Friday, September 07, 2012

The Soto List: Top Five Controversies I've Been Involved In

You wouldn't know it by looking at me or reading my website but apparently I'm the biggest troublemaker this side of Hitler.

A face only a mother could love.

The year isn't even over yet and already I've been through a shit ton of drama. It's hard to believe it but I can literally count five instances in the past 9 months that's been such a huge pain in my ass. You reading this may or may not be aware of these problems, so I'm gonna just blow it all open right now and reveal them all to you. Here goes.

5. A few months back, some friends of mine decided to let everyone know how hot these certain girls were. I agreed. We all were at Burning Man and it got to about 110 degrees and a lot of girls were sweating. My two friends were like 'hey you're hot' and the girls were like "NO!" And I said "Uh...there's nothing wrong with us telling you about your pitt stains. Besides, why are you wearing something with sleeves here in the desert anyway?" And apparently they got pissed off at my poor fashion sense and hit me over the head several times. Oh well, be that way. Just sweat to death. See if I care. I'll just be here here tripping on LSD.

4. Some time ago, I was a guest on a podcast where me and a group of people had to defend our opinion about a certain movie while one guy said we were all wrong. I wouldn't have minded that so much if the guy made sense. The movie? "Jack and Jill". This guy LOVED it while me and half the world's population TRIED our damnest to tell this guy why he's wrong. I said to him "Dude, I watch shitty movies for a hobby and even I know this movie fucking sucks" and he was like "No way, man! This is the best Sandler movie since "Bedtime Stories" I LOVE movies like this! WOO!!" And it just drove me crazy so I had to tell the dude he was a major douchenozzle. This put some people off and I had to remain quiet for the rest of the podcast.

3. I'm probably never going to recommend a movie to anybody ever again. A friend of mine was like "OMG! This movie is totes awesome to the MAXXX!!" And after I asked him why he was talking like that he said "It's a result of this movie!" And apparently this movie gave him 87 blowjobs and made him steak dinners for a month. I wanted 87 blowjobs and a bunch of steak dinners so I watched this movie and what I got was a blowjob involving braces and a Tofu burger. This upset my friend who went and told me to go to Hell. I said "Fine!" and went to Michigan. While there, I suggested he watch a movie that gave me decent enough blowjobs and at least knew how to make bacon, he ended up not liking it. This happened a few more times until I got frustrated and made him watch "Murder Set Pieces". I haven't heard from him ever again.

2. I won an award recently and when I went up to the podium to accept it something happened. Now what the people saw was me grabbing the award, go "WOO!!", and walk off without thanking everybody. What really happened was this. My name is called and as I walk past all my fellow employees at work, who all were also up for the award of BEST DOOR GREETER,  I noticed them all glaring at me. I had this awesome speech in mind where I was gonna point to everybody in the crowd and pretend to be Oprah and say "YOU WON AN AWARD! AND YOU WON AN AWARD! AND YOU WON AN AWARD!!" but I was a bit put off by the stink eye. So I wasn't paying attention to where I was going and I tripped on the last step and fell forward, while grabbing the award. The "WOO" was actually me saying "HOLY FUCKING SHIT THIS STEP IS TOTALLY TRIPPING ME I'M ABOUT TO FALL OFF THIS STAGE YOU GUYS!!" and tumbling behind the curtain. I ended up twisting my ankle and had to go to the emergency room. So needless to say, a bunch of people made a big deal about something that didn't really matter and got upset with me. The next day, I wrote on the side of the building "I'M SORRY!!" and drew a frowny face next to it. I later blamed it on Banksy.

1. This is the big one folks. Here we go. On another website we all had to secretly pick which M&M we liked better, plain or peanut. Clearly, I like plain because I don't like nuts, but EVERYBODY loves nuts and people voted for nuts. I said "Eh, whatever. Just cause you like nuts doesn't make you better than me." And I moved on with my life. Apparently this one innocent comment started the biggest shit storm you could ever imagine. This other guy was like "FUCK YOU, PLAIN GUY!! I love nuts more!!! In and my friends are gonna prove it by liking nuts a whole bunch so your plain M&M's can lose and BURN IN HELL!!" I was like "...what?" And the guy said "What do you mean by '...what?' Is that a personal attack?! Just cause you like plain and I like nuts doesn't mean you have to act like a douchebag!" I said "Whoa dude, I'm sorry" but apparently he didn't get that message so he went on and on about how Peanut M&M's is the best and anyone who likes Plain M&M's belong in hell and all of his friends agreed while I'm here like "Dude, I just don't like nuts, what do you want from me?" Anyway, there's a WHOLE lot more to that that involved those pretzel M&M's and the dark chocolate M&M's but it got really brutal and I personally don't feel like reliving the whole thing. I just stopped talking to the guy and let him rant about nuts on his own. Maybe eventually he'll see my side of the story and try plain M&M's at least ONCE but who knows if that day will ever come. *sigh*

And that's it. It's hard to believe all the shit I've been through in the past nine months. But I guess I just attract this kind of trouble and I always will. That's why my middle name is DANGER!! Or is it Englebert? I forget.


Nick said...

Haha... I think I've figured out most of these. The only one I'm unsure of is #3. Is that the Die-ner/Sante Sangre incident or something else entirely? :P

(If so, I totally wouldn't put it that high up on the list. WTF are you thinking? RARARAR.)

Brittani Burnham said...

Before you made your friend watch Murder-Set-Pieces did you spam a bunch of message boards telling others to watch it too? :)

SJHoneywell said...

Jason, you truly are a magnificent bastard.

Jason Soto said...

Nick: Ummm....maaaaybe?

Brittani: Nah. I don't want EVERYBODY hating me.

Steve: Thanks!

simoncolumb said...

Wow. These are mental.