Swept Away

(This was written back in 2004, when Madonna and Guy Ritchie was still married. Now that they're not, this is pretty hilarious. Sorry if this sucks, I was still trying to find my reviewing legs.)

Conversation Madonna and her husband Guy Ritchie might've had prior to the making of "Swept Away":

Madonna: Honey...you are a big time movie director and I'm a wanna-be actress. Remember "Shanghai Surprise"?
Guy Ritchie: Um...
Madonna: Anyway, because you are a big time movie director and a big time movie writer-
Guy: Screenwriter...
Madonna: I'M TALKING BITCH!!! Anyway, sugarpie, I was thinking what if the next movie you make I get to star in it.
Guy: Well, I was thinking of doing another "Snatch/Lock, Stock" type film-
Madonna: NO!!! NO VIOLENCE!!! (Smacks Guy) I want romance!!! People loved me in "Evita" and that was romantic...sort of!!! GIVE ME ROMANCE!!!!!!
Guy: I can't do romance!! I'm a male...and I'm british!!!!
Madonna: Then...steal somebody else's idea and remake a movie where there's romance!! DO IT NOW!!!!!
Guy: Yes my loving wife.

And Guy Ritchie probably spent two months in a cage while Madonna found a copy of the movie "Travolti da un isolito destino nell'azzurro mare d'agosto" or..."Swept Away" from 1974, made him watch it and made him modernize it. Granted, I'm risking being sued by Madonna and/or Guy Ritchie but what other explaination is there, this movie is very disturbing and I highly doubt anything that happened in this remake happened in the original.

Amber (Madonna) and Tony and their other rich friends named Debi, Todd, Michael, and Marina decide to take a yacht from Greece to Italy. Everyone's fine with that except Amber, who acts like a bitch for the first hour of the movie. The victim of her bitchyness? No, not her husband, that'd make sense. Instead it's Guisepeppe, or Peppe, who agreed to work for "The Captain" of this boat to get back to Italy. The crew, for some odd reason, like to call Tony "The Professor" although they never explained why, even Tony's confused by this. Maybe this is what Madonna was calling Guy Ritchie while he was locked in the cage.

Amber is very hard to please. She doesn't like to swim, doesn't like the fish, wants cold, NOT COOL water, is always cold, is always hot, the air's too humid, the air's too chilly, the boat keeps rocking, the sky is too blue, the clouds is too puffy, and other really stupid things. The annoying thing is, the movie took about an hour to show how much of a bitch she is. And poor Peppe is getting abused so bad, the Jews had it better in Egypt (If you can trust "The Ten Commandments"...great I'm gonna get sued by them now.)

20 million bitchy complaints later, Amber finds out most of her friends and husband went off to some caves somewhere and she wants Peppe to take her. He doesn't want to, of course, but she makes him, so they go into a little raft boat thingy and they jet off. Things are going fine until the engine stops.

Amber bitches some more and Peppe says they are stranded until someone picks them up.
Two days later, they find land and Amber threatens to sue Peppe for some reason and a reason might've been said but I was too busy finding something around me to throw at the TV to make Madonna shut the hell up. It turns out the land they found is a deserted island. Not wanting to believe that, Amber says she's gonna search around herself and Peppe is glad to be rid of her.

Now Peppe, he's a good sailor/fisherman. He makes good with what's around him. He also found a little hut that was probably built by Harrison Ford and Anne Heche in "Six Days, Seven Nights". Amber, meanwhile, starves, is dying of thirst, and somehow twisted her ankle. A few days goes by and Amber comes limping back to Peppe.

Then things take a weird, and more annoying, turn. Peppe decides to get back at Amber and says "Ok, you want food and drink, you will be my SLAVE!! WASH MY CLOTHES, BITCH!!!!!" and he gets naked. Seeing the big ass fish he caught, she agrees. When she's done with his laundry, he lists some rules, such as she must call him Master and he is in charge and she must do everything he says with a smile or else he's gonna beat the ever living crap out of her. And to show he's not kidding, he punches Madonna a few times. Usually when I write something like that, I'm kidding, but here I am not, he really does punch her a few times.

So now the tables are turned and Peppe abuses Amber, literally and figuratively, and this goes on for another hour.

"I want my feet washed!!" (SMACK)
"Ok, Master."
"I want you to run around in a bikini for the next half hour showing your nipples so male audiences have a reason to see this movie!" (SMACK SMACK)
"Ok, Master."

And if all of that wasn't weird enough, Amber decides to fight back finally and while she's running away, he chases her, catches her, throws her down to the ground, and threatens to rape her. Well, he might've actually done it, the camera angles were kinda odd, but it looked like her bottom was off and his shorts were kinda down but not down all the way.

Now, I'm all for karma, you get what you give, but she didn't torture him and make him think she was gonna brutally rape him, that's going a little too far, if you ask me. But he says during this that when she fully and truly loves him he will knock it off.

They spend the next few days boinking up a storm and then it turns into scenes that really have nothing to do with anything, like Peppe having an odd daydream of Amber turning to Della Reese singing "Come On-a Over To My House" with a full orchastra, or later on in the hut during a rainstorm and when Peppe discover some whisky buried in the sand they play charades. Or the montage of them boinking on different places on the island while the Mazzy Star song "Fade Into You" plays.

FINALLY!!!! A ship comes and Amber is like, "NO!! Let's stay here!! I don't wanna go back, I love you!" and Peppe is like "Well, if you love me here, you will love me there, let us see." And he swims to the boat, which turns out to be some rich couple from England. Why they were boating near a deserted island near the Mediterranean Sea is beyond me. Tony, Amber's husband in case your mind is numb from picturing what I just described, picks them up and they go to Italy. Tony gives Peppe some money for taking care of Amber and Peppe is all upset because he can't boink her anymore and she hasn't confessed her love to him yet.

Peppe takes the money he got from Tony and buys a very nice and expensive ring. Then Peppe leaves Amber a note at her hotel and instructs the hotel clerk to give it to Amber only when she's alone. Amber is about to pick it up when Tony comes by and ruins the chance for Amber to read Peppe's note about him waiting at a pier in a boat. Tony makes Amber go back to the room and he notices the note hiding in their mailbox.

In the helicopter that's gonna take Amber and Tony back to America, I guess, Tony makes Amber give some bellhop a tip with an evelope. The bellhop reads the evelope which says "Last boat, pier 22" so he goes there, gives the evelope to Peppe and finds the ring. He discovers that Tony is the one who sent the ring back and chases after the helicopter as it takes off, with Amber crying and...well...the...movie just...kind of...ends.

So, I guess the answer is, no, she will not end up with Peppe. You heard it here first.

I'm gonna wrap this up with an open letter to Madonna and Guy Ritchie, seperately.

Dear Guy Ritchie,
Please do not make any more movies with your wife Madonna. Stick with kick ass movies like "Lock, Stock, and Two Smoking Barrells" or "Snatch". If you must put your wife in your movies, have her be the chick who gets killed early on in the movie or have a bomb tied to her chest and all the characters have to save her but they're late and it goes off. And no, I'm not bitter at all. Why should I be bitter? Just because I blew 4 bucks renting this piece of shit movie and wasted 2 and a half hours of my life watching this piece of shit movie doesn't make me bitter? I mean, Jesus, if you want to make a snuff film starring your wife, do so. I mean, you see her early videos, right? I'm sure she'll be all for it. And if you're looking for a guy to beat the crap out of her for the film, I'll be glad to help. I have an impressive film and TV resume. And please don't sue me.
Thanks,
Jason Soto.

Dear Madonna,
I liked you at one point. But now you are very fucking weird. I mean "Ester"? What's up with that shit? Now I really hate you for doing this to Guy Ritchie. It's one thing to marry him but ruin his fine film career by making him make this piece of shit? Maybe you should take a cue from Cher and KISS, do a "Goodbye" tour and fade away while I still respect your early career works. And so help me, if you make Guy Ritchie make another movie like this, I will come to your house with giant speakers and play your "American Life" album over and over until you apologize to me and your husband and to the world and give me back my 4 dollars and find me a good movie that lasts 2 and a half hours that I haven't seen.
Oh, and let Guy Ritchie out of his cage, please.
Thanks!

-Jason

New Review: 3 Ninjas: High Noon At Mega Mountain

What does Hulk Hogan, Loni Anderson, and Jim Varney have in common?

3 Ninjas: High Noon At Mega Mountain

Well, besides THAT.
-Jason

Why I'm Gonna Stop Picking on "Glee"

I did a review/recap of sorts of the second episode of "Glee" and it seems like people liked it. There was even a demand to do it again. But after much thinking I decided to stop my quest to end the horror that is "Glee". And here's why in three words:

Fox Hates Success

Here's a quiz for you, what do the following shows, besides being on Fox, have in common:
Arrested Development
Firefly
(Recently) Dollhouse
Family Guy
Futurama

Yep, all shows that have rabid fans, did well among those fans, and despite all signs pointing to "Keep show on, channel will be successful", they cancelled those shows. Yeah, they bought Family Guy back but I think a blowjob was involved in that.

So going by Fox's track record, "Glee" will be cancelled, probably soon. I'll give it, oh...another season. Maybe two.

Although, I do regret not covering the following things that apparently happened on the show:
Dude singing the FUCKIN "Thong Song". Yes, that fuckin' happened. On a show that EVERYBODY watches. Watch this and just try not to stab your eyes out:


And there was another episode where they talked about the Wheelchair kid's weiner. And no, I'm not looking for video for that. You're on your own.

So yeah, this is the last I'm gonna talk about "Glee", at least until they do a muscial number based on "Back Dat Ass Up".
-Jason

Overthinking Question Monday #2

Today's Overthinking Question is in regard to "The Neverending Story".

So you know that scene where what's-his-name the hero in the story is riding his horse Atryxo or whatever through this quicksand type stuff and they start sinking? And it's revealed that they're sinking because they're thinking sad thoughts. So the kid made it ok but the horse didn't?

Well this is a two-fer-one:
1. What the fuck kind of sad thoughts is a horse gonna think? Either a horse is depressed all the time or it don't mind being rode around on.
2. If thinking sad thoughts make you sink deeper into the sand, when the horse died, why didn't the kid just plummet straight through? I mean, he was the horse was tight, ya know? So I'm sure the kid was thinking all kinds of sad shit when the horse died.

As you can tell it's been awhile since I seen it but that's always bothered me.

Thoughts?
-Jason

Gigli

(OK, this review was written a long ass time ago. It was pretty much when "Gigli" came out on DVD. I posted it on my old website "Friday Night Video Review" (I should do something like that again. Did I do a parenthesis in a parenthesis? I need help). I'm telling you all of this cause no matter how many times I re-read this review, I can't think of any better way to re-word this. And I do refuse to watch this movie again. So here it is in all it's half-assed written glory.)


The later half of 2003 was spent by people going on and on about how bad the movie "Gigli" was, making certain individuals wonder, "Could it really be that bad?" I mean, there's Jennifer Lopez. Oh and Ben Affleck. And, how cute, they're dating AND made a movie together. It can't be that bad, right?

Let me put it this way, I rather have all my teeth removed and replaced with candycorn, which is the worst tasting candy ever, then have to watch this again. And if anyone makes me watch this again, I'm either going to have to kill them or myself. With that done, let's get on with it, shall we?

Affleck is Gigli, Larry Gigli, which rhymes with "Really". He is a "contractor" working for this odd looking guy named Louis. Louis wants Gigli to kidnap this "Mentally handicapped" kid.

The reason for the kidnapping? Ok, try to follow me on this. Some guy in New York named Starkman is on trial. This kid that Gigli is gonna kidnap is the little brother of the prosecutor. And if his brother is kidnapped, apparently, there isn't going to be a case.

So Gigli picks up Brian, the kid, at the place other kids like him live and takes him. Brian is obsessed with going to "The Baywatch" and if you say "You wanna watch Baywatch" he'll call you an idiot. So Gigli and Brian goes to Gigli's apartment when J. Lo's character shows up.

She gives the fake name Ricki and was also hired by Louis to watch Gigli because this is really important to Louis and he doesn't trust Gigli. Gigli, being a very typical guy, falls for Ricki. But Ricki states that she's a lesbian and it's hands off.

Christopher Walken makes an appearance as some nameless cop that Gigli knows, who reveals the plot about the prosecutor, and pretty much just leaves.

Gigli, Ricki, and Brian sit around some more and talk about relationships and yoga and why Ricki's a lesbian and why Gigli's an ass, and lord only knows what cause my mind went numb.

Finally, they leave the house and at a restaurant somewhere Gigli loses his cool with some kids playing punk music, but Ricki tells them some story about how the chinese poke people's eyes out and that shuts them up. Then Gigli gets a call from his mom wanting him to come over.

Gigli's mom is played by the chick who played the mother in "My Big Fat Greek Wedding", at least I think it's her, and she's one of those middle aged/going on old aged women who refused to age and gets botox injections in her ass, which is the reason why she called Gigli. She makes him bring Ricki and Brian in when Brian comes to the door asking to go pee. Mrs. Gigli thinks Larry and Ricki make a good couple and when finding out about Ricki being a lesbian, she hits on her, which is just creepy for everyone.

Gigli, Ricki, and Brian go back home, talk for another 45 minutes, when Ricki says "Hell with it, we'll have sex" and they proceed to do so. It should also be noted here that Brian not only likes The Baywatch, he likes rap music and Australian accents.

Louis calls the next day saying he wants Gigli to cut off the kid's thumb and send it to the kid's brother. While discussing that, some weird psycho chick shows up. She turns out to be Ricki's ex-girlfriend, Robin. Robin refuses to let Ricki go and she goes into Gigli's kitchen and slits her wrists.

After taking Robin to the hospital, both Ricki and Gigli realize that they don't really wanna cut Brian's thumb off, so they come up with a plan. Ricki distracts some lab guy while Gigli and Brian sneak into the morgue and Gigli cuts off some dead guy's thumb. They send that.

More talking at home, yada, yada...

The next day Louis calls saying he wants to meet with Gigli and Ricki. He takes them to Starkman's place, who just flew in from New York, and is played rather hyperly by Al Pacino. Starkman is pissed because he didn't want a thumb he wanted an actual finger, so he kills Louis (Only exciting thing in this movie) and wonders what to do with Gigli and Ricki.

Ricki talks (and talks and talks) her way out saying if Starkman just kills everyone, nothing will be solved, but if the brother is found alive, then things will be ok...I guess. I dunno, this movie doesn't make any sense. I mean, if kidnapping him is gonna distract the prosecutor, then why is returning him gonna further distract him? Thinking about this made my brain blow up, so I suggust you don't think about it either.

Then the longest fucking ending takes place when Gigli decides to give up his job, Ricki decides the same thing, Gigli is driving on a highway when Brian spots "The Baywatch" which is really just a video shoot happening on a beach with women in bikini's. After five minutes of pleading, Gigli stops at The Baywatch and leaves Brian there, so his easily distracted brother can come pick him up. Then Gigli tells Ricki to take his car because Ricki wants to continue to be a lesbian, so she does.

And while we're begging for THE END, Brian hooks up with an Australian chick on the video shoot. Now is it over? Nope! Ricki comes back, tells Gigli her real name is Rochelle (if anyone really gives a rats ass), and decides to stay with Gigli after all. I honestly was happy enough when she left his ass because Gigli is one annoying asshole and frankly it's probably men like him that turn women into lesbians, I doubt any lesbian would turn straight because of him. Oh yeah, thankfully it's the end.

See, that wasn't bad. That's because you're hearing it through me, who had to actually watch the damn thing. It didn't help any that it was 2 hours long. If it was an hour and a half, it would probably still be too long but I wouldn't have suffered as much.

There's just no point in me telling you what I thought, I think it's obvious enough. But if you are curious as to what was painful about the experience, that I can lay on you.
First off, everybody was just lounging around and just talking. Gigli trying to get into Ricki's pants, Ricki saying why she's a lesbian, Brian asking for The Baywatch and asking Gigli to read to him, Gigli getting pissed off all the time and acting like a macho asshole, Ricki trying to tell Gigli that he might be gay, and just endless pointless scenes that just go on and on. Why two of the greatest stars agreed to be in this is beyond me. And of course I'm talking about Christopher Walken and Al Pacino.

-Jason

A Mexican, An Irishman, and a Poll Walk Into A Bar

(To anyone offended by the title, I am all three. Suck it.)

Anyway, I gots some poll results for you!

First, during the test run of New Feature Week, I asked if Ed Wood and Tommy Wiseau were to participate in the 48-Hour Film Festival, who would make the worst movie. And the clear winner is Tommy Wiseau!



To anyone confused, the 48-Hour Film Festival is a film project where aspiring film makers show up at a location on a Friday night, are given a genre, a prop, and a line of dialouge, and then they have 48 hours to make a short film with all the stuff given to them. I went to a screening of one a few years ago and there was some good stuff. Along with some "weird" stuff. So I guess it would make sense Ed Wood would win since he proved he can make a FEATURE length film in two days. A short film would be nothing.

Onto the second poll, I asked which feature did you guys like and the CLEAR winner here is Overthinking Question Monday. And only one vote for Site/Personal News Friday.



Despite the zero votes it got, I probably will be doing the Trailer Thursday from time to time. So look out for that! Word.
-Jason

New Review: I Was A Teenage Zombie

Feels good to be doing this after awhile!

I Was A Teenage Zombie

Brains!
-Jason

Jason on Jason: Friday the 13th Part 4: The Final Chapter

For this review, I decided to write out what the description on the back of the DVD says, then throw in my review in between the sentences. In other words, you'll be "reading in between the lines." HA!

"After the Crystal Lake Massacres, Jason is pronounced dead and taken to the hospital morge, where he is mysteriously revived-"

Ok so the movie first starts with some people that we'll never see sitting around a camp fire and one guy is telling us a camp fire story about the legend of Jason Vorhees. This is done by showing us non-stop clips of everything from the first three movies. I wonder if the scenes from Part 3 are in 3-D? I tried to throw on my 3-D glasses but didn't in time. Damn.

So after the montage of scenes are over and the credits promise this is the "final chapter", we pick up where Part 3 left off, with a bunch of dead people and a machete in Jason's hockey mask. A nervous paramedic take Jason's body to the hospital.

At the hospital, we meet the pervyest coroner ever. He would like to perform the autospy on Jason but he needs to fuck a nurse first. When Jason's hand brushes against the nurse's ass, she freaks out and leave. And I swear to you, they're trying to say the mere fact sex was about to happen was enough to bring Jason back from the dead (for the umpteenth time).

Sure enough, Jason kills damn near the entire hospital staff. So there's your "mysterious" reason he was revived.

"-allowing his diabolical killing spree to continue at the camp where the gruesome slaughtering began."

Did anyone notice that this sentence on the back of the DVD cover is a run-on sentence?

Anyway, I really don't recall the setting of this chapter if you will, being Camp Crystal Lake. I know there was woods. And there are two houses in the woods. One house belongs to a family, the Jarvis'es. Young Tommy Jarvis is played by, I'm not shitting you, Corey Feldman. This was around "The Goonies" so he's all young and innocent here.

And wait a minute. It takes place almost entirely in a house. So the recently released remake (say that three times fast) combined parts 1, 2, 3, AND 4? Jesus. I'm surprised it didn't end with Jason waking up on Broadway, sing "Start spreading the news!"

Across the way from The Jarvissss is an empty house that soon gets occupied by a bunch of (what else) horny teenager. One of these horny teenagers is played by, again I am not shitting you, Crispin Glover. Yes THAT Crispin Glover. This should be good cause I hear he can kick really high.

"But this time, in addition to terrified teenagers, he meets a young boy named Tommy Jarvis who has a special talent for horror masks and makeup-"

Why didn't they put in parentheses (Corey Feldman)? That surely would draw more people to watch this movie. Well, I'm putting it out there now in case you didn't know.

So yeah, Tommy has a room full of weird rubber masks and knows how to put horror make up on. He's a young Tom Savani. Wait. Tommy. Tom. Are you fucking kidding me?

Anyway, it turns into your typical "Friday" movie with the wild teenagers getting naked and either trying to have sex, having sex, or going skinny dipping. Almost everyone doing these activities are killed.

There's also some guy who's camping out in the woods with a buttload of knives. He had a run in with Jason but somehow survived. He ends up being the Hero in the Hero + Final Girl equation. To add to that equation, Hero + Final Girl / Corey Feldman. Cause you know Corey fuckin' Feldman isn't gonna die.

"-leading to a horrifying, bloody battle that will keep you on the edge of your seat!"

Jesus another fucking run-on sentence. Who wrote this DVD cover, a 15-year-old girl Myspacer? Surprised it doesn't say "Totes! Lates!!!" at the end.

So this "horrifying bloody battle". I guess.

Jason and Knife Dude are "battling" in The Jarvis's basement but it's super dark so you can't see. Tommy finds a newspaper clipping in Knife Dude's backpack and gets an idea. He runs to this room and immedately start shaving his head and applying makeup. Meanwhile Jason is all kinds of kicking Tommy's sister's ass. Finally, Tommy shows up, bald, except in some patches, and pretends to be Little Jason. Big Jason is confused and wants to investigate. That's when Tommy grabs a machete and just starts wailing on Jason. This was when they toyed with the idea of actually killing Jason, so Tommy is really going crazy here. That or Corey Feldman had some issues to work out. (Gee, ya think?)

"Has the diabolical Jason finally met his match?"

I guess so. In the form of a 12-year-old Corey Feldman, who ends the film by giving a creepy stare into the camera. Is that a set-up I smell?




If you picture the entire series as a downward slope, Part 4 would be about the middle. You can easily tell the direction the rest of the series is gonna take and by this point, you're just watching to see Jason stab horny teenagers. It was a neat experience watching this for the first time. I only ever seen Parts 1-3, then 8-X. I never really seen the middle dumping grounds of this series. So the next few movies should be a treat for you and me.


As an added bonus, I found this video of all the kills from this movie. I wanna tell you some things to look out for:
1. The video the pervy cornoner is watching before he gets killed.
2. The way the dude who was swimming is killed. It's a bit dark but you can JUST make out what's happening. And if you're a guy, be prepared to go "Owww..."
3. The scene between Crispin Glover getting killed and the scene of the chick getting killed THEN thrown out the window is like only a minute. So in that minute, he threw down Crispin's body, went outside, climbed the side of the house and timed his grab JUST right. Fuck, change his name to Jesus Vorhees. (I'm possibly going to hell for that.)
4. Ladies and gentlemen: Crispin Glover dancing.


-Jason