Being bored at home on your day off is dangerous. You just putz around the internet, clicking on shit, until you stumble upon something. (Oddly enough, I WAS NOT on StumbleUpon.) I found this website called "Did You Know?" that tells us weird, but true, facts. Then while looking that up, I found out that there's a parody site called "Did Yuo Kno?" (Grammar Nazi's, lay your weapons down, it's misspelled on purpose) and the parody site is fucking hilarious! And just know that NOTHING on that site is serious, so if anyone here takes it seriously, get off my blog cause clearly you don't have a brain.
Anyway, I do what I do best and ripped them off and now I present to you Did You Know? HORROR Edition!
If you have any you'd like to see made into a Did You Know? Horror Edition, leave them in the comment section!
It's the day after The LAMMY nominations have been announced and a lot of us are feeling a bit punch drunk for various reasons. Some because they been nominated a billion times, some because they haven't been nominated at all, and some because the ares they thought FOR SURE they'd be nominated in didn't get nominated.
You could listen to the LAMBcast episode to hear the nominations, but you'd have to fast forward through some Tom Cruise talk that was put before it for some reason, and have to deal with Nick's Ralph Fiennes impersonation (That was what he was doing, right?) to get to it. Thankfully, my best friend in the whole wide world Sam over at "Duke & The Movies" put together a list. So mucho thanks to Sam for doing that.
So here's my take on everything.
1. Thank you to everyone who nominated me for Funniest Writer and Best Horror. I really am grateful to have some fans who think I'm funny and horrific at the same time. It does my self esteem problems proud to know that at least SOMEBODY loves what I do.
2. With that said, what the hell? No Podcast nom again? I understood the first year cause we were new. I understood LAST year cause people complaining we were too long of a show. But now? We're in the middle of our third year AND the show is barely an hour long. So I dunno, I guess we're gonna have to get gimmicky on your ass. Look out for The Lair of The Unwanted Sponsored By Hooters! Starring Bambi, Jason, AND Nolahn!!
"So Bambi, what did you think of 'Yor: The Hunter From The Future'?"
*Insert 3 million downloads*
I see how you people are...
3. It's a shame some of my friends didn't get nominated. Poor Nolahn didn't even get a New LAMB nom whatever year he started. And I don't think GreatWhiteDope got nominated for anything either. It's a shame cause both are great writers and deserve some recognition. GreatWhiteDope is easily the smarter version of me. He watches the same shitty movies I do but he puts a smart spin on it by telling you all about the movie, the writer, director, stars, what they ate for breakfast each day during shooting, and more! So guys, just know that I'm on your side and I TOTALLY voted for you both.
4. It's pretty well established that Nick at Random Ramblings got shafted. Big time. I won't get into it here.
5. Congrats to everybody who DID get nominated and I look forward to fighting the good fight with my fellow nominees, although I'll be honest, in the horror department...I haven't heard of a bunch of you before. I'm totally out of the loop, huh?
Anyway, voting hasn't started yet but when it does, it'd be fucking sweet and amazing if you LAMBS (and only LAMBS, unfortunately) voted for me in Best Funny Blog and Horrorist Guy In The World!
I don't know why I'm doing this. But not only am I gonna be doing Old School Summer, starting June 1st, but during the month of June, I'll be doing this Summer Screams challenge thrown down by Cinefessions. I'm not 100% clear on the rules but all I know is during June I have to list every horror movie I watch in this spot, updating it throughout the month. I guess there's a theme to it as well? I dunno, I didn't get nominated for Smartest LAMB for a reason. Anyway, if you wanna know what's going on, check this page here and follow the rules if you wanna join it. Lord knows I could use some company!
-Abraham Lincoln vs Zombies
-One Eye Monster
-Satan's Little Helper
-The Poughkeepsie Tapes
-Hard Ticket To Hawaii
-Abraham Lincoln Vampire Hunter
-Bloody Horror 2
For a few months, I been wrestling around with the idea of buying a Blu-Ray player. Here's the short pro and con's list I came up with:
Super popular now
They're getting cheaper now that EVERYONE and their mother has one
I own a shit ton of DVD's, I'd have to transfer over to Blu-Ray
Blu Ray's generally are expensive as fuck
I normally don't care about movie quality or how it looks.
Seems to mainstream. VHS MOTHERFUCKER!!
But then I went to my local Target and in their clearance section, they had a Blu Ray player for 40 BUCKS! I was like "WHA?!?!?!" So I had to snatch that shit up. So now...I have a Blu-Ray player!
This one. Looks spooky in the dark!
Anyway, now I get to buy Blu-Ray's! How fun! The first two I bought were (I should save this for the next episode of "Jason's Awesome DVD Shelf" but fuck it) "Evil Dead 2" and "Dawn of the Dead (2004)". And TODAY I rented "The Woman in Black" and "The Devil Inside" on Blu Ray! I'm excited!
So I guess what I'll just do is this:
-Buy any future movies I would've bought on DVD on Blu Ray
-Replace any bad DVD's or *AHEM*notrealdvds*COUGHCOUGH* on Blu Ray. Hence, me buying "Evil Dead 2".
I guess I'll open this up. Any interesting movies I should get on Blu Ray? You all know me and should know what I like. I think? Anyway, lay any suggestions on me! I'd love to hear them.
And so it begins! It is LAMMY Time! To those of you NOT in the know, every year The Large Association of Movie Blogs hosts The LAMMY's, celebrating awesome blogging history and prestige or some shit like that. As you can see off to the right I've won a staggering four times. But this year I think is going to be different. Why?
Because since last year the LAMB has blown the fuck up! It went from having a small handful of members to HOLY FUCKING SHIT HALF THE POPULATION OF THE WORLD IS NOW A MEMBER!! You know how I complain about nobody reading my shit or anyone reading my comments in the old day? Well now I'll be TWICE as ignored! Maybe THREE TIMES! Who knows!
In other words, there's a lot of competition this year and this time around me and Nolahn are gunnin' for the Best Podcast award. Well, consider this your plea from me, fellow LAMB members, on why you should vote for me for these awesome categories:
Why do all the fancy schmancy uptight blogs and movie review sites always win Best Blog? Why can't a small B-Movie site win? Does it say in the category that "only blogs run my fancy people with fancy movie tastes can ONLY win this category"? Nope! It doesn't! So let's shake shit up and nominate me for Best Blog.
Best podcast: The Lair of the Unwanted
This is our third year doing the show and I think it's time we get some motherfucking recognition! Plus we've redesigned the show so now it's leaner, meaner, and more awesome! THE LAIR FOR BEST PODCAST!
Best Horror Blog:
I'll be honest, I don't know of too many new horror blogs that's came up since last year. I don't have a problem in this category, I don't think, but if there's some new upstart I need to worry about, then I guess it's time to do a "Black Swan" on them. Or..."Talented Mr. Ripley"? "Strangers on a Train"? "My Dinner With Andre?" Something.
Best Blog-A-Thon(g): Shark Attack
I think my Shark Attack Blog-A-Thon(g) has gotten huge over the past few months and I had fun doing it. I had to quit due to me getting burnt out, but that shouldn't stop you LAMB's from voting for it!
Best Running Feature: The Netflix Corner/Game
I hope this counts since I now run it over at The LAMB, but since it came to life here on my site, it totally should. This is by far the most popular thing I've ever came up with and I am happy about it. This should have a chance of winning!
Best Movie Reviewer
"And of course Situdouche dies. Thank god, cause I am now out of ways to combine Situation and douche."
"While they're fucking in 2002, everybody else goes outside where it's 1988 and...hell if I know what happened next."
"I guess a bunch of guys got their boner senses and flocked to this gas station."
Those are all words I WROTE! Now if that isn't the work of a damn good reviewer, then I dunno what is!
The year was 2006. The movie "Black Snake Moan" was just about to be released and LiveJournal was the Facebook of 2006. Someone in a MST3K group found out that some chick who was in a movie featured on MST3K had a LiveJournal and a lot of us flocked to her journal. Turns out, she's two things that I promise are not related to each other: 1. A Bitch and 2. A feminist. I'm sure there are feminists who aren't bitches, and I'm sure there are bitches who aren't feminists so I'm not saying there's a connection between the two. Anyway, this chick was dating this guy and he SWORE he too was a feminist. Now this I can tell you is bullshit because there are only two types of guys: 1. Guys who don't need to clam to be feminists to agree that women should be equal at all times and should be respected and 2. Guys who only want to fuck hot bitchy feminists so they PRETEND to be "male feminists". Anyway, you needed to know all of that for me to relay this next part. The Pretend Male Feminist makes a post on his LiveJournal about how "Black Snake Moan" was horrible and shouldn't feature Samuel L. Jackson chaining a woman to a radiator and how dare MEN come up with this movie and you should burn in hell for even THINKING about this movie. But here's the kicker: HE HADN'T SEEN THE GOD DAMN FUCKING MOVIE!!! So...WHAT THE FUCK!?!? What kind of douche does that? Does this guy NOT know the difference between fiction and real life? I mean, it's not a documentary. Sam Jackson didn't REALLY chain Christina Ricci to a radiator. And plus if the fucktard watched the movie, he would've learned WHY this happened: TO HELP HER! I...FUCK THIS GUY! Anyway, 2006 also corresponds with the year I started this blog and I had to write about it. I was pretty proud of what I wrote and decided to send it to the guy only to show him how much of a douche he is and well, he wasn't too happy about it. Anyway, to prove how much of a bitch and a dickhead these two were, a week later they posted on their separate LiveJournal's the two following things and I PROMISE I'm not making up: 1. People don't deserve to have weddings and how dare people ask for help in planning weddings and 2. People who can't have kids don't deserve to ask for help in adopting a child that I'm sure needs a parent. This was the final straw. I literally told them both to go fuck themselves with something rusty and removed them from my friends list. And that was the end of that.
Did you laugh at anything I just wrote? Cool.
I do make a pretty damn good cupcake. Would you like one?
So, Dear LAMB members, if you haven't voted yet AND ONLY MEMBERS OF THE LAMB CAN DO THIS, please consider voting for me in any/all of the above categories. That would be fucking awesome.
A couple of weeks ago over at Man, I Love Films, I took it upon myself to review "Wolf Creek", which was a movie Co-Founder Kai sent to me. If you didn't read the review, just know that I HAAATED IT! I explained why in the review but I've been getting some criticism lately and I feel I need to explain myself a bit further.
I seriously have no problems with movies that take their time setting up a mood or pacing, if it's done right. A movie can take 20 or 30 minute setting up mood before all the crazy violent shit happens. But "Wolf Creek" took FIFTY FUCKING MINUTES before ANYTHING WORTH TALKING ABOUT happened! The first 50 minutes of this movie was (and I'm not kidding here):
-Dude buys car.
-Dude and chicks pack car.
-Dude, chicks, and people party.
-Dude and chicks get in car and drive.
-Dude and chicks take turns driving.
-Dude and one of the chicks like each other.
-Other chick tells dude this.
-Dude and chicks camp.
-Dude talks about aliens.
-Dude and chicks drive some more.
-Dude and chicks pull up into a creepy gas station.
-They get gas.
-They almost get into a fight.
-They arrive at the giant meteor hole
-Their car breaks down.
-They sit in car for awhile.
And then finally our villain shows up, pretends to be helpful, and yadda yadda yadda. With good editing, all that bullshit, which WASN'T IMPORTANT to the story, could've been cut down to 20-30 minutes tops. We get maybe a scene of the villain terrorizing a girl before everyone just scatters and the movie decides to be mean and have the dude act like fuckin' Jesus and show up everywhere to BE SURE these people die horribly.
Now to defend my decision to not finish the movie. It's a LONG fucking movie. I have no idea why it's so god damn long. I was hating this movie and just wanted it to end. And the part I think people don't read in my review is, I turned it off like 5 minutes before the actual ending. I got through 95% of the movie, realized pretty early on I hated the movie, and figured the ending was going to piss me off more cause very rarely in movies I hate do the endings change my mind.
And besides, I went on Wikipedia and read up on the ending. So I know what happens. I just couldn't finish it. I was sick of it by a certain point and was disgusted when the guy just shoots the girl and burns her in the car on the side of the road. Then it went to the dude that everybody forgot and I said "FUCK THIS I DON'T CARE ANYMORE" and turned it off.
I know I've been doing this for a long time but I swear I never claim to be a horror expert. There are people who are smarter than me when it comes to this shit. I'm more of a fan. People like reading my shit cause I'm funny and I put a spin on things, not cause I'm smart. I'll be the first to admit I'm fucking stupid. So I reviewed this movie not as a movie expert, not as a horror expert, not even as a critic, just a stupid American horror fan who likes certain types of movies. If this movie changed your life or helped you find a friend, that's awesome, I'm happy for you. Me? I will never, ever, EVER watch this movie again and I'm only keeping the DVD because it was a gift/prize and I respect the man who gave it to me.
With that said, listen to this awesome episode of The LAMBcast, will you?
Almost every day when I go flipping around Netflix for what to watch I see this movie called "Bikini Girls On Ice" and go "Oh my, that sounds fucking retarded...I must review that soon!" Well, today's the day, folks! And I gotta be honest with you, it's not AS retarded as I thought it was gonna be.
You know you got a slasher movie on your hands when the opening shows a girl who'll never be important to the movie ever again after this opening scene. She shows up at this broke down gas station, wearing a bikini, and looks for help cause her cell phone went out. She calls a friend using a-GASP-LAND LINE AND DOUBLE GASP IT'S A ROTARY PHONE! I'm sure in real life, this chick would look at this thing and go "Uh...how do I slide to unlock?"
After calling her friend about bikini issues, she goes back to her car to find someone chained her bumper to...something off camera. And because women don't know how cars work, she doesn't understand how to simply undo the chain from the bumper and therefore she's killed by a dude who looks like a greasy Jared Padalecki (the tall guy from "Supernatural"), and then to live up to the title, Sam Winchester puts the girl on ice.
Well, that's one girl in a bikini on ice. Just need one more and the title will make sense.
Now we meet Jenna, who's a smart college girl who normally doesn't wear bikinis. Despite this character flaw, she's pretty ok in my book. She gets offers to join schools all over the country! Like University of Lordia! And Aarvard! WOW! Best I can do is get an offer from University of Honix. Anyway, her roommate Samantha (or Sam) LOVES wearing bikinis! And buys one for Jenna! So she can be part of the awesome bikini group that's happening. So what is happening?
Some hot girls at this college we never learn the name of want to organize a car wash and it's run by this somewhat hot but extremely BITTTTTTCHY girl who wants to do this for...pretty much no reason. I mean WHY NOT? It's an excuse to get hot girls in bikini's. So whatever. Anyway, the bitchy girl bosses around this guy named Blake, who looks like a poor man's Shia LaBeaouf. And you have problems if you're the POOR MAN's Shia LaBeaouf.
So yadda yadda yadda Blake wants to fuck the bitchy chick, one of Blake's friends wants to fuck Jenna, a bunch of other hot chicks in bikinis want to show cleavage. There's a lesbian couple and...
Hello? Hello! HEY!! I know, I got lost too when that scene came up!
Anyway, while going to where they were gonna host this car wash, the bus breaks down at the GAS STATION OF DOOM!!! and decide FUCK IT! Let's have it here! And oddly enough, cars actually come by. I guess a bunch of guys got their boner senses and flocked to this gas station. While the car wash is going on, Jared Winchester there kills some lesser characters, including a dog. When the cast starts getting down to counting them on one hand, it becomes night time and everybody wants to leave. Bitchy girl blames Blake for EVERYTHING for no reason reason, especially when he goes missing.
After this point, it turns into your standard slasher. I'll talk about the killer. His name is Moe. I'm serious. This guy's name is Moe. And after he kills someone, he puts their body on ice. This is never explained. When he kills the bitchy chick (YAY!!!!!), he cuts off her bikini top and then that's all we get. Is he harvesting organs? Is he trying to preserve them so he can fuck them? It's never explained.
Eventually, it's down to Jenna and Sam and they manage to find a car that was down the road, get in, and drive away. But they hear a banging in the trunk and Jenna MUST stop to check it out. Hey guess what? It's Moe. And no, I have no idea how he manage to get AHEAD of them and get into the trunk WITHOUT keys but whatever. Moe kills Sam and knocks Jenna out. She wakes up in a tub of ice, runs from Moe a bunch more, and then the old guy that's in EVERY SLASHER MOVIE that warns about the killer shows up to kill the killer while Jenna gets away. And of course, there's a twist ending. The end!
As you can tell, it's your run-of-the-mill slasher. There's one scene with tits and you barely see them, so it's a bit of a let down. But if you're in the mood for a dumb slasher movie with some hot chicks, then I say check this out. I will say MOST of the girls aren't that attractive but eh, what do you want? They have nice tits anyway.
Christ, I'm not winning any points with the feminists, aren't I?
I'm setting up to record Episode 2 of "Jason's Awesome DVD Shelf" (coming soon) and as I was scanning my DVD's I realized there's a shit ton of movies there that I haven't even seen yet, or been meaning to rewatch to re-do a review. Then I realize why:
Fucking Netflix! I have all these movies that I've never seen at my fingertips that I just ignore all the ones I paid good hard earned money on, so what's the point of having an awesome DVD collection if I'm gonna be part of the problem and use Netflix!
So I'm announcing right now that starting in June and going all summer long, I'm going Motherfuckin' Old School on your asses! Fuck yeah! I'm gonna cancel my Netflix subscription and only watch and review movies I have on DVD. And better yet...any movies I WANNA see or review I'm gonna RENT them. I KNOW! RENT A MOVIE?!?! EGADS I MUST'VE LOST MY FUCKING MIND!!!
(Right now all the 20-year-olds who come to my site are like "Wait, you're gonna LEAVE your place to GET a movie? NOOB!")
I don't have any particular movies in mind yet but I know I got a lot of hidden gems on my shelf. Oh, and I'll be doing this for my reviews at Man, I Love Films as well. So look out for that, coming soon!
Normally, I listen to music while writing reviews but I think I'm gonna pass this time. "Yellowbrickroad" is pure definition of a B-Movie. I don't know what their budget was (Me? Research? Surely you jest!) but it couldn't have been more than 50 dollars. And that's not even in insult to the film. 90% of the movie was in the forest, hardly any CGI was used, and it's only soundtrack was public domain music.
Sometime in the 1940's, a bunch of people in the town of Prior got up and started walking North for reasons nobody knows and in present day (2010) a husband and wife team named Teddy and Melissa want to know what was up. So they set forth to begin their own expedition, but since it's the 21st century, they bring along a shitload of people and devices to help track the way, like GPS and...maps?
We're introduced to a brother and sister team of "map experts", a guy who's a wildlife expert, a doctor of medicine and psychology, and some other chick because she's hot I guess. Well, she is hot but I really don't know why she came along besides to annoy the characters later.
They arrive at Prior and instead of finding the start of the trail the old townspeople took, they find a movie theater. Inside the theater is Liv, a local girl who thinks what Teddy is doing is exciting and begs to come with, saying her Grandfather knew some of the people who disappeared. She shows them the real start of the trail and so begins their quest.
It starts out normal enough then one night, they start hearing music in the forest. Sadly, it isn't this:
Or even this:
Instead it's, well, 1940's music. And everybody is weirded out and fascinated by this. But around day 2 of hearing it non-stop, it starts driving people a bit crazy. And then things start breaking down when the brother kills his sister over something stupid and it's not just a simple kill, he goes NUTS, even ripping her leg off. Soon it's revealed that the brother was slowly going crazy and wrote down a bunch of gibberish in his logs that were suppose to be used to get back home.
Then things get creepier when the music suddenly gets louder, then softer, then it sounds like someone suddenly removed the needle, and then the sound gets crazy for a good solid five minutes where there's nothing but a piercing screeching noise. It comes to an end when they find the sister's body all mangled and posted like a scarecrow. The brother manages to escape.
Realizing things are getting fucked, some people want to go a different direction than North. This includes the wildlife guy and Liv, who reveals she lied about her Grandfather and just wanted to come along for fun. So they split up, then Teddy and Melissa fuck and then THEY split up and soon the pointless girls eats all the candy and kills herself, leaving Melissa and the doctor alone.
Phew. I know I just dropped a lot on you, but I'm doing it at a much quicker pace than the movie. Eventually, wildlife guy and Liv eat some wild berries, get high, and soon wildlife guy wants Liv to kill him, which she does. The brother kills Melissa, while the doctor kills himself, and Liv kills the brother and-
Fuck, we need a flowchart for this movie.
Make sense now?
Ok, so now it's just Teddy and he's crawling along until...he gets to the movie theater. A creepy guy comes out, tells him he's made it to the end and to go take a seat, his "picture" is about to begin. Then we get some ghosts sitting in the theater while Melissa's dead body flashes on the screen and Teddy freaks out and that's pretty much it.
I know I go on and on about slow paced movies where NOTHING happens for a stretch, but here it actually kinda worked. I will admit my biggest fear is getting lost in the woods and not only were they lost but fucking creepy old timey music started playing and the fact it wasn't explained why the town went down the path to begin with, if maybe this is exactly what happened to begin with, and just the fact people were calmly going crazy. This movie really isn't for everybody and I probably won't watch it again but I think considering the small amount of money they had, they came up with a good spooky story and made an interesting looking film.