Wednesday, December 15, 2010
B-Movie Meatloaf: Robot vs The Aztec Mummy
This movie can be summed up using my patented Dash Points! (Trademark)
-A Professor invites some friends over to his super nice house.
-He starts telling them a story.
-80% of the movie is done in this story/flashback mode.
-First, he tells them that he went to some super big meeting of other super important scientists and professors. He gave a speech about transgressing a woman to their past lives and have them recount things in their past lives.
-Everyone at the meeting laughs at Professor.
-Professor runs away crying.
-He runs home and does the past life transgression on his wife Flora.
-In a past life, Flora was an Aztec princess who had the hots for some warrior dude. They were totally gonna run away together and fornicate until tomorrow noon. Unfortunately, they were caught.
-The princess was sacrificed. The warrior was mummified and forced to guard over a fancy breast plate and a bracelet.
-The Aztecs were so busy doing this they forgot to put the year 2013 on their calender.
-There's a map to some treasure on the breast plate.
-Still in flashback mode, the Professor tells his friends he and...the friend's he's talking to went to a Aztec tomb, found the mummy and the breast plate.
-Wait. Why is telling his friends what they did? Do they have horrible memories?
-The mummy comes to life and goes after the Professor. Professor realizes the mummy wants the breast plate so he returns it. The mummy, apparently, got the hots for Flora so he kidnapped her. While recusing her, Flora's dad flashed a cross, which scared the Mummy (no fucking idea why) and the tomb collasped due to a bomb.
-There's some bad guy named The Bat.
-Yes, that whole bad guy thing literally comes out of nowhere. I'm beginning to think this movie was pieced together from some other movie or show or something.
-The Bat wants the breast plate so he takes the breast plate and kidnaps some if not all of the following people: The Professor, Flora, some dude, a kid, and one of the professor's friends. The Professor is being forced to do...something for The Bat. Thankfully, the mummy shows up for the breast plate, pours acid on The Bat's henchman Bruno, and leaves. The Professor and his fellow prisoner escape.
-The Bat hypnotizes Flora and has her tell him where the Mummy is now staying since the tomb is gone. I guess he's renting a place while it's being rebuilt.
-Once the location of the mummy along with the breast plate is revealed, The Bat works on a plan to steal it.
-Which takes five years.
-This brings us to now, I guess. The Bat is going to steal the breast plate tonight and it's up to the Professor and his Floyd The Barber looking friend to stop him!
-The Professor and Floyd find The Bat's hideout but are captured immedately.
-The Bat does a Bond Villian move and tells them his evil plan instead of killing them. The Plan: build a robot and have it fight and kill the mummy when it awakens cause they have taken the breast plate.
-Again, without killing the Professor, The Bat turns on his robot (that she spent 5 years making) and they walk (SOOOOO.....FUCKING.......SLOOOOOOWLY) to the rented tomb where the mummy is.
-The Bat steals the breast plate and the mummy wakes up.
-The Robot and Aztec Mummy now fight.
-Meanwhile, the Professor and Floyd escape and head over to the rented tomb with the police and Flora.
-There, the Professor destroys the Robot's controls, allowing the mummy to kill the robot. The mummy then kills Bruno and The Bat. Flora uses her past life Aztec Princess powers to tell the mummy to take the shit and hide somewhere FOREVER!
That's seriously it. The fight lasts all of 5 minutes, if that. The "robot" is introduced in the last 10 minutes of the movie, and it's really a guy in silver tubing. This whole movie is a mess. And hey surprise surprise it was bought to American from Mexico by one K. Gordon Murray. Oh K. Gordon Murray, when will your reign of terror end?