Wednesday, December 31, 2008

A Non-Typical Look Back on 2008

I'm sure my fellow LAMBer's are working on, or have already posted, entries on their own Best of 2008 in terms of films and whatnot. I would do that too but since everyone else is doing it why should I? I like to be different, as you can tell. And besides Master Fletch had us pick our top ten films for 2008 already, which should be posted soon on the LAMB. When that's posted I'll be sure to let you know, whoever "you" are.

So what I'll do instead is talk about myself, cause I'm a self centered asshole.

Personally, 2008 was probably the most exciting year I've ever had. Not only did I get to see such great movies as "The Dark Knight" and "Iron Man", and argue with friends about the greatness of other movies such as "Hancock" or "Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull" (God in a wooden box and a dude pulling out a heart is ok but a lead fridge is too far out, man!), but I got a huge change in my life.

As you no doubt remember, at the end of August I moved from Northwest Indiana to Indianapolis and I was without internet for almost a month. For that month I was so out of touch on what was going on that I was starting to turn Amish. So much so that I grew a beard.

I eventually got back into the swing of things and reviewed my first five-star movie "Basket Case". God I love that damn movie. In fact I'm probably gonna watch it again tonight.

And I got to try out new things in 2008. Such as April's "30 Days of Horror" where every day in April I watched a horror movie. It didn't exactly work out in my favor due to family issues but overall it was a success. Will I be doing it again? I dunno, my work schedule is all messed up now so we'll see.

In January I got to drag my lovely fiancee to B-Fest, a yearly gathering of B-movie nerds and geeks alike. We were sorta locked in a theater for 24 hours watching nothing but bad movies. It was my second time (my first was back in 2004) so I knew what to expect. Felicia said she had fun but we'll see when B-Fest '09 rolls around.

I also got to make some new blogger friends through the LAMB and partake in several exciting events such as "Sirens of the LAMBs" in which I won! (Yay) And I had to write an Oscar report, which I did so talking about the evil of Michael Bay. Apparently I wasn't suppose to do that and suppose to talk about the award itself but that seemed too boring. And plus Fletch liked it, so whatever haterz! Pwnd!

In the Mass Invasion front, we had 3. Battlefield Earth, Showgirls, and Dolemite. I can't speak for everyone but I enjoy doing these Mass Invasions so more will be coming in 2009.

I landed my first interview, sort of, with an actual film maker, sort of. When I got an email from the director of "Fear of Clowns" I thought for sure I was dead. But he turned out to be a real cool guy, that is until he forced me to watch the sequel. Well played, Mr. Kangas. Well played.

And in 2008 I got to be a teenager again when I watched four, count 'em, FOUR horrible films aimed for the tween generation. I will possibly never be the same again.

And remember the Guilty Pleasures Blog-A-Thon? Hells yes I will be doing that again.

And finally, I made my first solo short film entitled "Birthday Present". I was making it during April's "30 Days of Horror" so you know April was an exhausting month for me.

Well that's some of cool things I've done this year. What does 2009 hold? I guess nobody knows. So let's just find out together, shall we?
-Jason

PS: New weekly event will be announced tomorrow. Stay tuned!

Friday, December 26, 2008

The Ghosts of Christmas Past and Shoulda-Beens

I planned on writing a bunch of Christmas related posts/reviews in December, but thanks to my stupid work schedule (Thanks for the seven day week, boss lady) I hadn't had the time nor energy to do so. I can tell you what they were gonna be and you can use your imagination as to what the reviews/posts would've been like.

I was gonna review Jack Frost 2: Revenge of the Mutant Killer Snowman, the follow up to "Jack Frost" which was reviewed two years ago. I can only imagine what the sequel is like.

Then I was gonna compare both versions of "Black Christmas", having seen the remake a year ago in theaters (yeah there wasn't a lot of other choices to see then). I wrote a Probe about it sometime after seeing it but I wanted to see the original for my "Compare/Contrast" project. Maybe next year.

What I WILL talk about however is a special episode of Sesame Street called "Elmo Saves Christmas". I only mention it cause we sell it at work for some strange reason and every time I see it, I think about it more and more and remember how odd the whole thing was.

The basic gist of it is Elmo is really into Christmas and loves it so much that he wishes on some star or something that it could be Christmas every day. Then some magical reindeer shows up and not only grants Elmo's wish but takes him into the future to show what it'd be like if Christmas was every day.

They basically go through all the season, first stop in early Spring. Everyone's sorta still glad it's Christmas, but Big Bird misses Snuffy cause he's visiting his mom in Snuffy-land or something and the carolers look a bit tired.

Then it's Summer, which Elmo looked forward to cause he always wanted to celebrate Christmas in Summer. I dunno I think Egg Nog after it's been in the hot summer sun wouldn't taste as good. The effect of Christmas is running down on everyone and they're THIS close to become athiests.

It's off to Fall and...not a whole lot different than the Summer visit. The carolers look like they wanna drop dead, Big Bird has a nest full of unopened presents but the only thing he wants is Snuffy and everyone looks like they wanna kill themselves.

Finally it's back to winter when Christmas is suppose to be celebrated but at this point everyone's tired of it and wishes it never existed and when it's discovered Elmo wished for it to be everyday, there's seriously a witch hunt after Elmo. I wonder what would've happened if they caught him? Hang him from a tree? Feed him to Barkly? (You know Barkly. That giant dog. Yeah!)

Elmo regrets his wish and the magical reindeer undoes everything so now it's only once a year and everyone is happy again. Yay!

But holy Jesus is this thing depressing as hell. The couple that runs the shop (I forget their names it's been awhile) have gone bankrupt from keeping the store closed all year long and Big Bird was about to kill himself I think. Oscar was probably the happiest thing in the whole damn special. This whole thing reminds me of a line said on MST3K when they watched the short "A Case of Spring Fever": "So one clod says one thing and the entire world has to suffer?"

There are probably way better christmas specials than "Elmo Saves Christmas", which is a lie cause he didn't save shit, he kinda ruined it for everyone. I guess in the end he did? But it's kind of a hollow ending so it shouldn't count. Then again I guess "Elmo Fucks Up Christmas" isn't very child friendly, is it?
-Jason

PS: I can link you to the other Christmas related reviews I've done.
Santa Claus Mass Invasion
Santa's Slay
Santa and the Ice Cream Bunny
Elves

Thursday, December 25, 2008

Merry Christmas, Guys (And Gals)

I doubt anyone will be reading this today (25th) but just in case, I hope you and your family have a swell Christmas. Let me know if you got anything interesting!



Ho Ho Ho!
-Jason

Wednesday, December 17, 2008

You're Being Parodied, Charlie Brown

Much like everyone else, I like the Charlie Brown Christmas Special, even if it is a tad bit depressing. So naturally I looked it up on Youtube and found all these interesting parodies. I'll just post my favorite ones.

Linus sings The Police "Everything She Does Is Magic":


A Charlie Brown Kwanzaa (might be offensive to some people. I would say Not Safe For Work, but I doubt anyone checks my blog while at work. I can't imagine anyone in their office or cubicle going "OH! I must see what stupidity Jason has for us today and I can't wait to get home!")


Here's something from the real thing, Linus explaining the true meaning of Christmas, and the heartfelt ending:





Finally, I literally have the Charlie Brown tree:

-Jason

Monday, December 15, 2008

My Favorite Holiday Scenes

So there's a Lamb Blog a thing thong something or another going on. I'm waiting for a video I made to get finished so I thought I'll go ahead and put mine in. I put "scenes" cause I picked two: one from a good movie, and one from a "b-movie". I didn't wanna say bad cause it's not really bad. It's actually one of my favorite Christmas movies but we'll get to that.

The Good: National Lampoon's Christmas Vacation

This will probably be picked by a few other people (or at least it should) but damn it all to heck I love the scene in "Christmas Vacation" when it's Christmas Eve and Clark Griswald (Chevy Chase) is very slowly going crazy cause of all the, er, craziness going on around him. His parents constantly bicker with his wife's parents. Cousin Eddie (Randy Quaid, in a role he was born to play) is there being his usual annoying stupid self. Things are just going wrong left and right. And, well, it's too much for one man to take. The only thing left to do? Go on a rampage and yell out every obsenity you can think of.



The Not-So-Good: Silent Night, Deadly Night Part 2

If you know me, or follow my site and/or blog at all, you probably saw this coming. Words can't describe just watch:



I wish the dude playing Ricky was in more movies. Imagine him as Batman.

"JOKER DAY!"
-Jason

Tuesday, December 09, 2008

I Am Bloated



I randomly found this on Amazon. It's a "Ultimate Collectors" editon of "I Am Legend".

So question: Was this necessary?

And if you need a refresher on what I thought (cause that's the important thing here) click here.
-Jason

Monday, December 08, 2008

Netflix, Old Stuff, New Stuff, and Stuff

I'm in a write-y mood tonight so I thought I'd share some things. That's why I got a blog, right?

I decided to go through my Netflix queue and get rid of stuff I put on there when I first got it back in 2006. If I haven't gotten around to it by now I probably never will. I kept some of the more interesting titles (My favorite: The Grapes of Death) and now adding some newer stuff I wanna catch up on. Plus some TV shows, like the first season of "It's Always Sunny in Philidelphia". Have you seen that shit? It's hilarious.

I also wanna see season 2 of "Supernatural" so I got those on there. Otherwise it's all movies, both good and bad.

I'm not sure if I ever made this clear but I am open for suggestions on any movies you guys think I should take a look at. The only problem I can see with this is people telling me "Dude, you should see "Twilight" and review it! It's awful!" Well, I'm sure it is, but I probably won't. Then again, I did do the "High School Musical" series...damn teenagers! Get off my lawn!

Seriously, drop me a line if you have a movie you want me to check out.

I'm probably also gonna stop doing the Five for Friday cause 1: I work weird hours on Friday's and 2: No one seems to give a crap. In it's place I'm gonna do something involving fake internet money and the weekend box office totals. More on this later.

I also wanted to announce some things in regards to the site.
1. The month of January is probably gonna be devoted to me updating some of my reviews, so if you were dying to see the pancake scene without having to see "Cabin Fever" have no fear, I'll be getting around to it.
2. Then either February or March I'm gonna be taking on a huge epic movie that will most likely take up the entire month. That movie is...The Sci-Fi Channel's horrible epic "Tinman". If you don't know what this is, god are you in for a treat.

I think that's all I got for now. Thanks for reading (if you are reading) and hope you guys like the new stuff coming up.
-Jason

Sunday, December 07, 2008

New Review: Santa and the Ice Cream Bunny


It's offically the holidays! Time to watch Santa....tell us the story of Thumbelina?

Santa and the Ice Cream Bunny

Also, yesterday (the 6th of December) was my offical 5 year anniversary of watching/reviewing bad movies. It all started with the cinematic classic "Rodentz" which can be found here:

Rodentz

Thanks!
-Jason

Thursday, December 04, 2008

A List: 12 Unnessessary Sequels

At some point last night I was flipping through the channels and I saw that "Center Stage 2" was on. I didn't even know "Center Stage" had a sequel. Then I wondered why there was even a sequel to "Center Stage". Then I started thinking about other movies that didn't really need a sequel. I sure do a lot of thinking.

So here is my list of 12 (well 13 I guess since I mentioned Center Stage) sequels that didn't need to be made.

You know when I was coming up with this list, which involved looking at imdb, I realized there is one thing all these movies have in common: the sequels don't feature any of the original stars from the original movie. I suppose that means something.

Another thing is I didn't include any of the Disney sequels like "Bambi 2: Wrath of Bambi's Mom" or "Cinderella 4: This Time She's A Prostitute". Otherwise we'd be here all day and I'm sure we all have something better to do. Right?

1. American Psycho 2


Sequel to: American Psycho.
Plot of Original: Christian Bale is some successful corporate dude who likes to kill
chicks. Detective William Defoe is on the case. According to something I read a few weeks ago, the ending shows it might've been a dream or something.

Plot of sequel (from imdb): Rachael Newman has developed an interest for murders after she met psycho Patrick Bateman. To further study the subject, she enrolls at the university department for Behavioural and Social Sciences, under the expert leadership of ex-FBI man Robert Starkman. Very certain about herself, Rachael has one single goal: to become class assistant. It's a prestigious job as having that position will almost guarantee employment at the FBI. But becoming class assistant is no easy task to accomplish, as the first trouble arises when secretary Gerty Fleck decides she is too young for it. And Gerty Fleck won't be the only obstacle.

WTF: So it does feature the Patrick Bateman character, he's not played by Bale. Then it focuses on some girl for the rest of the movie. At least make it Patrick's sister or mom or something. Or better yet, grandmother. Can you imagine a 80 year old woman looking at her vicitim tied up while wearing a plastic suit, then turning on the radio and saying stuff like "Ahh Lawrence Welk. Many say Lawrence Welk..." etc.

2. Step up 2: The Streets


Sequel to: Step Up
Plot of Original: Some dude is a badass and is forced to serve community service at a dance school. His "slick" dance moves earn him a spot in some talent show and a bunch of lessons are learned.

Plot of Original (Based on what I pieced together from the trailer): This time some girl is a bad ass, but she's a street dancer bad ass. She goes to the same school, meets mildly ethnic stereotypes and then has to dance, in the streets, to prove a point. Lessons learned all around.

WTF: Really? Did we really need a sequel to a stupid dance movie? And have the sequel not feature ANYBODY from the original? Not even the mildly hot principal chick from the original is in it. The only way a sequel would be warrented is if we focused on the two characters from the original as they try to save their dance studio and invent a new move called Electric Boogaloo.

3. The Bring It On Series


Sequel to: Bring It On
Plot of Original: Some white cheerleaders go against some black cheerleaders.

Plot of all the sequels: Some white cheerleaders go against some black cheerleaders.

WTF: Yeah, let's make the same damn movie over and over again. Granted, the first one shouldn't have been made at all, but it had Kirsten Dunst and I think she's hot (well I did until Spiderman 3, Jesus stop crying already). And when one of your movies features Beyonce's younger sister, you should know it's time to stop.

4. Hollow Man 2


Sequel to: Hollow Man
Plot of Original: Kevin Bacon and some smart scientists discover how to make animate objects invisible. Kevin then decides to do it to himself, which he succeeds but then he goes crazy and decides to kill everyone.

Plot of Sequel (From imdb): In Seattle, after the mysterious death of the scientist Dr. Devin Villiers, Detective Frank Turner and his partner Det. Lisa Martinez are assigned to protect Devin's colleague Dr. Maggie Dalton. Lisa is killed while protecting Maggie, and Frank presses her to tell what is happening. She discloses that a veteran soldier called Michael Griffin was submitted to an experiment with the objective of creating the ultimate national security weapon, an undetectable soldier. However, the experiment failed, with horrible side effects due to the damage to the cells caused by the radiation. Michael is chasing Maggie to get the necessary buffer to survive.

WTF: We're now getting into the part of the list where in the original the main character dies, along with a bunch of people involved with the project. And I'm sure the few that did survive won't be doing that again. And reading that plot description it seems like it really has nothing to do with the first movie. It just features an invisible guy killing people. So if you write a movie about invisible people killing people, it's gonna be a "Hollow Man" sequel. Movie exec's probably wanted to turn it into a "Freddy/Jason/Michael" type franchise but it's hard to make Hollow Man halloween masks.

5. The Butterfly Effect 2


Sequel to: The Butterfly Effect
Plot of Original: Ashton Kucher can time travel. His time traveling fucks up some shit.

Plot of sequel: Some other dude can time travel. His time traveling fucks up some shit.

WTF: Depending on which ending you saw, this sequel could've been needed, or just be another one where the main character is dead so someone else takes over. One ending, the kind of happy ending, has Ashton going back and telling the girl that he loves he's gonna kill her, so she doesn't get involved with his life and lives happily ever after. The other had Ashton going back to when he was fetus and strangling himself with his umbilical cord. Seriously. So, if we stuck with the sort of happy ending, Ashton (or at least his character) could still be "Oh no I'm time traveling! AGAIN!" But apparently the film makers went with the depressing ending and gave the time traveling ability to some other guy, randomly. I could get into the time travel geekery and explain how the sequel could've filled in a bunch of plot holes from the original but I'll spare you all.

6. Van Wilder: The Rise of Taj


Sequel to: National Lampoon's Van Wilder
Plot of Original: Van Wilder loves parties but decides to be responsible so he can fuck Tara Reid (Like that's a hard task). Then a dude shits in a garbage can.

Plot of Sequel: Van Wilders ethnic stereotype friend Taj goes to London and turns a bunch of nerds into super party studs.

WTF: That sounds like a combination of "Revenge of the Nerds" and "The House Bunny", except House Bunny came out like two years after "Taj", so weird. Anyway, how you gonna name a movie "Van Wilder" and not even have the fucking character in the movie? Like Van Wilder is the new National Lampoon now or something. And was Taj really that popular he needed his own movie? "Yes, let's flesh out the Indian stereotype. It'd be hilarious to watch him speak in a stilted accent for two hours. Yes...yes." Of course as of lately, the National Lampoon name has been attached to a bunch of weird shitty movies so maybe there will be a line of "Van Wilder" movies, where the next one we focus on the dog with the big nuts. Speaking of attaching names to bad sequels...

7. The "American Pie Presents..." Series


Sequel to: The Original American Pie Trilogy
Plot of Original(s): Jason Biggs is awkward at sex. He eventually fucks, then marries, the hottest band geek in the world. Thanks to his horny friends, hilarty ensues at the expense of Eugene Levy.

Plot of Sequels: One of them was called The Naked Mile where hot college students ran around naked for half the movie and Eugene Levy was there for some reason. Another one took place at the infamous band camp where horny teenagers tried to have sex with their instruments or something. And Eugene Levy returns for some reason.

WTF: Many people probably thing "American Pie 2" and "American Wedding" wasn't needed, but at least they featured all the same actors and characters and I must admit are pretty funny movies. But then the only person left is simply called "Jim's Dad" and you throw in a bunch of nobodies and go "Eh, let's just say this is an American Pie movie. No one will notice", that's fuckin' retarded. At least focus on Stiffler and not his little brother (who did appear in one of them, don't ask me which I really don't care.)

8. White Noise 2


Sequel to: White Noise
Plot of Original: Michael Keaton hears dead people.

Plot of Sequel: Some other guy hears dead people.

WTF: Seriously. This is in league with "Hollow Man 2" and "Butterfly Effect 2". And even worse is, if I recall correctly, the original "White Noise" wasn't even good and didn't do well. So, what? The movie guys thought it was Michael Keaton's fault and figured if they get rid of him, the movie will be good?

9. Baby Geniuses 2: Super Babies


Sequel to: Baby Beniuses
Plot of Original: Babies can talk and do thinks like adults can. Hilarity ensues.

Plot of Sequel: Some babies...oh who cares.

WTF: Really? That's all I gotta say. Really?

10. Lawnmower Man 2


Sequel to: The Lawnmower Man
Plot of Original: Scientist Pierce Bronsan invents some virtual reality thing that also makes people smarter. Enter Job, a "special" landscaper who Pierce instantly exploits and not only makes him smarter but hot also. Eventually, Job goes crazy and tries to kill people...THROUGH VIRTUAL REALITY!

Plot of Sequel: I seen it. But...I have no idea what was going on. Job was in the computer? He was trying to take over the world? I dunno.

WTF: Remember the big virtual reality craze in the '90's? Eventually it died down. Then Lawnmower Man 2 was made. So on several levels this movie didn't need to be made. What's even odder is the dude who played Job, Jeff Fahey, was replaced by Matt Frewer, who you may know as the neighbor from "Honey, I Shrunk The Kids" and more importantly "Max Headroom". And even more interesting enough the Stephen King story this is based on, doesn't feature anything about virtual reality or computers or "simple" people. It's about a crazy lawnmower man terrorizing a family. And he actually eats grass like a lawnmower. Now THAT I would pay to see.

11. Daddy Day Camp


Sequel to: Daddy Day Care
Plot of Original: This is wacky! Eddie Murphy and Jeff Garlin are fathers! And men! And men/fathers can't take care of kids! So what do we do? Let's have fathers/men take care of kids! LOTS AND LOTS OF KIDS!! Hijinks, come ensuing!

Plot of Sequel: Now this is wacky! Cuba Gooding, Jr and...some other guys run a camp! Full of kids! WHA??

WTF: If Eddie Murphy won't star in it, you know it'll be bad.

12. Speed 2: Cruise Control


Sequel to: Speed
Plot of Original: A bus carrying a bomb must be stopped before it goes under 50 m.p.h! And only Keanu Reeves can stop it! With some help from Sandra Bullock.

Plot of Sequel: Sandra Bullock breaks up with Keanu and decides to go on a cruise to relax. Some terrorist put a bomb on the ship. Many "Do I have the worst luck or what" jokes ensue.

WTF: If Keanu won't star in it...

-Jason

Sunday, November 30, 2008

New Mass Invasion: Dolemite


In memory of Rudy Ray Moore, we decide to take on his classic (Using that word loosely here) film "Dolemite"

Dolemite

Enjoy you jive ass honkeys!
-Jason

PS: You all aren't really jive ass honkeys. I was just trying to be funny

Wednesday, November 26, 2008

I Have To Do This





Happy Thanksgiving guys! Dolemite review next week!
-Jason

Saturday, November 15, 2008

Jumbled Movie Title Quiz: The Answers

Well, only three people submitted an answer. I'm guessing it's cause this was challenging. On top of that, Wordle kinda messed up by not including certain words. But out of the three that sent answers, we do have a winner.


(Click on picture to see it bigger on the site.)

First, the correct answers:
The Lost Boys
Can Hieronymus Merkin Ever Forget Mercy Humppe and Find True Happiness?
North by Northwest
It's A Wonderful Life
American Beauty
Freddy vs Jason
Back to the Future
The Day The Earth Stood Still
House of the Dead
Flags of Our Fathers
Little Miss Sunshine
The Usual Suspects
Good Will Hunting
Once Upon A Time In America
The Princess Bride
Rocky Horror Picture Show
The Man Who Knew Too Much
The Good The Bad And The Ugly
In Cold Blood
Throw Mama From The Train
Monkey Shines
Altered States
Black Christmas
The Return of the Living Dead
Escape From New York
Wet Hot American Summer
Brain That Wouldn't Die
Murder by Death
Your Vice Is A Locked Room
Do The Right Thing

The scores:
Third place goes to Mr. Senor LAMB Master Fletch, who got 11 right.
Second place goes to Rachel, who got 23 right.
And first place goes to the Reel Whore himself, Wayne, with 28 right! Congratulations!

Next time I do something like this, I promise it won't be this hard.

(That's what she said.)
-Jason

Wednesday, November 12, 2008

Jumbled Movie Quiz: Two Days Left

Just a reminder that the jumbled movie title quiz ends on Friday. I won't accept any entries after the 14th, so hurry and get those entries in, even if you don't have all 30 done.

http://invasionofthebmovies.blogspot.com/2008/11/jumbled-movie-title-quiz.html

Thanks!
-Jason

Sunday, November 09, 2008

New Review: Basket Case



You guys, this is possibly my new favorite bad movie ever in the history of forever!

Basket Case

Yes I loved it THAT much!
-Jason

Friday, November 07, 2008

Jumbled Movie Title Quiz

EDIT TO ADD:
It's been bought to my attention that small words like "by", "the", "and" and whatever else didn't appear in this picture for some reason. I apologize for any confusion. Hopefully everyone will figure out the titles still.


(Click on picture to see it bigger on the site.)

With special thanks to wordle.net I have here 30 movie titles all jumbled up. What you gotta do is try to figure them all out. Here are the rules and whatnot:

1. This will go for a week. Whoever has the most answers by next Friday, November 14th is declared the winner.

2. I'm disabling comments so no one posts any answers on here. Send all entries to invasionofthebmovies at gmail dot com.

3. I didn't include any one worded titles like "Snatch" or "Once". There are no sequels. Well, techically. One movie is part of a series but I dunno if that counts has a sequel or not. You'll see when you get it. The longest title in the quiz is 11 words long. I tried not to be TOO obscure but I think I did on a few to make it slightly challenging.

4. As of right now there's no prize for whoever wins. But if everyone needs some kind of motivation, then I guess I'll think of something. But it won't be anything pricey. Money's kinda tight, what with Christmas coming up and stuff.

That's it. Have fun and good luck!
-Jason

Five For Friday: November 7th, 2008

I'm guessing no opinions=we want more Five For Fridays! So here ya go! Let's rock it like a hurricane, yo!

1. Oh! OH! OH!! OHHHH!! OH GOD YES!!!-Me and my darling fiancee went to the midnight screening of "Zach and Miri Make a Porno", which was just 18 shades of awesome. It felt like it was some sort of secret thing cause there weren't a lot of people there and thankfully no kids. I'm willing to bet there were kids during the regular showings cause people are retarded. Anyway, I never been to a midnight screening of anything so it was a new experience for me. As for the movie, I thought it was awesome. I could've went without one part (literally) at the end. If you haven't seen it, I won't tell you. I'll let you be surprised like I was. I am mildly miffed at the critics though who said this was like any typical romantic comedy. Um, ok? Whatever. Like I said, people are retarded.

2. You Spin Me Right Round Baby-If you notice over there to the right, you'll see in my DVD watched listing I saw a film called "Hell on Wheels". My fiancee suggested it and asked me nicely to add it to my netflix. It was comfortably nestled betweent "C.H.U.D" and "Basket Case". Anyway, we watched it Wednesday night and it's a documentary about how roller derby made a comeback and the first team of girls to bring it back. It was pretty interesting. It started with a team in Austin and the four girls in charge wanted to turn the whole thing into some corporation and the players were employees, but the "employees" weren't happy with the situation so they said "knock it off or we walk", the "presidents" said no and they indeed walked and started their own, which set a path for the current state of derby where every skater is equal and stuff. It's pretty good. If you were curious about derby, you should look for this and check it out.

3. Coming Up Next On Showtime: Forrest Gump: The Series-How come "Crash" got turned into a TV show on Showtime? What is it about? Yes, I have Showtime and I could just watch it but...I don't want to. I think it's more fun trying to figure out what it's about. I'm gonna assume it's one of those anthology shows that tell different stories each week about a group of racist people who run across each other or something. Cause that's more or less what the movie was about. But I liked the movie, even though a lot of people didn't from what I read. And what role does Dennis Hopper play? Is he the Rod Sterling in this situation? Oh what the hell, I'll check out an episode.

4. Wait, It's NOT A Remake of the George C. Scott Horror Movie?-When I read the plot for the film "Changeling" I was confused. Then I heard it was based on a true story and I got even more confused. Let's take a look at this through the Jason scope, shall we?

A single mom finds that her son went missing in Los Angeles. After a month or so the L.A cops are like "We got him" and they deliever her a kid, but it's not her kid. The cops go "Yes it is, make him your son or we'll lock you up in an asylum!" but no, she says it's not her kid so they do indeed lock her up in an asylum. It turns out it really isn't her kid and the L.A cops were like "Um...we can't find him but instead of looking like idiots, let's grab some RANDOM kid and be like 'Hey lady, this is your kid' and hope SHE DOESN'T NOTICE! High five me, Jesus, I just struck oil!"

No offense to everyone involved, especially since this apparently "happened", but that sounds retarded. If I'm wrong about the story in any way, please let me know.

5. In Tribute-In the few weeks that I haven't done The Five, some people died. Including Rudy Ray Moore and Michael Crichton. I totally dug the Jurassic Park films (yes even parts 2 and 3), even though I'm not a big dinosaur nut like I know some people are. Looking at his credits, I didn't know he wrote "Twister" and "Coma" which are other films I've enjoyed. And I never watched "ER" cause medical dramas that don't feature Howie Mandel in a snowglobe don't do anything for me.
As for Rudy Ray Moore, I plan on paying a tribute to him later this month in the form of a brand spankin' new Mass Invasion! Me and my dear friends will be checking out "Dolemite", so stay tuned for that.

That'll do it. The new game/contest/whatever thingy will be posted a bit later. I doubt I'll have a prize but if no one participates I'll sweeten the deal with a little somethin-somethin.
-Jason

Thursday, November 06, 2008

Two Quick Things

I have to leave for work in about 15 minutes so I wanna make this quick so people who only read blogs during the day can have a say in this.

1. I'm gonna have a neat little game/contest thing coming up soon. I dunno if I'm gonna have prizes for it or not. Fletch at Blog Cabins does fun stuff for no prizes and people respond well to them, so I could give it a shot I suppose. Stay tuned for that.

2. I plan on doing a Five For Friday tomorrow but what I wanna know is this.
A-Do you guys like that feature?
B-If so, do you think there's anything different I can do?
C-If not, why and what should I do to improve on it?

Today is possibly the last beautiful day (as in temps over 75, which is weird for November 6th in Indiana). REM, what do you have to say about that?



-Jason

Monday, November 03, 2008

Alphabet Soup

Mr. Fletch over at Blog Cabins started another interesting meme thingy and this time I got tagged. Yay! This time around, we have to list a movie we like for every letter in the alphabet. Read his post for all the super long and mildly confusing (to me anyway) rules.

A-Army of Darkness
B-BASEketball
C-Clerks
D-Dead Alive
E-Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind
F-Ferris Bueller's Day Off
G-Grandma's Boy
H-Hot Fuzz
I-Idle Hands
J-Jay & Silent Bob Strike Back
K-Knocked Up
L-Leon: The Professional
M-My Blue Heaven
N-Naked Gun: From The Files of Police Squad
O-One Flew Over The Cuckoo's Nest
P-Pulp Fiction
Q-Q: The Winged Serpent
R-Reservior Dogs
S-South Park: Bigger, Longer, & Uncut
T-The Terminator
U-UHF
V-Very Bad Things
W-Wayne's World
X-Xanadu
Y-Young Einstien
Z-Zombie Lake

I'm suppose to tag five people but Fletch got all the people I read on a regular basis. The only one he didn't get was Final Girl and the odds of her reading my blog, then posting about this meme are slim, so...yeah. But I look forward to reading everyone elses list.
-Jason

New Review: C.H.U.D


Yay, new review time! Here's a game: try to come up with as many variations of what C.H.U.D could stand for.

C.H.U.D

Cupid Hates Unitarian Dogs!
-Jason

Friday, October 31, 2008

The 9 Days HE Came Home: Day 9-Rob Zombie's Halloween

Here we are, the final night of my Halloween Blog-A-Thon. It's been an interesting trip. Here to take us home is Ross from What I Watched Last Night telling us what he thought of Rob Zombie's Halloween.

My Thoughts:
I'll have to respectfully disagree with Ross. I thought it was an OK movie but Jesus, what was with all the backstory? Did Michael Meyers really needed to be explained THAT much that a good hour or so was filled with Michael as a kid, being crazy, and obsessed with masks? Who cares why he likes masks, the mask makes it all that much creepier. But I have said in the past if there was no previous "Halloween" movie and this movie was "new and fresh", it'd be pretty good. But since we know who Michael Meyers is and he's suppose to be this giant boogeyman that can't be stop, Senor Zombie kinda ruined the fun if you get what I'm saying.

The Trailer:


And that'll do it. Thank you for reading all 9 days of posts, it was fun. Who knows what I'll cook up next year. Guess we'll see.

If the boogeyman doesn't get me first...
-Jason

The Possessed TV

I'm gonna get to the final "Halloween" post in a bit. But I wanna show this off cause I worked all day on it. I made a short Halloween film where I show off my Halloween costume and fight off an evil TV. Check it out!



We now return you to your regularly scheduled programming.
-Jason

Thursday, October 30, 2008

The 9 Days HE Came Home: Day 8-Halloween: Resurrection

Reality shows suck on a whole, but what if someone made a reality show where a bunch of people were stuck in a house, with a murderer, and watch them get killed one by one? That'd be pretty fuckin' cool!! And that's sort of the premise of "Halloween: Resurrection".

It's three years after "H20" and Jamie Lee Curtis' character Laurie Strode is in a mental institution. The backstory is explained by Backstory Nurse. The Backstory Nurse tells us that, as we saw at the end of "H20", Laurie decapitated Michael Meyers. But what really went down was Mike strangled a paramedic, crushed his larynx, then putting his mask and outfit on him, so Laurie decapitated that dude's head instead.

You remember those old serials from the 1930's and '40's where the end of each one ended on a cliffhanger then when they picked up on the same spot in the next episode they showed something completely different happen? This is a unrelated question, I was just wondering.

Anyway, Laurie is just waiting for Michael to come back, and comes back he does, on Halloween Eve (Hey that's tonight!). She leads him up to the roof where she had a complicated rig set up to tie a rope around his ankle and to hang him over the ledge so she could kill him. So she just wandered off to the roof for three years building this thing and no one thought about it? Ok, whatever.

But not wanting to make the same mistake again, Laurie goes to double check, which proves to be fatal because he stabs her. It took him eight movies to do it but he finally killed Laurie Strode, his sister. I can hear everyone say "WHAT???"

The next day, earlier that day, next year, whatever...

Sarah and her friend Jen are picked to be on a "internet reality" show where they have to spend a night in Michael Meyers' house and find out what made him crazy. The name of the show is "Dangertainment" and it's run by Busta Rhymes. Well, not really him, but his character, Freddie. His assistant is Tyra Banks, who for all I know is really Tyra Banks in the movie because she isn't given a name.

Freddie and Tyra pick Sarah, who has this weird inexplicable talent to scream so high pitched that glass breaks; Jen, who is doing this so she can be famous; Donna, a super smart, super sexy redhead chick; Jim, some biker rebel dude; Bill, who I think is the same dude who was in the "American Pie" movies that got to bang Tara Reid; and Rudy, a black dude who's a chef which means he's really, really, REALLY into cooking, about as much as I am into movies.

Sarah has an internet buddy named "Deckard", but his real (and not so cool sounding) name is Miles, a freshman in high school who claims to be a college graduate and Lord only knows what else.

So our rag-tag group of wannabe reality stars trot into the house, armed with cameras by their ears and surrounded by cameras in the house. They all split off, naturally, and try to uncover stuff.

Donna and Jim go into the basement and at first Donna isn't interested in Jim, then not even two seconds later, she's jamming her tongue into his mouth. While getting it on, Jim finds a manhole cover type thing in the ground and finds a key that goes to it. They crawl down and find a dungeon type thing. They proceed to get it on there (woo boobies!!) when the wall breaks opens and a bunch of skeletons fall out. Donna is freaked out until Jim inspects them and realizes they're all fake.

Rudy and Sarah are checking out the kitchen, because Rudy is such a food nut, and they find a baby chair with chains inside a closet. Meanwhile upstairs, Bill and Jen are alone checking stuff out when Jen pulls a prank on Bill by pretending to be hurt. Bill is all pissed off and is about to vow revenge when suddenly Michael bursts through the wall (seriously) and kills him.

While Jim runs upstairs to tell everyone about the fake skeletons, Donna notices another entrance further down in the basement. She checks it out and discovers that this is where Michael Meyers has been hiding out for the past 8 movies and also discovers that his diet consists of rats. She gets freaked out and is about to leave when Michael returns to his home-away-from-home-that's-actually-in-his-home and kills her.

While all of this is going on, Miles/Deckard and his friend Scott go to a Halloween party, where they dress up as Vince and Jules from "Pulp Fiction". This alone would make this the most kick ass movie in the world. But Miles feels bad for not watching Sarah on the internet telecast, so he sneaks off into an office and watches it. Soon, the party has moved into there with everyone watching the telecast. People think the murders are fake. People are idiots.

Jim catches up to Sarah and tells her that the show is rigged when Freddie, dressed as Michael, comes in and scares them. He explains that, yes, everything in the house was set up because there was nothing really there and otherwise it'd be a boring show, so he needed to spice it up by putting fake demented things and him dressing up as Michael to chase them around.

Upstairs, Rudy and Jen are smoking a bong. With cameras still attached to their heads. I never said these were smart people. Anyway, Rudy catches up with the rest and Jen is the last to join them when they spot Michael going towards her. Thinking it's Freddie they say "knock it off!!" but, well, Michael chops her head off. This is real. And it's this that finally convinces the audience at the party that it's real.

Michael goes after Rudy, killing him in the kitchen to make it the biggest ironic scene ever, then he kills Jim. Sarah runs and finds a camera mounted to the wall asking "Deckard" for help. He responds via palm pilot telling her where Michael is. They chase each other around the house for awhile, until Freddie finds Sarah and they manage to wrap a camera cord around Michael's neck and throw him out the window.

But "Deckard" tells them he's still alive so they try to get the hell out of there. But Freddie and Sarah get separated and she ends up in the garage, where Tyra Banks was watching all the monitors. Well, Tyra is found dead. AW! We didn't get to see Tyra Banks die a slow horrible death. That would've been worth the price of admission alone.

Well, anyway, in one of the goofiest moments, Sarah gets hold of a chainsaw and goes after Michael. I don't know, I think anytime anyone in a movie carries a chainsaw for no reason, it's just funny, unless it's Leatherface. But the chainsaw stops and she just throws it at him, which causes gas to spill, then somehow (I forgot, ok) sparks are made and VOOSH!! flames galore. Busta bursts back in, rapping "Put your hands where My eyes can see, BITCH!!" Ok, not really, but that would've been cool. But Freddie is still alive and manages to tie Michael so he's burnt and electrocuted to death.

Later that night, his body shows up at the morgue and...well...can you say "False ending"? How about "Another sequel"?

There were a shitload of laughable moments in this movie. Like when Michael bursts into Laurie's hospital room, he just breaks through the door like it's made out of paper, which it probably was. Then Busta's character is into Kung-Fu movies, so he does Kung-Fu moves on Michael, which just confused the hell out of him. Then there's the whole chainsaw thing. I dunno, I got a few unintentional laughs from this movie, and compared to the other movies in the series, this wasn't that bad. I mean, sure I've seen better, and the first Halloween is the best out of the series, but this movie was tolerable.


The Trailer:


I gotta say a quick word about the trailer. I've noticed that the later it got in the series the more hesitant they were to say it was a Halloween/Michael Meyers movie. They just say things in the beginning like "A brutal serial killer" and "The scariest man ever" or whatever. Then when you're hooked, you hear the familar music and see the familar mask and then you go "aw not another one!" and throw your popcorn at the screen.
Then I hate the way they made it look like Laurie is the big savior of the movie, like she's the new Dr. Loomis or whatever but she ends up biting it in the beginning. Oh well, this "TECHICALLY" was the final one in the series. I suppose Rob Zombie was trying to "reboot" the whole thing or something. But as we'll see tomorrow, he failed.

Tomorrow we wrap things up.
-Jason

Wednesday, October 29, 2008

The 9 Days HE Came Home: Day 7: Halloween H20

Senor Paul over at Careful With That Blog, Eugene (I like that name and I don't know why) wrote up the Halloween Part 7 or as I like to call it:

Halloween Water

My Thoughts:
From 1998 till 2000 I lived in a city called Whiting, Indiana. There's not a lot going on in that town, it only exists to house the huge giant BP Refinery. At some point in 1998, or 99 I think, they opened a little movie theater. It wasn't a multiplex, it was one of those one screen deals, which is cool for nostalgic sakes. Since I also got my first job in 1998 I had my own money to spend. So when H20 came out (guess it was 1998) I saw it opening weekend. Michael Meyers AND Jamie Lee Curtis? On the big screen? Fuck yeah.

That night in 1998 was the first and last time I seen H20. I barely remember it. I remember it took forever for Michael to get to Laurie. I remember thinking it was stupid that "she faked her death". I remember getting annoyed at the kids in the movie, one of whom was that Joseph Gordon Levitt kid, who was riding the pussy train from "3rd Rock From The Sun". I had no idea who Josh Hartnet was back then. And L.L Cool J was in this? Are you serious? I'm guessing this started the trend of having rappers fight Michael (see tomorrow's entry). And it was cutesy to have Jamie Lee's real mom in the movie. Then the ending came and I shouted "Why didn't they think of that 80 movies ago?" I thought for sure this was the end of the series. But...

The Trailer:


Tomorrow it's my turn again. Now how do you suppose they explain Michael coming back? Hmm...?
-Jason

Tuesday, October 28, 2008

The 9 Days HE Came Home: Day 6: Halloween 6: The Curse of Michael Meyers


Today's review comes from Mass Invader Adam, who's never shy about his opinions of bad horror movies.

Halloween: The Curse of Michael Myers shouldn't suck as much as it does. But it still sucks. But why? Let's find out.

The atmosphere created by the movie is probably the scariest of all the Halloween movies. Lots of dark shots and blue filters create a mood that I wish more of the Halloween movies had. It feels sinister. And the heavy 90's soundtrack isn't too much of a distraction. This movie has a feel to it, and that doesn't happen much in this horror franchise.

But then we get down to the plot, and it is here that Halloween 6 suffers for the same reasons all the Halloween movies suffer. It's impossible to care about the victims and I never cared about the killer.

Michael Myers apparently wants his family dead, but he kills everything in his way. That should be scary, but it's boring. Everyone is a potential victim; everyone is disposable. And that's why the Halloween movies fail. You can never emotionally invest in anybody because Michael Myers is going to kill them without a witty one-liner. And since we're introduced to new family members who apparently dropped out of the sky and landed in Haddonfield in every movie, this gets boring fast. Although the half-assed ancient Druid curse subplot tries to give Michael Myers a motive, it's a little late to save this franchise and not enough to make this movie any good.

Donald Pleasence reprises his role as Dr. Loomis. Fortunately, he had the good sense to die before this movie hit the theaters. The character of Tommy Jarvis also returns, as a Michael Myers-obsessed college student who spends his time listening to conspiracy theory radio. This should be awesome, but it isn't used to its potential. Nothing in this movie is, and it's frustrating because I was re-editing the movie in my head while watching it. My version kicked ass. This one, not so much.

There is a bootleg Producer's cut of Halloween: The Curse of Michael Myers floating around out there. I've never seen it, but it supposedly makes this movie suck less. I believe it. There was so much squandered potential with the characters, plot and tone of this movie. If only the studio knew how close they were to making a decent entry into a bland horror franchise.


My Thoughts:
The only thing I liked about this movie was the way the father got killed. I don't remember it too well, it had something to do with a light in the basement and he got the fuck electrocuted out of him. And it's weird seeing a young Paul Rudd in this movie, running away from Michael Meyers. Nowadays, if he was in a horror movie he'd be the comic relief.

The Trailer:


Tomorrow: The return of Jamie Lee Curtis!
-Jason

Monday, October 27, 2008

The 9 Days HE Came Home: Day 5: Halloween 5: The Revenge of Michael Meyers


Sheesh, I get on everyone's ass when it comes to being punctual about their reviews and here I am churning out a review 15 minutes before midnight (EST). Let's get this going!

We start off with part of the ending of the previous installment, with Michael Meyers on the truck, flying off of it, him flying into a grave, and all the tombstones falling on top of him!! But...what's this?!?! There was a hole IN THE GRAVE?!?! And he climbed through the hole?!! Ended up in a river?!?! And finally at some old dude's shack?!?! Where he just laid there for a year?!?!?! What the hell???? I wanted to see Donald Pleasence screamed "NAAL!! NAAL!!!" again!!!!

So apparently it's now a year later and Jamie, who was last seen killing her own mother and trying not to get shot by a screaming Dr. Loomis, is in some hospital and she can't talk.

Oh but get this. The mom didn't get "killed", just slightly wounded, and Jamie says (well writes) that the spirit of Michael is inside her, which is why Jamie is in the hospital. What's up with her voice, I have no clue.

And Donald Pleasence is back, as Dr. Loomis, but he's getting a tad too old for this role so I think he's losing his mind because the whole movie he just hangs around the girl's hospital bed, shaking her, saying "Tell me!! Tell me!!!!" Dude, she's not gonna tell you shit, you tried to shoot her a year ago.

Jamie's step-sister Rachael also makes a return, but Rachael got some new friends, one of them named Tina. Oh, and they got a new dog too, named Max. Rachael and Max are home alone when, surprise! Michael Meyers shows up. He lurks around Rachael's house for about an hour, then he decides to kill her, finally.

With Rachael out of the picture, we focus on Tina, who's friends with Sammy, a blonde chick who dates some dude name Spitz. Seriously. Spitz. Anyway, Tina is dating some jackass dude with a cool car named Michael. Michael and Spitz go to the store where Spitz works at to steal some beer for a party later that night. Michael Meyers thinks Michael has a cool car so he decides to kill him and take it.

Later, Michael (Meyers) picks Tina up and Tina wants to visit Jamie at the hospital. Since Michael wants to kill Jamie for whatever reason, he heads there. But Tina wants cigarettes first so she makes him stop to get some, which he does.

Cigarettes: 3.95 a pack.
Condoms: 7.99
Cheap Vodka: 3.99
Getting Michael Meyers to be your chauffer: priceless.

Jamie gets freaky ass visions when Michael gets the urge to kill, so Jamie is able to see whatever Michael sees. The cops show up and save Tina before Michael gets the chance to do anything. By the way, the cops are the comic relief in this movie as noted by the weird goofy whimsical music that plays when they're on screen. I don't get the point of that at all. Anyway, the cops agree to give Tina a ride to some farm where the party is at and there she meets up with Sammy and Spitz.

Sammy, Spitz, and Tina head for the old barn on the farm, where Spitz could've asked for a threesome and gotten it with no problem, but alas, this lad isn't that bright, so Tina leaves Spitz and Sammy in the barn alone to have sex...and to let Michael Meyers kill Spitz with a pitch fork. He kills Sammy with one of those things you see the Grim Reaper always carrying, whatever the hell those things are called.

Jamie is all concerned about Tina and runs away from the hospital with this kid that likes Jamie, named Bill. Oh, and because Jamie is so concerned about Tina suddenly, she got her voice back. I dunno either, folks.

Tina goes back to the barn where Sammy and Spitz are found dead and Michael appears in the car when Jamie shows up. Michael decides he wants to mow down Jamie so he chases her, until Dr. Loomis shows up out of nowhere and snatches her up. Dr. Loomis then tells Michael that to end this, this meaning these horrible sequels, he must go back to his house.

So Loomis and Jamie are at Michael's old house, where he killed his sister in the beginning of the series, waiting. Well, sure enough, Michael shows up and attacks Loomis and then goes after Jamie, chasing her all over the house, through shafts, basements, attics, you name it. It was a lovely tour of the house.

Loomis comes out of nowhere (again), scoops up Jamie, and drops a chain net on Michael and shoots him with tranquilizers until he passes out. The cops show up, put Michael in a cell where "he'll be held until he can go to a maximum security prison". Well...that doesn't last long.

Throughout this whole movie, this dude dressed like Johnny Cash just wanders around town. Well, now he busts into the police station, shoots every cop, and somehow manages to get Michael Meyers. And roll credits!!

Ok, this movie was just alright. The death's were pretty cool, but this family has bad luck with dogs because Michael killed Max as well. And the fact that no one seemed worried about Rachael throughout the movie kinda bothered me. Oh, and there was this cop who was dubbed for some reason, and his death was edited rather oddly, it's kinda hard to describe. But now, who the hell is that dude in black? Why did John Carpenter just give up on this series? And why, oh why, did they not include any nudity? Sheesh, it's a horror film.


The Trailer:


I don't remember him being unmasked. But whatever gets people to watch your movie.
-Jason

Sunday, October 26, 2008

LAMB MOTM: Revolver

After taking two months off from doing this feature, I'm back to tackle "Revolver" this month's LAMB Movie of the Month.

"Revolver" is a Guy Ritchie film so going in I thought I'd get a lot of cool characters, violent scenes, and neat plot story arc's. One out of three isn't back. Not that some of the characters were cool, but it was severely lacking. In "Snatch" you have Bullet Tooth and Brad Pitt's gibberish character and a bunch of others. Here, the only character I thought was neat was the balding hitman with glasses.

Jason Statham stars as Jake Green, a gambler who we first see getting out of prison. He's been in for seven years. What his crime was, it was never said. But he gets out. Then we're introduced to Ray Liotta's character Macha, some type of mob/casino owner guy. He hears about Jake and is then put on high alert.

Two years go by and suddenly Jake has a shitload of money and a small crew himself. Jake pays Macha a visit, who talks down to him. While taking the stairs down (Jake is claustrophobic and doesn't like elevators) he blacks out. While visiting a doctor, he finds out he has some kind of rare blood disease and he's gonna die in three days.

He then is paid a visit by Big Pussy and Andre 3000. They know about Jake's disease and promise to keep him alive if he gives them all his money and does what they say. He eventually gives in and he more or less acts like a butler/servant while they go around collecting money from people.

Around here the movie should've soared into normal Guy Ritchie territory but it takes a weird left turn. Macha is suddenly working for some guy named Mr. Gold. Jake, Pussy, and Andre steal Macha's safe, which has cocaine in it. The cocaine belongs to Gold, so Macha needs to replace it, so he makes a deal with some Chinese mob guy. Pussy and Andre hear about it and they steal both Macha's money and the Chinese coke, so now a war starts between them.

And for some strange ass reason, these scenes are suddenly animated. Don't get me wrong it's cool looking but it doesn't really fit in, kinda makes you think Guy Ritchie saw "Kill Bill" one too many times or something.

During all this, we learn Jake is a chess expert and he tells the story of when he was in prison. He chose solitary confinement and the only thing he did was read books about chess and apparently quantum physics. The two guys on both sides of Jake are also into chess and, apparently, quantum physics. They pass notes to each other via the books and Jake learned the other two are gonna break out soon. They do without so much as digging a way out or busting out a door or anything. Kinda like Bruce Willis did in "12 Monkeys".

Then the whole thing devolves into something about "where the enemy?" "The enemy isn't really there, or is he?" "You're the enemy but you're not." In other words it gets really fucking confusing. Jake spends the last 30 minutes of the movie yelling at himself and we're treated to layers and layers of voiceovers.

The cool character, the balding hitman with glasses, pops up now and then, working for Macha, and taking out anyone trying to kill Macha. At the end, he kills most of Macha's men cause they were gonna hurt Jake's neice, who's only a child. We don't really see what happens to him or her.

We're treated to a lovely scene with Ray Liotta in his underwear, while spitting out lines and crying. Jake figures out that Pussy and Andre were the two guys he was in prison with and somehow quantum physics and the ego played into not only their escape, but the entire movie. Jesus, did the "Donnie Darko" dude co-write this movie or something?

It's probably a good thing Guy Ritchie divorced Madonna, cause the entire him he was with her, he made shitty movies. So maybe now he'll get back on track. And yes I am in fact blaming her for this awful movie, even though she wasn't in it. I think her Kaballah whatever seeped into Guy's brain or something.

Oh and why the hell was Jason Statham wearing that awful wig the whole movie? He doesn't need hair! He's Jason FUCKIN' Statham! You don't give him hair! The hell were they thinking???

Here's the trailer:



-Jason

The 9 Days HE Came Home: Day 4-Halloween 4

Today, Ken over at karlhungus.com is gonna talk to us about "Halloween 4: The Return of Michael Meyers". So check that out.

My Thoughts:
The only thing that makes this movie even remotely watchable is the ending. It's hilarious to see Donald Plesance just overact. It's so funny that someone posted it on Youtube. Warning: This clip is a bit spoilery so if you care about that kind of thing don't watch:


I should be Dr. Loomis for Halloween and run about yelling "Nooo!!! Naaaalll!!"

Here's the Trailer:


Tomorrow is my take on Halloween 5 so be sure to check that out.
NOO!!!! NOOOO!!!
-Jason

Saturday, October 25, 2008

The 9 Days HE Came Home: Day 3-Halloween 3

Well, actually, this is probably the one day HE DIDN'T come home but whatever.

I updated my Halloween 3 review which you can read here.

The Trailer:


Umm...there was no actual witch in this movie. The hell?
-Jason

Friday, October 24, 2008

The Soto 50

Fletch at Blog Cabins gave each of us an interesting challenge. Can we list 50 of our FAVORITE movies without going completely insane? I think I'm up to the challenge. And me being me I'm gonna group in some b/bad movies in there since I do have a bunch of those I like.

Noticed I stressed the word "FAVORITE" not "BEST EVAR!!" or "IF YOU DONT LIKE THESE MOVIES THEN YOU CAN SUCK ON IT LONG AND HARD!" just MY FAVORITES. So if you don't like these movies then you can suck on it long and hard.

Just kidding.

1. Pulp Fiction
2. Clerks
3. Clerks 2
4. Planet Terror
5. Dead Alive
6. The Re-Animator
7. The Odd Couple
8. Die Hard With A Vengence
9. Rear Window
10. Rope
11. The Birds
12. Indiana Jones & The Last Crusade
13. Kill Bill
14. Ferris Bueller's Day Off
15. Bill & Ted's Excellent Adventure
16. Star Wars
17. The Blues Brothers
18. Wayne's World
19. Wayne's World 2
20. Dawn of the Dead (Original)
21. Santa's Slay (Seriously, I got a new "every Christmas" movie)
22. Silent Night, Deadly Night Part 2
23. Slugs
24. The Big Lebowski
25. Bubba Ho-Tep
26. Evil Dead 2
27. Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind
28. Fantastic Voyage
29. Galaxy Quest
30. The Jungle Book
31. Noises Off!
32. Snakes on a Plane
33. Waiting...
34. Baseketball
35. The Warriors
36. National Lampoon's Christmas Vacation
37. Pee Wee's Big Adventure
38. The World According to Garp
39. Ginger Snaps
40. Run Lola Run
41. Fight Club
42. The Hitchhikers Guide To The Galaxy
43. Memento
44. Seven
45. Leon: The Professional
46. The Shining
47. Jesus Christ Vampire Hunter
48. The Comedians of Comedy
49. Back to the Future Part 2
50. The Time Machine (1960)

Perhaps one day I'll go ahead and do 51-100.
-Jason

The 9 Days HE Came Home: Day 2-Halloween 2


Here to tell us her thoughts on "Halloween 2" is Devon, a Mass Invader that's written two reviews for the site. To check those out, click here and here.

Devon's Review of "Halloween 2":
Halloween 2 begins with an opening sequence that appears nearly identical to that of the first film, featuring a sloppy Jack-O-Lantern blazing against a black backdrop with orange block-letter credits. As we approach, however, the gourd splits down the middle, revealing a grinning, blue-lit skull nestled amid a cobwebbed mass of pumpkin guts.

This sequence pretty much sums up the entire film -- it tries to totally freak your shit out by constantly one-upping the first movie, brutally and unexpectedly rending apart the conventions that that film established; it fails because it is silly, redundant, and flaunts its petty shock aspirations so thoroughly as to unneccessarily strain the viewer's suspension of disbelief.

Released in 1981, Halloween 2 clearly represents a response not only to the first film in the series, but to the several genre knockoffs which had already begun to appear by that time (perhaps most notably, the first Friday the 13th movie). It's a pretty solid slasher flick and a decent horror sequel -- likely the best in the series -- but it unfortunately can't hold a candle (no pun intended) to Carpenter's groundbreaking original.

My Thoughts on "Halloween 2":
I was pretty impressed on how it picked right up after the ending of "Halloween" and we just see the continuation of stuff happening that night. I wasn't too impressed with the paramedic dude that had a crush on Laurie. He sees bloods and starts losing his shit? He even goes into a comatose state afterwards! Jeez, I wouldn't want this guy to show up if I get into a bad car wreck. The killings were pretty cool, especially the hot tub one.

The Trailer:


Tomorrow's my turn when I redo my "Halloween 3: Season of the Witch" review.
-Jason

Thursday, October 23, 2008

The 9 Days HE Came Home: Day 1-Halloween


Here we go, kicking off 9 days of "Halloween" flicks. First up is a review by Rachel over at Rachel's Movie's Review. If you haven't checked her blog out, you should. She's a MST3K fan to boot! Anyway, here's her review of the one that started it all.


"Halloween" starring Jamie Lee Curtis and Donald Pleseance.

My Take On "Halloween":
Thinking as a person back in 1978, seeing this for the first time, it'll probably freak me out cause not a lot of movies like this were made at the time. And it's always good to see where a long ass series started from. Kinda too bad it's gonna get stupider the more it goes on, but that's for later. Jamie Lee does a good job as Laurie and The Donald is great. He'll always be Dr. Loomis to me, no offense Malcolm.

The Trailer:


Man, audience's back in 1978 were probably shitting their pants after seeing that in theaters.
See you tomorrow!
-Jason

Wednesday, October 22, 2008

Ad's of the Dead

Normally I'd probably make this one of the Five but I figured screw it and make it a individual post.

You know those Direct TV ad's where they show a quick clip of some movie, then they managed to get one of the actors to look like they did back in that movie and they prattle on about watching Direct TV? Well, I was kinda "eh" about them until this one:



Now I got all kinds of problems with this one. First, wasn't the filming of "Poltergeist" like really fucked up and supposedly haunted? Then there was that whole curse thing where people were getting into car accidents or dying left and right. And speaking of dying, the little girl in the ad, Heather O'Rourke died at like a young age. Maybe I'm being old and cranky or taking this way too seriously, but does anyone else see anything wrong with them "reinacting" this movie just to sell a stupid satellite dish? Like maybe it's a bit morbid?

Shame on you Craig T. Nelson! What, did your "Coach" money run out?
-Jason

Monday, October 20, 2008

Eleven More Days Till Halloween, Halloween, Halloween...

...Lucky Shamrock!

If you're familar with the "Halloween" series, especially "the one that doesn't belong", you'll know where that's from.

Starting Thursday October 23rd, I and some other brave souls, some fellow LAMB's, some fellow Mass Invaders, will be tackling each of the "Halloween" movies, including the Rob Zombie remake that came out last year. I originally called this "9 Days of Halloween" but I'm now changing it to "The 9 Days HE Came Home". Cause...you know...it's the tagline from the original film? Remember? Well, when you get it, you'll see how clever it is.

Anyway, good ol' Mrs. Thuro from Rachel's Reel Reviews will be kicking things off on Thursday so come back for that, eh?

Why I'm suddenly Canadian is beyond me. See you on Thursday!
-Jason

Friday, October 17, 2008

Five For Friday: October 17th, 2008

This edition of The Five is dedicated to my mom, who had a birthday yesterday! Aww...aren't I sweet?

1. Don't Be Religulous-We saw the Bill Maher movie "Religulous" last Saturday. The entire movie was just him questioning different beliefs but he was never mean about it, at least I don't think. He did make fun at different individuals, but it wasn't ever about their beliefs, so that's a plus side. What I liked about the movie was the certain movie clips or TV clips he'd insert to punctuate a point. If you are highly religious then you probably shouldn't see this movie. But if you are a fan of Bill's show "Real Time" then you should enjoy this movie.

2. America, Stop It Already!-Ok...maybe I was a bit harsh last week. Maybe you read my blog and said "Screw you Soto!" and just went and did what you wanted. So now I'm asking nicely. Don't let "Beverly Hills Chihuahua" be the number one movie for the third week in a row. Look! You got options this time! "W" opens! "Max Payne" opens! That Movie With The Black Chicks and Their Big Boobs (Oh and Dakota Fanning's Somehow Involved) open this weekend! Hell even the "Superbad" rip off "Sexdrive" opens this weekend! See one of those!! For the love of GOD DON'T SEE BEVERLY HILLS RAT AGAIN!!!!
Seriously, it's #91 on the Bottom 100. That don't make sense! UGH! My head...

3. THIS IS NOT A DRILL!!-We are now in Defcon 4. Or 5. Whatever.
They made a FOURTH Fast and the Furious movie. And it's called..."Fast & Furious".
Need proof?

Hug your loved ones, Armageddon is upon us.

4. Then There's This-Zac Efron Is Gonna Play Kevin Bacon's Role in The Remake of "Footloose". Zac Efron...director of "High School Musical"...remake of "Footloose"...I need a beer.

5. Speaking of Drunks-We are going to see "W." tomorrow. I have my doubt's that it's a real look into the life of George W. Bush, but just some made up account through the eyes of Oliver Stone. So expect cartoons to appear in the background for no reason and a lot of shaky camera movements.

Sorry if the majority of this Five was just me ranting and whining but you get what you pay for.
-Jason

Wednesday, October 15, 2008

My Post On "Postal"

Last Friday I said I was gonna create a whole post about the movie "Postal". So here it is.

One thing you should know going in, in case you're not aware, is that it is in fact a Uwe Boll film. Before you get discouraged, hear me out. It's actually not a bad movie. I guess it's not a good one. Honestly, the entire thing is just weird, so weird that you're not thinking if it's good or bad. You're just like "Uh...am I really seeing this?" the entire time. Unlike "House of the Dead" where you go "Ok this sucks ass".

"Postal" is pretty much a character driven film, with a wide array of odd characters. Before getting into what little plot there is, let me tell you a bit about the characters.

First there's our main "hero" (I put hero in quotes cause he does the things he does in the movie just to save his own ass) who doesn't have a name until mid-way through. He gets called "Postal Guy" cause he gets blamed for a big shoot out that happens in the middle of the film and they think he just lost his mind.

Postal Guy is married to a very obese woman, who does nothing but lay in bed and watch TV. Well and have sex with every guy in town, besides Postal Guy. Hey, she's literally the biggest slut in town. HA! Now that I think back on it, I don't think she had a name either.

There's Uncle Dave, played by Dave Foley. He started his own cult/religion and he made up a bible full of weird rules that was written on the spot. He constantly has sex with tons of hot chicks while coming up with these Dave Commandments. He's also literally Postal Guy's uncle.

Uncle Dave has a devout follower named Richard, who takes everything Uncle Dave says literally. He ends up causing big trouble towards the end.

I swear I'm not making this up but the main villain in this movie is Osama Bin Laden. He's hiding out in the back of a convience store in this town.

Finally there's Verne Troyer, who plays himself.

Now that you know the characters, here's the slim and weird plot of "Postal".

All of the above characters live in the town of Paradise, which is ironically a shit hole town. It's mainly full of hicks or terrorists. After discovering that his wife is literally the biggest slut in Paradise, Postal Guy goes to his Uncle Dave for advice. Dave has a plan to make everyone millionares and finally get out of this shit town.

Dave reads on the internet that this new doll named Krotchy is sweeping the nation and they're going for, like, a thousand dollars a doll on Ebay. So Dave finds out that there's gonna be a special shipment of Krotchy dolls (they look like dicks, hence the name) in a part of Paradise called German Town. Postal Guy is in and the plan is set in motion.

What they don't know is that Osama is planning his biggest terrorist strike on America by having some chemical weapon smuggled in. And how are they getting smuggled in? Why through a special shipment of Krotchy dolls of course.

But Dave and his gang of hookers, his nephew, and devout follower get to the dolls first. Osama is pissed about this and start shooting up the place. I should mention that Uwe Boll himself makes an apperance as himself where he more or less makes fun of himself. And Verne Troyer is the spokesman for these dolls.

So during the shootout, we only see kids getting shot and killed. Postal Guy is blamed for the shootout and he's now a wanted man. He gets chased by this racist cop who thinks everyone calls him the N-word (he is black btw). While Postal Guy is on the run, Richard kidnaps Verne Troyer and they all go back to Dave's place.

Postal Guy shows up eventually and Richard has really flipped out and using the Book of Dave had a guide to life, he's decided to end the world once and for all. He kills Dave, then throws Verne Troyer in a room full of horny monkeys where he gets fucked to death. I wish I was making that up.

So now it's up to Postal Guy to stop Richard and Osama from destroying the world and/or the country. From this point on there's nothing but violence and blood and shooting and whatnot. He eventually meets up with a chick named Faith who helps him save the world. But Osama gets the last laugh when he calls his old friend George W. Bush and asks politely if he'll nuke Paradise. W agrees. As the town is getting nuked, Postal Guy and Faith make it out and we see Osama and President Bush skipping in a field holding hands while a mushroom cloud forms behind them.

I told you it was a weird movie. But I like weird and this definately was different. Like I said I dunno if it's good or not, I wasn't thinking about that. I was just trying to process everything I was seeing. Oh yeah, if you think Dave Foley is hot, you see his dong. Full frontal male nudity, kids getting killed, and a shot of Osama and Bush holding hands. I think Uwe Boll was making SOME kind of statement.

Here's the trailer:


-Jason

Sunday, October 12, 2008

The VHS Dump

I was looking at my site the other day and decided to really crack down and figure out all the reviews that need to be updated. After writing all of them down, I went to see how many of them are available on DVD. To my dismay, I found a bunch weren't on DVD and probably never will.

Not knowing what to do, I decided to leave these reviews the way they are and seperate them into a new feature called "The VHS Dump", which are movies that were only reviewed on VHS and I have no ways of getting the images for.

"But Jason, there are ways to hook up a VCR to your computer to get images"
True, but it costs money and computer installation know-how and I don't have neither, so hell with it, VHS Dump it is!

This also gives me a good excuse to review these VHS movies that have that also appear to never show up on DVD. So if you'd like to see what these VHS movies are, take a look at this page.
-Jason