CHUCK NORRIS!!!! Month: Walker, Texas Ranger: Lucas

This is episode 3 and episode 4 of Season 5. Judging from the style of this episode, Chuck hired a new editor and/or got some fancy editing equipment. All the transitions between scenes gave me a headache.

But that's not important. What is important is that this is, in fact, another "special episode of Walker, Texas Ranger". Again, cause it's the '90's we need to learn about something that was effecting the world and this time Walker is gonna roundhouse kick the big one: AIDS.

But how? Is Walker gonna get AIDS, almost die, but after dreaming about eagles he gets over it, much like Magic Johnson? Sadly, no. But what does happen is even more insane then that. I will get this out of the way though: it was a tough episode, emotionally. Too bad it took for-fucking-ever.

We start off with Walker and Trivette pulling up to a crack house with a bunch of other Rangers. The rangers bust the door down and immedately start shooting, fighting, and arresting. We focus on our main bad guy Rafer. Cause this is an episode of "Walker", he's an over-the-top bad guy. He actually growls in certain scenes. Here, he grabs Mackenzie Phillips, holds her hostage, and leaves before being arrested.

Walker searches the house and finds a door with a lock on it. He simply busts the lock off and opens the door and inside he finds a dirty Haley Joel Osment. Cue credits and Mr. Chuck "The Voice" Norris singing the theme song! (I still can't believe he sings...)

When we come back, Haley is in the hospital but he isn't talking to no one. Walker goes up to him and roundhouse kicks him until he speaks. Ok, no he doesn't. He just starts yammering about guessing people's names until Haley goes "SHUT THE FUCK UP! My name's Lucas!"

One montage (get use to those) later, not only is Lucas talking but he's friends with Walker. We find Rafer and Mackenzie in a hotel room and learn that Mackenzie is Lucas' Mom. Mom has AIDS which means be default Lucas also has AIDS. Get those Kleenex ready!

Now that Lucas is finally social-able it's time to turn him around and send him to a County Orphanage! Yeah! He's gonna be the talk of the building! Well, he is. See, Walker didn't tell Lucas he has AIDS cause he doesn't know how to break it to him. But everyone else in the entire state knows and cause no one knew anything about AIDS back then, they think Lucas is Death and avoid him like the...well you know.

Walker immedately busts him out of the orphanage and it's another montage of Lucas and Walker on Walker's ranch, skipping stones and riding horses. Maybe Lucas will live?

We go back to Rafer and Mackenzie and he slaps her for saying the name Lucas. He overacts some more, does so much cocaine that the "Scarface" dude is like "Whoa back up!" and does some more yelling.

Walker and Trivette do another drug bust, looking for Lucas' Mom. No one knows where she's at. Really? You try to bust some other drug dealers hoping they'd know? That's like arresting one criminal hoping they know where some other random criminal is. Sure, they might know but the odds are slim.

Mackenzie managed to break away from Rafer long enough to call Walker and demand Lucas back. When that goes nowhere, Mackenzie runs back to the abusive Rafer. I dunno, if I got away from him, I would just leave the state and/or country, knowing my son was in good hands. Course I'm not a crackhead.

Lucas has a nightmare which is important later on cause it gets changed and it's really noticeable. Lucas is standing on a balcony or something and reaching over the railing for his Mom, who's trying to grab Lucas. Soon, Mom changes to Rafer and he growls some more. Lucas wakes up screaming.

After that it's more heartfelt stuff with Lucas and Walker. There's even a disturbing scene where they help a horse give birth and they ACTUALLY SHOW IT BEING BORN OH MY GOD!!

When that's not happening, we get some more details about Walker's childhood. Remember how his parents died and how it helped a rape victim? Well the rest of the story helps a kid cope with AIDS. Walker was sent to an orphanage himself where he didn't get along with anyone cause he was part Indian, even though he looks completely white. Soon enough, his Uncle Ray, last seen in the first episode, picked him up and takes him to live at a reservation, where now he's outcasted for being white. Soon, Uncle Ray teaches him the ways of the Indian and soon he's accepted by everybody. Yeah yeah but how did he learn how to kick ass!

Whatever, anyway.

I can't recall how but Walker knows where Rafer and Mackenzie is and busts down the door. Rafer discovers that his bank card and saftey deposit box key is missing and knows that Mackenzie gave it to Lucas. He escapes Walker but leaves Mackenzie cause she's too sick.

Mother and son reunite at the hospital and after a tearful "I love you" she dies. And end of part 1. Yes, this entire story is told in two parts. It could've been only 1 if they left out the fucking montages and trips to the past but whatever, again.

Part two, the craziest part of the story, begins with Walker still not knowing how to tell Lucas about his AIDS. C.D casually mentions that he's now staying with Walker while his place is fumagated. Gee, thanks for setting up a plot point later on. Walker decides to take Lucas back to the reservation where he grew up and maybe he'll find the inspiration to tell Lucas.

Walker takes Lucas out to some part of the woods for a camping trip and tells him about his mentor White Eagle and how he helped Walker out with troubles and problems and stuff, but in a wise Indian kind of way. Lucas has his nightmare again but this time it's way different. Here, he's being chased by Rafer. It totally makes sense that he's having nightmares of Rafer since he locked him in a room and stuff but the different nightmares of him just growling don't make too much sense.

Lucas wakes up and runs away and he literally runs into White Eagle! Why, imagine that! Before we get to him, we find Rafer breaking into Walker's house and searching Lucas' room for the key and bank card. I don't know how he thinks Mackenzie gave Lucas the key and card, if she did, wouldn't she have just taken Lucas and ran off with the money? C.D, who's staying at Walker's cause of the fumagation, finally wakes up in time to see Rafer gone. Thanks old guy.

Back in the woods, the insanity starts. White Eagle thinks Lucas needs to go on a spirital journey to help rid of his nightmares. The solution, which I promise I'm not making up: get naked in a tiny tent with steam. I swear.

So there's Chuck Norris, Haley Joel Osment and an old Indian sitting in a tiny tent, near naked and sweating. The gods were smiling down on me today, I tell you. They tell Lucas to have the nightmare again but this time Walker and White Eagle will be there to help out.

Lucas starts having the nightmare and is being chased by Rafer. Finally, he runs into Walker and White Eagle and they try to kick Rafer's ass, but he soon takes them down. He's about to growl at Lucas, when Lucas picks up an ax and threatens him. This makes Rafer back away and eventually explode. I forgot to mention that this entire scene is filmed in LSD-mode, with different colors flashing up and the camera being whipped around at weird angles.




Lucas wakes up and is happy he finally defeated his nightmare. White Eagle goes back to where ever he came from and Lucas and Walker return home. Somewhere along the way, Walker finally gets the courage to tell Lucas he has AIDS and Lucas is ok with this. In fact he wants to go on a speaking tour across the country. Honestly.

So Lucas goes on his tour and Rafer finds out and gets even more mad. Late one night, Rafer breaks in and sneaks up on Lucas, asking where the key and card is. Lucas, remembering the whole thing with the ax is unafraid. Rafer notices the picture frame of Lucas and his mom and realizes that wasn't in the room before so he goes after it. But Walker comes in and kicks his ass for good. And sure enough the key and card was inside. Yeah I have no idea how the fuck that happened. But the episode is almost over so let's not think about it too much.

Next scene is suppose to be after Rafer's trial. So about a year has passed since Walker found Lucas in the closet I'm guessing. Lucas goes to bed and starts coughing. Uh-oh! But before any bad stuff happens, it's Lucas' birthday! Yay! And now he has all kinds of friends who support him and his AIDS! Yay!!

Ok, time to die.

Lucas is coughing and Walker takes him to the hospital. Lucas tells the horse that he saw be born goodbye "for now" and, well...Lucas died. We don't see him die. But we do see the funeral, which is one the one non-weird/bad thing about this episode so I'll just leave it alone.

But that's pretty much it. There's the "AIDS" episode. God, I should watch every episode to see every issue Walker deals with. How did he deal with the ozone layer? How did he deal with the whole Bosnia thing? And how did he deal with the break up of Milli Vanilli?
-Jason

CHUCK NORRIS!!!! Month: Walker, Texas Ranger: The Convenant

When I decided to do episodes of "Walker, Texas Ranger" I didn't read up on any of the episodes. I planned on doing the first episode and the one coming up tomorrow with Haley Joel Osmet, but anything else was pretty much just at random. So I popped in Season 3 disc 3 and picked the episode "The Convenet", thinking Chuck Norris has to save, or better yet fight, some nun's. Turns out I was way off.

I need to watch more episodes to see if this is true but I'm getting the feeling the more the show went on, the more Chuck Norris wanted to send a message. Sort of like an ass kicking version of "Degrassi". (By the way you have to read those recaps from Albert, they're hilarious. After this review of course.) This episode that I watched dealt with kids and gangs. This show mainly came on in the 90's and all the hot button topics back then was kids, drugs, and gangs. And acid rain. I look forward to the episode where Walker threatens to roundhouse kick acid rain.

First off, why the fuck didn't anyone tell me Chuck Norris HIMSELF sings the goddamn theme song??? I mean...he sings????



I love those lyrics. "When you're in Texas look behind you, cause that's where the rangers will be." I'm sure Bruno will be happy to hear about that.

The start of the episode reveals that it's Christmas cause when I think Christmas, I think Mexican gangs in Texas! Our gang, the Los Locos, are walking around and they walk into C.D's bar. Typically, the actor playing C.D changed since the pilot episode. This C.D isn't as heavy and the whole "I usta be a ranger" is downplayed a bit.

This C.D is more like a jolly grandfather. The Locos show up and pretty much exhort him for protection money. But like any Texan grandfather, he pulls out a shotgun on the gang and they quickly leave. I'm surprise this gang can extort anyone in Texas, doesn't everyone down there carry guns?

C.D then goes out to this truck to get more Christmas decorations when the Locos spot him and immedately run him over with their car. At this point Walker and Trivette, still played by the same guy, find C.D passed out in the street. Walker stands up, squints into the camera and shakes his head. NOW it's personal.

For the record, C.D is ok, he's just banged up and he's complaining about being in the hospital. Oh C.D you jolly old man you. Through a bunch of exposition dialouge, it's revealed that Walker teaches karate and we join him in class. I can't make fun of this part cause Chuck Norris won awards for karate and stuff and having Chuck Norris teaching you karate is like having Michael Phelps teaching you how to swim.

There's one part that hits the point of the episode home. Walker calls up a little kid and asks him where his green belt is. The kid tells us that his little brother got killed in a drive by and he put his belt in the coffin so he'll take it to heaven with him. This of course works and Walker gives him a new belt. Wow. Lesson learned, kids: if you forget your homework, say your little brother got shot and you put it in the coffin so he can do math homework in heaven.

I'm going to hell for that. See you there cause you're totally laughing at that.

This touches Walker so deeply that he has to stop class to stand out in the hallway and look pensive. We now meet another student of Walker's name Tommy. He has an old brother named Ernesto who's a manager at a car shop. Ernesto use to be in the Locos gang but he broke out.

Tommy goes to the garage and Ernesto immedately puts him to work cause managing little kids is what got him the job. While doing something, The Locos pull up and the leader, Sonny, steps out and wants to recruit Tommy. The typical "Leave my little brother alone, you got me you not getting him" thing happens and we know something's bad gonna happen cause Tommy is looking forward to putting up the Christmas tree with Ernesto later that night.

Oh yeah, it's Christmas. This hardly factors into everything so why they saved this for the Christmas episode is beyond me.

Ernesto and Tommy come home with the tree and their Mom is happy to see them. Oh boy. Soon a darkened car comes by, someone shouts something, and bullets go flying. Ernesto is shot but somehow Tommy isn't. In a scene that reminded me of the Nick Cage "The Wicker Man", Tommy helpfully shouts out "THEY SHOT MY BROTHER!" Yeah yeah and the bees are in your eyes. Thanks, we kinda figured.

We then see the Loco's shoot up their rival gang The Gang In Red. I forgot their name, sorry. But since we're knee deep in Mexican's we gotta bring in anything and everything Hispanic. The mom is praying with a priest. The Mom works in a tortilla factory. Walker brings in a Hispanic Ranger whom I'm sure was never mentioned before and vanished after this episode. Surprised no one had the La Cucaracha car horn.

Ernesto is in critical condition and only time will tell and it's in God's hands and stuff. Tommy is pissed and wants to do something. Thankfully, here comes Sonny and the Loco's (That needs to be a band name, NOW!) saying that The Gang in Red shot Ernesto and if he joins them, he can get revenge. This is all Tommy needed to hear. NO! TOMMY!

Walker tries to arrest Sonny but they can't hold him on anything without evidence. Walker then talks to The Gang in Red and since he and that gang leader are tight somehow, he makes them promise not to retaliate until Walker says so. Ok.

Tommy is now in the gang and he's avoiding Walker, who just wants to tell him that Ernesto survived and he's gonna be ok cause when you're shot 100 times you simply get over it. Sonny is getting his gang all riled up to start a gang war with The Gang in Red and I swear to god he says this line of dialouge:

"What's the word, mockingbird?"

Is this a tough Mexican gang leader or a 87-year-old Grandma?

One gang member remembers that it's Christmas and would rather be at home opening gifts than shooting people but Sonny promises to be the new Messiah. Honestly, I couldn't make this up if I tried.

So now Walker has to stop a gang war and save a kid or two from a gang. How does he do it? By roundhouse kicking of course! He challenges Sonny to a fight and of course Walker hands his ass to him. The truth about who shot Ernesto is revealed and the gang look at Sonny like "Dude, not cool" and more or less throw him under the bus.

So Tommy is saved and now he's a green belt. I don't get the colors of belts in karate. I know white is beginner and black is master. But what's in between? And how many? And what order? Anyone here take karate classes?

Yep we get our sugar coated ending and the day is saved thanks to Walker kicking some ass. The way it should be.

Coming up tomorrow: Another Special Episode of Walker, with Haley Joel Osmet.
-Jason

CHUCK NORRIS!!!! Month: Walker, Texas Ranger: Episode 1

I figure if I'm gonna be doing all things Chuck Norris, I might as well do one of his most famous bodies of work: Episodes of "Walker, Texas Ranger", the CBS show that ran for 8 years. Yes, 8 years of Chuck Norris beating up bad guys every week. I'm as surprised as you are.

Hell, it seemed like the writers were surprised too. The first episode is an hour and a half long and has a million stories going on, it's like "Well, we have all these neat ideas for Walker, but what if the show doesn't get picked up? We'll just put them all in the first episode.

Well, here's what you need to know before getting into the episode and any episode that's gonna be covered this week. Chuck Norris is Cordell "Cord" Walker, Texas Ranger. He lives with his Indian Uncle Ray. Walker is half Indian. Walker actually discusses his bloodline in this episode which I'll get to later cause it's crutial to one of the stories.

Walker also has a friend named C.D who use to be a ranger, now he runs a bar, which serves as our hang out spot when Walker isn't home or at the office. C.D is the one that gets Walker in comical situations.

Texas Rangers, especially Walker, don't play by the rules. There, I think I covered the main stuff. Some other info will pop up later in this episode.

This episode is titled "One Riot, One Ranger" and it actually is said at one point. Just to get it out of the way now, supposedly it's the motto for the Texas Rangers but I have no idea what that means so I have my doubts.

When the episode starts, there's action already happening. In fact we missed something. Some dude is shot on the ground, a truck is on fire, and some other dude is holding shot dude. There are four guys with guns taking money from the truck on fire and talking about going to Mexico.

The credits roll and we clearly see a non-bearded white guy driving through them. I wonder who he is. It's not Chuck Norris. He has a beard. And is only half white. Oh well. The credits end and we find Non-Chuck Norris in Mexico. He stops at a bar where the four robbers are celebrating when the doors open and...Chuck Norris is standing there.

The fuck? Was the white dude DRIVING Walker there? It's CLEARLY a white dude driving. Oh well. Anyway, Walker steps into the bar and tells the robbers they're under arrest. The robbers laugh this off cause they're in Mexico and Walker doesn't have jurisdiction there. Clearly, they never seen a Chuck Norris movie. He's like The Goddamn Batman, he has no jurisdiction.



Walker fights them, which knocks them out and he drags them back to Texas. Now that we got the exposition stuff out of the way, onto our story. There's a bank robbery (another robbery? Does each episode have a theme to it's crime? Next week: kidnapping!) and there's clearly a fake blind guy in the crowd. I say it's clear cause the fake beard he has on isn't that convincing. The robbers steal the money but take too long. At one point a teller set off the silent alarm and the only Ranger to answer is this young guy named Mogley who is Walker's best buddy. You just know he's gonna live a full long life.

Mogley arrives at the bank as the robbers are leaving and Mogley shoots one, but the fake blind dude walks out and shoots Mogley. Aw dang. He was gonna propose to his girlfriend too. So now that Walker heard about his friend's death, he's taking this case personally!

Onto plot 2! This chick who isn't given a name asks Walker if he can take in some circus performers. I know, probably the most random thing to ask somebody. I should ask someone I work with if they'll take in some circus performers and see how that goes.

Well, the reason for this is a young female trapeeze artist was raped by some hicks and they keep bugging her cause she's...female? A trapeeze artist? She's clearly not speaking in any weird accent so I don't know what their problem is with her but they want her to leave the state. No-Name Gal wants to arrest the rapists but they got away the first time somehow. Yeah, this doesn't make sense now that I'm typing it all out. I guess No-Name Gal knew they would try again. Oops, I ruined the surprise.

Story three involves Walker's new partner, named Trivette. From what I can tell he's a major character throughout the series so this was his introduction to the show. He's this atheletic black dude who use to play football but he threw his shoulder out so he joined law enforcement cause that's what Shaq does. Now he's a Texas Ranger. And Walker's new partner.

For some reason, Walker finds Trivette weird even though he's just a typical skinny black dude. Everybody in this episode/show has some weird underlying issues that are never dealt with.



Walker returns home to find the circus performers there and Trapeeze Artist Chick is quiet. Walker realizes she's hurt from being raped and decides to cheer her up...by talking about his his parents was BRUTALLY MURDERED WHEN HE WAS 12! Holy crap, maybe Walker is The Goddamn Batman!

So his parents were murdered cause his dad was full blooded Cherokee and his mom was full blooded white. They had Cordell and things were good until they went to a carnival one night and Walker had fun until it was time to go. Then some typical racists came up and gave Papa Walker some shit and since he fathered Chuck Norris, he's an even bigger bad ass and tried to kick some ass. But it didn't work so well and he was stabbed. Then they cut open Mama Walker's stomach and she died.

Believe it or not this opens up Trapeeze Artist and she starts crying and somehow feels better. So next time your life sucks remember, Walker's parents died. Feel better now?

Our main villian this week is some Bruce Campbell wanna be who is planning the perfect heist. He's interviewing wackos for the job and need explosives. He talks to one guy named Colt, who's a bit off. Fake Bruce isn't too happy with Colt and beats him up and look for another guy, who makes bombs that look like giant flies. I'm serious.

Walker and Trivette manage to track down Colt and it's discovered that Colt and Trivette have a history together. No, not like that, regardless of what that last picture says. Colt is afraid of Trivette for some reason and squeals like a canary...or something.

When they're not working, Walker keeps asking Trivette all these annoying questions about his life like why be a ranger and why drink juice and why wear glasses and ugh shut up and kick some ass!

Thankfully, the rapists show up at Walker's place and is about to do their thing when Walker returns home and takes care of them. It's a great scene actually and kinda funny. He breaks one dude's nose, then fixes it, then says "Nah it looked better before" and RE-BREAKS it! Oh wow!!

With the closure of one storyline brings in another. C.D told somebody that Walker will ride a bull for chariaty but without Walker's permission. Walker is like "WHAT? Oh you wacky best friend you!" and happy music plays.

Back to our bad guy, his plan is to knock over four banks at the same time. Who's this dude, Danny Ocean? Actually, it's almost like "Ocean's 11", with a billion people involved and all of them having a part in the robbery. The robbery itself is a bit involved so I'll have to break it down.

1. They send a fly bomb to a totally different bank nowhere near their bank. When this fly bomb goes off, all the cops think that bank is being robbed, even though blown up shit and robberies are two different things.
2. One team goes into one bank dressed like ambulance drives.
3. Another team goes into another bank dressed like Mexicans driving a lunch truck.
4. A guy drives a truck full of gas, which he blows up with a bomb, maybe a fly bomb. I thought since all the gas was being spilled all over the road, the entire city was gonna blow up but only the truck did. This seemed pointless.

Of course, since Walker is there, only 1 thing went right and that was the truck full of gas part. Walker either shot or kicked all the robbers save for Fake Bruce Ocean, who he ran after for 10 seconds, then handed his ass to him. I forget this was made for TV so they couldn't have a big 20 minute fight scene. With Bruce Ocean in jail, it's time to solve the final plot: bull riding!

Hilariously, it's obvious Chuck Norris is riding some plastic things on a studio somewhere and not on a bull. They might as well has the stunt double on the bull be a 3 foot tall overweight ballerina.

Well this was just the first episode. Next episode I'm gonna take a look at will be somewhere in the middle of the series. And Devon is gonna have some recaps of some episodes too. So stay tuned for that all week long.
-Jason

CHUCK NORRIS!!!! Month: Lone Wolf McQuade

Whenever anyone says to me "Lone Wolf McQuade" I immedately respond with "FUCK YEAH!" I know, how often are people gonna say "Lone Wolf McQuade" to me but around my circles, it happens quite often. I first seen "Lone Wolf McQuade" (FUCK YEAH!) back in 2008 during B-Fest. This was a last minute substitution when the planned film broke. I was quite happy about this change. I don't remember what the scheduled movie was, but I'm sure this was ten thousand times better.

Here, Chuck Norris is J.J McQuade, a Texas Ranger. A role I guess that prepared him to later become Walker. McQuade is a "lone wolf" cause he doesn't have a partner, he lives alone, hell his house is practically in the middle of nowhere. I'm surprised his office at the station isn't miles away from everyone else.

We find McQuade all covered in dirt, looking at some bad guys taking a shitload of horses somewhere. This made me think of the opening of "Billy Jack" where I had no idea where they were taking the horses then either. Before McQuade can act, some other Texas Rangers show up to stop the bad guys. Since none of them is Chuck Norris, they're immedately captured.

So from 100 feet away and up, McQuade kills a few bad guys and finally comes face to face with the lead bad guy here, who's an over-the-top stereotypical Mexican. McQuade immdately dispatches him by kicking all his teeth out. I'm not even joking.

McQuade makes it back to the station in time to witness the retirement ceremony of his old friend Dakota, who looks like Colonal Sanders. Dakota was something of a mentor to McQuade, so you know his numbers up. Plus he also kinda looks like Sam Elliot, which made me think of "Roadhouse", which also had a mentor show up and thingd didn't work out too good.

The Chieff is pissed at McQuade for being a "lone wolf" and he partners him up with Kayo, a Hispanic Ranger who's probably only 15. Kayo desperately wants to be McQuade's friend/partner, but McQuade isn't having any of that.

We meet McQuade's daughter and ex-wife, but they're still friends cause even she understands that to him it's Job, Kicking Ass, then Woman, in that order. McQuade takes Sally, his daughter, to go horse back riding with Dakota. There, they meet This Movie's Hot Chick Lola, whom McQuade admires from afar. Sally's horse gets spooked and starts to go wild and only Lola can stop it. Of course.

We find out that Lola is "partners" with David Carradine. Yes Fuckin' David Carradine is in this shit! NOW you see why I go "FUCK YEAH" when this movie is mentioned. And of course Carradine is our bad guy so the final showdown is gonna be fucking awesome. Well, anyway, Carradine is a gun smuggler. That's about all you need to know.

Lola eventually falls for the manliness of Chuck Norris and even shows up at his place and starts cleaning his house. Yeah, that's something I been noticing. Every movie with Norris has his character be a total slob. Is Chuck Norris a slob in real life? Or does he seem to be the kind of guy that would be? I guess ass kicking champion=total slob. Hey, I'm sort of a slob, what does that make me?

Eventually, McQuade allows Kayo to be his partner as they go around kicking ass. Sally and her boyfriend are off making out when he spots something illegal going on and as a result he's shot. Sally is then pushed off a cliff in a car. And she only gets away with minor cuts and bruises. Seriously.

McQuade's now pissed and wants to know who's responsible. He decides to ask the Huggy Bear of this movie, named Snow what's up and a big shoot out occurs. They finally snag Snow and all he could say was "INFORMER!! BIDDY BOOM BOOM YEAH!!" They take Snow to Dakota's and he gets the information out of him, which is mainly "Yeah, it's David Carradine." McQuade leaves to go have sex with Lola.

While that was happening, some of Carradine's henchmen show up and kill Snow and Dakota but not Kayo for some reason. See, when Chuck Norris isn't around, bad things happen. McQuade's even more pissed off and cause he interfered with a F.B.I investigation, he's now suspended without pay.

But one of the F.B.I agents, Jackson, says he's not a Token N-Word and doesn't do what he's told. Um, you're the only black person in this movie. Eh, nevermind. Anyway, they somehow know to fly around in the desert for hours until stumbling upon Carradine's base.

They return there that night with the worst acting F.B.I agent ever who immedately gets killed. After another shoot out the most awesome thing happens. McQuade is captured and Carradine throws him into McQuade's suped-up truck, which has a special switch to go a billion miles an hour. I could tell you about it but you need to fucking see this for yourself.



OH. MY. FUCKING. GOD.

I should just stop the review here cause nothing I can say, or anything that happens later, can possibly top that. Man.

But the movie goes on so I should too. McQuade finds out that his daughter has been kidnapped by Carradine and the midget from "Night Court" shows up and tells him where she was taken too. I couldn't figure out "Night Court" dude's role in this movie, he's just kinda there with information. But he's suppose to be a bad guy so whatever.

Turns out everybody is in Mexico and McQuade heads there. And of course there, there are chickens walking around. I so badly wanna go to Mexico to see if they reall have chickens walking around all freely like that. Maybe that's what "Free Range Chicken" really is.

Kayo and Jackson show up and they start hiking through some random hills until they find Carradine's hideout. McQuade instantly finds his daughter and Lola and start busting them out, but Carradine finds them and another huge shootout occurs. With many explosions and Roundhouse kicks.

So now we're at the end. Of course these two have to fight, it's Chuck Norris and David Carradine. You gotta have them fight. That's like bringing Shaq and Michael Jordan to a basketball court and only have them keep score. I'm tempted to find video of the final showdown but this is a movie you need to fucking see so I won't. But you probably already know that Carradine has to lose cause he's the bad guy.

Dude from "Night Court" shows up after Carradine dies and McQuade takes his helicopter while Night Court Dude says he's being stranded there. I guess. I still don't know what his character was about. In fact, I don't even know what his character on "Night Court" was about either. I just know Dan was afraid of him.

Anyway, our heroes fly back to America, McQuade is given some kind of honor, and now he has to rush off to stop a bank robbery. This closes our film so we don't see the ass kicking that I'm sure would've happened at the bank.

God Damn I love this movie. It's pure 80's action Chuck Norris cheese. It's basically your proto-type for any Chuck Norris film that doesn't involve Vietnam. And what set the way for "Walker, Texas Ranger". Speaking of, all next week I will be presenting recaps from different episodes of "Walker" from me and my friends ex-girlfriend-turned-Mass Invader Devon. It's gonna kick so much ass.

-Jason

Somebody Paid Too Much For Their Muffler! And A Copy of "Jaws"!

A quick little story cause this was too interesting to keep to myself.

This past holiday weekend I went back to my home-part of state Northwest Indiana. On Sunday before we left my fiance Felicia wanted to hit up a mall that I guess she finds cool. There, I roamed into a F.Y.E. I dunno if those are nationwide chains or not but it's pretty much an overpriced music and movie store. I say overpriced cause they had seasons of "Arrested Development" for 24 bucks when I can get them for 19 at Target.

Anyway, I was looking through the movies and noticed Jaws for 5.98. I stopped and went "HUH?" and looked again. I thought it was one of the many sequels that aren't as good. But nope, it was the original Jaws. And it clearly said 5.98. So I did some investigating, wondering if maybe this is one of the million "Special Editions" that came out since the dawn of DVD's. The only thing I found was it said it was the 25th Anniversary.

Then I noticed the next copy of Jaws right behind it. It was the same exact DVD copy, but with a price tag of 10.99. I grabbed that one and read it. 25th Anniversary. Same exact cover, wording, everything. I looked all over for a used sticker and didn't find out. Now I was baffled.

Well I decided to get it to see if they do in fact charge me 5.98 for it. They almost have to, don't they? So up to the counter I went with my other purchase (Kentucky Fried Movie) and sho nuff, Jaws rang up as 5.98. I went wow and paid 15 bucks for two classic movies from an overpriced store.

Lesson learned: Keep looking at the other DVD's and maybe, just maybe, you'll find it cheaper in the same store.
-Jason

CHUCK NORRIS!!!! Month: Missing In Action

A double header for you, I decided to also watch 1984's "Missing In Action", one of Chuck Norris' many "war films". This movie actually has a sad story behind it. One of Chuck's brothers was in Veitnam and was an actual P.O.W and eventually got killed there. So he made this movie in his memory, which is a nice thing to do.

Now onto the killings.

Chuck takes a break from playing cops/sheriffs and plays Col. James Braddock, a former P.O.W from Veitnam. He's having a dream about his last mission, which is sort of like the opening scene in "Tropic Thunder". James wakes up and immedately turns on the Spider-Man cartoon, which we see for about 5 minutes straight.

After that, James agrees to go back to Saigon to prove to the world that there are still soilders who are Missing in Action around Veitnam. The President or whatever he was suppose to be doesn't believe him and want to try James for War Crimes. James then spots this dude that use to torture him back at the P.O.W Camp and basically says "fuck this shit" and leaves.

Later that night, James sneaks out of his hotel and goes to the President or Whatever's place and makes him tell where the P.O.W's are. After doing so, a slight scuffle occures where the President or Whatever is killed. So now James has to fight his way back to his hotel and pretend he never left, which takes FOR FUCKING EVER!

By the time it took him to get back into the hotel room, the army could've arrived at the hotel, ran up the stairs, noticed he wasn't there, put out an APB on him, did a manhunt on the streets, and make it in time for breakfast the next day. But anyway, James sneaks into this chick's room that traveled with him and they had to pretend to fuck in order to prove an alibi. The Former Torturer shows up and goes "Hm. How convientent. You must leave!" And nobody tells Chuck Norris when to leave-

Oh, he's leaving. But only to Bangkok. There, he's looking for an old friend, Tuck, played by the awesome M. Emmett Walsh. James needs a boat, some guns, a raft, and a hard boiled egg cause he's gonna go free him some P.O.W's his own damn self!

But after a 25 minute scene of James running around Bangkok while Former Torturer chases him. After a shitload of failed attempts to kill James, including when the boat takes off, they're on their way! Former Torturer sneaks onto the boat and just like that James kills him. Dang, I guess he isn't our final boss.

James arrives at the location where the P.O.W's are at and there's a lot of sneaking around, mixed in with a lot of planting bombs. One thing I do wanna mention. When James was leaving the boat, he tells Tuck if I'm not back in 12 hours, leave. Tuck realizes that James needs him so he goes with James and tells his first mate that if he's not back in 14 hours, the boat is his.

Well, James arrives at the camp in the middle of the night. After blowing shit up, he finds out that the Princess is in another castle. Or rather, the prisoners have been moved. James returns to tuck in the early morning, which has to be around the 12 hours mark.

They find the convoy carrying the prisoners and start shooting it up. They finds the prisoners inside a truck and James promises them they'll return home. But first, more escaping from gun fire! They get to the boat, where the first mate yells out "It's been 18 hours, fuckers! The boat is mine!!!" Well, that's what he SHOULD'VE yelled out. Instead he returns fire. Soon, first mate is dead and Tuck swims back to his boat, which promptly explodes. Awww, they killed Tuck.

Soon, a friendly helicopter that James hired shows up (I don't know how he knew where to go, I guess he just followed the sounds of the explosions) and they fly back to Saigon to prove that there WERE some P.O.W's! And with that, the movie ends.

The next film "Missing in Action 2: The Beginning" is a prequel of sorts. It shows James as a P.O.W and how he escaped. It does feature Chuck Norris, so I probably should check it out sometime.

As for this movie, it was pretty good. More of a watered down version of Rambo but still pretty good. Chuck Norris doesn't do a lot of karate but he doesn't go 10 minute without a gun in his hand. And if he can't kick, he sure as hell can shoot.

-Jason

New Review: Top Dog

First off, this is my 400th post! Wow!!! That totally slipped by me! Anyway, happy 400 posts to me!

Secondly, here's The Chuck Norris Dog Movie

Top Dog

Thanks and enjoy!
-Jason

CHUCK NORRIS!!!! Month: Silent Rage

You probably thought I forgot. But no, I just had a long day. Between my fridge breaking down, drinking warm beer (it's not too bad, maybe I should move to England), and having a shitty day at work, I just didn't have time to write the review yet. But I most certainly watched the movie. Hells yeah.



Here, Chuck Norris plays Dan Stevens, a sheriff in a small town somewhere. I'm guessing judging by the accents it's either Texas, Arkansas, or Southern Indiana (Dear god the accents here kill me). What's disconcerning is how young Norris is here. This is a bit after his "Way of the Dragon"/"Breaker, Breaker" days but before he was known as the ass kicking machine he became known for later in his carrer.

The movie starts with the longest opening credit sequence ever with just a still shot of a stained glass window and all the cast and credits. I did a test later on. I let the credits run, I took a shower, made some breakfast, and helped take out the old broken fridge and when I came back, the directed by credit just flashed up.

With 20 minutes of the movie gone, we now focus on our bad guy, John Kirby. He's asleep in a dirty room and a bunch of kids are outside his door screaming. Soon Kirby wakes up and opens his door and some kid in a helmet he has a phone call. Then shot in real time, Kirby walks downstairs, ever so slowly, to the phone. On the other end is Tom (Ron Silver, yes THAT Ron Silver), his psyche-doctor. Kirby, having had enough with the screaming kids, the weird lady that lives with him, and apparently chickens in the back yard, tells Tom he's going crazy and hangs up the phone.

Still in real time, Kirby goes outside, grabs an ax, slowly walks inside where the weird lady spots him and runs from him, we get a homage to "The Shining", and then Kirby Axe Body Spray's the lady. Not even a minute later, here comes Stevens! Wow! He just KNOWS when there's trouble. Too bad he's late.



I have to say this movie had a horror movie feel to it at the beginning here, with Kirby. It made me forget I was in fact watching a Chuck Norris film and was a bit thrown off when he showed up.


Stevens finds Kirby and they fight for a minute, then the chase goes outside where Steven's overweight Deputy Charlie almost shoots Stevens. Finally, Stevens gets Kirby cuffed and taken into a car but Kirby isn't your typical bad guy. He has SUPER STRENGTH! He somehow BREAKS THE CUFFS and KICKS OPEN THE DOOR! Uh, isn't Chuck Norris suppose to be doing these things?

Cause of this, all the cops pump Kirby full of lead. But somehow he's still alive! Man, science didn't even get to him yet and he's already Superman. Speaking of, Tom, Phillip, and Paul, all scientists in the field of genetic engineering, are working on Kirby. After a 10 minute fight of Tom saying "NO! It's not moral to make him super human!" and Phillip saying "NO! We must test our formula!" and Paul just shrugging his shoulders and waiting to see who wins to take their side. When Tom leaves, Phillip goes "Mu ha ha ha ha!" and injects Kirby with some super secret formula that will make humans unable to die by any means.


Meanwhile we focus on Stevens for a bit as he hangs around a hospital shirtless for no good reason and he rekindles a romance with Alison, an ex-girlfriend. They never say why they broke up. Probably has something to do with winning karate championships.

We get a sex scene, which I never thought I'd see in a Chuck Norris film, but again this was an early one. Then Stevens has some jibber jabber with Charlie. They go to a diner where a biker gang is just leaving. One biker chick jokingly flirts with Charlie while the leader tries to intimadate Stevens, which is a bad idea, dude. Stevens tells the gang to get out. We'll check in later to see if they listen. (Spoiler: They don't.)

There's more scenes with Kirby's body being used for experimental purposes. I guess Kirby doesn't have any family what so ever. Or nobody cares since he's such a ruthless killer, all of two people (I didn't mention the first dude he killed cause it went by so fast).

You know, when I was watching this movie has a kid, I didn't remember all these slow scenes. I just remember the dude being unstoppable and Chuck Norris kicking his ass. When does this happen? So far it's been Norris shirtless, Alison's boobs, Ron Silver NOT acting like a bad guy, and Phillip putting weird chemicals in Kirby.



Things pick up a bit when we go back to the bikers story and Stevens find the gang being rowdy in a bar. This happens:



This only happens cause the next 25 minutes SLOWS DOWN pretty much to a grinding halt. Stevens and Alison are on again/off again. She misses his studlyness and decides to stay with him. Then we get a montage of all the ways Chuck Norris makes love. I dunno what has more sex scenes, this or "The Room".

Stevens and Alison decide to go away for the weekend. I forgot to mention two things:
1. Alison is Tom's sister.
2. Alison lives with Tom and his wife.

After Tom finds out what Phillip and Paul are doing with Kirby's body (I assure you it's not as disgusting as I just made it sound) he kinda gets into it (That just made it worse) but he thinks they went too far and now he feels all kinds of regret. Phillip more or less fires Tom and kicks him out of the lab.

Tom returns home and he's hungry! I know he's hungry cause he says he is about fifty times. His wife agrees to go out for pizza, which sets up Tom being alone for the next scene. Rather randomly, Kirby shows up. Yeah, he's very much alive. Huh. And he walks out of this super secure lab undetected. Double huh.

Anyway, Kirby shows up at Tom's and chases him around his house. Tom shoots him a bunch of times, forgetting that HE KNOWS Kirby can't get hurt. Unsurprisingly, Kirby kills Tom. Then Tom's wife returns and she gets killed by Kirby.

I'm desperately trying not to make a "Ron Silver: Today" joke here.

Alison finally returns home (by the way, this all supposedly happened in an hour, cause when Alison left Stevens she said I'll be back in an hour) and gets ready for a weekend of Chuck Norris lovin'. She finally finds the bodies of Tom and his wife and freaks out. Stevens shows up in time to comfort Alison.

For whatever reason, Stevens takes Alison to the lab Phillip and Paul worked on Kirby, who by the way returns. They find him full of bullets and wonder if Kirby killed anyone. Nah, I'm sure someone just shot him cause it'd be fun. Granted, he could've wandered into gang territory wearing the wrong colors or something. But anyway, Paul doesn't wanna do this anymore and tries to kill Kirby with sulfuric acid, which totally doesn't work. Kirby kills Paul instead with it and then looks for Phillip. Phillip thinks he's Kirby's friend but is wrongly mistaken when Kirby hugs Phillip to death.

Charlie is suppose to watch Alison while Stevens leaves for no apparent reason when they hear screams. They both check it out and run into Kirby, who also hugs Charlie to death. But it takes awhile to work on Charlie. A lot to get through. Then of course, he starts chasing after Alison.

Stevens returns to the lab and hunts for Kirby and Alison. He finally finds her and he throws Kirby out a ten story window. Again, this ending felt like a horror movie. This is pretty close to the ending of "Halloween", if Donald Pleasance won awards for being a karate master.

Of course Kirby isn't dead and another chase ensues, this time in Stevens truck. Kirby hangs on by the bumper and I realize the scene with the T-1000 chasing after Sarah and John Connor in T2 ripped this scene off. Kirby manages to sneak inside the MOVING truck and Stevens tells Alison to "GET OUT OF THE HIGH SPEED MOVING VECHICLE NOW!!" which they do and survive. Hilariously, Kirby tries to drive the truck from the back seat, but it flips over and blows up (of course).

Again, Kirby's not dead. Stevens then proceeds to do several roundhouse kicks to him, before finally shoving him down a well. For some reason, they think this stopped Kirby. I mean, yeah if they dumped cement down the well and totally encased him. But they simply let him fall and walk away. If bullets, fire, and an ass kicking by Chuck Norris can't stop him, how is a well gonna?

Well, I'm totally right cause the ending shot is Kirby rising out from the water below. I guess this was suppose to make way for Silent Rage 2: Silenter Rage!

This movie is a bit low on the Chuck Norris action. It's the only reason the bikers plot was created. It would've been better if Kirby was just going around killing people and Norris was all like "DAMN YOU KIRBY!!!" and he roundhouse kicks a parking meter or something. Instead, Kirby doesn't fully return until well past the hour mark. In its place we get lovey dovey scenes with Norris and Alison. And Ron Silver not being a bad guy. Man, Ron Silver's more fun as a bad guy. We should watch Timecop sometime.

-Jason