There comes a time in every bad movie reviewers life where you hear about a movie so fucking insane you say to yourself "I must, for better or for worse watch this movie" and no matter what you must go through, you MUST watch this movie.
I searched far and wide for this movie. I traveled across many continents in hope that somebody SOMEWHERE would be able to tell me how I can get this thing. After many many months of dead ends and bad deals gone wrong and untrustworthy people, I got a solid lead! I found a old hermit who lives in Regina, Saskatchewan, Canada, in a cave no less, and he listened to my plea as I describe this crazy movie. He nodded intently and spoke three words that forever changed my life:
"It's on Netflix".
Long story short "The Killing of Satan"! It's a 1983 Philippines film where the man character is named Lando. I so badly tried to make Star Wars comparisons but I only got so far as another character happened to be named Ben and they just point their hands at things and magic happens. Sadly, nothing looked like a Death Star nor did the villain have a breathing problem.
The start of the film prepares you for the crazy ass ride you're in for when Uncle Miguel and his followers (I'll explain in a minute) meet up with a fabulous looking guy named The Prince of Magic to fight or some such thing but The Prince of Magic is....the prince of magic. And as a result he causes Uncle Miguel's head to spin around! It's the Linda Blair exercise tape! (More like EXORCISE TAPE AMIRITE?!?!?!?!)
This doesn't really kill him because Uncle Miguel possess Special God Powers! From God! Yeah! But it can cause Uncle Miguel to be out of commission, so he calls for his Nephew Lando!!
I swear to god I'm gonna dress as Lando for Halloween next year. I can so pull it off.
|FYI: Lando is the Denim God on the left.|
Wow. Anyway, this vision and sudden miracle that he and his family seem to blow off makes him want to visit Uncle Miguel and apparently when you're from the Philippines you get your own island and traveling to said island is a bitch! Especially when the helicopter filming the overhead scenes causes tsunamis.
Lando eventually arrives at Uncle Miguel's island where he meets a mute kid named Nino (quite literal with the translation there, huh?) and Nino takes Lando and his family (wife and daughter of undetermined age) to Uncle Miguel's cottage. There, Lando learns about Miguel's death, how Miguel was a cult leader, and that Lando now possesses the Magical Left Hand of GOD!!!!! AH, I see, it's a propaganda film for left handed people. RIGHT HANDED PEOPLE RULE, LEFT HANDED PEOPLE DROOL!!!!
And Lando gets a sidekick who's name I didn't catch (sorry) so I'll just call him Robin. Robin tells Lando that he must go row out to the middle of the ocean, find the decomposing body of Uncle Miguel, and learn more about the Magical Left Hand of God! Lando does so and instead of meeting Uncle Miguel, he meets Jason Voorhees! Or it looked like him anyway.
While this is happening, The Prince of Magic shows up on the island and takes Lando's daughter and some other chick that I didn't bother to learn her name hostage. Lando and Robin show up right as they row away. So now it's up to Lando and Robin to get them back!!
And they do. The end!
No, I'm just kidding. I need to tell you how crazy this fucking movie gets. Plus it's called "The Killing of Satan" and I haven't even mentioned Satan yet. Let's do this!
Lando and Robin arrive on The Prince of Magic's island and they try to find an entrance to the Cave of The Prince of Magic And Maybe Satan Is There Too We Don't Know Yet. While that's happening, The Prince of Magic takes Lando's daughter to a cage where a small group of naked girls is just chillin'. Apparently, The Prince of Magic does this often. He puts the daughter in the cage and takes Nameless Chick to another part of the cave where I guess he rapes her. We don't really see it, so don't worry. But I'm sure he does.
Lando and Robin finally enter the cave and they split up, where they do battle with The Prince of Magic's henchmen, who can transform into snakes!! And sometimes dogs!! And there's two SUPER hot chicks who transform into cats!! Me-ow!! Robin manages to find Nameless Chick but now she's a BRIDE OF...The Prince of Magic. Hm. Doesn't have the same ring to it. Anyway, she rips Robin's face off and he stares at Nameless Chick's tits until her heart explodes. I'm not kidding about anything I just said.
Lando somehow ends up outside the cave (GOOD JOB LANDO) and finds an old lady stuck under a rock. OH SHIT IT'S THE PHILIPPINES VERSION OF "128 HOURS"! Anyway, Lando frees the old lady and she wants to thank him by taking him home and having him bone his super hot daughters. SPOILER ALERT the old lady and the daughters all work for The Prince of Magic and.....SATAN!!
So how does Satan fit into all this? Uh....he wants to marry a girl...hence all the kidnapped naked girls in a cage...but he's gonna settle for Lando's daughter because....yeah. Anyway, Lando is then visited by Nino and his Father, who is suppose to be God. Anyway, God gives him a stick to fight Satan. That's it. A stick. I would've said "Uh...how about some AWESOME super powers! Like lighting bolts or my fingers shoots bullets!" But no. Lando gets a stick. THANKS GOD!!!
Anyway, now that Robin and Nameless Chick is dead, Lando must fight Satan and The Prince of Magic alone. He manages to kill The Prince of Magic easily enough but Satan is a tough bastard! Satan, who looks SUPER fabulous, shows up and it looks like Lando is getting his ass handed to him because he only has a stick and Satan is, well, SATAN! But randomly Lando gets the upper hand and yes Satan is killed. Where does Satan go when he dies? Heaven? Is god like "Nope, you ain't going back to Hell. I will let you in. MU HAHAHAHAHAHA!!!" It's all weird.
Lando finds his daughter and they get back to the island, where another tsunami shows up but everything is ok this time and the movie ends. Wait, now that Satan is dead...does this mean God officially has NOTHING to do?! Will God retire?!? We need a sequel called "The Boredom of God".
Speaking of boredom, this movie was anything BUT boring. It's fucking wacky as shit, man. I don't even know if I did it justice or not. You just need to see it. It's amazing. Of course the acting wasn't the best and the special effects was pffft but the story is something else, man. You need to see it to believe it.