Oh..."The Boogens". I've heard about this movie but never knew what it was about. It's not super hard to find but it's not the easiest. I guess you have to know the right people? Or know where to get it? We'll go with that. Anyway, the thing that caught my eye was seeing the video in the video store and it had a quote from Stephen King saying he recommended this movie "cheerfully". Alrighty then.
The film starts off with some newspaper clippings about miners in the late 1800's and early 1900's and how they find gold up in those hills but soon "something" happened, there was a cave-in, and soon the mine closed. Fast forward to the present, which I'm guessing is the early '80s and two dudes decide to open the mine after all these years. They hire Roger and Mark to help out with this. Here's what you need to you know about Roger:
He's horny. Super horny. Horny, horny, horny. He LOVES sex. Sex, sex, sex. Holy fuck, sex.
Here's what you need to know about Mark:
He's a nice guy. He doesn't have a girlfriend. That's about it.
Thankfully Roger has a girlfriend named Jessica, who knows a girl named Trish. According to Roger, Trish has nice tits and would be PERFECT for Mark. Jessica has a dog named Tiger who's easily the best character in this movie and-
What? What's that? I'm not talking about the plot of the movie or what The Boogens are or what the mine has anything to do with anything? That's because THIS FUCKING MOVIE BOMBARDS US WITH THESE PEOPLE'S LIVES FOR 45 MINUTES!!! Seriously! I actually got to know these people TOO well! Some horror movies you connect with the characters so you can feel for them, but that's after about 20 minutes. I felt like I actually lived with these people! Jeez!
Something sorta happens when a woman who's renting a house to our main characters shows up to get the house set for them. She roams around the basement where I'm sure something scary lurked but it was so damn dark I couldn't see. Anyway, she gets attacked by....something.
Meanwhile Roger wants sex. I'm surprised there wasn't a glory hole scene. Maybe in the director's cut.
Jessica and Trish move into the house and while they get settled, the guys come home. Mark meets Trish, at least her ass. Aw, I wanna see if she has nice tits. Anyway, Roger practically rapes Jessica in front of everybody. Everybody finds this charming and leaves them alone.
Meanwhile, nothing much happens for 30 minutes. There's an old man who's roaming around but he doesn't talk and nobody seems to see him. The dog is interesting as he's left alone in the house while clearly SOMETHING is in the house. But oddly enough, the dog survives.
The gang goes out for dinner, then to a bar to meet up with the two main miner dudes. The miners want Mark to go to another city to pick up some maps and lend him their truck. Mark goes back home to sleep for a bit before leaving but can't cause his bed is bad and-
WHAT THE FUCK DOES THIS HAVE TO DO WITH ANYTHING??!?!? WOULD SOMETHING HAPPEN ALREADY!!!!
So FINALLY, whatever is in the basement attacks Mark and he too vanishes. The next day, everyone thinks Mark is gone and they go about their day. UGH!!! Let's just jump to the end shall we?
So what's a boogen? I guess they're these weird shell-less turtles with tentacles that can eat people? I guess. They eventually eat the dog, then attack and kill Jessica. The old guy turns out to be the son of a guy who survived the mine collapse in the 1900's and has set out to keep the boogens trapped in the mine, but then the miners came and let them out. So now the old guy is going to blow everything up but a boogen comes and eats him.
It's up to Mark and Trish to....run away? Sure. The house explodes but I'll be damned if I know why. They showed some liquid that could be gas but there was no spark or flame so....I dunno. Anyway, Mark and Trish goes into the mine tunnels where some boogens are waiting and attack. One of the miners shows up to tell them how to get out until he's killed by a boogen. Mark and Trish make it out, blow up the mine, and...that's it. The end.
THAT'S IT! Not even a twist ending?! JEEZ!
So clearly I love this movie! Ok no. It's slow, boring, nothing happens, the monster attacks are few and far in between and....HOLY FUCK! This is like "The Descent"! I wonder...oh well. Anyway, this movie should stay buried. And Stephen King, I never thought I'd ever say this but...FUCK YOU!
Oh and Trish's tits were ok looking.