B-Movie Meatloaf: Dracula A.D 1972

For this current B-Movie Meatloaf, we all had to watch a horror film featuring Dracula. Not just any vampire but Dracula himself. I decided to take this chance to watch a Hammer staple "Dracula A.D 1972". Cause that's what we wanna see: Dracula driving a AMC Gremlin.

Anyway, the film opens up in Ye Olde Times and Van Helsing (Peter Cushing) is fighting Dracula (Christoper Lee) on a run away carriage. Eventually the carriage crashes and the wooden wheel gets impaled into Dracula, killing him. Finally at peace, Van Helsing also dies. But a guy with groovy mutton chops collects Dracula's ashes and saves them for another time.

That other time? The groovy '70s, baby! A group of late teen/early 20's British friends all crash some party held by old people and it's all very groovy and '70s. They manage to leave the party before the police (or coppers? Bobby's?) arrive. Not knowing what else to do with their time, the leader of their gang Johnny tells them to go to this old church at midnight and they'll do silly things like raise the dead and contact Satan. Y'know, regular things.

One of the girls in this gang is Jess, who is the great-grandaughter of...you guessed it: John Lennon. NO wait. I mean Van Helsing. And in fact Peter Cushing plays present day Van Helsing, so expect some awesome ass kickery later!

So Jess, her boyfriend, and other friends including the VERY hot Caroline Munro show up at the church at Midnight where Johnny mixes Dracula's ashes with his blood and he pours it on Caroline Munro, which raises Dracula from the dead! (oh, that was another Hammer film, my bad.) Anyway, Jess and the other friends manage to escape but Caroline Munro wasn't so lucky.

Anyway, things slow down for a bit when cops get involved in the murder of Caroline and try to figure out what happened. While talking to Van Helsing, he figures out that Dracula has returned from the grave (dammit, I did it again) and realizes Jess is in danger.

Johnny, meanwhile, is turned into a vampire by Dracula and he goes on his own blood sucking spree. Van Helsing is like "ENOUGH IS ENOUGH! I'VE HAD IT WITH THESE MOTHERFUCKING VAMPIRES ON THIS MOTHERFUCKING PLANE!" or something. Jess' boyfriend shows up and takes her to Johnny because he TOO is a vampire! And Dracula has a boner for Jess! So now it's up to Van Helsing to save Jess, stop Dracula, and possible save the world!

Van Helsing eventually figures out where Jess and Dracula is but she's still under his spell, so only killing Dracula will free her. So Dracula and Van Helsing fight to the DEATH...which lasts all of five minutes. It's a bit anti-climatic if you ask me but whatever.

Overall, it is a pretty good movie. I wasn't totally bored and it was interesting to finally watch a Hammer film. Yes, this was my first one. I know I know...but I did like it, so lay off! Anyway, having Dracula in the 1970's was an interesting turn but I feel it didn't REALLY go anywhere, out of having all the people say things like "far out" and "not my bag". But it was awesome seeing Peter Cushing kick some ass and seeing Christopher Lee play Dracula. Great performances all around. And of course...Caroline Munro.

This isn't from "Dracula 1972" but it's still a, uh, "nice" picture of Ms. Munro.

-Jason

B-Movie Meatloaf: The Haunting of Whaley House

This post is a combination of several things. First off, it's an entry in the B-Movie meatloaf that's going on over at StrictlySplatter.com. Secondly, it's a Old School Summer entry cause I now own this DVD. Oh and third, it's my 1000th post motherfuckers!! To all you naysayers I say....yeah you had every right to be skeptical. Anyway, to celebrate I thought I'd give the honor to this movie. Why you may ask? Because not only is "The Haunting of Whaley House" a The Asylum movie but I actually know the dude who made it! That hardly happens!

Yes, the guy who made the movie, one Jose Prendes, is the co-owner of StrictlySplatter.com. Yes, the same website that hosts the B-Movie Meatloaf. Don't think too much about how all of this works cause you'll have a headache the size of Antarctica. Anyway, I promised Jose I would give an honest review of the movie and not hold back any punches. He appreciated that and is waiting a honest review. And here it is.

It was a great movie. GOODNIGHT!

Ok, no. Seriously. The movie starts with three dudes outside the titular house, talking about how it's haunted and they should go in. Two of the three don't wanna go in and after a weird slightly racist comment, one dude throws a rock into the window and says "There. Now we can go in." I'm not sure how THAT was gonna let them in but whatever. But they don't go in cause the rock thrower spots a ghost giving him the mean eye and of course the guy walks backwards into the street and of course he gets hit by a bus. I hate when buses show up right when I walk backwards into streets. Such bad timing.

Cut to the next day and Penny works at the house, giving tours. She just started but seems to have a lot of knowledge about the place. When I started at my current job, it took me 2 years to learn all this technology info, but her only a month or so to learn the entire family history of The Whaleys. To save some time later, I'll tell you the history now if I remember it.

A family lived in the house a long ass time ago and a bunch of people died in the house, kinda horribly. The father of the house died somewhere else but he hangs around the house to protect the family. That's pretty much all you need to know. Oh and the daughter of the family shot herself in the heart. That's it.

Anyway, Penny is giving a tour and some lady in the tour starts freaking out cause she sees shit like people roaming around and a rocking chair moving on it's own. Soon, she starts choking and is taken to the hospital. Some old lady that owns the house I guess tells Penny she got the job for a special reason but we never learn why until the end.

Later, Penny is with her friends and I'm gonna say right now she's got the douchest friends ever. Especially the main guy named Craig. It didn't help he looked like a weird combination of Seth Rogan and Rob Thomas from Matchbox 20. Anyway, Craig finds out where Penny works and almost begs her to take them there. One chick who's name I forget so lets call her Roxy doesn't wanna go but everyone else does.

In case you forgot, this is what Rob Thomas looks like.

To prove how much of a douche he is, Craig invites two other dudes, one named Ray who is the biggest dork I've ever seen, and a psychic named Keith. They are paranormal investigators and they wanna check out the house for ghosts and shit. Penny is like "NO DON'T TOUCH SHIT! RAWR!!" but doesn't think anything about a glass scraping across a floor. Whatever.

Ray pulls out the glass as a fake Ouija board (I'm guess Jose and/or The Asylum couldn't get the rights to an actual Ouija board) and get in contact with a ghost. The ghosts seem to like Penny a whole lot. Anyway, they finish up Glass Ouija and investigate the rest of the house. Keith starts spouting off some weird ghost/psychic mumbo-jumbo talking about vortexes and portals or something. Then before things get too boring, people start dying.

Oh before I forget, I LOVED the out-of-place boobie shot. That's all I'll say about that.

First Roxy is killed and Craig gets all stupid, douchey, and paranoid by refusing to call the police cause they might think they killed her on purpose. I don't know what kind of sense that makes but Penny manages to get through to the police. But then Ray has the funniest freak out moment I've ever seen when he starts yelling at the ghosts and soon they kill him too. The rest run upstairs, where a chick who looked like Sara Bareilles gets grabbed by a ghost and somehow this burns her or something.

This is what Sara Bareilles looks like.

They lock themselves in a room and before I could ask "how about breaking a window" Jose gives me an answer: the ghosts won't let them break anything. If they try, they will get murdered. Alrighty then. Good one, Jose. So they're in this room when the cops show up. One cop is immediately killed by a ghost while the other runs upstairs. At some point the douchey guy is killed and I went "YAY!" then Sara Barilles gets possessed and tells them they won't escape. Meanwhile, Keith makes it to the attic and something happens but it was too damn dark to make out what happened. I'm gonna say Keith got sucked into the vortex. That works.

Anyway, Sara Barilles decides to kill herself by shooting herself in the heart, the other cop dies somehow, and now it's just Penny and the boyfriend left. They run into the attic where the boyfriend is killed and soon it's just Penny. Soon, the ghosts make an appearance and we discover that Penny looks like the family's daughter and they think she should stay with them. She screams at them for awhile until they just go away on their own and Penny rather stupidly falls down the damn stairs and dies. I'm not even kidding. It was literally "Yay I survived." *trip* "Oops!" and she died. I....ok.

So now Penny is a ghost in this house FOREVER!! And that's the end. I will admit it wasn't your standard The Asylum fair in that I didn't wanna stab my brain out with a spoon. Did the movie have problems, at least plot/story wise? A bit. But I will say Jose is a really awesome director and I can't wait to see what else he has for us. Oh and Jose, if you need a quote for the DVD box, you can some of these:

"...I didn't wanna stab my brain out with a spoon!"-Jason Soto Invasion of the B-Movies
"Heart pounding! Thrill seeking! Words!"-Jason Soto Invasion of the B-Movies
"It's a movie!"-Jason Soto Invasion of the B-Movies
"This......movie.......[can be] awesome!"-Jason Soto Invasion of the B-Movies
"BOOBIES!"-Jason Soto Invasion of the B-Movie

OH! And this movie doesn't come out until this Tuesday! So I say check it out! And mucho thanks to Jose for giving me a copy.



-Jason

B-Movie Meatloaf: Hard Ticket To Hawaii (Sort of)

So here's the full story. After the last B-Movie Meatloaf, it was decided that I, Jason Soto, get to pick the next topic. After thinking for a few moments, I decided to go with "The Films of Andy Sidaris" mainly because I just recently purchased the box set with all his movies. I picked "Hard Ticket to Hawaii" for myself and was pleased as punch.

Then January happens. This I won't get into too much but some things went down and yadda yadda yadda, I don't have my DVD copy of "Hard Ticket to Hawaii". I looked EVERYWHERE online for it and couldn't find it available anywhere. I could've went the "illegal" route but...you know things have been going down lately has a result of that.

So now stuck with nothing else to do, what I decided was scour Youtube, find all the clips of "Hard Ticket to Hawaii" I could find and watch those, to make some sense out of it. I will probably plan on reviewing the actual movie at some point but for now, this will have to do.

"Hard Ticket to Hawaii" stars Ronn Moss as Rowdy Abilene (Wow really? Rowdy? Ok...), Donna Speir as...Donna and some other people I'm sure aren't important. Anyway, I'm guessing Rowdy and some other chick who isn't Donna is on the beach and they come across some dude with a machine guy. After Machine Gun Guy tells them to go away, Rowdy starts throwing a frisbee at him and the Guy catches it all fancy like. Rowdy tells Not Donna to go away and when she does, he tells her for no real reason "You have a great ass". I'm sure she said "Oh I always wondered that. Thanks!" Anyway, Rowdy switches the frisbee with one with razor blades glued on it and he throws it, which immediately kills Machine Gun Guy. This scene is awesome.



Then there's a scene where Donna and some chick are in a room talking and the only posters you find are all movies Andy Sidaris made. Anyway, I don't know what the real point of this scene was. Besides boobs. Maybe that was the only point.



My next favorite scene outside the frisbee scene is probably this one with the snake. Some snake is bugging Donna and she doesn't know how to kill a snake with her boobs. So Rowdy comes in on a motorcycle and blows the fuck out of it with a bazooka. Damn dude. But it did the trick!



OH SHIT THIS IS WHERE THE SNAKE CAME FROM!!



So this next scene, Rowdy and some guy is in a Jeep when some skateboarder is coming at them. The skateboarder is riding the skateboard on his hands. Rowdy and friend dodge him and move on. The skateboarder gets up and gets into a car with an Hawaiian guy and a blow up doll. They follow Rowdy until the skateboarder gets out, grabs the blow up doll, and chases after them. Rowdy then proceeds to run him over, throw him in the air, blow him up with a bazooka, and then blows up the blow up doll with a bazooka.

...what?




I'm afraid nothing could top that, so I'm ending there. I really can't wait to see this whole movie. I'm sorry I couldn't give you a full review but I think this will do for now. And from what I've seen, I've got to say it looks fucking amazing! I'm sure I will up this when I really get to it but for now I will have to give it:



-Jason

B-Movie Meatloaf: Dreamaniac

Since I joined this B-Movie Meatloaf thing over at StrictlySplatter.com, I learned a lot of things. I learned all about how The Asylum works. I learned that most direct-to-video sequels aren't always all bad. And this month, I learned about the sub-genre "shot on video horror". When this request came in, I said to myself "So...like The Blair Witch Project?" Turns out...not quite.

From what I gather on Wikipedia, they're movies specially made for VHS back in the day. It was pretty cheap to produce. And if this movie is any judge, I say they needed to save as much money as possible. Speaking of this movie, here's "Dreamaniac".

First off, I was hoping someone in the movie would say the title so I know how exactly it's said. I'm sure it's "dream maniac" but since the two words share on the one "m" it looks like "dream-aniac". I dunno, the title doesn't make much sense anyway so fuck it.

Ok so the movie starts off with-

No wait. I need to backtrack already. I can't just jump into the movie because the movie doesn't even jump into the movie. The opening credits, I'm not shitting you, last THREE AND A HALF MINUTE! I counted! It took 2 minutes to do all the fucking people IN the movie, then we get the directors credit finally and now the movie can start.

Ok so the movie starts off with naked man ass. Boy, that was worth the wait. A guy walks down a hallway naked into the bathroom where he finds a naked chick in a bathtub full of blood. They meet and start making out. But that's just a dream.

The guy wakes up and he looks like Justin Long's older pothead brother. He's Adam. He's...house sitting? I think? In a house. He's into heavy metal (this movie's version of heavy metal is the "METAL" button on the Casio) and I guess witch craft. I didn't get the witch craft thing until the end of the movie.

So Adam has a girlfriend named Pat. She comes over and they have sex. Wow a sex scene 5 minutes into the movie. What is this, "The Room"? YOU ARE TEARING ME APART, PAT! I guess she just came over for sex cause she immediately leaves. She does remind Adam about a party that's happening tomorrow night.

But on THIS night, he reads some weird passage out of a book and soon starts hearing noises in the attic. There, he finds the girl he dreamt about earlier and he freaks out. He thinks he's dreaming again, so he burns himself to wake himself up. Actually, I think the actor accidently burnt himself and the filmmakers just went with it.

The chick shows up in the room and proceeds to give Adam a blowjob. Wow. But things take a turn for the worse when she bites his dick off. I guess THIS ends up being a dream cause it goes to the next day and Pat and her sister Lori show up to set up for the party.

I have to point out this line of dialouge. It'll give you a great example on what this movie's like. So the sisters are talking and Pat wants to know why Lori is joining some sorority. Lori goes "The same reason why you got a tattoo of a taco". And then the scene ends.

WHY DOES SHE HAVE A TATTOO OF A TACO?! You bought it up, movie!!

Anyway, Pat wakes Adam up, who isn't feeling that good. He doesn't want to have the party but I guess he's getting paid...to have the party? It wasn't explained very well. Slowly, the other people show up and if you imagine what a typical preppy person from the '80s looked like, that's who all showed up for this party.

I only got a few of their names. The biggest bitch was named Francis and she use to date Lori's boyfriend Brad. Francis makes sure to remind Lori of this fact every chance she gets. Then one random dude shows up with a chick...it's the chick from Adam's dream!! Adam freaks out and runs upstairs. Here, the chick calls herself Lily. I want to point out that Lily looks kinda like a '80s version of Kesha (Yeah, I didn't do the stupid $ thing). This place is about to blow indeed.

Lily finds Adam and tells him she's his now. Pat finds them together and gets pissed. Francis and Brad sneak off to have sex. Oh this is hilarious. They made it a point to show Brad getting completely naked in the bed. Then it cuts to them in bed, fucking, and you can see through the sheets Brad wearing these white briefs. Nice.

Ok, so now you're wondering what the fuck is going on and what the point of all this is? I was asking myself the same thing. We get our first kill at the 35 minute mark when a Valley Girl, like, TOTALLY, gets stabbed. Gross. They didn't show the killer, so I think they wanted us to think "OMG! Who could the killer be?! I'm sure it won't be Adam!" But only a SMART horror movie would that.

The next kill we see Lily doing it. And this scene was hilarious. She made a guy take all this clothes off besides his tightie whities and then started tying him up. But she had him hold the one end while tying him, so pretty much all he had to do was let go and the whole thing would fall apart. Whatever. She plugs something in and he's electrocuted. And this causes the power to go out.

Lori gets sick and runs to find a bathroom. She instead runs into Francis and Brad in bed. I said "DO IT!! DO IT!!!" and sure enough, she threw up all over them. YES!!! I'm fucking digging this movie, despite it being fucking terrible.

Ok, so a few people are getting killed. Lily finds Brad and proceeds to blow him. Adam walks in on this and just stands there. Lily bits Brad's dick off (I guess that's her "thing") and Pat walks in on this and freaks out. She figures out something is up with Adam and Lily and wants out.

There's a guy who I'm sure is gay and he's the comic relief. He ends up taking care of Lori while Pat runs around, trying to figure out what to do. Oh, then out of nowhere: FUCKING ZOMBIES! The tightie-whitie guy shows up and attacks Pat. Francis finds Adam and starts making out with him, but he slits her throat. Then SHE comes back to life. And Pat simply puts a pillow over her mouth. Uh, you can't suffocate a fucking zombie!

Now it's down to gay dude-oh wait he's now dead-ok it's down to Lori and Pat. The gay dude read two sentences in a book and before he died told Pat that Lily is a succubus aka a female demon that preys on men, mainly in their sleep. Ah, so that's what's going on. Thanks gay dude!

The only way to kill the succubus is to rip thier head off or stab them in the heart with a stake. Uh, they're not vampires. Whatever. So Pat and Lily attack Adam with...a steel drill? Ok sure. He then goes into acting overload as he runs around the house going "NO!! WHY?!?! AHHH!!!" *spit blood* "WHY?!?! AHHHH!!" *spit blood* Dude! Why you spitting so much blood?!

Anyway, Pat runs the drill through Adam's neck until it's removed from his body. Sure, why not? Now it's time for Lily. She's about to attack Lori when....some random dude who never introduces himself walks into the house, tells Lily to stop and apologize like she just peed on their rug, and simply leave.

....

.......

.............

FUCKING WHAT?!?!?!?!?!!?! FUCK!!! WHAT?!?!??!?!?!

OH! OH!! Check THIS SHIT OUT!!!!

EVERYTHING I just told you....WAS PART OF A NOVEL ADAM WAS WRITING!!!! I am NOT fucking with you! This was a novel! He finishes writing, calls....fucking somebody, and tells him "HEY! I'm done with my pulp novel!" NO!! That's not a pulp novel!! It's a horror novel!! You motherfucking asshole!! I hope some random chick shows up at your door and stabs you for no reason...oh wait, that DOES HAPPEN!!!

Ok. I want to like this movie. I like it despite it being motherfucking terrible. Then the ending hits. I mean I've seen some bad movies in my day, but this is the most lazy thing I ever seen. "UH...how can we end this movie?!" "I know, let's make her NOT a succubus, even though we have all that set up already!" "NO! Let's make the whole thing a NOVEL!!" "HEY!!! LET'S DO BOTH!!!!" "YEAH!!! Now pass the cocaine!!"

So how do I rate this? I'm gonna have to give it a middle grade. Here's my recommendation: watch this with a bunch of people and make fun of it. But do it during a movie night with 3 or 4 other movies. Have LOTS of booze available. And make this the 3rd or 4th movie. You need to be somewhat hammered to watch this movie otherwise "y'all" (Thanks NICK!) will murder each other. Awesome? AWESOME!

-Jason

B-Movie Meatloaf: Octaman

For this month's B-Movie Meatloaf over at StrictlySplatter.com, it was chosen that we take on some Mexican Horror Movies. Which isn't as easy as American Horror Movies or Japanese Horror Movies or even Canadian Horror Movies. So after scanning IMDB and Wikipedia, I quickly learned that the 1971 film "Octaman" is available on Netflix Instant Watch.

And boy, is "Octaman" a Mexican horror film. It takes place in Mexico, half the cast is Mexican, and one character is SOOOO Mexican he spends the entire film in a poncho, wearing a sombrero and humming Traditional Mexican songs. There's a TV and film cliche called "The Magical Negro" where among a cast of white people, there's one black guy who saves the day or is able to conjure up something at the last second to save everyone's life. Well, I called this guy "The Magical Hispanic".

"Octaman" starts with our hero Rick, who is some scientist of some sort, studying the waters in some town in Mexico. Someone on his team found a weird tiny octopus, which looks like it's made of rubber and was painted by a 4th grader. Rick studies this and pretends it's a great find. He wants to take it to some town to have a big wig scientist study it and and give him more money to keep looking for these creatures.







When Rick arrives, the octopus is dead and the big wig scientist isn't too impressed. Not one to be rejected, he turns to some rich guy named Johnny to help fund this project. Johnny says sure...if he can capture the creature and put in some freak show! Oh, one of THOSE types.

Rick agrees cause he needs money and Johnny has an RV which makes Rick even more happy. Back at camp, one of Rick's guys is attacked by the Octaman, and this thing is HI-LARIOUS! It's CLEARLY a guy in a suit with 8 octopus arms attached everywhere. The Octaman attacks and instantly kills the guy. Rick returns to find the guy dead.

So with the lesser characters out of the way, we meet the rest of Rick's crew! Johnny bought along Steve, who's a sleazy cowboy guy. There's Mort, another scientist guy. There's Devito, the Magical Hispanic. And of course, there's only one female, Susanne, and she's engaged to Rick.

By now, you probably can tell what's going to happen. The first 20 minutes of this movie is fuckin' hilarious when they give us shots of the Octaman and the small octopi running around. Devito just being all magical is great. Then kind of out of nowhere, everything slows the fuck down.

We get boring shots of Rick and his crew looking for the Octaman. Devito keeps talking about magical things. Then the film kinda goes into a loop. Rick, Steve, Mort, and Devito leave to look for the Octaman, leaving Susanne and Johnny behind at camp. The Octaman shows up, attacks Johnny, Susanne screams her head off alerting Rick and crew and they rush back, shoot Octaman, and he goes scampering away.

Rick, Steve, Mort, and Devito leave again, Johnny STAYS BEHIND again with Susanne, and Octaman shows up AGAIN, attacks Johnny again, and Susanne alerts Rick so they rush back, attack Octaman and he scamps off. Guess what happens after that?

Rick, Steve, Mort, and Devito leave, Johnny STILL STAYS behind with Susanne, and Octaman shows up. THIS TIME, he attacks Johnny and Susanne, and decides to take her. So here's a question I have: in all these monster movies, the monster goes after the chick and kidnaps her. What does the monster plan on doing with the girl? It's not like these monsters have dicks. And think about King Kong. How was THAT going to work? Was Fay Wray/Naomi Watts suppose to just run up and down his dick until he cums? I mean really? Someone have an explaination? Someone?

Anyway.

Rick returns, finds Susanne gone and goes after Octaman. They distract him with a flashlight while Rick lights a fire AROUND Octaman AND Susanne. Rick manages to get Susanne without burning her and Octaman passes out. They put him in a net and then...they all talk about stuff for 20 minutes.

Octaman, bored just like we are, wakes up and attacks again but he runs away. Not knowing where else he could've went, they decide to track him down with the RV. Johnny at this point has decided he's had enough and wants to go home. Dude, if you'd STOP staying at the camp and go with Rick, you wouldn't be attacked all the fucking time.

A big giant tree blocks the road so they get out of the RV to move the tree. Devito runs off for some reason and he spots Octaman in a cave. Intrigued, the rest chase after him, INCLUDING JOHNNY finally, and Octaman manages to block them in the cave. Devito proves how magical he is by finding a 4 inch hole in the cave and he crawls through it and finds a way out. Then we spend another 20 minutes watching them crawl through this hole. You fans of "The Descent" this will be your FAVORITE SCENE EVER!

They get out of the cave and head back to the RV and this movie tries to win me back by having Octaman hide INSIDE the RV (he even closed the door!) and attack them when they get back to the RV! It knocks everybody but Susanne out and she offers herself up to be taken. Octaman takes her, trying to figure out how to use his dick on her, when she shoots Octaman and he looks at her as if to say "Fucking bitch! UGH! WOMEN!!" I know, man. I know.

Octaman falls into the water and it simply ends finally. God.

The first 25-30 minutes of this movie is awesome. The middle is very boring and slow and repetitive. The last 15 or so is ok. It is on Netflix Instant Watch only and it is good for a group riffing, but don't expect craziness all the way through. Honestly, the movie could've only been 30 minutes long and end with them capturing him and I would've been happy with that. But oh well.

-Jason

B-Movie Meatloaf: Cabin Fever 2: Spring Fever

This month's Meatloaf fell on my shoulders and looking at my queue I saw one movie I wanted to watch and get over with. So I suggested "sequels/direct-to-video sequels" and I picked "Cabin Fever 2: Spring Fever".

For you non-horror fans out there "Cabin Fever" was written and directed by Eli "I'm Friends With Quentin Tarantino" Roth and I fuckin' hate it. The entire movie is really stupid, the characters are unlikeable, and it's full of stupid nonsense.

Example?

So I saw there was a direct-to-video sequel and Eli "I'm a horrible actor" Roth had nothing to do with it, I was like "Ok...maybe I'll give it a shot". If only Eli's ego wasn't so huge, he would've let someone else make Hostel 2.

"Cabin Fever 2: Spring Fever" starts with a guy running out of the woods, looking like he melted in the sun. Maybe he's made of chocolate. He jumps in front of a school bus, which instantly hits him. The bus showed no sign of stopping, which was amazing to me.

Apparently, the bus did stop and the only character from the first to be in this movie is Winston, the child-like deputy who likes drinking, pussy, and screwing up his job. Winston is on the scene where he tells the freaked out bus driver it was a moose. The bus driver calms down and he continues driving the bratty kids to school.

The opening credits are done animated style by showing us the water full of the flesh eating disease going into the bottled water factory, being put into the bottles, then the bottles being shipped to the town's school. I'm guessing this is the same town as the first movie. I wasn't sure cause they didn't show any hicks or have kids yelling about breakfast food.

Although if they kept that angle, what food would he be screaming out?
"FRENCH TOAST!"
"SCRAMBLED EGGS!"
"GRAPEFRUIT WITH A SPOONFUL OF SUGAR!"

Anyway, the credits end and soon it turns into an episode of, I dunno, "One Tree Hill" or something. We meet John and his friend Alex. They're your typical non-popular kids, they have crushes on the hot chicks, one hot chick Cassie is dating some tool named Marc. You know the drill. We know the drill but they take 20 fucking minutes setting it up.

I get that character development is important and we're suppose to be attached to these people, but if I want to watch "Dawson's Creek", I'll light myself on fire, then put on "Dawson's Creek". No offense Van Der Beek.

During all this teen drama, we see certain students drinking the tainted water. We don't see John, Alex, or Cassie drinking it. Alex finds some chick crying in a classroom and while consoling her, she decides to give him a blowjob. Oh, I should probably also state that this is the day of prom. So everybody is asking everybody out.

Blowjob girl blows off (see what I did there?) Alex while Cassie tells John she's not going to prom. That night, Alex makes John go and when they get there, Alex discovers his date isn't gonna show up. We do get an interesting scene that I don't really understand.

We see a fat chick. I forget her name, I'm sorry. If it was said, it was said once and I just can't remember. Just so I don't feel so mean, let's call her Darla. Darla has a crush on some dude named Rick (I remember his name cause he's set up to be the prom king, while the queen Sandy whines out his name roughly 12 thousand times in a row) and Rick goes up to Darla and tells her he wants to fuck her.

Now you and I are thinking "Well this is going to turn into a cruel prank of some kind" but nope. They actually fuck. I was kinda surprised. I'm not even sure where this whole thing came from, honestly. But while they fuck, Darla starts spitting up blood, then eventually disintergrates. Rick, while trying to save Darla, falls into the pool, hitting his head, and most likely drowns.

So the prom is going on. Cassie shows up and surprises John. Marc shows up, surprising them both. Marc vows to kick John's ass for no reason, and for stupid reasons the principal kicks John out of the school.

Meanwhile, Winston is having dinner at a diner (I swear to god he's eating pancakes) when the bottled water company's truck driver gets all melty and dies. Some chick thinks it's Satan and does an exorcism while Winston decides to get the fuck out of there. Cause he sucks at his job.

Winston remembers all the shit from the first movie and thinks the water has something to do with it. He goes to investigates and finds that Judah Friedlander is the night guard. While finding out that a shipment of tainted water is heading to the school, some dudes with guns show up, kill Judah, causing Winston to go "Fuck this, I'm outta here!"

Cassie follows John outside, where John asks Cassie why she's dating an asshole. Yeah, I'd like to know the answer to that too. Sadly, she doesn't give an answer in time cause the dudes with the guns show up. They make John and Cassie go into the school, while they quarantine it.

Inside the school, students and teachers alike start melting. Sandy the prom queen won't SHUT THE FUCK UP but thankfully she explodes. I'm feel like I'm forgetting something....OH SHIT! THE JANITOR!

The janitor man...if he didn't melt and die he should get his own spin off. He got fed up with all the kid's bullshit so he PISSED in the punchbowl! And all the kids drank it! Wow.

Ok, back to the story. The guys with guns (they never say who they are or how they know all this is happening) goes around shooting any non-melted people while John, Cassie, and Alex find a way out. Alex's dick starts melting, which upsets him. Soon, he completely dies. John finds out his wrist is starting to melt, so he decides to cut it off.

After cutting his hand off, Marc shows up to kick John's ass (cause he's in a weakened state, which makes it easier for him) but Cassie kills Marc with a nail gun. Oh shit! Cassie and John find an exit not chained up and run out the school, but John lost too much blood so he doesn't have the energy. He tells Cassie to run which she does while he's tackled by the guys with guns.

Winston meets up with his cousin Herman and I swear to you he's Mark Borchardt, the star of the documentary "American Movie". I was fucking blown away. And great casting choice. So Winston and Herman are driving along when they spot Cassie flagging for help. She gets into their van and they drive off somewhere.

And here, the movie could've ended. But there's this horrible tacked on ending that was pointless and I'm sure only there to make the movie longer. So you know that girl that blew Alex? She's a stripper and she's slowly melting. She goes out to dance and shows her tits but they're about rotted off. Another stripper uses her lipstick. Some mexican guys are there. And eventually, the ending credits turn into a cartoon and shows all these people going about their lives, spreading this disease. That's basically it.

They could've kept the ending with Cassie getting into the van and just show the words "THE WORLD'S FUCKED!" and be done with it. But despite the tacked on ending, I liked this movie a hell of a lot more than the first movie. I'm not even sure why I liked it as much. It was only a tad bit more gorier, and there was too much high school teenager drama shit, but I had a fun time watching it. Really, it doesn't have to be a sequel. If they took out Winston and just made it about a disease, it could stand on it's own.

BLUEBERRY MUFFIN!

-Jason

B-Movie Meatloaf: One Missed Called (2004)

It's Meatloaf time and this time someone thought it'd be a good idea to do Japanese Horror. Here's the thing: I don't know that many b-movie japanese horror films. I could've submitted "Bio Zombie" and be done with it, but I like to open myself up to new movies that I haven't seen. So I was gonna go with the super crazy Japanese horror movie "House", which I been dying to see.

Then Nolahn, my podcasting partner, got to it first. Well fuck.

So desperately grasping at straws, I started looking into the all those movies that ended up getting American remakes and after flipping several coins and pulling names out of hats, I came to "One Missed Call". Oooh, a kill cellphone movie! Sounds bad.

Well, it's more than that. And it's confusing as fuck.

A group of people are meeting for dinner and while in the bathroom, two girls, Yoko and Yumi, are gabbing away about shit when Yoko's phone ring but in a weird ringtone she's not familar with. When it went to voicemail, she finds the call came from two days in the future and the message Yoko saying something about rain and then screaming. Maybe it was raining...DEATH!!!

They kinda shrug it off and they move on with their lives. Two days later, Yumi calls Yoko, when Yoko repeats the thing about rain, then she's suddenly thrown over a bridge onto an oncoming train. Classy.

Yumi's freaking out, so she goes to talk to Kenji, who also got a similar message. But his message was from...5 minutes from now! OH FUCK!! He ends up saying the thing he heard himself say (...I think that made sense) and ends up falling down an elevator shaft.

There's a subplot about Yumi coming from an abusive home and how she's afraid of peepholes. I think this factors into the ending but honestly, I don't know. I just thought I should mention it.

Next up is Natsumi, who gets the call of death but this time, DEATH TEXTS!! Well, it's actually a video of something happening behind Natsumi. It's not very clear. In fact, anytime it wasn't daytime outside, it was hard to see anything. Hey, Japan! BUY A LIGHT!

Anyway.

Natsumi and Yumi freak out so badly they cancel their cell phone services and recycle their phones. Somehow a local TV show hears about Natsumi's phone call and want to exploit her. The Host says there's an exorcist that can help her and Natsumi, even though she's not possessed, says sure and is carted away by a strange TV show host.

Yumi then meets Yamashita (Christ, these names are getting longer) who's sister died after a mysterious cell phone message some months ago and now he's trying to get to the bottom of this. Here's where things get confusing and I sorta lose interest.

Not only was the DVD skipping every 2 minutes but Yamashita was acting like he was a cop when he wasn't. People were just letting him talk to abused kids in foster homes and rummage through missing people houses. They try to stop this stupid exorcism thing on TV but it's too late. In this movie's first cool scene, Natsumi's body parts are twisted around so violently she loses her head, while her body keeps walking for a moment. Um, more of this, please!

Well, we gotta wait awhile. There's more story that I wasn't following. So there's some chick named Marie who had two daughters. I THINK Marie was making her kids get Munchausen Syndrome By Proxy. Now here's my question: why are we so concerned with her?

I have no fucking idea. This Marie chick went missing and the youngest daughter is in a foster home. There's an older girl who's also missing but no one seemed concerned with her. Yumi eventually gets the call of death and now it's personal!

They figure out that Marie use to work in some hospital so Yumi goes to check it out and here the movie had my interest for a bit cause the sprit was following her in super creepy fashion. It would even start putting jars outside of doors. Man, who does she think she is, going around leaving scars? Collecting her jar of hearts?

She's gonna catch a cold...if she wasn't already dead.

If you're still around after that reference, let's wrap this up.

Yamashita discovers Marie's body in the hospital, which saves Yumi from not getting killed. Marie's body comes to life and Yumi calls it Mom and begs for forgiveness. Um.....what? I looked into this and Marie is never mentioned anywhere as being Yumi's mom, so...WHAT THE FUCK???

The cops show up and everyone thinks it's over. But then they find a tape that shows the missing daughter was the abusive one and she would hurt the younger kid. Marie freaked out and left. So........questions!

1. How did Marie die and end up in the hospital?
2. The missing daughter is never shown dying so how did she die?
3. The cops said next to Marie's body was a cell phone with all the phone numbers of all the previous victims, including Yumi. WHY? HOW? How do they know each other?

None of this is making sense. Well, hang on.

Yumi is back at home when the missing daughter shows up and tries to, or does, kill Yumi. Yamashita realizes this and shows up at Yumi's. The missing daughter is disguised like Yumi and she stabs him. He wakes up in the hospital where Yumi is and she starts laughing. And...the end.

Well.

This was directed by Takashi Miike, who CAN make some interesting and fucked up movies (Ichi the Killer, Visitor Q). But this, along with "Audition", is just boring and kinda stupid. I'm sorry, but it's true. This one, at least, had some good effects and some creepy moments but the story was confusing as fuck. It doesn't need to be so complicated. Tell me, why do you have to go and make things so complicated?

I filled my chick rock quota for the day. Later.

-Jason

B-Movie Meatloaf: Robot vs The Aztec Mummy

This movie can be summed up using my patented Dash Points! (Trademark)

-A Professor invites some friends over to his super nice house.
-He starts telling them a story.
-80% of the movie is done in this story/flashback mode.
-First, he tells them that he went to some super big meeting of other super important scientists and professors. He gave a speech about transgressing a woman to their past lives and have them recount things in their past lives.
-Everyone at the meeting laughs at Professor.
-Professor runs away crying.
-He runs home and does the past life transgression on his wife Flora.
-In a past life, Flora was an Aztec princess who had the hots for some warrior dude. They were totally gonna run away together and fornicate until tomorrow noon. Unfortunately, they were caught.
-The princess was sacrificed. The warrior was mummified and forced to guard over a fancy breast plate and a bracelet.
-The Aztecs were so busy doing this they forgot to put the year 2013 on their calender.
-There's a map to some treasure on the breast plate.
-Still in flashback mode, the Professor tells his friends he and...the friend's he's talking to went to a Aztec tomb, found the mummy and the breast plate.
-Wait. Why is telling his friends what they did? Do they have horrible memories?
-The mummy comes to life and goes after the Professor. Professor realizes the mummy wants the breast plate so he returns it. The mummy, apparently, got the hots for Flora so he kidnapped her. While recusing her, Flora's dad flashed a cross, which scared the Mummy (no fucking idea why) and the tomb collasped due to a bomb.
-There's some bad guy named The Bat.
-Yes, that whole bad guy thing literally comes out of nowhere. I'm beginning to think this movie was pieced together from some other movie or show or something.
-The Bat wants the breast plate so he takes the breast plate and kidnaps some if not all of the following people: The Professor, Flora, some dude, a kid, and one of the professor's friends. The Professor is being forced to do...something for The Bat. Thankfully, the mummy shows up for the breast plate, pours acid on The Bat's henchman Bruno, and leaves. The Professor and his fellow prisoner escape.
-The Bat hypnotizes Flora and has her tell him where the Mummy is now staying since the tomb is gone. I guess he's renting a place while it's being rebuilt.
-Once the location of the mummy along with the breast plate is revealed, The Bat works on a plan to steal it.
-Which takes five years.
-This brings us to now, I guess. The Bat is going to steal the breast plate tonight and it's up to the Professor and his Floyd The Barber looking friend to stop him!
-The Professor and Floyd find The Bat's hideout but are captured immedately.
-The Bat does a Bond Villian move and tells them his evil plan instead of killing them. The Plan: build a robot and have it fight and kill the mummy when it awakens cause they have taken the breast plate.
-Again, without killing the Professor, The Bat turns on his robot (that she spent 5 years making) and they walk (SOOOOO.....FUCKING.......SLOOOOOOWLY) to the rented tomb where the mummy is.
-The Bat steals the breast plate and the mummy wakes up.
-The Robot and Aztec Mummy now fight.
-Meanwhile, the Professor and Floyd escape and head over to the rented tomb with the police and Flora.
-There, the Professor destroys the Robot's controls, allowing the mummy to kill the robot. The mummy then kills Bruno and The Bat. Flora uses her past life Aztec Princess powers to tell the mummy to take the shit and hide somewhere FOREVER!
-The End!!

That's seriously it. The fight lasts all of 5 minutes, if that. The "robot" is introduced in the last 10 minutes of the movie, and it's really a guy in silver tubing. This whole movie is a mess. And hey surprise surprise it was bought to American from Mexico by one K. Gordon Murray. Oh K. Gordon Murray, when will your reign of terror end?

-Jason

B-Movie Meatloaf/Zombie Month: Trick R Treat

Yeah, I'm grouping them together. There's zombies in this movie. There's a shitload of other things too like werewolves, vampires, serial killers, and ancient legends taking the form of a walking pumpkin to strike down upon thee with great vengence and FURRRIOUS ANGER to anyone who hates Halloween.

But I'm getting ahead of myself here.


Apparently this movie was made by some GOOD people, like Bryan Singer and stars GOOD people like Dylan Baker and Anna Paquin. Throw me for a loop! The thing about this movie is it was slated to be in theaters but it was just quietly put on DVD. Kinda sad cause it's a good movie.

So something you should know about this movie is there's a bunch of stories happening. It's sort of like an anthology movie but they're all mashed together in some sorta way. It's kinda neat actually. Just to help my poor memory and not make this the most confusing review ever, I'll seperate all the stories and tell you how they intertwine. Deal? Deal.

#1: The Story of the Bitchy Lady
The movie starts with a couple coming home. The Wife hates Halloween, so much so that even before it turns Midnight, she's taking down all the awesome Halloween decorations. The Husband wants to get it on but the bitch is busy taking shit down so he watches their sex tape. I can't imagine the amount of booze it took to convince her to do that.

So she's taking shit down when we get a Michael Meyers-like POV of someone-or someTHING-running around her. Something attacks her under a cover and soon she's dead. The Husband jerked himself off to sleep so when he wakes up he finds her body hanging in the tree, like a Halloween decoration.

#2: The Story of The Serial Killer Who Played A Pedo In A Previous Movie

Dylan Baker must be some crazy guy. He CHOSE to take the role of a pedofile in "Happiness" and now here he's a principal who's a serial killer. He poisons the candy and when a kid eats one and dies in his lap (seriously) Principal Pedo drags the body to the backyard to bury it.

While in the backyard, hijinx ensue. The Neighbor's Dog (coming up later) is barking at him and The Neighbor yells at the dog and then at The Principal. Later, The Principal is finished burying the body and he's planted a tree. This makes sense for a reason but I don't wanna be responsible for serial killers going around doing this so I won't say why.

While The Principal was burying the body, his kid kept shouting at him about carving a pumpkin. The Principal, don't forget he's a serial killer, goes into the house and you THINK he's going to kill the kid. But nope. He's actually got some dude's head on a table. And he's showing his kid how to be a serial killer. Aww!!!

#3: The Story of Anna Paquin

Anna Paquin and her friends are shopping for slutty Halloween costumes. Well, her friends get the slutty costumes. Anna Paquin gets Little Red Riding Hood. No clevage for Anna, I guess. The slutty friends all head out to some party in the woods while Anna is left alone. She needs to find a guy. Somewhere in the middle of this story, there's some guy in black leather with vampire fangs who killed some chick but nobody helped her (including Bitchy Wife from the beginning, see this story is happening earlier) so she died and blended in with the other non-dead dead people.

Ok so Anna Paquin is looking for a guy but one of her slutty friends (might've been her slutty sister actually) found a guy for her: a guy in a giant baby outfit. Nice. So Anna is on her way when the Leather Vampire finds her and bites her. Oh but there's a twist. A few in fact.

1. The Leather Vampire? Is Principal Pedo from earlier!
2. Anna kicked the Principal's ass.
3. She didn't take a self defense class: She's a motherfucking werewolf!


I know that Anna Paquin is on that show "True Blood" and I'm sure all the True Blood tards are gonna make some joke or reference to all this so I'll let them do it. (Looking forwards to Nick's comment the most.)

Alright, so the whole "need to find a guy thing" was just a thing the werewolves in this group (btw all the werewolves are all the hot girls in this town. Go fucking figure) and Anna Paquin never killed before so "this is her first time". Hm, her first time is with a pedo. AND she's Little Red Riding Hood. SYMBOLISM!

So Principal Pedo is eaten.

#4: The Story About The Kids Who Tell A Story About Kids
This story kinda took awhile and was really my favorite up until the last story. So a bunch of kids with names like, I don't know, Bieber, Cody, Fresh, and Macy. (I remember the one girl named Macy cause I was like "So I guess her mom likes to shop or something"). Anyway, the kids are trick or treating AND collecting pumpkins for something. They are a few short so they stop at this one girl's house name Ronda who's like the little girl version of "Rain Man". Ronda made all these neat pumpkins and she agreed to give them some. AND she gets to tag along to whatever it is they're doing.


So they go out to this rock quarry and there Macy tells the story on what happened at this quarry. Thirty years ago all the towns crazy messed up kids were going to a secret school out of town and they were being driven by some bus driver. One day the parents paid the driver to take them to the quarry. The driver stops at the quarry and starts giving the kids candy. One of the kids freaks out and breaks out of his chains (cause all the kids were chained) and tries to start the bus to go home. He manages to get it moving...forward...into the quarry. There, the kids died but the bus driver escaped...

So Macy and her friends are here to put 8 pumpkins down in the water in the quarry to honor them or whatever. Macy, Bieber, and Cody go down first, leaving Fresh and Ronda to come down last. Fresh and Ronda go down last and they hear the other three screaming, then silence. Ronda decides to check it out and she finds the bus sticking out of the lake. Soon, Fresh is screaming and ZOMG ZOMBIE RETARDS!! MORE ZOMBIE RETARDS!! They're eating Fresh and they chase Ronda. Ronda screams and runs and trips and falls and splits her head open.



Oh. It was a joke. Macy, Bieber and Cody were all pulling a joke on Ronda. Why I don't know. But not finding it funny anymore, they decide to leave when...THE REAL ZOMBIE RETARDS SHOW UP! So they attack the pranksters and Ronda just kinda leaves them to be eaten as she goes back up.

#5: The Story of Sam

Throughout all the stories, we kept seeing this kid with a big head with a potato sack over it's head, looking like some demented Raggidy Andy doll. He was just standing there, looking on, dragging his candy. So we kinda get some info on this kid in this story.

We focus on The Principal's neighbor. He doesn't like Halloween. He lives alone with his dog and he just shuffles around, drinking. Soon, something breaks in and starts doing trick or treat pranks on him like egging his house and killing his dog and using the dog's blood to write fucked up shit on the walls. The Neighbor grabs his gun and goes after this thing and soon it's revealed to be the kid with the giant head. According to the imdb.com trivia, this kid's name is Sam. It's not said in the story but the people that made this movie wrote a short story involving this kid.




Oh and it's not really a kid. It's really a walking pumpkin. The Neighbor shoots at him and it looks like it's dead but it's not. Soon he starts pulling hismelf together and is about to kill the Neighbor when Sam finds a candy bar on The Neighbor. Taking this as a gesture of good will, Sam leaves the Neighbor to live and leaves.

Now the Neighbor knows better so he celebrates Halloween by giving out candy. Oh and the Neighbor? He's the bus driver from the other story. Yep. I think M. Night secretly wrote this. So The Neighbor/Driver sees Sam standing there when Sam sets his sights on the Bitchy wife and hears her anti-Halloween rants and well...you know.

So Sam is suppose to be like the embodiment of Halloween. If you hate Halloween or fuck it up, Sam will kill you. Thankfully, I celebrate Halloween every year. So I won't be visited by Sam.

I fuckin' loved this movie. It was awesome. I loved how the stories kinda weaved together. It all made sense. The acting was great. The effect were awesome. Gah, it's like...NOT a b-movie. I didn't know that! Oh well. It's too late to pick another movie for the Meatloaf so this will be the one GOOD movie, I guess.

-Jason

B Movie Meatloaf: Flu Birds

This month's theme for the Meatloaf is "Sci-Fi Original Films". (I refuse to use the retarded spelling they came up with), which isn't easy cause a lot of those aren't out on DVD, and all the good titles (Sharktopus anyone?) was taken. So I was really scraping the bottom of the fucking barrel on this one.

This movie oddly enough came out right when bird flu was ending and swine flu was beginning. Look out for Flu Swines this fall!

We start with two hunters out in the woods and one of them is dubbed for some reason. They walk around and argue when some giant ass birds swoop down and kills one and bites the other. The other stumbles through the woods until Ranger Garrett finds him and takes him to the hospital.

Meanwhile, a bunch of "teenagers" are out in the woods as part of a "Kids At Risk" program, where their councilor is forcing them to go camping. For whatever reason, the fat guy, named Porky, is walking around the woods blindfolded. Soon, Porky and the councilor is attacked by said birds. I'll say this about the movie, it didn't take long to set up the plot.



Unfortuately that means I have another hour and 20 minutes before the end. Fuck my life.

Just to get this out of the way, the kids are (in no order): Jackson, who gives everybody a Swayer-like nickname. Jackson is a major asshole and I kept wishing he'd die already. There's also Lola, the slut who hooks up with Jackson. There's Derrick, the black one. The one Jackson calls "hip-hop" cause he likes rap. And there's Ava, who looks like Avril Lavinge in some angles.

Hey hey! You you! I don't like your shitty bird movie!

Jackson declares himself the leader cause he's an asshole and thinks the flare gun is a real gun and points it at everyone. They run through the woods, with Ava carrying a injured Porky. They find an abandoned Fort and hide in that, but they soon realize two things:
1. It's full of explosives
2. It's full of leaking gas.

Gosh, how is THIS gonna play out?

Despite the gas thing, Jackson stupidly lights the flare off in the fort, killing a minor character that was there for 10 minutes. They realize they need to get out before the gas kills them, but the birds are outside. They need a distraction.



Meanwhile, Garrett takes Hunter #2 to the hospital where his old girlfriend Dr. Hale is looking at him. She determines that the hunter has a rare type of bird flu that isn't found in this country. And the only way it's contaigous if it's passed through bodily fluids. So it's an STD then.

By the way, this hunter dude doesn't look right. I would've pulled the plug hours ago if he started looking like this.



Back at Fort Gassy, the stupid kids vote on if they should throw Porky out to the bird while they run. Ava doesn't want to do it but everyone else agrees, so they do and it works. Alrighty then.

Thinking they've finally gotten away from Jackson, I figured everyone else would've ran their own way to safety but no, after Jackson tries to fuck Lola, the birds return and they all team up again. They eventually find the hunters cabin and hide out in there. Unfortuately, they find the hunter's guns and Jackson now has a REAL gun. Aw fuck.

Now I have a shotgun. Ho. Ho. Ho

Dr. Hale called CDC and as a result they sent fuckin' every agency out to the hospital to contain this thing. The leader of the C.I.A, who's French for some reason, is like "nobody can leave!" but Garrett is like "I'm leaving" and Frenchy is like "ok".

Garrett and Dr. Hale leave to look for Ava and the kids, because Ava found a walkie-talkie and used it to talk to Garrett. Sucky thing is, no one knows how to navigate in the forest, so telling him where they're at is gonna be tricky. Nice.

But once they get to the cabin, Garrett knows where that's at and heads that way. But there's all kinds of drama like:
1. Derrick getting bit by a bird, so he's getting sick.
2. Jackson knowing Derrick is sick so he keeps shoving the shotgun in his face.
3. Frenchy is ordering an air strike on the area where the birds are.
4. The birds are outside the cabin and need...another distraction.

I got a new Desktop picture!

*Sigh* Derrick sacrifices himself while everyone runs and Frenchy is about to blow up the area when Garrett says he and the kids are still in the strike zone. Frenchy agrees to wait five minutes (I don't got FIVE FUCKIN' MINUTES, DENNY!) while Garrett finds the kids, try to outdrive an animal with fucking wings, and eventually crash the car. A bird attacks the helicopter Frenchy is in and it crashes. Even though it was carrying explosives that was suppose to wipe out a forest, it just merely goes "Boom" and that's it.

They all head BACK to the fort, where Ava comes up with the plan to blow up the fort using the explosives AND the gas. WOW! REALLY??? But someone has to stay behind. Because Jackson got spit on by Derrick (long story, don't ask) he thinks he's sick and decides to stay around to blow the fort up. Everyone is like "cool. Peace out" and leaves him behind.

Now clearly, Dr. Hale said there was five birds. Two birds enter the fort when Jackson blows the place up. When everyone is walking away from the explosion, they say "that's it. They're all dead."

WHAT?? No! Oh god, they're gonna make a sequel. Ugh.

Anyway, that's it. They all walk away, movie ends. No mention how all this got started or what the fuck was going on or jesus christ this movie was fucking long, even though it was only an hour and 25 minutes.

Well, it's a Sci-Fi original movie, so it sucks ass. The acting is terrible. The CGI is terrible. Everything is terrible. I didn't root for a single person cause everybody was annoying in their own way. I wish the birds ate everybody. Hell, I wish the birds ate ME so I didn't have to watch this shitty movie.

-Jason

B-Movie Meatloaf: Paranormal Entity

After spending the morning boiled into controversy, I took a heavy sigh and put in "Paranormal Entity" in my DVD player.

For those of you not in the know, "Entity" was made by The Asylum, a movie company I talk about a lot. They pretty much scan all the COMING SOON TO THEATERS trailers and as quickly as possible, whip up their own versions of said movies, but with a slight twist. Then they release these movies around the same day as the original movie hits theaters, possibly hoping to confuse stupid people and old ladies.





"Oh, my grandson was talking about this Transmorphers movie and here it is. I'll buy this for him so he doesn't need to spend only God knows how much seeing it in the picture house. Here you go, Tommy!"

One of these shameful rip-off's was on "Paranormal Activity" and this is really shameful. I can see tricking people into watching movies like "Transmorphers" or "The Terminators" or even "Alien vs Hunter" but making a movie based on "found" footage? It'll make you wonder how many wanna-be film makers are out there trying to capture "real" footage of spooky stuff.

With that said, "Entity" takes the "Activity" story and spins it on it's head. We focus on Thomas and his sister Samantha and his Mom. Sam is fucking hot and I'm pretty sure Thomas wants to do her in the worse way. He spends most of the beginning filming her and her clevage.



They eventually set up the story which is Mom tried to talk to her dead husband one night and ever since, "something" has been causing chaos in the house. Thomas, despite being unemployed, manages to buy THREE high quality cameras with awesome night vison.

If you seen "Activity" then you know what the night vison footage looks like. Things start off kinda slow. A TV turns on and off on it's own. A phone rings with no one on the other end. A table moves. A cross over Sam's bed keeps falling off. And of course Thomas responds to screams with camera in hand.

Things amp up a bit when one night a loud thud and stomping is heard. All three go investigate and they find footprints on the ceiling. Maybe it's Spider Pig? The next morning Thomas finds out the footprints are covered in ash and he finds Dad's urn knocked over and footprints all around it.



I'll admit, this scene was effective.

Some more nights go by and Sam seems to be the target of these attacks. "Whatever" is in the house manages to push the camera in her bedroom (Thomas' idea, obviously) into the closet and it tries to rape her. Eventually, Thomas tells Mom and Sam to leave the house for the night so he can try to stop this thing himself. His idea? Set up "Home Alone" style traps. Well, ok, it's only a string with a bell attached. But...IT WALKED ON THE FUCKING CEILING!!! Put a bell up there.



Oddly enough, this bell trick works. I guess these demons can only walk on the ceiling so often. Thomas investigates and he's attacked by the bells. Mom calls and says Sam was attacked at the hotel so they might as well come home. During another night footage scene, Mom wakes up in a daze and writes the word MARON on a piece of paper. Of course Mom doesn't remember this. According to this site, Maron means "Sturgon". Oh of course, that solves everything. They ate a possessed fish and now it's pissed off.



While this is happening, the family is trying to call a paranormal investigator and/or exorcist but he seems to be on vacation. Vacation? They don't do anything! How do you take a vacation from talking to ghosts? Whatever.

Eventually, we see Sam in her bra and later fully topless and of course Thomas is there. One night, Mom wakes up and slits her wrists and she ends up going to the hospital. FINALLY, this exorcist shows up and pretty much says "If I didn't go away, none of this would've happened." Surprisingly, Thomas didn't punch the shit out of this guy.



To demostrate this anti-climatic ending, here's my famous Dash Style detailing exactly what happens in real time here we go.
-Exoricst walks around the house with his hands in the air (cause he's a true playa) and goes "Yes".
-Exoricst then talks to Sam and tells her what she already knows: this "thing" is after her.
-Exorcist then tells Thomas and Sam to clear their minds, cause they're gonna rid of this thing.
-Screen goes black.
-Sam is screaming. Camera turns back on. Exorcist is dead.
-Thomas grabs the camera and runs through the house and finds random things thrown all over the place, including Dad's ashes.
-Thomas runs into Sam's room and finds her naked and possibly being raped by a ghost.
-Thomas drops the camera and now this movie is ripping off "Blair Witch Project".
-Things go super quiet. Then "something" picks up the camera and films a dead naked Sam.
-Screen goes black and some title cards come up to tell us that Mom killed herself when she learned Sam and Thomas died.
-There's another title card and this one has a typo. See if you can find it:


And that's it. I hate to admit it, but this movie got to me a few times. And this is really the perfect movie for The Asylum. The budget doesn't have to exceed a thousand dollars (if that) and they just need some people who want to be actors but can't get Speilberg's attention. No special effects besides fishing line. And extras to scream and moan. So for the film itself, it's not too bad. But the original is WAAAY better. And scarier.

-Jason