Sunday, April 29, 2012

Shark Attack Blog-A-Thon(g): Shark Night


So I'm gonna declare right now that this is going to be the last of the shark movies for awhile. I'm getting kinda tired of them and I think I need to review other things. I'll probably come back to them at the end of summer (we'll see) so to close us out for Spring, let's take a look at last summer's "blockbuster" "Shark Night", which was in 3-D.

This movie not only stars Joel David Moore, an actor who needs to fire his agent STAT!, but also singing sensation Katherine McPhee! Yeah, I'm not even kidding about that. I have no idea why she's in this movie honestly. Her character didn't sing. She was pretty much a giant slut though. So maybe that had something to do with it.


Well, the movie starts off like a slasher movie. A douchey couple is alone in the water at some lake when we get a "homage" to "Jaws" when the girl is violently shaken (or is it shook?) then eventually dies. No word on what happened to the guy but who cares! It's time to meet our cast!

There's the black guy who's name was stereotypical black guy name like Jamal or something. There's Sarah, the ever delicate girl who hasn't been with a guy yet, Jamal's girlfriend who is in two scenes, the hunky nerd, and the hunky nerd's friend played by Joel David Moore. The hunky nerd is Mark or Nick or something bland and white like that and honestly, no nerd ever looks like this. It's like casting Ryan Gosling as a nerd.

Anyway, Nerdy Mark helped Jamal pass a test so they're gonna celebrate by going to Sarah's beach house. Where's this beach house? SO FUCKING FAR AWAY IT TAKES THEM 15 MINUTES OF MOVIE TIME TO GET THERE! We get a shot of the truck driving down the highway, then it stops at a gas station where we meet Tucker and Dale.

No wait, sorry. We meet Red and Dennis, two locals who decide to pick on Jamal for the obvious reasons. But apparently Sarah and Dennis has a history and they leave without lynching anybody. Then they get to a pier where they're greeted by Sheriff Donal Logue. I guess he's friends with Sarah too and thinks her drinking while driving a boat is hilarious.

Then we get the late '80s/early '90s montage of the gang having fun at the beach house, on this lake, that you can only get back and forth from on a boat, oh and for good measure cell phones don't work out here and they never thought about putting a land line or maybe a FUCKING CB RADIO IN THE GOD DAMN HOUSE!

Jamal decides to go water skiing when a shark decides to show up and chomp on him. Everyone thinks Nerdy Mark ran him over, which I can see cause when you're on a lake you don't expect sharks, I suppose.  And for whatever reason, the shark only bites off his arm and swims away. And it doesn't even eat the arm! Mark finds it later so what the fuck was the point of that?

Thank god Mark is a med student because otherwise Jamal would die. Actually, what would've happened if Mark wasn't there? Would Joel David Moore just try to tape it back on his body with duct tape and continue playing beer pong with Katherine McPhee? Would Jamal's girlfriend who is so unimportant that when she died everyone just kinda shrugged their shoulders actually be important to the story? Maybe SHE was a med student who dropped out and would remember something. OH! Or she watched a lot of "Grey's Anatomy" while masturbating to McDreamy or whatever and picked up something in between orgasms?

Maybe?

Sorry, I'm just writing a better movie in my head. Back to this shitfest.

They all get on the boat to get help but the shark starts chasing them and soon knocks out the motor, which causes the boat to lose control. Mark, Sarah, and Jamal all jump out of the boat just in time to watch it explode before it actually touched anything. So that took care of that. What's left?

Well, a boat just happens to come along later in the night (the SHARK NIGHT if you will) and hey look, it's the two rednecks from earlier, Red and Dennis. They seem suddenly sympathetic to Jamal's problem and offer to take Katherine McPhee and Joel David Moore to the sheriff for help. But then A TWIST!! In the middle of the lake, the rednecks turn the boat off and reveal THEY raised the sharks themselves! A-WHA?!?!?!

Now why would they do that? It's explained later and when I tell you, you're gonna want to stab your computer screens. Blind people, if you have someone reading my reviews to you, please don't take it out on them. And I'm sorry, person reading things to the blind person, for all the horrible things you had to say in the past.

So Dennis shoots Joel David Moore and he's able to swim to safety for a moment until a shark JUMPS OUT OF THE WATER to eat him. Yeah... Next, Red and Dennis make Katherine McPhee get naked. Oh fuck me, this is rated PG-13 so we only see her in her underwear. Ugh. Well, it was still nice to look at. OH! And Katherine McPhee managed to hide a knife earlier and manages to stab Red but he totally plays off being stabbed like "PFFT! I can't be stabbed, American Idol bitch!" and throws her in the shark infested waters.

Jamal finds out about the death of his unimportant girlfriend and in a scene that made me call my black girlfriend into the room, had Jamal standing on the shore HOLDING A SPEAR! Yeah, neither one of us knew what to say about that. But she pointed out to me that Jamal was just hiding his bitten arm under his shirt and it was CLEARLY OBVIOUS so that was also good for a laugh.


When Jamal passes out, one of Sarah's friends comes up with the bright idea to strap him to a water ski and go get help. Mid-way through, Jamal looks behind him and finds sharks following them. Realizing life kinda sucks now, he unstraps himself and gets eaten by the sharks. And then one of the sharks just randomly jumps out of the water and eats the guy. I really don't think sharks jump out and eat people on jet skis but whatever.

Ok so Sheriff Donal Logue shows up and instantly I said "He's in on the shark thing, he's on the shark thing, he's in on the shark thing" and wouldn't ya know it, he's in on the shark thing! He knocks Sarah, Nerdy Mark, and Sarah's dog and takes them to the boat. OH! And it's revealed that Sarah use to go out with Dennis before leaving for college and on the day before she left, she almost drowned and as a result a propeller landed in Dennis' face, scaring him forever or some shit like that.

So naturally, Dennis wants to kill Sarah while Sheriff Donal Logue gets to kill Mark. But not before he tells him why they bought sharks to this lake. Person reading my reviews to the blind, get ready to defend yourself. There are cameras strapped to the sharks, yes all of them, and these three geniuses decide to take the footage of sharks eating people and sell them to the Discovery Channel for Shark Week.

That's it. That's what's going on here. That's the WHOLE FUCKING REASON THIS MOVIE is happening to begin with: so these three assholes can be on Shark Week!! FUCK IT blind people, start beating your readers. Sorry, readers.

First off, I doubt the Discovery Channel is going to air people's murders. I know they show people ALMOST dying a lot, especially during shark week, but actual people getting eaten? And then it's not that easy to get on Shark Week. Most of the people on Shark Week are shark experts OR shark victims OR sometimes both! So what the fuck?

Well, Mark manages to escape from Sheriff Donal Logue by setting him on fire then feeding him to the sharks, Dennis covers Sarah in chum and puts her in the water, and when Mark shows up to save Sarah, Dennis accidentally stabs Red. OH NOW knives effect him. Jesus. The ending's just whatever, you know Mark saves Sarah and the shark eats Dennis in an ironic twist and to further showcase how fucking retarded this movie is, the shark jumps out of the water one last time.

And that's "Shark Night". It's laughable at times but not enough to make it worth watching. It's just stupid, annoying, and a giant waste of time. I feel sorry for people who paid to see this in 3-D cause it was just a waste of money. Even the stuff that's worth seeing in 3-D couldn't save this movie. Just dumb and avoid at all costs.



-Jason
(PS: My apologizes if the guy's name wasn't Jamal. I honestly couldn't remember and it was more offensively stereotypical than that.)

Thursday, April 26, 2012

The Post In Which I Guess How Nick Jobe Will React

So if you don't know, for some reason, Mr. Nicholas Jobe over at Random Ramblings of a Demented Doorknob, is in the middle of his 50/50 where he asked people to suggest movies for him to watch. Coming up in May, it'll be my month! I got excited and gave Nick my list of movies and now that it's coming up next week, I can't wait! But anytime I suggested a movie to Nick, I tend to oversell it and he ends going "Meh" and gets pissed off at me. So I'm not gonna say anything to Nick about any of the movies.

At least to him. Instead, I'll try to figure it out in this post and at the end of the month, see if I'm right! And hopefully Nick will resist the urge to read this until the end of the month so he too can see if I'm right.

First up, he'll be taking on "The Re-Animator".

Why I Think Nick Will Like It: He LOVES zombie films and this is a fucking awesome zombie film. But...
Why I Think Nick WON'T Like It: He seems to only like traditional zombie films and this isn't a traditional zombie film. In fact, he told me he hates "Return of the Living Dead" only because the zombies talk. And in this movie, the zombies talk but they do a WHOLE lot more. So maybe all the craziness will win Nick over.
My Verdict: He'll like it but have problems with it.

Next: "Lone Wolf McQuade"

Why I Think Nick Will Like It: He likes dumb action films, at least most of the time. And it's really ridiculous.
Why I Think Nick WON'T Like It: I'm not sure if he's seen a Chuck Norris film before and if he knows how stupid they can be. Plus as much as I love Nick like a brother, he does have the problem of not turning his brain off at times and this is a movie you don't need a brain for. BUT! There's the one awesome scene that I won't describe in case Nick does read this that I think he'll go "Oh ok, this movie is awesome".
My Verdict: This will have the middle of the road rating, which will upset me cause it's fucking Chuck Norris vs David Carradine! C'mon!

"Monster Squad"

Why I Think Nick Will Like It: It's good goofy fun.
Why I Think Nick WON'T Like It: I think I made a mistake actually. You actually need to see this movie when you're a kid, then forget about it for 20 years, then rediscover it as an adult. It's more of a nostalgic film than anything else and Nick won't have that factor cause, well, he didn't see it. Watching this movie for the first time as an adult is probably going to be tricky. But again, he'll probably surprise me.
My Verdict: Gut feeling tells me he'll hate it but we'll see.

"Escape From New York"

Why I Think Nick Will Like It: It's fucking Kurt Russell as a bad ass! This is the epitome of a bad ass motherfucking movie. If he hates this movie, he has problems.
Why I Think Nick WON'T Like It: Due to everybody telling him "YOU NEED TO SEE THIS MOVIE NOW!!!" and having the overhype-ness running around in his brain.
My Verdict: He'll probably have to watch it again. I know he hates those words.

"Friday the 13th Part 6: Jason Lives"

Why I Think Nick Will Like It: It's fucking goofy as hell! It's unlike any other "Friday the 13th" film that even if he hates the series, he should love this movie.
Why I Think Nick WON'T Like It: He better like it! God damn it!
My Verdict: BEST MOVIE EVER!!!

Ok, those are my guesses. We'll see how he does at the end of the month. In the meantime, I was on the newest episode of The Demented Podcast where we talked about "Scream" and "Behind The Mask: The Rise of Leslie Vernon" and I attempted The Tower again. I'm just gonna tell you now, I fucking SUCKED at  The Tower, but you can go here and try to find the episode.

ALSO! As you know, I was on The Vlog, so Nick got all of us "actors" together to do commentary on the overall series and it was a fucking load of fun. You can listen to the craziness here.
-Jason

Tuesday, April 24, 2012

The Lair of the Unwanted #31: Trollin' For Fun



In this episode of The Lair of the Unwanted, Jason and Nolahn bring on Lindsay and Jess from French Toast Sunday to talk about a fan favorite "Troll 2". Then they take on The Game of the Unwanted! OOH!!!

Wednesday, April 18, 2012

Shark Attack Blog-A-Thon(g): Sharktopus


Oh...Roger Corman. How I love thee. You been making movies since the 1950's and you don't show any signs of slowing down. And I love how that name is so popular that I shouldn't have to explain who the man is. He's so famous that regular smucks who want to make, say, a giant shark/octopus movie go to him for tips on how to make it under budget. Cause really, who's gonna give a movie about a hybrid shark/octopus ANY money? Syfy? PFFT!!

Anyway. "Sharktopus".

Film starts in L.A as a bunch of hot people run around a beach. Two girls are arguing over texting while on the beach. One girl gives up and goes into the water. Many gratuitous shots of girl getting wet when we see....a regular shark. Oh. Maybe it's gonna fuck an octopus and-

Oh no. The sharktopus, or S-11 as it's called in the movie, appears, kills the shark, giving the hot girl enough time to get back to land. We find out S-11 was created by Eric Roberts and his hot daughter Nicole. They created it for the Navy as a way to chase bad guys in International waters. But it's not suppose to kill anyone just hunt them and scare them a bit.

But Eric Roberts said "fuck that shit! I'm Eric Roberts!" and redesigned the sharktopus to KILL! KILL! KILL!!!!! So needless to say, it breaks loose. Eric Roberts wants the creature back and will do ANYTHING to get it back ALIVE! So he hires this guy named Andy who use to work for him back in the day. But Andy demanded he actually gets paid to work so Eric Roberts fired him. Blah! Eric Roberts only hires slaves! Don't you know anything?

(God if anyone ever Googles "Eric Roberts slave" I'm gonna be a hit!)

Anyway, they send for Andy, who's partying it up in a pool with some babes. They tell him S-11 is out and Andy is like "give me half a million dollars and I'm in!" Meanwhile, the Navy wants Eric Roberts to hurry the hell up and capture the thing before it kills too many people and word gets around that the Navy let a creature loose.

We then meet Stacy, a hot reporter chick and her camera guy Bones. Stacy is looking for this guy named, I dunno, Drunky, who reported the sharktopus to her and now she's here to get her story. Drunky tells her everything she wants to know after Stacy made it rain. I'm not even kidding, she did a total "dude in a strip club" move when she was giving Drunky money.

In between these scenes, we get shots of the sharktopus killing random people, mainly on beaches and mainly while dangling from somewhere like a bungee cord and a zip line. And for whatever reason, Eric Roberts said "fuck this" and spends the rest of the movie on a yacht, just talking to Nicole on the phone while the movie turns into "24".

The following takes places between "chomp" and "gulp".

Nicole uses her laptop to track the S-11 and it doesn't do any fucking good cause she's always like "I lost the signal!" then it pops up behind them. One of Andy's friends gets killed by the sharktopus and he loses his mind and decides it's time to kill the fucker.

While Drunky takes Stacy to where he found the sharktopus, Stacy decides all of a sudden she doesn't believe in sharktopus'. WAIT! Then why the fuck are you there?!? Well, she believes again when it pops up, attacks some people on a beach, and then later eats Drunky.

We also meet Captain Jack, a DJ who opened his own radio station on his boat. He's played by Ralph Garman, if you know who that is. I guess it's super easy to start your own radio station. And he's got a hot producer chick who wears a bikini. She tells Jack about the sharktopus but he doesn't believe her until he gets eaten by it. NO! Who's Kevin Smith gonna tour with now?!

Eric Roberts just keeps getting drunk on his yacht, which I'm sure wasn't originally in the movie but y'know it's Eric Roberts, what the fuck you gonna do? When he finds out Andy is gonna kill the S-11, he goes to find Andy to stop him. But sadly, the sharktopus kills him. Before he dies, he tells Nicole how to kill the sharktopus, which involves some weird techy thing inside it's brain.

So all our "main" characters meet up finally and they team up to stop the sharktopus. But then the movie did something I wasn't expecting. It kills Bones and then Stacy! I was like "WOW!" we spent a lot of time with these people and they just die right here at the end?? AMAZING!

Andy manages to shoot the sharktopus and distract it while Nicole figures out Eric Robert's password. Try "booze"! That's probably it!! It's not, but you know what it is cause it's what he's been calling Nicole the entire movie: pumpkin. Yeah, he's one of THOSE fathers!

Anyway, the sharktopus explodes and that's it. Oh, there are two meta moments in the movie, one involving Jack and one at the end here. The one with Jack has him telling his hot producer chick that the whole "sharktopus" would make a great movie and it should be about a former researcher/Navy SEAL hired to track it down. And the one at the end is about the ending of the movie. It's kinda weird but awesome.

So this movie isn't anything special but holy fuck is it a lot of fun! It's really bad. I mean REALLY bad. It's full of corny lines, and Andy has a lot of scenes where he goes "DAMN YOU SHARKTOPUS!!" and everything. It's funny. I only wish this wasn't made for TV cause it could've used some nudity and some "fucks" or "motherfuckers" in there. But other than that, I say check this out sometime! It's fun!



And Nolahn of the Bargain Bin Review was nice enough to do a review of "Deep Blue Sea" for his site. I waited too long to post it and I apologize to him but now here it is in it's full glory!
-Jason

Pull Up A Chair, I Got Loads To Tell You

Hi. Remember me? Jason? I run this place? Yeah, I been gone for awhile. Sorry about that. You know how it is when the kids get older and you have an extra bedroom in your house and you don't know what to do with it, so you try different things. Maybe a den? How about an exercise room? A kinky sex dungeon? You know how that's like right? Well my reason for not being around is nothing like that. I don't even have kids. That I know of anyway.

Anyway here's what's been going on in my little corner of the world.

-Where are all the fucking shark movies? I been reviewing shark movies lately, then I suddenly stopped. What the hell? Well, let's just say "life" and "my job" and "the mob" got in the way. So I didn't have time to watch any movies, sadly. But I will be fixing this soon! This week in fact! Maybe the day after this is posted! Yeah!! And if your name is Nolahn and you're wondering when I'm gonna link to your review, I will do it in one of those shark posts! Promise!

-The Netflix Game has moved! It got sick of being around here and decided to branch out so more people can play. So every Saturday over at The LAMB, you can play it. And I've expanded it to compensate for the bigger audience.

(I pre-apologize for all the caps but seriously...)
-AHHHH!! I WANT TO FUCKING MOVE TO AUSTIN, TEXAS RIGHT FUCKING NOW!! LOOK AT THIS SHIT JUST LOOK AT THIS SHIT AHHHH AHHHH AAHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Is that NOT fucking awesome???

-Speaking of The LAMB, it's time to pick the next Movie of the Month and there's this weird champions thing going on, which is kinda like "Thunderdome", where we all have to root for a movie and beg people to vote for our movie. I picked "Frozen" cause it's a pretty mainstream awesome flick. It's doing really good but I need more votes, dammit!! So go here, vote for "Frozen", and do so every day until Saturday the 21st. To those of you reading this way later in the future, tell me what the lottery numbers are so I can play them now. And hoverboards, do they exist yet?
(I bet people wanted me to use a "Hunger Games" reference but whatever.)

-You know that show "Soap" from the '70's and early '80s? Well, I started watching that show from the beginning and I've gotten super into it. It's fucking hilarious! I wish more sit-coms were like that. And it's a pretty clever way to ensure your show gets picked up, end it on a cliffhanger so people would WANT to see what happened next. And I'm probably gonna regret saying this but back then on "Soap" Katherine Helmond kinda had it going on. In a MILF-y kinda way.


What the fuck was I even talking about? I dunno, here's a list:
10. Requiem For A Dream
9. Eternal Sunshine For The Spotless Mind
8. Benny and Joon
7. One Flew Over The Cuckoo's Nest
6. The Adventures of Ford Fairlane
5. Alice's Restaurant
4. All About Steve
3. A Hard Day's Night
2. IQ. Hey! I have an idea for a movie! What if Albert Einstein had a grandson...AND HE WAS IN LOVE! How would Einstein solve THAT problem?!
1. Boss Nigger

Oh, you know what would be awesome? If there was a movie where Albert Einstein invented a time machine and went forward in time. I dunno what he'd do. Maybe get Yahoo Serious to do it. I mean what is he doing lately? Maybe Tom Clift knows.

Anyway, I'm done. More reviews are coming later.
Hugs and kisses!
-Jason

Friday, April 06, 2012

Jason's Awesome DVD Shelf #1

Yes, I'm gonna try another video series. But this one should be easier. I explain everything in the video so check it out.



-Jason

Thursday, April 05, 2012

The Lair of the Unwanted #30: That '70s Exploitation Show



In this episode of The Lair of the Unwanted, Jason and Nolahn discuss a film.

Monday, April 02, 2012

HA HA! Fooled You!


So did you get it? I'm thinking many of you didn't get the awesome hilarious April Fool's prank that I pulled yesterday. To tell you what it was, let's take it back to the beginning, when I came up with the idea. Back in late February.

Every April 1st, I do some kind of joke or prank here at Invasion of the B-Movies, whether it's pretend to review a "good" movie or make you think the website is down. While thinking about it, I was looking at other websites and I came across James' website Cinema Sights and it hit me. So I hit back. After that was done, I emailed James and told him my plan. He LOVED the idea and said "let's do it!"

The plan was simple. Basically on that day we'd swap reviews. He would watch and review a movie that he normally reviews, which are usually artsy classic films, and I'd do the same but the movies I normally cover here, which....aren't artsy or classic by any means. The different genres of movies plus the different writing styles would make for a HILARIOUS prank on our readers. I'm sure James' readers would be like "MY WORD! What is this filth! I DARE SAY!!" while adjusting their monocles. And my readers would be like "FUCKIN' DUDE, YO!! You be reviewin' some WEIRD shit, dude!! WTF?!?!?!?!?"

Sadly, what ended up happening was...nothing really. Honestly, I have no idea if you guys got the joke or not. In a way, I kinda hope you didn't cause that'd be funny but lack of comments or mentioning it (save for two people, thanks Steve and Dave) didn't really tell me if it worked or not. I emailed James last night telling him I don't think it worked and he agreed. We both still think it's funny and had fun with the idea. But now we're gonna take the reviews down and post them in their proper place. So in case you weren't aware, my review of "Long Island Cannibal Massacre" will be up sometime later today.

With that said, I hope you all had a great April 1st and hopefully your pranks didn't involve dying. As a special thanks, I leave you with this:



-Jason