Thursday, December 06, 2012

Sand Sharks

I been wanting to cover this movie since I did my shark attack blog-a-thon(g) earlier this year but it wasn't available then. Thankfully, Netflix decided to add it to their Instant Watch and now I get to cover it before Invasion of the B Movies goes away forever!

What was the huge appeal to me? Mainly the raw star power of Brooke Hogan! She popped up during "2-Headed Shark Attack" and when I heard she did ANOTHER movie, this time about sharks in sand, I said "Oh great, she's gonna be the go-to shark gal, huh?"

"Sand Sharks" opens up with two dirt bike riding guys riding around on a beach. One of them gets stuck in the sand and wouldn't you know it a shark pops out of the sand and eats him. The other guy of course thinks the first guy was joking around and goes looking for him but he too gets eaten.

After the credits, where all the stars are also the producers of the movie and we learn there's a guy calling himself "Edgar Allan Poe IV" (Will this guy still have a career? Quoth the raven: "Nevermore!"), we meet Jimmy. Jimmy is your standard stereotypical sleazy producer guy who wears fake gold jewelry, wears tinted glasses indoors, and calls everyone "babe".

Jimmy is from an island called White Sand and his father (played by Edgar Allan Poe IV) is the Mayor of this island. Jimmy has returned home to help bring tourists to this island. We're told through several back story conversations that Jimmy tried to have a festival on the island before and a billion people died, which scared off the tourists, so as a result the island hasn't recovered and businesses are leaving and the residents are moving into the city.

Jimmy wants to put on a festival called "Sand Man", which is suppose to be a rip off of Burning Man. Mayor Dad actually likes the idea and tells Jimmy he can put on the festival. Meanwhile Sheriff John and his sister Brenda are trying to solve the mystery of the two dead bikers from earlier. Brenda thinks it was a shark, despite the bodies being found on land and calls in a shark expert, Brooke Hogan!

Hey if Tara Reid can play a museum curator, Brooke Hogan can be a shark expert!

Meanwhile, Jimmy is all gung-ho on setting up for this festival but John and Brenda have decided to close the beaches until they figure out if there is a shark or not. Brooke Hogan shows up to peek into microscopes, say some things I'm sure she read off a cue card regarding types of sharks, and of course wear bikinis as often as possible.

Already, it sounds like a bad rip-off or parody of "Jaws" and you're half-right. There is an old salty sea dog guy who says he can kill the shark for ya, the town does go into a panic, AND the mayor doesn't want to close the beaches, AND AND it's up to the small island sheriff to save everybody! I guess Brooke Hogan is Richard Dreyfuss? Have fun wit that masterbatory fantasy.

Jimmy is pissed off that the beach is closed so he hires a fake Jason Statham to bring a fake shark from a "bad shark movie" (SEE NICK, THIS MOVIE IS META!) to pass as the shark going around killing people on the island. But Professor Brooke Hogan knows the truth and says so to everybody's faces!

Later that night, Jimmy decides to set up for the festival anyway by having fake Jason Statham set up the power cables, which causes a black out on the island. John figured this out and spots Fake Statham on the beach but you know what else is on the beach? The shark....our shark!

The shark attacks Fake Statham, who was plugging in some more power cords after fixing the power or something and this causes an electrical surge, blowing up the shark. With that out of the way, Jimmy is free to put on the festival.

And what a lame festival. It looked more like an organized flash mob set to dubstep. There was maybe 20 people, even though Jimmy promised Edgar Allan Poe IV a billion people, MORE people than Burning Man, and all these people were gonna save the island's economy. HEY! Maybe that's what Obama should do! Throw a GIANT dance party in Washington, D.C, have EVERY country over, and have Skrillex provide the music! Talk about a Party in the U.S.A!

Anyway, since the movie hasn't ended yet, you probably figured out that wasn't the only shark in the sand that got killed. It was actually a baby shark and the baby shark has a mother...and a father...and several other siblings. Cue the mayhem!

In the mayhem, Brenda is chomped in half along with some people that worked for Jimmy. Jimmy learns his lesson and decides not to be a douchebag and actually tries to save people. And it's up to John, Brooke Hogan, and salty sea dog guy to save the day! How do they save the day?

I have no idea. It was confusing at best. Something about melting sand and using amps from the DJ's booth and the song "Ride of the Valkyries". Oh and Jimmy is carrying napalm for no real reason. He just happened to have it. OH! And there was literally a scene where characters just transported. John and Brooke Hogan are stuck on some rocks, being circled by sand sharks. Cuts away to Jimmy driving to the police station to get some guns and suddenly both John and Brooke is there! They just said "oh we got away!" THE FUCK?!?!?!

Whatever. So they're putting their plan into motion but the speakers is cut by the shark fins and Jimmy decides to sacrifice himself by running around in circles singing "Row Row Row Your Boat". This causes the sharks to think "The fuck is wrong with this guy?" and eat him. Thankfully, Brooke Hogan knows how to handle a flame thrower and blows up the sharks real good.

What's funny about this movie is it clearly doesn't take itself too seriously. The Netflix description says it's a "comedic thriller". So this movie had it's tongue planted clearly in it's cheek and as a result, I'll go easy on it. The acting was fucking terrible, however, and I'm sure that wasn't on purpose. It's a goofy ass movie and if you need something dumb to watch and want to look at Brooke Hogan's tits for an hour and a half and NOT risk a restraining order, you can pop this in. But you see them more in "2-Headed Shark Attack"...whatever!


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