Tuesday, November 27, 2012

The Killing of Satan

There comes a time in every bad movie reviewers life where you hear about a movie so fucking insane you say to yourself "I must, for better or for worse watch this movie" and no matter what you must go through, you MUST watch this movie.

I searched far and wide for this movie. I traveled across many continents in hope that somebody SOMEWHERE would be able to tell me how I can get this thing. After many many months of dead ends and bad deals gone wrong and untrustworthy people, I got a solid lead! I found a old hermit who lives in Regina, Saskatchewan, Canada, in a cave no less, and he listened to my plea as I describe this crazy movie. He nodded intently and spoke three words that forever changed my life:

"It's on Netflix".

God dammit.

Long story short "The Killing of Satan"! It's a 1983 Philippines film where the man character is named Lando. I so badly tried to make Star Wars comparisons but I only got so far as another character happened to be named Ben and they just point their hands at things and magic happens. Sadly, nothing looked like a Death Star nor did the villain have a breathing problem.

The start of the film prepares you for the crazy ass ride you're in for when Uncle Miguel and his followers (I'll explain in a minute) meet up with a fabulous looking guy named The Prince of Magic to fight or some such thing but The Prince of Magic is....the prince of magic. And as a result he causes Uncle Miguel's head to spin around! It's the Linda Blair exercise tape! (More like EXORCISE TAPE AMIRITE?!?!?!?!)

This doesn't really kill him because Uncle Miguel possess Special God Powers! From God! Yeah! But it can cause Uncle Miguel to be out of commission, so he calls for his Nephew Lando!!

I swear to god I'm gonna dress as Lando for Halloween next year. I can so pull it off.

FYI: Lando is the Denim God on the left.
Lando just got out of prison for killing some dude but now the dude's brother wants revenge!! The dude's brother shows up one night and a gun fight ensues. Lando's son David is killed and Lando is shot in the head! His wife starts freaking out but here's the twist! Lando didn't die! Instead Uncle Miguel somehow took the bullet to the brain and dies. But while Lando was dead or something, he had a unique vision of Miguel running from a falling styrofoam boulder then getting run over by the boulder. Does this kill Miguel? Not really, it squashes his entire body like a tank ran him over but it left his head intact.

Wow. Anyway, this vision and sudden miracle that he and his family seem to blow off makes him want to visit Uncle Miguel and apparently when you're from the Philippines you get your own island and traveling to said island is a bitch! Especially when the helicopter filming the overhead scenes causes tsunamis.

Lando eventually arrives at Uncle Miguel's island where he meets a mute kid named Nino (quite literal with the translation there, huh?) and Nino takes Lando and his family (wife and daughter of undetermined age) to Uncle Miguel's cottage. There, Lando learns about Miguel's death, how Miguel was a cult leader, and that Lando now possesses the Magical Left Hand of GOD!!!!! AH, I see, it's a propaganda film for left handed people. RIGHT HANDED PEOPLE RULE, LEFT HANDED PEOPLE DROOL!!!!

And Lando gets a sidekick who's name I didn't catch (sorry) so I'll just call him Robin. Robin tells Lando that he must go row out to the middle of the ocean, find the decomposing body of Uncle Miguel, and learn more about the Magical Left Hand of God! Lando does so and instead of meeting Uncle Miguel, he meets Jason Voorhees! Or it looked like him anyway.

While this is happening, The Prince of Magic shows up on the island and takes Lando's daughter and some other chick that I didn't bother to learn her name hostage. Lando and Robin show up right as they row away.  So now it's up to Lando and Robin to get them back!!

And they do. The end!

No, I'm just kidding. I need to tell you how crazy this fucking movie gets. Plus it's called "The Killing of Satan" and I haven't even mentioned Satan yet. Let's do this!

Lando and Robin arrive on The Prince of Magic's island and they try to find an entrance to the Cave of The Prince of Magic And Maybe Satan Is There Too We Don't Know Yet. While that's happening, The Prince of Magic takes Lando's daughter to a cage where a small group of naked girls is just chillin'. Apparently, The Prince of Magic does this often. He puts the daughter in the cage and takes Nameless Chick to another part of the cave where I guess he rapes her. We don't really see it, so don't worry. But I'm sure he does.

Lando and Robin finally enter the cave and they split up, where they do battle with The Prince of Magic's henchmen, who can transform into snakes!! And sometimes dogs!! And there's two SUPER hot chicks who transform into cats!! Me-ow!! Robin manages to find Nameless Chick but now she's a BRIDE OF...The Prince of Magic. Hm. Doesn't have the same ring to it. Anyway, she rips Robin's face off and he stares at Nameless Chick's tits until her heart explodes. I'm not kidding about anything I just said.

Lando somehow ends up outside the cave (GOOD JOB LANDO) and finds an old lady stuck under a rock. OH SHIT IT'S THE PHILIPPINES VERSION OF "128 HOURS"! Anyway, Lando frees the old lady and she wants to thank him by taking him home and having him bone his super hot daughters. SPOILER ALERT the old lady and the daughters all work for The Prince of Magic and.....SATAN!!

So how does Satan fit into all this? Uh....he wants to marry a girl...hence all the kidnapped naked girls in a cage...but he's gonna settle for Lando's daughter because....yeah. Anyway, Lando is then visited by Nino and his Father, who is suppose to be God. Anyway, God gives him a stick to fight Satan. That's it. A stick. I would've said "Uh...how about some AWESOME super powers! Like lighting bolts or my fingers shoots bullets!" But no. Lando gets a stick. THANKS GOD!!!

Anyway, now that Robin and Nameless Chick is dead, Lando must fight Satan and The Prince of Magic alone. He manages to kill The Prince of Magic easily enough but Satan is a tough bastard! Satan, who looks SUPER fabulous, shows up and it looks like Lando is getting his ass handed to him because he only has a stick and Satan is, well, SATAN! But randomly Lando gets the upper hand and yes Satan is killed. Where does Satan go when he dies? Heaven? Is god like "Nope, you ain't going back to Hell. I will let you in. MU HAHAHAHAHAHA!!!" It's all weird.

Lando finds his daughter and they get back to the island, where another tsunami shows up but everything is ok this time and the movie ends. Wait, now that Satan is dead...does this mean God officially has NOTHING to do?! Will God retire?!? We need a sequel called "The Boredom of God".

Speaking of boredom, this movie was anything BUT boring. It's fucking wacky as shit, man. I don't even know if I did it justice or not. You just need to see it. It's amazing. Of course the acting wasn't the best and the special effects was pffft but the story is something else, man. You need to see it to believe it.


The Lair of the Unwanted #45: Something Jello Something Something Kodak Film

This time around Jason and Nolahn welcome returning guest and world traveler Tom Clift from Movie Reviews By Tom Clift as they discuss the Bill Cosby Opus "Leonard Part 6". But first, a bit about Tom's travels and finally Tom takes on The Game of the Unwanted!

Tuesday, November 20, 2012

The Lair of the Unwanted #44: The Importance of Being Earnest

It's time to go old school on your ass! Jason and Nolahn decide to take on a film from the Master of the B-Movies himself Roger Corman called "It Conquered The World" starring Peter Graves and Lee Van Cleef. But first, they force you to go to their websites and they Come Clean about what exactly is conquering the world.

The Task

This poster is far creepier than the entire movie, just letting you know right now.

I don't know how many people remember the MTV show "Fear". It came on around 2000-2001 and it was a horror reality show. A group of people get locked into a supposedly haunted place, normally a prison or insane asylum, and they have to spend the night there while doing these missions. If they all survived the night, they get $5000 or something.

"The Task" is pretty much a movie version of that. Except THERE'S A REAL GHOST WHOA-OH!!!!!

We start off with Dixon, the SUPER stereotypical black guy. How stereotypical? He's listening to rap music! He says words like "yo" and "dawg" and "shiiiit naw"! He says people tell him he looks like Will Smith or Obama! WOW I'm not even black and I'm offended. Anyway, Dixon (I'm surprised his name wasn't Jamal or Lamar or T'Quan or something) is walking down the street when he's grabbed and put into a van full of scared people wearing pig masks.

During the LONG ASS OPENING CREDITS (I hate movies that have long ass movie credits) the van drives the pig mask wearing people to the SPOOKY prison outside of town that's haunted by the old Warden. You probably already know the Warden did horrible things to the inmates and was a bad person and blah blah blah. Yeah, typical.

Like I said, the set up is the same as "Fear". These people are locked in a prison for a night and they have to do certain tasks. If they do the tasks and "survive" they win a gazillion dollars. Or some such amount of money. Who's our contestants?

-There's the brother and sister team Stanton (the guy) and Angel (the girl, who I thought was very very fucking cute, but I seem to like my women tough so who knows).
-The future starlet who calls herself Shoe who wants to be an actress and swears the camera loves her.
-Toni, a super duper smart chick.
-Randall, the SUPER FLAMING GAY guy. I will talk about him in a minute.
-Dixon of course

You'll never guess who the over the top gay guy is in this picture.

"Oh no! I haven't said a black stereotype in two minutes. Uh...YO HOMIE! WORD! Phew..."

So Randall. Much like Dixon, he's such an offensive stereotype that I'm not gay and I was offended. He wore fashionable scarves, walked with his hands in a dainty position, and kept saying things like "I haven't gone STRAIGHT in a long time" or "I thought coming out of the closet was hard" and of course "DO IT GIRLFRIEND!!" If my TV didn't cost over $200 I would've punched the living fuck out of it.

Behind the scenes there's producer Connie, who's one tough broad and the guys controlling all the cameras along with the special effects Snow, Big Daddy, and...some other guy who didn't get a name. Why did Big Daddy get a name but not him?! The hell. And there's the host Taylor, who's your typical scumbag host. So Connie is calling the shots and the contestants go into the prison to start their Task!

The first task involves Randall going to a cell, lighting a candle, and saying The Lords Prayer backwards to invoke the spirit of the Warden. I will say, The Lords Prayer backwards is creepy sounding. Here it is forward if you're not familiar. I don't wanna risk bad voodoo by posting it backwards.

Our Father in heaven,
hallowed be your name.
Your Kingdom come, 
your will be done, 
on earth as in heaven
Give us today our daily bread.
Forgive us our sins,
as we forgive those who sin against us. 
Lead us not into temptation, 
but deliver us from evil. 
For the kingdom, 
the power and the glory are yours. 
Now and for ever.

Yeah. So....

Next task Dixon has to go into a literal shit hole and just lay there. Ewwww.....

Alright at this point, my patience was wearing off and I was waiting for SOMETHING to happen. Don't get me wrong, I was a fan of the show "Fear" so I wanted to know what was gonna happen, but knowing that the REAL ghost was gonna show up eventually was making my antsy. Or it could've been that ant farm I broke last week. Either way.

So yes the ghost of the Warden shows up and locks Dixon in the shit hole. Connie is like "What the fuck? He's not part of the show!" then thinks the network running the show is pulling a prank on her and decides to play along.

Eventually, the others get involved. Toni is strapped to a chair in a gas chamber, both Randall and Shoe have to eat a raw steak (WHAT, RANDALL DIDN'T SAY MMMMM I LOVE HAVING MEAT SLIDING DOWN MY THROAT!!! Sorry, I'm just bitter...), and Dixon....is still in a shit hole. The only one not doing anything is Angel, who just spends the entire movie in the Warden's office (the safe spot if you will).

At this point it becomes your standard haunted place movie. The Warden shows up to each person one by one and kills them. He kills Toni, Shoe, Randall, and Dixon. Connie realizes the network had nothing to do with any of this and pulls the plug to get them out of there BUT IT'S TOO LATE!!! LE GASP!!!!

Stanton gets hung upside down and cut open, causing his blood and guts to spill out, while a gaggle of inmate ghosts come running to the smell of fresh guts. AHH! Just like Momma use to make. Angel, who is let out of the office, sees Stanton getting killed and freaks out. 

BUT THEN THERE'S A TWIST!!! Can you guess? C'mon, it could be obvious. I called it about 30 minutes before it happened. Ready to say it with me?

None of what we saw was real. It was all a prank. On Connie. Why? Who cares?! But Shoe, Randall, and some of the crew guys we saw get killed are still alive, apparently Randall isn't really gay which IS ACTUALLY WORSE and they hired three 1920's strongmen to play The Warden. Connie is like "boy is my face red! Let's go home!"

BUT THERE'S ANOTHER TWIST!! And you know that one too. The ghost...IS REAL!! And he really killed Toni, Dixon, and Stanton. And he's about to kill everybody else to by turning on a wind machine and reenacting the Blur video for "Song 2". 

But Angel manages to escape, along with the nameless crew guy and the movie ends. Well...that was...a thing...wasn't it?

If you even remember the MTV show I'm talking about, this movie will just remind you of that the entire time, which kept my interest. If you never seen it, then you will probably be bored to tears cause not a lot happens throughout the movie, and it just turns into a standard sub-par haunted place movie. You can see BOTH twists coming before you even put the DVD in and the acting annoyed me because of how stereotypical they went.

Basically, if they cast me as a character in this movie, it'd probably be like:

"FUCK YEAH!! Boobs tits blood!! I LOVE HORROR MOVIES!! OH! This is like that one lame horror movie I watched yesterday while fucking my HOT GIRLFRIEND! FUCK FUCK FUCK SHIT FUCK MOTHERFUCKING FUCK!!!!!"

Something like that.


Saturday, November 17, 2012

What The Hell Happened To You, Man?!?

You might have noticed things have gotten a bit quiet around here lately. I have a funny story to tell you...

Almost a month ago, I'm right in the middle of my Found Footage Fest 2012 and I'm feeling pretty good then suddenly...I feel like shit. I had bad headaches and I just felt blah. I figured it was a sinus infection and took meds for it and moved on with my life. But after another week and not feeling any better, I decided to go see my doctor.

First they examined my head to see if it is a infection and I can now say that there is medical evidence that nothing is wrong with my head! I FINALLY HAVE PROOF!! So...what gives?

They also did a blood test and turns out my blood isn't exactly blood but sugary syrup. Oh joy. I have "The D Word".

I dunno how many of you reading this is diabetic but I'm sure the first time you found out, you probably weren't too happy with life. ON TOP of the fact I felt like utter shit, so I just kinda didn't feel like doing anything. What made all this WORSE was this all happened right around Halloween, which is my favorite holiday. And I couldn't even enjoy it.

I solidered on, did roughly 200 podcasts in the month of October but I ignored my reviews and writing. I was gonna go all out on Halloween at Man, I Love Films but I had to post reruns. I dropped the found footage fest thing cause I didn't feel like trying to be funny. I guess you could say I was feeling depressed.

Thankfully, the doctor gave me medicine instead of insulin because I cannot stand needles and I had to change my diet (Step 1: stop drinking sugar) and work on my health a bit. After two weeks, I've lost a good 15 pounds and I'm finally feeling like my old self.                                                                                                 



So what does all this mean? I'm back right? Well...not exactly. While I was sick and not doing anything I did some thinking. I thought about how I been doing this for 7 years, how I reviewed easily over 200 shitty movies and how I built a small following. I thought about how I've won Best Horror Blog FIVE years in a row and how great all that felt. And I thought about the people who follow and read me and how I most likely let them down. Not just now but any time I don't post anything for a long time. Why should anyone follow me and this website if nothing is going to be posted?

So it's time I stop. I think Invasion of the B-Movies has run it's course in life and it's probably time to put the old gal to bed. However, I like making things all Even Steven so I will continue out the year and end on a bang! Review as many movies as I can, reviewing all the ones I've always wanted to, and other things. But after December 2012, I will put this site in it's final resting place.

Trust me, I've thought about this and this is what I feel is the right decision to make. But don't worry just yet, you got me for at least another month and then-



Wednesday, November 07, 2012

Found Footage Fest 2012: The Tunnel

I realize this is late as hell, but better late than never, no? Anyway, I've had this movie on my radar for awhile. The idea behind it was a group of people in Australia funded the movie through a Kickstarter like thing and torrent downloads! I know, great idea, huh? I should do some projects like that....

Anyway. The story behind the movie is the Australian government came up with a neat idea to recycle water: use these underground reservoirs that aren't being used! There's just water! Sitting there! Crazy! But while starting the process, the government suddenly stops and offers no reason why.

So it's up to a plucky film crew to figure out why! And that's our story.

I'm not gonna lie, this isn't gonna be a long review. It's like trying to write a full 500 page review on "The Blair Witch Project", you just need the basic set up and what happens and what I thought and that's it.

The film crew consists of Natasha, Tangles, Steve, and Pete and they go into the tunnels to look around. It's typical at first, with them roaming around, looking at shit, talking to the camera, and setting up a creepy vibe.

And there is a creepy vibe. I would NOT want to be down in those tunnels at any time. Then SHIT starts happening. Tangles leaves to get some audio and suddenly he goes missing. They find a shit ton of blood and go "oh shit" and soon must get out of there.

Things get MORE creepy when we see one of the people puts a camera down, but then SOMEONE else that we don't know picks up the camera and films them secretly! WHOA!

So what's happening? Basically, there are creatures who live in the dark. It's "The Descent" and "CHUD". That's basically it. One of the other guys gets attacked and killed, they run around until they find a way out and guess what? THEY LIVE! It's amazing!

Overall, the movie is good at setting up a scary tone and keeping your interest and wondering what's happening. The scares are good and I was worried for the people the entire movie. I say give this movie a shot, you will be surprised.


Thursday, November 01, 2012

Halloween Fest O Rama 2012!

Happy Halloween! In this episode episode, Jason and Nolahn are joined by THREE friends, James from Cinema Sights, Steve from 1001plus, and Matt from Chuck Norris Ate My Baby to talk about their Top Five Favorite Horror Movies They'd Watch on Halloween! A fun time was has by all!