Summer of 90's: 1990-Graveyard Shift

So I'm wrapping up the 90's thing with this. What the hell, I started in 1990, might as well end in 1990. Let's do the time warp again!

"Graveyard Shift" is based on a short story by Stephen King and boy does it show. I'm sure they added in a few scenes just to make it a movie length cause for a good chunk of the movie, nothing happens.

The story takes place in a textile mill and we focus on one guy, who's oddly enough wearing a red shirt so I guess this movie has an awesome sense of humor. Red Shirt is running the cotton picker in the...basement? No that can't be, the basement is mentioned later. I don't know where this thing is cause people walk down stairs to get to it.

Anyway, Red Shirt is visited by mice and rats and he talks to them like students. He picks one up and puts it through the cotton picker, which kills it. The mice and rats don't like this so they send in their ringer: some giant shadowy thing off camera that kills Red Shirt.



After the credits, we find John walking through town. He's a drifter who worked and lived everywhere along the East Coast. The setting of this story is Maine, where all of King's stories take place (well, except for the Langoliers but whatever) ((Oh right, The Shining, ok whatever)) (((Oh yeah and Children of the Corn-ok I take back what I said, jesus)))

What was I saying?

John finds a place to live and goes to the mill to get a job. We meet Warwick, who has the same haircut as my Uncle, so now when we go to family get togethers, I'm gonna have to be leary of him. Warwick is the manager/owner of the mill and he has a problem (besides mice and rats and red shirts dying). The basement is a safety hazard and needs to be organized and cleaned in a week or else the mill is going to be shut down. So Warwick needs a cleaning crew to go down there and clean it up.

This is the plot which is stretched out over an hour. Warwick hires John to do the cotton picking. People in the mill and the town give John a hard time for whatever reason. There's a shitload of rats. And Brad Dourif is the Exterminator.



Dourif gets a Robert Shaw-like scene where he talks about rats being used as torture in Veitnam but it literally came out nowhere and I couldn't understand what he was saying cause he was all dirty and sweaty. In fact, every single person in this movie was so incredibly sweaty. Where was this filmed, the Mojave Desert?



There's some more sub plot stuff of chicks Warwick is banging and trying to bang. One chick he was banging finds out she's on the basement clean up crew and is pissed about this so she smashes his car to hell. I should institute a new movie rule/law:
If a nice car is shown, by the end of the movie, it will be trashed. I demand credit for coming up with that.

I also wanna mention this quickly. In a scene in a diner, a guy is in the background reading "Ben". This movie is cute.



John eventually hooks up with Jane (wow, what boring names. Sorry, Mr. King) and eventually Warwick has his cleanup crew put together. So the night of the cleanup, the crew (including John, Jane, a black dude, and three people that pick on John for whatever reason) are in the basement cleaning up with one dude with the hose loves his job a bit too much and wipes out the rats with the hose. I guess they didn't put the lotion on it's skin.

Warwick's a funny guy cause it looks like he's not around then whenever something happens that interests him he just shows up. There's a part where John is moving some stuff and he finds a underground enterance. Suddenly, Warwick is there and opens it up. Soon, the entire crew goes down into the tunnel. But Dumbass Hose Guy freaks out, breaks the stairs, and falls into a pool of water where he's eaten.

The last 20 minutes goes by pretty quickly. Brad Dourif is suddenly killed when a tombstone falls on his head. The other people that made fun of John die quickly. Warwick decided to go batshit insane and smear himself with dirty and go on a rat rampage. John and Jane manage to get away by finding a tunnel that leads to whatever this giant creature is home.

Warwick decides he's not crazy enough, stabs Jane, and wants to kill John. The creature shows up and munches on Warwick. John finds that this hideout leads to the cotton picking room (now wait a cotton pickin' minute! Sorry, I had to say that at least once) and the giant creature, which we don't ever really see clearly, follows.




The monster gets caught in the machine and John throws a pop can at the on switch, and this manages to chomp the monster into bits. John is now laying on the floor and a horde of rats desend upon him and....fade to black. Aww, it's "Inception" all over again!

The first half of the movie is good and the last 20 minutes or so is fucking awesome. The middle part, clearly the part added to King's story, is a bit slow. I'm all for setting up a story, but jesus this took forever. I was just "Ugh, get in the basement and get eaten by that giant rat thing whatever already!" And they probably didn't have to kill Jane, that was kind of a pointless kill.


Anyway, that's it. I know I missed a shitload of 90's movies but between work and the weather (the Misses insists I go outside, I don't know why) I haven't had the time. But there's good stuff coming up so stay tuned for that!
-Jason

Summer of '90's: 1994-Tales From The Crypt: Demon Knight

Ok, ok, ok, ok, ok...OK!

I'm sorry. I've been slacking when it comes to this blog-a-thon. I'm sorry. See what had happened was I ended up working 9 days a week, plus the busiest time for us (back to school) decided to happen in the summer instead of August, when it should be. And with it being "nice" (actually hot as fuck) outside, the fiancee wants to do something called "going outside" and "do stuff". So a lot of my movie watching time has been spent doing other things.

Anyway, I'm here to do a 1994 flick titled "Tales From The Crypt: Demon Knight".

I'm sure you remember "Tales From The Crypt". It was an HBO show that ran for several years in the late 80's and early 90's. It was sort of like "The Twilight Zone" which each episode being a mini horror movie and the cast had super famous people Lea Thompson, Amanda Plummer, Joe Pantoliano, and Robert Wuhl. Well, ok super famous for the 90's.

It was hosted by The Cryptkeeper, a dead guy who just LOVES puns. In fact, in way, this movie is sort of a pun. I'll explain that. Well, much like any TV show, this is the movie version. It's pretty much just a longer version of a story that would appear on "Tales".

The movie starts with the same intro as the TV show does, a long pan through an old abandoned house. We go through a secret passageway and end up in a secret crypt. Then we come to a coffin and out pops the Cryptkeeper! Then it jumps into a story suddenly.

A chick with big tits killed some dude and she called her boyfriend telling him he did it. She takes a bath to wash the blood off when it's revealed this is all fake! It's for the Tales From The Crypt movie! And the guy playing the dead zombie guy is Dan Fielding aka John Laurelquette!

The Cryptkeeper is directing and he stops to tell us the story that's really our movie. So isn't this more like Tales From The Set of "Tales From The Crypt: The Movie"? Whatever.

So the story is kinda simple really. There's two dudes, one named Brayker and the other simply called The Collector. The Collector is played by Billy Zane, who was channeling 80's Bill Paxton. Maybe it's a Bill thing. (My friend Adam is probably laughing at that right now)

Anyway, Brayker has something that belongs to The Collector: a key. Billy Zane has six keys and he needs the last one. Brayker and Billy play chick with some cars and the cars both explode. Breyker survives and runs to the nearest town. He stumbles upon Dick Miller, the cool older guy from "Gremlins" and asks Dick where he can stay for the night.

Dick takes him to a hotel that use to be a church. How that worked out is a mystery but whatever. The hotel is run by CCH Pounder, who plays Irene. There are other people staying in this hotel and it's your stock characters. You got:
-The Whore
-Dude banging the whore for free, named Roach, and he's played by Thomas Haden Church.
-Wally, dude obsessed with the Whore, and he's played by the voice of Roger Rabbit.
-And Jada Pinkett before she was Smith, as a work release prison inmate.

So Brayker checks in and tries to chill out, but Billy didn't die either. He stumbles upon the two cops checking out the car crash when they get a call about someone breaking into a car. It was Brayker earlier so they check it out and end up at the church hotel.

Billy asks Brayker where the key is at and the cops locate it. Just as they are all about to head to the station, Billy goes crazy and kills one of the cops and reveals he's really a fucking demon. Brayker breaks free and de-demonizes the place. The rest of the movie was pretty much remade in "Feast".

By that I mean a group of people are locked in a place and things outside want them dead. But if they can make it till morning, everything will magically be alright. Well, Billy isn't cool with this and he uses his demon powers to enter the minds of some people. He starts with the Whore, who turns into a demon and kills Wally, who was trying to fuck her. P-P-P-P-PLEASE EDDIE! Don't let me get a STD!!!!

Billy creates some zombie demons (hence demon night or knight cause that's what Billy calls himself later on) and the only way to kill these things are by taking out their eyes. It's kind of a cool device really and provides a lot of neat scenes. While Billy waits patiently, Roach is annoying and wants to give Billy Brayker so he can just leave in peace. There's a scene in a tunnel but they have to go back cause Billy shows up.

Eventually, everyone is either killed, or tempted by Billy until it's down to Jada Pinkett. Brayker provides some backstory which is kinda hard to explain. I'll just say it involves the seven keys, all being lined up right, and if done so, all the demons take over the earth and kills all the humans. And something about God and Jesus and the first line of Genesis.



No, not "I Can't Dance".

Pretty much if Billy wins, we're all fucked. And Brayker has been alive since the 1900's cause this power can be passed down to people. This part is kinda convoluted so let's jump to Roach stealing the key and giving it to Billy. Billy decides to kill Roach after all (RAID?!?!) and goes to kick some Brayker ass.

Irene, who lost an arm earlier, decides to blow herself up and take some demons with her. Jada Pinkett gets tempted but refuses. Brayker is injured in a fight with Billy and passes his power to her so he can die. So now it's Jada Pinkett vs Billy. It's kind of a boring showdown cause all she does is spit Jesus' blood (long story, part of the convoluted part) into Billy's face and he blows up. So now Jada Pinkett has to roam the Earth while a replacement Collector shows up after Jada.

So that ends and we go to the premire of The Cryptkeeper's movie. There's several puns involving the word "cut" and the movie ends. Ta-da.

Overall, it's a good movie. I was entertained and liked it. I didn't get all excited or go "HOLY FUCKING SHIT" during any of it, but it's still watchable. Billy Zane is a trip in the movie and I think he made it worthwhile. The convoluted part makes sense in the movie, it's just hard to explain so don't get worried by that.
Now if you'll excuse me, I got a DEAD in the COVEN! HAHAHAHA!!!

-Jason

Summer of 90's-1992: Dr. Giggles

Well. "Dr. Giggles". Hm...

Yeah well...Larry Drake, you see, he was popular? Eh.

Ok, I don't know how to start this damn review. So you're gonna get thrown right into it, ok? Ok.

We're in the town of Mooreshigh and a bunch of years ago, the town doctor Dr. Rendell had a wife who had a heart problem. The more sick she got, the more crazier he got. He got so crazy that he went around randomly killing people and taking their hearts to "fix her broken heart". The townspeople eventually got wind of this and in true "Nightmare on Elm Street" fashion, instead of getting the police involved, or even the F.B.I, they just got together and killed the doctor. It was well known he had a son, Evan Junior, but he somehow escaped.

Flashforward to "present day" (AKA 1992) and Dr. Evan Rendell, Jr AKA Dr. Giggles, has escaped a mental hospital and is going back to Mooreshigh for revenge! We then meet Jennifer, who is dating Max. She has a heart condition (uh oh) and can't do much of anything.

On the final day of school, everyone goes out and parties! Jennifer doesn't feel like getting it on with Max, who has constant blue ball syndrome. Meanwhile, Dr. Giggles is getting set up at his old childhood home and has decided to kill the townspeople, one by one.

The way he kills the people is a treat. He basically uses comically giant sized versions of medical tools. He uses a giant tongue depressor, giant nose scope thingy, he even has a fuckin' band-aid big enough to cover Andre the Giant. Oh and a goofy slasher movie wouldn't be complete without a bunch of groan-worthy one-liners, all medical related.



"You're lucky I make house calls!"
"This will hurt you more than it will me!"
"Sounds like you need a second opinion!"
"Don't worry, it's ouchless!" (Said after killing someone with the band-aid)
"Is there a doctor in the house?"

So clearly, this movie is NOT suppose to be taken seriously, which is good cause there's a shitload of flaws and continuity errors in this movie.

Eventually, he sets his sights on Jennifer's heart problem, flashbacking to his mom's problems. He manages to snag her and take her back to his home/office to operate on him. Earlier, some cops were checking out Dr. Giggle's place and the old timey cop who looked like Lorne Green or Ernest Borgnine tells the story of how Young Evan escaped the house.

Evan Senior pretty much sewed Junior into the dead body of his mother and at the morgue, Junior cut his own way out. They show this in great detail and is a pretty cool scene, honestly. What they DON'T explain is how he ended up in the mental hospital or why he waited so long to get his revenge.

But whatever.

The last 20 minutes is your typical slasher movie with the good guy and the cop trying to rescue the girl and the killer won't die. He even fuckin' explodes and that doesn't stop him. The girl later eventually stops him. Cookie-cutter stuff. But the trip through the typical stuff is a fun ride.

This is far from a "great" movie, but it's pretty damn fun. Larry Drake, who's only two famous roles (That I'm aware of) is the bad guy in "Darkman", and the "mentally challenged guy" on "L.A Law", was pretty good as a one-liner saying crazy ass doctor. He's kind weird looking anyway so playing a scary dude is pretty much right up his alley.




-Jason

Summer of '90's Announcement!

Don't worry, I'm not cancelling it. I'm making it somewhat better. After doing this for 3 weeks (Jeez, is THAT all?) I've come to a conclusion:

Doing a year a week is fuckin' hard work. Plus you skip out on a lot of other good stuff. Mainly hard work.

So I'm gonna forgo the one year a week thing and just do ANY movie from ANY year in the 90's until August 7th. This will give me more freedom and more chance to catch up on some movies I wanted to cover that I missed out on in the previous weeks. I'll still designate years to each post so you know when it came out. This should be a bit better. I hope.

Thanks for your patience.
-Jason

Summer of 90's: 1992-Twin Peaks: Fire Walk With Me

I haven't talked about TV shows and I'm not going to besides "Twin Peaks" only because how fuckin' weird it was.

For those who for whatever reason don't know, "Twin Peaks" was a show co-created by David Lynch and it centered around the murder of a high school girl named Laura Palmer. Her murder was a shock to everyone because she had this good girl image. FBI Agent Dale Cooper (Kyle MacLaughlin) comes in to investigate the murder and, well, weird random wacky shit happens.

In the middle of the second season, they wrapped up Laura's murder and Lynch and ABC, the channel the show was on, decided to dedicate the show to the weirdness of the town, not realizing the appeal of the show was really the mystery of Laura's murder, along with the weirdness. After a few episode of weird "Twilight Zone/X-Files" shit, the season ended on a cliffhanger that was never resolved cause the show was cancelled.

David Lynch, however, wasn't finished and decided to give us a fresh look at Laura's murder by making "Twin Peaks: Fire Walk With Me", a prequel of sorts to the show. The events of the movie take place one week before Laura's murder.

The beginning of the movie, actually, shows the investigation of a girl Cooper mentioned on the show, Teresa Banks, but this time Chris Issak's is investigating it. Banks was found dead the same way Laura Palmer will be a year from now.

A year goes by and we pretty much follow Laura around doing all sorts of stuff like drinking, doing drugs, fucking, participating in orgies, and participaing in drug runs. She has two dudes, and her friend Donna wants to tag along. It's here we see a SHITLOAD of tits, which I guess is good but also kinda weird since they're techically high school students. But I'm sure the chicks playing them were like 30 something so it's a bit conflicting.

Any event, the movie is too weird to get into extreme detail. If you're a fan of the show, it serves it's purpose to explain some shit while at the same time confuse the ever living fuck out of you. It is sorta too bad this is the last Twin Peaks thing David Lynch did. It was probably the only thing he did that made any sense.

-Jason

Summer of 90's: Catch Up Post

I'm a bit behind on movies and plus I don't have a whole lot to say about the three I have to present so I'll just give them to you in small doses.

1. Under Seige

Holy fuck this movie is awesomely insane. You got Steven Segal as a cook on a naval ship but guess what? He use to be a fuckin' NAVY Seal! So he'll slice and dice...YOUR ASS!! You got Tommy Lee Jones as a terrorist hippy. And you got Gary Buesy back being the bad guy and this time...he's wearing a dress? Well, it's only in one scene but still. He wears a dress. You got Erika Elaniak showing her tits. It's pure Segal and it's awesome. Oh Steven, if only you made more movies like this.

2. Reservior Dogs

I love this movie. After falling in love with "Pulp Fiction" I went and found out Tarantino made this prior and had to check it out. And indeed it is mucho awesome. You notice some things, like the camera in the trunk shot was used in both movies. And two characters named Vega. It's interesting. Anyway, I don't need to go too deep into this movie. You either know about it or you don't. And if you don't, you fuckin' should.

3. Just a link to my Dead Alive review. I love this movie and it was the first new review I posted on my site when I created it in August 2005 (FUCK! It's been 5 years!) and I watched it every year in August cause it's that awesome.

That's it. I'm now caught up. This week has been mucho crazy and balls to the wall nuts. I'll tell you about it sometime.
-Jason

Summer of '90's: 1991: Link to Point Break

So awhile ago, I was boiled into controversy when the LAMB decided to honor Former Mrs. James Cameron as a director. I forget her name now. Kathy something. Anyway. Turns out she directed a film called "Point Break", a film that I'm suppose to like. I watched it and I was pretty much let down cause it wasn't balls to the wall crazy like I was expecting. I posted my review and went on with my life.

Then out of nowhere, I got comments and emails from people asking me what my problem was and why I didn't like this masterpiece. And...I felt kinda bad. I apparently slammed the best movie of the 90's. EVER! And people took offense. So now that the dust settled and I have been forgiven, I'll give my second opinion here.

Thinking back on it, maybe it wasn't THAT bad. It does have Keanu Reeves. AND Gary Busey. AANNDD Patrick Swayze. I think I just felt the movie was a big long and there was too much set up. I mean, I knew Patrick Swayze's gang was the robbers from the start so why belabor the point so much? Just say it right away.

But anyway. There are some good lines, the action is pretty decent, and it's always good seeing Gary Busey play a GOOD crazy guy. Just for the record, I'll add a star to my original rating. With that said, here is my review for "Point Break".

Enjoy and see you in 1992.
-Jason

Summer of '90's: 1991-Popcorn

I didn't know much about "Popcorn" prior to watching this today. I didn't even know it was from 1991. But when I saw it on the list, I had a flash to when I rented movies all the time and I went to the horror section and I would see this video cover and thought it was about contanimated popcorn that kills anyone that eats it. It sounded like a silly, but interesting, premise.

What it's actually about is SOOOO much more better.

Movie starts with Maggie have a weird dream about a dude trying to stab her with a knife and calling out to someone named Sarah. Maggie wakes up and immedately records the dream on a tape because she's writing a movie about this weird-o dream she's been having. Her mom, played by Dee Wallace Stone, acts kinda shady about this whole dream thing.

Maggie goes to school and she's a film major. The film department is getting screwed up the ass because the school is focusing it's attention on sports. Fuck you sports. Fuck you. So to generate interest in the film department, one of the students Toby came up with a neat idea: have a classic B-movie festival at a theater put on by the department! Not only will they raise money, but they'll show them sports assholes! Show them real good!

Toby gets some help from Ray Walston, who plays an old time b-movie TV host. He brings in a bunch of props and helps with the movies. This was probably my favorite part, the movies being shown. They're called "Mosquito!" "The Incredible Amazing Electrified Man", and finally "The Stench". Each movie was going to have some gimmick to go with it. Like have a giant mosquito fly through the audience, have electrified seats, and actual bad smells waft through the crowd.

The movies are pretty awesome and are pretty much parody's of actual b-movies. "Mosquito!" is pretty much any giant bug monster movie, like "The Deadly Mantis". "Electrified Man" is pretty much exactly "The Indestructable Man", and "The Stench" is pretty much any 1970's Japanese horror film.

In THIS movie, however, while setting up the theater, the students find a film reel and they put it on. The film shows a guy who looks like Charles Manson killing some chick while he says "I AM THE POSSESSOR" over and over again. Three guesses on what the title of this film is.

The teacher, Mr. Davis, seems to know a lot about this lost film. Fake Charles Manson over there is named-get this-LAYNARD GATES. Laynard. You know, those things you wear around your neck. I know, right? Well anyway, Laynard was a cult leader who gave his followers acid. Film critics laughed at his weird ass movies so he made The Possessor in retaliation and finished the ending live, which consisted of Laynard stabbing his wife and killing the rest of his family, then himself. The bodies were never identified so for all they know Laynard is still out there....

After a montage of getting the theater set up, Momma Dee Wallace Stone is all worried about Maggie. When she takes a werid phone call that tells her to go to the theater, Dee shows up alright...packing mothafuckin' heat! You don't FUCK with Dee Wallace Stone!

So Dee Wallace Stone is outside the theather and the letters start popping off one by one, until a ghostly apprarition makes the words "The Possessor" show up. Oooh, scary! Dee Wallace Stone goes into the theater to kick some ghost ass but sadly she is one-up'd by a manniquin. D'oh!

It's now the next night and it's time for the movie festival. People are packed into the theater and they're all dressed all weird. They have a goodie bag with 3-D glasses and a pin to hold your nose closed for "The Stench". And I gotta say, speaking from experience of going to B-Fest on two different occasions, they got the rowdy crowd feel just right.

During our central plot, we see snippits of the films and they are a hoot. I have to give it up to the writer and performers for doing such a bang-up job mimicing such awful movies. When we do get to the central plot, the killer (who may or may not be Laynard) kills off Mr. Davis using the fake prop mosquito, after the showing of "Mosquito!", then he electrocutes Wheelchair Guy, who's operating the shocked seats, during "Electrofied Man". Unfortunately, the murders stopped after that, which is a shame cause I was dying to see how they'd kill someone using stench.

After the killings there are some amusing scenes featuring Maggie and her boyfriend Mark. Mark, by the way, takes more beatings than Ben Linus on "Lost". It's pretty amazing.

So should I spoil the ending? Nah. I'll end it with these questions:

Is Laynard really back from the dead or does one of the main character have a secret?
How would they have killed someone using odor?
Why is Maggie so god damn hot?
Did Dee Wallace Stone survive?
Will Benson ever figure out how to tell The Tates the secret he's been keeping?

All this, and more, will be answered when you watch..."Popcorn"!




-Jason

Summer of 90's: Suburban Commando (From Nostalgia Critic)

I was gonna watch and review the Hulk Hogan vehicle "Suburban Commando" then I remembered The Nostaliga Critic did an awesome kickass review of this movie and there's no way I could top it. So I'm gonna link to his review on his site. Ladies and gentlemen I present:

The Nostalgia Critic Reviews Suburban Commando

Enjoy!
-Jason

Summer of '90's: 1990-Total Recall (As I Try To Recall It)

I was TOTALly gonna watch this movie then write about it but I have seen it a few times and I think it'd be great if I could just RECALL what the movie is about based on my memory. That should be fun! Here we go!

Arnold Swartzenegger is a guy in the future. He's bored with his life, so he hears about this company called Rekall, spelled wrong cause spelling things wrong is PHUN! So he goes to this company and they tell him the scenerio he'll be playing, which is he becomes a big hero and at the end he gets the girl.

But in the middle of it, something goes wrong and the machine starts malfucntioning. Arnold leaves and then he finds out his life is all sorts of fucked up. He learns that he's actually a secret government spy and everyone is out to kill him: his best friend, his wife played by Sharon Stone, and even himself!

Arnold is told by a suitcase playing a video of himself to wrap a wet towel on his head, then pick a huge red glowing booger out of his nose with some pliers, then he's gotta go to Mars cause Mars Needs Bodybuilders! And to be librated with air or something.

But he's gotta go in disguise, so he goes as a giant woman and this works for .00001 seconds until the disguise just randomly blows up. So now Arnold is on Mars, he meets up with the chick from "Falling Down", and then some dude shows up telling him none of this is real and that he's still stuck in the Rekall machine. Arnold doesn't believe him so he kills the dude.

Arnold runs around Mars, gets trapped outside Mars, nearly suffocates, then some guy with a small dude in his stomach appears and says stuff to Arnold. I remember then some old guy chasing Arnold around and he fell down a lot. Then Arnold and girl from "Falling Down" turning the air on for Mars, then enjoying a sunset together on Mars annnnd end film.

Directed by Paul Verhooven aka "Director of Showgirls".

I had to watch this movie a few times cause the first time I seen it I was I think 11 or 12 and I didn't fucking understand it. Then when I got older I watched it a few more times and I thought it was amazingly cheesy. And I think having not seen it in awhile, I did a pretty good job remembering it. Right?

....right?

-Jason

PS: OH and there's a chick with three tits. Awesome.

Summer of '90's: 1990-Sorority House Massacre 2: Nighty-Nightmare

With 1990 winding up here, I just have to-HAVE TO-talk about this movie. I've seen this movie more times then I care to admit. And yes, it is a sequel to a movie, which I haven't seen, but I'm sure I really don't need to see it cause this movie is just great on it's own. Much like "Silent Night, Deadly Night".

In this movie, five random skanks decide to randomly start a sorority in an abandoned house...in a residental neighborhood. I forget the skanks names, it's not important really, but one of them has the worst accent ever. I don't even know what she's suppose to be. British? Australian? Brazilian? Martian? No fuckin' idea.

Anyway, the skanks get settled into the house, soon the clothes start coming off, there's a gratutious shower scene, and the drinking starts. Then right when it gets dark outside, the neighbor across the screet decides to introduce himself and he is easily the best fuckin' character in the whole entire movie.

I swear to you his name is Orville Ketchup, despite the ending credits calling him Orville Ketchum. But EVERYBODY in the movie is clearly saying "Ketchup" so his name is Orville Ketchup, ok? Anyway, Orville Ketchup is this weird looking guy who's pretty anti-social and he decides to tell the skanks a story.

The story is about the former resident of the house this sorority is now in named Hocksetter. One day Old Man Hocksetter decided to go nuts and kill some other random skanks and all of this is told through a helpful flashback. Eventually the cops showed up and killed Hocksetter in his place.

And with that, Orville Ketchup just leaves. Thanks. Say hi to Mean Mr. Mustard.

So then the fun begins when one of the skanks shows up dead and everything thinks its Orville Ketchup...even though they see him outside the house trying to get in. Orville Ketchup tries all kinds of ways to get into the house and no matter what, the girls find all sorts of ways to stop the guy: throw him off the roof, slam his head into a bunch of wood, even give him a swirlie in the toilet.

But the body's keep piling up until it's one girl and bad accent girl. Then the truth is revealed and this is fucking stupid but I swear this is what happened:

The bad accent girl...IS POSSESSED BY HOCKSETTER!! And the only person to stop him/her is...ORVILLE KETCHUP! Orville Ketchup pulls out a soul destroying gun and shoots bad accent girl, but not before she kills the other girl. Then a mover shows up with some cops and the cops shoot Orville Ketchup pretty point blank in the body...AND HE SURVIVED!!! He just has some scratches on him and he's ok! Movie's over!

It may sound like the most retarded movie in the world, and it is, but it's also fucking awesome. I'm telling you, Orville Ketchup needs to be in more movies. He's the greatest. He's this weird guy who can't die and he's suppose to be a good guy. I mean..WHAT??

As of this writing, its only available on VHS, which I am clutching to my A-Cup bosom as we speak. If anyone does have a DVD copy of this, please, pass the wealth.




-Jason

Summer of '90's: 1990-Soultaker

"Soultaker" was featured in a pretty famous episode of "Mystery Science Theater 3000". It was not only the episode that kicked off their tenth (and final) season, but it featured the return of Joel Hodgeson and Frank Conniff. Sadly, Joel didn't partake in the riffing but it was awesome to see both Mike and Joel standing side by side, making off-the-cuff jokes about comparing each other and whatnot.

The movie on the other hand...oh boy. Starring Joe Estevez (Martin Sheen's brother) and written and co-starring a chick named Vivian Schilling. It tells the story of a group of friends who die in a car accident and are not being chased by a "soultaker", sort of a Grim Reaper of sorts, played by Joe Estevez.

The group of friends include Zach, his ex-girlfriend Natalie, and their friends Brad and Tommy. Brad doesn't like Natalie cause she's "slightly more rich then they are", which is like saying "I hate that person cause he has slightly more shoes than I do".

They're driving to the ever fun Summerfest when The Angel of Death (Robert Z'Dar) tells Joe to take the souls of our four heroes and he only has 12 hours to do so before...I don't know, their soul's expire or something. So Joe causes a car accident, which I think is cheating if you ask me, and succeeds in taking the souls of Brad and Tommy but it's Zach and Natalie that Joe has a hard time with.

Then there's the sub-plot of Joe remembering his wife in his previous life and she just happens to look like Natalie. Did I mention the chick playing Natalie wrote this movie? Just in case that wasn't clear. So the rest of the movie is Zach and Natalie NOT KNOWING THEY'RE DEAD and they go get help from Natalie's Mom, who's really just Joe in disguise, so there's some pretty creepy moments.

Eventually, they discover that Zach and Natalie's bodies are on life support at the hospital and they have to get back into their bodies before their parents pull the plug. So this leads to RUNNING IN THE HOSPITAL: THE MOVIE! It must be fun to run in a hospital.

I won't tell the ending cause frankly it's stupid and retarded. I recommend watching this movie in MST3K form cause it's MUCH more enjoyable. The movie itself is just weird, kinda slow, and just overall stupid. Plus having the screenwriter cast as the main chick is just so vain. I guess she thought this movie was about her.

-Jason

Summer of '90's-1990: Darkman

Fuckin' LOOOOVE "Darkman". I seen this when it came out on video and I was blown away. Watching it again 20 years later, I'm still blown away. And amazed that this movie stars Liam Neeson AND Frances McDormand.

This is a Sam Raimi movie and it shows. This was probably what he showed Marvel when he was interested in directing "Spider-man" because this entire movie feels like a comic book movie. The style, the background scenes, hell even the overall story is almost like a mash-up of every comic book hero ever.

The story focuses on Peyton Westlake (Neeson) who is a scientist working on making realistic skin for burn victims and whatnot. He's successful but the skin can only last for 99 minutes before it melts away. But he discovers that in the dark it lasts a long time. Peyton is dating Julie (McDormand), who is an attorney for some sleazy building developer named Strack. Julie discovers some sort of illegal thing going on with Strack and rather stupidly goes right to him about this.

Strack isn't happy about this so he sends his right hand man named Durant (Larry Drake, yes THAT Larry Drake) to Peyton's place to get this memo. Durant trashes Peyton's lab, kills his assistant, and pretty much fucks up Peyton's body, badly burning him. As a final "fuck you", Durant and his men blow the shit out of his lab. Peyton goes flying and lands in a nearby water source.

Sometime later, Peyton is found and put in a hospital where they cut off all his nerve endings so he doesn't feel the pain of being horrible burnt. The cause of this, however, leads to Peyton getting pissed off a lot and kinda sensitive. He wakes up and escapes the hospital and after salaving what's left of his equipment, moves to an abandoned warehouse and starts a-new.

Eventually, he moves on to revenge and starts making faces of Durant's men and fucking with their lives. He poses as one goon and takes Durant's money, so then Durant goes to the real goon's house and kills him, not believing his story of "it wasn't me" even though Durant saw him on the counter AND on the sofa.

Finally, Peyton is able to make a fake version of his face and he goes out to find Julie and...not tell her what happened. O....K. While he's getting his groove thang back on with Julie, he's planning revenge on Durant and his men by fucking up more shit.

After Peyton tries to pretend to be Durant and take some more money, in which the REAL Durant shows up, and Julie tells Strack Peyton is alive, life gets hard(er) for him. Durant followed Julie to the abandoned warehouse to plead with Peyton to let her see his real self (after she finds out he's been using his equipment to make fake faces) and kidnaps her and tries to rid of Peyton. Peyton alludes them and eventually stops Durant. Now to save Julie.

Peyton disguises himself as Durant but Strack figures it out and tries to pay off Peyton, but Peyton is like "Fuck you" and a fight ensues. It's a pretty awesome fight. Hell, the chase scene one scene back was awesome too. This entire movie is just awesome. I'm stopping here cause if you haven't seen "Darkman" you need you get on that.

Sadly, there were some sequels that don't have Liam Neeson nor were written or directed by Sam Raimi so I'm sure they're crap. I'll give them a watch eventually but for now, let's just enjoy this awesome original movie. Oh and look out for a cameo by Bruce Campbell. Can't miss it.

-Jason

Summer of '90's-1990: Troll 2

To begin the movie portion of my Summer-long blog-a-thon, let's start with, oh I don't know...Troll 2?

Troll 2 is such an epic movie that not only did I make it my second ever Mass Invasion, but it was also the 100th movie reviewed on the site. What's even greater is this movie is so bad there's a documentary on how bad it is. I present to you "Best Worst Movie"



But that's not what this is about. You wanna read some stuff about the movie itself. Thankfully, this movie has been covered all over the place. So take your pick:

Me and My Friends Review It
Nolahn, my podcastin' partner in crime, reviewed it at Bargin Bin Review
Andrew at BadMovies.org reviewed it
And Fatally Yours reviewed it

If you reviewed "Troll 2" and you want it linked up here, drop me a line in the comment section. Now if you excuse me, I got some hopsitality to piss on.
-Jason

EPIC POST IS EPIC!

Ok guys and ghouls, here's the moment you all been waiting for: What epic thing have I been talking about for awhile now? Well here it is!

Starting June 7th and going all the way til August, I will be celebrating the '90's! Every week I'll focus on a year within that decade and talk about different stuff. Such as:
-On The Blog and The Site I will review bad movies from each year. Also post links to reviews I already posted.
-At "Jason's Movie Bucket List", whatever movie on the list falls in that particular year I'll watch it.
-And over at "Two Trick Pony" I'll talk about...everything else. Including music videos, other good movies, and personal stuff.

I been putting this together for a couple of months now and I think it'll be fun. So if you aren't already, make sure you follow the other blogs to further enhance the experience. I'll also set up a homepage on The Site full of linky goodness in case you miss something.

And also you, YES YOU, are welcome to participate. Is your favorite movie from 1993? Wanna write about it? Or you already wrote about it? Email the link to me and when I get to that particular year, I'll post it. And even though I spent awhile planning it, I still got some bugs to work out and other things I need to figure out, which I'll probably do so as I go along, so bear with me.

Anyway, this should be fun. The Summer of '90's! Awesome, dude!
-Jason