Jason & Mary Get B.T.K'd: B.T.K

Mary's portion of the review will be done in italics. Like so:

(I am here to vicariously review a film I haven't seen. Let's see how well I can pull it off.)

It's inevitable that if a serial killer exists, they must get a movie made about them. Which sucks cause in the end, it's really what they want. Sadly, there are always coked up guys who think it is a good idea to make a movie about these sickos.

The B.T.K is no exception. I was not familar with Mr. T.K until my friend Mary mentioned him one day. Not knowing anything, she showed me this website that went into pretty scary detail about this guy.. The truth behind this guy is a bit disturbing so I won't be sharing everything. But after hearing about it, I recalled seeing a movie at my nearby Blockbuster called B.T.K and wondered if it was in fact about him. After much searching on Netflix I found there was not one but THREE movies based on this guy. I told Mary this and she, being her, kinda went off.

(Thank you, Jason. Yes, sadly, Mr T.K. actually exists, and it is this existance which unfortunately took ten innocent lives but also, let's not forget, inspired a trilogy of shitty ass movies. It just gives you more reason to want the guy dead.)

So I got to wondering, how close to the truth did these movies get? Well, I have a Netflix account and a friend with some knowledge. Let's just see how close to the truth Mr. Coke Producer gets. So what we'll do is I'll do all the hard work, like watch the movie and write about it, then show Mary the review and let her tell us how close it is or how much they fucked up. Should be interesting.

(Yes, it will be interesting. I can see the coked out producers in my mind and its like, they're all wearing slick pink guido shirts with popped collars and have meticulously spiked black hair and lip gloss on.)

First up is "B.T.K" starring one Mr. Kane Hodder. Yes, THAT Kane Hodder. Here, he plays the main character Dennis L. Rader aka the B.T.K Killer. Apparently Mr. Hodder is in good shape and Mr. Rader probably wasn't, so they had to apply some latex fat to his face, which was uber distracting cause it was very visible.

(Gross!)

The movie starts with Dennis checking into a hotel and calling up a prostitute. Dennis falls asleep and had a yellow dream about a tied up chick in a grave. Then the credits flash up and some actual pictures from the crime scene show up. I know cause they were on that site Mary showed me.

(Well, at least there was a little truth in it. Those pictures are unbeliveably disturbing.)

After the credits, the ho arrives and some uncomfortable sexy talk ensues. Dennis insists on being tied up and Miss Ho does. It kinda turns into a comedy cause at first he wants his hands bound with rope. Soon, we see on the bed more rope, plastic ties, duct tape, and lord only knows what else. We pan over and find Dennis all tied up to a chair with ropes going everywhere. He keeps screaming "tighter!! TIGHTER!!" which freaks out Miss Ho. She excuses herself and escapes through the bathroom window. Someone should tell her it's coming IN through the bathroom window.

(Hmm. I tried to come up with something to say about this but I can't think of anything except that I'm glad I didn't see it.)

I guess the girl didn't do a good job tieing him up cause he easily breaks free and finds she escaped. Of course she dropped her purse and her I.D was inside. Her name: Kimberly Doe. Honest.

Click to view bigger. The name clearly says Kimberly Doe but the signiture is "John Doe".

Dennis then wakes up at home and we get a brief glimpse into his life. He's married with two daughters, one a red head. He has a job as a compliance officer, which pretty much means he drives around and acts like an asshole to everyone. He gives citations on grass being too long or being parked on a sidewalk or dogs running away.

(According to every reliable source available, Rader had a son and a daughter. Oh well. Stupid detail. They got the compliance officer shit right anyway.)

He finds one chick (By the way, majority of these women don't have names) and checks out her ass. He cites her for parking on the sidewalk. Later that night, she's complaining to her husband over the phone about Dennis. And look who pops up outside.

This scene is hilarious. Ok so she gets off the phone and sits down to eat. Dennis is in the house and is practically 5 feet away from her but she don't notice. He hides. She hears a noise and goes upstairs to investigates. She decides to turn the lights off, gets undressed...and goes to sleep!! Um, lady, you were JUST EATING!!

A bit later, there's another noise downstairs. She goes down to check it out and remembers she was eating. Maybe she's got that Memento disease. Dennis makes his move and points a gun at her. Then he goes on about how he doesn't get any at home and she'll do just fine. When the lady is ready for Kane Hodder rape, he pulls out a plastic bag and suffocates her.

So I thought what was happening was he was gonna kill all the chicks we saw earlier and his motives were cause they weren't perfect in his eyes. I guess he just thought this first lady was the hottest.

(Didn't he murder an entire family? Look it up.)

We get some more scenes of Dennis driving around, yelling at people. Some teenage girl comes up to him asking about a dog. He says he got the dog in the back of his van. The girl stupidly believes him and looks for it when he knocks her out.. And look who comes by, his pastor. The Pastor is there to tell Dennis that he will be the "Church President". Is there such a thing? I wonder.

(Yeah he really was Church President, that's actually true and thats one of the things that makes the case so terrifying.)

Anyway, Dennis gets in his van with the teenage chick and starts driving. Soon, he spots a little girl, probably about 10, walking around. He stops and convinces her to let him take her home. After a few minutes, the girl gets in.

Bitchy little girl showin' Mr. T.K some 'tude!

The movie makes us think that Dennis is gonna do something to the girl. He starts acting all weird and takes some other way to get to the girls house, and even locks the doors. The girl gets weirded out. There's a part where the girl notices Dennis' cop radio and he tells her "Hey you wanna say something on it? Say anything you want!" This doesn't pan out but I wondered what she said.

Anyway, nothing happens as Dennis does return the girl back home. He lectures her mom for letting a little girl roam around cause there are some weird people out there, ya know.

(Don't know about this.)

Later that night, he has the teenage girl he bonked on the head in a grave and he bound and tied himself and took a picture of himself next to her in the grave, which is another thing I know he did to different victims. After taking the picture, he kills he girl with a shovel.


(A shovel? Naah. Did they even bother reading anything on this man, let alone how small and irrelevant? I have a feeling they skimmed a lot of important stuff over. Cheap.)

Some other point of time, Dennis is outside a house and a girl, possible another teenager, is sneaking her boyfriend Ricky into her house. I know his name is Ricky cause she says his name a million times. While they're making out, Dennis appears and acts like a robber. Ricky pretends to be tough but Dennis pulls out a gun that apparently shoots gernades cause half of Ricky's face is blown off and the girl is drenched in blood. After toying with her, he eventually kills her.

Ricky, don't lose your life. It's the only one you want...

Pictured: Ricky after getting shot with the notorious B.T.K weapon: The Gernade Gun

(Yeah that kind of happened. C-.)

Dennis has some secret workshop at home that no one is allowed in. It is here that he keeps all the pictures he takes and writes these notes to the cops. It's stated in the movie that all these events are taking place 20 years after the original killings. See, this BTK guy killed sometime ago and he stopped, but now he's starting up again, by sending letters to newspapers and TV stations.

(Yeah why the hell not?)

The wife apparently doesn't think to look into this secret workshop even though he keeps the key right on the fuckin' doorframe. This movie hardly dives into the relationship between Dennis and his family. We do know that he wishes he had sons and as a result was never involved in his daughter's life. And he treats his wife like shit.

(I fortunately dont know anything about his family life. Sorry.)

After a quick scene of Dennis in church, he is planning a Boy Scout trip. He and his wife get into a fight cause he never takes the daughters out. I had a laugh here cause she storms out and he simply mutters "I love you. Bitch." Oh Kane, you funny.

Dialouge from the daughters later reveal the Boy Scout trip was cancelled, so Mom makes up something saying she was wrong, but she has a look of worry on her face. Either she knows he's the killer or suspects he's cheating. And frankly ladies, which is worse, am I right?

(He was active in his son's Boy Scout troup, that's for true. Yet another creepy detail.)

Turns out Dennis is taking a road trip to find Kim Doe from the beginning. He finds her house and turns out she's married and her husband doesn't know she's a ho. Dennis forces his way into her house and I guess her husband is a super heavy sleeper cause she screamed all throughout the house and up until they went into the bedroom and it took Dennis kicking him to wake up, finally.

Dennis tells Hubby about Kim's secret and he's pissed. Then Dennis shoots him with the gernade gun. Kim is more mad that Dennis shot her husband than concerned that she's gonna die. Dennis climbs on top of Kim and starts choking her. We get a POV shot of her passing out and then the movie gets all "Natural Born Killers" on us.

Imagine this being the last thing you see before you die.

Kim is replaced by one of Dennis' daughters as she's screaming, why are you doing this to me Daddy? Dennis freaks out and carries her outside, where she turns back to Kim. Kim is still pissed about losing her husband and begs to be killed but Dennis has a change of heart and simply leaves.

(Really? Les incompetants. You can't just go and make a dang non-fiction movie about somebody who is real and did real things that are fact and then just make entire plot points up yourself.)


At Chez Rader, Mrs. Rader gets a call and either hears the funniest thing in the world or she's upset. Either way it looks like she's laughing. It's not revealed what the phone call was about so don't worry about it.

Back to Dennis, he's having Oliver Stone-esque flashbacks and soon is pulled over by a cop. Uh-oh! Things get turned cause now Dennis is getting berated by an asshole with a badge. But Dennis is special. He spots a car coming and when it gets near, he shoves the cop right into the car, then pulls off. Even though he was simply hit by a car, it looked like he was thrown into a woodchipper, than someone pulled him back out.

Back at The Rader's the cops show up and ask Mrs. Rader some questions about the B.T.K killer. She freaks out and one of the daughters is glad her dad is a killer cause she hates him for all the reasons I stated earlier. Soon, Dennis shows up, goes into his workshop, and throws a fit, trashing the place. He then goes into the house and tells his wife he "did some bad things" and "he's gotta go away". After a tearful hug, he leaves. But the cops were either out having doughnuts or something cause they come back in too late.

Pictured: Mrs. B.T.K hearing some bad news and "crying".

(See above comment)

Soon, Dennis is caught in Witchita and is bought in for questioning. I don't even know how to describe this scene. I'll have to do a Dash List. The following things all happen in order, so try to keep up:

-Dennis is by himself in an interrogation room.
-A cop enters.
-The cop asks if Dennis knows who the B.T.K Killer is. Dennis says he's a fan.
-The cop says that Dennis' DNA matches B.T.K's DNA.
-Dennis asks if the camera is on cause he wants to confess. Cop says talk.
-Cop asks if Dennis knows who the B.T.K Killer is. Dennis says he's a fan.
-The cop says that Dennis' DNA matches B.T.K's DNA
-Dennis asks if the camera is on-
-Dennis is by himself in an interrogation room.
-A cop enters
-The cop says that Dennis' DNA Matches B.T.K's DNA
-Everything turns yellow.

(I love the yellow scenes. It sounds fucking funny as shit.)

Then Dennis wakes up. He is back in bed and the scene is familar to the scene when he woke up at the beginning of the movie at home. He walks out of his house and goes into his workshop, which is back to it's original state, and he starts writing letters to newspapers and TV. The movie comes to an end.

(Huh..well, thats just uuh....huh. Hmm. See me after class. We might have to arrange a parent-teacher conference. I am very disappointed in you. F-)

We'd like to thank Oliver Stone and Quentin Tarantino for writing the last 20 minutes of this movie cause my mind is royally fucked. I don't know what the fuck that was. Was the entire movie a dream? Did he not kill anyone? What??

Anyway, that's "B.T.K" starring Kane Hodder. I don't think I learned too much from this movie besides the stuff that I learned prior to watching this movie. There's even a disclaimer at the beginning that says "this is a fictional account of a real character". So...someone wrote a fanfic about a real serial killer and turned it into a movie. Thanks.

This is probably pointless now but here's Mary to tell us what this movie got wrong. Take it away Mary.

(Thank you, Jason. Right you are. This whole movie just sounds like a god-awful mess. Just rubbish. If your family member was a BTK victim, wouldn't you be pissed off? Pissed off not only that they made a MOVIE about this case, but also because they got so many prominently known facts completely wrong. They didn't even try. Theoretically, you can make a good movie about anything. It's all about dedication and technique. These coke guys, they really mucked it up. Lame! BOO!!!)

-Jason & M.

Mary's Review: American Beauty

WHY AMERICAN BEAUTY CAN SUCK MY NONEXISTANT BALLS
Kevin Spacey needs to be hit

MY FRIEND PAT CALLED IT BEST ON "American Beauty" - I was discussing the film with him and trying to get the words out as to just what made this movie so infuriating. Then he called it. "It's a deep movie for shallow people", he said. He couldn't be more right.

Seriously. Is there anything worse than a film made by a glossy Hollywood union crew that truly believes that it will change the way you look at your life? That's the big sin committed in American Beauty. It's tagline, "Look Closer" is testament to how damn sure this movie is that it will "open your eyes", so to speak.

Kevin Spacey, Anette Bening and Thora Birch play the single most sarcastic family that has ever existed. Since I have a natural aversion to sarcasm, every second, every grating second of this movie irked me. Watching it is like talking to that friend who insists on being sharp in everything they say. If you asked them if they wanted to go to Disney World with you, they would answer, "No, I dont", with a blank grin on their face. Ugh. I hate people like that. And the sarcastic tone goes on, and on, and on...this family is terrible. Kevin Spacey is too smug, Annette Bening tries too hard to be a bitch, and Thora Birch is not appealing in any way, shape, or form, except in the case that you get along with semi-goth girls who hate everyone and everything.

Forget about this family for a minute. There is one character who takes the word "insufferable" and runs with it. That would be the character played by Wes Bently. I don't even remember his name. God dammit, he was the most horrible movie character ever created. The whole sarcasm thing is beat to death with this guy. I guess he's meant to be a sort of wise, young sage or something. His Dad is a Nazi, he sells pot, and he videotapes everything, and walks around with his stupid camera and his stupid skullcap.

This leads me to the famous plastic bag scene. Who wrote this peice of shit? My favourite director, Werner Herzog, has spoken of an "ecstatic truth", which he brings to his films. I believe that this plastic bag scene is an attempt at some ecstatic truth. This attempt fails. It's overexplained, it's got heartstring music in it, and it features Wes Bentley talking about how great plastic bags are. Thora Birch and Wes Bentley sit on the couch together and he tells her, "Sometimes I can't contain the beauty of the world...", as we watch the plastic bag get blown around by the wind. In a good film, the plastic bag would be filmed, but the explaination and flowery language would be gone. There's no need for it. The concept of the plastic bag being a small detail of beauty isn't a bad idea, but it becomes a greeting-card message when all fluffed up like that.

But I digress. This movie sucks. It didn't give me any new insight into my life, or other people's lives. It wanted to, but it tried way too hard. If you want an introspective, horrifying portrayal of an American family, I suggest renting the "homespun murder story", Fargo. And there's no sarcastic assholes in that movie, either.

I hate sarcasm.

-M

(All opinions are those of Mary and Mary alone. Thank you.
-Jason)

Mary's Reviews: Miller's Crossing

A super long ass time ago, when The Site was new, I asked my friend Mary to write about movies for my site, because she has what I consider the most interesting perspective on things and the way she words things kinda amazes me. She did, writing two articles/reviews for me before she vanished into the netherworld known as "the real world". Well, she recently came back to the dark side (the internet) and I realized I had her reviews kinda buried on my site. So I figured I should upload them to here. With that said, two things:
1. Mary is real and not some made up character I swear. If you do not believe me, look on my Facebook and you'll find her name.
2. Things written in Mary's Reviews are the express opinions of Mary and Mary only. Jason Soto, Invasion of the B-Movie, and Up Late Productions do not nessessarily agree with any comments or statements Mary might make. Thank you and have a good day.

MILLER'S CROSSING:
THE COEN BROTHERS DO IT AGAIN & JOHN TURTURRO CRIES LIKE A BABY

I HAD THE CHANCE TO SEE MILLER'S CROSSING, a Coen Brothers film about the mob, and it was in typical Coen Brothers fashion: It was really good. Lots of great characters, lots of great images (the hat in the leaves was fucking genius), lots of great dialogue. But the two things that totally stuck out in my mind about this movie were these:

John Turturro and graphic violence.



Anyone who knows me can tell you of my love for Turturro. The man just makes me happy. He's got a crooked smile and a snaggletooth, he's got sleepy eyes, he's tall and lanky. But he's just so damn lovable. I think he stands in my Top 5 Favourite Actors, and that says a lot, seeing as how I have a lot of "favourite actors". He can play an idiot, a racist, a pedophile, a dad, a playwright, and whatever he wants to be, and he still makes me giggle like a schoolgirl (yeah I know..)

This movie is no exception. He plays Bernie, the brother of a woman who....ah, hell, I don't want to explain the plot. Let me just tell you why he steals this movie.

His character seems to be a bit dim. He pisses off the wrong people totally. They drive him to the woods in typical mob fashion to kill him, and here's where he really shines. It dawns on him that yes, they really are going to put a bullet in his brain, this is his last moment alive. He totally does it up. They drag him out there like a mom dragging a screaming kid away from a toy store. He's bawling, screaming, whining, crying. It's so fucking great. He's just totally losing it. The Man marches him out there, saying nothing, holding out his gun . Bernie is up ahead, turning around constantly and trying to reason with him to not kill him. "I AM NOT SUPPOSED TO DIE, NOT HERE!" - he becomes more and more frantic and panicked. Finally he drops to his knees in the leaves and holds his hands up in plea like one of those old biblical paintings (I wonder who chose that action; the Coens or him?) and starts crying. "Look in your heart!" he yells, "Look in your heart!"

I won't give away what happens with Bernie, and whether The Man actually looks in his heart, but those words come around again once more later on, for one of the more effective death scenes I've seen in a movie. Plus, Turturro is sneaky and greasy and a right total bastard - my crush on him still remains. What the hell is wrong with me?

Also, this movie is so violent it would make Tarantino blush. It's one of those things where you think, "They're not going to show that..." -- but they do. Oh do they ever. People die alot in this movie. But they don't just die; they are beaten, tortured, mocked, humiliated, each death squeezed out for the most pain. The guy who plays the 'Brother Shamus' detective in the Coen's other film The Big Lebowski, has a pretty good role in this one, and man, he's fucking awesome. I began the film by laughing at the fact he was in it; all I could think of was, "Who the fuck are the Knutsons?", but that quickly dissipated. Then I began to kind of get scared of this guy. I mean really scared. What a fucking screwloose.

If it weren't for Turturro and some other things, this movie would be pretty pedestrian. I didn't care about the main character much, he wasn't that interesting. The lady was..eh. Anybody could have played her. But the things that make this movie good, REALLY make it good. I suggest that if you're a fan of violence, good filmmaking, talent or mob movies, you should see this. It's pretty good.

Oh and keep an eye out for Frances McDormand in a really small role as a seceratary. Even back in '90 before she really made a name for herself, she was a bright light in the film. And I think she had like 3 lines. Maybe 4. She's so fucking talented. Good thing they put her in Fargo.

See Miller's Crossing, with my blessing.



-M

Ooohhh, so that's where I got my "-Jason" from. Damn. Guess I owe Mary years of royalties.
-Jason (another 50 bucks down the drain)