Tuesday, November 20, 2012

The Task

This poster is far creepier than the entire movie, just letting you know right now.

I don't know how many people remember the MTV show "Fear". It came on around 2000-2001 and it was a horror reality show. A group of people get locked into a supposedly haunted place, normally a prison or insane asylum, and they have to spend the night there while doing these missions. If they all survived the night, they get $5000 or something.

"The Task" is pretty much a movie version of that. Except THERE'S A REAL GHOST WHOA-OH!!!!!

We start off with Dixon, the SUPER stereotypical black guy. How stereotypical? He's listening to rap music! He says words like "yo" and "dawg" and "shiiiit naw"! He says people tell him he looks like Will Smith or Obama! WOW I'm not even black and I'm offended. Anyway, Dixon (I'm surprised his name wasn't Jamal or Lamar or T'Quan or something) is walking down the street when he's grabbed and put into a van full of scared people wearing pig masks.

During the LONG ASS OPENING CREDITS (I hate movies that have long ass movie credits) the van drives the pig mask wearing people to the SPOOKY prison outside of town that's haunted by the old Warden. You probably already know the Warden did horrible things to the inmates and was a bad person and blah blah blah. Yeah, typical.

Like I said, the set up is the same as "Fear". These people are locked in a prison for a night and they have to do certain tasks. If they do the tasks and "survive" they win a gazillion dollars. Or some such amount of money. Who's our contestants?

-There's the brother and sister team Stanton (the guy) and Angel (the girl, who I thought was very very fucking cute, but I seem to like my women tough so who knows).
-The future starlet who calls herself Shoe who wants to be an actress and swears the camera loves her.
-Toni, a super duper smart chick.
-Randall, the SUPER FLAMING GAY guy. I will talk about him in a minute.
-Dixon of course

You'll never guess who the over the top gay guy is in this picture.

"Oh no! I haven't said a black stereotype in two minutes. Uh...YO HOMIE! WORD! Phew..."

So Randall. Much like Dixon, he's such an offensive stereotype that I'm not gay and I was offended. He wore fashionable scarves, walked with his hands in a dainty position, and kept saying things like "I haven't gone STRAIGHT in a long time" or "I thought coming out of the closet was hard" and of course "DO IT GIRLFRIEND!!" If my TV didn't cost over $200 I would've punched the living fuck out of it.

Behind the scenes there's producer Connie, who's one tough broad and the guys controlling all the cameras along with the special effects Snow, Big Daddy, and...some other guy who didn't get a name. Why did Big Daddy get a name but not him?! The hell. And there's the host Taylor, who's your typical scumbag host. So Connie is calling the shots and the contestants go into the prison to start their Task!

The first task involves Randall going to a cell, lighting a candle, and saying The Lords Prayer backwards to invoke the spirit of the Warden. I will say, The Lords Prayer backwards is creepy sounding. Here it is forward if you're not familiar. I don't wanna risk bad voodoo by posting it backwards.

Our Father in heaven,
hallowed be your name.
Your Kingdom come, 
your will be done, 
on earth as in heaven
Give us today our daily bread.
Forgive us our sins,
as we forgive those who sin against us. 
Lead us not into temptation, 
but deliver us from evil. 
For the kingdom, 
the power and the glory are yours. 
Now and for ever.

Yeah. So....

Next task Dixon has to go into a literal shit hole and just lay there. Ewwww.....

Alright at this point, my patience was wearing off and I was waiting for SOMETHING to happen. Don't get me wrong, I was a fan of the show "Fear" so I wanted to know what was gonna happen, but knowing that the REAL ghost was gonna show up eventually was making my antsy. Or it could've been that ant farm I broke last week. Either way.

So yes the ghost of the Warden shows up and locks Dixon in the shit hole. Connie is like "What the fuck? He's not part of the show!" then thinks the network running the show is pulling a prank on her and decides to play along.

Eventually, the others get involved. Toni is strapped to a chair in a gas chamber, both Randall and Shoe have to eat a raw steak (WHAT, RANDALL DIDN'T SAY MMMMM I LOVE HAVING MEAT SLIDING DOWN MY THROAT!!! Sorry, I'm just bitter...), and Dixon....is still in a shit hole. The only one not doing anything is Angel, who just spends the entire movie in the Warden's office (the safe spot if you will).

At this point it becomes your standard haunted place movie. The Warden shows up to each person one by one and kills them. He kills Toni, Shoe, Randall, and Dixon. Connie realizes the network had nothing to do with any of this and pulls the plug to get them out of there BUT IT'S TOO LATE!!! LE GASP!!!!

Stanton gets hung upside down and cut open, causing his blood and guts to spill out, while a gaggle of inmate ghosts come running to the smell of fresh guts. AHH! Just like Momma use to make. Angel, who is let out of the office, sees Stanton getting killed and freaks out. 

BUT THEN THERE'S A TWIST!!! Can you guess? C'mon, it could be obvious. I called it about 30 minutes before it happened. Ready to say it with me?

None of what we saw was real. It was all a prank. On Connie. Why? Who cares?! But Shoe, Randall, and some of the crew guys we saw get killed are still alive, apparently Randall isn't really gay which IS ACTUALLY WORSE and they hired three 1920's strongmen to play The Warden. Connie is like "boy is my face red! Let's go home!"

BUT THERE'S ANOTHER TWIST!! And you know that one too. The ghost...IS REAL!! And he really killed Toni, Dixon, and Stanton. And he's about to kill everybody else to by turning on a wind machine and reenacting the Blur video for "Song 2". 

But Angel manages to escape, along with the nameless crew guy and the movie ends. Well...that was...a thing...wasn't it?

If you even remember the MTV show I'm talking about, this movie will just remind you of that the entire time, which kept my interest. If you never seen it, then you will probably be bored to tears cause not a lot happens throughout the movie, and it just turns into a standard sub-par haunted place movie. You can see BOTH twists coming before you even put the DVD in and the acting annoyed me because of how stereotypical they went.

Basically, if they cast me as a character in this movie, it'd probably be like:

"FUCK YEAH!! Boobs tits blood!! I LOVE HORROR MOVIES!! OH! This is like that one lame horror movie I watched yesterday while fucking my HOT GIRLFRIEND! FUCK FUCK FUCK SHIT FUCK MOTHERFUCKING FUCK!!!!!"

Something like that.


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