Friday, December 31, 2010

New Review: Stuff Stephanie In The Incinerator


I hate to end 2010 on a movie like this but, well, you picked it.


Stuff Stephanie In The Incinerator


You guys and gals be safe this New Years Eve! I'll return sometime in January!

Happy New Year!
-Jason

Tuesday, December 28, 2010

Programming Reminder: Twitter Event-Frankenhooker

Just a reminder, tomorrow, December 29th at 9PM, if you follow me on Twitter, I will be live Tweeting the awesomely titled movie "Frankenhooker".



So to remind you how this works, starting at 9 I will start watching "Frankenhooker" and every few minutes I'll post thoughts, reviews, riffs, whatever on Twitter and you can follow along! If you wanna somehow participate, you can find a copy of the movie (Unfortuately, Netflix doesn't have it. Sad face.), you can watch along and using the Twitter hashtag #frankenhooker tag your posts with your own riffs, reviews, thoughts, whatever.

That's it! See you guys tomorrow!
-Jason

Thursday, December 23, 2010

New Review: Christmas Evil



Christmas comes early!

Christmas Evil

Enjoy!
-Jason

Tuesday, December 21, 2010

Jason Soto's The Night Before Christmas

Christmas Special, everybody!!

Special apperance by a good friend and fellow LAMB member!

And do you like Cokie? HE'S IN THE WHOLE THING! WOO!



Enjoy!
-Jason

Friday, December 17, 2010

New Review: Drive In Massacre


Sorry this is being posted late. It was short enough, anyway.


Drive In Massacre


Enjoy!
-Jason

Thursday, December 16, 2010

The Lair of the Unwanted #12: Winter Wonderhell



In the season 1 finale of "The Lair of the Unwanted", Jason and Nolahn congratulate a friend on a new arrival. Nolahn takes a much needed break after working non-stop since March. Jason is in the middle of Reader's Choice Month and he announced a special Twitter Event for later in December.

After a good number of feedback, Jason and Nolahn come clean and discuss mutant killer snowman vs Nazi zombies. Nolahn gives a good answer and Jason challenges anyone to top it.

Then they discuss not one, not two, but THREE films: Jack Frost, Jack Frost 2: Revenge of the Mutant Killer Snowman, and Dead Snow. Throw in a new spot for a Christmas Lifetime movie and some kickass movie and that, my friends, is what we call a season finale!

Links!
www.facebook.com/thelairoftheunwanted
thelairunwanted@gmail.com
http://www.invasionofthebmovies.com/jackfrost.html
http://www.bargainbinreview.com/r_JackFrost2.html
http://invasionofthebmovies.blogspot.com/2010/12/twitter-event-frankenhooker.html

Enjoy!
-Jason

Wednesday, December 15, 2010

B-Movie Meatloaf: Robot vs The Aztec Mummy



This movie can be summed up using my patented Dash Points! (Trademark)

-A Professor invites some friends over to his super nice house.
-He starts telling them a story.
-80% of the movie is done in this story/flashback mode.
-First, he tells them that he went to some super big meeting of other super important scientists and professors. He gave a speech about transgressing a woman to their past lives and have them recount things in their past lives.
-Everyone at the meeting laughs at Professor.
-Professor runs away crying.
-He runs home and does the past life transgression on his wife Flora.
-In a past life, Flora was an Aztec princess who had the hots for some warrior dude. They were totally gonna run away together and fornicate until tomorrow noon. Unfortunately, they were caught.
-The princess was sacrificed. The warrior was mummified and forced to guard over a fancy breast plate and a bracelet.
-The Aztecs were so busy doing this they forgot to put the year 2013 on their calender.
-There's a map to some treasure on the breast plate.
-Still in flashback mode, the Professor tells his friends he and...the friend's he's talking to went to a Aztec tomb, found the mummy and the breast plate.
-Wait. Why is telling his friends what they did? Do they have horrible memories?
-The mummy comes to life and goes after the Professor. Professor realizes the mummy wants the breast plate so he returns it. The mummy, apparently, got the hots for Flora so he kidnapped her. While recusing her, Flora's dad flashed a cross, which scared the Mummy (no fucking idea why) and the tomb collasped due to a bomb.
-There's some bad guy named The Bat.
-Yes, that whole bad guy thing literally comes out of nowhere. I'm beginning to think this movie was pieced together from some other movie or show or something.
-The Bat wants the breast plate so he takes the breast plate and kidnaps some if not all of the following people: The Professor, Flora, some dude, a kid, and one of the professor's friends. The Professor is being forced to do...something for The Bat. Thankfully, the mummy shows up for the breast plate, pours acid on The Bat's henchman Bruno, and leaves. The Professor and his fellow prisoner escape.
-The Bat hypnotizes Flora and has her tell him where the Mummy is now staying since the tomb is gone. I guess he's renting a place while it's being rebuilt.
-Once the location of the mummy along with the breast plate is revealed, The Bat works on a plan to steal it.
-Which takes five years.
-This brings us to now, I guess. The Bat is going to steal the breast plate tonight and it's up to the Professor and his Floyd The Barber looking friend to stop him!
-The Professor and Floyd find The Bat's hideout but are captured immedately.
-The Bat does a Bond Villian move and tells them his evil plan instead of killing them. The Plan: build a robot and have it fight and kill the mummy when it awakens cause they have taken the breast plate.
-Again, without killing the Professor, The Bat turns on his robot (that she spent 5 years making) and they walk (SOOOOO.....FUCKING.......SLOOOOOOWLY) to the rented tomb where the mummy is.
-The Bat steals the breast plate and the mummy wakes up.
-The Robot and Aztec Mummy now fight.
-Meanwhile, the Professor and Floyd escape and head over to the rented tomb with the police and Flora.
-There, the Professor destroys the Robot's controls, allowing the mummy to kill the robot. The mummy then kills Bruno and The Bat. Flora uses her past life Aztec Princess powers to tell the mummy to take the shit and hide somewhere FOREVER!
-The End!!

That's seriously it. The fight lasts all of 5 minutes, if that. The "robot" is introduced in the last 10 minutes of the movie, and it's really a guy in silver tubing. This whole movie is a mess. And hey surprise surprise it was bought to American from Mexico by one K. Gordon Murray. Oh K. Gordon Murray, when will your reign of terror end?

-Jason

Monday, December 13, 2010

Twitter Event: Frankenhooker

So I got a Twitter account but it's not used very much. I just use it to promote new reviews. Nobody hardly talks to me on there (besides Maria and Sean but I talk to them at other places) and anytime I ask anyone anything there, no one responds. I DO get a lot of Follow Friday's but that's about it.

I was thinking about this and notice a thing some people do called "Live Tweeting" where someone does something and they Tweet about it or whatever. I think this is a good idea so I'm gonna do something like that!

So here's what's gonna happen:
1. On December 29th, at 9 PM Eastern Standard Time, I will Live Tweet a review for a movie.
2. The movie is going to be "Frankenhooker".
3. You can follow me at @invasionbmovies if you're on Twitter. If you are not and don't wanna join it, go to it at this page: http://twitter.com/#!/invasionbmovies and just keep an eye on that page.

I'll be posting Tweets throughout the movie, where I'll review it, riff it, tell you my thoughts about it, whatever. So yes, December 29th at 9PM! Frankenhooker! POSTER!



I can't wait!
-Jason

Friday, December 10, 2010

New Review: Forbidden Zone


Sorry it's up so late. It's been a weird crazy day.

Forbidden Zone

Much like this movie. Explaination (maybe) later.
-Jason

Monday, December 06, 2010

Jason Made A Video #11



In this video:
-Jason and Cokie shows how creepy the song "Baby It's Cold Outside" is
-Trivial Pursuit.

The reason not a lot happens in this video is because of the "Baby It's Cold Outside" segment went a bit long. So I had to cut that part to only showcase the weird lyrics, then cut out two other segments I filmed. Otherwise, this video would be 20 minutes long.

Enjoy!
-Jason

The Return of Jason!

Ok, I didn't really go anywhere. It just felt like forever since I posted anything cause it's been a long ass weekend. I have one of those shitty ass jobs wher I have to work on weekends. Stay in school, kids!

Smoke lots of weed but stay in school.

Anyway. The start of Reader's Choice months has officially began! In case you missed it, I recently reviewed "Dumpster Baby", which got a whopping 19 votes. The next four polls only got 7 or 8 votes so I dunno who was around that first week then suddenly said "Fuck this blog" and left but, uh, thanks?

Actually, I have a theory about that first week, which I'm gonna have to keep to myself. If you're DYING to know what it is, email me (invasionofthebmovies@gmail.com) and I'll tell you.

And that brings the close the last poll, which means the final movie I'll be watching on December 31st is "Stuff Stephanie In The Incinerator", which is a movie where there isn't a lot of info about. So I guess the only way people will learn about movies is through me! That's fuckin' awesome, man!

I'm actually curious about that movie so hopefully it'll be worth the wait. Meanwhile, I have to get through "Forbidden Zone", "Drive-In Massacre", and "Christmas Evil" first.

And finally, I somehow got nothing but TV shows in from my Netflix. I sorta gave up on TV some years ago, only getting into a handful of shows ("Lost" and "24" being two of those, which are now both gone) but I keep hearing a lot about some other shows, so I'm checking them now.

You guys, why didn't anyone force me to watch "The Venture Brothers"? This show is great! It's pretty funny but not rolling on the floor hilarious. It's very clever and pretty spot on, for being a parody of those '60's action shows featuring smart kids and whatnot.

And finally, I'm probably gonna film a "Jason Made A Video" tomorrow. Oh, speaking of, there's this:

Linky cause video biggy!

Enjoy!
-Jason

Friday, December 03, 2010

New Review: Dumpster Baby


Dear Troma,

You owe me an explaination on what the fuck happened in this movie!

Dumpster Baby

Thanks!
-Jason

Tuesday, November 30, 2010

Guest Review: Little Shop of Horrors

True story: I was going through my email a few months back and got an email from someone saying they're a freelance writer and would love to write for my site/blog, but I gotta mention some other thing they do or whatever. Thinking this was clever spam, I ignored it and went on with my life.

Flashforward to a month later and Nolahn on his site put up a guest review...from the same person. Realizing this was a real person who wanted to write for my site in exchange for a link, I emailed her back and said, "Oh ok." So after some exchanges, this is what she came up with.

To get the linkage out of the way, here's her info/bio/whatever:
As unexpected as her path was to loving all things weird, more unexpected is her ability to get attention for writing about the stuff. From Japanese horror and Korean melodrama, to the acid soaked animation of the 70s, Camiele White loves to talk about, debate, and watch film that teases, pleases, and trashes the senses. Right now, she gets her jabberjaw jollies writing about Halloween costumes. If you want to give her a buzz, she can be reached at cmlewhite at gmail [dot] com.

And here's her review of "Little Shop of Horrors", the original.

Curious Botany: The Little Shop of Horrors



For the most part, I’m staunchly against any and all remakes. When it comes to reinventing the wheel, as it were, most film studios are found wanting. They usually miss the original intent, completely disregarding the spirit of the original film and opting for an update that takes the very soul out of the original film.

However, my friends, there are those rare moments when the original was nothing more than a cosmic joke, and by divine intervention a half-crazed puppeteer stumbles upon it, letting his wild imagination take the film to new heights. As it is, The Little Shop of Horrors is one such cosmic joke. Quite literally, it came about as an excuse to use left over sets and see what he could do with them. With a budget of $30,000 and a two day old script, Roger Corman, whether he realised it at the time or not, created what would become an instant cult classic.

In 1960, Roger Corman and Charles B. Griffith were just sitting around slinging liquor and ideas back and forth about their newest cinematic venture. At the time, they were playing with the idea of gluttony, Griffiths had the brilliant idea of making a story about a salad chef who went all demonic-barber-of-Fleet-Street one day and decided to start using the customers as the food. Because of the moral code of Hollywood in the 50s and 60s, that idea was a big no-no. So, in a drunken haze, he said, “Well, why not a man-eating plant?” To which Corman eagerly agreed.

What came out of that midnight jaunty on the town was a script written with the speed of a midnight bullet train and produced in half that time. Corman, while walking through the sets of Chaplin Studios, devised some incredible possibilities for his drunken script idea. From it came a two day shoot that culminated in one of the most beloved and unusual films to come out of the low-budget goldmine of late 50s and early 60s Hollywood.

Using stock characters from previous films, family members, and a thick coating of Jewish sarcasm, Roger Corman succeeded in bringing a concept to fruition that would’ve probably been lost on anyone who lacked even an ounce of this man’s crazy genius. The mythology of the film is as memorable as the vanishing act done by the characters in the film. From the two day shoot being a bet between Corman and a friend that he couldn’t possibly conceive a film in that amount of time, to the script being half ad-libbed, The Little Shop of Horrors managed to change the game ever so slightly.

What tickles me is that it didn’t even get a great deal of recognition in its original permutation. It was basically a way to keep prices down and still manage to make a passable attempt at a film. What came later in the film’s lifetime was an off-Broadway, Motown laced masterpiece; a 1986 reimagining with puppet freak Jim Henson at the helm; a 1991 cartoon on Fox Kids (which I did watch, thank you very much, along with the animated version of Bettlejuice); and a 2003 Broadway revival --all of this from a film that was just something for Corman to do on the week-end.

You’ll notice that this blog is plot-lite. It’s only because the concept of a man-eating Venus flytrap practically writes itself. Imagine if you will Chicago’s Skid Row: rain, desolation, hookers and stay at home moms sharing the same apartment buildings. In the midst of all this depression is a little flower shop hard on its luck run by a crazy German expat named Mr. Mushnik and his delinquent, absent-minded store clerk, Seymour Krelboin (changed to Krelborn in the musical and 1986 film adaptation). Seymour sews the seeds of a man-eating new species of plant hell-bent on taking over the world. What’s there to write about?

What’s truly admirable is that the film actually became greater than the sum of its parts. It became of a piece of film history that transformed into a piece of Broadway fanaticism, as beloved and praised as Les Misérables or The Phantom of the Opera. I can’t stress enough how much of an impact this film’s 1986 remake had on my childhood. Truth be told, it’s the first remake of a very scarce few that has exceeded the mission and glory of its former self. For that, I tip my hat to Roger Corman for the balls it took to take a sketch budget and leftovers and create a masterpiece.


See? It's that easy! If YOU want to write something for Invasion of the B Movies, send something saying so to invasionofthebmoviesatgmaildotcom. You can break that apart easily, I think.
-Jason

Monday, November 29, 2010

Reader's Choice Poll #5: December 31st Review

Man, I can't believe NO ONE picked "Silent Night, Deadly Night Part 2". Do you NOT know how awesome that movie is?? HUH??? Oh well. "Christmas Evil" it is.

This is the last one, folks, so make it a good (or bad...whatever) one.

1. The Creeping Terror-
IMDB Says: "A creature that looks like a cross between a Chinese dragon puppet and the Pope sucks up people into its maw. A sheriff, his wife, and a "handsome" scientist battle it to the end, with a sub plot about the evils of bachelorhood."

2. Plan 9 From Outer Space-A classic b-movie. Do you think I should get it over with already?
IMDB Says: "Evil aliens attack Earth and set their terrible "Plan 9" in action. As the aliens resurrect the dead of the Earth to destroy the living, our stupid minds are in danger."

3. Robot Monster-
IMDB Says: "The Robot Monster has been sent to Earth as the advance party of an impending invasion. Ordered by The Great One to capture several humans, the Robot Monster becomes confused once it learns more about humans."

4. Stuff Stephanie In The Incinerator-I know, this one came out of nowhere. I saw it on Netflix and it sounds like my cup of tea.
IMDB Says: Nothing. There's no plot description. Uh-oh.

So there you have it. And to think, when this poll ends, the first Reader's Choice review will be up. I guess it's true when they say it always comes in the end...wait.
-Jason

Sunday, November 28, 2010

Bride of the Monster


I guess I have a little more pull than I realize.

There's a big top secret forum for LAMB members only and one of the things discussed in there are all the different features that are featured on the LAMB. One of these things is called LAMB In The Director's Chair, where for three days, the LAMB focuses on a director. I've partaken in this before when that Kathryn chick was the main feature and I took on "Near Dark" and "Point Break", two movies that nearly cost me all my readers.

Well, at some point, the guy that runs it (I forget his name. Billy? Ted? Something like that) asked us for suggestions. OF COURSE people were like "Clint Eastwood! Martin Scorsese! Woody Allen!" and I was like "Ed Wood!" Cause, well, he's a director. And I find his movies MUCH more entertaining.

This was like two years ago and NOW....taa-daa! He's a featured director! I caused a thing to happen! Thanks Billy! Or Ted!

My first movie from Mr. Wood's catalog is going to be "Bride of the Monster". If you seen the Tim Burton film "Ed Wood" you seen some mention of this movie and how it was made...sort of. It stars Bela Lugosi and some people Ed Wood knew and some people who was putting up money for this project. Cause when you are begging people for money, you'll do just about anything, including putting them in your monster/atomic movie.

The movie starts with two guys in the woods just kinda standing around. It's never said what they were doing or where they were going. And it's raining. They decide to get out of the rain, so they go to a nearby house and knock on the door. Bela answers and yells at them in his accent to go away. At least he didn't turn them into The Human Centipede.

So the guys start roaming around, not knowing what to do cause Ed Wood didn't think that far into their story, when one of them falls into a hole. The hole, I guess, is connected to some water source and in this water source is an octopus. Or at least stock footage of an octopus.

The one guy is pretty much eaten while the other guy is attacked by Lobo, this big giant not-that-bright guy played by Tor Johnson. Lobo brings the other guy back to Bela's lab and he's turned into segment B of the Human Centipede!

Ok, just kidding.

Bela starts talking but his accent, mixed with his withdrawls of heroin, makes him hard to understand. Something about either making him a super invinsible giant or...dead. Bela throws a switch and guy ends up dead. Oh well. Octopus food!

Thanks to some....eyewitness reports? I guess? the newspaper reports on a monster attacking the two dudes. We go to the police station and Detective Dick, who's girlfriend Janet is a reporter doing all the stories about monsters. Dick and his police chief, played by 9-fingered Harvey B. Dunn, aren't happy about this. Janet wants Dick to talk but he won't, so she says screw you and goes investigating on her own.

While she's off doing that, another badly accented dude named Prof. Strowski appears, saying he knows what all this monster business is about. He's willing to help out the police by tagging along with Dick to investigate the swamp all these monster sightings are happening.

Janet is driving to the swamp herself when she simply drives off the road and crashes. I guess cause she's a woman in the 50's, I dunno. Lobo finds her and takes her in, "Misery" style. Bela wakes her and introduces himself...then immediately puts her back to sleep. Maybe she'll be segment B.

I have Human Centipede on the mind, sorry.

The next day, Dick finds that Strowski left on his own so Dick goes chasing after Strowski. Strowski shows up at Bela's and there's a 20 minute discussion scene where they just basically said this: Bela was from some country but he fled cause no one liked his work. His country realizes maybe Bela might be onto something so they hired Strowski to bring him back, under any circumstances. So what's Bela's plan, exactly?

I have no idea. It's not really clear. It has something to do with the giant octopus that exists in stock footage, plus the making the giant supermen he tried to make earlier. So I dunno. Anyway, Bela doesn't wanna leave so he has Strowski killed by a fake rubber octopus that doesn't move cause they forgot the motor.

Dick finds Janet's car and realizes she's in danger. He takes off running to Bela's place and...ok where the fuck is Bela's place? Everyone makes it seem like they have to hike 20 miles to get there but other people just randomly find it easily. I don't get it.

Bela puts Janet in a bride's dress and declares her The Bride of the Atom...or the monster. I guess he was going to superman her and have her fuck the octopus? I don't know. Thankfully, Dick shows up to stop Bela, but Lobo gets the jump on him and knocks him out.

Oh, one weird thing is Bela likes to whip Lobo, sometimes for no reason. So all this whipping got Lobo mad and he decides to revolt...kinda randomly actually. He knocks Bela out and frees Janet. Janet then frees Dick, while Dick frees the dog and the dog frees Lincoln while Lincoln frees the slaves!

Sorry.

While all this freeing is happening, Lobo puts Bela on the table and does whatever to make him superman or kill him. This time....he becomes superman. And by superman, I mean Bela is replaced with a stunt double and the double is wearing platform shoes. It's pretty hilarious.

Bela kills Lobo and grabs Janet. Dick runs out to help her and suddenly it's an editor's nightmare.

-We get scenes of Bela on a soundstage just grimacing.
-We get scenes of Dick running around.
-We get scenes of the police chief running around.
-There's footage of the octopus just chilling.

All kinda mished mashed. Dick finds Janet and saves her. Then he pushes a boulder on Bela, causing him to fly into a water source where he has to move the octopus' arms since they forgot the motor. Then kind of out of nowhere, Bela's house explodes, and the chief gives us this great line:

"He tampered in God's domain."

The end.

The only way you should see this movie is seeing it on MST3K. The riffing is hilarious. The movie? It's unintentionally funny but pretty painful. You'll be mainly confused by a lot of what's going on. So anyway, this is one Ed Wood review in the books.

-Jason

Saturday, November 27, 2010

More of Me!

So the past week I been on a podcast rampage! Not only did I do a new Lair episode last Friday, but I was also asked to be a guest on TWO other podcasts! How awesome is that?

First up, Kai Parker from "The List", who also sometimes do LAMBcasts with me, asked me to be the sole guest on The MILFcast. There, we talked about b-movies, our favorite b-movies, I suffered through "Kai Is Always Right", and then played his game The Game. You can listen to it here. I can't get the embed code to work, so sorry.

Next up, Nick Jobe from "Random Ramblings of a Demented Doorknob" asked me to be on the third episode of his new podcast and I said hells yes! Instead of talking b-movies, we talked about our Top Five favorite Time Travel movies, recreated a scene from Clerks 2 with Jeff Goldblum and Tommy Wiseau (You gotta listen to the show to get what that means), and finally I suffered through The Demented Tower.



I won't say which show it was but I did great in one show and horribly in the other in terms of the games. Of course, you should listen to both episodes to see if I'm tricking you and either I did great in both or did horrible. Either way, there ya go.

And since the LAMBcast is gonna be all about movies I'm probably not gonna see, I won't be on there for awhile. So I should be able to give my voice a break for the next week or so.

Enjoy!
-Jason

Friday, November 26, 2010

New Review: Cheerleader Ninjas


I should've listened to my computer.

Cheerleader Ninjas

Enjoy?
-Jason

Thursday, November 25, 2010

Thanksgiving: Invasion of the B Movies Style


Hello, readers. Happy Thanksgiving. I wanted to take a minute out of my busy day (I gotta review Cheerleader Ninjas, y'know) to make this special post.

To every single person reading this right now, I give thanks.

To every single person who visits The Site, I give thanks.

To every single person who listens to The Lair of the Unwanted, I give thanks.

To my podcasting partner Nolahn for accepting an email from a stranger and accepting the task of being my co-host, which is a dangerous task, I give thanks.

To all the people who participated in the Mass Invasions (Bill, Adam, Maria, Sean, Rachael, Devon, Nolahn, that French/Canadian dude, Wings, and if I forgot anyone, I'm sorry my memory sucks) for watching some real shitty movies, I give thanks.

To Dylan and Rachel at The LAMB for letting a dumbass like me in and participate in stuff, I give thanks.

To the 10 million other Rachel/Rachael's that I know, I apologize for always mixing you up, and I give thanks.

To everybody who is a LAMB and reading/checking out my stuff, I give thanks.

To people from Uwe Boll to Peter Jackson to Kevin Kangas to Kevin Woods to Kevin Woods' friend who was recently in The Walking Dead as asshole Ed who (Spoiler alert) got his ass handed to him then (BIGGER SPOILER ALERT) got eaten by a zombie to Flint Martini to everybody at The Asylum to Ed Wood to Danny Elfman to Lloyd Kaufman and everyone at Troma to just any misguided soul who got a bug up their ass and made a shitty movie, for making the kind of movies that'll allow a site and blog like mine to operate and to give all of us some amusement, I give thanks.

Last but not least, to my fiancee Felicia, who doesn't read any of this stuff and thinks what I do is stupid, silly, and a waste of time, but she lets me do it anyway and for that, I give thanks.

Have a safe Thanksgiving, people. Don't drink, text, or give blowjobs and drive and eat a lot. We're all wearing layers anyway, no can tell if you're fat or not.
-Jason

Tuesday, November 23, 2010

Let's Remake Plan 9!


Some time ago, I saw a trailer that got me excited! I ruined a-many LAMBcast's talking about this during Trailer Talk (Back when it was "BYOT: Bring your own trailer") when it was announced. This is a trailer for a serious remake of "Plan 9 From Outer Space".



It's due to be relased in 2011 (unless the Mayans were wrong) and I can't wait.

But let's pretend for a moment this remake wasn't happening. There was no monster, no man named Douglas to be found. (I'll explain this reference some day, I swear.) Let's pretend, then, that Hollywood got ahold of the remake script, decided to spend a shitload of money on it, and spent actual time on making a decent film on an interesting idea. (Say what you will about Plan 9, it's a pretty good idea for a story.) Who would play what? And who would write and direct it? I shall answer those questions for you now!

(I want to say that I'm only casting the main people. There are a few roles like some army people, some flight attendants, and a general that don't need a big name actor, unless you wanna be cutesy and give them cameo roles, like Michael J. Nelson as the General or something.)

Jeff-Originally played by Gregory Walcott.
The character of Jeff is suppose to be the strong strapping husband and hero of the movie. He's a pilot and doesn't take any of this alien/rising dead nonsense standing still! So who to cast him in the remake?



Ryan Reynolds. I think he'd be a great Jeff. He's handsome, he's fit, and since he's seems to play in a lot of superhero movies, he can kick some ass. Plus, ladies, imagine him in a pilot's uniform. Yep, you better go get changed.

Paula-Originally played by Mona McKinnon.
Paula is Jeff's wife. She spends most of the movie being scared, being chased, and pretty much passed out. Since it's the year 2010, I imagine this role is probably gonna change a bit and have her a bit tougher and able to stand her own ground. Oh and most likely, she's gonna be unbelieveably hot. This is a tough one but I'll go with...



Scarlett Johannson. I really had a tough time figuring this one but I think it'd work. She's hot, she was awesome in Iron Man 2. And I promise I'm not gonna be casting nothing but people who were in superhero movies. I swear. And plus...she's REALLY married (I think married) to Ryan Reynolds. I know movies with a real life married couple playing a couple in the movie don't do that great, but these two don't seem as annoying as Ben Affleck and Jennifer Lopez or Tom Cruise and Nicole Kidman. At least I don't think so.

Inspector Dan Clay-Originally played by Tor Johnson.
Oh man, this is going to really tough. There's no one really still alive to capture this big hulking guy who can't talk right. Granted, this character doesn't need to be a big hulking guy who can't talk right, but I think for old times sakes, it should. So I guess the obvious choice would have to be...



Kane Hodder. This dude is GIANT! And he's scary looking. And he does OTHER things besides play Jason. I think it'd be a perfect fit.

The Wife/Vampire Girl-Originally played by Vampira.
Yeah, you could be funny and cast Elvira in this role. But think about it. Vampira is/was a hot chick with nice tits, kinda pale, and very goth looking. Think about a modern actress that fits that description. I'll give you a minute...hint...Tim Burton...



Helena Bonham Carter. Right? Right? You're picturing it, don't deny it. Yeah, she won't be speaking much (if at all) but who knows? In the remake, they might have a scene showing her before she died.

The Ruler-Played by "Bunny" Breckinridge.
This is probably going to be the most drastic change of character. Bunny Breckinridge was a friend of Ed Wood's and was cast in the movie cause of this. If you couldn't tell, Bunny was gay and it really showed in the movie. So the problem is the casting of this. I'm sure the character of the Ruler, the head alien in charge of this invasion, wasn't meant to be gay at all. It just kinda happened. But when I was thinking of this role, one person came to mind that I think would do a good job with it...and he happens to be gay. Quite famously.



Alan Cumming. He's a pretty good actor. He can play a straight guy. He can play an American (I believe he's British or something). So he could play this character the right way, I believe. He just happens to be gay. So sue me.

Eros and Tanna-Originally played by Dudley Manlove (*snicker*) and Joanna Lee.
They were the two alien helpers/assistants who set motion this Plan 9. I grouped them together cause they rarely have scenes individually. So, we need a guy and a girl who work good together. How about...



John and Joan Cusack. Ok, the characters aren't related...or are they? It's not ever said really. So in the remake, we don't have to say but why not? Plus, John and Joan been in a number of movies togethers where their characters weren't related. Why none of the other characters ever acknowledge that they look alike is beyond me but whatever.

The Patrolman-Played by Conrad Brooks. Also a friend of Ed Wood's. He looked like he was 12 in this movie. People are going to kill me for this choice but try to think about it...



Shia LaBeouf. I know I know I KNOW! He's annoying. He thinks he's too big of a star for such a small part. I KNOW! But I can't think of any other younger actor who's more perfect for the part of a twerpy rookie cop who's kinda useless.

Lt. John Harper-Originally played by Duke Moore. This may not sound like a familar character to you by name, but he had a big part in the movie. He was the idiot cop who kept pointing at everything (including himself) with his gun. If you make him a bit smarter and maybe a bit more cooler you'd get...



Joesph-Gordon "Jo-go" Levitt. I just wanted to cast him in something. So sue me.

I don't get why he's called this but Ghoul Man-Originally played By Bela Lugosi. This is going to be really, really hard. Bela's really only in some small parts of the movie. He famously died during the filming of it and a replacement was casted, with the guy covering his face. I really hate to lose that so maybe in the remake what could happen is when he's alive he could be normal, but he died in a horrible accident, disfiguring his face. When he's reanimated, he's a bit shy about this so he covers his face. How about....



Robert Englund. Yeah, there'll be call-backs to Freddy, but he don't have to be BURNT per-se. Plus, he'll have experience on playing a guy with a fucked up face. Maybe he's not a fan of his real face? You never know.

Last but not least...Criswell-Originally played by himself.
This is the narrator of the whole movie. Now-a-days, movies don't have narrators. So if you kinda change it up a bit, you could make this character a news jouralist or a news reporter or maybe a talk show host. Let's go with news reporter. Someone trust worthy, covering and recapping everything. He's got to have a great voice. I'm talking about...



Bill Kurtis. He's a real news guy. He was the narrator in "Anchorman" but he can do the same thing here, but seriously. Plus imagine him saying this:
"Greetings, my friend. We are all interested in the future, for that is where you and I are going to spend the rest of our lives. And remember, my friend, future events such as these will affect you in the future. You are interested in the unknown, the mysterious, the unexplainable. That is why you are here. And now, for the first time, we are bringing to you the full story of what happened on that fateful day. We are giving you all the evidence, based only on the secret testimonies of the miserable souls who survived this terrifying ordeal. The incidents, the places, my friend, we cannot keep this a secret any longer. Let us punish the guilty. Let us reward the innocent. My friend, can your heart stand the shocking facts about grave robbers from outer space?"

Ok maybe not. It'll have to rewritten a bit. But still. Keep in the "this is where and I are going to spend the rest of our lives" bit. If this was a comedy, this could go to Stephen Colbert. Not that I think he can't do serious, but if people see he's in a movie nowadays, they'll expect comedy.

So there you have it. This would probably be the best remake ever! Oh, right. Who would write and direct it. Well why not...



Stranger things have happened.
-Jason

Monday, November 22, 2010

Reader's Choice Poll #4: December 24th Review

This winner surprise me, really. It was a dead heat for most of the week but at the last second someone voted for "Drive-In Massacre", making it this week's winner. I'm kinda glad, honestly. That should balance out the weirdness of the first two weeks.

Onto the next week, as you see by the date, it'll be Christmas Eve when this review goes up, so naturally a Christmas movie is in order. But which one? Here are your choices:

1. Christmas Evil (AKA You Better Watch Out)-
IMDB Says: "Widely recognized as the best of the Christmas horror efforts, Christmas Evil is the story of a boy who loves Christmas. He is scarred as a boy when he learns that Santa is not real. Throughout the rest of his life, the toy-maker tries to make the Christmas spirit a reality. He becomes obsessed with the behavior of children and the quality of the toys he makes. When he is met with hypocrisy and cynicism, the resulting snap causes him to go on a yuletide killing spree to complete this dark comedic horror."

2. Santa Claus Conquers The Martians-A MST3K classic!
IMDB Says: "Martians, upset that their children have become obsessed with TV shows from Earth which extoll the virtues of Santa Claus, start an expedition to Earth to kidnap the one and only Santa. While on Earth, they kidnap two lively children that lead the group of Martians to the North Pole and Santa. The Martians then take Santa and the two children back to Mars with them. Voldar, a particularly grumpy Martian, attempts to do away with the children and Santa before they get to Mars, but their leader Lomas stops him. When they arrive on Mars, Santa, with the help of the two Earth children and a rather simple-minded Martian lackey, overcomes the Martians by bringing fun, happiness and Christmas cheer to the children of Mars."

3. Silent Night, Deadly Night Part 2-Oh FUCK YEAH!
IMDB Says: "The door of the mental hospital opens, releasing Ricky from its confines. He takes with him the terrifying memory of his brother Billy's death and the burning image of Mother Superior-the powerful figure that brought about his brother's violent demise. For Ricky, starting a new life means avenging his brother's death. By whatever means necessary, whether it be the cutting edge of a shiny steel knife blade, or the electrifying charge of a set of battery cables, Ricky is set in this blind journey of revenge leading ultimately to Mother Superior. As Mother Superior prays in the dark, we suggest she say an extra prayer for herself, because not even her faith will be enough to stop Ricky. But prayers will do little for in the silent part of this night!"

4. Don't Open Till Christmas-
IMDB Says: "A murderer is running loose through the streets of London, hunting down men dressed as Santa and killing them all in different, and extremely violent, fashions. Inspector Harris has decided to take on the unenviable task of tracking down the psychopath, but he's going to have his work cut out for him. Only the suspicious reporter, Giles, seems to offer the Inspector any promising leads."

5. Santa Claws-On the latest episode of "The Lair" I said the fifth title was Silent Night, Bloody Night. But as I was getting the description I found it doesn't really have anything to do with Christmas. So I took it off and replaced it with this one.
IMDB Says: "Raven Quinn is a scream queen with a couple of problems... her marriage is falling apart and her next door neighbor is not the nice guy he seems to be. You see, he is obsessed with Raven and wants to do anything to make her happy. This includes anyone he feels is exploiting her in even the slightest way. He gets nuttier and nuttier and eventually begins dressing up like Santa Claus and killing people with a claw."

There ya go! Five Christmas "classics"! Pick wisely! Lump of coal! Usual Christmas jokes here!
-Jason

Saturday, November 20, 2010

The Lair of the Unwanted #11: MST3K Appreciation Part 2: The Joel Years



We finished up our appreciation of all things Mystery Science Theater 3000 by talking about Joel Hodgeson, who played Joel Robinson for five seasons, on top of being the creator of the whole damn show! To help discuss all things Joel, frequent writer at Invasion of the B Movies Maria stops by to confess her love for Joel.

In one of the more action packed episodes, Jason announces that December is going to be Reader's Choice month at The Site and having the readers pick what movies he should review. Nolahn tells us about all the great things that went down during his B-Movie Bonanaza.

We all also come clean and talk about our favorite Joel episodes, read what the listeners said were their favorites, and respond to our first email! YAY!!

Then after a brief tense flashback, we discuss the history of MST3k, about the creations and it's beginnings in Minnisota, explaining why part 2 is occuring in November.

The movies, and episodes, discussed were "Gamera vs Guiron" (Episode 312) and "Warrior of the Lost World" (Episode 501).

Some stuff to click on:
www.invasionofthebmovies.com/battlefieldearth.html (One of the many Mass Invasions Maria did with Jason and a few others)
www.invasionofthebmovies.com/murdersetpieces.html (To see how I REALLY feel about Murder Set Pieces)
http://bargainbinreview.com/blog/2010/11/09/wrap-up-bargain-bin-review-b-movie-bonanza/ (Video footage of the Bonanza)
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=M9DaTinwfAE&NR=1 (A snippit of the KTMA-era)
www.facebook.com/thelairoftheunwanted (Official Facebook Page of The Lair)
thelairunwanted@gmail.com (Email address)

Friday, November 19, 2010

New Review: Ninja Cheerleaders


The review that was delayed cause of the USPS is now up!

Ninja Cheerleaders


Enjoy!
-Jason

Tuesday, November 16, 2010

Jason Made A Video #10



Jason doesn't know what to do for the 10th video.

Monday, November 15, 2010

Reader's Choice Poll #3: December 17th Review

Man, December is going to be a weird month for me. First "Dumpster Baby", now "Forbidden Zone". Not that I'm complaining, I think these choices are awesome. So let's do the third one, shall we?

1. Fear No Evil-
IMDB Says: "High school student turns out to be personification of Lucifer. Two arch angels in human form (as women) take him on."

2. Godzilla vs MechaGodzilla-Possibly my favorite Godzilla film!
IMDB Says: "Aliens intend to take over the planet and, just in case Godzilla tries to interfere, have built a mechanical version of him to put an end to his interference. The Earth humans summon the legendary King Seesar to assist Godzilla in the battle."

3. TerrorVision-
IMDB Says: "A civilization on a distant planet has found a way to solve its garbage problem: turning it into energy and beaming it into outer space. A flaw in this system is found when the signal is accidentally picked up on Earth by the Putterman Family's home satellite dish. While this would ordinarily be just another mess, this particular transmission contains a hungry trash monster who quickly begins snacking on various Puttermans. Only young Sherman Putterman has any clue what is going on, but nobody will believe him. Is there any hope for the Earth?"

4. Wasp Woman-
IMDB Says: "The founder and owner of a cosmetic factory, Janice Starlin (Susan Cabot), is concerned with the dropping sale results of her company. The scientist Eric Zinthrop (Michael Mark) offers to her his research with wasp enzymes that makes animals younger, and she immediately accepts to hire him, provided she becomes his human subject. She decides by her own to accelerate the treatment injecting additional serum trying to see earlier results, becoming the lethal "Wasp Woman"."

5. Drive-In Massacre-
IMDB Says: "Two police detectives try to catch a serial killer who is stalking a rural California drive-in theater, randomly killing people with a sword."

Ok, those are the next five! The poll will be up until Friday so don't delay!
-Jason

Friday, November 12, 2010

Sad News!

I need to carefully word this because yesterday, on top of it being Veteran's Day, which is an awesome way to give thanks to all the men and women in the military for doing things I'd never want to do in a million years, it was also National Everyone Is A Sensitive Dumbass and Takes Nice Meaningless Things And Turns Them Into Evil Things Day.

First there was the story that the front page of Google yesterday had a Islamic symbol in their name, right next to an American flag.

Then there's the one about people hating Jim Davis cause they thought he was insulting veteran's in his comic strip, which if you dont' know is about a certain fat orange cat who loves lasagna, hates Mondays, and hates spiders even more. Yes, I'm talking about "Ziggy".

So what I'm about to say, to carefully word this for the same dumbasses, is thanks to the United States Postal Service not running yesterday, I have no review for you today. I'm not saying it's cause of Veteran's Day. I'm glad we have Veteran's Day. But does the post office need to be closed of it? I just want to know.

The movie I was gonna be reviewing was SUPPOSE to arrive yesterday. I was counting on it to arrive yesterday. But nope. I checked my mail yesterday to find it sans Netflix DVD and I did a Darth Vader "NOOOOOOOOOO!!!" in my apartment lobby. How I'm still living here, is beyond me.

So anyway, long story short (too late) I'm gonna be bumping this down to next week. Sorry if you waited a whole week to hear my thoughts on Ninja Cheerleaders. Blame the USPS, not me.

I doubt there's any fans of the USPS. I should be in the clear on that one.
-Jason

Wednesday, November 10, 2010

POST 700!!



700 posts. Jesus. (I know, irnoic with the picture and everything. Sometimes I don't think these things through.)

I've made a bid deal about these types of posts before so I knew I needed to do something special for this one. Unfortunately, I don't really have anything planned. So instead I'm gonna talk a lot about some cool shit! How about that? WOO!!!

1. The director of "Timecrimes" saw the third episode of "Jason Made A Video" where I talked about his movie, then sorta recreated it, and he posted about it on his Twitter. This made me go WHOA! Yeah, I should be use of getting the attention of movie directors, but this guy is kind of a big deal! A lot of people REALLY like "Timecrimes" and I think he's gonna head up the American remake (of course there's an American remake). Hmm..I wonder if he'd cast me as Hector? Hell, I'll even take the Lab Guy part. That'd be awesome!

2. I've done some LAMBcasts that I haven't posted about. The main one I wanna feature here though is the Halloween episode. This is probably by far the most interesting episode ever. Here's some behind the scenes tidbits for you!
I was set to host all along, but I wasn't sure who all was gonna be on with me. Dylan's not a big horror movie guy and Nick said he had something to do. Kai said he'd love to do it, along with James. At the last minute, Dylan emailed me with a new suggestion for a topic (the original was Top Five Favorite Movies to Watch on Halloween) and I passed it along to everyone else.

Nick, seriously at the LAST MINUTE said he'd do it. Oh and earlier that day, I had like the worst day at work. And it was Dylan's birthday. So take all of that and mix it and you got the weirdest sounding episode ever!! This episode took about 3 hours to record and Dylan sent it to me to edit it down. I got it down to an hour and a half (give or take) and a lot of it was me sounding pissed off, it seeming like everyone was making fun of me, everyone annoying everyone else, and to top it all off, it was my turn to have my website audio blustered. Listening back to it, I can hear the hate and anguish in my voice. But in the end, Dylan Nick Kai and James are still my friends and I'm glad we got through that. So give that a listen!
(As of this writing, they're still my friends. Maybe it's what they WANT me to believe!)

3. I bought some interesting movies this past week. I bought "Frankenhooker", which was made by the same dude that made "Basket Case", so my expectations are high on this one. I also bought "Trick R' Treat" cause that movie was just great. And I also bought "Suicide Girls Must Die!" If that sounds familar, it's cause it's part of the Reader's Choice Poll. But I heard of this movie prior to putting it on the poll. Honestly, even if it's not picked, I'm gonna watch it soon anyway.

That's it, honestly. I don't have much else to say. 300 more posts and I'll be at 1000. Man. That probably won't be until 2018, where I'll be posting it in my flying car while getting a blowjob from a robot named Susie 9000. Can't wait.
-Jason

Jason & Bill Meet The Human Centipede

True story.

Mid-October, I'm doing a trip to Target to get some things. As always, I snoop through the DVD department to see if anything went on sale or what's new for the week. The particular week I went, there was one movie that was new:



MOTHERFUCKING HUMAN CENTIPEDE!!

My exact reaction to this was "WHAT?? WHY IS TARGET SELLING THIS???" Then I had to explain to security why I was screaming in their DVD isle. I have not seen the movie at this point but I knew a few things about it. I knew some fucked up shit happened. I knew it was kinda gross. And probably just not right. So why is Target selling this? Why am I not finding this movie at a flea market or at some crusty shady video store or out of some guys van? Really? This movie is available to the public to buy all willy-nilly? Wow!

So I bought it.

As I was walking home, a thought crossed my mind.

"This movie is too epic to watch by myself. I need to share this experience with as many people as I can."

Knowing that the first weekend in November I was going to be returning to my hometown up in NorthWest Indiana, I decided to see if any of my friends up there would gather to experience the viewing of this instant cult classic.

My best friend Bill was all for it. He was cool with having it happen at his house. I decided to set up a Facebook page and invite all the NWI (Not Netflix Instant Watch, Dylan and Nick) people over. I was gonna buy some brewski's and start all the shenanagins at midnight.

Flashforward to the day before I leave. The Facebook event had confirmed guests: me and Bill. That. Was. It. I don't know if everyone just pussied out, or were not available, or even "not available" meaning "Yeah I rather jump into Lake Michigan naked during December while eating ice cream than watch this stupid movie with them two."

I was hoping maybe someone would change their mind and maybe show up. I bought some other movies and decided hey let's stay up all fucking night watching shitty movies! YA-HA!!!

So I arrive the night of Thursday, November 4th. Still no other people interested. By the time midnight Friday rolled around, I gave up hope. Me and Bill didn't even bother going back to his house. We knew no one was there.

Flashforward again to Saturday night. After visiting my Mom, me and Bill went to get some food and we said "fuck it. Let's just watch it our own damn selves!" Bill said 'FUCK YEAH', which was unfortunate cause we were still in the restaurant.

Now, if you made it this far, AND you watched my latest "Jason Made A Video", you kinda got a glimpse on what we thought of the movie when we return to his house at 1AM that Saturday night/Sunday morning. Here, is my full report, as it was happening. Take this with a grain of salt cause I was a bit intoxicated.

The movie starts and it plays out like a typical horror movie. Some creepy looking guy. Two stupid (and I mean STUPID) girls. Dark night. Woods. Car breaks down. Instead of, say, walking down the fucking road they were on, these two geniuses head off into the woods. There, they find a nice house. They knock on the door and creepy dude answers. He immedately drugs their drinks and they pass out.

They wake up, find themselves tied to hospital beds and learn creepy guy is/was a doctor and he wants to make the worlds first Human Centipede by connecting them mouth to ass. There's a Japanese guy who only speaks Japanese, which makes for an interesting "head" of said centipede.

After a half-hour of waiting, the centipede is unveiled and nobody is too happy with this situation they find themselves in. And it's here that it stops being a B-movie and turns into Jason's worst nightmare. Oh my god, I need to go back in time and redo the Halloween episode of the LAMBcast cause this is my number one of things that freak me out: being a fucking human centipede!

This shit is fucked up, yo! And here's the kicker: the Japanese dude HAS TO SHIT IN THE GIRLS MOUTH!! We don't see actual shit going into her mouth but the emotions are there. Especially when the dude is like "I HAVE TO SHIT I'M SORRY!!"

Despite all three people, or one human centipede, being basically naked, we don't see the girls tits, which was a bit dissapointing cause the girls were hot. As my friend Bill said to me later, considering the situation, would I have really enjoyed it? Probably not. But still.

So the only reason this is even happening is cause creepy German doctor is CA-RAZY!! He doesn't intend to create something the scientific community has never seen before. He just wants a "pet" made up of three sad human beings, two of which are forced to eat shit FOR THE REST OF THEIR LIVES!!

Stop reading this and imagine this. You wake up, find yourself connected to the ass of someone. And you have to eat shit for the rest of your life. Try not to be disturbed by that. Go ahead and cry. I know I did.

And FUCK YOU people who were all like "Ohh, this movie is stupid. It's not scary or disturbing. It was boring. Blah blah blah." WHAT! THE! FUCK! IS! WRONG! WITH! YOU!! Are you a serial killer? Do you NOT have any emotions or souls? Are you just dead inside?

Seriously. Stare at this imagine and try NOT to get depressed.

Granted, the people in the movie are kinda throwaway characters but still, we're watching HUMAN BEINGS sewn mouth to ass, forced to eat shit, because some creepy crazy doctor guy wants a unique pet. I mean FUCK ME! For those of you NOT phased by this movie, you need to email me your address. I got some roofies and an angry Japanese guy who likes to shit a lot with your name on it.

So the final 30 minutes is REALLY crazy. Some cops show up. Creepy crazy doctor yells at them, tries to roofie them, the human centipede is slowly trying to escape. SPOILER FOR THE HUMAN CENTIPEDE BUT MOST LIKELY YOU DON'T CARE BUT JUST IN CASE!!!

....

Japanese dude kinda decides to just kill himself. The second chick who's the tail end of this centipede is dying of some weird blood thing or something. Or starvation. Whatever. The middle chick is kinda screwed cause now she's got dead bodys on both ends of her. Crazy doctor is killed, along with the cops, and the camera simply pans up and ends. Most likely that chick is dead within 24 hours cause she obviously can't move. Even if some more cops come looking for the other cops, it'll be too late.

Oh, I forgot to mention. Crazy doctor pulled out the girls teeth, inserted an esophogus into their throats, connected to the ass, into their stomaches. No amount of plastic surgery is gonna fix that. So yeah, second girl is screwed. The end.

Now, there's gonna be a sequel. No details on what's gonna happen in the sequel has been revealed besides it's gonna be a FULL sequence. I can't even imagine. I've been laying awake at night trying to imagine 12 people, all connected via asses, squirming around.

God, I never had nightmares until this movie entered my life. And you know what that means? I FUCKING LOVED IT! God, I'm sick, aren't I? I should get some help. And if you read this far, congratulations, you just read a major breakthrough about me. I'm gonna be looking up psychiatrists now. In two years, I'm gonna be a different person. Writing about Diane Keaton movies where Katherine Heigel plays her daughter and it's based on a novel by Nicholas Sparks. And wearing a beret.

Fuck, just kill me now.

-Jason

Monday, November 08, 2010

Jason Made A Video #9: Filmed On Location



In This Video:
-Jason is filming in his old hometown way up in NorthWest Indiana.
-His friend Bill Szany is on to help him.
-They discuss the movie "Motel Hell".
-They play "Fact or Crap"
-Finally, they discuss watching "The Human Centepide".

Reader's Choice Poll #2: December 10th Review

Man, you people REALLY want me to review "Dumpster Baby". So be it! The December 3rd review shall be "Dumpster Baby"! With that said, let's get into the next week review! Which of these five shall I review?

1. The Evolved-I bought this on a whim a few years ago but I never got around to it. Just a heads up, it's produced THROUGH Troma. I haven't had too much luck with those.
IMDB says: "Dead dogs, foetus burgers and Nazi clown-chefs; something smells fishy in London; and for once it's not Glover's pants. Detective Danny Glover, Scarborough Police's premier dog-napping-ring buster and general fat bastard, arrives in London to help the clinically psychotic Detective Sonny Boy with a little problem: Who is butchering London's dogs? The answer seems obvious at first, it must be Burger Priest; the Pope's Neo-Nazi clown-chef empire: home of the 'Amen with Cheese', a rancid burger made of fingernails, turds and aborted foetii; just don't ask what goes into their 'Nunion Rings'! Detectives Glover and Sonny Boy engage on a covert mission to uncover Burger Priest's dark secret; but even they are unprepared for the true horror and depth of the fast food franchise's depravity. Assisted by Feety, a heroin-addicted foetus, and Ellen Mellon, a New York reporter who also happens to be an animated ventriloquist's doll, they must reveal the Pope's evil plan and shut down Burger Priest for good. Along the way they learn the truth behind London's drug-addled pregnant teenagers and come face to face with the reality of their own sordid addictions. If this isn't enough, there's a third force at work. Something is stalking and killing Burger Priest's Nazi clown-chef army. Something that crawled out of the ocean, hell bent on revenge. A creature so terrifying men dare not speak its name; the semi-evolved shark terror known only as: THE EVOLVED. If only God existed, maybe he could help you."
That was long. (That's what...oh you know.)

2. Forbidden Zone-I've heard a lot about this movie and I think I had it on another poll before.
IMDB says: "A mysterious door in the basement of the Hercules house leads to the Sixth Dimension by way of a gigantic set of intestine. When Frenchy slips through the door, King Fausto falls in love with her. The jealous Queen Doris takes Frenchy prisoner, and it is up to the Hercules family and friend Squeezit Henderson to rescue her."

3. Meet The Feebles-
IMDB says: Heidi, the star of the "Meet The Feebles Variety Hour" discovers her lover Bletch, The Walrus, is cheating on her, and with all the world waiting for the show the assorted co-stars must contend with their own problems. These include drug addiction, extortion, robbery, disease, Drug dealing, and even murder. While this is happening the love between two of the stars is threatened by the devious Trevor the Rat, who wishes to exploit the young starlet for use in his porno movie business."

4. Shark Attack 3: Megalodon-I've raved about this movie in one of my videos. It'd be worth the review, trust me.
IMDB says: "Twenty-four million years ago, Megalodon was a 20 tonne killing machine with a 10 foot gaping bite. When two researchers discover a colossal shark's tooth off the Mexican coast their worst fears surface - the most menacing beast to ever rule the waters is still alive and mercilessly feeding on anything that crosses its path. Now they must hunt the fierce killer and destroy it... before there is no one left to stop its reign of terror!"

5. Suicide Girls Must Die!-I just bought this from Best Buy and it seems interesting.
IMDB says: "When twelve nude models for the infamous SuicideGirls.com begin disappearing from a remote cabin, the calendar video they are shooting becomes the first reality horror movie."

Ok, there ya go! It's up to you, New York readers! Let me know what you want to see reviewed on December 10th. Poll ends on Friday, so vote NOW NOW NOW!
-Jason

Wednesday, November 03, 2010

Jason On Jason: Friday the 13th Part 8: Jason Takes Manhattan


So pretty much, the makers of this movie realized they were doing Part 8 and decided to piss all over the previous films buy making up their own shit that happened to Jason. Sure, they gave the basic "Jason drowned and his mom went nuts" but when they flash back to it, it's nothing like how it happened in parts 1-3.

Hell, the beginning with Jason isn't even tied with what happened to him at the end of 7. If you recall, a psychic chick summoned her dead dad out of Crystal Lake to take Jason down to the bottom. Here, he's underneath some rubble, like he was a victim of a Earthquake or something.

Some "teenager" are on a boat making out when lighting strikes, causing Jason to be reanimated. He climbs on board and kills them both. Whatever.

Next, a group of "teenagers" are getting on a BIGGER boat, cause they're going on a cruise to New York.

WAIT WAIT WAIT WAIT WAIT!!!

I always got the impression Crystal Lake was somewhere in the midwest. Maybe cause there's an actual city called Crystal Lake in Illinois, but I swear this was mentioned at some point. So now they're on some coastal city where they can cruise up to NYC? You know what? It's part 8. I should just relax.

To MST3K fans: You ever seen the episode "Agent for H.A.R.M"? You know the main guy wo played, well, the Agent for "H.A.R.M"? Well that guy is in this movie! He's sort of an asshole and he's the uncle to Rennie. Rennie has some issues that aren't explained until the final 10 minutes of the movie so I'll just explain them now cause I'll probably forget.

To show Uncle H.A.R.M is an asshole, when Rennie was a kid he threw her into Crystal Lake in hopes of teaching her to swim. She didn't get the hang of it and almost drowned. While almost drowning, she saw Jason as a kid down there and freaked out. Ever since then, she's been afraid of the water.

So Uncle is like "why is Rennie here on this cruise? Blah blah blah I'm an asshole!" Oh and to top it off, Uncle is also a teacher at their school. How nice. Through a magical plot device, Jason shows up as well and becomes a stow away. And well, now Jason is...you know-



So the basic routine happens, instead of a forest they're on a boat. We get some MINOR character developments, like one dude Sean his dad is the captain of the boat so he's expected to also be a boat captain but Sean doesn't want to! He wants to be...something else! YEAH! Screw you Dad! I hope Jason kills you!

Oh, there's an hilarious crew member who's not given a name, he just pops up on screen, literally, to say things like "we're all gonna die!" and "Jason has returned!", then he dissappears.

A bunch of other kids are killed, not even creatively. At least Jason could've went with a nautical theme and killed them with like harpoons, anchors, and poopdecks. (huh huh huh poopdeck)

Whatever. Anyway, through all the killings Jason did, a fire is started below deck and this causes water to fill up the engines. The other teacher, who isn't an asshole, puts the remaining alive students, besides Rennie and Sean of course, into a room and tells her to wait for her there. Two minutes later, the nice teacher tells Sean she has to go back for them and Sean says "No we can't, that room is underwater now."

Oh well, ok. Sure. Glad we saw that happen.

So Asshole Uncle, Sean, Rennie, and Nice Teacher all get on a lifeboat and row away from S.S Titanic 2. They row for awhile until they come across NEW YORK CITY! YAY! And finally!

They get to shore and look for a phone when Jason, who is apparently half dolphin, shows up on shore as well. Oh and the way New York is depicted in this movie is hilarious. I know 1980's New York was different than it is now, but I doubt it was this bad. Every single person they came across was either a murderer, a rapist, a drug dealer, a gang member, a skin head, a punk, or just a bored resident who didn't want to do anything with helping anybody. Almost instantly, two guys comes out, robs everybody, and takes Rennie to rape her. I just remembered they shot her with heroin but this is quickly forgotten.

Before Rennie is raped, Jason shows up and kills the rapists, but giving her enough time to escape. OH SHIT! One of my favorite kills happens! This TOTALLY happened!



God, I love that!

At some point, nice teacher is killed, and so is Asshole Uncle (yay!) and now it's just Rennie and Sean running through New York City, NOT getting help from anybody. They end up in the sewers, which fill up with toxic waste every night at midnight so they have, OMG 2 minutes to get out! NOOO!!!

Does that really happen? Really?

So Jason doesn't get out in time and is washed away by the toxic waste. Rennie and Sean try to enjoy New York, the most unfriendlyst town ever!

The only thing I liked was the head getting punched off scene, but that wasn't enough to save it. There was a whole subplot about the prom queen being a bitch and fucking the uncle but honestly, you didn't come here to hear about that so why even go into detail about that? This movie was lame but probably a lot of fun at a party. Oh well. First New York, next stop...HELL!!

-Jason

PS: I forgot to mention, Jason seems to have gained the ability to teleport cause there was a scene where literally every place this dude ran to, Jason was there. That was kinda funny too.

Monday, November 01, 2010

Reader's Choice Poll #1: December 3rd Review

Ok, folks, this is for what you think I should review on December 3rd. An explaination can be found here. The links in the titles takes you to the IMDB page, so check out the poser art if that's how you decide on these things. Your choices are:

1. Ghost Ship-Travis of The Movie Encyclopedia seems to hate this movie. I seen it a long time ago and don't really remember there being a problem. So let's give it another shot, shall we?
IMDB says: "After discovering a passenger ship missing since 1962 floating adrift on the Bering Sea, salvagers claim the vessel as their own. Once they begin towing the ghost ship towards harbor, a series of bizarre ocurrences happen and the group becomes trapped inside the ship, which they soon learn is inhabited by a demonic creature."

2. Motel Hell-This movie is famous, at least to me. I seen it one night on TV as a kid and it freaked me the fuck out. My friend Bill swears by this movie.
IMDB says: "Farmer Vincent kidnaps unsuspecting travellers and is burying them in his garden. Unfortunately for his victims, they are not dead. He feeds his victims to prepare them for his roadside stand. His motto is: It takes all kinds of critters...to make Farmer Vincents fritters. The movie is gory, but is also a parody of slasher movies like Last House on the Left." (I don't know about that last sentence...)

3. Skeeter-Doug Funnie's best friend goes on a murderous rampage! Ok, not really. That'd be cool though.
IMDB says: "Another ecological disaster results in mosquitoes growing to the size of bats (very rubbery, non-scary bats). Of course they have to suck a lot of blood. Humans have to find a way to fight back!"

4. Illegal Aliens-Anna Nicole Smith's final movie. How could I NOT cover this?
IMDB says: ""Charlie's Angels" goes sci-fi, with a touch of "Men In Black" thrown in for good measure, when three aliens morph into super-hot babes and arrive to protect the earth from the intergalactic forces of evil. Guided by Syntax, their holographic mentor, these Illegal Aliens are willing to use every trick in the book and every sexy outfit in their wardrobe to accomplish their mission! This film is filled with high-energy action, lowbrow spoofs and the high-camp acting reminiscent of the classic B-Movie genre how else could this film get away with Anna Nicole Smith saving the world? "Illegal Alien's" pokes fun at today's Hollywood and pays tribute to the so-called "Bad Movies" we all love to hate!"

5. Dumpster Baby-All those years ago when I last did a "you pick the movie I should review poll" this was one of the choices that no one picked. Will it be picked this time around?
IMDB says: ...nothing. No synopsis. Huh. Guess you'll have to go in blindly on this one.

6. Fantastic Four (The Roger Corman Version)-This famous bootleg of the failed 1994 Fantastic Four film is like movie legend. You can only find this on the internet or at conventions. Thankfully, I have connections!
IMDB says: "When an experimental space voyage goes awry, four people are forever changed by cosmic rays: Reed Richards, inventor and leader of the group gains the ability to stretch his body and takes the name Mr. Fantastic. His girlfriend, Sue Storm, gains the ability to turn invisible and create force fields becoming The Invisible Girl. Her little brother, Johnny Storm, becomes The Human Torch with the ability to control fire, including covering his own body with flame. The pilot Ben Grimm is turned into the super-strong, super-tough Thing. Together they become a team of super-heroes and use their unique powers to foil the evil plans of villains."

There you have it! The poll will be up until Friday November 5th. So vote! And choose wisely. This is YOUR chance to make ME suffer...

...god I should rethink this whole thing.
-Jason

Sunday, October 31, 2010

Zombie Month Wrap-Up/Final Link Love

PHEW!!! What a month! I FEEL like a zombie after all that. What did I do this month, you may ask? Well...

-We kicked things off with a Site review of "Retardead", possibly the most politically correct movie ever.
-I then took on George A. Romero's "Diary of the Dead", which Sean said "more like Diarrhea of the Dead!" BOOM! He nailed it.
-Speaking of nailing it, "Survival of the Dead" was next and oooh boy.
-I reached to include "Trick R'Treat" into zombie month. Still a kickass movie! (I don't know when the actual Meatloaf will be posted. Jorge, who runs the thing, is in wacky L.A time, so he thinks he still has 6 hours to post it. Pfft. It'll be 3AM in REAL time and it'll be too late. Oh well...)
-"Poultrygeist" was the next Site review and I tried my hardest NOT to give it too hard of a time.
-My friend Maria stepped up and wrote a review for "Dead Snow", which was awesome cause she got to use me to describe a character in the movie. Maria's awesome.
-"Oasis of the Zombies" happened. Yeah.
-I updated my Site review of the classic "Dawn of the Dead".
-After much pestering, I finally watched "Bio Zombie", which was totally worth the pestering.
-"Return of the Living Dead" was awesome!
-My update on "Day of the Dead" was not.
-I finally seen "[REC]". Holy hell, that was awesome!
-FUCK "Vampires vs Zombies"!
-Equally fuck "Redneck Zombies"!
-I liked the remake of "Day of the Dead" a bit more, but still a bit lackluster.
-Finally, the ass-tastic "Zombiez" rounded (Literally! HI-OH!!!) out the month.

Man, what a busy month for me. I should take a vacation. In fact...I think I will!

Oh before I go, some links for you!

Nick at Random Ramblings of a Demented Doorknob did a review of a movie called "Hide and Creep". Check that out.

And our good friend over at "Acheteretentretenirsatronconneuse" was busy. He gave us:
Pontypool
Dead Men Walking
Zombie Women of Satan
La Noche de los Brujos
Porn of the Dead (this one extremely NSFW)
Hot Spring Zombie Vs. Stripper

Ok, vacation starts...NOW!
-Jason

Friday, October 29, 2010

December is Reader's Choice Month!

The month of December, whether you like it or not, is usually devoted to Christmas. You spend the entire month worrying what you're gonna get your loved ones. You worry about where you're gonna have Christmas dinner. And god help you if you HOST Christmas dinner. Then, it's all over in a blink of an eye and next you know, it's another year and you feel old, so you go to the liqour store and buy as much booze as you can handle, and then some, and go home, alone, and drink while watching every "Friday the 13th" movie with your cat Mittens and you are so depressed and lonely and you look out the window and wonder how many floors it is, 6 or 7? Does the bottom floor count? Would it still hurt? You-

Oh. Sorry.

Anyway.

Since it's a month about giving and not recieving, I decided to turn the programming of The Site to you as a gift! That's right! YOU GET TO TELL ME WHAT TO REVIEW FOR THE ENTIRE MONTH OF DECEMBER!! How fucking awesome is that?

Now, I've done this before by asking people to give me movies that for whatever reason, that didn't work out so well. I figured people who read about shitty movies seen at least ONE shitty movie in their life and would think it'd be fun for me to poke fun at it. But that's not the case.

So instead, I went and picked some movies that sound interesting to me and I'll have YOU pick which five you think I should take on! I'll list each one and give you a short description, with a link to IMDB so you can look at the poster art. (I'm not giving up my image space that easily!) Then you vote which one and I'll review it!

There's 25 movies in all and I'm gonna post five a week throughout November, with a new poll on each Monday, and having them end on Friday. It sounds easy enough. Let's hope that's the case, shall we? Anyway, I'll start the first five on November 1st, so keep an eye out!

Merry Christmas!
-Jason