Ice Cream Man

Ah..."Ice Cream Man". This is one of those movies that's nostalgic for me. Let me set the scene. It's summer 1997. I decide to spend the night at my friend Bill's house and as per usual, we rent a bunch of crappy horror movies at the video that was was literally a block away from his house. One of those movies was "Ice Cream Man".

Ever since I seen this movie, I wanted to present it to the world. I did what's probably the geekiest thing ever by doing my own version of "Mystery Science Theater 3000" and sold copies of that. I wanted to do "Ice Cream Man" on my version but never got around to it. Then I created Invasion of the B Movies and always had this movie in the back of my head to review some day. Now that we're in the home stretch of me closing up the site, I figured it was about time I got around to it.

And boy...is this movie a doozy.

First off, let's talk about the cast! It features the following people and I'm not making any of this up:
Clint Howard
David Naughton
Olivia Hussey
Jan Michael Vincent
Lee Majors 2 cause they needed a sequel apparently
David Warner
And motherfucking Doug Llewelyn!! I'm not fucking joking!

My brain can't handle this cast, man!

Anyway, the film starts in the '50s before color was invented (cause the scene is in black and white) and an ice cream man is making a stop outside a house when some laughable stereotypical gangsters show up and shoot him down. It's never explained why this happened so don't look at me for the answer. Anyway, a kid shows up, kinda unfazed by this and simply asks "Who's gonna deliver the ice cream now?"

Flash forward to, I guess, present day and that kid grew up to be Clint Howard. Clint, playing Gregory, is clearly not right in the head. He freaks out all the kids in line waiting for ice cream, and there's rats and roaches crawling around all over the ice cream. Eh, it's nothing I haven't seen before from working at McDonald's for ten years.

Anyway.

We meet our main group of kids cause you know this movie is gonna focus on a main group of kids. There's Johnny the typical bland kid with the bland name, Heather the only girl in the group, Tuna the "fat" kid, and Small Paul, a small kid.

I wanna talk about Tuna for a minute. The kid they hired to play him was clearly not fat but his character needed to be fat for a number of reasons that really didn't amount to anything out of some lame fat jokes. So their solution was to have the kid wear OBVIOUS PADDING UNDER HIS CLOTHES! But didn't do anything to his face, arms, or legs. Cause only fat people get fat in the stomach. Right...

Anyway, Johnny is left alone in the park and Gregory shows up, acting creepy towards Johnny. Next thing you know, it's discovered he's gone missing! LE GASP! And inside Gregory's freezer is blood! AND AN EYEBALL! Oh and Gregory puts an eyeball in one of the cops ice cream and the cop doesn't seem to notice! Eww!

Anyway, turns out Johnny isn't really dead. He just saw Gregory killing a random dude at the park and he got scared and hid out for 24 hours. Meanwhile we dive into the life of the other kids. David Warner is a priest who does weird hypnotism to Heather's mom (Never explained). David Naughton is Tuna's dad who is cheating on Tuna's mom with the town slut. I sense a bad moon rising here, let me tell you. Jan Michael Vincent and Lee Majors 2: Lee Majors Harder are the cops and Olivia Hussey is Gregory's crazy nurse. And despite this, she's still hot! Explain that!

So because this movie is told from the kids point of view, the kids know that Gregory is a crazy killer but none of the adults either notice or believe them. There's a hilarious scene where Tuna is running from Gregory in a grocery store, so he simply hides underneath tables and one point he hides underneath a cart. That would be fine if the cart was covered but it was open and EVERYBODY COULD SEE HIM UNDERNEATH THE CART! Including the lady pushing the cart! Why she didn't just stop and say "Uh...what are you doing fake fat kid?"

Anyway, the cops eventually believe Tuna because the script calls for it and they immediately get a warrant and go searching...his warehouse where he makes the ice cream! And this was a funny scene was it was literally just cops running around, knocking things over for no real reason and then shrugging their shoulders going "Eh, nothing here. Let's go!"

But Gregory apparently seen "Bad Ronald" and knows how to hide kids! Cause he has kidnapped Paul Wall!!

Er no. Small Paul. Apparently because Small Paul reminds Gregory of himself as a kid. Uh oh!

With Small Paul missing, the rest of the kids, who call themselves Rocketeers, decide to do something about this and rescue him! This involves following him and taking pictures of all the blood inside his truck. THE TRUCK! Why didn't cops check inside the truck?! Whatever.

Apparently the camera they used to take the pictures belongs to Johnny's older brother, who took some sex photos of him and his big nosed girlfriend. Nothing ever came of either sets of pictures. Then we get the weirdest scene and for this movie that's saying something.

The two cops decide to check out Gregory's past and find out he use to stay at an asylum called Wishing Well. The cops go there and try to talk to the doctor but he's distracted by a patient...then it's revealed that the doctor is really a patient...and all the crazy people have killed all the doctors! So the cops slowly, and I do mean slowly, walk out of the building. There wasn't even the feeling of them being threatened, they just kinda roamed around and at one point separated for some reason, then escaped. Alrighty then.

Things ramp up a bit when Gregory starts going crazy and kills pretty much everybody that insults him somehow. He kills David Naughton for calling his truck a hunk of junk, then he kills the slutty chick for...being slutty? I guess? But then we get this wonderful image:

I love this movie. As much crap as it gives to me, I love it. I guess this is like an abusive relationship. BUT I LOVE IT SO MUCH NO MATTER HOW MUCH IT BEATS ME!!!

The kids have had enough and decide it's time to fight back! Gregory accepts this challenge and manages to grab Tuna while riding his bike and lock him in a freezer. Johnny and Heather follow him back to the warehouse where they are chased by Gregory. Eventually, Small Paul has had enough of playing Bad Ronald and remembers something in saw in a "Friday the 13th" film and uses a picture of the old dead Ice Cream Guy from the '50s to lure Gregory away from the kids and into a giant mixer, where he's chopped up into a million pieces. Yum.

Later, when it's fall, Tuna lost weight (AKA the kid took off the padding) and reveals that Paul is now in therapy, where surely he's gonna be the NEXT Ice Cream Man!! MUHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!!

This movie sounds terrible and yes it is fucking terrible but it's oh so much fun at the same time. It's fun to see Clint Howard in a lead role, even if it's a creepy serial killer with a gravelly voice. All the random B-Z list celebrities in this movie is a hoot, and it's just some good dumb fun. And it's pretty safe for kids, honestly. There's SOME blood but if you know kids who are into gory shit, this is probably the film for him. And you ALMOST see boobies so there ya go. Perfect movie for kids.



-Jason

Silent Night

I found out through some friends of mine that there was a remake of one of my favorite horror films "Silent Night Deadly Night". I wasn't even aware such a thing happened so I immediately seeked it out to see for myself what that would be like. And let me just say this: this is as much of a remake of "Silent Night Deadly Night" as the 2004 version of "Dawn of the Dead" is a remake of the 1978 version. Both take place in a mall but that's about where the simularities end.

Same for here. Both movies is about a guy dressed up as Santa Claus killing naughty people and that's about it. Gone is the whole parents getting killed by a rapist Santa, gone is the evil bitch of a nun, gone is the whole montage of our main character working in a toy store.

So what DO we get?

The film opens up with our Killer Klaus putting his suit on, along with a creepy Santa mask. Nearby he's got a chick tied up and a dude tied up with Christmas lights in the basement. Klaus goes into the basement and electrocutes the dude.

Then we meet Aubrey, a deputy in this small town in Wisconsin. Aubrey is dealing with the death of her husband (not related to the plot) and wants the day off. But I guess the guy we saw get electrocuted was another deputy who was suppose to work for her so he's not coming in. Sheriff Malcolm McDowell is a royal dick in this movie and makes Aubrey work.

Aubrey is getting ready for work by doing a crossword puzzle and she can't figure out a 9 letter word for a six-sided object. Hmmm....surely this is going to important later on in the movie because she brings it up THREE OTHER TIMES! OOH!! Maybe whatever the answer is it'll be used as a weapon to kill Killer Klaus! I can't wait!!

Anyway, Aubrey goes into work and soon starts getting calls about a disturbing Santa! But it's not our Killer Klaus! This disturbed Santa is played by Donal Logue! And he seems to hate Christmas! And he tells all the kids just as much! So Santa Donal meets with Aubrey, who isn't very impressed with him and he doesn't give a fuck!

Meanwhile we meet a shit ton of people who you know are going to get killed like a slutty chick named Tiffany, the pervist priest I've ever seen, and oh my fucking god the MOST over the top bratty kid I've ever seen in any movie ever. She knocks heart pills out of her mother's hands and goes "YOU FUCKING BITCH TAKE ME TO THE FUCKING MALL RIGHT NOW!!" And this girl is suppose to be like 10 or something. Holy fuck this girl was awesome! Too bad Killer Klaus shows up and cattle prods the fuck out of her.

The best kill is probably the porn shoot. A guy is taking pics of a naked chick and Killer Klaus shows up, killing the photographer and his assistant. The naked chick manages to escape and is running around outside, topless. Ugh, naked in Wisconsin on Christmas Eve. Surprised her nipples didn't manage to bust through a door or something.

Anyway, the naked chick is running around when she comes across a woodchipper. Now, I'm sure you've seen "Fargo" so you can imagine where this goes but this scene is really brutal and kinda fucking awesome at the same time, I won't lie. You need to see this movie JUST for the woodchipper scene.

All the calls about all the murders are coming into the police station. Aubrey finds the first victims in a house and gets Sheriff Malcolm McDowell involved and like I said earlier, he acts like a royal dickhead the entire time. They eventually figure out that a guy dressed like Santa is doing all the killings. What cliches this theory is when they find the videotape from the porn shoot and see him.

Problem? The town is overrun by Santa's because of a Santa Contest happening later that night! UH OH!

So back to that 9 letter word for six sided object? You know what it ends up being? SNOWFLAKE! So...yeah that was anti-climatic.

Sheriff McDowell thinks it's Santa Donal and arrests him. And this was a great scene cause Donal just went off and gave a two minute monologue about why Christmas sucks. It was great. So eventually, Aubrey figures out that they got the wrong guy and that the real Killer Klaus is after her dad!!!

Wait, what?

It's explained later but pretty much our current Killer Klaus had a father who went nuts on Christmas Eve and Aubrey's dad killed him, so now our current Killer Klaus wants revenge. But before that, we get a couple of tributes to the original film when some punk rocker visits his catatonic grandfather in a hospital and the grandfather tells him to watch out for Santa Claus! Then the slutty chick Tiffany is about to give a blow job to the punk rocker when our Killer shows up and kills her in the same fashion as Linnea Quigley in the original. Aw but Linnea Quigley was nice enough to show her tits!

The Killer Klaus also kills the pervy priest, right in front of an old lady. And for some reason he kills the Mayor, even though he didn't do anything wrong. So now that half the town is dead, it's time for the showdown of the century! Aubrey vs Killer Klaus!!

Killer Klaus kills Sheriff McDowell and Santa Donal and squares off agains Aubrey, who is pissed that Killer Klaus killed her father. They fight for a bit until she grabs his flame thrower and lights the fucker on fire!! OOH!!! But this doesn't kill him, just maims him. And that's it. The end!

Like I said, this isn't really a remake of the original. It's just a movie about a killer Santa with two scenes similar to the original and a tribute to the second film (What is this, garbage day?) and I think the movie could've been a bit more campy and humorous considering the source material. But if you ignore all of that and take it at face value, it's a very entertaining film and probably one of the best horror movies out there lately. If only ALL remakes were like this.

MERRY CHRISTMAS!



-Jason

2012

So today is the day the world is suppose to end. I don't know if I should bother writing this review since no one will be able to read it. I could print it out and then arrange a time at a public place to read this review. Let's say...top of the Sears Tower at 2 PM Central Time! Deal? Deal!

HELLO FELLOW PEOPLE WHO HAVE SURVIVED THE END OF THE WORLD WITH ME! How's it hanging? You get here ok? I bet you WISH you had Apple Maps now, huh? Anyway, we are gathered here today at my new living quarters, which I will rename The Soto Tower to hear one of the last few reviews I will ever write! This, my servants friends, is the review of the documentary "2012" and how the world has ended.

This documentary stars a man named John Cusack, who is indeed a popular man. He has time traveled, been a emo poet, and owned a record shop, just to name a few of his previous journeys. And apparently his contract states he must get soaking wet in EVERY movie he ever does. Before meeting John, we meet some scientist guys all the way in 2009 who discovered the Earth's crust is starting to melt away into nothingness. One of the scientists, Adrian, realizes they have three years to do something about that.

Adrian tells Oliver Platt about this and Oliver Platt suddenly sees dollar signs and decides to design what he calls "arks" and charge $1 billion (in Euros for some weird reason....why the fuck in Euros? I never understood this...) to reserve a spot in this "ark". Meanwhile some Chinese people are selected to build the ark.

Now, my friends, we are in present day, 2012. In fact, if I remember correct, at this point in the film it was just a few days ago and we meet John Cusack, who apparently was also a failed writer. He now drives limos, is divorced because he thought it was a good idea to marry Amanda Peet (has he not seen the classic documentary "Saving Silverman"? If he did, he would learn how big of a bitch she is), and he is late to picking up his two kids.

The two kids have grown more attached to their new step-father Gordon because...he's not a failed writer? Because he's a plastic surgeon? Yeah, that's a positive role model.

"My dad writes books that makes people think and question their morality and gives them positive attitudes? Fuck that! THIS GUY GIVES FAKE BOOBIES TO SLUTS!!!! WOO!!!!"

Anyway, John Cusack picks up his kids and they drive to Yellowstone National Park to meet Yogi Bear, Boo Boo, and Woody Harrelson. Woody, who smoked too much hemp, loves pickles and talks on a Ham Radio about the end of the world. John listened to this and laughed it off...until he discovered a lake has dried up and a bunch of military guys have taken it over.

Adrian is leading these military guys and he happens to be a HUGE fan of John Cusack! After signing autographs on DVD's of "Better Off Dead" and "One Crazy Summer", Adrian lets him leave. After this encounter, John decides to listen to what Woody has to say about the world ending. Since we here have survived what happened, I won't go into extreme-

Oh, you're not sure what happened? Ok, I'll explain quickly. Then get back to carving my throne out of this gold I got from Fort Knox.

So there was this enlignment of all the planets that happens every 64,000 years and this enlignment, along with other stuff that I'm too tired to remember right now will cause the Earth to freak out and cause total destruction. That's why I chose The Soto Tower to live and have this meeting because it's the only place NOT covered in lava.

Anyway, John laughed this off and went back home with his kids. Meanwhile the Earth was like "Laugh at me, huh?! I'll make Amanda Peet jiggle!" And lo' it did. The kids are back home and John is late picking up some rich Russians. The government got word that the end of the world is happening NOW GOD DAMMIT NOW and placed the call for all people who bought their way onto arks to start boarding. This includes this Russian family.

Some other things to mention: Danny Glover is president and Thandie Newton is his daughter. And you know Thandie and Adrian are gonna hook up at some point. Even if he is the last man on Earth. BOOM! Nailed it.

(At this point, all my followers should be laughing at this obviously hilarious joke.)

John finds out the Russians are heading to the ark and remembering what Woody said earlier, he realizes maybe it wasn't the hemp talking. Soon, a giant Earthquake hits California and John moves into action! He drives a limo like it's a fucking souped up sports cars to Amanda Peet's house, picks up his family and Gordon, and does a "Vanishing Point" to the airport, where a plane is waiting.

The pilot John hired died in the Earthquake so he makes Gordon fly cause breast implants is sort of the same like flying if you squint your eyes and think about it. And despite Gordon saying he only flew once, he flies like he played a flight simulator on a hand held gaming device and there are MOTHERFUCKING SNAKES ON THIS MOTHERFUCKING PLANE!!

Anyway, they fly to Yellowstone, which apparently has an airfield, and John finds Woody, totally high off his ass. The Earthquake hits Yellowstone, John finds a map where all the arks are being built and after a twenty minute action sequence where John JUMPS A FUCKING RV LIKE A SOUPED UP RACE CAR OVER A FUCKING CANYON, they fly away.

Where do they fly? VEGAS BABY!!

There, they meet up with the Russians who agree to take John and his family if they let Gordon co-pilot this plane the Russians have. Where are they going? CHINA BABY!!

Meanwhile Oliver Platt acts like a douche but at the same time you kinda see his point in things. The movie tries WAY to hard to make him a villain by insisting all the people chosen for the ark are smart good looking people....who just happen to be rich.

Ok, let's be real for a minute. Who do you think the government picked to save when the end of the world happened earlier today? The smart good looking people...who happen to be rich. That's why we're all here. For every rich nation there has to be the lower class citizens. I mean look at history. Just look at it. Why should the end of the world be any different than all of history?

Plus, Oliver Platt mentioned that the money given to them to buy a way onto the ark was used...to build the ark! That makes sense!! If someone told me "hey Jason there's going to be NICE house you can live in...but you have to give me a million dollars so we can build it for you" I would be like "Here's an extra million I looted from the bank earlier today. BUILD IT SLAVE!!"

What are you waiting for? I mean....

On this Russian plane is a bunch of 2013 cars that the Russian had made only for him. Show off. I now OWN the tallest building in Chicago....or what USE to be the tallest building...in what use to be Chicago...Anyway.

There's several touching moments where John wants to get back with Amanda Peet and try to win his kids love back but until John puts silicone into Kim Kardashian's boobs, they'll just stick their middle fingers at him.

Update: President Danny Glover died while saving regular people. Adrian, Thandie Newton, and Oliver Platt are now arriving at the arks. Adrian is pissed off that there's no "regular" people on this ark and he hates his room. Whatever, dude. I have a whole tower.

Now I know how Nick Jobe feels.

The Russians fly to China but their engines shut down because why not? They crash land but during a weird sequence involving one of the cars everyone but the Russian pilot survives. This grabs the attention of some Chinese military who only take the Russian dude and his kids. He leaves behind his Russian skank because she cheated on him with the pilot.

Anyone here Russian? I could go for a Russian skank right now? No? Hm.

Anyway, the rest roam around China for a bit until they come across a Tibetan monk and his grandparents. Apparently the monk's brother helped build the arks and they're gonna sneak on. John and Amanda begs them to tag along, then begs the brother to let them on. Of course they get on the ark, it's John Cusack and Amanda Peet! AND A PLASTIC SURGEON!! OMG!!!

This movie was already 89 million hours long and they just extended the running time by inventing a problem to drag out the last 20 minutes. While sneaking on the ark, the monk's brother causes something to fall into a gear, which jams a door, which causes the ark's engine not to turn on. Adrian gives his own version of the "THIS IS OUR...INDEPENDENCE DAY!" speech and convinces the other arks to let regular people on the arks ALONG with the rich good looking smart people.

Oh shit..we totally could've been on those boats. FUCK!

Oh well, Soto Tower it is!

So the door won't close, water is rushing in, and of course it's up to John Cusack to save the day. They manage to fix the jam and save what's left of humanity. A month later, they're able to walk outside for the first time and find out the only country that survived this whole thing? Africa. I...don't know what this means. I'm sure it's suppose to be symbolic or something. OH! And the Russian family re-introduce Communism by telling the other kids "what's ours is yours too!" I know this COULD be called "sharing" but....c'mon! That's too much of a coincidence, don't ya think?!

Anyway, the world is fucked and this long ass movie finally comes to a closed. I know people seem to give Roland Emmerich shit for making these kind of movies but you have to admit, they are dumb fun. I don't watch these movies to think or look for Oscar worthy performances. I KNOW the London Olympics don't happen in December but just shut up, ok?! I just want to be entertained for awhile. Is that so wrong? Sure, this movie is LOADED with problems and is pretty stupid. But it's a fun ride and it's great to look at.

So anyway, now that the world has ended and I am now your new king, what say you all make me dinner? I'm hungry for...pizza! Give me the finest pizza! CHOP CHOP!!



-King Jason Soto,
New Ruler of The World

Godzilla vs Mecha-Godzilla

This is the second Godzilla film I've covered. The first being "King Kong vs Godzilla". I'm not a huge fan of the giant monster from Japan movies. I don't have a problem with them, they're just not my cup of tea. But if I had to pick a favorite monster, I would go with Godzilla. Godzilla movies (at least the small handful I seen) are a bit different than say a Gamera film. First off, not as many annoying kids. Yeah, some films do have annoying kids, but not all of them. But then Gamera is a "friend to all children" so I guess you'd have to load your film with young kids.

"Godzilla vs MechaGodzilla" I've now seen four times and each time is better than the last. My favorite viewing of it had to be at B-Fest in 2008. Whenever you get to watch a movie with a group of rowdy B-Movie fans, especially sleep deprived ones, it's always a good time.

So we start with a girl, Nami, doing some dance in front of some tourists. Nami suddenly stops, has a vision of some previous Godzilla films (I wanna say it was Ghidorah but don't quote me on that), then passes out. When she wakes up, she says some monsters are going to attack. Well, no shit. You live in Japan. Monsters attack every other week.

Meanwhile, Masahika (I'm calling him Masa for short) goes exploring in some caves and he finds some weird metal thing on the ground. It is rather shiny so I could understand how someone would be distracted by it. Meanwhile, Saeko shows up at the cave, taking pictures of everything. Written on the walls are some crude drawings that Saeko translate. Something about two suns, black mountains, and some monsters. Again with the monsters. Also in this cave is a small statue of King Caesar, some god worshiped by the Azumis, an ancient tribe. Also Nami is a decedent of this tribe.

Saeko takes the statue to her lab and of course she's all alone in this lab, so not one but two guys sneak behind her and watch her work on this statue. I guess both guys freaked each other out so they don't attack her right then and there.

Soon, she's on an airplane and she meets Shimizu (Shim for short) and they seem to hit it off, so quickly that they immediately talk about the statue and the Azumis prophecy about the monsters and shit. Meanwhile, one of the sneaky guys from earlier is now on the plane. He looks like a Japanese Johnny Cash, with the black coat and cool sunglasses. You never really learn what his deal is until the end of the movie. But his coolness is no match for what's happening outside the plane: a giant floating black mountain! GASP! IT'S 2012!!!!!! Oh wait...

Shim was one of the tourist at the beginning when Nami has her stupid vision and the way he flashbacks about this? Showing the same scene in multiple boxes on the screen. What, does he have the memory of a fly or some shit? The fuck.

Anyway.

Turns out Shim and Saeko are heading to the same place, Professor Miyajima (Miya). He's Shim's uncle. And Masa is Shim's brother. Or something. I don't wanna be accused of being racist by saying everyone in Japan is related to each other. Any event, they're studying the statue when one of the creepy guys from earlier breaks in with a gun, demanding the statue.

Shim gets the jump on him and a struggle ensues. I'll make a note here that the Professor did NOTHING during the struggle, even when the creepy guy, now gunless, was putting a pillow over Shim's face and almost suffocated him. I swear at B-Fest, we shouted "DO SOMETHING, ASSHOLE!" throughout that entire scene. Eventually, Shim overpowers creepy guy and he runs away, without the statue. NO THANKS TO THE PROFESSOR!! No wonder he's referred to as "and the rest".

So Nami's grandfather is hilarious in this movie. Anytime he's comes on screen, he's just stumbling around, screaming, looking like he's spazzing out over nothing. Here, he's freaking out about the statue being missing and him needed it to make King Caesar arise in case the prophecy does come true.

Meanwhile, Godzilla shows up. Just like that. He shows up and starts attacking Japan. He knocks building over, and he's just a major asshole all of a sudden. Everyone is confused by this and think he's just stoned or something. I call it the "Charlie Sheen Effect". (That's right, I'm keeping this review current!)

At one point one of Godzilla's friends Anguirus shows up. After admitting I don't watch many Godzilla films, I'm gonna come out and say I'm not familiar with Anguirus. I know he's mentioned on the back of the DVD case, and Shim thinks it's odd that Godzilla is attacking him. Well, Godzilla and Anguirus fight for a few minutes, with Godzilla kicking his fucking ass. Anguirus gets all emo-y, runs back home, and puts on The Smith's "How Soon Is Now" to get over the pain.

So Godzilla spends most of the day just stomping on Japan. If I was a Japanese person and this happened every other week, I would've just moved by now. Eventually, ANOTHER Godzilla shows up! WHA????? Yeah, people are confused but things become clear when the new Godzilla starts kicking some ass and it's revealed the first Godzilla....is a Cyborg!

To prove this, we go to a scene of some guys who are aliens, living in a swank underground bachelor pad. I kept expecting Quagmire to be sitting in the corner. Giggity. Anyway, the head alien, who has some burn mark around his left eye so I called him Left Eye, is proud of his MechaGodzilla. Oh so here's something I wanna talk about.

When Godzilla reveals the robot Godzilla, the "and the rest" is like "Oh of course. He's a robot. A MechaGodzilla if you will", but it turns out the aliens ACTUALLY named him MechaGodzilla! WOW! Good guess Professor! Anyway, just a quick aside. MechaGodzilla and Godzilla are fighting and MechaGodzilla is somewhat winning. Godzilla gets one good lick in, which damages MechaGodzilla. Left Eye calls MechaGodzilla back home while Godzilla goes off to lick his wounds.

The Professor notices a silver brick and realizes it came from MechaGodzilla. So I guess did shit bricks when the real Godzilla showed up. This looks like the piece of metal Masa found and the major conclusion: SPACEMEN!! While talking about this, Shim notices the Professors pipe. Yes, I want to talk about this.

The DVD I was watching puts as default the original Japanese dialogue with English subtitles. I set it up so the dialogue was in English along with the subtitles and not only did I get the following awesome lines of dialogue:

The Professor is like "well I made this pipe out of-" some long metal name. But hilariously, the person typing the subtitles didn't know what the fuck he was saying so he did the following:

God I fucking love this DVD. Oh, and the pipe is able to take out electrical equipment. Hmm...that WON'T be important later on.

Moving on, MechaGodzilla is damaged so Left Eye wants it repaired. The only person, and I mean THE ONLY PERSON who can fix it: The Professor. AH! Maybe The Professor is an alien and that's how he knew MechaGodzilla's name!!

The Professor wants to check out the cave Masa found the first piece of metal. Shim and Saeko meanwhile take a Carnival Cruise. Why? I don't know. But they have the King Caesar statue. I guess they're gonna return the statue to Nami and her hilarious grandfather? I dunno. But on the boat is Japanese Johnny Cash and the creepy robber!

The creepy robber breaks into Saeko's room, looking for the statue. Pfft, like she'll keep that in her bright plaid suitcase, covered by a sweater! Only a moron would-oh, that's exactly what she did. Hm. I think the Japanese don't like women a whole lot.

Meanwhile, Godzilla is somewhere and it's raining. Man, even Godzilla can't get away from the cliche of having it rain on you while you're upset or down. Anyway, he's standing and soon he's struck by several bolts of lighting. Just like all things made in Japan, he needs to be recharged before using.

The creepy robber sneaks away with the statue but Shim finds him and fights him again. Shim shoots the guy and something shocking happens. The robber....turns into a Ape from Planet of the Apes!! I have no idea why this happens!! But he does! Shim is shocked by this, while the robber ape runs away with the statue.

Shim chases the ape, who in true ape fashion, flings stuff at him. Finally, the ape corners Shim and is about to kill him when a gun comes out of nowhere, kills the ape and he falls overboard with the statue. Saeko wakes up and learns her brilliant plan of hiding the statue didn't work.

But none of that is important because Shim hid the REAL statue in the captain's safe! HAHAHA!! So what was the point of chasing the robber ape? Especially after turning into an ape? Whatever, they've landed on the island of Azumis I'm assuming.

Back at the cave, the professor, Masa, and Ikako, the professors daughter (maybe Masa's sister?) are rooting around when the aliens find them. They take them to Left Eye and he tells the professor he has to fix MechaGodzilla or else!! I love that Left Eye has the balls to ask an Earthling to help him fix a monster that's going to be used to take over Earth. Granted, he's threatening him but still. Monster sized balls on this guy.

By the way, this is the huge downtime where Godzilla isn't seen again until the climax of the movie.

The Professor fixes MechaGodzilla and wants Left Eye to let them of. Of course he'll let them go...go to DEATH!!! Left Eye shoves the Professor into the same room as Ikako and Masa and soon the sauna room from Hell is turned on.

Shim and Saeko learn the Professor is missing so Shim goes to the caves to look for them while Saeko does girly things. At the caves, some aliens find Shim and before they can kill him, Japanese Johnny Cash shows up and kills one alien and disarms the other. He reveals himself to be an Interpol agent and that he's gotten wind of this whole alien thing for awhile. When Shim and his gang inserted themselves into this whole mess, he's been following them. So...where was HE when creepy ape guy attacked earlier?

Agent Japanese Johnny Cash makes the surviving alien take them to their headquarters. He sneaks them in and soon they start kicking ass. They find The Professor and the other two sweating to death in the room and let them out. They leave the headquarters and go to Shim's car, but the Agent notices something's wrong and realizes the car is set to explode. Damn.

The Professor wants to go back and stop MechaGodzilla cause he's feeling guilty. Masa and the Agent go with him, while Shim and the two girls go to Nami and her Grandfather to get King Caesar to wake up. Shim and the girls (Shim and the Girls first album King Caesar coming this Spring) arrive and place the statue on an altar but King Caesar is still passed out. Nami knows what she must do: SING! The Grandfather explains that only a direct descendant of the Azumis can wake King Caesar. So she's basically an alarm clock. Too bad he didn't press snooze.

Ok, seriously, the song wasn't bad. It sounded like a Frank Sinatra song. I don't know where the jazz combo band was at but it was a nice touch. Meanwhile, The Professor and his team is too late to stop MechaGodzilla cause he left the headquarters to go fight King Caesar. So they go to the main room where Left Eye is but they get themselves caught like idiots. Maybe think before you rush into a room next time guys?

So MechaGodzilla shows up. King Caesar is like "OK OK OK I'M UP! STOP SINGING!!" and wakes up and immediately does battle with MechaGodzilla. While watching the fight, the Agent reveals his ring can transform into a lock pick. Don't ask how that's possible. Meanwhile the Professor unscrews his handy pipe.

The battle royale starts when Godzilla returns and gets in on the action. MechaGodzilla is kicking both their asses. Godzilla says "I've had enough of this shit" and reveals to have magnetic powers. Ok, to anybody who follows Godzilla a lot more closely than I do, I gotta ask: is this something he always could do? If so, when did that start? Granted, this is probably the first time his foe is made of metal, but still.

Anyway, he magnetizes MechaGodzilla and when he gets close enough, Godzilla holds him while King Caesar punches him in the stomach. If you're a geek like me, you know this move cause you were often in MechaGodzilla's spot. Oh college...

The Agent gets loose, he grabs the Professor's pipe and it breaks MechaGodzilla's controls. The agent manages to kill all the aliens and they run out of the headquarters. With no one controlling him, Godzilla fucking destroys MechaGodzilla until he explodes.

King Caesar high fives Godzilla and goes back to sleep. Godzilla goes back into the ocean until he's needed again in two weeks. Everybody reunites, Nami puts the statue away until they need it in a future sequel and everything has a happy ending. Except Tokyo, which needs to be rebuilt again.

It's stupid as shit but fuck, I love this movie, especially the DVD. I can't recommend this movie high enough. I'm sure someone is going to tell me there are better Godzilla films, but until I come across it, this will forever be my favorite one. You know, there's only one word I can use to describe this movie and that word is ????




-Jason

Old School Summer: Intruder

Status: Own

Like I've said in the past, sometimes I don't find movies but movies find me. While cruising around Amazon looking up special deals, I came across "Intruders" and the description just sounded so damn appealing to me I had to buy it. And once I tell you more about it, you'll be like "Yes Jason, I see why you did that."

First off, it stars Sam Raimi. Well, not "star", but he's in it. And Ted Raimi is in it too. For some reason where ever Sam goes, Ted goes. It's produced and storied by Lawrence Bender, who if that name sounds familiar, it's because he helped produce "Pulp Fiction" "Reservoir Dogs" and "From Dusk Till Dawn". And why is Sam Raimi here? Well I'm sure that's an interesting story...

Anyway, the movie all takes place in a grocery store. It's closing time, where indeed every new beginning comes from some other begin's end. Yeah. Cashier Jennifer is checking out a friendly old man, who upon his leaving he says "hold hands you lovebirds" and my inner "Pulp Fiction" nerd peaked. Turns out this old man is played by the same guy who said the same thing in a Three Stooges short that was shown in "Pulp Fiction"! WOW! That's like meta levels of geekiness there!

So after the old man leaves, an old boyfriend of Jennifer named Craig shows up and he looks like the keyboard player from Tears for Fears. Craig is all super violent and scares Jennifer, so the entire store comes to her rescue and it's a great rescue cause it just involves each person taking turns punching the guy. After five minutes of abuse, they decide to finally throw him out. Then they go "GLAD we don't have to worry about THAT guy again!" and go back to work.

The store closes and we meet some of the characters, including both Sam and Ted Raimi. We learn the owners of the grocery store have sold the store to the city and it'll be closing up in a week. The second owner Danny doesn't seem too happy about the closing but he signs the contract anyway.

So one interesting thing about this movie is the interesting point of view shots. We get weird camera angles from doorknobs, the floor, a bucket of water, and even a telephone. It's all very strange.

Craig calls Jennifer in the store a few times, then starts messing around outside. Soon inside, people start dying. And what happens for the next 20 minutes is just scene after scene of people getting killed in various ways in a grocery store. These include:

-Sam Raimi getting a meathook in his eye.
-Ted Raimi getting stabbed in the head repeatedly.
-The other boss getting his head shoved on those poky "message" things they have on desks.
-A guy's head getting cut in half by a meat slicer
-And probably my favorite death: a guy getting killed by a baler.

DUDE! They sell Beer beer! I love that brand of beer!

At my job, we use a baler (it's a machine that compacts cardboard boxes in case you're not familiar) and I've always wanted to see a horror movie kill somebody using a baler. I thought I had to write that movie but turns out I don't have too! In a way, I'm a bit disappointed.

Anyway, the last person left is Jennifer and we're suppose to think Craig is doing all the murders. But guess what? SPOILER ALERT! It's actually Danny! He got pissed that the store was being sold and killed the other owner but then he got carried away. That's what he says in the movie, he got carried away! So now he must kill Jennifer and the rest of the movie is just her running from him while he acts all crazy.

I love the ending though. So Danny wants to pin the murders on Craig, but he ends up saving Jennifer and attacking Danny outside. Jennifer managed to call the police and after Craig killed Danny, the cops show up. So we think naturally that the cops are gonna think Craig is the killer but NOPE! This movie pulls no punches. They think Craig AND Jennifer killed everybody. She even tries to tell the cops she's the one who reported it but the cops keep saying SHUT UP! Oh and I should mention one of the cops is Bruce Campbell! So now if I ever run into Bruce Campbell, I can blow him away and ask "So what was 'Intruder' like?" and he'll probably take me out for a Beer beer. Ah, Beer beer.

And that's the end. Jennifer is framed for the murders along with Craig. Of course knowing the legal system like I know it, they probably really won't try her for the murders. Y'know finger prints and foot prints and all that jazz. But let's not over think it, shall we?

This movie was a lot of fun. The kills are great to watch, it's oddly darkly funny in parts, and it's great seeing the guy behind some of the greatest movies of our time act in a slasher flick. Plus it was a good nostalgic trip to see all the old cereal brands in the movie. That was a lot of fun too. I remember when grocery stores looked like the one in this movie. So if you can find this movie, check it out!

-Jason