So here is my list of 12 (well 13 I guess since I mentioned Center Stage) sequels that didn't need to be made.
You know when I was coming up with this list, which involved looking at imdb, I realized there is one thing all these movies have in common: the sequels don't feature any of the original stars from the original movie. I suppose that means something.
Another thing is I didn't include any of the Disney sequels like "Bambi 2: Wrath of Bambi's Mom" or "Cinderella 4: This Time She's A Prostitute". Otherwise we'd be here all day and I'm sure we all have something better to do. Right?
1. American Psycho 2
Sequel to: American Psycho.
Plot of Original: Christian Bale is some successful corporate dude who likes to kill
chicks. Detective William Defoe is on the case. According to something I read a few weeks ago, the ending shows it might've been a dream or something.
Plot of sequel (from imdb): Rachael Newman has developed an interest for murders after she met psycho Patrick Bateman. To further study the subject, she enrolls at the university department for Behavioural and Social Sciences, under the expert leadership of ex-FBI man Robert Starkman. Very certain about herself, Rachael has one single goal: to become class assistant. It's a prestigious job as having that position will almost guarantee employment at the FBI. But becoming class assistant is no easy task to accomplish, as the first trouble arises when secretary Gerty Fleck decides she is too young for it. And Gerty Fleck won't be the only obstacle.
WTF: So it does feature the Patrick Bateman character, he's not played by Bale. Then it focuses on some girl for the rest of the movie. At least make it Patrick's sister or mom or something. Or better yet, grandmother. Can you imagine a 80 year old woman looking at her vicitim tied up while wearing a plastic suit, then turning on the radio and saying stuff like "Ahh Lawrence Welk. Many say Lawrence Welk..." etc.
2. Step up 2: The Streets
Sequel to: Step Up
Plot of Original: Some dude is a badass and is forced to serve community service at a dance school. His "slick" dance moves earn him a spot in some talent show and a bunch of lessons are learned.
Plot of Original (Based on what I pieced together from the trailer): This time some girl is a bad ass, but she's a street dancer bad ass. She goes to the same school, meets mildly ethnic stereotypes and then has to dance, in the streets, to prove a point. Lessons learned all around.
WTF: Really? Did we really need a sequel to a stupid dance movie? And have the sequel not feature ANYBODY from the original? Not even the mildly hot principal chick from the original is in it. The only way a sequel would be warrented is if we focused on the two characters from the original as they try to save their dance studio and invent a new move called Electric Boogaloo.
3. The Bring It On Series
Sequel to: Bring It On
Plot of Original: Some white cheerleaders go against some black cheerleaders.
Plot of all the sequels: Some white cheerleaders go against some black cheerleaders.
WTF: Yeah, let's make the same damn movie over and over again. Granted, the first one shouldn't have been made at all, but it had Kirsten Dunst and I think she's hot (well I did until Spiderman 3, Jesus stop crying already). And when one of your movies features Beyonce's younger sister, you should know it's time to stop.
4. Hollow Man 2
Sequel to: Hollow Man
Plot of Original: Kevin Bacon and some smart scientists discover how to make animate objects invisible. Kevin then decides to do it to himself, which he succeeds but then he goes crazy and decides to kill everyone.
Plot of Sequel (From imdb): In Seattle, after the mysterious death of the scientist Dr. Devin Villiers, Detective Frank Turner and his partner Det. Lisa Martinez are assigned to protect Devin's colleague Dr. Maggie Dalton. Lisa is killed while protecting Maggie, and Frank presses her to tell what is happening. She discloses that a veteran soldier called Michael Griffin was submitted to an experiment with the objective of creating the ultimate national security weapon, an undetectable soldier. However, the experiment failed, with horrible side effects due to the damage to the cells caused by the radiation. Michael is chasing Maggie to get the necessary buffer to survive.
WTF: We're now getting into the part of the list where in the original the main character dies, along with a bunch of people involved with the project. And I'm sure the few that did survive won't be doing that again. And reading that plot description it seems like it really has nothing to do with the first movie. It just features an invisible guy killing people. So if you write a movie about invisible people killing people, it's gonna be a "Hollow Man" sequel. Movie exec's probably wanted to turn it into a "Freddy/Jason/Michael" type franchise but it's hard to make Hollow Man halloween masks.
5. The Butterfly Effect 2
Sequel to: The Butterfly Effect
Plot of Original: Ashton Kucher can time travel. His time traveling fucks up some shit.
Plot of sequel: Some other dude can time travel. His time traveling fucks up some shit.
WTF: Depending on which ending you saw, this sequel could've been needed, or just be another one where the main character is dead so someone else takes over. One ending, the kind of happy ending, has Ashton going back and telling the girl that he loves he's gonna kill her, so she doesn't get involved with his life and lives happily ever after. The other had Ashton going back to when he was fetus and strangling himself with his umbilical cord. Seriously. So, if we stuck with the sort of happy ending, Ashton (or at least his character) could still be "Oh no I'm time traveling! AGAIN!" But apparently the film makers went with the depressing ending and gave the time traveling ability to some other guy, randomly. I could get into the time travel geekery and explain how the sequel could've filled in a bunch of plot holes from the original but I'll spare you all.
6. Van Wilder: The Rise of Taj
Sequel to: National Lampoon's Van Wilder
Plot of Original: Van Wilder loves parties but decides to be responsible so he can fuck Tara Reid (Like that's a hard task). Then a dude shits in a garbage can.
Plot of Sequel: Van Wilders ethnic stereotype friend Taj goes to London and turns a bunch of nerds into super party studs.
WTF: That sounds like a combination of "Revenge of the Nerds" and "The House Bunny", except House Bunny came out like two years after "Taj", so weird. Anyway, how you gonna name a movie "Van Wilder" and not even have the fucking character in the movie? Like Van Wilder is the new National Lampoon now or something. And was Taj really that popular he needed his own movie? "Yes, let's flesh out the Indian stereotype. It'd be hilarious to watch him speak in a stilted accent for two hours. Yes...yes." Of course as of lately, the National Lampoon name has been attached to a bunch of weird shitty movies so maybe there will be a line of "Van Wilder" movies, where the next one we focus on the dog with the big nuts. Speaking of attaching names to bad sequels...
7. The "American Pie Presents..." Series
Sequel to: The Original American Pie Trilogy
Plot of Original(s): Jason Biggs is awkward at sex. He eventually fucks, then marries, the hottest band geek in the world. Thanks to his horny friends, hilarty ensues at the expense of Eugene Levy.
Plot of Sequels: One of them was called The Naked Mile where hot college students ran around naked for half the movie and Eugene Levy was there for some reason. Another one took place at the infamous band camp where horny teenagers tried to have sex with their instruments or something. And Eugene Levy returns for some reason.
WTF: Many people probably thing "American Pie 2" and "American Wedding" wasn't needed, but at least they featured all the same actors and characters and I must admit are pretty funny movies. But then the only person left is simply called "Jim's Dad" and you throw in a bunch of nobodies and go "Eh, let's just say this is an American Pie movie. No one will notice", that's fuckin' retarded. At least focus on Stiffler and not his little brother (who did appear in one of them, don't ask me which I really don't care.)
8. White Noise 2
Sequel to: White Noise
Plot of Original: Michael Keaton hears dead people.
Plot of Sequel: Some other guy hears dead people.
WTF: Seriously. This is in league with "Hollow Man 2" and "Butterfly Effect 2". And even worse is, if I recall correctly, the original "White Noise" wasn't even good and didn't do well. So, what? The movie guys thought it was Michael Keaton's fault and figured if they get rid of him, the movie will be good?
9. Baby Geniuses 2: Super Babies
Sequel to: Baby Beniuses
Plot of Original: Babies can talk and do thinks like adults can. Hilarity ensues.
Plot of Sequel: Some babies...oh who cares.
WTF: Really? That's all I gotta say. Really?
10. Lawnmower Man 2
Sequel to: The Lawnmower Man
Plot of Original: Scientist Pierce Bronsan invents some virtual reality thing that also makes people smarter. Enter Job, a "special" landscaper who Pierce instantly exploits and not only makes him smarter but hot also. Eventually, Job goes crazy and tries to kill people...THROUGH VIRTUAL REALITY!
Plot of Sequel: I seen it. But...I have no idea what was going on. Job was in the computer? He was trying to take over the world? I dunno.
WTF: Remember the big virtual reality craze in the '90's? Eventually it died down. Then Lawnmower Man 2 was made. So on several levels this movie didn't need to be made. What's even odder is the dude who played Job, Jeff Fahey, was replaced by Matt Frewer, who you may know as the neighbor from "Honey, I Shrunk The Kids" and more importantly "Max Headroom". And even more interesting enough the Stephen King story this is based on, doesn't feature anything about virtual reality or computers or "simple" people. It's about a crazy lawnmower man terrorizing a family. And he actually eats grass like a lawnmower. Now THAT I would pay to see.
11. Daddy Day Camp
Sequel to: Daddy Day Care
Plot of Original: This is wacky! Eddie Murphy and Jeff Garlin are fathers! And men! And men/fathers can't take care of kids! So what do we do? Let's have fathers/men take care of kids! LOTS AND LOTS OF KIDS!! Hijinks, come ensuing!
Plot of Sequel: Now this is wacky! Cuba Gooding, Jr and...some other guys run a camp! Full of kids! WHA??
WTF: If Eddie Murphy won't star in it, you know it'll be bad.
12. Speed 2: Cruise Control
Sequel to: Speed
Plot of Original: A bus carrying a bomb must be stopped before it goes under 50 m.p.h! And only Keanu Reeves can stop it! With some help from Sandra Bullock.
Plot of Sequel: Sandra Bullock breaks up with Keanu and decides to go on a cruise to relax. Some terrorist put a bomb on the ship. Many "Do I have the worst luck or what" jokes ensue.
WTF: If Keanu won't star in it...
-Jason
1 comment:
The American Pie series of sequels has to be the worst. I could understand AP2 coming out, as bad as it was. But it was a bomb (iirc) and the third was uncessary, much less AN ENTIRE SERIES OF SEQUELS. Let the m-fer die!!!
Post a Comment