Sunday, August 05, 2007

List: Movies People Can't Believe I Haven't Seen

It seems that people wish to challenge my "Movie Buff Guy" title by asking me if I seen such and such movie. 9 times out of 10 I can say, with confidence, "Yes!" But then I get someone, usually my fiancee or a co-worker, who asks me "Have you seen blahblahblah?" and I go "uh....no?" The following list is of movies that people just don't believe that I haven't seen yet.

1. The Bourne Movies
You'd think that I would've seen these movies because FINALLY there's a major badass character named Jason. You don't know how many movie's I've seen where a character named Jason would appear and he'd either be an asshole, the villain, or the stupidest guy in the whole entire movie. It didn't help any that in the beginning of "The Day After Tomorrow" Dennis Quaid's character is working with a dude named Jason in Antarctica and he trips on a piece of machinery and next thing you know, Antarctica is being split into 2 thousand pieces. Anyway..

Why I Haven't Seen These Movies: Well, when The Bourne Identity came out I was like, "Hm ok, cool. I'll get around to it eventually." Then before I knew it, there was The Bourne Supremacy. And I was like "Uh...there's a series?" And now we have The Bourne Ultimatum. So honestly, I just didn't have time to catch up before the third one even came out.

Will I See These Movies: Considering my fiancee is a hardcore Jason Bourne fan, and she wants to see Ultimatum, I probably will.


2. The Lord of the Rings Series

When the first movie rolled out in 2001, I was vaguely aware of the book series and knew it had something to do with The Hobbit, which I was more familiar with. Little did I know the HUGE impact this movie would have on the world and how many Tolkin geeks there are out there. And I knew the director Peter Jackson was familiar cause he directed some goofy-ass movies back in the day that I wanted to see (I have now since then watched a few of them he needs to go back to making those kinds of movies).

Why I Haven't Seen These Movies: I have two good reasons.
1. When Fellowship of the Ring came out, I was currently unemployed, so I didn't have the money to see it. Then Two Towers came out and, well, I haven't seen the first one, so why see this one? Same with Return of the King.
2. They are SOOOOO fucking long!!! I mean it's what, 3 hours for each movie? Plus the 90 million endings that occur during "King". I just didn't have the time.

Will I See These Movies: Sure. When I have 72 hours to kill.


3. The Pirates of the Caribbean Movies

I was caught off guard with this one. I heard of the ride and thought to myself "How in the hell do you make a whole entire movie....based on a ride? Three movies to boot?" But goes to show what I know, cause each movie made roughly 900 billion dollars.

Why I Haven't Seen These Movies:
I wasn't interested at first. I mean it looked cool and kinda flash and I was familiar with the director, but I'm not a big pirate movie fan. So I purposely didn't see the first one. But when the next two came out, I felt like the entire world was in on this cool thing and I was just an outsider who didn't "get it".

Will I See These Movies: I'll check out the first one. If I like that one enough, I'll check out the others. If not (insert walk the plank joke here).

4. The Mel Gibson Epic Series
And no I don't mean Lethal Weapon 1 through 4. I'm talking about "Braveheart" "The Passion of the Christ" and "Apocalypto". I'm not sure if The Patriot counts in this series, but I have seen that.

Why I Haven't Seen These Movies: I didn't think I would be into "Braveheart" cause I swear the previews for it made it look like a love story with a little bit of battle in it. But my friend Bill is all like "Dude! This movie is fuckin' awesome!!! You gotta see it!!" and it's in his top 5 favorite movies ever or something.
I'm unsure if I even wanna see Passion of the Christ, since I hear it's just people whipping Jesus for 2 hours straight.
And Apocalypto. Um...I have no fuckin' clue what this movie is even about.

Will I see These Movies: Braveheart-Yes. Passion-Maybe. Apocalypto-If it's on somewhere, I'll watch it. But I won't go out of my way to see it.

5. Anything Directed by Werner Herzog
Apparently there's some guidelines to follow if you wanna be a "movie buff guy" and one of these is to see Werner Herzog movies. And not just ANY Werner Herzog movie. These include "Fitzcarraldo", "Aguirre, The Wrath of God" and "Stroszek", which I actually got to see last year. I'm sure there are a thousand other movies by Herzog that I'm suppose to see, but these seem to be the main ones that pop up on the list of "OH MY GOD JASON YOU NEED TO SEE THIS MOVIE NOW GOD DAMMIT NOW!!"

Why I Haven't Seen These Movies: I didn't even know who the hell Herzog was until I met my friend Mary, who is obsessed with him. And I mean OBSESSED. So when it comes to the Herzog department, I'm a bit backed up.

Will I See These Movies: Within time I'm sure I will. If not, I know a chick in the Boston area that's gonna kill me.

6. Those Japanese/Chinese/Whatever Movies Where People Fly and Fight
I'm including in this "Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon" "Hero" and "The House of Flying Daggers".

Why I Haven't Seen These Movies: Crouching Tiger-Me and my friend Bill tried to watch this once and, well, we couldn't finish it. Not only were we bored, we had no idea what the hell was going on. And didn't really buy the whole "these people can fly and walk up walls and trees" thing. Hero-Out of EVERY movie on this list, when I tell people I haven't seen this one, I literally get beaten up while being ask "What the fuck is wrong with you? See this movie now!!!" and I say "Ok I will when you stop punching me in the head." And, well....I haven't. I don't have a good reason. I just keep forgetting about it. Ow, ow stop punching!
The House of Flying Daggers-I honestly haven't heard of this one, but someone told me that I need to see this and I asked if it was anything like Crouching Tiger and they said yes. Then I just nodded quietly cause this person is obviously a fan of these movies and I'm still sore from the beating I got over "Hero".

Will I See These Movies: Crouching Tiger-No. House of Flying Daggers-No Hero-YES YES JUST LEAVE ME ALONE!!!!

7. Casablanca
Now we're in the "single movie" category of the list. I used this movie has the basis of an April Fools prank in 2006. I claimed that I watched Casablanca and that I hated it so much that I had to review it. Then I posted a link and people was greeted with the "YOUR INTERNET CONNECTION ISN'T WORKING" or whatever message. And it worked. I got a bunch of emails saying "Uh....your site is down". So yeah.

Why I Haven't Seen This Movie: I really don't know. I guess I never got around to it? I mean hell I've seen "Dumpster Baby" for cryin' out loud, why don't I make time for Casablanca?

Will I See This Movie: Yeah, yeah I will. I swear.

8. The Chronicles of Narnia: The Lion, The Witch, and The Wardrobe
The Chronic-what-cles of Narnia!! I watched the cartoon version of this when I was kid, once, in the 5th grade. I don't remember much except that it was animated. And there was in fact a lion, a witch, and a wardrobe.

Why I Haven't Seen This Movie: Honestly, I was suppose to a few times. But plans were changed and I couldn't find anyone else interested in going.

Will I See This Movie: Yeah I'll get to it when I'm done with Lord of the Rings. So I'll need another 50 hours to spare.

9. Citizen Kane
Everyone seems to know that (SPOILER ALERT!!) Rosebud is a sled. But WHY is THAT piece of information so damn important? Guess I need to see the movie to find out.

Why I Haven't Seen This Movie: Frankly, it looks kinda boring to me. I just know these facts about this movie.
1. There's a character named Charles Foster Kane
2. He dies while uttering the word "Rosebud"
3. A snowglobe breaks
4. We find out what rosebud is.
5. ???
6. Profit
But I guess if I need to be an all-around movie guy, this is possible required viewing.

Will I See This Movie: Yeah, why not.

10. Amelie
After the beating I get from Hero, I get asked "Have you at least seen Amelie?" and I go "Um, no". Then I get another beating asking why not and I scream out "I never heard of it until now" then I get beaten even further. Then I ask what it's about and during that beating I'm told it's about a French chick who does stuff and I say that don't sound very interesting and I get shot multiple times.

Why I Haven't Seen This Movie: I never heard of it until a year or two ago, when the first beating started. Then the chick who plays Amelie (I'm assuming that Amelie is the characters name) appeared in The Da Vinci Code and there was buzz about that. So now there seems to be Amelie fever spreading among my friends and I'm possibly the last person who hasn't seen this.

Will I See This Movie: If the death threats and beatings will stop, yes I will.

Well those the first 10 that I can think of. When I get around to watching any of these I will let you know so the beatings can stop. And please share with me any movie that you haven't seen that people give you a hard time about. And also share any movie you THINK I need to see. Just be nice about it please.
-Jason

3 comments:

Adam said...

I'm with you all the way on the constant stream of people saying, "You call yourself a person with a passing interest in cinema and you haven't seen ______?!?"
Of course, half the time, it's YOU doing that to me!

So, let me tell you a little bit about some of the movies you haven't seen...

The Lord of the Rings movies are great, but if you really want to get the most out of them, you'll have to have a steel-trap mind to pay attention to all the allusions to things that you'll have to piece together, and that's IF you watch the extended editons (which help, but don't always clear up everything). Since length is a problem for you, I doubt you'd want to sit through them. Personally, I think you'd hate them anyway.

Herzog is a hit & miss director. Most people would agree that some of his movies aren't that good and others are brilliant. Unfortuantely, I tend to like the ones everybody else hates. I thought his remake of Nosferatu was brilliant, but I wanted to hurl a brick at my TV when watching Aguirre, Wrath of God.

Casablanca really is a great movie and I think it deserves all the acclaim heaped upon it. It gets better everytime I watch it...

...Unlike Citizen Kane, which is a dull movie that feels like it will never end. Most "film buffs" like it because of all the technical aspects that shaped the future of cinema. Do you care about lighting? What about camera angles? Is narrative structure a major concern of yours? You'd do better to skip it.

Amelie is a movie that I like way more than I'd ever want to admit. It's like the cast of Monty Python read some Camus and took some downers and then wrote a romantic comedy.

GodivaDarkHeart said...

Well, to tell you the truth, I think the only movies I've seen on your list are the Pirates movies (which I'm a huge fan of) and Braveheart (because I love Scotland). Everything else I kind of get crap about, especially the Lord of the Rings. I couldn't care less about that crap and I'm proud of it. Apparently, my family also doesn't care, as my mom and brother went to see one of the LOTR movies and walked out halfway through. I also haven't seen the Leo DiCaprio version of Titanic (although I have seen a much less hyped up version with Tim Curry that I found for free at the library) and I never will. I have, however, seen Slamdance with Tom Hulce, Elizabeth Mastrantonio and Adam Ant, which is an event in my life I wish I could forget. Good blog. See you on MySpace! --Rachel

Ms. Go said...

I've seen every movie on your list except Citizen Kane and Casablanca.

The two with the most "movie" cred.

Now, what does that say about me?