Tuesday, November 29, 2011

The Boneyard

Whenever I watch a trailer for a movie that I want to see, I think to myself, "There's no way that could live up to my expectations." I saw the trailer for "The Boneyard" and wondered "Is this movie REALLY gonna be about a giant zombie dog?" To anyone who finds their way here, I will tell you the answer in a little bit.

First, we have to get through an hour of bullshit!

The first 20 minutes of this movie plays like an episode of "Law and Order". I kept waiting for Jerry Orbach to come out with Christopher Meloni and Ice-T. Actually, that's all I know about "Law and Order" what happens on that show exactly?

Anyway, we meet two cops, one of them is named Jersey. He looks like the love child of Martin Balsam and Hoss from "Ponderosa". The cops are at the house of what looks like a horder. Jersey finds a way in the house and ever so fucking slow make their way upstairs. There, Jersey's partner (I forget his name. Mark? Junior?) is greeted by a GIANT PILLOW MONSTER! RAWR!!!

Ok, not really. Underneath all the pillows and blankets is Alley. I had NO IDEA Alley was going to be our main character because, and I'm just being honest here, she looks like a member of G.L.O.W. And normally, women from G.L.O.W aren't the main characters in many movies.

One thing this movie gets wrong (out of many things) is character development. For this first 20 minutes, I had no fucking clue who Alley was or why these cops were bugging her. From what I gathered after the movie ended, she's some lady who got into witchcraft when she fucked a Canadian, got cancer, and survived. Now, she has some weird psychic powers that can teleport her or something.

So I guess Jersey needs her help in a case but she says "NO! GET OUT OF MY ROOM! I GOTTA OIL UP FOR MY NEXT MATCH!" so the cops leave. Alley pulls out a scrapbook and has a flashback? Maybe? About a burnt kid. This causes her to change her mind on helping the cops.

What do the cops need help with? Fuck if I know. I know it involves some dude named Chin and three dead kids. I THINK Chin did some voodoo stuff to the kids, which caused the kids to die under mysterious circumstances but this movie doesn't explain shit.

Ok so the cops and Alley need to go the morgue to look at the body. I guess the only time they can do this is at night and they get to meet the nighttime caretaker. And it's here this movie finally makes watching it worthwhile. The caretaker is played by Phyllis Diller. And her character name is Poopenplotz. I swear. And she has a killer guard dog who's a poodle. Why Poopenplotz couldn't be the main character is beyond me but whatever.

So after 10 minutes of Poopenplotz not allowing Alley in the room with the bodies, and a mishap with a delivery of another dead body of a young chick who killed herself, we meet Mr. Roper, who plays an aging hippie. I'll tell you, you haven't lived until you seen Mr. Roper try to play an aging hippie. He went full tilt with this too. He had a cheesy mustache, small dark glasses, AND a pony tail.

Anyway, it turns out the young chick isn't dead and Alley psychically teleports to the morgue to see zombies about to attack. She disappears and reappears in the same room as Poopenplotz. Poopenplotz (I love typing that) won't allow Alley to go downstairs, so Alley steals the keys and run.

Remember I said it looked like Alley was a member of G.L.O.W? Well, that means she can't run fast. At all. But she's able to outrun Poopenplotz and her killer poodle. She makes it to the morgue and finds a bunch of carnage and three tiny zombies. The zombies chase her, Alley runs into the cops, Mr. Hippie Roper, and the not-dead chick.

The rest of the movie is them hiding from the zombies and trying to escape. It's basically a horror version of "Die Hard". Before it gets too slow, a zombie spits into Poopenplotz's mouth and she turns into a GIANT ZOMBIE! Holy fuck!

Giant Poopenplotz goes on a rampage, kills Hippie Roper in a scene I didn't see (I watched this movie with a few friends and they had to tell me this. That's how uninterested I was during this movie), and isn't stopped until...fuck something happened. I think she blew up. Let's go with that.

But guess who eats some zombie goo? The dog. Yes, we get a giant zombie poodle dog. Sadly, we're near the end of the movie. Everybody manages to find a way outside but Alley, because she looks like a wrestler from G.L.O.W, gets stuck in a small gap. Awww!

Alley manages to escape, finds a "disarmed" pipe bomb that isn't disarmed, and blows up the giant zombie dog. And the movie simply ends. Alrighty.

So NOTHING is totally explained. Where exactly did Alley get her powers? What the fuck was going on with the tiny zombie kids? What did Chin do? The fuck, man? This movie was a big letdown. At least I didn't do a whole post about how awesome this movie looked. I really learned my lesson this time around. And so you can see what I'm talking about, I present to you, the trailer:


Thursday, November 24, 2011

The Netflix Corner #4

Happy Thanksgiving! I can't think of a better movie recommendation than "Thankskilling"!

It's about a killer turkey...oh you know what? Read my review over at Man, I Love Films.

With that out of the way...

Nick is looking to dominate this game! He's the sole winner of last weeks game, after the Hard option was left unguessed for 24 hours! I didn't think I made it THAT hard. Anyway, here are the scores and answers:


Hard: A series of crazy events occur in Miami.-Big Trouble
Medium: A teenager moves and tries to fit in, until meeting an unusual student and they fall in love.-Twilight
Easy: A group of detectives are invited to a party to solve a case.-Murder By Death

And now this week. Don't forget, I'm looking for a specific movie:

Hard: America declares war on another country after the country does something offensive.
Medium: A guy is called to help save a girl who's acting really strange.
Easy: A group of people must solve a murder that could be one of three solutions.

Hard is worth 3 points, medium 2 points, and easy 1 point.

Good luck and happy Thanksgiving!

How I, Jason Soto, Could've Stopped Shia LaBeouf From Happening

I can't think of a better time than Thanksgiving to tell this story. It's an interesting story and after thinking about it a few weeks ago, I came to a horrible realization:
If things would've went better for me, Shia LaBeouf wouldn't have had a career. That's a bold statement, sure. And looking at his IMDb, I doubt little ol' ME would've actually have stopped him, but it's fun to think that if the events in the story I'm about to tell you played differently, some other guy (maybe me?) would've been making out with Megan Fox in two horrible Michael Bay movies.

Ok. The year is 2000. I was unemployed at the time and I was living with my dad and grandmother. It wasn't really a high point in my life but hey, I was still alive and I had a roof over my head. I couldn't complain. I was a budding screenwriter, just writing scripts left and right. My ex-girlfriend, who I talked to on occasion, told me about this awesome contest she heard involving screenwriters. You submit your script and if it wins, it gets made into a movie.

This contest was called "Project Greenlight".

I don't know if anybody remembers "Project Greenlight" but basically Ben Affleck, Matt Damon and some other guy started it, opened it to the public and fronted the money to make this movie. The instant I heard about this, I said "Fuck yeah I'm in!"

After carefully selecting which script I wanted to submit, I went with a comedy I wrote called "The Adventures of A Loser". It's the touching tale of a high school reject who goes on his first date with a girl, who only used him to help get money she owed to some dangerous drug dealers. I still think it's a cool little script I wrote.

So here's how this process works. You sign up on their website and they give you a little account and space. You upload your script to this space. This was 2000, and I was still using dial up. So this process took a few hours. After it was uploaded, I had to wait.

The next step then was on a certain date, they were gonna place three other scripts into your account. They were randomly selected and I had to read them, take this stupid test to prove I read it, and send it back with my thoughts.

So to clarify this step, all of us people in this contest got to read other people's scripts and had to say if they thought it was good or not. If you think the trolls of 2011 were bad...but I'm getting ahead of myself.

I barely remember the three scripts I had to read. I remember one was a straight up comedy about some guy pretending to be a therapist to get back at an ex-girlfriend and he used the office of some lawyer and things get mixed up or something. The other was some action film about a homeless guy. I promise it wasn't "Hobo With A Shotgun". I liked both of those scripts.

Then I got the third one. Take David Lynch's worst movie, give it to Hunter S. Thompson, and then have Salavor Dali throw up on it for good measure and you got this movie. I had NO FUCKING idea what was going on in this script. Some guy went into a basement, got turned into a woman, who was alive in the 1950's, there's some party going on, some ice cube trays start talking. It was....a fucking mess. And I said so. I think I even failed the little test cause I didn't understand fucking anything.

Ok so, I finish all three scripts, send in my recommendations and then we had to wait again. Now comes the fun part. The feedback from the people that read my script. I guess how it worked was each script was sent to 10 different people so a wide array of people would read and judge it. Meaning 9 other people read that third script I read and said "WTF was that?!"

Anyway, all 10 people send in their feedback and recommendations for my script. To put it in a nice way...they were less than nice.

Needless to say,I didn't make it to the "second round". Yeah, there's "rounds" to this thing. The semi-final round was Afflect, Damon, and that other guy actually read the script and pick a winner. I think if they read my script, I would have a shot cause I know they have a great sense of humor. A bunch of starving screenwriters don't.

Ok so what kind of feedback did I get? I don't remember exactly what they said. I know someone said it was the "worst thing they ever read" and "the screenwriter has some maturing to do" and something about "this isn't even a REAL script. FAIL!" Something to that effect.

Yadda yadda yadda I have self esteem issues.

Anyway, the winner of the year I partook in this ended up being some movie that starred a unknown guy named Shia LaBeouf. I'll tell you now if I won, he wouldn't be in my movie. I was picturing the "Dude, you got a Dell" guy.

Yeah, it was a sign of the times.

Tuesday, November 22, 2011

A TV Horror Show?! WHA??

I know people have been camping out by their computers, just WAITING to see what I have to say about the FX show "American Horror Story". Well, sorry to keep you waiting, I was behind a bit. The day it debuted, I forgot about it and missed the first episode. So I had to wait for all the episodes to repeat to catch up. Now that I'm caught up, I can finally talk about this show.

Oh and spoilers if you're not caught up or haven't seen any episode but plan on it later. This post will be right here waiting for you when you do catch up.

With that said...

I love the fact the teenager Tate did a Columbine before there was a Columbine. He's like a deadly hipster. Of course there's that whole thing of him not remembering doing that, which I wonder what that's all about. Does he really not remember killing those kids or is he just pretending? And what's up with the whole "he doesn't know he's a ghost thing, so we need your help to send him to the other side" thing?

Did anyone else think the bitchy old lady next door was also a ghost? I did for the longest time. Hell, I'm still convinced she is.

How come the bitchy old lady's daughter isn't running around being a ghost? Can you only be a ghost in this house? Well, that's not true cause those kids Tate shot died at school and they showed up. Maybe she didn't wanna roam around as a ghost is the only thing I got.

My favorite part has to be the maid and how she changes her look, depending on who's looking at her. When she's the hot young chick, she says all these strange things in a sexual innuendo type way, but you gotta keep in mind, she's ALSO this old lady. It's all very strange.

What THE FUCK is up with that gimp dude?

I'm starting to have a problem with how much weird shit is going on this show. I don't know how many quirks they're gonna give Jessica Lange's character but NOW she had a deformed son that was chained up in the attic? What's next, a two-headed dog? I hope it stops there otherwise the show's gonna end up being goofy for no reason.

Overall, it is a great show. Unlike "Lost" when they present something, they actually explain it right away, but leave a few small things unexplained (like gimp dude, or the baby being twins). I hope this show doesn't end up like "The Walking Dead" and slow down or get too full of itself. It's perfect the way it is and I hope it continues the path it's going down now.

Monday, November 21, 2011

MST3K Month: A Touch of Satan

So I apologize that MST3K Month has been kind of a bust. I guess you could call it "my eyes were bigger than my stomach" cause frankly I just kinda lost track of time and I'm surprised it' already the 21st. Even though there's 9 days left in the month, and I could squeak out a few more reviews, I wouldn't have accomplished all that I wanted to. With that said...I did watch "A Touch of Satan" last night.

I can't even imagine what the filmmakers were going for when they made this movie. I watched this episode on Youtube (I do have it on VHS and it is on Instant Watch but I didn't feel like messing with any of that) and reading the comments I saw someone compare this to "Twilight" and oddly enough, it fits.

You have some guy named Jody driving cross country cause he "wants to be independent" from his father, who stops in a small town that keeps a secret! OOH!! There's been a bunch of killings in this town but no one seems to know who did it. Jody goes "alright then" and keeps on truckin' (it's a '70s film). He passes by a field and decides to stop there and eat lunch. There, he meets Melissa. She's sorta hot in a way that's hard to describe. I guess I can describe it this way: she's the only girl under 50 in this movie. So in that aspect, she's the hottest thing you'll see in this movie.

Anyway, what makes this movie memorable is.......the.......long.......pauses......between......conversations. Holy hell, did the director realize he only had enough material for a 30 minute movie and told them to talk slowly?

Anyway, Melissa invites Jody to her house to meet her parents. They get nervous for some reason, and get more nervous when Melissa makes Jody stay the night. Jody meets the great-grandmother, who's face is horribly burned and looks to be roughly 500 years old.

So what's going on? Basically, Melissa is a witch who, a long ass time ago (like 1850 or something) she and her family were attacked by the local townspeople who wanted to "burn the witch"! They started with Melissa's sister, who is the burned great-grandmother. Melissa saved her by selling her soul to Satan. And I guess this caused her to never age? It was never explained.

Jody doesn't believe any of this, even after watching sister/great-grandmother kill a cop in front of him. Melissa gets tired of her sister's shit and decides to kill her herself. The next day, Melissa and Jody fuck, which freed Melissa, I guess, and causes her to finally look her age. Jody claims he's in love with her and doesn't want her to die, so HE sells HIS soul to Satan to save her.

Man. I've said I been in love with my ex-girlfriends and thought I'd be with them forever. Glad I didn't do that.

Anyway, check out the MST3K episode if you haven't, there's a part where one of them time the pause and it gets to 8 seconds. It's ridiculous.


Friday, November 18, 2011

The Lair of the Unwanted #23: Before They Were Stars!

If you ever wanted to hear Nolahn wish ill upon another human being, here's your chance. But he doesn't wish it against Jason or their guest James Blake Ewing from "Cinema Sights". You'll just have to listen to find out who, as they talk about "Texas Chainsaw Massacre: The Next Generation" and "Hercules in New York".

Thursday, November 17, 2011

The Netflix Corner #3

Hello and welcome to week 3! Let's get this train a-rolling!

My movie suggestion is something I reviewed sometime last month. And that's going to be motherfuckin' "TerrorVision"!

You just need to take my word for it and watch this movie. It's so awesomely bad, you can't even comprehend!

Now, onto The Netflix Game! Here are last weeks answers and scores so far:

Hard: A woman makes her relationship complicated when she decides to cheat on her fiancee with a guy he know.-The Room
Medium: Three friends are trapped and are unable to escape.-Frozen
Easy: Two cops must learn to work together in order to stop a bad guy.-Lethal Weapon


Without further ado, here's this weeks game:
Hard: A series of crazy events occur in Miami.
Medium: A teenager moves and tries to fit in, until meeting an unusual student and they fall in love.
Easy: A group of detectives are invited to a party to solve a case.

Good luck!

Tuesday, November 15, 2011

Life, The Site, And Everything Else

Ok, not really "life". Life is ok, so far anyway. But I do have some changes I want to/have to make about everything Invasion of The B-Movies.

Oh, now what?! Didn't you just change shit two months ago?! Why don't you make up your mind, dick-bag??

Well, since you asked oh so nicely...

-The video reviews aren't doing as well as I thought they were going to be. And they're really not as fun to put together as I thought they would. It's pretty time consuming and while working on the third one for "The Green Slime" I couldn't find video footage of the movie anywhere to put in the video, and I didn't wanna cheapen it by just filming my TV. Plus, I didn't get a whole lot of feedback on the previous two. I got SOME but not enough to keep going with it. So I'm putting a ka-bosh on that. What's a ka-bosh anyway? Does anybody know?

Why don't you Google it, you fucking retarded limp dick?!

...Anyway, onto the second thing, and this is a biggie:
-In December, I will be getting rid of The Site. I will only do reviews here on The Blog, and I will try to have the dotcom name transferred here to The Blog. I am doing this mainly for monetary reasons. I don't know if anyone is aware of this, but I actually PAY money for the space on The Site and whatnot. And after looking through my stat counter a couple of weeks ago, I found out many people don't visit The Site. So I don't really see the need to have it if everyone just visits The Blog. And I have been told by several close friends they visit the Blog more, and don't understand why I have two places where I do reviews.

Because you're so full of yourself, ass hat!

And they're right, I don't need two places. So with that, sometime in December The Site will be no more and hopefully I won't have a problem with the domain name. We'll see.

And that's it really. Me and Nolahn are still gonna do The Lair, I'm still writing stuff for Man, I Love Films. I'm involved with a few small secret projects that'll come to light someday. So I'm not going anywhere.


Shut up!

Thursday, November 10, 2011

The Soto List: My Top Ten Favorite Joel Episodes

This being MST3K month here at Invasion of the B Movies, I figured I should list off some of my favorite episodes, but seeing how the show can be divided by who likes which host better, I decided to split them and count down ten of my favorite Joel episodes and ten of my favorite Mike episodes. Naturally, we start off with Joel.

10. Attack of The The Eye Creatures-I just recently rewatched this and I never realized how much fun they had while doing this episode. The movie certainly doesn't deserve to be taken seriously and it's only fitting they don't.

9. The Slime People-A very early episode. They hadn't found their footing yet but this episode is one of my favorite Season 1 episodes. The riffing is good, considering, and if you want a good snapshot on what Season 1 was like, this would be a good episode to watch.

8. Rocket Attack, USA-I was surprised on how much I liked this episode. The movie is very boring but all the riffs had me laughing. This is also a landmark episode: it's the first time they used what's called a "stinger", a short clip featuring a really weird, goofy, or plain funny scene from the movie.

7. Operation Double 007-This is a weird premise for a movie. James Bond's brother, played by Sean Connery's brother in real life, is sent out on a spy mission. I'm only putting this movie on the list cause of this segment:

6. Warrior of the Lost World-DO YOU HAVE ANY FRUIT TO DECLARE?!?

5. The Pod People-Out of all the "E.T" rip-off's, this is probably the dumbest. Featuring an ALF-like alien named Trumpy, a very annoying kid, and a group of rock stars, this is the PERFECT MST3K episode.

4. Santa Claus Conquers The Martians-One of two Christmas MST3K episodes I watch every year (The other coming up in a future post), this is a wacky film but I excuse it cause it's really geared towards kids.

3. Manos: The Hands of Fate-Calling this a favorite is like calling the Yadda, Yadda, Yadda episode of "Seinfeld" a favorite but you have to give it up to them, they had to watch this movie 7 or 8 times. I could only stomach it once without the riffing.

2. Mitchell-Joel's last episode. He made sure to go out with a bang and considering this film stars Joe Don Baker, what a bang.

1. Teenagers From Outer Space-This episode makes me laugh and laugh and laugh. Especially when they have characters singing classic rock songs. It's a great episode and a perfect movie for them.

So those are my favorite Joel episodes. A Mike one will be coming sometime next week. And yes, I promise I'll get to my reviews of "The Green Slime" and "Laserblast" before the month is over. Promise.

The Netflix Corner #2

Alright! This new feature is getting a lot of love! Awesome!

First, your Instant Watch recommendation.

"Jesus Christ Vampire Hunter", as you probably figured, is one crazy ass movie. And it's pretty much what you think it's about. The world is a vampire and only one Son of God can stop it! Ok, the middle of the movie gets a bit complicated when they throw in lesbians and Mexican wrestlers but it's still a fun movie and I highly recommend it.

And now The Netflix Game! Here are last week's answers and winners

Hard: In order to succeed, a man must re-learn everything he didn't learn the first time around.-Billy Madison
Medium: An unclean cop who loves big weapons must stop a serial killer.-Dirty Harry
Easy: Two guys who hate their job talk about relationships, pop culture, and awful customers.-Clerks


A reminder how it works: I'm gonna give a pretty crappy description of three movies, you have to guess what movie I'm talking about for each. Hard is worth 3 points, medium is 2 points, and easy is 1 point. Here you go.

Hard: A woman makes her relationship complicated when she decides to cheat on her fiancee with a guy he know.
Medium: Three friends are trapped and are unable to escape.
Easy: Two cops must learn to work together in order to stop a bad guy.

That's it. Good luck!

Tuesday, November 08, 2011

MST3K: Werewolf

"Werewolf" came out in 1996, and the MST3K episode came out in 1998, which made this movie the NEWEST movie they've riffed. Some speculated that the filmmakers made the movie bad on purpose to be put on MST3K, which back in 1996 was around it's 7th season. Unless the director Tony Zarindast emails me telling me the truth, we may never know.

But (ir)regardless, "Werewolf". I swear the worse things to happen to movies is the direct to video market. It's like people don't even try anymore and say "Well, if this doesn't get a theatrical release, this can go direct to video. YAY!!" Because out of all the shitty werewolf films I've seen ("Twilight" included), this is probably the shittiest.

A group of...people? I refuse to call them archaeologists cause they just stand around, drink beer, and fight. So these people are in the desert digging around when they come across a skeleton that looks like a human with a wolf head. The local Indians think it's a werewolf and freak out. Joe Estevez is there to calm everybody down. And...


Ok, I'm calm. So Richard Lynch takes the werewolf bones back to his office where he and a chick named Natalie try to figure out what it is exactly. There's a guy named Yuri who's fuckin' hysterical because every scene in this movie, he has different colored hair and even different hairstyles. I can't figure out what the hell that was about. Maybe he was bald and wanted to try out different wigs? I mean, what the fuck?

Anyway, Yuri takes the role of "I want to exploit this" the best I can. Meanwhile, some Indian who got attacked by the werewolf skeleton is now turning into a werewolf. When Yuri finds out and realizes the bones have essence of werewolf, he decides to turn people left and right into werewolves!

Then we meet Paul. He's a writer from New York who moved here to Arizona (I guess, they call the city Flagstaff) and he meets Natalie and instantly they fall in love. Paul meet his own hilarious character of Sam, the caretaker of the house Paul is renting. I have no idea how to describe Sam so here's a picture:

Anyway, Paul and Natalie have a small romance, so she takes him to show the werewolf bones, when Yuri is there. He uses the bones to attack Paul (so Yuri loves these bones but he uses them as weapons? The fuck?), which gives Paul a huge gash on his back.

Surprise surprise surprise! Paul is a werewolf! Yuri discovers this and wants to cage him, but Paul escapes and roams around Arizona and attacks random people. Natalie, when she's not hustling people at the pool tables, is out looking for were-Paul. Did I mention Natalie looks like this?


Ok so Yuri is looking for Paul, Paul kills Yuri, and because Paul had sex with Natalie, Natalie turns into a werewolf and the movie simply ends. And if you watch the MST3K episode, you get this awesomeness!

The movie sucks, plain and simple. I don't get what the fuck Yuri's problem was, between fighting everybody and having 200 different hairstyles. The acting is terrible. I'm sure the chick playing Natalie is a porn star. It's all very...weird. And Richard Lynch is sorely underused in this movie. Cause lord knows we need more Richard Lynch.


Saturday, November 05, 2011

One Demented Podcast

Recently I was asked to be on "The Demented Podcast" to talk about slasher flicks. I spent my weeks preparing by watching all the "Friday the 13th's", "Halloweens", and one-off slasher flicks I could, only to be told we're watching..."Blood and Black Lace" and "American Psycho". Oh well.

It was still a fun episode and easily the best Tower experience ever. But did I win? You're just gonna have to find out.

Friday, November 04, 2011

MST3K Month: Attack of The (The) Eye Creatres

Now here's a great example of not only how NOT to make a movie, but the perfect "Mystery Science Theater 3000" movie. It's horrible but fun, features scenes and situations you need to see to believe, and feature laughable monsters. But I need to address something that you probably noticed right away: The title.

The film was originally titled "The Eye Creatures" but sometime later it went through a weird re-distribution process where someone decided to retitle the movie "Attack of The Eye Creatures". The problem was they weren't paying attention and ended up adding "Attack of The" before the title card. Good job, Gomer.

Anyway, the movie itself. During the credit sequence, some military guy is locked up in a classroom and he's showing a film to some other military guy. The film is suppose to be PROOF that aliens have arrived! The film (narrated by Peter Graves) just shows a toy on a string flying over a plant. This is suppose to represent a UFO landing in a town.

Then we meet the most loathsome characters I've ever seen in my life, and I just recently seen "A Serbian Film". They're two military guys sitting in some room watching some top secret satellite camera thing, which they have aimed at a bunch of teenagers making out. The two guys just make jokes, and mugs at the camera about watching this. It's pretty weird.

We finally meet our central characters. First up is Carl and Mike. They're friends who drifted into town a month ago and they're trying to find jobs and/or women to hook up with. Well, Carl is anyway. Mike just wants to go home and sleep. Killjoy.

Then we meet Stan and Susan. They are young lovers who plan on running away and eloping. Susan's father, who is some bigwig in this small town, doesn't like Stan a whole hell of a lot. But you know how that goes. And finally, we meet the best character in this movie: Old Man Bailey.

Old Man Bailey literally spends his days and nights standing on his porch with a loaded shotgun, chasing "damn smoochers off his property!" That's all he does throughout the whole movie, stand there, yell about smoochers, and shoots a shotgun. And speaking of day and night, the main flaw this movie has (out of a billion other flaws) is the day-to-night shots. Everybody says that it's too dark outside or it's nighttime, but it's clearly 1 PM. They didn't even try to hide this fact by tinting the film, or having people stand in shadows, or anything. Just bam! It's "night".

Ok so in the forest, the aliens, the Eye Creatures, are roaming around. Stan and Susan are driving when they hit one, killing it. Killing it caused the alien's hand to break off (I don't know) and the hand tears a hole in the tire. They walk to Old Man Bailey's house to call the police, but because they're "kids", the cops don't listen to them.

Then here comes Carl. He spots the dead monster, rushes to a phone (I think it was Old Man Bailey's phone as well) and calls Mike, telling him they're gonna be rich! Mike doesn't believe him either and just wants to go back to sleep. Carl goes back to the body to put it in his car when another alien shows up and kills Carl.

The police show up (because Old Man Bailey told them to cause of all the people coming in and out of his house) and spot Carl's body. The cops think it's what Stan and Susan hit and arrest them for manslaughter. They prove their innocence by saying they hit an alien, but no one will listen. Then it turns into "The Fugitive".

Stan and Susan are left alone in the police station by a unlocked door, so of course they run out, steal a car, and go to Mike's house. They think if they get Mike on their side, the cops will listen to them. Mike at first doesn't believe them, but once he learns about Carl's death, he slowly gives in.

All three drive back to the first, where they spot the disembodied hand locked in a car. Mike sees it, believes them finally, and goes to take a picture of it. The flash from the bulb causes the hand to blow up. Armed with this knowledge, they now know how to kill the aliens: by shining bright lights on them. So they're the original "Gremlins"?

Like I said, this is a really bad monster movie but it's a lot of fun. It's so bad and cheesy that you'll find plenty to laugh about. Especially when we see Mike and his choice of sleepwear. Even if you watch this movie without the guys of MST3K, I think you'll enjoy the experience. Just don't take it seriously, lord knows the people who made it didn't.


Thursday, November 03, 2011

The Netflix Corner #1

Alright, it's time to debut a new feature. A couple of weeks ago, I was searching my stat counter info for all the people that came to The Site and The Blog and looked up the keywords they used to come here. Among all these weird interesting words like "hairy-bears-chain-match-cage-fight-hotel-wrestling" (I have no idea), one thing kept popping up. "best bad/b-movies on Netflix". I figured well if people are Googling it and they end up here anyway, I might as well help out. So every Thursday, I'll suggest one or two awesomely bad movies you can find on Netflix, either DVD or Instant Watch.

So to start us off is one of my favorite recent discoveries, "Popcorn" from 1991.

I've reviewed this in the past but really if you love old fashioned B-Movies, you really need to check it out. You get three fake movies inside a movie about a slasher. It's like every great genre combined. You can't go wrong. It is currently only on Instant Watch but a group of fans have gotten together and are working on releasing a Special Fan Edition on DVD and Blu-Ray sometime in the future. I honestly can't wait for that.

With that done, here's the second part of the Netflix Corner: The Netflix Game! I made a post a month or two ago about the awful movie descriptions Netflix gives to movies and made up some examples. That was a lot of fun so I thought well, let's do that again and make it a regular game! Huh? Let's do this!

The rules are simple: I'm gonna give the Netflix description of three movies and you have to guess what movies I'm talking about. Now, the descriptions are NOT real, I'm making them up so don't go searching. Hard is worth 3 points, medium is 2 points, and easy 1 point.

1. Hard: In order to succeed, a man must re-learn everything he didn't learn the first time around.
2. Medium: An unclean cop who loves big weapons must stop a serial killer.
3. Easy: Two guys who hate their job talk about relationships, pop culture, and awful customers.

And that's it. Good luck!

Wednesday, November 02, 2011

Dude! It's MST3K Month!

I forgot to formally announce that all of November will be (here at Invasion of the B Movies) MYSTERY SCIENCE THEATER 3000 MONTH!!!


....what do you mean "what does that mean?" I mean...gah! It's....Mystery Science Theater 3000....month.

Oh alright fine.

All throughout November, I will be watching MST3K episodes and reviewing movies featured on MST3K! This includes:
-A video review of "The Green Slime", the movie watched in the pilot episode of "MST3K"
-A Site review of "Laserblast", which Leonard Maltin actually kinda liked
-And a bunch of other stuff in between!

This won't tie-in to the Lair, but that's fine. We did enough tributes to it last year. So with that said...

To Infinity! And...Other Stuff!

Tuesday, November 01, 2011

Horror Hangover

Oh my god, you guys. I have SUCH a horror hangover. I don't even WANT to THINK about another horror movie...for a few days. Gah.

You DO know what I'm talking about, right? Obviously you been keeping up with all my writings at Man, I Love Films, and you knew that this past weekend they let me take over their site by having me review five horror movies? But I did so much more than that.

In case you missed it due to a dentist appointment or something, I'll give you a rundown on what went down.

First up was my regular Thursday posting where I reviewed "Behind The Mask: The Rise of Leslie Vernon". Fuckin' awesome movie. If you haven't seen it, you totally should.

Speaking of needing to see movies, on Friday I wrote out a list of my 10 movies YOU need to see like RIGHT FUCKING NOW! (They wouldn't let me put "fucking" in the title, but it was there in spirit.

Later that night, my review of "The People Under The Stairs" went up. I've loved this movie since I was a kid and I never released how fuckin' weird it is.

Saturday I decided to go old school (at least for the site) and review a Vincent Price film. I did "The Last Man On Earth", which is the first version of "I Am Legend" to hit the screens. Way better than the Will Smith film.

By Sunday I was kinda feeling it and picked a movie that's not easily available. I own it on VHS. It's probably why it doesn't have any comments on it. Anyway, I reviewed "Demonoid", a devil possesses a hand movie. Yeah, one of THOSE!

Monday was, of course, Halloween so I went ape shit, fuckin' nuts and posted an editorial about Why NOT Horror Movies? I think I made my point!

And finally, the top it all off, I had to review a "Halloween"-centric film. A film that's a "scream", maybe some named Jamie, Lee, or Curtis would enjoy. I hope the star of "Shrek" Mike Meyers loves this movie! Of coruse I'm talking about..."Trick R Treat" from 2007. What else?

To be serious for a moment, I really did have a lot of fun posting these reviews, a list and editorial and I do want to thank Dylan and Kai for letting me do it. They trusted their baby to me and I probably scarred it for life but I think after some therapy it'll be OK eventually. For now, I go back to only posting on Thursdays at MILF. And boy do I have a film for this Thursday...

As for this site/blog, I have something fun planned starting on Thursday. I'm just gonna be the King of Thursdays! So stay tuned for that!