Captain Ron

I know, a comedy? Why? And why "Captain Ron" of all things? I'll tell you.

As much as I love bad movies and horror movies, I LOVE comedies. There's only a small handful of comedies that I don't like, one of which is "Corky Romano". "Captain Ron" falls in that category of "it's a lame comedy that people make fun of other people for watching." Like "Oh you love stupid movies, you MUST love 'Captain Ron', don't you?"

Oddly enough, this was my first time watching it. I have no idea how I haven't seen this before mainly because this is the type of movie my mother would eat up. Well, she probably rented it when I was a kid and thought it was too "dirty" for me. This coming from the same woman that introduced me to "Die Hard" at the age of 9 but whatever.

I always seem to have to defend my love of comedies because the comedies that I love, EVERYONE seems to hate. Don't get me wrong, I love stuff like "Airplane!" and the "Vacation" movies and I LOVE "Anchorman" but I also love stuff like "BASEketball" "Hot Rod", and "Billy Madison". Which brings us to "Captain Ron".

Kurt Russell seems to have the uncanny ability to be a badass simultaneously as being funny. He's awesome in "Overboard" and you have to admit he's both funny AND a badass in "Big Trouble in Little China" so I didn't think we would have a problem here. And Martin Short is also in this movie, who I can either take or leave. He's funny in "Innerspace" and of course "Three Amigos" and...oh god that's it. I find his Jiminy Glick character annoying as fuck and he was in "Clifford" and...oh man.

Oddly enough, in "Captain Ron" he's kind of subdued. He's not his overly hyperactive self. He's more like a toned down Jerry Lewis going "Oh jeez I don't know about that! Oh boy! Let's have an adventure! Captain Ron!"

Ok onto the movie. Martin Short is...Martin. Wow. Ok then. Martin works some job that we never really get much detail on outside of the fact it's in downtown Chicago, it's in a tall building, and the windows in these buildings seem to just fall down onto the streets randomly. Cause you know they wouldn't know how to make giant buildings in Chicago. PFFT!

Anyway, Martin goes through a painfully unfunny bit where he gets on an elevator and has a lady sneeze in his coffee for 20 minutes before getting word that a Great Uncle of his died and left him his nice luxury boat that once belonged to Clark Gable called The Wanderer.

Martin gets excited and rushes home, pretty much in the middle of the day but by the time he gets home it's late afternoon when he would normally be arriving? The timing made no sense. Anyway, Martin finds out the boat is worth close to a million dollars and he plans on selling it but before he does he wants to ride on it one last time.

He brings this up to his wife who OF COURSE hates the idea because WOMEN, huh?! (NOTE TO SELF: Don't tell Joanna to NOT read this review.) And the wife has a valid point because neither of them knows how to steer a boat and they have two kids, one aged 10 and one aged 16. The sixteen-year-old Caroline just got engaged to a punk rocker because OH BOY PARENTS WORST NIGHTMARE! And the 10-year-old is your typical trouble maker.

They only go on this trip because of the daughter's engagement. If it wasn't for that little plot point that literally goes NOWHERE, none of this would've happened. Fuck it, bring the boat to Chicago. I've seen weirder things parked in backyards in the suburbs of Chicago.

They fly down to one random Caribbean island to retrieve the boat and find that it's not in the greatest condition. Boy, talk about a JUNK!!! (Sorry, it's this movie you see...) But they need someone to steer to boat...hmm...

ENTER CAPTAIN RON! He's pretty much Snake Plissken without the charm. Meaning he has an eye patch, a don't give a fuck attitude, and probably hasn't showered in months. He rambles some stuff to Martin about how to run the beat up engine and how to operate the boat before leaving the island.

Then the hijinks ensue as Captain Ron drinks, swears, messes up, and steers the boat to wrong islands. My main issue with the movie is the lack of set up. It's like the movie is anxious to get to it's punchline they don't set it up. Like we know Captain Ron is a fuck up but he's still kinda lovable. So naturally two things SHOULD happen: 1. everybody BUT Martin hates him, while Martin thinks he's a great guy and wants to give him a chance.
2. everybody BUT Martin LOVES him, while Martin suspects Ron is faking everything and wants to bang the wife and daughter.

The movie goes with option two but it happens so fast you don't realize it's happening. One scene Martin is like "I like Captain Ron" and the next scene he's like "I WANT HIM OFF THIS BOAT!!!" and that's it. Almost all the jokes in this movie are like that.

For instance, they arrive on some island (called Ted's) and while eating, Martin decides to head back to the boat. Ron tells him to watch out for gorillas. Martin goes "THERE ARE NO GORILLAS HERE!!" and takes off. Before you can say "oh he meant GUERRILLAS" Martin is face to face with a gun. Normally, this would play out for some laughs as he tries to talk his way out of it but jump cut next scene Martin tells us that Ron talked themselves out of it. Oh and they must give the guerrillas a ride. LAUGH DAMMIT!

This movie has so many wasted opportunities like the fact the daughter seems to be a giant slut, hitting on every guy on every island that you'd think eventually she'd hit on the wrong guy and trouble would ensue. Nope, she's just a slut. End of story. And there's a part where they end up in Puerto Rico with the guerrillas and the island EXILES THE AMERICANS for bringing them here. Do I need to explain that going to Puerto Rico is like going to anywhere else in America and you can't just get exiled. Maybe arrested and whatnot yes but not kicked out of the country.

Eventually, Ron pisses off some actual pirates of the Caribbean and they steal The Wanderer, leaving the family on a raft floating to Cuba. Oh boy, here comes the Cuban jokes. AND this was the late '80s, early '90s so yeah. Anyway, of course Ron comes to the rescue to redeem himself, they get the boat looking pretty, Ron parts ways with the family who is now stronger than ever, and they decide to keep the boat. See? It'd look lovely going down Michigan Ave!

I really hate to say this but I didn't laugh once during this movie. I didn't do anything really. I just watched it, went "Oh that happened", and waited for the next thing to happen. I didn't HATE the movie, but the worst crime a comedy can commit is not being funny and when you have Kurt Russell being a sleazeball and Martin Short being overly anxious, there should be some comedy but none was to be found.

If I had a lame bucket list of movies, I would probably be shaking my head as I crossed this movie off. And crying. definitely crying.



-Jason

The Task

This poster is far creepier than the entire movie, just letting you know right now.

I don't know how many people remember the MTV show "Fear". It came on around 2000-2001 and it was a horror reality show. A group of people get locked into a supposedly haunted place, normally a prison or insane asylum, and they have to spend the night there while doing these missions. If they all survived the night, they get $5000 or something.

"The Task" is pretty much a movie version of that. Except THERE'S A REAL GHOST WHOA-OH!!!!!

We start off with Dixon, the SUPER stereotypical black guy. How stereotypical? He's listening to rap music! He says words like "yo" and "dawg" and "shiiiit naw"! He says people tell him he looks like Will Smith or Obama! WOW I'm not even black and I'm offended. Anyway, Dixon (I'm surprised his name wasn't Jamal or Lamar or T'Quan or something) is walking down the street when he's grabbed and put into a van full of scared people wearing pig masks.

During the LONG ASS OPENING CREDITS (I hate movies that have long ass movie credits) the van drives the pig mask wearing people to the SPOOKY prison outside of town that's haunted by the old Warden. You probably already know the Warden did horrible things to the inmates and was a bad person and blah blah blah. Yeah, typical.

Like I said, the set up is the same as "Fear". These people are locked in a prison for a night and they have to do certain tasks. If they do the tasks and "survive" they win a gazillion dollars. Or some such amount of money. Who's our contestants?

-There's the brother and sister team Stanton (the guy) and Angel (the girl, who I thought was very very fucking cute, but I seem to like my women tough so who knows).
-The future starlet who calls herself Shoe who wants to be an actress and swears the camera loves her.
-Toni, a super duper smart chick.
-Randall, the SUPER FLAMING GAY guy. I will talk about him in a minute.
-Dixon of course

You'll never guess who the over the top gay guy is in this picture.

"Oh no! I haven't said a black stereotype in two minutes. Uh...YO HOMIE! WORD! Phew..."

So Randall. Much like Dixon, he's such an offensive stereotype that I'm not gay and I was offended. He wore fashionable scarves, walked with his hands in a dainty position, and kept saying things like "I haven't gone STRAIGHT in a long time" or "I thought coming out of the closet was hard" and of course "DO IT GIRLFRIEND!!" If my TV didn't cost over $200 I would've punched the living fuck out of it.

Behind the scenes there's producer Connie, who's one tough broad and the guys controlling all the cameras along with the special effects Snow, Big Daddy, and...some other guy who didn't get a name. Why did Big Daddy get a name but not him?! The hell. And there's the host Taylor, who's your typical scumbag host. So Connie is calling the shots and the contestants go into the prison to start their Task!

The first task involves Randall going to a cell, lighting a candle, and saying The Lords Prayer backwards to invoke the spirit of the Warden. I will say, The Lords Prayer backwards is creepy sounding. Here it is forward if you're not familiar. I don't wanna risk bad voodoo by posting it backwards.

Our Father in heaven,
hallowed be your name.
Your Kingdom come, 
your will be done, 
on earth as in heaven
Give us today our daily bread.
Forgive us our sins,
as we forgive those who sin against us. 
Lead us not into temptation, 
but deliver us from evil. 
For the kingdom, 
the power and the glory are yours. 
Now and for ever.

Yeah. So....

Next task Dixon has to go into a literal shit hole and just lay there. Ewwww.....

Alright at this point, my patience was wearing off and I was waiting for SOMETHING to happen. Don't get me wrong, I was a fan of the show "Fear" so I wanted to know what was gonna happen, but knowing that the REAL ghost was gonna show up eventually was making my antsy. Or it could've been that ant farm I broke last week. Either way.

So yes the ghost of the Warden shows up and locks Dixon in the shit hole. Connie is like "What the fuck? He's not part of the show!" then thinks the network running the show is pulling a prank on her and decides to play along.

Eventually, the others get involved. Toni is strapped to a chair in a gas chamber, both Randall and Shoe have to eat a raw steak (WHAT, RANDALL DIDN'T SAY MMMMM I LOVE HAVING MEAT SLIDING DOWN MY THROAT!!! Sorry, I'm just bitter...), and Dixon....is still in a shit hole. The only one not doing anything is Angel, who just spends the entire movie in the Warden's office (the safe spot if you will).

At this point it becomes your standard haunted place movie. The Warden shows up to each person one by one and kills them. He kills Toni, Shoe, Randall, and Dixon. Connie realizes the network had nothing to do with any of this and pulls the plug to get them out of there BUT IT'S TOO LATE!!! LE GASP!!!!

Stanton gets hung upside down and cut open, causing his blood and guts to spill out, while a gaggle of inmate ghosts come running to the smell of fresh guts. AHH! Just like Momma use to make. Angel, who is let out of the office, sees Stanton getting killed and freaks out. 

BUT THEN THERE'S A TWIST!!! Can you guess? C'mon, it could be obvious. I called it about 30 minutes before it happened. Ready to say it with me?

None of what we saw was real. It was all a prank. On Connie. Why? Who cares?! But Shoe, Randall, and some of the crew guys we saw get killed are still alive, apparently Randall isn't really gay which IS ACTUALLY WORSE and they hired three 1920's strongmen to play The Warden. Connie is like "boy is my face red! Let's go home!"

BUT THERE'S ANOTHER TWIST!! And you know that one too. The ghost...IS REAL!! And he really killed Toni, Dixon, and Stanton. And he's about to kill everybody else to by turning on a wind machine and reenacting the Blur video for "Song 2". 

But Angel manages to escape, along with the nameless crew guy and the movie ends. Well...that was...a thing...wasn't it?

If you even remember the MTV show I'm talking about, this movie will just remind you of that the entire time, which kept my interest. If you never seen it, then you will probably be bored to tears cause not a lot happens throughout the movie, and it just turns into a standard sub-par haunted place movie. You can see BOTH twists coming before you even put the DVD in and the acting annoyed me because of how stereotypical they went.

Basically, if they cast me as a character in this movie, it'd probably be like:

"FUCK YEAH!! Boobs tits blood!! I LOVE HORROR MOVIES!! OH! This is like that one lame horror movie I watched yesterday while fucking my HOT GIRLFRIEND! FUCK FUCK FUCK SHIT FUCK MOTHERFUCKING FUCK!!!!!"

Something like that.



-Jason

Found Footage Fest 2012: Lake Mungo

I never really heard of this movie until I was doing research for this blogathon. I said "why not?" cause it's on Instant Watch. I didn't know anything about it going into it, and frankly (SPOILER ALERT FOR MY REVIEW) I kinda wish I kept it that way.

The set up is this. A family goes on an outing to a lake (not Lake Mungo, another lake) and the daughter Alice disappears. A few weeks later, they find her dead body in the water. After that, the brother Mathew decides to set up cameras all over the place and captures spooky shit happening all over the house, like figures roaming around late at night. They team up with a psychic named Ray to get to the bottom of this.

That sounds all simple, right? Here's the problem with this movie: IT TAKES TOO FUCKING LONG TO GET TO A POINT!!!! I've seen my fair share of boring movies before but holy fuckballs this movie is BOOOOOORRRRRING!!! Nothing scary happens, pretty much throughout the movie. There's maybe ONE really creepy thing toward the end that I'll mention in a minute but that's it.

Now, you're probably thinking, blind person hearing this review as read by your reader, "if the brother set up a camera and caught something, isn't that creepy?" Well, it kinda was but two things: 1. when they show the footage you don't know it's suppose to be a "ghost" cause it's too damn blurry and 2. (Maybe spoiler but who gives a fuck) the spooky footage wasn't a ghost...IT WAS MATHEW!! He was pretending to be his dead sisters ghost to....I don't even know. I think it was literally NO REASON!

So then the movie is just going on and on, being boring when they look at some footage again and find a NON-GHOST creeping in the background. They realize this non-ghost is their neighbor and he's looking for a sex tape he made with the dead daughter. While she was alive. It's not established how old the daughter was suppose to be so we're not sure how this plays out. I GUESS she was a minor cause the police was looking for the neighbor. But I forgot to mention this is an Australian film so I dunno.

Anyway, Mom totally forgot about Alice going to a school trip to Lake Mungo where she lost her cell phone and maybe something on there will give some answers to the nothing that's been happening. The family goes there, finds the cell phone, and here is where we get our only scary moment in the movie. Alice was visited by a ghost...OF HERSELF!!!! LE GASP!!

And that's it. Right after that, the family is like "Alice is at peace" and they move out of their house. And apparently when you're a ghost you can time travel cause we revisit some old pictures and I think we're suppose to see Alice in the background, but again it was blurry as fuck so it was hard to tell. There is kind of an interesting moment where Alice is talking to psychic Ray and her dreams are of her being a ghost in the present. That's about it.

Yeah, I was bored to tears. During parts of it, my mind would drift off and I'd think about other project I have going on or the latest movie I'd need to watch for The Lair or MILF and then I'd go "Oh yeah I should pay attention". Seriously, this movie is fucking boring. Just skip it.



-Jason

Found Footage Fest 2012: The St. Francisville Experiment

One Guy: Hey I got an idea
Other Guy: Yes?
One Guy: That movie "The Blair Witch Project" sure is popular.
Other Guy: It sure is!
One Guy: How about we make a movie JUST LIKE that but instead....IT'S IN A HOUSE!!
Other Guy: You're a fucking genius! Here's $30 dollars!
One Guy: That's half our budget already!

Or something like that.

"The St. Francisville Experiment" starts off like a documentary with a guy telling us everything that we're about to see is totes real cause it wouldn't be a "found footage" film without that! Then we meet our characters. Paul is the leader, Tim is the camera man, Madison is the psychic/ghost expert, I guess, and Ryan (female) is...very fucking annoying. I have no idea what the fuck she was doing there but SPOILER ALERT she was REALLY fucking annoying.

Here's the scoop: a long ass time ago, some lady who name isn't important was discovered torturing slaves in her house. She managed to escape to a house in St. Francisville and this is the house our cast is going to spend the rest of the movie in.

I'm really gonna make this short cause there isn't a whole lot here. A good 45 minutes of them in the house is just them roaming around scaring each other and everybody acting like douchebags. Madison wants to do weird psychic stuff all the time, which gets annoying. Ryan screams at FUCKING EVERYTHING for no reason, and they don't find a lot of stuff.

There's one part that had me wondering if this was a spoof of found footage movies because they hear a noise in a cabinet and they take forever to open it and when they do....a fucking cat jumps out at them. I'm not even kidding. And they tried to play this seriously! It was stupid.

They finally go into the attic, which has the highest amounts of ghost activity and they film a chair flying across the room. Things start to pick up here but then they slow the fuck down when Madison says they all must separate and each go into a haunted room to rid the house of evil ghosts. It slows down cause Paul is chosen to go into the spooky attic and I swear to fucking god he spends 10 FUCKING MINUTES on the staircase whining about not wanting to go into the attic.

FINALLY they all go into their rooms and do a spell to release the evil spirits when all sorts of hell break loose. There's a creepy moment in Madison's room when we see a ghost appear in a mirror and attack her. Then Tim finds a secret passage way and is dragged by unseen forces. I'm gonna go ahead and spoil the ending because this isn't a movie I don't think you should waste your time with. Everybody gets out alive. Seriously. They all manage to escape the ghosts and the house and end up alive, just with insomina and nightmares. That's it.

So this movie was a giant waste of time. It had potential and there were some good scares, but unfortunately it wasn't enough. Skip this movie.



-Jason

ATM

While I was renting "Cabin In The Woods" (short review: fucking awesome movie), I saw this little movie as well. Looking at the cover, I formed the movie in the head and said "That's so fucking ridiculous. I must watch that." So I rented that as well and now here we are. I have see this movie! Yeah! That's more then YOU can say.

Sorry I got snippy. This movie left me in a foul mood.

Alright so we meet David who does one of those fancy jobs where he takes cares of people's stocks or some shit and he's in love with Alice Eve, who played the 10 in "She's Outta My League". But he can't get the nerve to talk to her. So David's friend Corey convinces him to not only stay for the Christmas party but talk to Alice Eve. Yes, I actually forgot her name. My brain is quickly erasing this movie so I better write fast.

David agrees to stay even though he's in a bitter mood about losing a client or something and during the party he gets the courage to talk to her and ask her out. She agrees and also agrees to let David give her a ride home. The problem is David is Corey's Designated Driver so he has to take him home too. This makes for an awkward car ride.

Along the way, Corey wants to get a bite to eat but he needs money so he asks David to stop at the next ATM. They find one and Corey goes to use it and the ATM comes to life and eats him. The end.

Ok, no. I only wish that would happen. Instead through a very annoying character development, David and Alice Eve go into the ATM with Corey. To explain, it's one of those small ATM vestibules with a locked door and you need your debit card to open the doors. Anyway, now that all of our characters are in this ATM room, let the fun begin!

They notice a guy in a winter coat standing outside the ATM, just standing. Only Alice Eve wants to stay in the ATM while the guys are willing to ignore the guy and just leave. But before anyone can do anything, another guy shows up and our Killer goes up to him and kills him for no reason, to prove he's a bad ass. So now that they know he's serious, the shit begins.

That's more or less the movie. The three of them are trapped, not knowing what to do. They try several things to get out like writing HELP on the window, getting a security guard's attention, and finally just make a run for it. The killer manages to kill the guard and stay one step ahead of everybody. And when he's not out front just standing there, he's in the back trying to get a back door open. It's never explained why he wants to open this back door because when it goes to the inside, you don't see the back door. So...I dunno.

Alright, I'm getting bored writing this fucking review so let's just go through it quickly, shall we?

A guy suddenly bursts into the room and they think he's the killer but after killing him, they realize it's not and feel bad.

Corey decides to make a run for it and he runs into a fishing line the killer put up. The killer then comes and kills him.

David keeps trying to kick in the ATM hoping it'd get some the cops attention but that doesn't do any good.

The killer finally gets bored (like us) and manages to get a fire hose into the ATM and fill it with water while blocking the front door. Then the killer grabs a seat outside the ATM and watches all the fun.

David and Alice Eve decides to activate the fire alarm by starting a fire but Alice Eve slips on some water and this kills her.

The killer drives ANOTHER car through the ATM, which allows the water and David to escape. David manages to make a Molotov cocktail and thinks he set the killer on fire but he hasn't. Then the cops show up and of course, the cops think David lost his fucking mind and arrest him. THEN WE GET A TWIST ENDING!

SPOILER ALERT we never find out who the killer is. And he just some dude who plans murders around ATM's...I guess. Anyway, THE END!

The only reason I kept watching was to see if we ever find out who the killer was but we don't, so it's a frustrating boring film. I guess people might like the fact the killer was just some guy out ruining people's lives but they kept hiding his face, making it seem like it was someone we knew. I dunno, I don't recommend this movie in the least bit. If you want something better, watch "Frozen". This is almost the same movie, minus the pissing and wolves.



-Jason

Old School Summer: The Boogens

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Old School Summer: Bloody Murder 2

Status: Own

And so they made a sequel. After the first movie ended and I glanced down at the DVD case I have and saw there was a sequel on the same disc, I sighed heavy hearted because I knew I had to watch it. I cannot OWN the sequel and not watch it, wondering if it's somehow any worse than the first film or maybe, in some dim ray of light, it's actually better. Let's see...

This movie centers on Tracy, who is related to Jason from the first film. She's his sister but it's never said if she's older or younger. I'm gonna assume younger, but whatever. We find out that Jason's body was never recovered and it's now five years later. We're back at the same camp and this time, camp season is over and it's time to pack up the camp for the season! That's an interesting twist.

There's the usual gang of misfits that include Ryan the asshole, Angela the slutty chick fucking Ryan, Elvis the random black dude, Sophie the quiet one, Mike the guy dating Tracy, and James, the drifter who showed up to help out for a day or two. This time, the camp is run by Rick and he's bland as all hell.

James' first night, they all drink around the camp fire and decide to play "Bloody Murder", which to remind you is just hide-and-seek, but it's gonna end on a prank. Ryan tells the story about Trevor Moorehouse but James decides to be a showoff and tell him Trevor is just a legend like ALL legends, so they make him "It". If I was James, I would've let them all hide and then I would've went back to my cabin and fall asleep. But that's just me.

James looks for a few moments when "Trevor" shows up, but of course it's just Mike playing a prank. James gets pissed off, Tracy is turned off, and Mike suffers from blue balls the rest of the night. Everyone goes back to their cabins but James, who of course runs into the "real" "Trevor". "Naturally". And holy fuck, this movie got gory cause "Trevor" cuts off BOTH of James' legs, before bashing his head in with a rock. WOW, this is ALREADY better than the first movie!

The next day, Rick tells the gang James has left and Rick just stands there, being boring as fuck. Ryan and Angela goes into the showers to fuck and HOLY SHIT THERE'S NUDITY IN THIS MOVIE!!! This is TWENTY times better than the first movie! Way to go, movie! Oh, but the movie does something cute: they use pagers in the movie! I know! And this movie was made in 2002!Well...I guess pagers were still on their way out, but still! PAGERS! Anyway, Ryan gets a page from Rick so Ryan leaves Angela naked, lying on the floor, er, in the shower

Ryan goes to the meeting spot and is killed instantly and soon buried by Trevor. Wow, that's nice of him. And of course Rick says he heard from Ryan saying that he was leaving too. Angela is upset cause Ryan didn't say goodbye, and Mike is upset cause Tracy won't give him any, so naturally these two meet and start fucking, where we see Angela's tits AGAIN! Wow, they really wanted to make up for lost time, huh?

I thought they both were gonna get killed while fucking, but no such luck. Mike loses his clothes somehow (REMEMBER THIS) and Angela discovers Ryan's dead body. So naturally the cops are called and they think someone in the remaining group did it, so they have to stay at the camp. There's a meta moment where Elvis says that only girls who show their tits get killed, while all black dudes get killed cause they're black, and turns out he's right cause Elvis is killed in the shower and later Angela is killed. If it makes you feel better, Angela wore obnoxious shirts like "I HEART ME" and "HOTTIE" in glitter, so don't feel too sad.

Tracy remembers something Elvis said about hiding a video camera and she finds it and it shows Mike walking into the cabin and coming out dressed as Trevor. The tape is turned over to the cops and Mike is arrested. Of course, it isn't Mike. The real killer just stole his clothes, remember? Tracy then thinks it's Rick cause Rick deleted all his pager messages so while finding out, Rick chases Tracy around the camp saying "Let's just talk" in the most boring way possible. Soon, the sheriff shows up and kills Rick.

But it isn't Rick. So who the fuck is it? There's nobody else left! Well....if you care....SPOILER ALERT

It's the sheriff! Why? Turns out he's Trevor Moorehouse' father! And he was the guy we saw at the end of the first movie dressed like Trevor! And he killed Jason! And he's doing this to get back at everyone....even though this group of people had nothing to do with Trevor...I dunno it makes no fucking sense! So the sheriff is chasing Tracy and Sophie around and really it's up to Sophie on what she should do, like she has a CHOICE! (BOOM! Sorry, it's THAT kind of movie...)

Anyway, before the sheriff can kill Tracy, the REAL Trevor Moorehouse shows up, kills his dad, and leaves Tracy alone. Why? What was he doing this entire time? We don't know. We just know Tracy and Sophie survive and the movie ends.

Ok, so now that I've seen both of these movies let's figure this shit out. According the "legend", Trevor Moorehouse went to camp there, was teased badly, then had a bad prank on him which scarred his face so he went to a hospital and either was released or escaped and...that's it. He was just chillin' for a whole bunch of years NOT doing anything. I hate to say this but...that's different! Cause really it's all the camp people who are the monsters by dressing up like him and either pretending to kill or actually kill people. Trevor just keeps to himself! I gotta applaud that!

But still, avoid these movies at all costs. It's really not worth the time or effort to track these movies down. Both are bland mediocre slasher films that are more like stylized mysteries than slasher flicks. The second film is more entertaining with the story, the violence, and finally some nudity but overall, both movies suck ass.

AND THANKFULLY there is no Part 3.

Yet!



-Jason

Shark Attack Blog-A-Thon(g): Shark Night

So I'm gonna declare right now that this is going to be the last of the shark movies for awhile. I'm getting kinda tired of them and I think I need to review other things. I'll probably come back to them at the end of summer (we'll see) so to close us out for Spring, let's take a look at last summer's "blockbuster" "Shark Night", which was in 3-D.

This movie not only stars Joel David Moore, an actor who needs to fire his agent STAT!, but also singing sensation Katherine McPhee! Yeah, I'm not even kidding about that. I have no idea why she's in this movie honestly. Her character didn't sing. She was pretty much a giant slut though. So maybe that had something to do with it.

Well, the movie starts off like a slasher movie. A douchey couple is alone in the water at some lake when we get a "homage" to "Jaws" when the girl is violently shaken (or is it shook?) then eventually dies. No word on what happened to the guy but who cares! It's time to meet our cast!

There's the black guy who's name was stereotypical black guy name like Jamal or something. There's Sarah, the ever delicate girl who hasn't been with a guy yet, Jamal's girlfriend who is in two scenes, the hunky nerd, and the hunky nerd's friend played by Joel David Moore. The hunky nerd is Mark or Nick or something bland and white like that and honestly, no nerd ever looks like this. It's like casting Ryan Gosling as a nerd.

Anyway, Nerdy Mark helped Jamal pass a test so they're gonna celebrate by going to Sarah's beach house. Where's this beach house? SO FUCKING FAR AWAY IT TAKES THEM 15 MINUTES OF MOVIE TIME TO GET THERE! We get a shot of the truck driving down the highway, then it stops at a gas station where we meet Tucker and Dale.

No wait, sorry. We meet Red and Dennis, two locals who decide to pick on Jamal for the obvious reasons. But apparently Sarah and Dennis has a history and they leave without lynching anybody. Then they get to a pier where they're greeted by Sheriff Donal Logue. I guess he's friends with Sarah too and thinks her drinking while driving a boat is hilarious.

Then we get the late '80s/early '90s montage of the gang having fun at the beach house, on this lake, that you can only get back and forth from on a boat, oh and for good measure cell phones don't work out here and they never thought about putting a land line or maybe a FUCKING CB RADIO IN THE GOD DAMN HOUSE!

Jamal decides to go water skiing when a shark decides to show up and chomp on him. Everyone thinks Nerdy Mark ran him over, which I can see cause when you're on a lake you don't expect sharks, I suppose.  And for whatever reason, the shark only bites off his arm and swims away. And it doesn't even eat the arm! Mark finds it later so what the fuck was the point of that?

Thank god Mark is a med student because otherwise Jamal would die. Actually, what would've happened if Mark wasn't there? Would Joel David Moore just try to tape it back on his body with duct tape and continue playing beer pong with Katherine McPhee? Would Jamal's girlfriend who is so unimportant that when she died everyone just kinda shrugged their shoulders actually be important to the story? Maybe SHE was a med student who dropped out and would remember something. OH! Or she watched a lot of "Grey's Anatomy" while masturbating to McDreamy or whatever and picked up something in between orgasms?

Maybe?

Sorry, I'm just writing a better movie in my head. Back to this shitfest.

They all get on the boat to get help but the shark starts chasing them and soon knocks out the motor, which causes the boat to lose control. Mark, Sarah, and Jamal all jump out of the boat just in time to watch it explode before it actually touched anything. So that took care of that. What's left?

Well, a boat just happens to come along later in the night (the SHARK NIGHT if you will) and hey look, it's the two rednecks from earlier, Red and Dennis. They seem suddenly sympathetic to Jamal's problem and offer to take Katherine McPhee and Joel David Moore to the sheriff for help. But then A TWIST!! In the middle of the lake, the rednecks turn the boat off and reveal THEY raised the sharks themselves! A-WHA?!?!?!

Now why would they do that? It's explained later and when I tell you, you're gonna want to stab your computer screens. Blind people, if you have someone reading my reviews to you, please don't take it out on them. And I'm sorry, person reading things to the blind person, for all the horrible things you had to say in the past.

So Dennis shoots Joel David Moore and he's able to swim to safety for a moment until a shark JUMPS OUT OF THE WATER to eat him. Yeah... Next, Red and Dennis make Katherine McPhee get naked. Oh fuck me, this is rated PG-13 so we only see her in her underwear. Ugh. Well, it was still nice to look at. OH! And Katherine McPhee managed to hide a knife earlier and manages to stab Red but he totally plays off being stabbed like "PFFT! I can't be stabbed, American Idol bitch!" and throws her in the shark infested waters.

Jamal finds out about the death of his unimportant girlfriend and in a scene that made me call my black girlfriend into the room, had Jamal standing on the shore HOLDING A SPEAR! Yeah, neither one of us knew what to say about that. But she pointed out to me that Jamal was just hiding his bitten arm under his shirt and it was CLEARLY OBVIOUS so that was also good for a laugh.

When Jamal passes out, one of Sarah's friends comes up with the bright idea to strap him to a water ski and go get help. Mid-way through, Jamal looks behind him and finds sharks following them. Realizing life kinda sucks now, he unstraps himself and gets eaten by the sharks. And then one of the sharks just randomly jumps out of the water and eats the guy. I really don't think sharks jump out and eat people on jet skis but whatever.

Ok so Sheriff Donal Logue shows up and instantly I said "He's in on the shark thing, he's on the shark thing, he's in on the shark thing" and wouldn't ya know it, he's in on the shark thing! He knocks Sarah, Nerdy Mark, and Sarah's dog and takes them to the boat. OH! And it's revealed that Sarah use to go out with Dennis before leaving for college and on the day before she left, she almost drowned and as a result a propeller landed in Dennis' face, scaring him forever or some shit like that.

So naturally, Dennis wants to kill Sarah while Sheriff Donal Logue gets to kill Mark. But not before he tells him why they bought sharks to this lake. Person reading my reviews to the blind, get ready to defend yourself. There are cameras strapped to the sharks, yes all of them, and these three geniuses decide to take the footage of sharks eating people and sell them to the Discovery Channel for Shark Week.

That's it. That's what's going on here. That's the WHOLE FUCKING REASON THIS MOVIE is happening to begin with: so these three assholes can be on Shark Week!! FUCK IT blind people, start beating your readers. Sorry, readers.

First off, I doubt the Discovery Channel is going to air people's murders. I know they show people ALMOST dying a lot, especially during shark week, but actual people getting eaten? And then it's not that easy to get on Shark Week. Most of the people on Shark Week are shark experts OR shark victims OR sometimes both! So what the fuck?

Well, Mark manages to escape from Sheriff Donal Logue by setting him on fire then feeding him to the sharks, Dennis covers Sarah in chum and puts her in the water, and when Mark shows up to save Sarah, Dennis accidentally stabs Red. OH NOW knives effect him. Jesus. The ending's just whatever, you know Mark saves Sarah and the shark eats Dennis in an ironic twist and to further showcase how fucking retarded this movie is, the shark jumps out of the water one last time.

And that's "Shark Night". It's laughable at times but not enough to make it worth watching. It's just stupid, annoying, and a giant waste of time. I feel sorry for people who paid to see this in 3-D cause it was just a waste of money. Even the stuff that's worth seeing in 3-D couldn't save this movie. Just dumb and avoid at all costs.



-Jason
(PS: My apologizes if the guy's name wasn't Jamal. I honestly couldn't remember and it was more offensively stereotypical than that.)

Shark Attack Blog-A-Thon(g): Shark Attack 2

Nick Jobe, during his year and a half of reviewing different movies each week, has fallen victim to the Netflix Curse. Well, now you can include me in that. The Netflix Curse is when you saw a movie on Instant Watch one week, then when you go to watch it, you find it's suddenly gone. I was GOING to review "Shark Attack", the first film in the series that, I thought, ended with "Shark Attack 3: Megaladon" (more on that later). But lo and behold, it is not available on Instant Watch anymore. Well fucking boo!

So "Shark Attack 2" it is! I figured they're not totally related to each other, it doesn't matter anyway. And guess what? I was right. Well, sort of. There's an sort of connection between the first film and the second film, and there's an odd connection between the second and the third. The tie in to Parts 2 and 3 is basically this: both were directed by David Worth AND Part 2 is pretty much a boring version of Part 3.

If you've only seen Part 3, take all the funny hilarious stuff you know about it out and what you have left is Part 2. Don't believe me? DASH LIST ALERT!

-Both movies feature a hunky male lead who work on and/or in the water somehow.
-Both work for a company who's President is EEEEEEVVVVILLLLL!!! and only wants to line his pockets with money thanks to stupid people like you and me.
-Both feature a pretty attractive female lead who's looking for the shark for her own personal reasons.
-Both feature small characters who you think won't be important until they take over the entire final third act.
-Both movies feature the hunky male and the attractive female not liking each other at the beginning, then slowly falling in love, then both of them fucking in slow motion while corny '90s R&B plays in the background.
-Both movies feature the humans trying to fight a shark in a small submarine that looks like would be too small for a Smurf.
-Both movies feature a ridiculous explosion at the end that supposedly killed the shark.
-Oh and both movies feature sharks.

Strangely enough, I think the budget was bigger for this film cause the CGI and the green screen was at least believeable. But like I said, it made the movie more boring.

I could get into the story, I guess, but it doesn't really matter. I mean you got the attractive female named Samantha who's scuba diving with her sister, what's-her-name, when they come across a shark. The shark eats the sister and Samantha is like "NOOOO!!!!"

One week later, our hunky lead male Nick works for a water park in Cape Town...(I guess they changed the name to include the ellipses) and the name of the water park is, I swear to god, "Water World". PFFFT HAHAHAHAHAHAHA!! Oh, pre-1995 movies. Anyway-

What? This movie was made in 2000? POST Kevin Costner "Waterworld"? Are you fucking kidding me?! Why would you name a water park that, KNOWING there's a somewhat horrible movie ABOUT water named "Waterworld"? You know people are just going to think it's a lame tribute to the movie. People will be showing up with their VHS copies of "Field of Dreams" or "Bull Durham", waiting to meet Kevin Costner and instead they'll find a chucky EVVVILLLL guy in a suit going "BUY STUPID HATS WITH FINS ON THEM YOU FUCKING MORONS! HAHAHAHA!!"

Anyway.

The shark that killed whats-her-name appeared in town, so Nick is sent to find it, capture it, and make it a new attracting at Kevin Costner Land. Well, guess what? Just guess. Write the rest of the fucking movie in your head, cause you know what happens next.

Oh. You want ME to tell you? Oh that's right, I'm here to entertain you. Well ARE YOU NOT ENTERTAINED?! Ok, at least say it with me.

"The shark goes crazy, kills a worker in the park, manages to get loose, and now Nick must stop it at all costs."

Well, there is a small twist though. The EVVVILLL president guy blames Nick for the incident, fires him, and hires The Crocodile Hunter.

Ok, it wasn't really The Crocodile Hunter. But it was an Australian guy. Who had a TV show. On The Discovery Channel. Who else do you think it was? Anyway, THIS guy is a major asshole and he's out to kill the shark before anyone else does.

Have you seen "Jaws"? Ok, say the next part with me then.

"They have to close the beaches and cancel an event that's happening RIGHT on the beach because this guy captured the wrong shark."

*sigh...*

The shark kills a few more people, including The Crocodile Hunter's friends, and NOW it's personal. It's revealed that whatever went on in the first movie caused these sharks to mutate and now they're thirsty...FOR BLOOD!

Wait, aren't all sharks thirsty for blood? That's like saying "Oh no stop that man! He's hungry....FOR PIZZA!!!!"

I would watch a movie where a guy tries to eat pizza and people keep trying to kill him. Someone make that movie.

Ok, you know how this ends. Say it with me.

"All three characters team up to kill the shark, the Crocodile Hunter is now a good guy thanks to him facing near death, there's a lame scene in a small sub full of explosives and we're suppose to think everyone's dead but everyone gets out of the situation at the last minute."

Man, you guys are good.

So that's "Shark Attack 2". Just watch "Shark Attack 3", it's a WAY better movie. I never thought that'd be possible, but it is. And you know what? I'm getting burnt out on all these sharks movie. I think I need to take a few days off, then review a different movie. I'll have to figure that out later. Anyway.



If you're reading this, then you probably know Dylan Fields from Man, I Love Films. And you also know it's hard to get him to watch a bad movie, let alone a horror movie. But somehow not only did I get him to do so, but I got him to write a review on his own site for the first time in like a billion years. So mucho thanks to Dylan for taking over my Thursday column and reviewing "Shark Zone".
-Jason

Shark Attack Blog-A-Thon(g): Mega Shark vs Crocosaurus

I'm not gonna lie to you guys, the instant the movie ended, I forgot everything I watched. Not to say I can't recall it but it's gonna be a struggle. And I'll forget some things. But really, it feels like the Men In Black made this movie and the final image was that flashy dildo thing they use. Speaking of, isn't it great casting to get Josh Brolin to play a young Tommy Lee Jones? It somehow fits and makes sense. I can't believe they waited about ten years to make a third "Men In Black" movie. I remember when the first two hit theaters, both times I saw them I was on dates and-

Oh. Sorry.

"Mega Shark vs Crocosaurus" can be taken as a sequel to "Mega Shark vs Giant Octopus" but that's like saying my left nut is a sequel to my right nut. Both are in the general area and both feature the same things but really, both are very different. Especially the left one. The way it-

Damn it. Sorry.

The movie starts with a Naval ship in the ocean and there's a guy looking at the worst CGI shark in a CGI tank (really guys you couldn't afford a giant plastic tub?) and the guy turns around and...HOLY FUCKING SHIT IT'S STEVE URKEL!! I'm not saying he LOOKS like Urkel...IT IS URKEL!! What the fuck is Urkel doing...oh nevermind. The Asylum. I get it.

Believe it or not, Urkel is some military shark expert, I guess, and he thinks the Mega Shark from the previous movie is still alive. Instead of bothering Debbie Gibson, they just named the ship after her and move on. After Urkel yells at the commander about Mega Shark still being alive, Mega Shark shows up, crushing the ship and kill Urkel's girlfriend. Laura, no!

Meanwhile in the Congo (I would make a joke here but I haven't seen "Congo". Sorry to disappoint) some Australian guy with a gun is making people dig around in a cave. For diamonds I guess. I think Leonardo Di Caprio made a movie about this but I'm not certain.

Y'know, I still haven't seen "Shutter Island" yet. My future sister-in-law told me the "twist" ending but I still want to see it. Supposedly it's very good and-

FUCK.

The damn crocasaurus shows up and chomps up some people. We then meet Nigel. Nigel is your typical bad ass hero in that he's dishonest, owns several weapons, and looks like he hasn't bathed in months. But god damn if he isn't still ruggedly handsome. To prove this, a HOT AUSTRALIAN chick shows up and asks Nigel for help in tracking down the croc. I am going to say that again. An AUSTRALIAN asks some BRITISH GUY named NIGEL for help in tracking down a GIANT CROCODILE! I...I hope Tom Clift reads this. Fuck, I'll MAKE him read this. Tom, do you find it insulting that an Australian had to ask a British guy for help in tracking down a giant crocodile? Or are you more insulted that I'm asking you this question?

To get to the punchline, Nigel and the hot Australian chick roam around Congo for five minutes when she falls into giant croc pee and then gets eaten by the giant croc. Nigel manages to shoot the croc with a tranquilizer, which knocks it out.

Meanwhile, Urkel is being questioned about being the only survivor of USS Debbie Gibson (OH GOD WHEN SHE DIES LET THIS REALLY HAPPEN) until some stuck up but still kinda hot chick named Hutchinson shows up, tells Urkel he's gonna help her and her top secret team of Mega Shark Hunters kill Mega Shark, and take her to a submarine. The Admiral of this submarine is played by Robert Picardo, who if you're a Star Trek fan, or Dylan Fields, you know that name immediately. Anyway, they ask Urkel for help in tracking down Mega Shark.

Nigel, meanwhile, is transporting the Giant Croc to Florida. Oh that makes sense. They don't have a BIG enough crocodile problem to begin with. Let's bring a 200 ton one there. While we're at it, when we find Mega Grandma, let's bring her there too! Jeez.

Hey guess what? Giant Croc wakes up when Mega Shark comes by to scope out the boat with the giant croc and they sorta fight but the CGI is so awful it's hard to tell. Anyway, the ship is destroyed and Hutchinson is dispatched to pick up Nigel so he'll work with Urkel to get both Mega Shark and Giant Croc.

The rest of the movie is pretty much Nigel and Urkel going to different parts of the world where either Mega Shark, the croc, or at times both are, try to kill them but instead ends up destroying the nearby city. This includes Miami, Panama, and Hawaii. And if that wasn't enough, Croc is laying eggs everywhere so now they have to find giant croc eggs and kill those as well. But Mega Shark is also after the eggs cause they're yummy or something. It's very boring in this middle part.

Fuck, the entire movie is boring, save for the random hot chicks that appear. There's a hot chick that runs a sub, a science lab that's testing a croc egg, and one at some power plant. Oh, the power plant. I have NO IDEA what was going on with the power plant. They kept saying "Arc Light" over and over again and it made lighting or something. I dunno.

Anyway, Urkel starts losing his shit to the point where he thinks Hutchinson is his girlfriend and tries to carry her out of a crashed helicopter. Eventually, they get the two giant beasts to fight while a volcano goes off, which kills them both. And Robert Picardo smokes a cigar. That's it.

I'm not gonna lie to you guys, the instant the movie ended, I forgot everything I watched. Not to say I couldn't recall it but it was a struggle. And I probably forgot some things. But really, it feels like the Men In Black made this movie and the final image was that flashy dildo thing they use. Speaking of, isn't it great casting to get Josh Brolin to play a young Tommy Lee Jones? It somehow fits and makes sense. I can't believe they waited about ten years to make a third "Men In Black" movie. I remember when the first two hit theaters, both times I saw them I was on dates and-

Wait, I just said all this, didn't I? Weird.

This movie is boring, stupid, and sucks. You'll be better off watching this. Let's just move on.



-Jason

Shark Attack Blog-A-Thon(g): Mega Shark vs Giant Octopus

(Welcome to the start of my Spring Break Shark Attack Blog-A-Thon(g)! For the next several weeks, throughout spring, I will be watching as many bad shark movies I can get my hands on. But thankfully, I won't be going through this journey alone! I've asked several of my friends to participate in this and when they refused to return my email, I made some other bloggers watch some shark movies. I'll be posting those in the upcoming weeks as well. For now, to kick things off, here's my review of "Mega Shark vs Giant Octopus" or as I like to call it "The Aslyum Discovers a Niche and Sticks With It, Holy Fuck Do They Stick With It!")

I'm the Tiny Juggernaut, bitch!

Much like everybody else, I heard of this movie through online news. They made a big deal about it, saying things like "Pffft, can you believe there's a movie called 'Mega Shark vs Giant Octopus'! I mean come on!!" Then they went on and on about it starring Deborah "Don't Call Me Debbie" Gibson and Lorenzo Lamas. I was saying "Pfft, I see shit like this all the time."

Then I found out it was made by The Asylum and I went "Pfft, what else is new." Then I wondered what movie this might've been ripping off. The closest I can think of is "Shark Attack 3: Megalon", but that came out a few years ago and I don't recall a giant octopus, so I had to wonder "Could this be the first original movie made by Asylum? Are they changing a new leaf? WOW!" Then the previews before this movie started and they're releasing a movie called "The Terminators", so nevermind that.

You should be familiar with Asylum by now, I've done two of their movies here, both of which were horrible. But this is what they're known for, making rip off movies. Have I mentioned "Transmorphers" yet? Oh yeah, I have. Considering what's coming out this summer, I can't wait to see "Year 2" or "Carey Motter & The Full Bloody King". Should be good.

Alright, so after telling us this movie only stars four people, we find Deborah "Not Debbie" Gibson in a mini-sub with some dude. They're floating around in some ocean somewhere just looking around at fish and random things swimming. We also get shots of a dude in a helicopter dropping something off into the same body of water Debbie and Dude is in. 

Soon, some whales go apeshit (whaleshit?) and start swimming aggressively towards Debbie. Then through a series of jump cuts and horrible edits, some ice falls apart and inside said ice is our two main characters, Giant Shark and Mega Octopus! Or Mega Shark and Giant Octopus! Whatever! They're frozen, enlocked in a loving embrace. To prove they weren't totally fucking before the ice age, when they unthaw they act like mortal enemies and go their separate ways.

Debbie is like "Whoa" and suddenly we're in a car on land. Debbie is shaking up by the whole thing but I guess this little trip was illegal cause now she's in trouble with some underwater society she works for or whatever. This David Caruso-type dude shows up and yells at Debbie, while making her look at a dead whale on a beach. Debbie spots something but Fake Caruso (like we need one of those) tells her to piss off.

After drinking on the beach with Dude, Debbie sneaks back to the beach that night in a disguise. She offers the security guard a blow job to let her in. Ok, not really. She offered to sing "Lost In Your Eyes" and the guy, feeling threatened, let her in. Wise move, dude.

The thing Debbie found was a giant sharp white thing, that's rather tooth-shaped. She takes it home and tries to look up this tooth-like object but can't seem to find anything similar. Hmm, if only she opens her mouth and looks in the mirror. Or visits a dentist.

"Hm, I feel something in my teeth. Teeth? Could it be? YES! It's a whales penis!"

Well, Caruso fired Debbie and now that she's got some free time, she's gonna meet up with her old teacher Prof. Sanders, who taught her everything having to do with the water. Sanders use to be in the Navy but because he's Irish, he got drunk and crashed a sub. Tsk tsk.

"Either my cholesterol is high or I'm pregnant. Either way my wife's gonna kill me."

Debbie takes the white thing that could only be a tooth to Sanders, who immediately tells her it's a tooth. Debbie is dumbfounded at this revelation and wonders how a drunk Irish guy knew this, but a washed up singer from the 80's didn't. I kinda wonder myself.

Meanwhile, the shark and the octopus is going around causing all kinds of damage. The octopus tears up an oil rig and the shark stupidly jumps in the air and eats an airplane. Dr. Shimada talks to the only survivor of the oil rig thing, and the only thing that guy said was "AHHH!! AHH!!! Mega Octopus! AHHHHHH!!!!!" He's now locked up in an Asylum. Forced to watch "Snakes on a Train". HA!

Sanders brings in Shimada cause he thinks they're dealing with the same thing here, but Shimada says "No, this is an octopus" and they're like "Whoa, there's TWO giant creatures running around." When Debbie learns that the shark is a Megalon, she gets excited. I wonder if some dude is gonna offer to take her home and eat her pussy.

Speaking of, the pics she did for Playboy is totally on Google. Just sayin'.

Anyway, now they spend countless nights working on...something. I dunno what. But suddenly one morning a bunch of army or S.W.A.T dudes show up and take our trio to "TREASURE ISLAND US NAVAL AIR COMMAND STATION". I only know that cause we see this title card FIVE fucking times IN A ROW. 

See? I told you.

There, Lorenzo Lamas shows up and he isn't given a name through the entire movie, so even though I'm calling Debbie by her real name I have to call Lorenzo by his real name cause I have no choice. Lornezo immediately acts like an asshole by being a huge racist. I'm surprised he didn't lean in on Debbie and go "How about some, sugartits?" Maybe he did off-set.

Anyway, Lorenzo wants to hire our trio of renegades (HA, see what I did thar?) to do something about the shark and octopus. So it's another montage of them doing stuff! With science stuff! WOW! I honestly don't know what they were trying to do here, considering the actual science thing is coming up.

"If it's time to re-enact "The Re-animator" I get to be the headless guy!"

But first, Shimada and Debbie go "Eh, we're roughly the same age. Let's fuck." So they do, which happens that randomly in the movie. Sanders just shakes his head and goes "Oh you crazy young sober people!" and continues with the science. But the fucking scene gave us a purpose and our gang an idea: if they release pheromones, they'll think a mate is around and get horny and want to fuck and when they do...something! YAY!!!

Jeez, that's mean. These guys been frozen for a billion years and even though they were frozen while experimenting with each other, they get a chance to do it with an actual female, only to find there's no female and something bad is gonna happen to them. I certainly wouldn't like if that happened to me.

This something means Shimada has to go to Japan to lure the octopus while Debbie and Sanders lures the shark to San Francisco. Why there? Maybe the shark likes Haight-Ashbury. Or it's gay. Cause it was experimenting with the octopus, you see.

Ok, so by now you're probably bored and want to know "When does the VS come into play? Tell us you stupid little man!!" Well, I hate to say it, but so far this is what happens exactly in the movie. A bunch of science stuff, with a little fucking, and a bunch of title cards that says "TREASURE ISLAND US NAVAL AIR COMMAND STATION". 

We get another montage of them making the pheromones, which they do, and everybody says goodbye. The plan is to dump the stuff in the water and lure them there and I guess shoot them? It's not totally clear. I'll save recapping the next 20 minutes by telling you this doesn't work. Instead the shark just munches on the Golden Gate Bridge. Good idea, Debbie. Now how about you step aside and let us bring in Tiffany, huh?

Eh, it was time for a new one anyway. That was kinda old. Thanks Mega Shark!

Shimada says he didn't have any luck either but doesn't say how badly they fucked things up. Not knowing what to do now, Debbie goes to sleep and has a dream about random clips of the movie we just seen. One of these scenes includes a clip of Shimada on his sub but the background is missing, but we clearly see the green screen. If you can't do something that the local news manages to get right, you should stop making movies.

"You are going to put a picture behind me, right?
 Otherwise, this would look stupid. HAHAHA!"

Anyway, somehow Debbie gets an idea from out of this and runs to Lorenzo and Sanders and simply shouts "Thrilla in Manilla!" and acts like everyone's suppose to know what the hell she's talking about. After five minutes of "OH come on, you know what I mean, guys!", she explains. Just have the two beasts fight each other to the death. Which is a good idea except the whole thing about what if one survives? But they don't touch on that, so nevermind.

They do the pheromone idea but drag them back to the icy waters Debbie and Dude was at the beginning of the movie and oddly enough they do start fighting. Inside the sub, we keep focusing on some random guy every 2 seconds, even though he isn't a major character. Then out of nowhere, this guy has had enough of the captain yelling at him and pulls a gun out of nowhere and waves it in front of the captain's face. But the octopus grabs a hold of the sub, which is enough of a distraction for our crew. 

And just like that the random guy pulling a gun on the captain plot ends cause he mysteriously vanishes and Sanders takes over, despite being a drunk Irish guy. They manage to get away, the shark and octopus fight, and somehow they both die. All the fighting scenes, cause it's all CGI, is kinda hard to make out, but I think Octopus had the advantage.

Before Debbie can rub her vajayjay on the screen, Shimado returns to where ever and they continue their random romance, with him saying he'll stay where ever they are. But Sanders appears with a red folder, saying "Let's go!" and they all go. What the hell? Is this "Mission: Impossible"? They found MORE giant pre-historic sea animals fighting? Is this a pilot of a TV show? The fuck?

Whatever, it's over. And my disappointment can begin now. Of course, I've seen plenty of "VS" movies and I should know by now the VS part isn't gonna happen until the last 5 minutes of the movie. The first 1 hour and 25 minutes is gonna be people not having to do with any of the main characters going "OH NO! This is happening! OH NO! That's happening! We need to get them together to fight!" 

Seeing as this is an Asylum movie, I will give them points for coming up with a slightly original idea for a movie. And for casting Debbie Gibson as the female lead. But they lose points for reminding us of the existence of Lorenzo Lamas. I did forget to mention this movie was written and directed by a guy named Ace. 

Of course, that's his name.

Nolahn over at the Bargain Bin Review also reviewed "Mega Shark vs Giant Octopus" and for whatever reason, he enjoyed this movie. I guess he's not as easily bored as I am.

The Great White Dope proves how awesome he is by doing a review of "Tintorera: Killer Shark" a few days early! And apparently this was a big task for him, so much thanks to him!

I have a lot of movies left and I don't wanna do them all on my own. If this sounds like fun and you want to participate, email me and I'll send you the list of available movies. What do you get in return? I dunno, fame or glory or hookers or something. We'll figure something out.

-Jason

The Initiation of Sarah

As I was writing my review of "The Initiation", I kept seeing "The Initiation of Sarah" popping up everywhere, even getting more info about that film. After doing a little digging, I saw the cast AND saw it was on Netflix Instant and said "What the fuck, why not?" I mean, it features Morgan Fairchild, Shelly Winters, AND Robert Hays.

Y'know, what's with "initiation" films starring people who are famous for being in spoof films?

Anyway, I'm just gonna come out and say right away that "The Initiation of Sarah" is a COMPLETE RIP OFF of "Carrie". I mean, down to me assigning characters from one movie to another. Don't believe me? Here's the story.

I'd like to Initiate THAT Sarah, if you get my meaning!

The film starts with two sisters named Patty (the popular one) and Sarah (the not-so-popular one) about to go to college. It's revealed that Sarah is adopted and Patty's mother belonged to a stuck up sorority. I apologize for never remembering the names of the sororities, it's all Greek to me.

(Ow, don't hit.)

Anyway, some guy who refused to have a light shine on him picks up on Patty and is about to pretty much rape her right there on a beach but Sarah stares at the guy and suddenly he can't swim. Welp, I can't imagine where THIS is going to go.

Everyone but Sarah keeps thinking Sarah will get accepted in the Bitchy Sorority, which is run by Morgan Fairchild and her nipples. They love Patty but refuse to let Sarah in. When they go to the sorority next door, which is run by the nice "hey whatever, man" group of girls, THEY love Sarah but don't like Patty. So naturally, it takes FOR FUCKING EVER to have them go where they fit in.

The instant Patty is accepted, Morgan Fairchild makes Patty make fun of Sarah and the sorority she got accepted in, which makes Sarah angry. Uh oh, you wouldn't like her when she's angry. Like when Robert Hays and a group of guys are lifting a piano by rope for no real reason except to cause "excitement" when Sarah causes it to come crashing down.

Sarah meets her new roommates, including Mouse, a girl who acts and even looks EXACTLY like Sarah. And then there's their house mother, Mrs. Hunter, played by Shelly Winters. Mrs. Hunter is...a bit off. And not because she's played by Shelly Winters. And this god damn movie makes you think SHE'S Sarah's real mother during a scene where they talk about her but that never goes anywhere. Jeez, movie, why'd you bring it up to begin with?

So if you've seen "Carrie", then you know how the middle part of the movie plays out. Morgan Fairchild makes fun of Sarah and her sorority. Sarah starts falling in love with a teacher who looks like Paul Rudd. Mrs. Parker wants Sarah to use her powers for EVIL!!!! to get revenge on Morgan Fairchild because...uh...something about someone dying and...I don't know it's kinda convoluted in this part. We just keep waiting for Sarah to cause evil shit to happen with her mind.

Well, we are now at my favorite scene. Sarah spots Morgan Fairchild walking with her sorority sisters and of course she needs to stand near this pond that's kinda out of place in this college. And while Morgan Fairchild berates Sarah and then Mouse, Sarah psychically PUSHES Morgan Fairchild into the pond. And that bitch goes FLYING! Oh man, it's not on Youtube. You fail me!

Morgan Fairchild wants revenge so she tricks Robert Hays to invite Carrie, er, Sarah on a date. Well, I can't imagine they'd rip off the "pigs blood" scene.

Oh. My. Fucking. God. Really??

And then we see Shelly Winters give Sarah a sponge bath?!?!?!

My brain hurts.

So Mrs. Hunter goads Sarah into trying to kill Morgan Fairchild and somehow Sarah knows Morgan Fairchild is in the shower and causes the shower to go crazy and burn her. But Sarah stops before any real damage is done. When Patty finds out what happened to Sarah, she quits the bitchy sorority. Probably just in time cause now it's time for the REAL crazy shit to happen.

The GOOD sorority hasn't had an Initiation process in 20 years but now that Psychic Sarah is here, Mrs. Hunter wants to do it again. It's REALLY some devil worshipping sacrifice thing where Mrs. Parker was gonna sacrifice Mouse to Satan while Sarah kills Morgan Fairchild. But all that ends up happening is Sarah causes Morgan Fairchild to age roughly 10 years, find out about Mouse, and then fights Mrs. Parker, which results in both of them burning to death.

I'm surprised there wasn't a scene where Sarah's hand burst out of the burnt rubble. Anyway, that's "The Initiation of Carrie, er, Sarah".

It's a rather slow moving film. There wasn't enough psychic powers, but when shit got crazy, it got crazy. Unfortunately, it was few and far in between and it really isn't worth your time watching this movie. If you want to see Morgan Fairchild's nipples, try Google.


-Jason