This post is a combination of several things. First off, it's an entry in the B-Movie meatloaf that's going on over at StrictlySplatter.com. Secondly, it's a Old School Summer entry cause I now own this DVD. Oh and third, it's my 1000th post motherfuckers!! To all you naysayers I say....yeah you had every right to be skeptical. Anyway, to celebrate I thought I'd give the honor to this movie. Why you may ask? Because not only is "The Haunting of Whaley House" a The Asylum movie but I actually know the dude who made it! That hardly happens!
Yes, the guy who made the movie, one Jose Prendes, is the co-owner of StrictlySplatter.com. Yes, the same website that hosts the B-Movie Meatloaf. Don't think too much about how all of this works cause you'll have a headache the size of Antarctica. Anyway, I promised Jose I would give an honest review of the movie and not hold back any punches. He appreciated that and is waiting a honest review. And here it is.
It was a great movie. GOODNIGHT!
Ok, no. Seriously. The movie starts with three dudes outside the titular house, talking about how it's haunted and they should go in. Two of the three don't wanna go in and after a weird slightly racist comment, one dude throws a rock into the window and says "There. Now we can go in." I'm not sure how THAT was gonna let them in but whatever. But they don't go in cause the rock thrower spots a ghost giving him the mean eye and of course the guy walks backwards into the street and of course he gets hit by a bus. I hate when buses show up right when I walk backwards into streets. Such bad timing.
Cut to the next day and Penny works at the house, giving tours. She just started but seems to have a lot of knowledge about the place. When I started at my current job, it took me 2 years to learn all this technology info, but her only a month or so to learn the entire family history of The Whaleys. To save some time later, I'll tell you the history now if I remember it.
A family lived in the house a long ass time ago and a bunch of people died in the house, kinda horribly. The father of the house died somewhere else but he hangs around the house to protect the family. That's pretty much all you need to know. Oh and the daughter of the family shot herself in the heart. That's it.
Anyway, Penny is giving a tour and some lady in the tour starts freaking out cause she sees shit like people roaming around and a rocking chair moving on it's own. Soon, she starts choking and is taken to the hospital. Some old lady that owns the house I guess tells Penny she got the job for a special reason but we never learn why until the end.
Later, Penny is with her friends and I'm gonna say right now she's got the douchest friends ever. Especially the main guy named Craig. It didn't help he looked like a weird combination of Seth Rogan and Rob Thomas from Matchbox 20. Anyway, Craig finds out where Penny works and almost begs her to take them there. One chick who's name I forget so lets call her Roxy doesn't wanna go but everyone else does.
|In case you forgot, this is what Rob Thomas looks like.|
To prove how much of a douche he is, Craig invites two other dudes, one named Ray who is the biggest dork I've ever seen, and a psychic named Keith. They are paranormal investigators and they wanna check out the house for ghosts and shit. Penny is like "NO DON'T TOUCH SHIT! RAWR!!" but doesn't think anything about a glass scraping across a floor. Whatever.
Ray pulls out the glass as a fake Ouija board (I'm guess Jose and/or The Asylum couldn't get the rights to an actual Ouija board) and get in contact with a ghost. The ghosts seem to like Penny a whole lot. Anyway, they finish up Glass Ouija and investigate the rest of the house. Keith starts spouting off some weird ghost/psychic mumbo-jumbo talking about vortexes and portals or something. Then before things get too boring, people start dying.
Oh before I forget, I LOVED the out-of-place boobie shot. That's all I'll say about that.
First Roxy is killed and Craig gets all stupid, douchey, and paranoid by refusing to call the police cause they might think they killed her on purpose. I don't know what kind of sense that makes but Penny manages to get through to the police. But then Ray has the funniest freak out moment I've ever seen when he starts yelling at the ghosts and soon they kill him too. The rest run upstairs, where a chick who looked like Sara Bareilles gets grabbed by a ghost and somehow this burns her or something.
|This is what Sara Bareilles looks like.|
They lock themselves in a room and before I could ask "how about breaking a window" Jose gives me an answer: the ghosts won't let them break anything. If they try, they will get murdered. Alrighty then. Good one, Jose. So they're in this room when the cops show up. One cop is immediately killed by a ghost while the other runs upstairs. At some point the douchey guy is killed and I went "YAY!" then Sara Barilles gets possessed and tells them they won't escape. Meanwhile, Keith makes it to the attic and something happens but it was too damn dark to make out what happened. I'm gonna say Keith got sucked into the vortex. That works.
Anyway, Sara Barilles decides to kill herself by shooting herself in the heart, the other cop dies somehow, and now it's just Penny and the boyfriend left. They run into the attic where the boyfriend is killed and soon it's just Penny. Soon, the ghosts make an appearance and we discover that Penny looks like the family's daughter and they think she should stay with them. She screams at them for awhile until they just go away on their own and Penny rather stupidly falls down the damn stairs and dies. I'm not even kidding. It was literally "Yay I survived." *trip* "Oops!" and she died. I....ok.
So now Penny is a ghost in this house FOREVER!! And that's the end. I will admit it wasn't your standard The Asylum fair in that I didn't wanna stab my brain out with a spoon. Did the movie have problems, at least plot/story wise? A bit. But I will say Jose is a really awesome director and I can't wait to see what else he has for us. Oh and Jose, if you need a quote for the DVD box, you can some of these:
"...I didn't wanna stab my brain out with a spoon!"-Jason Soto Invasion of the B-Movies
"Heart pounding! Thrill seeking! Words!"-Jason Soto Invasion of the B-Movies
"It's a movie!"-Jason Soto Invasion of the B-Movies
"This......movie.......[can be] awesome!"-Jason Soto Invasion of the B-Movies
"BOOBIES!"-Jason Soto Invasion of the B-Movie
OH! And this movie doesn't come out until this Tuesday! So I say check it out! And mucho thanks to Jose for giving me a copy.