Friday, August 10, 2007

The Most Original (Sequel) To A Dance Movie Ever!!!!

I'm not sure what the true purpose for Myspace was, but I'm pretty sure it doesn't involve shitty sequels to shitty movies that people have forgotten about by now.

This rant may seem familar. I made a similar one in November 2006 when Van Wilder 2: The Rise of Taj was coming out. My two main complaints, if you remember that far back, was that it was called "Van Wilder" when the character, played by Ryan Reyonlds, doesn't even appear in the movie. And on the Myspace profile for it (which is still up) screened it's comments and only posted positive comments.

Well, the crappy sequel industy strikes again! This time for a movie that I'm sure not a whole lot of people remember. I'm talking about "Step Up". According to imdb.com, it's got a 5.9 rating. To give you some idea how bad this is, on the Bottom 100, at number 100, is The Neverending Story 3, which is currently at a 2.6. I suck at math, so I dunno how the .6 and the .9's figure in, but Step Up is 2 whole ratings up from Neverending Story 3. That's pretty bad.

But that's not gonna stop them! Because we now have..."Step Up 2 The Streets". No, I didn't forget the colon. It's actually called "Step Up 2 The Streets". I'm wonder if Prince co-wrote this. So why does Step Up need a sequel? Did the first one end with a cliffhanger? What the fuck is Step Up about anyway? Let's see what we can find out without having to watch the movie.

According to wikipedia (the most reliable source I can find), this is the plot:
"Step Up is a 2006 dance/romance film directed by Anne Fletcher starring Channing Tatum and Jenna Dewan.
The movie follows the tale of the disadvantaged Tyler Gage (Channing Tatum) and the privileged ballet dancer Nora Clark (Jenna Dewan), who find themselves paired up in a showcase that determines both of their futures. Realizing that they only have one chance, they finally work together. The movie's official website does not have its own domain; rather, it is hosted through MySpace, and it serves as a community that encourages social networking and discussion about the film."


So...it's a dance/romance movie. No wonder i'm getting a headache thinking about this, those are the two least of my favorite genre films, and they teamed up and decided to rape my brain. The wiki-article goes into great detail about the movie but I don't really need to know anymore. Besides the ending. How does this movie end? Is the disadvantaged Tyler Gage (the fuck kinda name is that anyway) surrounded by ballet dancers with machine guns and before we see if Tyler Gage (I think my Dad's Tyler Gage was broke on his car once) makes it out alive, the screen goes black and it says "TO BE CONTINUED..." it big red letter? Lets see.

"At the end Nora and Tyler make up, Mac congratulates him, Lucy and Miles kiss, the dance scout wants to talk to Nora about being in their dance program AND she's interested in Tyler and Director Gordan wants Tyler to finish out the rest of his school year at the Maryland School for the arts."

That's it? Tyler gets to finish school and this Nora chick joins a dance program? That sounds pretty wrapped up to me. Well, ok. I'm sure many people thought "Die Hard" wrapped up pretty good, but we got 3 more sequels. So maybe "Step Up 2: The Streets" continues with Tyler Gage (I should be Jason Gage. Makes me sound 10 times more exciting, don't it?) graduating the Maryland School for the arts (lowercase, they can't afford a capital A) and now he has to, I dunno, fight zombies while dancing his heart out. At least that's what would happen in my version of the script.

Before I go into detail about the Myspace profile for Step Up 2: Not-So-Electric Boogaloo", let's see what Tyler is gonna be up to in the sequel.

"Having grown up in the Maryland School of the Arts, 18-year-old Patrick Collins (Robert Hoffman) feels creatively confined by the restraints of the now, more than ever, commercialized school. He hears of a legendary, underground team dance battle that happens every year called The Streets that only locals have access to (think Fight Club but for dance) and he is by no means a local. When Andie West (Briana Evigan), a 17-year-old B-girl who is part of the best team that competes in The Streets starts to attend MSA, sparks fly and Patrick is let into the underbelly of the Baltimore dance scene."

Wait a minute? Who the fuck is Patrick? I would assume he's Tyler's brother but Tyler's last name is Gage. Patrick's is Collins. The hell? And I see the Maryland School of the Arts finally saved up for that capital A. So Step Up 2: Stepping Again doesn't involve ANY of the original characters. None. And you have no idea how disturbed I am by the mental image I got when I read the words "think Fight Club but for dance". And Patrick better watch out for that underbelly of the Baltimore dance scene. I hear they'll fuck a dude up.

Ok, enough of this. Let's take a look at the Myspace profile that started this rant.

Well, I'm greeted by the most annoying screen in the history of the world. I mean, I visited some god-awful Myspace profiles, but this is just horrible. It's not even in the typical Myspace profile layout. Why do these fucks get a special page for their crappy movie? And why does every single thing immedately start up the instant the page loads, which takes about 20 minutes cause of all the crap on it. Seriously, if you wanna visit this page, start it, then start cooking a Rachael Ray-style meal. When you get back, the page MIGHT be loaded.

So the whole purpose of this profile is they're asking the Myspace community for help in making the movie, according to the annoying banner. I wonder if that means if everybody on Myspace had some fuckin' sense and said "no", this stupid thing wouldn't get made. But unfortunately, that's not the case.

When you scroll down further you see they are offering a contest where you make a video of yourself dancing (but only to the OFFICAL STEP UP 2 SONG BEING PERFORMED BY CASSIE, whoever the hell that is) and send it to them. I can't seem to see what happens if your video is picked. Maybe this Cassie chick will give you a naked picture of her or something. Looking at her pic, I wouldn't mind that.

And the way the friends are listed is pretty funny. Obviously the first guy is the dude who's gonna play Patrick Non-Gage. The second is the Cassie chick. The third is some Jenna chick. I can't seem to find the main chick that's gonna be in this movie, whos name is Briana Evigan. I guess she don't have a Myspace page, but since this whole entire movie is suppose to be Myspace friendly, you'd think the movie studio would force her to have one.

After the list of friends (even that damn Milkshake chick made the cut), I see something I've never seen before: a forum ON the profile. Usually forums about stupid crap like this is usually seething with dumbasses, but I couldn't find anything stupid or laughable about it. You win this time, Step Up 2.

Ok now we get to the comments. Pretty much every single one is just people saying "Check out my hip and hot dance moves" and "Pick me pleeeeze!!!" BUT! Lo and behold, I found my first non-positive feedback comment!!!!



I was on this chick's side, then I realized it's cause they're probably gonna use that god awful song in the movie and they wanna make sure all of "us" can dance to it. So that's the reason, yo.

Maybe this isn't screened after all? Well, let's find out.

Last time I used two different profiles to post two different comments. I'm gonna use the same one for two different comments. First, let's do the bad.


Image and video hosting by TinyPic

Ah! I fuckin' knew it!!! That comment won't get posted. I'm gonna wait a little while longer and post another one, with a more uplifting comment.

That's about it. Maybe I am being a bit too hard. I mean, I never did see the first Step Up movie. Maybe it's not all that bad. I mean it's a guy...doing ballet. To make a difference. Who knows?

Oh, as for the contest. I figured if they're letting just ANYONE make a dance video submission video....


Vote for me!
-Jason Gage

(PS: Yes, I really did submit that video into the contest.)

1 comment:

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