Saturday, December 31, 2011

The Soto List: The Top Ten Awesome Things About 2011

So 2011 is about to shut it's door on us and has we move on to the year that'll probably bring the end of the world, I thought this would be a good time to reflect on the year gone by. Sure, why not?

10. I Won My Third LAMMY-If this is the first post you've ever read of mine, The LAMMY's is an award the LAMB (Large Association of Movie Blogs) gives out every year to all it's members. Every year since I been a member I been nominated for "Best Horror/Sci Fi" blog and out of those four years, I won three times. I've been nominated for "Funniest Writer" once or twice but lost to people funnier than me. But this year, I racked up my 3rd win for Best Horror/Sci-Fi and I couldn't have been happier. Next year, I think I'd like to win Best Podcast for The Lair. That'd be awesome! Speaking of The Lair...

9. The Lair of the Unwanted Has Gotten More Awesome By The Episode-I'll be the first to admit the first season of The Lair was shaky at best. The sound was fucking terrible, I have no idea what the fuck I was doing, and I didn't know Nolahn very well so I'm sure the chemistry wasn't there. Now, as it wrapped up Season Two, I think we're firing on all cylinders. Me and Nolahn couldn't be better friends, I figured out how to fix the sound, and I sorta kinda know what I'm doing. And we've had some awesome guests come through. But watch out! Next year, baby!

8. My New Feature-About 10 weeks ago, I started a new feature called "The Netflix Corner" where I spotlight a movie that's on Netflix Instant Watch and then play a game where I give a Netflix-like description about a movie and people have to guess what it is. And in the years past, I've started many reoccurring features that never seem to pan out but this one, man, people took a liking to it. And I'm glad, cause I have fun with it.

7. All The Awesome Stuff I Wrote-This is gonna be the biggest ego-centric entry here. Just a quick look back at some of my favorite posts from the past year.
I reviewed Stacie Ponder's (AKA Final Girl) "Ludlow".
I reviewed "The Bride of Frank" after a friend of my Future Wife's sister kept telling me to.
After a shitty day at work, I watched and reviewed "Cannibal Holocaust".
I wasn't nominated for Most Funniest this year and this was my totally mature response.
31 Things I Learned From Watching Bad Movies
The Troll 2 Drinking Game
I reviewed "Dreamaniac"
Remembrances of Video Stores Gone By
Why We Need Video Stores Again
Me and Nick Jobe wrote an awesome detailed review of "A Serbian Film" for Halloween.
My Shia LaBeouf Post
And finally, my review of "Silent Night, Deadly Night Part 2".

6. I've Met Some New Friends-Thing about naming names is you're most likely bound to forget somebody. I've met a bunch of people this year through podcasts, Twitter, Facebook, and writing for MILF. Oh yeah, speaking of...

5. I Got To Write For Another Website-Earlier this year, Dylan and Kai shocked the blogasphere by announcing they were quitting their perspective blogs, joining forces, and starting a new site together! That ended up being Man, I Love Films. And in the days before they launched, they came up to me and said "We need someone to write awesome horror movie reviews" and when the person they had in mind couldn't do it, they asked if I could do it instead. I jumped in with both feet and I've been grateful ever since. I'm still nervous that I'm gonna fuck something up but it's been a lot of fun. Plus I get to write about GOOD horror movies from time to time. Oh and, uh, you should probably check out the other stuff posted at MILF. I guess.

4. All The Awesome Movies I Watched This Year-Whenever you get to review some of the worst movies that's ever existed, you tend to come across some...less than stellar films. But often among the turds, you'll find a shining diamond. For example, this year I got to watch a movie called "Truth or Dare? A Critical Madness" with some friends and it was seriously the best experience ever. Then I got to introduce "The Room" to someone and it was just great seeing her reaction to it and now she's obsessed with it. I'll say my work here is done.

3. This Awesome Comment Adam Left-As linked aboved, I wrote a post about how I could've prevented Shia LaBeouf from ever happening and about my journey into Project Greenlight. Adam, who sometimes write reviews here, left this awesome comment and I'm gonna post the whole thing here now:
Ugh. I remember Project Greenlight. I had 2 friends; one who swore that he was the next big Hollywood director and another who thought he was a brilliant writer. They wrote a script, which I won't write the title of here because these fuckers probably still google it once a week because they thought it was sooooo awesome they wouldn't shut up about it for 5 years after it was over. For all I know, they're still trying to secure funding for this shit.
Before they submitted their script, they had me read it and give them feedback. My payment for this service was a pack of cigarettes.
Anyway, their script was a ridiculously pretentious vampire "art" movie that had no action, was impossible to follow, and seemed to focus on some asshole vampire (who was too deep for his own good), brooding over whether or not he should turn a particular child into a vampire while sitting on freeway overpasses being sullen. His mother and girlfriend were also vampires and his mother told long, boring stories in a 24 hour coffee shop (this monstrosity was actually written at The Steer) that were supposed to be profound but were just painful to read. (Keep in mind that these assholes began writing this in the late 90's, when an idea this stupid wasn't actually too far off from the shitty vampire movies of our late high school years).

All I know is when I told them the dialogue sucked and that their was no action and nothing at all to draw anybody into the movie, they, of course, told me I just didn't understand their creative genius.
My favorite part of their criticism of my criticism was when the "director" told me that I just didn't understand film noir. Perplexed, I asked if this was some sort of stylized crime drama set in the 40's or 50's, or maybe supposed to be in that style and I just wasn't reading that in their script. He looked at me like I was retarded and said no. He had no idea what film noir was! Not that I have a firm background in it to this day, but you shouldn't throw around names of sub-genres if you are just guessing what they mean by taking French for a semester freshman year. (BTW, this asshole once put you in a lead role in a high school play).
Anyway, from what I remember, they both read the other scripts and gave them low ratings even though there was some supposedly awesome zombie comedy in there that blew their fucking minds. They didn't want to give it a high grade because they didn't want the competition. As you can imagine, their FUCKING AWFUL script got shitty reviews. But, obviously, the people reading it didn't know a thing about film noir.
Then I said it sounded worse than "Twilight" and he responded back with:
From what I can tell, the main difference between Twilight and their vampire movie is that Twilight has a plot and characters. It might be a shitty story with terrible characters, but still. Their movie had virtually no plot. I don't even think the characters had names; like the main guy was VAMPIRE and his mom was MOTHER and the child was THE CHILD. And seriously, virtually nothing happened. I can't stress this point enough. No vampire attacks. No group of intrepid teens hunting the vampires. All the conflict was internal and it wasn't resolved. It was just the main character sitting alone and being morose about his sad existence of sitting alone and being morose. I cannot stress how much I hated this "story."
2. The Awesome Episode of The LAMBcast I Hosted-Also known as "THE BEST EPISODE OF THE LAMBCAST EVER!!" Sometime in August, Dylan said he was too sick or tired or something to host a couple of episodes so I stepped in to host one episode and I decided to do a favorite of mine: Roll Your Own Top 5! And I took this opportunity to bring in Nolahn for this first ever LAMBcast experience. Add James, Tom Clift, and that Sam guy who'll never read this and you have yourself an awesome episode. Seriously, check it out here!

1. All My Readers-Sometimes it feels like I'm not super popular or get a lot of hits. I don't get much feedback and sometimes when I put a poll up, I have to beg people to participate in it. But in the long run, I am grateful to you guys who do take the time out to read it and I should be lucky to even have one person reading all this shit I write. So to you guys, I say thank you very much and of course Happy New Year!

Thursday, December 29, 2011

The Netflix Corner #9

I hope you all had an awesome Christmas. I did. With that lame opening said, let's get to it.

I reviewed this movie for Man, I Love Films this week and it's my recommendation because this movie is strangely awesome. Of course, I'm talking about "New Years Evil".

Now, onto The Netflix Game. I thought for sure we'd have a stumper on our hands, but Steve always surprises me. Here's the current scores:

Rachel, Dylan-3

And here are last week's answers:
Hard: Big guy forgets who he is and thinks he's someone famous.-Santa With Muscles
Medium: This guy just wants to have the best Christmas ever! Dammit!-National Lampoon's Christmas Vacation
Easy: He needs to learn his lesson in time for Christmas. (Only taking ONE answer for this one.)-Scrooged

And here ya go:

Hard: A guy sets out to make a movie about another guy, but that guy decides to make a movie about him instead.
Medium: A married couple has some unexpected guests in their house and need the help of a strange guy to get rid of them.
Easy: Kinda like "Hamlet" but set in a jungle.

There ya go! Have fun!

Tuesday, December 27, 2011

I Battled A Royale!

If for some strange reason, you're not familiar with The Demented Podcast, it's a bi-weekly podcast by Nick Jobe and Steve Honeywell. They talk about two movies in a genre, then play this really hard but fun game at the end. I did so well on my episode that I was invited back in their big tournament called The Battle Royale. Give a listen before reading what I have to say about my appearance:

So did you listen? The fuck is the matter with me? All I can say is I got caught up in everything and got way too fucking cocky (or penis-y) and just fucked up. You have NO IDEA how awful I felt. And I fuckin' knew the answer but no! But oh well. It was still a lot of fun and I'll be back on their show next season. Hopefully I'll do better.


Saturday, December 24, 2011

A Yearly Holiday Tradition

I didn't film a new Christmas special this year so I'll just re-show you last years special. It's still pretty good if you ask me.

Anyway, Merry Christmas!

Thursday, December 22, 2011

2012 Will Be My Year...And YOURS!!

So 2012 is literally a week away (or so) and there's all kinds of neat nifty things I'd like to accomplish before the world ends in December. One of them is to make The Lair of the Unwanted a Top 10 LAMB Podcast AND win a LAMMY. But while I work on all that, I decided it's time to give back to my readers. And how do I do that?


Yes, it's Reader Recommendation time again! And this time it's gonna be a doozy. I'm gonna give you guys TWENTY (20) movies and the top 10 votes I will review. I posted links to the trailers to some of the movies, if you needed a clue on what they were. After watching some of them, I have some movies I hope will win, but this is all up to you guys, the reader!

Starship Troopers
The Dentist
Deadtime Stories Part 1 and 2
Simon Says (not Simon Sez)
Visiting Hours
The Evolved
Make A Wish
Long Kiss Goodnight

I will allow for multiple votes so you can vote for whichever ones you want. I will keep it open until New Years Eve and on New Years Day I will tally up the votes and announce which 10 movies I will be reviewing in January. Fun? Yes. Ready? 


The Netflix Corner #8

Merry Christmas! So this Netflix Recommendation is probably cheating, but it's a annual Holiday tradition here in this household, where we watch "Mystery Science Theater 3000: 521-Santa Claus". Probably my favorite Christmas TV show episode ever.

But onto The Netflix Game! Dan came back after guessing the hard option and MIGHT have a shot of taking Nick down. Maybe. Here's your updated scores:

Rachel, Dylan-3

Last week's answers:
Hard: Two men go searching for a new Santa Claus.-Ernest Saves Christmas
Medium: A lovable drunk guy helps out a kid.-Bad Santa
Easy: Two best friends go searching for a Christmas tree. Misadventure ensues.-A Very Harold and Kumar
3-D Christmas

Alright, I hope this week's isn't too hard for you. Good luck!

Hard: Big guy forgets who he is and thinks he's someone famous.
Medium: This guy just wants to have the best Christmas ever! Dammit!
Easy: He needs to learn his lesson in time for Christmas. (Only taking ONE answer for this one.)

Have fun!

Tuesday, December 20, 2011

Festive Up In This Bitch!

It's officially December 20th, which means Christmas is soon at hand. I don't know what the weather is like around you (probably nice, since 80% of the people I know live out west where it's fucking 75° all year long) but here, instead of cold and snow, it's been around 50° and raining. If I wanted a depressing wet Christmas, I'd move to Seattle.

BOOM! Insulted Seattle. Cross that off my bucket list.

But anyway, it won't be a white Christmas but it's still Christmas. And I need help getting into the Christmas spirit that doesn't involve Christmas songs about Jesus, Santa, or creepy date rape songs. So why not read some movie reviews of Christmas movies? Yeah? Sweet!

I already linked to Dope's awesome review of "Silent Night, Deadly Night Part 2" yesterday...but it bears repeating.

Nolahn reviewed the REMAKE of "Black Christmas", which starred a lot of hot chicks. SPOILER ALERT FOR THURSDAY: I will be reviewing the original at Man, I Love Films.

Over at, he reviewed the often forgotten '80s horror movie "Elves". Oh "Elves". You weird wonderful fucking movie.

Emily at Deadly Doll's House watched a Tori Spelling movie. That in itself is amazing, but the movie she reviewed is called "A Carol Christmas". Three guess on what the fuck the movie is a retelling of. Yeah.

Over at Man, I Love Films, Wayne from "Reel Whore" reviews "Die Hard". What? It's a Christmas movie!

And finally, I'm not sure if you're aware of this but since I closed down The Site, I been slowly transferring all those reviews to Blogger. I've started a separate blog to host them. I have them linked up above where it says "Archive" but if you wanna read all my old Christmas reviews here they are:

Silent Night, Deadly Night (Mass Invasion)
Santa Claus (Mass Invasion)
Jack Frost
Santa's Slay
The Star Wars Holiday Special
Santa and the Ice Cream Bunny

And that'll do it! I hope you all have a Merry Christmas and whatever else you may celebrate!


Merry Christmas From Blogger!

"Oh crap!" I thought one fine day in December in Indianapolis, Indiana, the home of the Super Bowl, as EVERYTHING IN THIS GOD DAMN TOWN KEEPS TELLING ME, "I forgot to include a link to The Great White Dope's awesome review of 'Silent Night, Deadly Night Part 2' in my 900th post wherein I reviewed said movie. I know! I'll just make a new post about it! That'll be easier!"

As I foolishly thought this thought, I went to my Dashboard and clicked on "New Post" and as I was about to write something funny, clever, and possibly witty, I noticed something. "The fuck?" I said outloud, to nobody besides all these stuffed animals that I pretend talk in awesome videos I make for the Internet. It's a wonder nobody tried to have me committed yet. "Why does the post look different...where's the link?! Where's Compose AND the HTML buttons? THE FUCK!?!" I then calmed down and decided to take to said Internet. Surely, my fellow Blogger friends will tell me they're having the same problem. I leave a status on Facebook asking people to tell me if they are having the same problem with Blogger, and sit back and wait for thousand upon thousand of replies saying "No, Jason, you awesome handsome devil you! It's only you!" or "Yes, Jason you really cool guy that I'd love to hang out with all the time, I too am having the problem!"

Sadly, none of those comments came. So either I'm going insane or the entire world is. Both seem possible at this point. So I decide to wait it out.

Chapter 2: The Next Day

It is now the next day. I go to New Post and...nope. Nothing. Son of a fucking bitch!

Chapter 3: Another Day Goes By

 Day three. Check again. Nope! Chuck Testa! I decide to mess around with it. I did recently change my layout, maybe it had something to do with that? I go to the LAMB, which DID NOT change and...nope. It's gone from there too. FUCK! Now what? Suddenly, what do my wandering eyes see? "Switch to New Blogger Interface". Oh Blogger, if this was a ploy to get me to try the new interface, I'm gonna get SOOOO mad and-

Chapter Four: Guess What? It Was A Ploy

FUCK YOU, BLOGGER!!! You can't make me! You can't make me!! "But if you want to include links, or change the HTML in your posts, or do anything else, you're gonna have to!" Blogger said, in a rather sleazy tone. I knew if Blogger could talk, it'd sound like Ron Jeremy. Ugh. So fine. I guess I have to use this god damn awful Interface that's confusing and hard to understand. shows me traffic? Ok, I kinda like that. I guess. Anyway, thanks for the gift, Blogger.

And now for what I was trying to do in the first place: The Great White Dope wrote an awesome review of "Silent Night Deadly Night Part 2" and you really should check it out if you didn't like my review of it. And frankly, my review was more of a fanboy look at it, while Dope's was more of a critical smart guy look at it. I think Dope has an IQ of like 498. Maybe he can tell me how to fix this Blogger interface thing.

Thursday, December 15, 2011

The Netflix Corner #7

In a film that seems to have people split, I'm gonna have to go with:

I had so much fun watching this movie. I have to wonder if the people who didn't like this movie took it too seriously? I mean, I'm sure they didn't. But it's an awful lot of fun. Weird characters, strange situations, fuckin' Rutger Hauer! I mean, what more do you need, man??

Onto The Netflix Game! Last week we had some new players! I'm always glad to see that. Let's see how the scores look:

Rachel, Dylan-3
Dan, Steve-1

Last weeks answers:
Hard: A kid gets a Christmas gift that immediately causes a whole bunch of trouble.-Gremlins
Medium: An out of towner messes up a robbery.-Die Hard
Easy: An angry person ruins a towns Christmas. Maybe.-How The Grinch Stole Christmas

Here's this week's clues. Have fun!

Hard: Two men go searching for a new Santa Claus.
Medium: A lovable drunk guy helps out a kid.
Easy: Two best friends go searching for a Christmas tree. Misadventure ensues.

Good luck!

The Lair of the Unwanted #24: Something Something Beach Party

In this episode, Jason and Nolahn take on two beach movies...sort of. Movies covered are "Dr. Goldfoot and the Bikini Machine" and "Surf Nazis Must Die". Also we come clean about our favorite movie scene on a beach and so much more. Well, not too much more.

Silent Night, Deadly Night Part 2

So this right here is my 900th post. I knew I had to make it something special so why not devote it to the most AWESOME Christmas movie I've ever seen. Why this movie isn't played for 24 hours on a loop on some channel I'll never know. In fact...I KNOW WHAT I'M DOING THIS CHRISTMAS!!!!!!

Anyway, "Silent Night, Deadly Night Part 2".

This is probably going to more about talking about the movie than reviewing it. This movie does hold a special place in my heart. I've talking about it non-stop. I've shown it to friends. So it's time I dive into the history of this movie. While talking about it.

First off, if you haven't seen the first movie, DO NOT WORRY! The people behind SNDN2 (as the kids say) got you covered. The first 45 minutes flashback to all the events of the first movie. The flashback is being presented by Ricky, the younger brother of Billy from the first movie. Don't think too much about how he knows all this stuff despite being only a baby AND not being there. Maybe he read a lot of newspaper articles and police reports.

The first time I seen this movie, it was like 1998 or 1999. My friend Bill had a shit ton of movies he and his Mom got from a video store that was closing and this was one of them. I guess he watched it before showing it to me cause he was super excited to have me watch it. And as we were watching it, I said "yes, this is a mighty fine film." And I was grateful for all the unneeded flashback stuff.

Anyway, after the flashback of the first movie, we focus on Ricky and his problems. His story is he was sent to many foster homes trying to adjust cause he kept having problems with nuns and the color red. Hmm...I wonder why?

Here's the thing about this movie. The first movie was about Billy and his problems of Santa Claus raping his mother and killing his parents and feeling the need to punish bad people, no matter what your definition of "bad" is. But here, Ricky actually kills people that kinda deserved it. Like his first kill was in a field somewhere and a couple is out having a picnic. Soon, the guy starts getting fresh with the girl and tries to rape her. She manages to stop him in time. Realizing he's not getting any, the guy walks away. And Ricky runs him over with a car.

Then there's the scene where Ricky kills some mafia goon guy who looks like Al Bundy in an alley. I was kinda rootin' for Ricky. I should mention that Ricky is played by Eric Freeman. Everyone here knows how ape shit I went over him but honestly, he's the best actor in the world.

When me and Bill watched it, we kept quoting all his lines non-stop. He just has a way of saying shit. Such simple things like "I had to GET a JOB!!!" and "RED CAR! GOOD POINT!" You need to see it to get it. And I'll be happy to show it to you.

Eventually, Ricky falls in love with a girl named Jennifer and he's happy for a long time. He still has a temper, like in a hilarious scene in a movie theater where Ricky kills some loud mouth asshole who keeps talking through the movie. Oh and get this. The movie they're seeing? Is about a guy who dresses up as Santa and kills everybody.


I've lost count how many times I've seen this movie. Every time I watch it, I see something different in it. It's why I'm kinda bummed the DVD is not easy to find. But my friend Bill gave me the VHS copy he got and I'm proud to have it. Ah, hard to find movies on VHS.

Jennifer's ex-boyfriend, who looks like David Bowie at odd angles, shows up to bug her. Ricky isn't too happy to see him so he kills him. And this kicks off the most hilarious killing spree ever. You've probably seen one part of it but here, in it's entire glory, is the ENTIRE killing spree.

God, I love that. I was surprised, when I discovered the internet, the whole GARBAGE DAY! thing became a popular meme. Sometimes, I love the internet.

So this is why Ricky is now in jail. He kills his doctor/shrink/lawyer whoever he was talking to and simply walks out of jail. Alrighty. He decides to hunt down Mother Superior, who caused him and his brother so much trouble growing up. And Mother Superior must've had a stroke OVER a fryer cause her ENTIRE face is like melted off. Anyway, Ricky shows up dressed as Santa (of course, it's a sequel to a guy-dressed-as-Santa-killing-people movie) and, well, kills Mother Superior. Yay!!

There's an ambiguous ending whether or not Ricky is killed by the cops. Judging from what I heard about parts 3-5, it doesn't really matter. Maybe one day...

Obviously, the best part about this movie is Eric Freeman. If you watched that clip up above, you'll see why. His acting, his eyebrows, his voice. Needs to be seen to be believed. And if you're still not convinced, come over to my house and I'll make you watch this movie.


And so the countdown begins! 100 more posts until 1000! WOW!

Tuesday, December 13, 2011

The Soto List: Really?! Edition

I don't normally do mainstream stuff here but I do watch a fair amount of mainstream stuff in my "off" time. But 2011 seemed to be a lackluster year for movies, even for me. There's been a shitload of movies that I looked at the trailer and said "Yeah...not even I would touch that". "Jack and Jill" immediately come to mind. (Can't wait to read Nick's awesome DVD review of THAT!)

Along with the stuff I've seen and all the crap, are movies that I saw and went "well that looks stupid/lame/not very good" and then all of a sudden, people start losing their shit over it! And I sit back and go "really?! THAT'S good?! Are you sure?" cause I'm convinced it's one big conspiracy to trick me to watch horrible movies that I wouldn't normally watch. What movies am I talking about?

5. Transformer 3: Something Something Dark Side of The Moon
The first two movies are the biggest pieces of shit movies that I've ever seen. Part 2 the worst. So when the trailer for part 3 came out, I rolled my eyes, said a loud "ugh" and went home and urinated on my voodoo doll of Michael Bay. Then the movie came out and people were like "DUDE! This actually good!" It's got a 6.4 out of 10 on IMDb (this is why I don't use Rotten Tomatoes for stuff like this, part 3 has 35%, part 1 has 50%, but part 2 has 24%. I don't...whatever.) and all my online friends, who I NORMALLY listen to, said "no really, it's not that bad." I'm sorry, I refuse to believe that. And I was planning on skipping the third one because the first two fucking suck royal cock AND because it doesn't have Megan Fox, the only reason I barely tolerated the first two to begin with. But, because of YOU GUYS, I will have to give this a watch. But my expectations are low!

4. Rise of The Planets of The Apes
I saw the trailer for this and said "that looks fucking stupid" and "why was this made?" I mean do people REALLY care how the apes took over? Isn't it enough the apes took over eventually? And wouldn't this just mean the first hour and 20 minutes is just people says "oh apes will never take over the world" and the last 10 minutes going "oh shit they totally CAN take over the world. My bad." But then the movie came out and everybody wouldn't shut up about it. The funny thing is, people were surprised. I refuse to believe this movie is really as good as everyone makes it out to be.

3. Drive
I was like "this looks like a boring remake of 'The Transporter' and...fucking Ryan Gosling? He's not an action guy? The hell? Fuck this movie." Then it came out and, holy fucking hell jesus christ I'm out of motherfucking curse words because everybody wouldn't shut the fuck up about this movie. I watched the trailer again and said "well, maybe there's more in the movie than the trailer is letting on" which is a good thing. But the trailer didn't make me want to watch it. It looked boring as fuck. And Ryan Gosling? I mean....FUCKING RYAN GOSLING?!?

2. Crazy Stupid Love
This is a famous argument I got into on The LAMBcast some months ago. We had to watch this trailer and talk about it. I watched it and said "eh, I don't do romantic dramas" and everybody said "WHAT?! It's a comedy!!! It's "40-Year-Old Virgin"! What do you mean "romantic drama"?! Convinced I watched the wrong trailer again, I said "Um, the one with Steve Carrell? He's divorced? He's trying to get back into the dating scene?" Yes, THAT movie. Ok...where the fuck is the comedy in that? How is that ANYTHING like "40-Year-Old Virgin"? Seriously, I think everybody is just fucking with me at this point. I still refuse to watch this because, again, I DON'T DO ROMANTIC DRAMAS! AND it's got Ryan Gosling in it. Case closed.

1. Fast Five
NO! NO! NO! NO! NO! I FUCKING REFUSE TO BELIEVE THIS MOVIE IS GOOD!!! The first movie FUCKING BLOWS! There shouldn't have been a sequel, let alone GOD DAMN FOUR of them, AND it's the 5th one in the series that people love?! The fuck kind of sense does that make!! NO! I'm sorry, everybody. You HAVE to be wrong about this. There is NO FUCKING WAY this is good. Fuck THAT shit!

So there you have it. Those are my 5 movies from 2011 that I can't believe people like. I'm sure there's some more smaller ones but these were the ones that sprung to mind. And if you took offense to anything on this list, well, sorry pal. You're gonna have to convince me otherwise.

Friday, December 09, 2011

R.I.P 2005-2011

And the website is officially gone. Turns out I have to wait until after the 12th to repurchase the dotcom name because I didn't go through their complicated transfer process. I'm fine with that. So just a reminder, if you have my dotcom name, change it to here for now. Or just leave it. Whatever.

Meanwhile, I will be working on transferring all the reviews to the Archive. It's gonna take awhile cause I have over 150 reviews. Plus all the "Date My Mom" stuff, shorts, and whatever else I had.

Anyway, to anyone who did go there, thanks. I hope you stick with me here at the blog, cause I will be doing more reviews. Honestly. Why you looking at me like that?

Thursday, December 08, 2011

The Netflix Corner #6

Howdy all! This week's movie recommendation is gonna be a favorite '80s movie of mine. And that's gonna be "House".

No, not the TV show. OR the weird Japanese film. The film starring William Katt AND Norm from "Cheers". AND Bull from "Night Court". If only Alan Thicke made an appearance. Anyway, if you haven't seen "House" check it out!

With that done, time for The Netflix Game! I can't believe no one got the hard one last week. I didn't think it was THAT hard. Anyway, here's your scores and answers.

Dan, Steve-1

Hard: In order to prove himself, this guy must do dangerous things.-Hot Rod
Medium: A man is sent into a prison to look for a very important person.-Escape From New York
Easy: An inexperienced man tries to have sex. Hilarity ensues.-40-Year-Old Virgin

And this week:
Hard: A kid gets a Christmas gift that immediately causes a whole bunch of trouble.
Medium: An out of towner messes up a robbery.
Easy: An angry person ruins a towns Christmas. Maybe.

Good luck!

Monday, December 05, 2011

A Memorial To Remember

Here's a trivia track for you:
-Movie references: "Easy A", "Heathers", "The Sixth Sense", and "Silent Night, Deadly Night Part 2". (Not the garbage day scene.)
-The picture of me was from a set of pics I took when I was working on a book a few years ago. They are of me in front of my movie collection.
-I actually know the words to the first two songs because I hear them EVERY! SINGLE! DAY at work. The third is just one of my favorite songs.
-The angles used to film me are all from Cokie's Point of View. Which is why it's so low.
-The song used at the beginning is "I Hope You Die" by The Bloodhound Gang.

That's it. I'll have more still this week, leading up to the final day of the website on Thursday. So stay tuned!

Friday, December 02, 2011

The Prince of Pennsylvania

This is one of those movies I don't know what to do with. It's not bad enough to watch at a bad movie party. It's not good enough for everybody to have seen. It's not hilariously bad to make people watch. It's just simply...there. And I own it. On VHS. As a screener. I didn't even know this movie was released until I did some research and saw Roger Ebert did a review of it, and it's available on DVD through Netflix. But I figured I'd at least talk a bit about it.

Let's go back to 1988. Or 1989. Whatever. I was either 8 or 9. And I had a cousin who worked in a video store. As a result, she'd bring home all these screener tapes of movies that were coming out on video. Most of them were popular, like "Rain Man" and some weren't. Like "Prince of Pennsylvania". And for WHATEVER reason, she decided to give me "Prince of Pennsylvania".

I remembering being confused by it as a 9-year-old but what did I care? It was a free movie. I was happy! Since then, I've rediscovered it about 3 or 4 times. It sits in my VHS collection today but again, I don't ever plan on showing it to people. So just to get it out of the way, here's what this movie is about.

It stars Keanu Reeves. Yeah, how about that? You know who else is in this movie? Fred Ward! And Bonnie Bedelia (Mrs. John McClane)! What a cast, huh? Ok so Keanu is the teenage son of Fred Ward and Bonnie Bedelia. He doesn't go to school. He steals. He spends his time in a junkyard taking things. And he likes fucking an older woman.

Not much else happens. Bonnie Bedelia ends up cheating on Fred Ward with his friend (kinda like the "The Room" but with less football playing). Fred Ward and his friend work in a coal mine and they end up trapped in the mine for 16 hours. Because they thought they were gonna die, the friend confesses to the affair...but then they survive. Awkwaaard!

There is one funny moment in the movie when Fred Ward gets home and confronts the wife. He has an epic meltdown and starts yelling about all the things he bought her, including the VCR. She claims she didn't want a VCR, so he yells, pulls it out of the wall, runs outside, and throws it into a pool. It's really the only reason to watch this movie.

So despite the movie starring Keanu and he looks like this:

the movie doesn't focus too much on him. That is, until he realizes his dad sold some valuable land and is hiding the money. So Keanu and his older girlfriend decide to kidnap the father and have him tell them where the money is. But this is Fred Ward, so he doesn't give in that easily.

To get him to talk, Keanu takes Fred Ward back to the mine and threatens to blow it up if he doesn't tell him where the money it. It's revealed to be hidden inside a locked port-a-potty. Then there's a 20 minute chase scene down the mine, before it blows up and they think the older girlfriend is dead.

The movie more or less simply ends with Keanu walking down a hallway, cuffed to a refrigerator door. It's...not worth explaining. But that's it. That's "Prince of Pennsylvania". Sounds interesting, doesn't it?

Not really. It could've been funnier. Or more interesting. Or something. Not even Keanu sounding like a surfer in Pennsylvania could save this. I say don't bother watching it. But will I ever give up my copy? Probably not.


Thursday, December 01, 2011

The Netflix Corner #5

Oh my god, this movie is on Instant Watch! Now NOBODY has an excuse to not watch this! I'm of course talking about motherfuckin' "Lone Wolf McQuade"!

It's well documented all over the internet how much I fuckin' LOVE this movie. It should be declared the National Movie of America, it's so badass. So that is my choice for this week's Instant Watch.

Now onto The Netflix Game. I really wish more people would participate. Well, let's see how this week goes. But first, last weeks answers and scores:


Hard: America declares war on another country after the country does something offensive.-South Park: Bigger, Longer, and Uncut
Medium: A guy is called to help save a girl who's acting really strange.-The Last Exoricsm
Easy: A group of people must solve a murder that could be one of three solutions.-Clue

Ok, here's this weeks. Good luck!

Hard: In order to prove himself, this guy must do dangerous things.
Medium: A man is sent into a prison to look for a very important person.
Easy: An inexperienced man tries to have sex. Hilarity ensues.

That's it. Have fun!