Sunday, December 16, 2012

Captain Ron

I know, a comedy? Why? And why "Captain Ron" of all things? I'll tell you.

As much as I love bad movies and horror movies, I LOVE comedies. There's only a small handful of comedies that I don't like, one of which is "Corky Romano". "Captain Ron" falls in that category of "it's a lame comedy that people make fun of other people for watching." Like "Oh you love stupid movies, you MUST love 'Captain Ron', don't you?"

Oddly enough, this was my first time watching it. I have no idea how I haven't seen this before mainly because this is the type of movie my mother would eat up. Well, she probably rented it when I was a kid and thought it was too "dirty" for me. This coming from the same woman that introduced me to "Die Hard" at the age of 9 but whatever.

I always seem to have to defend my love of comedies because the comedies that I love, EVERYONE seems to hate. Don't get me wrong, I love stuff like "Airplane!" and the "Vacation" movies and I LOVE "Anchorman" but I also love stuff like "BASEketball" "Hot Rod", and "Billy Madison". Which brings us to "Captain Ron".

Kurt Russell seems to have the uncanny ability to be a badass simultaneously as being funny. He's awesome in "Overboard" and you have to admit he's both funny AND a badass in "Big Trouble in Little China" so I didn't think we would have a problem here. And Martin Short is also in this movie, who I can either take or leave. He's funny in "Innerspace" and of course "Three Amigos" and...oh god that's it. I find his Jiminy Glick character annoying as fuck and he was in "Clifford" and...oh man.

Oddly enough, in "Captain Ron" he's kind of subdued. He's not his overly hyperactive self. He's more like a toned down Jerry Lewis going "Oh jeez I don't know about that! Oh boy! Let's have an adventure! Captain Ron!"

Ok onto the movie. Martin Short is...Martin. Wow. Ok then. Martin works some job that we never really get much detail on outside of the fact it's in downtown Chicago, it's in a tall building, and the windows in these buildings seem to just fall down onto the streets randomly. Cause you know they wouldn't know how to make giant buildings in Chicago. PFFT!

Anyway, Martin goes through a painfully unfunny bit where he gets on an elevator and has a lady sneeze in his coffee for 20 minutes before getting word that a Great Uncle of his died and left him his nice luxury boat that once belonged to Clark Gable called The Wanderer.

Martin gets excited and rushes home, pretty much in the middle of the day but by the time he gets home it's late afternoon when he would normally be arriving? The timing made no sense. Anyway, Martin finds out the boat is worth close to a million dollars and he plans on selling it but before he does he wants to ride on it one last time.

He brings this up to his wife who OF COURSE hates the idea because WOMEN, huh?! (NOTE TO SELF: Don't tell Joanna to NOT read this review.) And the wife has a valid point because neither of them knows how to steer a boat and they have two kids, one aged 10 and one aged 16. The sixteen-year-old Caroline just got engaged to a punk rocker because OH BOY PARENTS WORST NIGHTMARE! And the 10-year-old is your typical trouble maker.

They only go on this trip because of the daughter's engagement. If it wasn't for that little plot point that literally goes NOWHERE, none of this would've happened. Fuck it, bring the boat to Chicago. I've seen weirder things parked in backyards in the suburbs of Chicago.

They fly down to one random Caribbean island to retrieve the boat and find that it's not in the greatest condition. Boy, talk about a JUNK!!! (Sorry, it's this movie you see...) But they need someone to steer to boat...hmm...

ENTER CAPTAIN RON! He's pretty much Snake Plissken without the charm. Meaning he has an eye patch, a don't give a fuck attitude, and probably hasn't showered in months. He rambles some stuff to Martin about how to run the beat up engine and how to operate the boat before leaving the island.

Then the hijinks ensue as Captain Ron drinks, swears, messes up, and steers the boat to wrong islands. My main issue with the movie is the lack of set up. It's like the movie is anxious to get to it's punchline they don't set it up. Like we know Captain Ron is a fuck up but he's still kinda lovable. So naturally two things SHOULD happen: 1. everybody BUT Martin hates him, while Martin thinks he's a great guy and wants to give him a chance.
2. everybody BUT Martin LOVES him, while Martin suspects Ron is faking everything and wants to bang the wife and daughter.

The movie goes with option two but it happens so fast you don't realize it's happening. One scene Martin is like "I like Captain Ron" and the next scene he's like "I WANT HIM OFF THIS BOAT!!!" and that's it. Almost all the jokes in this movie are like that.

For instance, they arrive on some island (called Ted's) and while eating, Martin decides to head back to the boat. Ron tells him to watch out for gorillas. Martin goes "THERE ARE NO GORILLAS HERE!!" and takes off. Before you can say "oh he meant GUERRILLAS" Martin is face to face with a gun. Normally, this would play out for some laughs as he tries to talk his way out of it but jump cut next scene Martin tells us that Ron talked themselves out of it. Oh and they must give the guerrillas a ride. LAUGH DAMMIT!

This movie has so many wasted opportunities like the fact the daughter seems to be a giant slut, hitting on every guy on every island that you'd think eventually she'd hit on the wrong guy and trouble would ensue. Nope, she's just a slut. End of story. And there's a part where they end up in Puerto Rico with the guerrillas and the island EXILES THE AMERICANS for bringing them here. Do I need to explain that going to Puerto Rico is like going to anywhere else in America and you can't just get exiled. Maybe arrested and whatnot yes but not kicked out of the country.

Eventually, Ron pisses off some actual pirates of the Caribbean and they steal The Wanderer, leaving the family on a raft floating to Cuba. Oh boy, here comes the Cuban jokes. AND this was the late '80s, early '90s so yeah. Anyway, of course Ron comes to the rescue to redeem himself, they get the boat looking pretty, Ron parts ways with the family who is now stronger than ever, and they decide to keep the boat. See? It'd look lovely going down Michigan Ave!

I really hate to say this but I didn't laugh once during this movie. I didn't do anything really. I just watched it, went "Oh that happened", and waited for the next thing to happen. I didn't HATE the movie, but the worst crime a comedy can commit is not being funny and when you have Kurt Russell being a sleazeball and Martin Short being overly anxious, there should be some comedy but none was to be found.

If I had a lame bucket list of movies, I would probably be shaking my head as I crossed this movie off. And crying. definitely crying.


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