After Nolahn challeneged me last month to the brain melting film "Wiseguys vs Zombies" (Apparently a new favorite among readers!), he decided to take it easy on me and give me the awesomely titled "Flight of the Living Dead". The fact that both movies feature zombies is a coincidence, I'm sure.
If you been around these parts since 2005, congratulations! And you also know of my love for "Snakes on a Plane". I fuckin' loved Snakes on a Plane! Just everything about it. So it doesn't come to a surprise that other movie studios would try to ge ton this bandwagon and do their own "something on a plane" formula. The Asylum already gave us "Snakes on a Train" but this needs to be on a plane cause really, you COULD stop a train and just simply get off. But a plane? Fuck that, you're screwed. I guess the only other better thing would be on a ship in the middle of the ocean.
Anyway.
So here we pretty much have "zombies on a plane", which would've made for a cool alternate title. And the plot pretty much starts right up at the beginning. Three scientist dudes are transporting the body of a fourth scientist chick who's either dead and/or dying and she's the carrier of some experimental medicine or something that'll bring the living back from the dead.
I could stop right there cause you can pretty much fill out the rest of the movie in your head. Yeah, you don't need me anymore. In fact, I'll close up shop right here and now. I'm done. Review you're own bad movies! Yeah!!!
Nevermind, I forgot I own this for 89 years, or 700,000 miles, whichever comes first. I guess you're stuck with me.
Well, before we get to the zombification (Made up word that'll appear in the 2011 dictionary, I guarentee it!), we have to go through EVERY FUCKING CLICHE KNOWN TO MANDKIND! Let's count the ways:
-Pilot who is flying on his last flight because he's about to retire.
-Slutty stewardess
-An asshole but this movie gave us a bonus asshole! Awesome! (Techically, one of the scientist dudes was an asshole as well so we're in asshole overload here)
-Flight is happening during 2,000 thunderstorms that appear to be happening all next to each other.
-A nun
-A cop? Bounty Hunter? FBI agent? guy transporting a criminal
-The non-slutty stewardess that's gonna clearly hook up with the main guy
-A celebrity who's trying to lay low but his jealous wife is a bitch
-And finally, sing along with me!! (To the tune of "Neverending Story Theme Song") NEVER-ENDING BULL-LETS!! AHH AHH AH! AHH AHH AH! AHH AHH AH!!!
So we dive into all these back stories for about 30 minutes (Asshole dude is cheating on his girlfriend with other asshole dude's girlfriend while second asshole girlfriend is a bitch and doesn't like the first girl, we don't know what the convict did until way later) then the zombification begins.
During one of the billion thunderstorms that's gonna happen in this movie (they apparently never go away over this obscure country they're flying over) they experience bad turbulance, knocking the thing transporting scientist chick carrying the zombie juice inside her. She wakes up and some dude in an "Outbreak" outfit just randomly kills her. Who was the dude? Why did he just kill her? Who knows. But she doesn't stay dead and she eats outbreak dude.
Some more unneeded backstory (asshole and other girlfriend like to boink...A LOT, convict manages to escape and hides out somewhere) until the co-pilot goes and finds out why they have no communication (Outbreak dude shot the box up while killing scientist chick for no reason) and he takes along two scientist dudes to check out the cargo. There, they find scientist chick all zombified (another new word, but this will take until 2012 to be put in a dictionary) and she begins munching on the two scientist dudes.
The co-pilot returns, screaming about having to land but "Two Minutes From Retiring" Pilot says "Fuck no!" and continues flying. Then the cool shit FINALLY begins. After 45 minutes.
The FBI/Bounty Hunter/Whatever He Is Guy and the secret Air Marshall go down to the cargo to look for the convict and there they find zombies. The Marshall shoots, which causes a bullet to fly upwards, through the floor, and kill a stewardess. It was a pretty awesome scene. It was pretty much like that Korn video.
The dead stewardess falls on cheating girlfriend and asshole and cheating girlfriend runs to the bathroom to throw up. There, I thought a zombie was gonna come through a toilet. Imagine how cool that would've been if a zombie came up through the toilet. But no, it comes through the mirror, munching on cheating girlfriend.
During the chaos, all the stewardess keep saying "GET BACK TO YOUR SEATS!" like that's gonna happen. People are getting fuckin' eaten to death and you want me to just sit in my seat. Fuck you, lady, I wanna see!
Anyway, all the munched on become zombies and they pretty much attack everyone on board save for:
-Whatever Agent
-Air Marshall
-Convict
-Non-Slutty Stewardess
-Golfer
-Golfer's Wife
-Fourth Scientist who's actually an asshole.
The co-pilot returns to the cockpit bitten and he in turns bites the pilot. Awww, minutes away. Just once I'd like to see someone say "I am now retired" THEN getting killed.
The Asshole Scientist claims he did nothing wrong but he falls through the zombie hole (The hole the bullet came out of the Korn Video scene got turned into a bigger hole the zombies made to grab people and eat them. It's pretty awesome.) and gets munched on.
Knowing that the pilot is dead and that the United States is going to shoot down the plane, they have to let the Air Force know there are still some alive people, but the radio is still down. So if they get the plane out of auto pilot and fly it like crazy, surely the air force will go "Oh they're still alive and crazy flying doesn't mean a fucking zombie is at the wheel, carry on!"
And out of the group I listed above, guess who can fly a plane? Well, Asshole Scientist is a zombie so he's out. The golfer's wife got bitten by slutty stewardess (That's TWO types of diseases now) so he's gonna sacrifice himself by opening the exit door and sucking out all the zombies (Cause they'll die when they fall. Of course) and wife comes along for the ride. So give up?
It's the convict! He's arrested for stealing some mob guy's plane! Yep. This movie's subplot's is confusing as fuck. And plus where were they flying from? And flying to? Cause I thought I heard France. But the US Air Force got involved. And for whatever reason, Canada tried calling the plane to tell them they can't land. So...where? Explain, movie! Explain! (Inside TGWTG joke)
So they get through the plane full of zombies, get to the cockpit and the air force is about to shoot down the plane when the convict turns off the auto pilot and flies all crazy like. The air force goes "Oh. Nevermind" and clearly just goes home cause they're never seen again.
The convinct lands on a mountain and the remaing people (Agent, Marshall, Stewardess and Convict) walk away into the sunse-er, sunrise. But guess what! The airborne zombies land and...are not dead! Well...they're dead. I mean...not dead undead. I mean-
Fuck it, they're still walking around. Even asshole scientist guy is undead/alive/whatever and they follow the plane survivors to whatever random town is there and cue ending! Seriously, where the fuck did the air force go? They didn't follow the plane to it's crash landing? They didn't send help? What the fuck? Jesus!
Despite that, this movie was entertaining to watch when shit finally happened. This movie really stars no one famous (the asshole scientist guy looked familar but I don't know) and the acting is horrible but it's still a fun watch. It's one of those "watch with other people" movies. Or at least pair it up with the original classic "Monday through Friday" Snakes on a Plane!
Read Nolahn's take of "Flight of the Living Dead".
-Jason
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