Tuesday, December 13, 2011

The Soto List: Really?! Edition

I don't normally do mainstream stuff here but I do watch a fair amount of mainstream stuff in my "off" time. But 2011 seemed to be a lackluster year for movies, even for me. There's been a shitload of movies that I looked at the trailer and said "Yeah...not even I would touch that". "Jack and Jill" immediately come to mind. (Can't wait to read Nick's awesome DVD review of THAT!)

Along with the stuff I've seen and all the crap, are movies that I saw and went "well that looks stupid/lame/not very good" and then all of a sudden, people start losing their shit over it! And I sit back and go "really?! THAT'S good?! Are you sure?" cause I'm convinced it's one big conspiracy to trick me to watch horrible movies that I wouldn't normally watch. What movies am I talking about?

5. Transformer 3: Something Something Dark Side of The Moon
The first two movies are the biggest pieces of shit movies that I've ever seen. Part 2 the worst. So when the trailer for part 3 came out, I rolled my eyes, said a loud "ugh" and went home and urinated on my voodoo doll of Michael Bay. Then the movie came out and people were like "DUDE! This movie...is actually good!" It's got a 6.4 out of 10 on IMDb (this is why I don't use Rotten Tomatoes for stuff like this, part 3 has 35%, part 1 has 50%, but part 2 has 24%. I don't...whatever.) and all my online friends, who I NORMALLY listen to, said "no really, it's not that bad." I'm sorry, I refuse to believe that. And I was planning on skipping the third one because the first two fucking suck royal cock AND because it doesn't have Megan Fox, the only reason I barely tolerated the first two to begin with. But, because of YOU GUYS, I will have to give this a watch. But my expectations are low!

4. Rise of The Planets of The Apes
I saw the trailer for this and said "that looks fucking stupid" and "why was this made?" I mean do people REALLY care how the apes took over? Isn't it enough the apes took over eventually? And wouldn't this just mean the first hour and 20 minutes is just people says "oh apes will never take over the world" and the last 10 minutes going "oh shit they totally CAN take over the world. My bad." But then the movie came out and everybody wouldn't shut up about it. The funny thing is, people were surprised. I refuse to believe this movie is really as good as everyone makes it out to be.

3. Drive
I was like "this looks like a boring remake of 'The Transporter' and...fucking Ryan Gosling? He's not an action guy? The hell? Fuck this movie." Then it came out and, holy fucking hell jesus christ I'm out of motherfucking curse words because everybody wouldn't shut the fuck up about this movie. I watched the trailer again and said "well, maybe there's more in the movie than the trailer is letting on" which is a good thing. But the trailer didn't make me want to watch it. It looked boring as fuck. And Ryan Gosling? I mean....FUCKING RYAN GOSLING?!?

2. Crazy Stupid Love
This is a famous argument I got into on The LAMBcast some months ago. We had to watch this trailer and talk about it. I watched it and said "eh, I don't do romantic dramas" and everybody said "WHAT?! It's a comedy!!! It's "40-Year-Old Virgin"! What do you mean "romantic drama"?! Convinced I watched the wrong trailer again, I said "Um, the one with Steve Carrell? He's divorced? He's trying to get back into the dating scene?" Yes, THAT movie. Ok...where the fuck is the comedy in that? How is that ANYTHING like "40-Year-Old Virgin"? Seriously, I think everybody is just fucking with me at this point. I still refuse to watch this because, again, I DON'T DO ROMANTIC DRAMAS! AND it's got Ryan Gosling in it. Case closed.

1. Fast Five
NO! NO! NO! NO! NO! I FUCKING REFUSE TO BELIEVE THIS MOVIE IS GOOD!!! The first movie FUCKING BLOWS! There shouldn't have been a sequel, let alone GOD DAMN FOUR of them, AND it's the 5th one in the series that people love?! The fuck kind of sense does that make!! NO! I'm sorry, everybody. You HAVE to be wrong about this. There is NO FUCKING WAY this is good. Fuck THAT shit!

So there you have it. Those are my 5 movies from 2011 that I can't believe people like. I'm sure there's some more smaller ones but these were the ones that sprung to mind. And if you took offense to anything on this list, well, sorry pal. You're gonna have to convince me otherwise.


Nick said...

I've seen all the movies on this list except Drive.

Transformers 3 sucked, and I don't think there were a lot of people who said otherwise. There were a lot who said it was better than the second, which is true. But that's about it.

Apes was just better than everybody expected. It was pretty good. Not great, but pretty good.

Crazy Stupid Love is shockingly excellent. It's actually one of my favorites of the year, easily. And yes, Ryan Gosling is the best part.

Fast Five is also fantastic. There's a reason people are saying it's even better than the original. It's just a fuck ton of fun. It's a heist movie, but with cars... and it's done well!

Sorry, Jason... I can't go with you on some of these.

ohpitseleh said...

I saw none of these movies because they all looked really bad. I would rather watch "The Room" five times in a row than watch any of these films.

Dylan said...

You need new friends if they're convincing you to see Transformers 3. People are idiots for seeing it in the first place; them that saying that "it's better than the second one" is like saying that losing a finger is better than losing an arm. The second one is intolerable and long as shit; the third couldn't not be better. Still, I ain't giving in to curiosity again.

Never saw ROTPOTA; from all I've heard, it is exactly what I thought it was (from what I glean from the trailer, in other words). Which isn't to say it's bad, but there are zero surprises in store for me. I'll watch it eventually, and it's probably well-made, but still totally unnecessary.

You probably wouldn't like Drive; I probably wouldn't recommend it to you. Yes, arthouse Transporter with some of the old ultraviolence thrown in to spice it up. But it's incredibly slow at times. I dug it overall. What's your deal with hating Gosling though?

Have you seeeeen 40YOV? It's about a loser that gets help from his friends (dating advice, cleaned up, etc.) in the interest of his sex life. CSL features the exact same thing for much of it. That's not all that it's about, but you ought to get the idea. Sure, it's got drama, but it's also a comedy. I believe they call them "romantic comedies." Which 40YOV was, too. And what's the deal with hating Gosling?

Fast Five is still the only one in the series I've seen. It's fun action that almost could belong in the 80s. Weird that you of all people (COBRA!!!) is so vehemently against it. Is Ryan Gosling in it and I missed him?

Jason Soto said...

Dylan: Yes, I've seen "40-Year-Old Virgin". Several times. It's a comedy. About a guy trying to get laid. I hardly find that romantic. :P
And I don't hate Ryan Gosling, I've only seen 1 movie he was in, and I forget the name of it. The one with him and Anthony Hopkins. Anyway, he doesn't really belong in an action movie and is more suited for romantic dramas. That was my point when I bought him up in "Stupid Crazy Love".
And it seems like people were saying "Transformers 3" was "the best" which is surprising. I guess having it "the best" out of a trilogy that sucks isn't much but still.

JoelB said...

Where does the hate for the fast and furious spring from???? I don't get it... Were you force fed car chase movies as a kid or something.

You may have issues with the first one but number five is awesome in so many ways and its way different than number one.

I'd rank the fast and furious films like this:

1. The Fast and the Furious
2. Fast Five
3. Tokyo Drift
4. 2 Fast to Furious
5. Fast and Furious

Jason Soto said...

Joel: Here's why I don't like "Fast and the Furious". I hate Vin Diesel. With a passion. He's stupid and annoying and I would love to punch him but he does out weigh me in muscles so I'll let that slide. And this movie was so fucking loud and annoying with the editing and the zoom ins and the horrible car CGI and whatever plot there was and just...everything about it annoyed me. Then I get MORE annoyed when I find out there's five motherfuckin' sequels. It's just...ugh!