Saturday, November 28, 2009

Yahoo! News: Authority On Bad Movies

As I'm poking around Yahoo! news, my only news source for what's happening in the world, including famous people dying, I saw they ran a piece about "Top 10 Movie Flops of The Decade" (2000-2009). While you can read what THEY had to say by clicking that link, here's what I have to say, as the self-proclaimed "King of the B Movies". (Wonder who will challenge me to that?)

10. The Spirit
I have to admit I liked "The Spirit". I think it was filmed differently and it's got a lot of clevage. Granted, the dialouge was cheesy as hell (I'm gonna kill you all sorts of dead) but isn't this an adaptation of a graphic novel? Wasn't that line used in that novel? Why didn't anyone freak out about it when the novel came out? So I don't understand the PURE hatred of this movie.

9. Grindhouse
This makes me sad this is even on this list. This was probably the most awesome movie idea ever. Although I do know the problem: there aren't enough people in the world like me. If only everyone thought and acted like me...wait nevermind that'd be horrible.

8. Rollerball
Haven't seen it. Nor the original. Honest.

7. The Invasion
I said everything I had to say about the idea of this movie here.

6. Catwoman
I keep forgetting this movie exists. I been meaning to watch it, then something else distracts me and I forget about it. I swear I'll get to it soon.

5. Town & Country
Never heard of it.

4. Gigli
Review can be found here. God, I hate the review I wrote but I really do refuse to watch it again. Sorry, readers.

3. Land of the Lost
Really? I didn't think this did THAT badly. I kinda liked it, even though I didn't understand why Will Ferrell was mean to Choka or whatever. Danny McBride was hilarious though.

2. Battlefield Earth
Review (Mass Invasion actually, one of the times I as the organizer suffered) here but I gotta point out something that was said in the Yahoo! News piece. John Travolta said this movie was gonna be "like Star Wars, only better". See, you jinxed yourself. NOTHING can be better than the ORIGINAL Star Wars. NOTHING.

1. The Adventures of Pluto Nash
Yeah, I avoided this one like the plauge. But this did give me an idea to do a "Bad Eddie Murphy Blog-A-Thon" sometime later. I would ask other people to join in but I'm sure no one else wants to. But we'll see. I got a couple of things on my plate coming up that I wanna get started.

Now for some that I'm surprised didn't make it on the list:
Speaking of Eddie Murphy, you'd think movies like "Norbit" or "Meet Dave" might've done worse. Then I remember that "Norbit" was the #1 movie at some point and I almost cried.

I'm sure the god awful "I Know Who Killded Me" didn't earn ANY of it's money back. All thanks to Lindsey Lohan.

Pretty much any Uwe Boll movie would fit. Man, I could go on but nothing can top that.

Well, this decade is almost up. Kinda scary that in less than two months we'll be in THE FUTURE!!

Monday, November 23, 2009

Mary's Review: American Beauty

Kevin Spacey needs to be hit

MY FRIEND PAT CALLED IT BEST ON "American Beauty" - I was discussing the film with him and trying to get the words out as to just what made this movie so infuriating. Then he called it. "It's a deep movie for shallow people", he said. He couldn't be more right.

Seriously. Is there anything worse than a film made by a glossy Hollywood union crew that truly believes that it will change the way you look at your life? That's the big sin committed in American Beauty. It's tagline, "Look Closer" is testament to how damn sure this movie is that it will "open your eyes", so to speak.

Kevin Spacey, Anette Bening and Thora Birch play the single most sarcastic family that has ever existed. Since I have a natural aversion to sarcasm, every second, every grating second of this movie irked me. Watching it is like talking to that friend who insists on being sharp in everything they say. If you asked them if they wanted to go to Disney World with you, they would answer, "No, I dont", with a blank grin on their face. Ugh. I hate people like that. And the sarcastic tone goes on, and on, and on...this family is terrible. Kevin Spacey is too smug, Annette Bening tries too hard to be a bitch, and Thora Birch is not appealing in any way, shape, or form, except in the case that you get along with semi-goth girls who hate everyone and everything.

Forget about this family for a minute. There is one character who takes the word "insufferable" and runs with it. That would be the character played by Wes Bently. I don't even remember his name. God dammit, he was the most horrible movie character ever created. The whole sarcasm thing is beat to death with this guy. I guess he's meant to be a sort of wise, young sage or something. His Dad is a Nazi, he sells pot, and he videotapes everything, and walks around with his stupid camera and his stupid skullcap.

This leads me to the famous plastic bag scene. Who wrote this peice of shit? My favourite director, Werner Herzog, has spoken of an "ecstatic truth", which he brings to his films. I believe that this plastic bag scene is an attempt at some ecstatic truth. This attempt fails. It's overexplained, it's got heartstring music in it, and it features Wes Bentley talking about how great plastic bags are. Thora Birch and Wes Bentley sit on the couch together and he tells her, "Sometimes I can't contain the beauty of the world...", as we watch the plastic bag get blown around by the wind. In a good film, the plastic bag would be filmed, but the explaination and flowery language would be gone. There's no need for it. The concept of the plastic bag being a small detail of beauty isn't a bad idea, but it becomes a greeting-card message when all fluffed up like that.

But I digress. This movie sucks. It didn't give me any new insight into my life, or other people's lives. It wanted to, but it tried way too hard. If you want an introspective, horrifying portrayal of an American family, I suggest renting the "homespun murder story", Fargo. And there's no sarcastic assholes in that movie, either.

I hate sarcasm.


(All opinions are those of Mary and Mary alone. Thank you.

Saturday, November 21, 2009

Swept Away

(This was written back in 2004, when Madonna and Guy Ritchie was still married. Now that they're not, this is pretty hilarious. Sorry if this sucks, I was still trying to find my reviewing legs.)

Conversation Madonna and her husband Guy Ritchie might've had prior to the making of "Swept Away":

Madonna: are a big time movie director and I'm a wanna-be actress. Remember "Shanghai Surprise"?
Guy Ritchie: Um...
Madonna: Anyway, because you are a big time movie director and a big time movie writer-
Guy: Screenwriter...
Madonna: I'M TALKING BITCH!!! Anyway, sugarpie, I was thinking what if the next movie you make I get to star in it.
Guy: Well, I was thinking of doing another "Snatch/Lock, Stock" type film-
Madonna: NO!!! NO VIOLENCE!!! (Smacks Guy) I want romance!!! People loved me in "Evita" and that was romantic...sort of!!! GIVE ME ROMANCE!!!!!!
Guy: I can't do romance!! I'm a male...and I'm british!!!!
Madonna: Then...steal somebody else's idea and remake a movie where there's romance!! DO IT NOW!!!!!
Guy: Yes my loving wife.

And Guy Ritchie probably spent two months in a cage while Madonna found a copy of the movie "Travolti da un isolito destino nell'azzurro mare d'agosto" or..."Swept Away" from 1974, made him watch it and made him modernize it. Granted, I'm risking being sued by Madonna and/or Guy Ritchie but what other explaination is there, this movie is very disturbing and I highly doubt anything that happened in this remake happened in the original.

Amber (Madonna) and Tony and their other rich friends named Debi, Todd, Michael, and Marina decide to take a yacht from Greece to Italy. Everyone's fine with that except Amber, who acts like a bitch for the first hour of the movie. The victim of her bitchyness? No, not her husband, that'd make sense. Instead it's Guisepeppe, or Peppe, who agreed to work for "The Captain" of this boat to get back to Italy. The crew, for some odd reason, like to call Tony "The Professor" although they never explained why, even Tony's confused by this. Maybe this is what Madonna was calling Guy Ritchie while he was locked in the cage.

Amber is very hard to please. She doesn't like to swim, doesn't like the fish, wants cold, NOT COOL water, is always cold, is always hot, the air's too humid, the air's too chilly, the boat keeps rocking, the sky is too blue, the clouds is too puffy, and other really stupid things. The annoying thing is, the movie took about an hour to show how much of a bitch she is. And poor Peppe is getting abused so bad, the Jews had it better in Egypt (If you can trust "The Ten Commandments"...great I'm gonna get sued by them now.)

20 million bitchy complaints later, Amber finds out most of her friends and husband went off to some caves somewhere and she wants Peppe to take her. He doesn't want to, of course, but she makes him, so they go into a little raft boat thingy and they jet off. Things are going fine until the engine stops.

Amber bitches some more and Peppe says they are stranded until someone picks them up.
Two days later, they find land and Amber threatens to sue Peppe for some reason and a reason might've been said but I was too busy finding something around me to throw at the TV to make Madonna shut the hell up. It turns out the land they found is a deserted island. Not wanting to believe that, Amber says she's gonna search around herself and Peppe is glad to be rid of her.

Now Peppe, he's a good sailor/fisherman. He makes good with what's around him. He also found a little hut that was probably built by Harrison Ford and Anne Heche in "Six Days, Seven Nights". Amber, meanwhile, starves, is dying of thirst, and somehow twisted her ankle. A few days goes by and Amber comes limping back to Peppe.

Then things take a weird, and more annoying, turn. Peppe decides to get back at Amber and says "Ok, you want food and drink, you will be my SLAVE!! WASH MY CLOTHES, BITCH!!!!!" and he gets naked. Seeing the big ass fish he caught, she agrees. When she's done with his laundry, he lists some rules, such as she must call him Master and he is in charge and she must do everything he says with a smile or else he's gonna beat the ever living crap out of her. And to show he's not kidding, he punches Madonna a few times. Usually when I write something like that, I'm kidding, but here I am not, he really does punch her a few times.

So now the tables are turned and Peppe abuses Amber, literally and figuratively, and this goes on for another hour.

"I want my feet washed!!" (SMACK)
"Ok, Master."
"I want you to run around in a bikini for the next half hour showing your nipples so male audiences have a reason to see this movie!" (SMACK SMACK)
"Ok, Master."

And if all of that wasn't weird enough, Amber decides to fight back finally and while she's running away, he chases her, catches her, throws her down to the ground, and threatens to rape her. Well, he might've actually done it, the camera angles were kinda odd, but it looked like her bottom was off and his shorts were kinda down but not down all the way.

Now, I'm all for karma, you get what you give, but she didn't torture him and make him think she was gonna brutally rape him, that's going a little too far, if you ask me. But he says during this that when she fully and truly loves him he will knock it off.

They spend the next few days boinking up a storm and then it turns into scenes that really have nothing to do with anything, like Peppe having an odd daydream of Amber turning to Della Reese singing "Come On-a Over To My House" with a full orchastra, or later on in the hut during a rainstorm and when Peppe discover some whisky buried in the sand they play charades. Or the montage of them boinking on different places on the island while the Mazzy Star song "Fade Into You" plays.

FINALLY!!!! A ship comes and Amber is like, "NO!! Let's stay here!! I don't wanna go back, I love you!" and Peppe is like "Well, if you love me here, you will love me there, let us see." And he swims to the boat, which turns out to be some rich couple from England. Why they were boating near a deserted island near the Mediterranean Sea is beyond me. Tony, Amber's husband in case your mind is numb from picturing what I just described, picks them up and they go to Italy. Tony gives Peppe some money for taking care of Amber and Peppe is all upset because he can't boink her anymore and she hasn't confessed her love to him yet.

Peppe takes the money he got from Tony and buys a very nice and expensive ring. Then Peppe leaves Amber a note at her hotel and instructs the hotel clerk to give it to Amber only when she's alone. Amber is about to pick it up when Tony comes by and ruins the chance for Amber to read Peppe's note about him waiting at a pier in a boat. Tony makes Amber go back to the room and he notices the note hiding in their mailbox.

In the helicopter that's gonna take Amber and Tony back to America, I guess, Tony makes Amber give some bellhop a tip with an evelope. The bellhop reads the evelope which says "Last boat, pier 22" so he goes there, gives the evelope to Peppe and finds the ring. He discovers that Tony is the one who sent the ring back and chases after the helicopter as it takes off, with Amber crying just...kind of...ends.

So, I guess the answer is, no, she will not end up with Peppe. You heard it here first.

I'm gonna wrap this up with an open letter to Madonna and Guy Ritchie, seperately.

Dear Guy Ritchie,
Please do not make any more movies with your wife Madonna. Stick with kick ass movies like "Lock, Stock, and Two Smoking Barrells" or "Snatch". If you must put your wife in your movies, have her be the chick who gets killed early on in the movie or have a bomb tied to her chest and all the characters have to save her but they're late and it goes off. And no, I'm not bitter at all. Why should I be bitter? Just because I blew 4 bucks renting this piece of shit movie and wasted 2 and a half hours of my life watching this piece of shit movie doesn't make me bitter? I mean, Jesus, if you want to make a snuff film starring your wife, do so. I mean, you see her early videos, right? I'm sure she'll be all for it. And if you're looking for a guy to beat the crap out of her for the film, I'll be glad to help. I have an impressive film and TV resume. And please don't sue me.
Jason Soto.

Dear Madonna,
I liked you at one point. But now you are very fucking weird. I mean "Ester"? What's up with that shit? Now I really hate you for doing this to Guy Ritchie. It's one thing to marry him but ruin his fine film career by making him make this piece of shit? Maybe you should take a cue from Cher and KISS, do a "Goodbye" tour and fade away while I still respect your early career works. And so help me, if you make Guy Ritchie make another movie like this, I will come to your house with giant speakers and play your "American Life" album over and over until you apologize to me and your husband and to the world and give me back my 4 dollars and find me a good movie that lasts 2 and a half hours that I haven't seen.
Oh, and let Guy Ritchie out of his cage, please.


Thursday, November 19, 2009

New Review: 3 Ninjas: High Noon At Mega Mountain

What does Hulk Hogan, Loni Anderson, and Jim Varney have in common?

3 Ninjas: High Noon At Mega Mountain

Well, besides THAT.

Wednesday, November 18, 2009

Why I'm Gonna Stop Picking on "Glee"

I did a review/recap of sorts of the second episode of "Glee" and it seems like people liked it. There was even a demand to do it again. But after much thinking I decided to stop my quest to end the horror that is "Glee". And here's why in three words:

Fox Hates Success

Here's a quiz for you, what do the following shows, besides being on Fox, have in common:
Arrested Development
(Recently) Dollhouse
Family Guy

Yep, all shows that have rabid fans, did well among those fans, and despite all signs pointing to "Keep show on, channel will be successful", they cancelled those shows. Yeah, they bought Family Guy back but I think a blowjob was involved in that.

So going by Fox's track record, "Glee" will be cancelled, probably soon. I'll give it, oh...another season. Maybe two.

Although, I do regret not covering the following things that apparently happened on the show:
Dude singing the FUCKIN "Thong Song". Yes, that fuckin' happened. On a show that EVERYBODY watches. Watch this and just try not to stab your eyes out:

And there was another episode where they talked about the Wheelchair kid's weiner. And no, I'm not looking for video for that. You're on your own.

So yeah, this is the last I'm gonna talk about "Glee", at least until they do a muscial number based on "Back Dat Ass Up".

Monday, November 16, 2009

Overthinking Question Monday #2

Today's Overthinking Question is in regard to "The Neverending Story".

So you know that scene where what's-his-name the hero in the story is riding his horse Atryxo or whatever through this quicksand type stuff and they start sinking? And it's revealed that they're sinking because they're thinking sad thoughts. So the kid made it ok but the horse didn't?

Well this is a two-fer-one:
1. What the fuck kind of sad thoughts is a horse gonna think? Either a horse is depressed all the time or it don't mind being rode around on.
2. If thinking sad thoughts make you sink deeper into the sand, when the horse died, why didn't the kid just plummet straight through? I mean, he was the horse was tight, ya know? So I'm sure the kid was thinking all kinds of sad shit when the horse died.

As you can tell it's been awhile since I seen it but that's always bothered me.


Sunday, November 15, 2009


(OK, this review was written a long ass time ago. It was pretty much when "Gigli" came out on DVD. I posted it on my old website "Friday Night Video Review" (I should do something like that again. Did I do a parenthesis in a parenthesis? I need help). I'm telling you all of this cause no matter how many times I re-read this review, I can't think of any better way to re-word this. And I do refuse to watch this movie again. So here it is in all it's half-assed written glory.)

The later half of 2003 was spent by people going on and on about how bad the movie "Gigli" was, making certain individuals wonder, "Could it really be that bad?" I mean, there's Jennifer Lopez. Oh and Ben Affleck. And, how cute, they're dating AND made a movie together. It can't be that bad, right?

Let me put it this way, I rather have all my teeth removed and replaced with candycorn, which is the worst tasting candy ever, then have to watch this again. And if anyone makes me watch this again, I'm either going to have to kill them or myself. With that done, let's get on with it, shall we?

Affleck is Gigli, Larry Gigli, which rhymes with "Really". He is a "contractor" working for this odd looking guy named Louis. Louis wants Gigli to kidnap this "Mentally handicapped" kid.

The reason for the kidnapping? Ok, try to follow me on this. Some guy in New York named Starkman is on trial. This kid that Gigli is gonna kidnap is the little brother of the prosecutor. And if his brother is kidnapped, apparently, there isn't going to be a case.

So Gigli picks up Brian, the kid, at the place other kids like him live and takes him. Brian is obsessed with going to "The Baywatch" and if you say "You wanna watch Baywatch" he'll call you an idiot. So Gigli and Brian goes to Gigli's apartment when J. Lo's character shows up.

She gives the fake name Ricki and was also hired by Louis to watch Gigli because this is really important to Louis and he doesn't trust Gigli. Gigli, being a very typical guy, falls for Ricki. But Ricki states that she's a lesbian and it's hands off.

Christopher Walken makes an appearance as some nameless cop that Gigli knows, who reveals the plot about the prosecutor, and pretty much just leaves.

Gigli, Ricki, and Brian sit around some more and talk about relationships and yoga and why Ricki's a lesbian and why Gigli's an ass, and lord only knows what cause my mind went numb.

Finally, they leave the house and at a restaurant somewhere Gigli loses his cool with some kids playing punk music, but Ricki tells them some story about how the chinese poke people's eyes out and that shuts them up. Then Gigli gets a call from his mom wanting him to come over.

Gigli's mom is played by the chick who played the mother in "My Big Fat Greek Wedding", at least I think it's her, and she's one of those middle aged/going on old aged women who refused to age and gets botox injections in her ass, which is the reason why she called Gigli. She makes him bring Ricki and Brian in when Brian comes to the door asking to go pee. Mrs. Gigli thinks Larry and Ricki make a good couple and when finding out about Ricki being a lesbian, she hits on her, which is just creepy for everyone.

Gigli, Ricki, and Brian go back home, talk for another 45 minutes, when Ricki says "Hell with it, we'll have sex" and they proceed to do so. It should also be noted here that Brian not only likes The Baywatch, he likes rap music and Australian accents.

Louis calls the next day saying he wants Gigli to cut off the kid's thumb and send it to the kid's brother. While discussing that, some weird psycho chick shows up. She turns out to be Ricki's ex-girlfriend, Robin. Robin refuses to let Ricki go and she goes into Gigli's kitchen and slits her wrists.

After taking Robin to the hospital, both Ricki and Gigli realize that they don't really wanna cut Brian's thumb off, so they come up with a plan. Ricki distracts some lab guy while Gigli and Brian sneak into the morgue and Gigli cuts off some dead guy's thumb. They send that.

More talking at home, yada, yada...

The next day Louis calls saying he wants to meet with Gigli and Ricki. He takes them to Starkman's place, who just flew in from New York, and is played rather hyperly by Al Pacino. Starkman is pissed because he didn't want a thumb he wanted an actual finger, so he kills Louis (Only exciting thing in this movie) and wonders what to do with Gigli and Ricki.

Ricki talks (and talks and talks) her way out saying if Starkman just kills everyone, nothing will be solved, but if the brother is found alive, then things will be ok...I guess. I dunno, this movie doesn't make any sense. I mean, if kidnapping him is gonna distract the prosecutor, then why is returning him gonna further distract him? Thinking about this made my brain blow up, so I suggust you don't think about it either.

Then the longest fucking ending takes place when Gigli decides to give up his job, Ricki decides the same thing, Gigli is driving on a highway when Brian spots "The Baywatch" which is really just a video shoot happening on a beach with women in bikini's. After five minutes of pleading, Gigli stops at The Baywatch and leaves Brian there, so his easily distracted brother can come pick him up. Then Gigli tells Ricki to take his car because Ricki wants to continue to be a lesbian, so she does.

And while we're begging for THE END, Brian hooks up with an Australian chick on the video shoot. Now is it over? Nope! Ricki comes back, tells Gigli her real name is Rochelle (if anyone really gives a rats ass), and decides to stay with Gigli after all. I honestly was happy enough when she left his ass because Gigli is one annoying asshole and frankly it's probably men like him that turn women into lesbians, I doubt any lesbian would turn straight because of him. Oh yeah, thankfully it's the end.

See, that wasn't bad. That's because you're hearing it through me, who had to actually watch the damn thing. It didn't help any that it was 2 hours long. If it was an hour and a half, it would probably still be too long but I wouldn't have suffered as much.

There's just no point in me telling you what I thought, I think it's obvious enough. But if you are curious as to what was painful about the experience, that I can lay on you.
First off, everybody was just lounging around and just talking. Gigli trying to get into Ricki's pants, Ricki saying why she's a lesbian, Brian asking for The Baywatch and asking Gigli to read to him, Gigli getting pissed off all the time and acting like a macho asshole, Ricki trying to tell Gigli that he might be gay, and just endless pointless scenes that just go on and on. Why two of the greatest stars agreed to be in this is beyond me. And of course I'm talking about Christopher Walken and Al Pacino.


Saturday, November 14, 2009

A Mexican, An Irishman, and a Poll Walk Into A Bar

(To anyone offended by the title, I am all three. Suck it.)

Anyway, I gots some poll results for you!

First, during the test run of New Feature Week, I asked if Ed Wood and Tommy Wiseau were to participate in the 48-Hour Film Festival, who would make the worst movie. And the clear winner is Tommy Wiseau!

To anyone confused, the 48-Hour Film Festival is a film project where aspiring film makers show up at a location on a Friday night, are given a genre, a prop, and a line of dialouge, and then they have 48 hours to make a short film with all the stuff given to them. I went to a screening of one a few years ago and there was some good stuff. Along with some "weird" stuff. So I guess it would make sense Ed Wood would win since he proved he can make a FEATURE length film in two days. A short film would be nothing.

Onto the second poll, I asked which feature did you guys like and the CLEAR winner here is Overthinking Question Monday. And only one vote for Site/Personal News Friday.

Despite the zero votes it got, I probably will be doing the Trailer Thursday from time to time. So look out for that! Word.

Friday, November 13, 2009

New Review: I Was A Teenage Zombie

Feels good to be doing this after awhile!

I Was A Teenage Zombie


Jason on Jason: Friday the 13th Part 4: The Final Chapter

For this review, I decided to write out what the description on the back of the DVD says, then throw in my review in between the sentences. In other words, you'll be "reading in between the lines." HA!

"After the Crystal Lake Massacres, Jason is pronounced dead and taken to the hospital morge, where he is mysteriously revived-"

Ok so the movie first starts with some people that we'll never see sitting around a camp fire and one guy is telling us a camp fire story about the legend of Jason Vorhees. This is done by showing us non-stop clips of everything from the first three movies. I wonder if the scenes from Part 3 are in 3-D? I tried to throw on my 3-D glasses but didn't in time. Damn.

So after the montage of scenes are over and the credits promise this is the "final chapter", we pick up where Part 3 left off, with a bunch of dead people and a machete in Jason's hockey mask. A nervous paramedic take Jason's body to the hospital.

At the hospital, we meet the pervyest coroner ever. He would like to perform the autospy on Jason but he needs to fuck a nurse first. When Jason's hand brushes against the nurse's ass, she freaks out and leave. And I swear to you, they're trying to say the mere fact sex was about to happen was enough to bring Jason back from the dead (for the umpteenth time).

Sure enough, Jason kills damn near the entire hospital staff. So there's your "mysterious" reason he was revived.

"-allowing his diabolical killing spree to continue at the camp where the gruesome slaughtering began."

Did anyone notice that this sentence on the back of the DVD cover is a run-on sentence?

Anyway, I really don't recall the setting of this chapter if you will, being Camp Crystal Lake. I know there was woods. And there are two houses in the woods. One house belongs to a family, the Jarvis'es. Young Tommy Jarvis is played by, I'm not shitting you, Corey Feldman. This was around "The Goonies" so he's all young and innocent here.

And wait a minute. It takes place almost entirely in a house. So the recently released remake (say that three times fast) combined parts 1, 2, 3, AND 4? Jesus. I'm surprised it didn't end with Jason waking up on Broadway, sing "Start spreading the news!"

Across the way from The Jarvissss is an empty house that soon gets occupied by a bunch of (what else) horny teenager. One of these horny teenagers is played by, again I am not shitting you, Crispin Glover. Yes THAT Crispin Glover. This should be good cause I hear he can kick really high.

"But this time, in addition to terrified teenagers, he meets a young boy named Tommy Jarvis who has a special talent for horror masks and makeup-"

Why didn't they put in parentheses (Corey Feldman)? That surely would draw more people to watch this movie. Well, I'm putting it out there now in case you didn't know.

So yeah, Tommy has a room full of weird rubber masks and knows how to put horror make up on. He's a young Tom Savani. Wait. Tommy. Tom. Are you fucking kidding me?

Anyway, it turns into your typical "Friday" movie with the wild teenagers getting naked and either trying to have sex, having sex, or going skinny dipping. Almost everyone doing these activities are killed.

There's also some guy who's camping out in the woods with a buttload of knives. He had a run in with Jason but somehow survived. He ends up being the Hero in the Hero + Final Girl equation. To add to that equation, Hero + Final Girl / Corey Feldman. Cause you know Corey fuckin' Feldman isn't gonna die.

"-leading to a horrifying, bloody battle that will keep you on the edge of your seat!"

Jesus another fucking run-on sentence. Who wrote this DVD cover, a 15-year-old girl Myspacer? Surprised it doesn't say "Totes! Lates!!!" at the end.

So this "horrifying bloody battle". I guess.

Jason and Knife Dude are "battling" in The Jarvis's basement but it's super dark so you can't see. Tommy finds a newspaper clipping in Knife Dude's backpack and gets an idea. He runs to this room and immedately start shaving his head and applying makeup. Meanwhile Jason is all kinds of kicking Tommy's sister's ass. Finally, Tommy shows up, bald, except in some patches, and pretends to be Little Jason. Big Jason is confused and wants to investigate. That's when Tommy grabs a machete and just starts wailing on Jason. This was when they toyed with the idea of actually killing Jason, so Tommy is really going crazy here. That or Corey Feldman had some issues to work out. (Gee, ya think?)

"Has the diabolical Jason finally met his match?"

I guess so. In the form of a 12-year-old Corey Feldman, who ends the film by giving a creepy stare into the camera. Is that a set-up I smell?

If you picture the entire series as a downward slope, Part 4 would be about the middle. You can easily tell the direction the rest of the series is gonna take and by this point, you're just watching to see Jason stab horny teenagers. It was a neat experience watching this for the first time. I only ever seen Parts 1-3, then 8-X. I never really seen the middle dumping grounds of this series. So the next few movies should be a treat for you and me.

As an added bonus, I found this video of all the kills from this movie. I wanna tell you some things to look out for:
1. The video the pervy cornoner is watching before he gets killed.
2. The way the dude who was swimming is killed. It's a bit dark but you can JUST make out what's happening. And if you're a guy, be prepared to go "Owww..."
3. The scene between Crispin Glover getting killed and the scene of the chick getting killed THEN thrown out the window is like only a minute. So in that minute, he threw down Crispin's body, went outside, climbed the side of the house and timed his grab JUST right. Fuck, change his name to Jesus Vorhees. (I'm possibly going to hell for that.)
4. Ladies and gentlemen: Crispin Glover dancing.


Monday, November 09, 2009

Mary's Reviews: Miller's Crossing

A super long ass time ago, when The Site was new, I asked my friend Mary to write about movies for my site, because she has what I consider the most interesting perspective on things and the way she words things kinda amazes me. She did, writing two articles/reviews for me before she vanished into the netherworld known as "the real world". Well, she recently came back to the dark side (the internet) and I realized I had her reviews kinda buried on my site. So I figured I should upload them to here. With that said, two things:
1. Mary is real and not some made up character I swear. If you do not believe me, look on my Facebook and you'll find her name.
2. Things written in Mary's Reviews are the express opinions of Mary and Mary only. Jason Soto, Invasion of the B-Movie, and Up Late Productions do not nessessarily agree with any comments or statements Mary might make. Thank you and have a good day.


I HAD THE CHANCE TO SEE MILLER'S CROSSING, a Coen Brothers film about the mob, and it was in typical Coen Brothers fashion: It was really good. Lots of great characters, lots of great images (the hat in the leaves was fucking genius), lots of great dialogue. But the two things that totally stuck out in my mind about this movie were these:

John Turturro and graphic violence.

Anyone who knows me can tell you of my love for Turturro. The man just makes me happy. He's got a crooked smile and a snaggletooth, he's got sleepy eyes, he's tall and lanky. But he's just so damn lovable. I think he stands in my Top 5 Favourite Actors, and that says a lot, seeing as how I have a lot of "favourite actors". He can play an idiot, a racist, a pedophile, a dad, a playwright, and whatever he wants to be, and he still makes me giggle like a schoolgirl (yeah I know..)

This movie is no exception. He plays Bernie, the brother of a woman who....ah, hell, I don't want to explain the plot. Let me just tell you why he steals this movie.

His character seems to be a bit dim. He pisses off the wrong people totally. They drive him to the woods in typical mob fashion to kill him, and here's where he really shines. It dawns on him that yes, they really are going to put a bullet in his brain, this is his last moment alive. He totally does it up. They drag him out there like a mom dragging a screaming kid away from a toy store. He's bawling, screaming, whining, crying. It's so fucking great. He's just totally losing it. The Man marches him out there, saying nothing, holding out his gun . Bernie is up ahead, turning around constantly and trying to reason with him to not kill him. "I AM NOT SUPPOSED TO DIE, NOT HERE!" - he becomes more and more frantic and panicked. Finally he drops to his knees in the leaves and holds his hands up in plea like one of those old biblical paintings (I wonder who chose that action; the Coens or him?) and starts crying. "Look in your heart!" he yells, "Look in your heart!"

I won't give away what happens with Bernie, and whether The Man actually looks in his heart, but those words come around again once more later on, for one of the more effective death scenes I've seen in a movie. Plus, Turturro is sneaky and greasy and a right total bastard - my crush on him still remains. What the hell is wrong with me?

Also, this movie is so violent it would make Tarantino blush. It's one of those things where you think, "They're not going to show that..." -- but they do. Oh do they ever. People die alot in this movie. But they don't just die; they are beaten, tortured, mocked, humiliated, each death squeezed out for the most pain. The guy who plays the 'Brother Shamus' detective in the Coen's other film The Big Lebowski, has a pretty good role in this one, and man, he's fucking awesome. I began the film by laughing at the fact he was in it; all I could think of was, "Who the fuck are the Knutsons?", but that quickly dissipated. Then I began to kind of get scared of this guy. I mean really scared. What a fucking screwloose.

If it weren't for Turturro and some other things, this movie would be pretty pedestrian. I didn't care about the main character much, he wasn't that interesting. The lady Anybody could have played her. But the things that make this movie good, REALLY make it good. I suggest that if you're a fan of violence, good filmmaking, talent or mob movies, you should see this. It's pretty good.

Oh and keep an eye out for Frances McDormand in a really small role as a seceratary. Even back in '90 before she really made a name for herself, she was a bright light in the film. And I think she had like 3 lines. Maybe 4. She's so fucking talented. Good thing they put her in Fargo.

See Miller's Crossing, with my blessing.


Ooohhh, so that's where I got my "-Jason" from. Damn. Guess I owe Mary years of royalties.
-Jason (another 50 bucks down the drain)

So....Which Feature Did You Guys Like?

Vote on the poll over to the right and tell me. Whichever one (or ones) win on Saturday will be the new feature(s).

For a reminder on what they might look like:
Overthinking Question Monday
Movies I Like Tuesday
Wednesday Poll
Trailer Thursday
Website/Personal News Friday


Sunday, November 08, 2009

When Two Posts Become One

1. The new LAMBcast is up, where me, Mr. Fletch, and Tom Clift all talk about "The Room". I had fun recording this with them and I hope you have fun listening to it. Thankfully, I don't sound too much like a moron in this one, so yay for that. Give this a listen, ok doggie? Oh hi!

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2. It's Sunday! Let's see how the participants are doing on the Great Invasion of the B Movies Scavanger Hunt!

In the lead is Rachael M. with 1050 points, because she was the first to create, then submit, a Wikipedia page on Invasion of the B Movies.

In second place is Maria with 95.

And tied for third is April, Fletch, and Scott from Bargain Bin Reviews for 50 points.

There's still time to join in the fun! Just email me saying you wanna do it and we'll do it...ew. Sorry for that phrasing.

The Fifth Kind: Talking About Seeing A Movie

Hello, I am actor Brad Pitt. I play Mr. Jason Soto in this retelling of this shocking story of a man going to see the movie "The Fourth Kind." Using real documented footage and eyewitness reports, we know that Mr. Soto did indeed see this movie. What you are about to see is shocking.

Sunday November 8th, 2009

I went and saw the movie "The Fourth Kind". I normally-

-don't review movies I've seen in theaters on this site. And I'm not stating that is a bad movie. It just left an impact on me and I felt the need to blog about it. Shirtless. Isn't that right, [name omitted]?

Uh huh.

So I sat down and watched this movie and at first I thought it was all a gimmick, just like "Paranormal Activity". In fact, the trailer for this movie was shown before "P.A" so I figured this was as well. The entire movie-

-switches back and forth between actors and the real people. It tends to get tiresome after awhile. Especially when they do the-

-split screens showing the actor AND real person talking. And this goes on for awhile.

Eventually the scary stuff happens and my lovely fiance [name omitted] continued to jump into my lap. Isn't that right?

Uh huh.

And another thing I noticed is that it seems like anyone that was remotely mean or didn't believe the main chick, named Abigail, is protrayed as a jerk. The two main characters that got this treatment was her son and the town's sherriff. Everyone else, including Casey Jones, is super nice to Abigail, only because they personally go through the-

-same experiences as Abigail. Any event, it's an ok movie. I'm guessing everything we did witness was real, which makes one certain scene in the movie extremely fucked up. I was a bit pissed off at the sherriff cause he wasn't believing Abigail despite the fact one of his OWN deputies saw the crap go down. And just to warn you-

-the movie has a bummer of an ending. So don't go in expecting some kind of feel-good ending. And it's not really a horror movie, even though fucked up things happen. So horror fans, avoid lest ye be dissapointed. Anyway, I have been Jason Soto, reporting on the movie "The Fourth Kind."

Everyone needs to know what kind of movie they are getting themselves into. Learn from me! LEARN FROM ME!!

  • Mr. Jason Soto soon retired...for the evening to go watch some TV.
  • Mr. Soto's Fiance [name omitted] also bed to take a quick nap.
-Brad Pitt

Saturday, November 07, 2009

Apparently Friday is Forgetful Friday

Blah, it's been one of them weeks and I kinda forgot about coming up with a feature for Friday to try out. Judging by the responses of the other posts I think I found a few that would work anyway so maybe it's all for the best that I didn't come up with anything for today.

I figured I'd mention a few things here since I have this big ol' box to fill (that what HE said):

1. I'm a bit over 2000 words in my NaNoWriMo novel but I saw Wings is almost at 8000. Jesus, somebody's a writing machine. Anyway, I plan on giving you guys a preview of a chapter soon because I think it's a doozy of a novel. I'm kinda keeping what it's about a secret but I can release the title. It is called: "The Horrible Tragic Life of Dr. Feet (A Invasion of the B Movies Novel)". I'll let you come to your own conclusions on what it's about before I show you a chapter.

2. Part of the Scavanger Hunt items I listed was so many point awarded to whoever was first in created a Wikipedia page on Invasion of the B-Movies. Good friend Rachael M. went and did just that. Yeah, it's not a huge entry but hey it's an entry nonetheless and I love it. I'll be posting who got how many points on Sunday. If you wanna join in on the Scavanger Hunt, it's not too late. Just send me an email (invasionofthebmovies at gmail dot com) saying "I Wanna Join The Hunt!!"

3. Last week I recorded an episode of The LAMBcast with Fletch and Tom Clift and I think it was awesome. But since Fletch is too busy handling Nicolas Cage's fiances, he hasn't been able to post the episode yet. I will make a post when it is available.

4. I got a fun thing planned for Christmas...if I can get the movies. I hate when crap gets out of print.

5. A bit of a rant. Why are all Disney movies so fucking expensive to buy on DVD? The other day I was thinking about how awesome "Monsters Inc." was and wanted to buy it. That came out, what, 2001? 2002? It should be at least 10 bucks by now. I go into the store and it's damn near 20 bucks! And I look at all the other Disney movies...they're all 20 bucks too! I'm like "The fuck?" I can see all the newer ones maybe being that price but Monster's Inc.? Fucking even Pete's Dragon, which came out not too long after Walt Disney himself was frozen, was 20 bucks. Jesus, Disney, lay the fuck off, ok?
And speaking of Disney, I'm glad there's gonna be a Toy Story 3 but think about all the kids that are out there right now. They all watch and listen to Zach Effron and Miley Cyrus. So when they go to see Toy Story 3 they're gonna be like "Why isn't Hannah Montana not voicing this Woody character? Where's Troy?!?!" And not know who Tim Allen or Tom Hanks is. So let's be honest here, Toy Story 3 is for the adults who loved Toy Story 1 and 2. They might as well have made this a hardcore porn version.

6. You know, a good theme for Friday could be personal gripes and updates on stuff in my life. Yeah! And like B-movie news or something. Invasion of the B-Movies News Update Channel 6! This just in: Michael Bay still sucks! Film at 11! There's ya fuckin' theme for today!

I swear I'm ok.

Thursday, November 05, 2009

New Feature Beta Testing Week: The Return of Trailer Thursdays

I use to do this a long time ago so maybe I can brink it back.

Here's the trailer for the "blaxpoitation spoof" Black Dynamite. Watching this trailer, you'd think it was a 1970's blaxpoitation film. Which is friggin' awesome.


Wednesday, November 04, 2009

Awesome Fuckin' Video

I had to share this for reasons (many of them) you'll find.


New Feature Beta Testing Week: Wednesday Poll

I figure maybe on Wednesday I can have a poll. Why not?

The first poll:

If these two guys signed up for the 48 Hour Film Challenge/Festival, who do you think would make the WORST movie?
Ed Wood
Tommy Wiseau

Hard one I know.

Tuesday, November 03, 2009

New Feature Beta Testing Week: Movies I Like Tuesday

I normally make this a feature every now and then but I'd thought I'd see if I can make it a weekly thing. I normally talk about bad movies and it's effects on me but I thought let's take a look at a actual good movie and see how it effects me. For tonight's beta testing, let's take a look at Bubba Ho-Tep.

Way back in 2003 I heard about this little movie starring Bruce Campbell as a guy who may or may not be Elvis in an old folks home fighting a mummy. In other words: I had to see this fucking thing. I just bought it cause how could it not be awesome and I was not dissapointed.

The story is set almost entirely in a retirement home in Texas. A man who claims to be Elvis Presley resides there. Elvis says that one day back in 1977 he switch places with an impersonator because he was tired of the famous life. So it was the impersonator who died that fateful night in August. Of course no one believes him and he ended up in the home because he fell into a coma after breaking his hip.

Now at the home, a lot of residents are dying, which isn't really news but it's the way they are dying. Like their souls are being sucked out. Elvis teams up with this black dude who claims to be John F. Kennedy (Ozzie Davis) after a government conspiracy put his mind in the body of a black guy. Unfortuately, only JFK here believes Elvis that something is up.

Slowly, more crazy things happen like a weird ancient bug flies into Elvis' room and JFK finds dirty heirogylphics written in the bathroom walls. After investigating, they realize the perpertrator is a cursed mummy who, while being transported to another museum, crashed nearby. Now this "Bubba Ho-tep" is awake and hungry for human souls.

I'll stop there cause the final showdown is great. I highly recommend this movie, despite how weird it sounds. Bruce Campbell is great as Elvis and if you get this on DVD, listen to the commentary track by the King himself.

Monday, November 02, 2009

New Feature Beta Testing Week: Overthinking Question Monday

Now that I got a major blog-a-thon over with and it's offically November and I'm currently running a SCAVANGER Hunt (I was hungover Sunday, leave me alone) and taking part in NaNoWriMo (I'll post some chapters later, you guys will get a kick out of it) I thought to myself "Hm, I need some kind of new running feature thingy, since I stopped doing the Fight for #1 thing in the summer. What can I do, hmm?"

The dog that was near me when I asked this looked at me, then peed. I dunno if that was his answer. Should I have you guys pee? Nah, I'll save that for the "Invasion of the Fetishes" blog I run at night.

So I decided to just try different crap each day this week and see what sticks. So today I'll Beta Test a feature called "The Overthinking It Question For Monday", where I'll post a question I'm sure no one thought of (Well, maybe Fletch) and see if maybe I can get some kind of discussion going on. Ready? Here we-a go.

In "Shaun of the Dead", Shaun is at his Mom's house and he's trying to convince her to go with him. While talking about his stepfather Phillip, who Shaun doesn't really like, he just blurts out "I never told you but...Phillip touched me." Then after a too long pause he goes "Ok, no he didn't." I have to ask: Why did he say that? It's a line that bothered me cause it seems out of place in a movie full of clever dialouge and situations. Plus it makes Shaun seem kind of a dick for saying that, which is wildly out of character. I don't really get it.


Sunday, November 01, 2009

The Great Invasion of the B Movies Scavanger Hunt!

It's here, it's here, it's here!! Woo!! (I'm so hungover right now that I typed in Woow. I almost kept it.)

Anyway, it's here. If you didn't read the previous post about this here's what's going on and the rules and stuff:
1. If you wish to participate, email me saying "I want to participate". By simply doing this, you automatically get 50 points towards your score. So see, you get points from the start.
2. There's a list of 30 things. I seperated it into two parts. Part 1 are questions that need to be answered. The second part are the tasks that require you to do stuff. I tried to be as clear as possible but if you are confused about something, feel free to email me.
3. The hunt will last the entire month of November. So you have until December 1st to turn in your stuff. During the month, you can slowly send me whatever things you need to send. Just have it all done by 12/1/09.
4. As I also mentioned, there is a real prize here. The person with the most points on December 1st will win a $25 Visa gift card, good anywhere Visa is accepted. If there is a tie, I will split it and hand out two $15 dollar gift cards if possible.
5. Each Sunday during November I will make a post updating who has how many points so you can see how you are doing and if you need to catch up or not.
6. There are a total of 6,709 points on the hunt. (My math might be inaccurate, so if anyone thinks that's wrong, let me know.) If somehow anyone is able to get every single possible point on the hunt, I will give you a $50 dollar gift card.
7. A few things require you to have a camera or video camera. If you don't have neither, let me know and I'll come up with a non-picture/video related task.
8. Have fun!

So that's it. Email me for the list if you wanna join. You can join in anytime during the month, but you'll really have to work hard to catch up. Good luck!