Sunday, December 30, 2012

Jacques Brel is Alive and Well and Living in Paris


Here we are, folks. The final review ever at Invasion of the B-Movies. It's been an amazing seven years but all things must come to an end I suppose. I know there was a lot of debate on what my final review was going to be. I almost went with "High School Musical 3" but then I remembered something. Something from my past.

Way back in 2006, just shy of the one-year anniversary of the site, I asked all my friends to suggest movies I should review. I got some good ones, I got some lame shit like "BILLY MADISON"! and then I got THE request to end all requests. And it came from my friend and former Mass Invader April. She said ten words that will forever change our relationship for the next 6 and a half years.

"Jacques Brel is Alive and Well and Living in Paris!"

I said "Hm. That's an interesting title. I WILL DO IT!"

One request from Netflix later and the disc arrived at my house. I watched about 30 minutes of it and did something I hardly ever do: turned it off. I couldn't watch anymore. I came online and said as much to April, who basically called me a pussy. Since then, ANYTIME I ask for suggestions she would throw this movie back at me. So then I believe one day I said to her "I tell you what. If I ever stop doing Invasion of the B Movies, 'Jacques Brel' will be my final review ever. Then I will kill myself."

Here we are: the final review. And true to my word "Jacques Brel" it is. Sorry, horror movie fans. I guess we'll just have to see what Human Centipede 3 is like later. But for now, let's dive into this amazing shit-fest, shall we?

First off: who the fuck is Jacques Brel? Good question. He was a singer/songwriter who, much like Jerry Lewis, made it big in France because why not? This film I'm going to attempt to talk about is sort of a visual interpretation of his songs. Got it? Now take all that and forget it cause it has absolutely nothing to do with the movie.

Maybe the movie takes place in Paris, it's never really said. You know what? I know it's my last review but I don't think I can do this movie justice. Let's just rip off Wikipedia and see what it says about it.

"Jacques Brel Is Alive and Well and Living in Paris is an American musical revue of the songs of Jacques Brel. It was filmed in 1975."

...

Well fuck.

ALRIGHT! For the final time ever, here's my Dash Style! Here we go!

-Film starts off with some street hippies, lead by a guy who looks like Barry Gibb, attacking a cab and then a guy waiting for a date.
-It starts raining and a girl with nice tits gets her shirt wet so we see those.
-The hippies go into a theater where we meet three reoccuring characters: A Lady, The Cab Driver, and The Army Guy. They are watching a marionette play that's happening in front of a movie screen while World War II footage plays.
-The marionettes resemble the Lady, The Cab Driver, and The Army Guy. After the play, it turns into "The Langoliers" and the entire audience but our main three characters vanish.
-All three roam around the theater and find themselves locked in and the puppeteer is dead.
-There's a giant hand hanging overhead and it falls. This symbolizes something I'm sure.
-Eventually they manage to get outside where the loudest tornado siren starts blasting, and I live in Indiana. The Army Guy kung fu's the siren until it explodes.
-Then it jumps to The Lady singing a sad song.
-Then it jumps to a statue singing a sad song.
-Then it jumps to the Cab Driver singing a sad song.

Ok, there's a lot of sad songs, mixed in with songs that represent things from Jesus to being in the army to the death of a little girl. That's all this entire movie is, just songs. There's no plot to this movie whatsoever. I have said in the past that movies haven't had a plot but this, FUCKING THIS, has ZERO plot! There's just people and singing. And some cute girls. Oh and Jacques Brel singing in French. Wonderful.

The only accomplishment I have with this movie is that I finished it. I actually watched THE ENTIRE thing. This movie...fuck man. This is a tough movie to get through. I GUESS you need to be a fan of Jacques Brel to like this movie but...I consider myself a fan of The Beatles and I BARELY got through "Sgt Pepper's Lonely Hearts Club Band". AND I had two friends watch and review that with me. So that's probably going to be tough.

I gotta say, I picked a doozy of a film to end this website on. But I had to and now...that's it. I have nothing else to say about this movie. It sucks. SUCKS! JUST FUCKING SUCKS! UGGGHH!!!!!!

FUCK THIS MOVIE!! FUCK THIS MOVIE SO HARD THAT I HOPE THE WORLD JUST FUCKING EXPLODES AS A RESULT OF THIS MOVIE BEING FUCKED SO HARD!!!! I have never heard a Jacques Brel song before and I hope I never do! IF I EVER hear one, I will probably burst into flame and kill any motherfuckers that are in my path!! FUCK THIS MOVIE

FUCK THIS MOVIE!

FUCK!!! THIS!!! MOVIE!!!!!!!!



So anyway, thanks everybody for spending seven years reading all my crap. It's a bit sad this is the end but hey, what ya gonna do, huh? To tie everything together, here's a pretty sad song originally sung by Jacques Brel but I think it fits well in this situation.




Until we meet again!
-Jason Soto

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