Friday, December 21, 2012

2012


So today is the day the world is suppose to end. I don't know if I should bother writing this review since no one will be able to read it. I could print it out and then arrange a time at a public place to read this review. Let's say...top of the Sears Tower at 2 PM Central Time! Deal? Deal!

HELLO FELLOW PEOPLE WHO HAVE SURVIVED THE END OF THE WORLD WITH ME! How's it hanging? You get here ok? I bet you WISH you had Apple Maps now, huh? Anyway, we are gathered here today at my new living quarters, which I will rename The Soto Tower to hear one of the last few reviews I will ever write! This, my servants friends, is the review of the documentary "2012" and how the world has ended.

This documentary stars a man named John Cusack, who is indeed a popular man. He has time traveled, been a emo poet, and owned a record shop, just to name a few of his previous journeys. And apparently his contract states he must get soaking wet in EVERY movie he ever does. Before meeting John, we meet some scientist guys all the way in 2009 who discovered the Earth's crust is starting to melt away into nothingness. One of the scientists, Adrian, realizes they have three years to do something about that.

Adrian tells Oliver Platt about this and Oliver Platt suddenly sees dollar signs and decides to design what he calls "arks" and charge $1 billion (in Euros for some weird reason....why the fuck in Euros? I never understood this...) to reserve a spot in this "ark". Meanwhile some Chinese people are selected to build the ark.

Now, my friends, we are in present day, 2012. In fact, if I remember correct, at this point in the film it was just a few days ago and we meet John Cusack, who apparently was also a failed writer. He now drives limos, is divorced because he thought it was a good idea to marry Amanda Peet (has he not seen the classic documentary "Saving Silverman"? If he did, he would learn how big of a bitch she is), and he is late to picking up his two kids.

The two kids have grown more attached to their new step-father Gordon because...he's not a failed writer? Because he's a plastic surgeon? Yeah, that's a positive role model.

"My dad writes books that makes people think and question their morality and gives them positive attitudes? Fuck that! THIS GUY GIVES FAKE BOOBIES TO SLUTS!!!! WOO!!!!"

Anyway, John Cusack picks up his kids and they drive to Yellowstone National Park to meet Yogi Bear, Boo Boo, and Woody Harrelson. Woody, who smoked too much hemp, loves pickles and talks on a Ham Radio about the end of the world. John listened to this and laughed it off...until he discovered a lake has dried up and a bunch of military guys have taken it over.

Adrian is leading these military guys and he happens to be a HUGE fan of John Cusack! After signing autographs on DVD's of "Better Off Dead" and "One Crazy Summer", Adrian lets him leave. After this encounter, John decides to listen to what Woody has to say about the world ending. Since we here have survived what happened, I won't go into extreme-

Oh, you're not sure what happened? Ok, I'll explain quickly. Then get back to carving my throne out of this gold I got from Fort Knox.

So there was this enlignment of all the planets that happens every 64,000 years and this enlignment, along with other stuff that I'm too tired to remember right now will cause the Earth to freak out and cause total destruction. That's why I chose The Soto Tower to live and have this meeting because it's the only place NOT covered in lava.

Anyway, John laughed this off and went back home with his kids. Meanwhile the Earth was like "Laugh at me, huh?! I'll make Amanda Peet jiggle!" And lo' it did. The kids are back home and John is late picking up some rich Russians. The government got word that the end of the world is happening NOW GOD DAMMIT NOW and placed the call for all people who bought their way onto arks to start boarding. This includes this Russian family.

Some other things to mention: Danny Glover is president and Thandie Newton is his daughter. And you know Thandie and Adrian are gonna hook up at some point. Even if he is the last man on Earth. BOOM! Nailed it.

(At this point, all my followers should be laughing at this obviously hilarious joke.)

John finds out the Russians are heading to the ark and remembering what Woody said earlier, he realizes maybe it wasn't the hemp talking. Soon, a giant Earthquake hits California and John moves into action! He drives a limo like it's a fucking souped up sports cars to Amanda Peet's house, picks up his family and Gordon, and does a "Vanishing Point" to the airport, where a plane is waiting.

The pilot John hired died in the Earthquake so he makes Gordon fly cause breast implants is sort of the same like flying if you squint your eyes and think about it. And despite Gordon saying he only flew once, he flies like he played a flight simulator on a hand held gaming device and there are MOTHERFUCKING SNAKES ON THIS MOTHERFUCKING PLANE!!

Anyway, they fly to Yellowstone, which apparently has an airfield, and John finds Woody, totally high off his ass. The Earthquake hits Yellowstone, John finds a map where all the arks are being built and after a twenty minute action sequence where John JUMPS A FUCKING RV LIKE A SOUPED UP RACE CAR OVER A FUCKING CANYON, they fly away.

Where do they fly? VEGAS BABY!!

There, they meet up with the Russians who agree to take John and his family if they let Gordon co-pilot this plane the Russians have. Where are they going? CHINA BABY!!

Meanwhile Oliver Platt acts like a douche but at the same time you kinda see his point in things. The movie tries WAY to hard to make him a villain by insisting all the people chosen for the ark are smart good looking people....who just happen to be rich.

Ok, let's be real for a minute. Who do you think the government picked to save when the end of the world happened earlier today? The smart good looking people...who happen to be rich. That's why we're all here. For every rich nation there has to be the lower class citizens. I mean look at history. Just look at it. Why should the end of the world be any different than all of history?

Plus, Oliver Platt mentioned that the money given to them to buy a way onto the ark was used...to build the ark! That makes sense!! If someone told me "hey Jason there's going to be NICE house you can live in...but you have to give me a million dollars so we can build it for you" I would be like "Here's an extra million I looted from the bank earlier today. BUILD IT SLAVE!!"

What are you waiting for? I mean....

On this Russian plane is a bunch of 2013 cars that the Russian had made only for him. Show off. I now OWN the tallest building in Chicago....or what USE to be the tallest building...in what use to be Chicago...Anyway.

There's several touching moments where John wants to get back with Amanda Peet and try to win his kids love back but until John puts silicone into Kim Kardashian's boobs, they'll just stick their middle fingers at him.

Update: President Danny Glover died while saving regular people. Adrian, Thandie Newton, and Oliver Platt are now arriving at the arks. Adrian is pissed off that there's no "regular" people on this ark and he hates his room. Whatever, dude. I have a whole tower.

Now I know how Nick Jobe feels.

The Russians fly to China but their engines shut down because why not? They crash land but during a weird sequence involving one of the cars everyone but the Russian pilot survives. This grabs the attention of some Chinese military who only take the Russian dude and his kids. He leaves behind his Russian skank because she cheated on him with the pilot.

Anyone here Russian? I could go for a Russian skank right now? No? Hm.

Anyway, the rest roam around China for a bit until they come across a Tibetan monk and his grandparents. Apparently the monk's brother helped build the arks and they're gonna sneak on. John and Amanda begs them to tag along, then begs the brother to let them on. Of course they get on the ark, it's John Cusack and Amanda Peet! AND A PLASTIC SURGEON!! OMG!!!

This movie was already 89 million hours long and they just extended the running time by inventing a problem to drag out the last 20 minutes. While sneaking on the ark, the monk's brother causes something to fall into a gear, which jams a door, which causes the ark's engine not to turn on. Adrian gives his own version of the "THIS IS OUR...INDEPENDENCE DAY!" speech and convinces the other arks to let regular people on the arks ALONG with the rich good looking smart people.

Oh shit..we totally could've been on those boats. FUCK!

Oh well, Soto Tower it is!

So the door won't close, water is rushing in, and of course it's up to John Cusack to save the day. They manage to fix the jam and save what's left of humanity. A month later, they're able to walk outside for the first time and find out the only country that survived this whole thing? Africa. I...don't know what this means. I'm sure it's suppose to be symbolic or something. OH! And the Russian family re-introduce Communism by telling the other kids "what's ours is yours too!" I know this COULD be called "sharing" but....c'mon! That's too much of a coincidence, don't ya think?!

Anyway, the world is fucked and this long ass movie finally comes to a closed. I know people seem to give Roland Emmerich shit for making these kind of movies but you have to admit, they are dumb fun. I don't watch these movies to think or look for Oscar worthy performances. I KNOW the London Olympics don't happen in December but just shut up, ok?! I just want to be entertained for awhile. Is that so wrong? Sure, this movie is LOADED with problems and is pretty stupid. But it's a fun ride and it's great to look at.

So anyway, now that the world has ended and I am now your new king, what say you all make me dinner? I'm hungry for...pizza! Give me the finest pizza! CHOP CHOP!!



-King Jason Soto,
New Ruler of The World

2 comments:

Nolahn said...

Top shelf, Sire.

Shane said...

We're not worthy...