Wednesday, September 01, 2010

Review of the 10 Minutes I've Watched of Disaster Movie

The other night I was flipping around the channels, looking for something to watch when I came upon "Disaster Movie". I've never seen any of the Seltzer/Friedberg "spoof" movies, including "Date Movie", "Epic Movie", "Meet the Spartians", and more recently, "Vampires Suck". Out of all of them, the only interest I had was seeing "Vampires Suck" cause I fucking hate Twilight with a passion.

So I said fuck it and watch it. It was in the middle of the movie.

Now before I get into the scenes I forced myself to watch, let's dive into the history of one Aaron Seltzer and Jason Friedberg. You wanna know what movies they worked on prior to them teaming up and shoving shit into our faces for a living?

Spy Hard
Scary Movie
Scary Movie 2 (which if you look at the Written by part on IMDB it's like a fucking mile long. Really? THAT many people wrote this movie? I love the first two "Scary Movies", don't get me wrong, but jesus.)

Then after getting some "characters created by" credits, we dive right in to "Date Movie".

Say what you will about "Spy Hard", it's probably the stupidest of the Leslie Neilsen spoof movies (I haven't seen 2001: A Space Travasty yet. I hear that one is the worst), but I like it for what it tries to do. But knowing those ass clowns were involved makes a lot of sense.

Ok, onto "Disaster Movie".

The first thing I saw was a chick in a blue dress doing break dancing movies. This turned out to be that "Enchanted Story" or whatever that movie is called with Amy Adams as a real princess. Why there was breakdancing, I have no clue. It went to three other characters, two regular dudes, and a chick who was suppose to be Juno cause she was pregnant. Juno starts breakdancing on her pregnant stomach and...that's it. That's the joke.'s funny.

With the Enchanted Chick is the Prince (Not Prince, that probably would've been kinda cool) and he just kinda leaves through a sewer. Enchanted Chick hooks up with the black guy named Calvin and throughout the next 9 minutes it's revealed she's really stupid. And slutty. Laugh now.

So a tornado is touching down on the street and I'm guessing what happened was while Seltzer and Friedberg were blowing each other in their writing cabin, they looked in their newspaper and looked at all the movies that were showing in their local theater and wrote them all down.

Within two minutes, we get a scene of Hellboy walking up to the tornado, say an unfunny line, then get hit by a cow for no reason. He simply walks away. Next Iron Man walks up, says an unfunny line, and then gets hit by a cow for no reason. Next up is a regular guy who says "You wouldn't like me when I'm angry" then he turns into the Hulk for no reason and....he gets hit by two cows for no reason.

I haven't laughed yet.

The white guy named Will gets a call on his cell phone. His girlfriend Amy is trapped in a museum and needs rescuing. I guess this was suppose to be a spoof of "Cloverfield" cause Will just kept saying "We gotta get Amy!" and Calvin, Juno, and Enchanted Chick are against the idea.

Juno gets the idea to hide in this warehouse until the tornado blows over. They go in and soon they hear a noise. Soon three stuffed chipmunks appear and they start singing about Christmas. Aww, it's Alvin and the Chipmunks. And they sing...and sing...and sing...Ok so they're singing.

At some point they turn rabid and start chasing the people around. And this goes on FOR FUCKING EVER! Eventually, they attack Juno and...kill her. But before she dies, she says some Juno things like WTF hamburger phone like barf-o-matic or whatever. It's funny.

So they leave the warehouse and soon find themselves at the museum. They find Amy and free her and she tells them this is all happening because the Crystal Skull was removed from where ever. Looking at imdb I see Tony Cox plays Indiana Jones so I'm sure that scene was hilarious with it's small jokes.

Then somehow (I lost track) they get seperated and it starts turning into "Night At The Museum" and...that's when I turned it off. It was that or throw my shoe through my TV, which would've been a great excuse to buy the big screen we been wanting to buy for awhile now. I should've done that.

So yeah. Why these movies keep getting made is beyond me. They're not funny. I hate to say parts of the "Vampire Sucks" trailer made me laugh so maybe when they only focus on one movie instead of trying to parody EVERY FUCKING MOVIE THAT CAME OUT THAT YEAR.

To wrap this up, I find it funny all their titles can be turned into a negetive way to say that movie is horrible.

"THIS movie is a disaster!"
"This ISN'T an Epic Movie!"
"Vampire Sucks sucks!"
"Don't take your DATE to this MOVIE!"
"Meet The Spartans! More like Meet The...Lame...tans..."

Ok, that one doesn't work so well.


Alex said...

More like "Meet the FARTans"! Eh? No?

Of the post-Scary Movie parodies I've only seen Date Movie and that was surely enough. The commercials alone for these films make me disgusted. They're not even really parodies, because that makes them sound like they have a plan or goal. They're just a mash-up of references, stupid humor, and "jokes" that don't make sense. I'm sorry you endured even 10 minutes.

CMrok93 said...

Movie just sucks balls, and sadly I think I'm one of the 10 people that actually saw this on opening night. I know I still haven't been able to forgive myself for it.

Fletch said...

I'm 10000% positive that I got more laughs out of your write-up than I'd ever get from the movie.

I saw Epic the theater. Never make that mistake again.