Friday, September 28, 2012

Found Footage Fest 2012!

So if you seen the video I posted last week, you know the blog-a-thon I will be doing for the month of October is going to be Found Footage movies! There's a SHIT TON of found footage movies (I guess they're easy to make. OH WAIT THEY TOTALLY ARE EASY TO MAKE!) and I decided to watch as many as I could in one month. Over to the right is a list of films I HOPE to be seeing during this blog-a-thon. Notice a couple of those are theatrical releases. I've never done that before here, so I'm looking forward to that!

Any event, I'm looking forward to doing this and I hope you're looking forward to reading my reviews. I'm sure by Oct. 31st I will be out of my mind and SICK of found footage movies but we'll cross that bridge when we come to it. Anyway, here's to hoping I can last a month with this image on my site:

jibblie jibblie jibblie jibblie

Wednesday, September 26, 2012

King Kong vs Godzilla

I've seen this movie a few times before reviewing it now and one thing always baffles me. Which I'll get to later. And I know certain people care about these things, so if you're one of them, and you don't wanna know who wins the big fight, don't read this review, or at least the end of it.

American news anchor Eric Carter sits in his giant roulette table in outer space and reports that some crazy ass shit is going down. This doctor dude went to this island, found some sort of berry where if you consume it, you'll pass out instantly. It's like vodka in berry form. The doctor says the people on the island are rather stingy about who gets these berries cause they mainly use it to feed their giant god, who has been unseen by outsiders.

Taco (I thought it was Tyco but everyone's clearly saying Taco), a guy who runs a TV station in Toyko, decides to send some guys to this island to bring back this giant god so it'll sing and dance and delight the kids. I think this plot has been used before (Mighty Joe Young, Gorgo, Barney...what you think it's just a guy in a purple suit? Get real!), but that don't stop Taco.

So off goes Sakari and the Nervous Guy, whom I'll name Steve cause it's much easier to type then Nervous Guy, and even easier then whatever his name really is. They, along with the Japanese Gilligan, who I'll just name Gilligan, arrive on the primative island.

Meanwhile, a bunch of knuckleheads on a submarine end up blowing up a glowing piece of rock. It turns out this is Godzilla's fortress of solitude and he's rather pissed off. So he kills the people on the sub and heads to Japan to sow his wild giant oats.

Sakari, Steve, and Gilligan are roaming around the island when, for some odd reason, a giant octopus attacks. Where does he come from? What does he want? Why is he there? We don't know because everyone starts shooting at it. Well, more like start shooting the wall where his image is displayed. The graphics and special effects in this movie isn't exactly Lucasfilm material. Well guess who shows up to destroy the monster and make calimari for everyone?

Donkey Kong. No wait. His brother King Kong. He basically tells the octopus to am-scray, this is my turf, and it does so. Then he gets drunk on Soma (the berry drink) and passes out. The natives start dancing and singing to his tribute. Sakari and Steve kidnap him.

This is one thing I don't understand about this movie. Kong is being carried on a raft by a bigger boat. When Taco arrives via helicopter (Mission Accomplished) and they look at Kong, Sakari mentions not to push down on this plunger because it's connected to the dynamite that's on Kong's raft.

...WHAT?!?! Why would they put dynamite on the raft if they plan on bringing him to Japan all safe-like? This makes NO SENSE!!

But then we realize what the film makers were going for. The Japanese goverment storm the boat and tells them that Kong must be destroyed because he's considered a menance (duh!). So while trying to blow him up, he gets free and chaos ensues.

So now both Godzilla and Kong are stomping around Japan. Everyone's in a big panic and it isn't long before Kong has flashbacks to that day in New York SOOO long ago...hey didn't he die? Hm, maybe not. Anyway, he snatches up Flamaco and climbs a tower and bellows loudly.

Sakari and Fajita splash Kong with Soma and soon he passes out. Realizing the only way to get rid of these two giant problems is to have them fight it out on Mount Fuji! So off they go and it's quite a fight.

Spoiler! Ok, you've been warned.

It looks like Kong is gonna lose but since electricity makes him stronger, and there just happens to be a lighting storm nearby, he comes back to life and kicks Godzilla's ass! That kinda sucked for me cause I happen to like Godzilla.

And that's my other problem with this movie. Godzilla is a Japanese product. So why are all these Japanese people rooting for King Kong? That just seems wrong. And another thing is for some odd reason when this was Americanized, instead of just dubbing the voices into English, which is normal, but they added scenes of American actors talking about Godzilla and King Kong fighting and stuff. It doesn't really make any sense.

Besides all that stuff, this is a fairly entertaining movie. I like that Taco guy. Look out for his classic line "NNNNNNNNNNO!!!!!!!!!!" It'll make you laugh for hours and hours on end.


Godzilla vs Mecha-Godzilla

This is the second Godzilla film I've covered. The first being "King Kong vs Godzilla". I'm not a huge fan of the giant monster from Japan movies. I don't have a problem with them, they're just not my cup of tea. But if I had to pick a favorite monster, I would go with Godzilla. Godzilla movies (at least the small handful I seen) are a bit different than say a Gamera film. First off, not as many annoying kids. Yeah, some films do have annoying kids, but not all of them. But then Gamera is a "friend to all children" so I guess you'd have to load your film with young kids.

"Godzilla vs MechaGodzilla" I've now seen four times and each time is better than the last. My favorite viewing of it had to be at B-Fest in 2008. Whenever you get to watch a movie with a group of rowdy B-Movie fans, especially sleep deprived ones, it's always a good time.

So we start with a girl, Nami, doing some dance in front of some tourists. Nami suddenly stops, has a vision of some previous Godzilla films (I wanna say it was Ghidorah but don't quote me on that), then passes out. When she wakes up, she says some monsters are going to attack. Well, no shit. You live in Japan. Monsters attack every other week.

Meanwhile, Masahika (I'm calling him Masa for short) goes exploring in some caves and he finds some weird metal thing on the ground. It is rather shiny so I could understand how someone would be distracted by it. Meanwhile, Saeko shows up at the cave, taking pictures of everything. Written on the walls are some crude drawings that Saeko translate. Something about two suns, black mountains, and some monsters. Again with the monsters. Also in this cave is a small statue of King Caesar, some god worshiped by the Azumis, an ancient tribe. Also Nami is a decedent of this tribe.

Saeko takes the statue to her lab and of course she's all alone in this lab, so not one but two guys sneak behind her and watch her work on this statue. I guess both guys freaked each other out so they don't attack her right then and there.

Soon, she's on an airplane and she meets Shimizu (Shim for short) and they seem to hit it off, so quickly that they immediately talk about the statue and the Azumis prophecy about the monsters and shit. Meanwhile, one of the sneaky guys from earlier is now on the plane. He looks like a Japanese Johnny Cash, with the black coat and cool sunglasses. You never really learn what his deal is until the end of the movie. But his coolness is no match for what's happening outside the plane: a giant floating black mountain! GASP! IT'S 2012!!!!!! Oh wait...

Shim was one of the tourist at the beginning when Nami has her stupid vision and the way he flashbacks about this? Showing the same scene in multiple boxes on the screen. What, does he have the memory of a fly or some shit? The fuck.


Turns out Shim and Saeko are heading to the same place, Professor Miyajima (Miya). He's Shim's uncle. And Masa is Shim's brother. Or something. I don't wanna be accused of being racist by saying everyone in Japan is related to each other. Any event, they're studying the statue when one of the creepy guys from earlier breaks in with a gun, demanding the statue.

Shim gets the jump on him and a struggle ensues. I'll make a note here that the Professor did NOTHING during the struggle, even when the creepy guy, now gunless, was putting a pillow over Shim's face and almost suffocated him. I swear at B-Fest, we shouted "DO SOMETHING, ASSHOLE!" throughout that entire scene. Eventually, Shim overpowers creepy guy and he runs away, without the statue. NO THANKS TO THE PROFESSOR!! No wonder he's referred to as "and the rest".

So Nami's grandfather is hilarious in this movie. Anytime he's comes on screen, he's just stumbling around, screaming, looking like he's spazzing out over nothing. Here, he's freaking out about the statue being missing and him needed it to make King Caesar arise in case the prophecy does come true.

Meanwhile, Godzilla shows up. Just like that. He shows up and starts attacking Japan. He knocks building over, and he's just a major asshole all of a sudden. Everyone is confused by this and think he's just stoned or something. I call it the "Charlie Sheen Effect". (That's right, I'm keeping this review current!)

At one point one of Godzilla's friends Anguirus shows up. After admitting I don't watch many Godzilla films, I'm gonna come out and say I'm not familiar with Anguirus. I know he's mentioned on the back of the DVD case, and Shim thinks it's odd that Godzilla is attacking him. Well, Godzilla and Anguirus fight for a few minutes, with Godzilla kicking his fucking ass. Anguirus gets all emo-y, runs back home, and puts on The Smith's "How Soon Is Now" to get over the pain.

So Godzilla spends most of the day just stomping on Japan. If I was a Japanese person and this happened every other week, I would've just moved by now. Eventually, ANOTHER Godzilla shows up! WHA????? Yeah, people are confused but things become clear when the new Godzilla starts kicking some ass and it's revealed the first a Cyborg!

To prove this, we go to a scene of some guys who are aliens, living in a swank underground bachelor pad. I kept expecting Quagmire to be sitting in the corner. Giggity. Anyway, the head alien, who has some burn mark around his left eye so I called him Left Eye, is proud of his MechaGodzilla. Oh so here's something I wanna talk about.

When Godzilla reveals the robot Godzilla, the "and the rest" is like "Oh of course. He's a robot. A MechaGodzilla if you will", but it turns out the aliens ACTUALLY named him MechaGodzilla! WOW! Good guess Professor! Anyway, just a quick aside. MechaGodzilla and Godzilla are fighting and MechaGodzilla is somewhat winning. Godzilla gets one good lick in, which damages MechaGodzilla. Left Eye calls MechaGodzilla back home while Godzilla goes off to lick his wounds.

The Professor notices a silver brick and realizes it came from MechaGodzilla. So I guess did shit bricks when the real Godzilla showed up. This looks like the piece of metal Masa found and the major conclusion: SPACEMEN!! While talking about this, Shim notices the Professors pipe. Yes, I want to talk about this.

The DVD I was watching puts as default the original Japanese dialogue with English subtitles. I set it up so the dialogue was in English along with the subtitles and not only did I get the following awesome lines of dialogue:

The Professor is like "well I made this pipe out of-" some long metal name. But hilariously, the person typing the subtitles didn't know what the fuck he was saying so he did the following:

God I fucking love this DVD. Oh, and the pipe is able to take out electrical equipment. Hmm...that WON'T be important later on.

Moving on, MechaGodzilla is damaged so Left Eye wants it repaired. The only person, and I mean THE ONLY PERSON who can fix it: The Professor. AH! Maybe The Professor is an alien and that's how he knew MechaGodzilla's name!!

The Professor wants to check out the cave Masa found the first piece of metal. Shim and Saeko meanwhile take a Carnival Cruise. Why? I don't know. But they have the King Caesar statue. I guess they're gonna return the statue to Nami and her hilarious grandfather? I dunno. But on the boat is Japanese Johnny Cash and the creepy robber!

The creepy robber breaks into Saeko's room, looking for the statue. Pfft, like she'll keep that in her bright plaid suitcase, covered by a sweater! Only a moron would-oh, that's exactly what she did. Hm. I think the Japanese don't like women a whole lot.

Meanwhile, Godzilla is somewhere and it's raining. Man, even Godzilla can't get away from the cliche of having it rain on you while you're upset or down. Anyway, he's standing and soon he's struck by several bolts of lighting. Just like all things made in Japan, he needs to be recharged before using.

The creepy robber sneaks away with the statue but Shim finds him and fights him again. Shim shoots the guy and something shocking happens. The robber....turns into a Ape from Planet of the Apes!! I have no idea why this happens!! But he does! Shim is shocked by this, while the robber ape runs away with the statue.

Shim chases the ape, who in true ape fashion, flings stuff at him. Finally, the ape corners Shim and is about to kill him when a gun comes out of nowhere, kills the ape and he falls overboard with the statue. Saeko wakes up and learns her brilliant plan of hiding the statue didn't work.

But none of that is important because Shim hid the REAL statue in the captain's safe! HAHAHA!! So what was the point of chasing the robber ape? Especially after turning into an ape? Whatever, they've landed on the island of Azumis I'm assuming.

Back at the cave, the professor, Masa, and Ikako, the professors daughter (maybe Masa's sister?) are rooting around when the aliens find them. They take them to Left Eye and he tells the professor he has to fix MechaGodzilla or else!! I love that Left Eye has the balls to ask an Earthling to help him fix a monster that's going to be used to take over Earth. Granted, he's threatening him but still. Monster sized balls on this guy.

By the way, this is the huge downtime where Godzilla isn't seen again until the climax of the movie.

The Professor fixes MechaGodzilla and wants Left Eye to let them of. Of course he'll let them go...go to DEATH!!! Left Eye shoves the Professor into the same room as Ikako and Masa and soon the sauna room from Hell is turned on.

Shim and Saeko learn the Professor is missing so Shim goes to the caves to look for them while Saeko does girly things. At the caves, some aliens find Shim and before they can kill him, Japanese Johnny Cash shows up and kills one alien and disarms the other. He reveals himself to be an Interpol agent and that he's gotten wind of this whole alien thing for awhile. When Shim and his gang inserted themselves into this whole mess, he's been following them. So...where was HE when creepy ape guy attacked earlier?

Agent Japanese Johnny Cash makes the surviving alien take them to their headquarters. He sneaks them in and soon they start kicking ass. They find The Professor and the other two sweating to death in the room and let them out. They leave the headquarters and go to Shim's car, but the Agent notices something's wrong and realizes the car is set to explode. Damn.

The Professor wants to go back and stop MechaGodzilla cause he's feeling guilty. Masa and the Agent go with him, while Shim and the two girls go to Nami and her Grandfather to get King Caesar to wake up. Shim and the girls (Shim and the Girls first album King Caesar coming this Spring) arrive and place the statue on an altar but King Caesar is still passed out. Nami knows what she must do: SING! The Grandfather explains that only a direct descendant of the Azumis can wake King Caesar. So she's basically an alarm clock. Too bad he didn't press snooze.

Ok, seriously, the song wasn't bad. It sounded like a Frank Sinatra song. I don't know where the jazz combo band was at but it was a nice touch. Meanwhile, The Professor and his team is too late to stop MechaGodzilla cause he left the headquarters to go fight King Caesar. So they go to the main room where Left Eye is but they get themselves caught like idiots. Maybe think before you rush into a room next time guys?

So MechaGodzilla shows up. King Caesar is like "OK OK OK I'M UP! STOP SINGING!!" and wakes up and immediately does battle with MechaGodzilla. While watching the fight, the Agent reveals his ring can transform into a lock pick. Don't ask how that's possible. Meanwhile the Professor unscrews his handy pipe.

The battle royale starts when Godzilla returns and gets in on the action. MechaGodzilla is kicking both their asses. Godzilla says "I've had enough of this shit" and reveals to have magnetic powers. Ok, to anybody who follows Godzilla a lot more closely than I do, I gotta ask: is this something he always could do? If so, when did that start? Granted, this is probably the first time his foe is made of metal, but still.

Anyway, he magnetizes MechaGodzilla and when he gets close enough, Godzilla holds him while King Caesar punches him in the stomach. If you're a geek like me, you know this move cause you were often in MechaGodzilla's spot. Oh college...

The Agent gets loose, he grabs the Professor's pipe and it breaks MechaGodzilla's controls. The agent manages to kill all the aliens and they run out of the headquarters. With no one controlling him, Godzilla fucking destroys MechaGodzilla until he explodes.

King Caesar high fives Godzilla and goes back to sleep. Godzilla goes back into the ocean until he's needed again in two weeks. Everybody reunites, Nami puts the statue away until they need it in a future sequel and everything has a happy ending. Except Tokyo, which needs to be rebuilt again.

It's stupid as shit but fuck, I love this movie, especially the DVD. I can't recommend this movie high enough. I'm sure someone is going to tell me there are better Godzilla films, but until I come across it, this will forever be my favorite one. You know, there's only one word I can use to describe this movie and that word is ????


The Lair of the Unwanted #41: She's Got A Hard Ticket To Ride

Jason and Nolahn welcome Dylan Fields of Man I Love Films on the show to discuss the Andy Sidaris classic "Hard Ticket To Hawaii". Also discussed is Dylan's prize package he received for winning a contest and the term "gun porn". And finally, Dylan takes on The Game of the Unwanted!

Friday, September 21, 2012


While I was renting "Cabin In The Woods" (short review: fucking awesome movie), I saw this little movie as well. Looking at the cover, I formed the movie in the head and said "That's so fucking ridiculous. I must watch that." So I rented that as well and now here we are. I have see this movie! Yeah! That's more then YOU can say.

Sorry I got snippy. This movie left me in a foul mood.

Alright so we meet David who does one of those fancy jobs where he takes cares of people's stocks or some shit and he's in love with Alice Eve, who played the 10 in "She's Outta My League". But he can't get the nerve to talk to her. So David's friend Corey convinces him to not only stay for the Christmas party but talk to Alice Eve. Yes, I actually forgot her name. My brain is quickly erasing this movie so I better write fast.

David agrees to stay even though he's in a bitter mood about losing a client or something and during the party he gets the courage to talk to her and ask her out. She agrees and also agrees to let David give her a ride home. The problem is David is Corey's Designated Driver so he has to take him home too. This makes for an awkward car ride.

Along the way, Corey wants to get a bite to eat but he needs money so he asks David to stop at the next ATM. They find one and Corey goes to use it and the ATM comes to life and eats him. The end.

Ok, no. I only wish that would happen. Instead through a very annoying character development, David and Alice Eve go into the ATM with Corey. To explain, it's one of those small ATM vestibules with a locked door and you need your debit card to open the doors. Anyway, now that all of our characters are in this ATM room, let the fun begin!

They notice a guy in a winter coat standing outside the ATM, just standing. Only Alice Eve wants to stay in the ATM while the guys are willing to ignore the guy and just leave. But before anyone can do anything, another guy shows up and our Killer goes up to him and kills him for no reason, to prove he's a bad ass. So now that they know he's serious, the shit begins.

That's more or less the movie. The three of them are trapped, not knowing what to do. They try several things to get out like writing HELP on the window, getting a security guard's attention, and finally just make a run for it. The killer manages to kill the guard and stay one step ahead of everybody. And when he's not out front just standing there, he's in the back trying to get a back door open. It's never explained why he wants to open this back door because when it goes to the inside, you don't see the back door. So...I dunno.

Alright, I'm getting bored writing this fucking review so let's just go through it quickly, shall we?

A guy suddenly bursts into the room and they think he's the killer but after killing him, they realize it's not and feel bad.

Corey decides to make a run for it and he runs into a fishing line the killer put up. The killer then comes and kills him.

David keeps trying to kick in the ATM hoping it'd get some the cops attention but that doesn't do any good.

The killer finally gets bored (like us) and manages to get a fire hose into the ATM and fill it with water while blocking the front door. Then the killer grabs a seat outside the ATM and watches all the fun.

David and Alice Eve decides to activate the fire alarm by starting a fire but Alice Eve slips on some water and this kills her.

The killer drives ANOTHER car through the ATM, which allows the water and David to escape. David manages to make a Molotov cocktail and thinks he set the killer on fire but he hasn't. Then the cops show up and of course, the cops think David lost his fucking mind and arrest him. THEN WE GET A TWIST ENDING!

SPOILER ALERT we never find out who the killer is. And he just some dude who plans murders around ATM's...I guess. Anyway, THE END!

The only reason I kept watching was to see if we ever find out who the killer was but we don't, so it's a frustrating boring film. I guess people might like the fact the killer was just some guy out ruining people's lives but they kept hiding his face, making it seem like it was someone we knew. I dunno, I don't recommend this movie in the least bit. If you want something better, watch "Frozen". This is almost the same movie, minus the pissing and wolves.


Thursday, September 20, 2012

I Also Have Adventures When I Leave My House: The Chicago Meet Up

(Title thanks to Nolahn from The Bargain Bin Review)

Sometime in the summer, I got an email by fellow LAMB and good friend Tom Clift of Movie Reviews By Tom Clift, who is from Australia, saying he's coming to America. Looking over the cities he would be hitting up, I saw he was coming to Chicago. Being that A-I use to live in the shadow of Chicago for 28 years and B-It's still about a 3-4 hour ride away I said "Fuck yeah!" Tom wrote back saying "...what?" And I said "Oh sorry. I meant to say FUCK YEAH I'LL MEET YOU IN CHICAGO!"

As an added bonus, Steve Honeywell from 1001plus emailed as well saying "Yeah me too!" Awesome! I get to meet TWO awesome LAMB members for the price of...however much it'd cost me to get up there. Hmm...Greyhound bus+train it was pricey.

But that don't matter. We agreed to meet up at a really awesome pizza restaurant that's across the street from The SEARS Tower (What you talking about Willis?) because if an Aussie Bloke is gonna come into MY city, he's gonna eat REAL food. Because of my train, I got to the restaurant about 25 minutes early. I texted both Tom and Steve telling them to look out for a short haired goofy looking bastard in a Human Centipede T-Shirt outside the place. While I was waiting, something interesting happened.

A real fancy and sleek black towncar pulled up right in front of me and my thought was "Whoa, is Tom a celebrity in Chicago?" A driver got out and opened the back door and....a girl got out. She looked...familiar. She looked like...


Anyway, the girl looked at the SEARS Tower, got immediately back in,  and the car drove away. Ok then.

Not too long after that Tom showed up. I recognized him not only from his Twitter picture but his work on The Vlog (watch the latest episode if you haven't, it's full of talent if you ask me) and we greeted each other. After about two minutes, Steve showed up and we went inside to eat fucking awesome pizza!

We talked a bit, mainly about the difference in food between America and Australia and me and Steve recommending what types of food to try out while he's in town. After we were stuffed by stuffed pizza, I decided to take Steve and Tom to a store I LOVE going to: used DVD shop!

This involved getting on the "L" train. Thankfully, the place was RIGHT at the train stop. Unfortuately, Steve and Tom learn something about me that many people don't know about me: I have a tiny ass bladder. I have to pee constantly. So we found a place with a public bathroom and it was one of those bathrooms that only took one person at a time, so something funny happened: we all had revolving conversations. When Steve was in the bathroom, me and Tom talked about The Simpsons. When Tom was in the bathroom, me and Steve talked about the Batman films and how Steve doesn't like one of them. I'll let you guess which one, and then tell you that you are wrong cause he doesn't like one of the popular ones. Shocking, I know. Anyway, while I was in the bathroom, they talked about Tim Burton and got a cute girl who was waiting to use the women's bathroom involved in the conversation. Lesson learned: Tom and Steve without me can attract cute girls.

Anyway, we then went to the shop and all three of us was in heaven. We just kept pointing to DVD's and asking each other if we seen them. Tom says he has a hard time finding good uncut versions of certain movies back at home. Steve found some movies he's been looking for. I found some great movies based on titles alone, along with a couple other awesome movies. I'll share those in an upcoming DVD Shelf video. There was ONE movie I ALMOST bought but the cost bugged me. It was the first Pumpkinhead film, and they wanted 15 bucks for it. I really wrestled with it in my head but decided to wait. God, I hope I don't regret that.

After half an hour or so, we decided we needed to leave before we spent all of our money there. Steve wanted to go to a small bookshop next door and that was an interesting experience because the owner was some cranky old guy who wanted us to turn our cellphones off, put our leftover food on the counter, and GET OFF HIS LAWN!! He might've talked to a chair at one point, I wasn't sure.

Anyway, my reason to bring this store up was the porn section. Yes, a musty old bookstore run by a cranky guy had an interesting porn section. There was old issues of Playboy, old issues of Celebrity Skin (Google it if you're not familiar. And you're welcome) and the best thing of all, OLD SCHOOL VHS PORN! The ones that came in those giant ass boxes. I was tempted, really tempted, to buy one of them. But that would've been awkward walking around with it. Maybe next time...

After that, we just kinda walked around everywhere, showed Tom some cool buildings which he took a lot of pictures of, talked about all kinds of movies and our lives and stuff. At one point Tom and Steve talked about sports and I tuned out. Mainly cause I needed to use the bathroom. AGAIN. Oh and we talked about the plain vs peanut M&M controversy I was involved in last month. Thankfully, Tom and Steve were on my side. PLAIN M&M's ALL THE WAY BABY!!!

One stop we made was at Millennium Park to visit the famous Bean AKA Heaven's Gate. If you're ever in Chicago, go check it out.

While thinking about what else to do, Steve gets the wonderful idea to take Tom to this restaurant for dinner called Ed Debevics. If you are not familiar, their whole thing is they are purposefully rude to you, but in a fun way. They throw straws at you, just say "WHAT?!", and even sit down next to you while you order. So naturally, when our waiter found out Tom was Australian, the place went crazy. They kept asking him to say things, they asked about eating kangaroos (Yes they eat kangaroo), and other stereotypical things. Thankfully, Tom is a wonderful sport and LOVED the whole thing. To put the perfect cap on it, they played this song:

During all that, we talked some more. Tom told me about some awesome upcoming horror movies he saw in Toronto like "V/H/S", "The ABC's of Death", "John Dies At The End", and the documentary on 'The Shining" called "Room 237". After I got extremely jealous he got to see all these movies I've been dying to see, we left (after I peed roughly 20 times) and not knowing what else to do, we just went our own separate ways. But first we took this picture:

It was really awesome to meet both Tom and Steve. I wish I could hang out with them if not every day at least once a week. If anyone reading this ever gets the chance to meet either of them, I say do it because you will not only have a good time but you might just learn some shit. Tom, Steve: seriously guys if you ever find your way in Indianapolis, come look me up. I will hang out with you guys anytime.

Now if you excuse me, some of this kangaroo meat Tom gave me needs to be put away.

Tuesday, September 11, 2012

The Lair of the Unwanted #40: Beats Watching Jersey Shore

In this episode of The Lair of the Unwanted, Jason and Nolahn discuss the 1986 film "TerrorVision", which must be seen to be believed.

Before that, we get a winner a contest Jason completely forgot about and they discuss what movies would make good TV shows. It's definitely the most epic Come Clean ever.

Friday, September 07, 2012

The Soto List: Top Five Controversies I've Been Involved In

You wouldn't know it by looking at me or reading my website but apparently I'm the biggest troublemaker this side of Hitler.

A face only a mother could love.

The year isn't even over yet and already I've been through a shit ton of drama. It's hard to believe it but I can literally count five instances in the past 9 months that's been such a huge pain in my ass. You reading this may or may not be aware of these problems, so I'm gonna just blow it all open right now and reveal them all to you. Here goes.

5. A few months back, some friends of mine decided to let everyone know how hot these certain girls were. I agreed. We all were at Burning Man and it got to about 110 degrees and a lot of girls were sweating. My two friends were like 'hey you're hot' and the girls were like "NO!" And I said "Uh...there's nothing wrong with us telling you about your pitt stains. Besides, why are you wearing something with sleeves here in the desert anyway?" And apparently they got pissed off at my poor fashion sense and hit me over the head several times. Oh well, be that way. Just sweat to death. See if I care. I'll just be here here tripping on LSD.

4. Some time ago, I was a guest on a podcast where me and a group of people had to defend our opinion about a certain movie while one guy said we were all wrong. I wouldn't have minded that so much if the guy made sense. The movie? "Jack and Jill". This guy LOVED it while me and half the world's population TRIED our damnest to tell this guy why he's wrong. I said to him "Dude, I watch shitty movies for a hobby and even I know this movie fucking sucks" and he was like "No way, man! This is the best Sandler movie since "Bedtime Stories" I LOVE movies like this! WOO!!" And it just drove me crazy so I had to tell the dude he was a major douchenozzle. This put some people off and I had to remain quiet for the rest of the podcast.

3. I'm probably never going to recommend a movie to anybody ever again. A friend of mine was like "OMG! This movie is totes awesome to the MAXXX!!" And after I asked him why he was talking like that he said "It's a result of this movie!" And apparently this movie gave him 87 blowjobs and made him steak dinners for a month. I wanted 87 blowjobs and a bunch of steak dinners so I watched this movie and what I got was a blowjob involving braces and a Tofu burger. This upset my friend who went and told me to go to Hell. I said "Fine!" and went to Michigan. While there, I suggested he watch a movie that gave me decent enough blowjobs and at least knew how to make bacon, he ended up not liking it. This happened a few more times until I got frustrated and made him watch "Murder Set Pieces". I haven't heard from him ever again.

2. I won an award recently and when I went up to the podium to accept it something happened. Now what the people saw was me grabbing the award, go "WOO!!", and walk off without thanking everybody. What really happened was this. My name is called and as I walk past all my fellow employees at work, who all were also up for the award of BEST DOOR GREETER,  I noticed them all glaring at me. I had this awesome speech in mind where I was gonna point to everybody in the crowd and pretend to be Oprah and say "YOU WON AN AWARD! AND YOU WON AN AWARD! AND YOU WON AN AWARD!!" but I was a bit put off by the stink eye. So I wasn't paying attention to where I was going and I tripped on the last step and fell forward, while grabbing the award. The "WOO" was actually me saying "HOLY FUCKING SHIT THIS STEP IS TOTALLY TRIPPING ME I'M ABOUT TO FALL OFF THIS STAGE YOU GUYS!!" and tumbling behind the curtain. I ended up twisting my ankle and had to go to the emergency room. So needless to say, a bunch of people made a big deal about something that didn't really matter and got upset with me. The next day, I wrote on the side of the building "I'M SORRY!!" and drew a frowny face next to it. I later blamed it on Banksy.

1. This is the big one folks. Here we go. On another website we all had to secretly pick which M&M we liked better, plain or peanut. Clearly, I like plain because I don't like nuts, but EVERYBODY loves nuts and people voted for nuts. I said "Eh, whatever. Just cause you like nuts doesn't make you better than me." And I moved on with my life. Apparently this one innocent comment started the biggest shit storm you could ever imagine. This other guy was like "FUCK YOU, PLAIN GUY!! I love nuts more!!! In and my friends are gonna prove it by liking nuts a whole bunch so your plain M&M's can lose and BURN IN HELL!!" I was like "...what?" And the guy said "What do you mean by '...what?' Is that a personal attack?! Just cause you like plain and I like nuts doesn't mean you have to act like a douchebag!" I said "Whoa dude, I'm sorry" but apparently he didn't get that message so he went on and on about how Peanut M&M's is the best and anyone who likes Plain M&M's belong in hell and all of his friends agreed while I'm here like "Dude, I just don't like nuts, what do you want from me?" Anyway, there's a WHOLE lot more to that that involved those pretzel M&M's and the dark chocolate M&M's but it got really brutal and I personally don't feel like reliving the whole thing. I just stopped talking to the guy and let him rant about nuts on his own. Maybe eventually he'll see my side of the story and try plain M&M's at least ONCE but who knows if that day will ever come. *sigh*

And that's it. It's hard to believe all the shit I've been through in the past nine months. But I guess I just attract this kind of trouble and I always will. That's why my middle name is DANGER!! Or is it Englebert? I forget.