from the movie. I hesitate to even mention this cause really it involves two words that NEVER should be put together, and I'm sure there are people out there who Google such things and I don't want them coming to my site. (I'm sure Nick doesn't want them on his site either.)

Nick: Not particularly.

Jason: Basically, we get a scene of a pregnant lady who produces a new human being, and then we get a guy (who is the guy that's been driving Milos around town) grabbing this new human being and having adult relations with it. Yeah. You wanna know the fucked up part? I KNEW this was going to happen but I DIDN'T know we would actually see the act. Sure the new human being looks fake as hell, but still. That's an image that sticks with you, man.

Nick: Indeed.

Jason: Milos is grossed out, and he runs out of the house. He totally doesn't want anything to do with this movie anymore. But Lars says "fuck that" and drugs his drink, which causes him to pass out. Oh, Lars Von Trier.

Milos wakes up and it's like two or three days later. He's all bloodied and bruised and doesn't remember anything. Ladies and gentlemen, "A Serbian Hangover"! He can't find Maria or Petar so he drives back to Von Trier's house, finds it empty, but finds some tapes lying around. Milos snags them, finds a quiet spot in the forest, and watches a lovely Disney movie.

Ok, not really. It shows all the fucked up shit Milos did when he was blacked out. He fucked a chick, then cut her head off while doing it (Nick: Don't forget the part where he continues to bang her despite the headlessness of the situation). Then there's a part where Milos was passed out so some other dude comes in and fucks him. Nice.

Milos slowly remembers everything, including not wanting to do a scene where he fucks the 12-year-old girl from earlier in the movie (yeah, I'm OK with those grouping of words but not "new human sex") so he escapes from the scene. But Lars Von Trier is a tricky motherfucker! He finds Milos in the street and drags him back to some warehouse. This is where the real fun is.

Nick: You mean we weren't having fun yet? To be perfectly honest, I do think the blacking out and having the majority of the rest of the film be him discovering things through the tapes to be an actual good idea. Too bad the things on the tapes were... well, what they were. Anyway...

Jason: So Milos and some masked guy are presented with two unconscience bodies. They're both covered up except for their asses and one of them is smaller than the other. Both Milos and the masked guy start fucking the bodies, with Milos fucking the smaller one. The masked guy takes his mask off and it's...Milos' brother! And the two bodies they are fucking?

Umm...if you haven't figured it out by now...

Family is missing... Milos was doing the smaller one... yeah... I hope you figured it out.

Nick: Poor Peter Dinklage...

Jason: Armed with this knowledge, Milos just goes fucking nuts and punches and kills dudes left and right. The best part? The "new human fucker" only had one eye so Milos starts FUCKING THE BAD EYE TO DEATH!! After so much fucked up shit, this was such a breath of fresh air. God... did I just say that?

Nick: No, I will back Jason up on this. Everything prior to this point had been so insane and ridiculously awful that by the time Milos fights back and very literally and graphically skull fucks this dude, it's pretty much the most awesome thing you've ever seen in your life. I know that sounds crazy, but trust us... or at least don't call the police.

Jason: Let's end this review.

Nick: I concur.

Jason: Milos kills everyone, including the brother, and takes his family back home. The family is freaked out (naturally) and don't know how to cope with what just happened. They all agree the best way is to just kill themselves. So in the cheeriest of all endings, Milos kills himself, Maria, and Petar with one bullet. And then...some weird guy is at the house, telling some other guy to fuck the dead corpses. THE END!!

Nick: Is the movie totally messed up? To put it lightly, yes. But it's not without purpose. I'm not trying to defend the film, but at the very least, it's not being disturbing for the sake of being disturbing. Outside of the final 30 seconds (which I think is like "OK, that's too much now"), the film does have a purpose and a reason for being what it is. Did it need to be made and done the way it was to give us that purpose? That's a whole other discussion.

Also, on a technical level, it's actually a well made film. It has a decent lead character, a truly evil and despicable villain, a finely paced story, good use of the camera, and even a pretty good soundtrack. Of course, none of that makes up for what is actually involved in the film, and you probably won't find me jammin' out to my brand new Serbian Film soundtrack CD. But I'm just saying that outside of the terrible, evil things that happen in the film, it's rather competently made.

As for how it stacks up to "Salo"... I'm not sure it does. To be perfectly honest, I found "Salo" to be more disturbing and vile. While "A Serbian Film" made me nauseated and upset, I was fine after a few hours--and then forgot most of the movie within the week. "Salo", on the other hand, stuck with me for days, and I still can't get some of that imagery out of my head. But there is one major thing, as I stated earlier, that makes Salo more evil and harder to watch--Salo is from the perspective of the evil-doers, and the events are shown in a cheerful, positive light; "Serbian Film", on the other hand, is from the perspective of the victims, so it's really not different than a highly disturbing horror film. Milos is just as disturbed and affected by the events as we are. I'm not using this comparison to advocate watching either one of them. But as the two have been compared, and as the newer of the two is often stated as being the most disturbing film ever made, I'm going to have to disagree.

Jason: Holy fuck, what do I say about a movie like this? Ok, if you ignore all the REAL fucked up parts, and just look at it as a film, it is shot brilliantly, the acting is very well done, and the story (again minus the fucked up parts) is good. What would one do to keep food on the table? Would any human really go through these lengths? And supposedly, this is supposed to be a symbolic film about the country of Serbia. I don't live in Serbia so I can't speak for that but if that's true, they should get out.

Nick: Specifically, I think it has to do with being a social commentary regarding censorship in Serbia. But regardless how you look at it, it's a messed up movie. I mean, yeah, if you look past all that stuff, it is very well done all around, but I'm not quite sure that makes up for the actual content of the film (specifically the last 45 minutes or so). I said it earlier, and I'll say it again. I don't mind never seeing this again. Ever.

Nick's Rating: WTF.

Sunday, October 23, 2011

The Soto List: 10 Really Weird, Creepy Music Videos

Music videos aren't really 100% scary. It's kinda hard to set up something scary in 3 minutes. But some videos do try their best to make them so weird they're memorable. Before you start the list, just know that I don't think these are really scary, I'm just counting down different or strange music videos that has some horror elements to it. With that said...

10. Miles Fisher-This Must Be The Place

Start off kinda light. I just like this video because of what it parodies.

9. Korn-A.D.I.D.A.S

Again, still kinda light. Korn as zombies? Fuck yeah.

8. Robbie Williams-Rock DJ

This is just...weird.

7. Soundgarden-Black Hole Sun

When this video first came out, it freaked me the fuck out. Now, it's not too bad but still really fucking weird.

6. Marilyn Manson-Sweet Dreams (Are Made of These)

This Marilyn Manson video probably has the most creepy images. And keep this in mind: all the people you see in the video are guys.

5. Tool-Stinkfist

There's a lot of Tool videos I could've put here, but this one struck me as the weirdest. Well this and "Prison Sex".

4. Bush-Greedy Fly

Under the "what the fuck was that about?" category, I remember when this video debuted back in 1997. Considering all of Bush's videos were just them playing while lights flickered, this was such a departure.

3. Nine Inch Nails-Pinion

If you never seen it, the ending throws you for a loop. Possibly the shortest music video I could find.

2. Apex Twin-Come To Daddy

I was gonna put "Window Licker" but kids is more creepier than a guys face on a hot chick's body. If you really want a good scare, look up Chris Cunningham's 6 minute film "Rubber Johnny". It's REALLY fucking weird.

1. Salem-Piggyhog

Sleep tight!

Jason on Jason: Jason Goes To Hell: The Final Friday

*Snicker* Sure. The FINAL Friday. Whatever you say, yo.

So what would it look like if "Friday the 13th" actually had a plot behind it? It'd look something like "Jason Goes To Hell". I'm guessing someone at New Line said "Let's have a Friday the 13th film where Jason finally dies." My response is "Well, he kinda died in Part 8. Why can't THAT be the "final" Friday?"

I guess some people didn't like Part 8 and so a whole film had to be made to find the most elaborate way to kill Jason, while ignoring Part 8 completely. Because we start with a chick arriving at Camp Crystal Lake and she's by herself. She gets naked, gets in the tub, and is about to bath in a horribly rusted bathtub when the lights go off. Of course she investigates and soon, Jason shows up to kill her.

But she manages to quickly wrap a towel and run through the forest with Jason chasing after her. The chick stops for a breather, but here comes Jason! He's about to slash her when...

Lights come on! SWAT guys come out of nowhere! Then they drop a fucking bomb on him, blowing him up in a million pieces. So they just NOW thought to do this? And here's the weird part, I thought no one knew about or believed in Jason yet somehow a whole SWAT team is here to blow him up?

And for some reason, they take the blown up body to the morgue. Why? Just fucking, I dunno, burn all the body parts. Something. But some medical examiner guy is poking around Jason's body when he finds the heart. And it starts pumping. And for no fucking reason whatsoever, the guy just EATS the heart.

Yum. Jason Voorhee's heart. I'd love to see that be a secret ingredient on Iron Chef.

"Tonight's secret ingredient is.......

Well, turns out eating Jason's heart makes him possess your body. The examiner's partner picked the wrong time to show up and start making fun of Jason and threaten to poop on Jason's face.

I bet that's a fetish site somewhere. $9.99 for the first 10 minutes.

Anyway, we then go back to the nearby town and the town is celebrating Jason's death. The local news show is running a special report about a guy named Duke who thinks Jason isn't really dead but he knows how to do it. The reporter, Robert, offers Duke $10,000 to do the job.

Then the local restaurant is making hockey mask hamburgers to mark the occasion. We meet Diana, a waitress at the restaurant. Duke shows up and tells Diana she knows what she must do. Unfortunately, her boyfriend is the town's sheriff and he puts Duke in jail.

Also at the restaurant is Steven. Steven use to date Diana's daughter Jessica until something that's never explained cause them to break up. Now Jessica is dating Robert and it looks like she and Steven had a kid that he doesn't know about. Jeez. Diana tells Steven to meet up with her to drop some heavy news on him. I already see where this is all going but I'll let it play out.

One the deputies stays behind to watch Diana for some creepy reason but his shift is over, so he meets up with his date. Jason, who's possessing the body of the examiner, kills the date and drags the deputy to some empty house, where he shaves the deputy, then possesses him. I guess Jason doesn't like facial hair.

Now that Jason is in this new body, he goes to Diana's house and tries to kill her. Steven shows up, tries to save her by throwing the deputy out the window. And it's here that I notice this movie either rips off or pays homages to other horror films. Here, we get a "Halloween" rip off when the deputy falls out the second story window and lands face down. But when Steven looks back out...the body's gone! GASP!

And of course the sheriff shows up, finds his girlfriend dead, and pins it on Steven. Steven is thrown in jail and there he meets Duke. Duke tells Steven that Jessica and their daughter are direct relation to Jason and only Jessica can kill Jason. But Jason wants to kill Jessica and the baby before that happens.

You know what's funny? Steven, when he meets the baby for the first time, says he doesn't know it's name. And neither do we. Ever in the movie. I guess that makes all of us the father?

Anyway, Steven escapes from jail and goes to what's called The Voorhee's house. Wait, he has a house in town? Why didn't he ever just stay there? Again, just like Michael Meyers. Oh AND the whole "He has a sister that he's after" angle. This movie LOVES "Halloween".

Did I mention the sheriff's name is Loomis? Yeah...

Anyway at the house, he hears a noise so he goes and hides when Robert shows up. Robert is on the phone (Zach Morris phone FOR THE MOTHERFUCKING WIN!) and of course he explains to the person on the phone his EVIL plan! He's only fucking Jessica to get closer to the whole Jason angle. He even went so far to STEAL Diana's body and hide it in the house so they can find the body when they film some live event the next day.

Holy fuck, dude! You STOLE A BODY?! God damn! I hope Jason possesses you and everyone spends the whole movie shooting you over and over again.

Oh snap, that's exactly what happens.

There's a point where Steven kills Robert in front of Jessica, who doesn't get the whole possession thing so she thinks he did it out of jealousy. When Jessica runs to the police to report Steven, Robert/Jason shows up and try to possess Jessica. She now believes.

Duke, who I forgot about, escapes from jail. Steven and Jessica goes back to the restaurant, where the baby is at. Robert/Jason shows up and we get some pretty cool kills here when he kills almost everybody in the restaurant. Jessica goes to where the baby is and finds that Duke took it and they're at Jason's house.

Jessica arrives at the house where Duke tells her what she must do, even giving her the knife to do the job. She doesn't want to, for some reason. But when Jason shows up in a new possessed body, they try to kill him but she stupidly drops the knife. D'OH!

When the body Jason is in is no longer any good, the heart just says "Fuck this" and decides to look like a giant tad pole. Actually, it looks like a demented sperm. Steven asks Duke if the Voorhees needed to bring Jason back to life has to be alive and he says no. So we get a shot of the sperm going between Diane's legs...


Man, I have a way of finding these weird incest films. Nick Jobe gets the rape films, I get the incest. Fantastic.

Anyway, Jason is fully "reborn" and he looks like himself again. Steven decides to distract Jason while Jessica finds the knife. So Jason had no problem randomly killing strangers, but he just plays around with Steven? He just throws him around, throws harmless stuff at him, and maybe lightly punches him. The fuck, dude? Rip his throat out! Twist his neck! SOMETHING!

But this goes on long enough for Jessica to find the knife and stab Jason. Then we get a light show. Cause all weird spirital films in the early 90's had to have a light show. The ground opens up, demons grab Jason, and soon he does go to hell. At least we have a title.

And we get the famous final scene of Freddy's glove popping up from the ground and grabbing Jason's mask and pulling it down with him. Hm, I wonder where THAT'S gonna go.

So it's weird watching a "Friday the 13th" film that had so much plot and stuff happening. For like 8 movies it's been nothing but slash slash hack kill kill then Jason is stopped in many different ways. This time, they try to explain the whole thing on how Jason never dies (even though EVERYTHING fucking melted away in New York City but whatever) and what it'd take to finally kill him.

Does it work? Not really. I was somewhat bored with the whole thing. I just wanted Jason and some good kills. It's what I expect in a "Friday the 13th" film. If I want elaborate stories with some good kills, I'd watch another horror series like "Hellraiser" "A Nightmare on Elm Street" or some movie John Carpenter wrote and directed. I can't think of the name right now...


Thursday, October 20, 2011

The Soto List: 6 Movies To Watch For A Halloween Party (Adult Version)

So the other day I gave you six awesome movies to watch if you're throwing a Halloween party and kids will be present. The last option on that list was for when the kids are gone. But now let's say you clearly imply you don't want kids there. Maybe you want to get sloppy drunk. Maybe you want to get stripper zombies. Maybe there's gonna be copious amounts of drugs around. Whatever, there are NO KIDS here. And you want to show six awesomely weird, fucked up horror movies.

1. So since this is an adults only party, things are gonna start a bit later. Probably around 7 or 8. You been drinking since maybe 11 that morning. You want to start the night off right but not freak anybody out quite yet. What do you start with?

Many people slam the ending, which I can understand cause if you apply it to the rest of the film, it makes no fucking sense. But there's gonna be some people who never seen this movie and they'll be hooked early on. I say just enjoy it for what it is: an awesome horror movie. That starts off with a chick masturbating. To her female friend. Yep.

2. Someone says to you "I want to see some WEIRD shit" or "Jason, you keep bragging that you have some fucking weird movies. I want to see one now!" You (if your name is Jason) say "Ok, you asked for it." And then you put on:

I don't have words.

3. Now that you showed them what's what, people either want to leave or want something a bit...lighter. It's probably almost midnight at this point, the cocaine just now kicked in, and you saunter up to your awesome DVD collection. After running your fingers across the DVD's you stop at:

This movie is fucking amazing. Again, a perfect midnight movie to watch at a Halloween party with a bunch of drunk coked up adults. It'll take their minds off "Bloodsucking Freaks" and when it's over, they'll be in good spirits again.

4. Then one of them, probably a female, talks about wanting a kid. I blame the booze, but whatever. You go "you want kids, huh?" So you show her this.

Sorry for all the French stuff. Yeah, you'll have to read subtitles but it'll be worth it. In case you don't know or didn't figure it out, "Inside" is about a pregnant chick who gets terrorized by a crazy bitch who wants to cut out the fetus and keep it. Yeah.

5. "YOU KNOW WHAT'S A FUCKED UP MOVIE?!" you scream for no reason, scaring everyone. They look at you kinda weird, especially since you keep chuckling to yourself. "This movie. It's almost 3AM. I can't think of a better time to watch..."


6. The sun is almost up. People want to leave but you deadbolted the door, do one more line of coke, and go "NO! ONE MORE! Then you shall leave! HAHAHAHAHAHA!!!" You should look into where you got this coke. So what's the perfect movie to cap off this awesome night of fucked up terror?


It's about 8 AM, some people have fallen asleep, others snuck out. You are in and out of consciousness. And before you truly pass out for 18 hours, you think to yourself "I had a kickass party. Boobs."

I'm Gonna Defend: My Opinion On Katie Featherston

To gear up for what I'm calling "Paranormal" weekend, I'm gonna dedicate this post to an argument I had with Dylan from "Man I Love Films" about the lead actress in "Paranormal Activity". He takes issue with the fact that I called her "hot" while he says she's "cute with a nice rack". With this in mind, I figured I should explain myself.

When it comes to rating the attractiveness of a female, I go by two standards "Hot" or "Not". Whereas many people (I guess including Dylan) goes by "Hot" "Sorta Hot" "Cute" "Sorta Cute" and "OMG WHO BEAT HER WITH AN UGLY STICK?!". So when I say Katie from "Paranormal" is hot, I mean "She's really fuckable".

Ok, that's probably going a bit too far. But to understand what I mean and my tastes in celebrity women, here's a list of chicks I find "hot":
Jenna "Pam From The Office" Fisher
Katy Perry
Kat Dennings
Aubrey Plaza from "Parks and Rec"
Both Britta and Anne from "Community".
Megan Fox (of course)
The Other Chick from "Jennifer's Body" Amanda something. She was also in "Mamma Mia", which isn't really making me want to watch that movie.

And so on. I could go on for awhile, but you probably got the idea. In conclusion, Katie from "Paranormal Activity" is hot.

Tuesday, October 18, 2011

The Soto List: 6 Movies To Watch At A Halloween Party (Kid Friendly Version)

Some people say "You're the best horror expert ever!" and while I try to remain humble and say thanks, I realize they were talking to someone else behind me and I just got in the way. But I still like to think I know a LITTLE something about horror movies and think I could pick out, say, 6 or 8 horror movies for an awesome scary movie festival at my house.

But here's a catch: Now that I'm in the 30's, I know a lot of people with kids. And as tempting as it is to put in the Facebook Invite (Welcome to the 21st century) NO FUCKING KIDS, most likely they'll bring them along to show off their cute Halloween costumes, which is either gonna be a pumpkin or something not scary at all like a pink bunny.

I can just hear all my female readers go "AWWW!"

Anyway, I need to be smart and pick some good scary movies but with the mindset of kids being around. Let's go!

1. So let's say I want to start the party at around 1PM cause we're gonna be watching a shit-ton of movies. It's early in the afternoon, the food is still cooking/hasn't arrived yet (30 minutes or less my ass) and people isn't interested in hearing my story of meeting Tommy Wiseau again for the 20th time. What do I do?! I pop in:

You got kids, monsters everyone knows, and the movie doesn't nessessarily pander to kids or adults. It's the perfect "family" film, as it were.

2. Ok, now it's around 3 or 4 in the afternoon. If you're doing this on Halloween (or the day your city says it's ok for kids to go trick-or-treating, like the Saturday before) most likely the parents will go take their kids out, or the kids will just roam around themselves. Yeah, they'll be fine. There's no creepy people in my neighborhood...except that guy who lives in that house by himself at the end of the block. He never seems to cut his grass...anyway. Now it's just adults for a little bit, we got two hours but you wanna save the good scary stuff for later at night. What now? I recommend:

Ok, you got the bit of nudity at the end (both male and female) which is why this is the perfect movie to put on while the house is kid-free. Plus, this movie is a must-A MUST-for any good horror movie fest.

3. Now it's around 6 or 7. The kids-or some of them-are back and now they're concerned with the candy. While the parents are checking the candy for anything harmful like razor blades, poison, or candy corn, you all need to watch something together, but the kids are amped up at this point. So let's go with something a bit classic, shall we? How about:

It's kid friendly ENOUGH but still pretty good and the kids will probably find it scary. Plus when the scenes where zombies aren't present, they can focus on opening their candy.

4. Now the kids are all wired on candy and running around. It's nothing but high energy craziness! You need something where you don't have to focus too much on plot and maybe matches the same amount of craziness. Let's go with:

I didn't go with the first one cause it's probably too scary. The second one does have scary moments but it's campy enough to watch with a room full of screaming kids running around, beating each other up with pillows or whatever it is kids do nowadays (probably just run around texting each other on Twitter or some such thing. BAH!)

5. It's close to midnight! The kids have crashed from all the sugar and are sleeping in the other room. Some other people either left cause of all the screaming kids, or the parents are concerned their kids haven't returned yet. So now it's just you and your TRUE horror loving friends left. It's time to get into the shit. And that's when I pull out this movie. I'm going with this cause it looks fucking awesome and it's something not ordinary like "Halloween" or "The Exorcist". And if you come to MY house, you expect to watch at least one cheesy movie. And that movie is:

(I love that this trailer is nothing but the same note of music being played over and over again.) Again, I haven't seen this movie yet but I hear it's awesomely bad. I really can't wait to watch it.

6. Ok it's probably around 1 or 2 in the morning. I'm not tired, I got a few people left. All the parents have left with their kids so we can pretty much watch anything. Since we have one movie left in us, I go to my awesome movie collection and pick out:


As you can see, there's A LOT of tits and overall nudity in this movie. And this movie is laughably bad. It's a good midnight/after midnight movie to watch cause of the nudity and the horrible zombies. I do recommend this movie if you're able to watch a zombie movie that doesn't take itself serious.

And so that's it. There were a bunch others I had in mind but I couldn't really fit them anywhere. I'll probably do another post sometime this week where it is ADULTS ONLY. That should be fun.

Friday, October 14, 2011

How I Met Michael, Freddy, and Jason

With Halloween quickly approaching, and everybody (including people who don't watch horror movies) getting into the horror movie mood, I figured this would be a great time to dive into my past a bit and tell you some of the interesting stories on the first time I ever watched "Halloween", "A Nightmare on Elm Street", and a "Friday the 13th" film. I don't really know how interesting these stories will be, but I promised I'd post more this month, about horror movies and dammit, that's what you're getting. So in no particular order...

This is probably going to seem very strange to you. But the very first time I seen "Halloween" was in school. In the 4th grade. During music class. I dunno what 2011 teaching standards are like now (Nick?) but I guess back in 1989 things were a bit more relaxed. Plus this is fuckin' East Chicago, Indiana, not the "wrong side" of the tracks in L.A. Although it's funny to imagine Morgan Freeman/Michelle Pfeiffer/Edward James Olmos showing a bunch of kids "Halloween".

But anyway, yes we were sitting in our music class in the 4th grade watching "Halloween", which if you don't know why that's shocking, you need to revisit that movie and watch it as an 8 year old. Hell, there's boobs in the first five minutes. Now you are probably asking yourself "Why did a music teacher do this?" Her (yes HER) whole point was to show how music is important in movies and how anytime Michael Meyers came on screen, the music got all scary and dramatic. It's an interesting point and was one hell of a way to introduce me to this movie. What did I think about it back then? I thought it was awesome. Some people didn't like it but that's people from Indiana for you.

A Nightmare on Elm Street
I think I told this story before but I don't remember so here it is again. Again, I was probably a bit too young to be seeing this movie but alas I was 6 years old. Without getting into a huge giant family history, for a year I had to live with my grandparents and my uncle, who was like 12 or 13 at this point. So one night, "A Nightmare on Elm Street" came on and my grandparents were asleep so it was just me and my uncle watching this. Now I should point out that the year I stayed with them, my uncle would terrorize me like an older brother would a younger. So we're watching the movie and he's being oddly silent. Then the movie ends, my grandmother wakes up and tells us to go to bed. Also, me and my uncle shared a bedroom cause it was a two bedroom house. And we had bunk beds. So I was on the top bunk, he was on the bottom (there was a point in my life when I was skinny. It's been about 20 years but I was fucking skinny) and suddenly, my uncle starts making weird demonic noises and then shines a flashlight on the wall and suddenly he has four steak knives in his hands and he keeps saying he was Freddy. I nervously laughed and said quit it until my grandmother yelled at us. And true story, I didn't get a nightmare. Honestly, I never have nightmares. I have fucked up dreams where like my dick turns into a pair of sunglasses but I never woke up in a cold sweat. But anyway, that was the first time I seen "A Nightmare on Elm Street".

Friday the 13th Part 3
Yeah I didn't even start with the first one, where my namesake came from. It was like 1992 or so and I was over at a friends house and it started getting late. I was probably suppose to be home but then a movie called "Friday the 13th Part 3" came on and my friend said "OOH! Jason! It's Jason! We should watch!" I said "Ok, sure" and we watched and it was unbelieveable. If you need a reminder on what happens in that movie, check this out. Or if you want a smart person's perspective, check out James' review. Anyway, I watched the first two but I think they were out of order, then of course I watched Parts 8, 9, and 10/Jason X right when they came out and then my mom told me where she got my name from and I haven't been the same ever since.

So that's it. I dunno if this was interesting. Maybe? Sure. Anyway, look out for a fuckload of movie reviews from me in the next week or so.

The Lair of the Unwanted #22: The Wizard of Oz-ploitation

This month, we are visited by Tom Clift from Movie Reviews by Tom as we talk about two Ozploitation films, movies made in Australia on a cheap budget. The two films we discuss are the spit-tastic "Patrick" and the fucking weird ass film "Body Melt".

Before that though, Jason has two special announcements, Tom discusses his weekly Double Feature game on his blog, and talk about the most Australian thing we've ever done.



Tuesday, October 11, 2011

The Soto List: Top Ten Horror Movies I Want To See

This being the month of Halloween, I thought it'd be fun to give you guys a run down of the Top Ten Horror Movies I Want To See In The Next Year. Just to let you know, some of these titles will probably show up as a review of some sort, so think of this as a preview of the next year.

10. Blood Night: The Legend of Mary Hatchet

As long as it isn't MOLLY Hatchet! The movie features Danielle Harris, who has been in every horror film since the '80s and been in stuff you wouldn't believe. And she's hot. So there's that.

9. Chopping Mall

This was featured on one of my favorite podcasts Outside The Cinema. I've heard of it before but after watching that trailer, I can't wait to see it. It's about killer robots in a mall. How CAN it not be good?

8. Die-ner (Get It?)

Nick Jobe has been trying to get me to watch this movie since he seen it, I dunno, 20 years ago or something. I finally give up and I promise I will in the next year or so. Happy, Nick?

7. The House of The Devil

All my smart horror movie friends go on and on about this movie. I been a bit leary only cause I hear it's 80% set up, which I'm not a huge fan of. But I guess I'll have to break down and check it out. I do like how it looks like an '80s film, right down to the characters wearing those old Walkman's.

6. Return to Sleepaway Camp

I love the first movie, and I haven't seen the sequels yet. From what I hear, this film isn't really related to the others so I could probably just jump ahead. The trailer makes the movie look entertaining enough and I had no idea Issac Hayes was in it. I swear I'll die if he said "Hello Children!"

5. Long Island Cannibal Massacre
There is something resembling a trailer on Youtube, but it's 4 minutes long and I think it gives away the whole damn movie. Not that it matters, cause it looks fucking stupid and awful. But, that's what I do. I guess if anybody asked me what type of movies do I review, I'd direct them to this one. I'd normally be excited about watching this kind of awful movie, but after the debacle that was "Murder Weapon", I've learned to not get too excited and wait till I see the movie.

4. All The Boys Love Mandy Lane

I will find a way to watch this movie this year, if it kills me. KILLS ME!

3. Grave Encounters

ANOTHER found footage movie? Yeah. But this one looks...(shudder).

2. Truth or Dare? A Critical Madness

Again, thanks to Outside The Cinema for exposing me to this one. When I heard their review, I immediately went on Amazon and bought a cheap VHS copy. I haven't watched it yet but I know when I do, it'll be a good time. And this is the best trailer I could find.

1. The Human Centipede 2

Why wouldn't it be my number 1? The plot is pretty interesting, and the black and white angle is different. Why not?

So that's it. Ten completely different horror films (sorta) that I can't wait to watch. What are YOU looking forward to seeing?

Saturday, October 08, 2011

New Review: TerrorVision

Meet The Puttermans! Mom! Dad! Susie! Sherman! Gramps! And their alien monster pet!



Monday, October 03, 2011

This October

In case you didn't know, October is Breast Cancer Awareness Month.

Also, I normally do a month long Blog-A-Thon but the whole Netflix thing kinda fucked that up, so I'm probably gonna just make up for it be doing MORE reviews here on The Blog. Or at least TRY. Plus you have every Thursday at Man, I Love Films to look forward to.

Also, it's my Mom's birthday this month! And without her, you wouldn't have me! So keep that in mind. Yeah!

And also, something awesomely special is going to happen at the end of the month. Actually, TWO awesome special things are probably gonna happen. So stay tuned for that.

Anyway, I'm tired of people telling me what to do. What do you think I should do?

Sunday, October 02, 2011

Why We Need Video Stores Again

Earlier this week, my internet and cable went out for two whole days. Cable I can go without for a couple of days but you fuck with my Internet, be prepared to feel my wrath! Anyway, this left a lot of down time around here. Me, if I lived by myself, I could just immerse myself in my DVD collection for days, hell weeks if I had to. But since I live with a female who simply doesn't understand that it's cool I own a movie where Chuck Norris fights a zombie ("Silent Rage"), I had to turn to other means to entertain her.

So I went to Redbox. I got "Source Code" cause it was the only movie that didn't feature a former wrestler trying to be funny. I get home and turns out she doesn't want to see "Source Code" and by this point my Internet and Cable is turned back on. She goes to catch up on America's Next Top Runway Chef And Pregnant while I catch up on my interwebz. Apparently some major sports related stuff happened.

Anyway, I had to return "Source Code" and I went off to do that. My plan? Walk in to the McDonalds, and simply return it. Instead, I see some crackhead playing around with the screen while behind her was a lady and her kid waiting patiently. The crackhead turned around, said "Oh" and left. So the lady and the kid went up to the screen.

Hoping they wouldn't take forever, I wait patiently behind her. After 10 seconds, a dude walks in sees where I'm standing and proceeds to stand behind me. So to set the scene for you, two guys are simply standing in a McDonald's waiting to use 21st Century technology that YOU THE PEOPLE DEMANDED to return/rent a movie.

You know, people who demanded these Redboxes, there use to be these MAGICAL buildings called "video stores" where there had every movie, new AND old, in existence. And if you just wanted to simply return a movie, all you had to do was walk in, drop the movie in a slot, and leave. You didn't even have to dress up for the occasion.

But no. Now we're stuck standing around a fast food place while some lady and a kid can't make up their mind WHICH movie featuring a wrestler trying to be funny they want to rent. Jesus, are there THAT many? The kid wanted to rent "Insidious" and I said "Yeah, get that! It's good!" The lady shoots me a dirty look and says "NO! NO SCARY MOVIES FOR MY PRECIOUS JONATHAN!" And she proceeds to rent "The Chaperone".

Poor Jonathan.

So this lady is taking FOR FUCKING EVER to pick her damn movies and all I want to do is return this movie that I even didn't get to see. Finally, she's done picking her movies...but now she wants to use promo/coupon codes. Fuck me, man.

I don't get it. I mean why did we as a society let this happen? What's the fucking difference between leaving your house to go to a big building to get a movie and leaving your house to go to some store/fast food place to get a movie? Both scenarios require me putting pants on. Especially when I go into a McDonald's.

Anyway, once the lady was done, I spent all of 5 seconds returning my movie and on the walk home, I remembered the good ol' days when I rented movies from video stores. But I already had that memory. In conclusion: BRING BACK VIDEO STORES! DAMMIT!

Saturday, October 01, 2011

Invasion of the B Movies TV #2: Night Life

In episode 2, a teenager named Archie, who works in a funeral home, pisses off four asshole bullies and they make his life difficult. When the bullies end up getting killed, they still find ways to make his life difficult.

My god, this episode took me FOREVER so I really hope you enjoy it.