Today is my motherfucking birthday!! So to celebrate, I thought I'd go to wikipedia and look up all the movies that came out the year of my birth and compile a list of my favorites! That should be easy, right?
Airplane! and The Blues Brothers-1980 was a good year for comedy it seems.
Cannibal Holocaust-I feel weird putting this on a list of "favorites" but it's an interesting watch and I think it needs to be seen at least once just purely for the history of the film.
The Changeling-Great atmospheric film with George C. Scott. You will need patience with it though.
The Fog-I've only seen this once, after not sleeping for 18 hours and through a hangover, and I liked it. I will have to watch it again with a clear head.
Friday the 13th-Duh.
The Pumaman-Yes! This movie is so awful that it's hilarious. Best MST3K episode in my opinion.
The Shining-This movie seems older than 1980, but that's probably cause they spent 20 years filming the damn thing. OH! Speaking of...
Empire Strikes Back-How awesome for the world that not only was I born but this movie came out the same year? Crazy, huh?
Stir Crazy-Often under looked comedic gem from Gene Wilder and Richard Pryor. If you haven't seen it yet, you should. NOW!
Superman 2-Easily the best Superman movie ever! KNEEL BEFORE ZOD!
Used Cars-Another underrated comedy starring Kurt Russell as a used car salesman. There's a crazy plot which is hard to describe, just do yourself a favor and check it out.
Finally, just for shits and gigs, here's a group of people the same age as me:
Zooey Deschanel
Christina Ricci
Kristen Bell
Macaulay Culkin
Michelle Williams
Jake Gyllenhaal
Anna Chlumsky
I normally don't watch musicals cause they're all pretty much the same. Guy. Girl. Love. Singing. The end. Sometimes, some movies decide to make a "far out there" musical, or just add a song out of nowhere for whatever reason. I wouldn't call these songs "Great" but they're probably the better part of the movie they were in. Here's my List of 10 Musical Performances From B/Bad Movies I've Seen!
10. Stunt Rock
From this year's B-Fest, the movie "Stunt Rock" delivered on it's title: there were stunts and there was rock and that's all there was! The rock was performed by this band called Sorcery and they had some catchy songs. The one I wanted to use, "Woman", I can't find on Youtube so you're getting this one instead. It gives you an idea on what they're all about.
9. Xanadu
When I first seen this movie, I couldn't get this damn song out of my head. But where else are you gonna see Olivia Newton-John dance with Gene Kelly and trying to woo the leader of "The Warriors"? Only in "Xanadu" my friend.
8. Alice in Wonderland (1976)
This is a musical porno version of "Alice in Wonderland". Suddenly the Johnny Depp version isn't so bad now, huh? Anyway, all the songs sounded the same to me, so I linked to this one cause it features people dressed like cats, promising to lick Alice dry. I...don't know. The '70s was a weird time.
7. Cool As Ice
This entire clip basically tells you the entire story of the movie. There's Vanilla Ice in that fucking weird ass outfit, trying to woo a girl who looks like my friend's ex-girlfriend, and all the "normal straight laced people" in town don't approve of such things like rap and dancing in public! Shock and awe! Vanilla Ice is in a town full of Republicans!
6. Rock n Roll Nightmare
Oh my god, "Rock n Roll Nightmare". I think I legitimately like this song. I think everyone should see this movie at least once. It's that amazing!
5. Hard Rock Zombies
So a band comes to some small town. They don't like rock music. At all. So naturally, the band is going to run around and make asses out of themselves. And I love that this song is simply called "Na Na Na". I guess "Doo Doo Dee Doo" was taken.
4. Forbidden Zone
(WARNING: VIDEOS BELOW ARE NOT SAFE FOR WORK! GET BACK TO WORK YOU SLACKER!)
This is a double shot cause this movie is SOOOOOOOOOO FUUUUCKINGGGGG WEEEEEIRD that you HAD to see for yourself. And I had to include Danny Elfman as Satan. I just had to, man!
3. New Years Evil
When I reviewed this movie in December, I found out I was the only one that thought this song was fun. I think people thought I took it seriously. You can't take this song seriously. It's good cheesy '80s hair metal, just like everything else I linked in this post. Enjoy!
2. Sgt. Pepper's Lonely Heart Club Band
You WILL believe that George Burns sang a Beatles song that may or may not be about heroin use. YOU WILL BELIEVE!
1. The Star Wars Holiday Special
Y'know, despite it being Bea Arthur singing, it's really not that bad. Of course, this song is about an hour into the "Special" and your mind is more or less fucking gone by this point, but still, it's not a bad song. I think Bea did a great job with what she had. RIP Bea.
And that's it. These weren't the best or the top or anything, just some of my favorites, mixed in with some I couldn't believe when I saw. Feel free to form your own opinion!
-Jason
So 2011 is about to shut it's door on us and has we move on to the year that'll probably bring the end of the world, I thought this would be a good time to reflect on the year gone by. Sure, why not?
10. I Won My Third LAMMY-If this is the first post you've ever read of mine, The LAMMY's is an award the LAMB (Large Association of Movie Blogs) gives out every year to all it's members. Every year since I been a member I been nominated for "Best Horror/Sci Fi" blog and out of those four years, I won three times. I've been nominated for "Funniest Writer" once or twice but lost to people funnier than me. But this year, I racked up my 3rd win for Best Horror/Sci-Fi and I couldn't have been happier. Next year, I think I'd like to win Best Podcast for The Lair. That'd be awesome! Speaking of The Lair...
9. The Lair of the Unwanted Has Gotten More Awesome By The Episode-I'll be the first to admit the first season of The Lair was shaky at best. The sound was fucking terrible, I have no idea what the fuck I was doing, and I didn't know Nolahn very well so I'm sure the chemistry wasn't there. Now, as it wrapped up Season Two, I think we're firing on all cylinders. Me and Nolahn couldn't be better friends, I figured out how to fix the sound, and I sorta kinda know what I'm doing. And we've had some awesome guests come through. But watch out! Next year, baby!
8. My New Feature-About 10 weeks ago, I started a new feature called "The Netflix Corner" where I spotlight a movie that's on Netflix Instant Watch and then play a game where I give a Netflix-like description about a movie and people have to guess what it is. And in the years past, I've started many reoccurring features that never seem to pan out but this one, man, people took a liking to it. And I'm glad, cause I have fun with it.
6. I've Met Some New Friends-Thing about naming names is you're most likely bound to forget somebody. I've met a bunch of people this year through podcasts, Twitter, Facebook, and writing for MILF. Oh yeah, speaking of...
5. I Got To Write For Another Website-Earlier this year, Dylan and Kai shocked the blogasphere by announcing they were quitting their perspective blogs, joining forces, and starting a new site together! That ended up being Man, I Love Films. And in the days before they launched, they came up to me and said "We need someone to write awesome horror movie reviews" and when the person they had in mind couldn't do it, they asked if I could do it instead. I jumped in with both feet and I've been grateful ever since. I'm still nervous that I'm gonna fuck something up but it's been a lot of fun. Plus I get to write about GOOD horror movies from time to time. Oh and, uh, you should probably check out the other stuff posted at MILF. I guess.
4. All The Awesome Movies I Watched This Year-Whenever you get to review some of the worst movies that's ever existed, you tend to come across some...less than stellar films. But often among the turds, you'll find a shining diamond. For example, this year I got to watch a movie called "Truth or Dare? A Critical Madness" with some friends and it was seriously the best experience ever. Then I got to introduce "The Room" to someone and it was just great seeing her reaction to it and now she's obsessed with it. I'll say my work here is done.
3. This Awesome Comment Adam Left-As linked aboved, I wrote a post about how I could've prevented Shia LaBeouf from ever happening and about my journey into Project Greenlight. Adam, who sometimes write reviews here, left this awesome comment and I'm gonna post the whole thing here now:
Ugh. I remember Project Greenlight. I had 2 friends; one who swore that he was the next big Hollywood director and another who thought he was a brilliant writer. They wrote a script, which I won't write the title of here because these fuckers probably still google it once a week because they thought it was sooooo awesome they wouldn't shut up about it for 5 years after it was over. For all I know, they're still trying to secure funding for this shit.
Before they submitted their script, they had me read it and give them feedback. My payment for this service was a pack of cigarettes.
Anyway, their script was a ridiculously pretentious vampire "art" movie that had no action, was impossible to follow, and seemed to focus on some asshole vampire (who was too deep for his own good), brooding over whether or not he should turn a particular child into a vampire while sitting on freeway overpasses being sullen. His mother and girlfriend were also vampires and his mother told long, boring stories in a 24 hour coffee shop (this monstrosity was actually written at The Steer) that were supposed to be profound but were just painful to read. (Keep in mind that these assholes began writing this in the late 90's, when an idea this stupid wasn't actually too far off from the shitty vampire movies of our late high school years).
All I know is when I told them the dialogue sucked and that their was no action and nothing at all to draw anybody into the movie, they, of course, told me I just didn't understand their creative genius.
My favorite part of their criticism of my criticism was when the "director" told me that I just didn't understand film noir. Perplexed, I asked if this was some sort of stylized crime drama set in the 40's or 50's, or maybe supposed to be in that style and I just wasn't reading that in their script. He looked at me like I was retarded and said no. He had no idea what film noir was! Not that I have a firm background in it to this day, but you shouldn't throw around names of sub-genres if you are just guessing what they mean by taking French for a semester freshman year. (BTW, this asshole once put you in a lead role in a high school play).
Anyway, from what I remember, they both read the other scripts and gave them low ratings even though there was some supposedly awesome zombie comedy in there that blew their fucking minds. They didn't want to give it a high grade because they didn't want the competition. As you can imagine, their FUCKING AWFUL script got shitty reviews. But, obviously, the people reading it didn't know a thing about film noir.
Then I said it sounded worse than "Twilight" and he responded back with:
From what I can tell, the main difference between Twilight and their vampire movie is that Twilight has a plot and characters. It might be a shitty story with terrible characters, but still. Their movie had virtually no plot. I don't even think the characters had names; like the main guy was VAMPIRE and his mom was MOTHER and the child was THE CHILD. And seriously, virtually nothing happened. I can't stress this point enough. No vampire attacks. No group of intrepid teens hunting the vampires. All the conflict was internal and it wasn't resolved. It was just the main character sitting alone and being morose about his sad existence of sitting alone and being morose. I cannot stress how much I hated this "story."
2. The Awesome Episode of The LAMBcast I Hosted-Also known as "THE BEST EPISODE OF THE LAMBCAST EVER!!" Sometime in August, Dylan said he was too sick or tired or something to host a couple of episodes so I stepped in to host one episode and I decided to do a favorite of mine: Roll Your Own Top 5! And I took this opportunity to bring in Nolahn for this first ever LAMBcast experience. Add James, Tom Clift, and that Sam guy who'll never read this and you have yourself an awesome episode. Seriously, check it out here!
1. All My Readers-Sometimes it feels like I'm not super popular or get a lot of hits. I don't get much feedback and sometimes when I put a poll up, I have to beg people to participate in it. But in the long run, I am grateful to you guys who do take the time out to read it and I should be lucky to even have one person reading all this shit I write. So to you guys, I say thank you very much and of course Happy New Year!
-Jason
I don't normally do mainstream stuff here but I do watch a fair amount of mainstream stuff in my "off" time. But 2011 seemed to be a lackluster year for movies, even for me. There's been a shitload of movies that I looked at the trailer and said "Yeah...not even I would touch that". "Jack and Jill" immediately come to mind. (Can't wait to read Nick's awesome DVD review of THAT!)
Along with the stuff I've seen and all the crap, are movies that I saw and went "well that looks stupid/lame/not very good" and then all of a sudden, people start losing their shit over it! And I sit back and go "really?! THAT'S good?! Are you sure?" cause I'm convinced it's one big conspiracy to trick me to watch horrible movies that I wouldn't normally watch. What movies am I talking about?
5. Transformer 3: Something Something Dark Side of The Moon The first two movies are the biggest pieces of shit movies that I've ever seen. Part 2 the worst. So when the trailer for part 3 came out, I rolled my eyes, said a loud "ugh" and went home and urinated on my voodoo doll of Michael Bay. Then the movie came out and people were like "DUDE! This movie...is actually good!" It's got a 6.4 out of 10 on IMDb (this is why I don't use Rotten Tomatoes for stuff like this, part 3 has 35%, part 1 has 50%, but part 2 has 24%. I don't...whatever.) and all my online friends, who I NORMALLY listen to, said "no really, it's not that bad." I'm sorry, I refuse to believe that. And I was planning on skipping the third one because the first two fucking suck royal cock AND because it doesn't have Megan Fox, the only reason I barely tolerated the first two to begin with. But, because of YOU GUYS, I will have to give this a watch. But my expectations are low!
4. Rise of The Planets of The Apes I saw the trailer for this and said "that looks fucking stupid" and "why was this made?" I mean do people REALLY care how the apes took over? Isn't it enough the apes took over eventually? And wouldn't this just mean the first hour and 20 minutes is just people says "oh apes will never take over the world" and the last 10 minutes going "oh shit they totally CAN take over the world. My bad." But then the movie came out and everybody wouldn't shut up about it. The funny thing is, people were surprised. I refuse to believe this movie is really as good as everyone makes it out to be.
3. Drive I was like "this looks like a boring remake of 'The Transporter' and...fucking Ryan Gosling? He's not an action guy? The hell? Fuck this movie." Then it came out and, holy fucking hell jesus christ I'm out of motherfucking curse words because everybody wouldn't shut the fuck up about this movie. I watched the trailer again and said "well, maybe there's more in the movie than the trailer is letting on" which is a good thing. But the trailer didn't make me want to watch it. It looked boring as fuck. And Ryan Gosling? I mean....FUCKING RYAN GOSLING?!?
2. Crazy Stupid Love This is a famous argument I got into on The LAMBcast some months ago. We had to watch this trailer and talk about it. I watched it and said "eh, I don't do romantic dramas" and everybody said "WHAT?! It's a comedy!!! It's "40-Year-Old Virgin"! What do you mean "romantic drama"?! Convinced I watched the wrong trailer again, I said "Um, the one with Steve Carrell? He's divorced? He's trying to get back into the dating scene?" Yes, THAT movie. Ok...where the fuck is the comedy in that? How is that ANYTHING like "40-Year-Old Virgin"? Seriously, I think everybody is just fucking with me at this point. I still refuse to watch this because, again, I DON'T DO ROMANTIC DRAMAS! AND it's got Ryan Gosling in it. Case closed.
1. Fast Five NO! NO! NO! NO! NO! I FUCKING REFUSE TO BELIEVE THIS MOVIE IS GOOD!!! The first movie FUCKING BLOWS! There shouldn't have been a sequel, let alone GOD DAMN FOUR of them, AND it's the 5th one in the series that people love?! The fuck kind of sense does that make!! NO! I'm sorry, everybody. You HAVE to be wrong about this. There is NO FUCKING WAY this is good. Fuck THAT shit!
So there you have it. Those are my 5 movies from 2011 that I can't believe people like. I'm sure there's some more smaller ones but these were the ones that sprung to mind. And if you took offense to anything on this list, well, sorry pal. You're gonna have to convince me otherwise. -Jason
Music videos aren't really 100% scary. It's kinda hard to set up something scary in 3 minutes. But some videos do try their best to make them so weird they're memorable. Before you start the list, just know that I don't think these are really scary, I'm just counting down different or strange music videos that has some horror elements to it. With that said...
10. Miles Fisher-This Must Be The Place
Start off kinda light. I just like this video because of what it parodies.
9. Korn-A.D.I.D.A.S
Again, still kinda light. Korn as zombies? Fuck yeah.
8. Robbie Williams-Rock DJ
This is just...weird.
7. Soundgarden-Black Hole Sun
When this video first came out, it freaked me the fuck out. Now, it's not too bad but still really fucking weird.
6. Marilyn Manson-Sweet Dreams (Are Made of These)
This Marilyn Manson video probably has the most creepy images. And keep this in mind: all the people you see in the video are guys.
5. Tool-Stinkfist
There's a lot of Tool videos I could've put here, but this one struck me as the weirdest. Well this and "Prison Sex".
4. Bush-Greedy Fly
Under the "what the fuck was that about?" category, I remember when this video debuted back in 1997. Considering all of Bush's videos were just them playing while lights flickered, this was such a departure.
3. Nine Inch Nails-Pinion
If you never seen it, the ending throws you for a loop. Possibly the shortest music video I could find.
2. Apex Twin-Come To Daddy
I was gonna put "Window Licker" but kids is more creepier than a guys face on a hot chick's body. If you really want a good scare, look up Chris Cunningham's 6 minute film "Rubber Johnny". It's REALLY fucking weird.
So the other day I gave you six awesome movies to watch if you're throwing a Halloween party and kids will be present. The last option on that list was for when the kids are gone. But now let's say you clearly imply you don't want kids there. Maybe you want to get sloppy drunk. Maybe you want to get stripper zombies. Maybe there's gonna be copious amounts of drugs around. Whatever, there are NO KIDS here. And you want to show six awesomely weird, fucked up horror movies.
1. So since this is an adults only party, things are gonna start a bit later. Probably around 7 or 8. You been drinking since maybe 11 that morning. You want to start the night off right but not freak anybody out quite yet. What do you start with?
Many people slam the ending, which I can understand cause if you apply it to the rest of the film, it makes no fucking sense. But there's gonna be some people who never seen this movie and they'll be hooked early on. I say just enjoy it for what it is: an awesome horror movie. That starts off with a chick masturbating. To her female friend. Yep.
2. Someone says to you "I want to see some WEIRD shit" or "Jason, you keep bragging that you have some fucking weird movies. I want to see one now!" You (if your name is Jason) say "Ok, you asked for it." And then you put on:
(AGAIN NOT SAFE FOR WORK! GET BACK TO WORK YOU LOAD!) I don't have words.
3. Now that you showed them what's what, people either want to leave or want something a bit...lighter. It's probably almost midnight at this point, the cocaine just now kicked in, and you saunter up to your awesome DVD collection. After running your fingers across the DVD's you stop at:
This movie is fucking amazing. Again, a perfect midnight movie to watch at a Halloween party with a bunch of drunk coked up adults. It'll take their minds off "Bloodsucking Freaks" and when it's over, they'll be in good spirits again.
4. Then one of them, probably a female, talks about wanting a kid. I blame the booze, but whatever. You go "you want kids, huh?" So you show her this.
Sorry for all the French stuff. Yeah, you'll have to read subtitles but it'll be worth it. In case you don't know or didn't figure it out, "Inside" is about a pregnant chick who gets terrorized by a crazy bitch who wants to cut out the fetus and keep it. Yeah.
5. "YOU KNOW WHAT'S A FUCKED UP MOVIE?!" you scream for no reason, scaring everyone. They look at you kinda weird, especially since you keep chuckling to yourself. "This movie. It's almost 3AM. I can't think of a better time to watch..."
FEED HER!! FEED HER!!
6. The sun is almost up. People want to leave but you deadbolted the door, do one more line of coke, and go "NO! ONE MORE! Then you shall leave! HAHAHAHAHAHA!!!" You should look into where you got this coke. So what's the perfect movie to cap off this awesome night of fucked up terror?
I KICK ASS FOR THE LORD!
It's about 8 AM, some people have fallen asleep, others snuck out. You are in and out of consciousness. And before you truly pass out for 18 hours, you think to yourself "I had a kickass party. Boobs." -Jason
Some people say "You're the best horror expert ever!" and while I try to remain humble and say thanks, I realize they were talking to someone else behind me and I just got in the way. But I still like to think I know a LITTLE something about horror movies and think I could pick out, say, 6 or 8 horror movies for an awesome scary movie festival at my house.
But here's a catch: Now that I'm in the 30's, I know a lot of people with kids. And as tempting as it is to put in the Facebook Invite (Welcome to the 21st century) NO FUCKING KIDS, most likely they'll bring them along to show off their cute Halloween costumes, which is either gonna be a pumpkin or something not scary at all like a pink bunny.
I can just hear all my female readers go "AWWW!"
Anyway, I need to be smart and pick some good scary movies but with the mindset of kids being around. Let's go!
1. So let's say I want to start the party at around 1PM cause we're gonna be watching a shit-ton of movies. It's early in the afternoon, the food is still cooking/hasn't arrived yet (30 minutes or less my ass) and people isn't interested in hearing my story of meeting Tommy Wiseau again for the 20th time. What do I do?! I pop in:
You got kids, monsters everyone knows, and the movie doesn't nessessarily pander to kids or adults. It's the perfect "family" film, as it were.
2. Ok, now it's around 3 or 4 in the afternoon. If you're doing this on Halloween (or the day your city says it's ok for kids to go trick-or-treating, like the Saturday before) most likely the parents will go take their kids out, or the kids will just roam around themselves. Yeah, they'll be fine. There's no creepy people in my neighborhood...except that guy who lives in that house by himself at the end of the block. He never seems to cut his grass...anyway. Now it's just adults for a little bit, we got two hours but you wanna save the good scary stuff for later at night. What now? I recommend:
Ok, you got the bit of nudity at the end (both male and female) which is why this is the perfect movie to put on while the house is kid-free. Plus, this movie is a must-A MUST-for any good horror movie fest.
3. Now it's around 6 or 7. The kids-or some of them-are back and now they're concerned with the candy. While the parents are checking the candy for anything harmful like razor blades, poison, or candy corn, you all need to watch something together, but the kids are amped up at this point. So let's go with something a bit classic, shall we? How about:
It's kid friendly ENOUGH but still pretty good and the kids will probably find it scary. Plus when the scenes where zombies aren't present, they can focus on opening their candy.
4. Now the kids are all wired on candy and running around. It's nothing but high energy craziness! You need something where you don't have to focus too much on plot and maybe matches the same amount of craziness. Let's go with:
I didn't go with the first one cause it's probably too scary. The second one does have scary moments but it's campy enough to watch with a room full of screaming kids running around, beating each other up with pillows or whatever it is kids do nowadays (probably just run around texting each other on Twitter or some such thing. BAH!)
5. It's close to midnight! The kids have crashed from all the sugar and are sleeping in the other room. Some other people either left cause of all the screaming kids, or the parents are concerned their kids haven't returned yet. So now it's just you and your TRUE horror loving friends left. It's time to get into the shit. And that's when I pull out this movie. I'm going with this cause it looks fucking awesome and it's something not ordinary like "Halloween" or "The Exorcist". And if you come to MY house, you expect to watch at least one cheesy movie. And that movie is:
(I love that this trailer is nothing but the same note of music being played over and over again.) Again, I haven't seen this movie yet but I hear it's awesomely bad. I really can't wait to watch it.
6. Ok it's probably around 1 or 2 in the morning. I'm not tired, I got a few people left. All the parents have left with their kids so we can pretty much watch anything. Since we have one movie left in us, I go to my awesome movie collection and pick out:
(FYI THE TRAILER IS NOT SAFE FOR WORK. WHY ARE YOU READING MY SHIT AT WORK ANYWAY?!)
As you can see, there's A LOT of tits and overall nudity in this movie. And this movie is laughably bad. It's a good midnight/after midnight movie to watch cause of the nudity and the horrible zombies. I do recommend this movie if you're able to watch a zombie movie that doesn't take itself serious.
And so that's it. There were a bunch others I had in mind but I couldn't really fit them anywhere. I'll probably do another post sometime this week where it is ADULTS ONLY. That should be fun. -Jason
This being the month of Halloween, I thought it'd be fun to give you guys a run down of the Top Ten Horror Movies I Want To See In The Next Year. Just to let you know, some of these titles will probably show up as a review of some sort, so think of this as a preview of the next year.
10. Blood Night: The Legend of Mary Hatchet
As long as it isn't MOLLY Hatchet! The movie features Danielle Harris, who has been in every horror film since the '80s and been in stuff you wouldn't believe. And she's hot. So there's that.
9. Chopping Mall
This was featured on one of my favorite podcasts Outside The Cinema. I've heard of it before but after watching that trailer, I can't wait to see it. It's about killer robots in a mall. How CAN it not be good?
8. Die-ner (Get It?)
Nick Jobe has been trying to get me to watch this movie since he seen it, I dunno, 20 years ago or something. I finally give up and I promise I will in the next year or so. Happy, Nick?
7. The House of The Devil
All my smart horror movie friends go on and on about this movie. I been a bit leary only cause I hear it's 80% set up, which I'm not a huge fan of. But I guess I'll have to break down and check it out. I do like how it looks like an '80s film, right down to the characters wearing those old Walkman's.
6. Return to Sleepaway Camp
I love the first movie, and I haven't seen the sequels yet. From what I hear, this film isn't really related to the others so I could probably just jump ahead. The trailer makes the movie look entertaining enough and I had no idea Issac Hayes was in it. I swear I'll die if he said "Hello Children!"
5. Long Island Cannibal Massacre There is something resembling a trailer on Youtube, but it's 4 minutes long and I think it gives away the whole damn movie. Not that it matters, cause it looks fucking stupid and awful. But, that's what I do. I guess if anybody asked me what type of movies do I review, I'd direct them to this one. I'd normally be excited about watching this kind of awful movie, but after the debacle that was "Murder Weapon", I've learned to not get too excited and wait till I see the movie.
4. All The Boys Love Mandy Lane
I will find a way to watch this movie this year, if it kills me. KILLS ME!
3. Grave Encounters
ANOTHER found footage movie? Yeah. But this one looks...(shudder).
2. Truth or Dare? A Critical Madness
Again, thanks to Outside The Cinema for exposing me to this one. When I heard their review, I immediately went on Amazon and bought a cheap VHS copy. I haven't watched it yet but I know when I do, it'll be a good time. And this is the best trailer I could find.
1. The Human Centipede 2
Why wouldn't it be my number 1? The plot is pretty interesting, and the black and white angle is different. Why not?
So that's it. Ten completely different horror films (sorta) that I can't wait to watch. What are YOU looking forward to seeing? -Jason
Apparently, there are all sorts of things that, right after they happen, isn't really nice to make fun of. An example I can think of is just yesterday, when it was revealed that Amy Winehouse died, I saw at least two jokes about "going to Rehab" or "I guess her house shouldn't have had wine" or whatever. But what about movies taking these tragedies and maybe being slightly dissrespectful? Here are some examples:
30 Minutes or Less The Movie: From what I got from the trailer, it's about a guy (Jesse Eisenberg) who's a pizza delievery guy and he ends up going to a house, kidnapped by some guys (Danny McBride and Nick Swordson) and they tell him he has to rob a bank or else they'll blow him up. Hilarity ensues.
The True Story: This really happened, except it wasn't funny. A real pizza delievery guy was kidnapped, then some hours later showed up at a bank, attempted to rob it, but was arrested by cops. When they discovered the bomb, they tried to get it off except...they didn't in time. Yeah...
Ok, I still plan on seeing the movie but when I first saw the trailer I said to myself "Really?" I'm still waiting for any pending lawsuits to appear.
Elephant The Movie: A super detailed look into the lives of a bunch of students at a school, which becomes the scene of a school shooting. I want to like this movie for a few things it had the balls to include, but I also find myself super bored with it.
The True Story: Columbine. I probably don't need to say anything more. I dunno if the real Columbine shooters had sex with each other prior to the shootings, which is just kind of an odd thing to include.
Remember Me The Movie: I...don't know. Robert Pattinson is in it. So is Claire from "Lost". There's a scene where they shower together. But why am I mentioning it?
The True Story: 9/11. Now, there are PLENTY of 9/11 related films, like Uwe Boll's "Postal". But I feel "Postal" was done on purpose to piss people off. This is really, really fucking retarded.
Ok so for real, I guess Edward there is in love with Claire and either they break up or thinking about breaking up. He's at work, thinking about shit. The day he's at work? September 11th, 2001. And he works in one of the Twin Towers. Oops. I mean, who would've guessed THAT would've happened in a movie like that! That's like watching "The Notebook" and finding out the ending takes place during Hurricane Katrina or something. It's just so out of place.
Paul McCartney Really Is Dead: The Last Testament of George Harrison The Movie: Ok, you ready for this shit? Paul McCartney has been dead FOR YEARS! The Paul McCartney we all know and love is a IMPERSONATOR! Set up by the British government! And the other Beatles went along with this! And John Lennon wanted to tell the world but couldn't, so he put in ALL SORTS of clues on every Beatles album. Whoa!
The True Story: George Harrison's death. Released sometime after his death, this doctumentary has the nerve to say that right before George Harrison died, he recorded a last will and testement stating that he's been carrying a secret for years and now he's gonna reveal the secret. The film plays the "real" recordings with the "real" George Harrison telling us how it was done.
Ok, this movie is so full of shit that as I was watching it, flies began covering my TV. The guy doing the voice of George Harrison was not believable, and all the stuff mentioned in this film is so fucking retarded I have to think this was all a joke. You want an example?
Ok so, Paul died in a car accident sometime in the '60's. He was giving a ride to some girl when he died. The girl survived, but was sequestered by the British government and forced into hiding. She lost a leg in the accident. YEARS later, the girl wanted to reconnect with the guy who is now "playing" Paul. Her name? Heather Mills. I am not fucking with you, they mention that in this movie. I'm not the biggest die hard Beatles fan in the world, but I felt insulted by this movie.
Ok, I can't think of anything that'll top that, so I'll stop there for now. I'm sure there are more, and there's going to be more (how about Godzilla caused the Tsumani and Earthquake in Japan??). Some people, huh? -Jason
Now that I'm a three-time award winning blogger/reviewer, and I've set myself up to review NOTHING but horror movies for the next year (I have to let you in on one exception which was put into motion a few months ago prior to the LAMMY's: There will be two Segal films that will be reviewed on The Site. But AFTER THOSE...look out!) and while thinking about what I'll be watching for the next year, I thought about some movies that either I've seen, or only heard about through trailers and other people, and told myself "I am never going to review that on The Blog/Site as long as I live" for various reasons.
So this list are those movies. These are the Top 5 Movies I Will Never Review on Invasion of the B Movies!
5. Anti-Christ
I'll admit I'm intreged by the title when I learned what the movie is about. But I dunno if I'm that curious. The trailer shows Willam Dafoe's naked ass and after watching Tommy Wiseau's ass being displayed, I keep my man ass down to a minimal. Then there's the shit I heard that happens in the third act and...yeah, probably not watching this anytime soon.
4. Begotten
Watch that, imagine an hour and 20 minutes of stuff like that, and tell me what the fuck I'm suppose to say? Exactly. And there was some audio but it was removed due to copyright? Really?
3. Vistor Q
The film that made me lose street cred to Nick. When I saw it, it was early in my website days, before I seen as many fucked up shit as I've seen now. And before "Martyrs". Back then, a movie about necrophilia, incest, and abuse towards your mother kinda fucked me up. Now, I'd probably just go "eh", like Nick did. But I don't really wanna watch it again.
2. I Spit On Your Grave
Yeah, I'm never watching this movie ever again. I don't care. I MIGHT check out the remake, but I get the feeling I'm gonna feel the same way. And yes, even after watching "Martyrs", I still find this disturbing.
1. Slaughtered Vomit Dolls
Imagine that, the trailer's not up on Youtube. Well, I'll tell you what's in store and if you're still curious, you can click the link to the official webpage that has the trailer. Ready?
Vomit gore. That's it. Oh, and it's made by the Church of Satan people. So keep those two things in mind. And when I say "vomit gore", the trailer shows people ACTUALLY vomitting, repeatedly, and at great lengths. I don't know what else to say, which is why I am never, in my fucking life, watching this movie.
If you feel the need, here's the site. Don't say I didn't warn you.
Now, I didn't put "Martyrs" on this list cause I reviewed it over at "Man, I Love Films" and I'm sure there are some others I'm forgetting. But these are the five that I thought of. I toyed with "Last House on the Left" but I was really young when I watched that, so maybe I'll give that one more shot. I doubt I'm gonna like it, but you never know. -Jason
If there's three things people know about me they are as follows: 1. I like saying "fuck" a lot. 2. I like boobs. A lot. 3. I'm a giant geek. (I guess 4 would be I'm a horrible speller and even horribler at grammar)
Despite my geekiness, there are some things that, I feel, are even geekier than the things I follow. What are those things? Well...
5. Sports. You love a movie, so fucking much. You go out, buy everything associate with that movie, you talk about that movie all the time, sometimes you invite friends over, have a party, and watch the movie. You're on the constant lookout for things about the movie and when people say horrible things about the movie you get angry and very passionate about it.
Now, replace the word "movie" in the above paragraph and insert the word "sports". To me, sports, especially fantasy sports, is like dungeons and dragons for jocks. And 95% of the people on my Facebook talk about sports all the god damn time, to the point where I say to myself, "Is this how people feel when I talk about 'The Room'?"
4. Comic Books/Graphic Novels. It's not that I don't like comic books, but it seems like the comic book world has two kinds of people: people who are REALLY fucking into it, and people who aren't. I recently discovered "Deadpool" and wanting to go back and read everything, I found out how difficult that is. So anytime I go to a comic book store (which isn't very often), I spot some random issues of "Deadpool" and just try to figure out what happened prior to that. Oddly enough, I enjoy movies based on comic books and graphic novels.
Sidenote: until the movie was released, I never heard of "Watchmen".
3. Star Trek. I like it just fine but learning a whole language based on a TV show is some form of geekiness I'll never understand. And honestly, why is the debate only over Kirk and Picard? Wasn't there other captains? What about that one chick on that one show? Does no one like her? And how does Worf fit into all this?
2. Anime. Oh my god people fucking love anime. Not just the Japanese either. I've seen "Pokemon" a few times, I dunno if that counts as anime. I tried watching this movie called "Ramma 1/2" or some shit and it was fucking weird, man! Like, some dude turned into a chick out of nowhere...I don't even know.
1. Anything Josh Wedon I thought about it, then looked it up, and I have never seen anything by this dude. I heard of all the shit he's done. But I never seen them. And this dude's fans are fucking out of their minds! You do or say something bad about him and they'll come to your house, set you and your family on fire, then say "FIREFLY SHOULDN'T HAVE BE CANCELLED, MAN!!!" Hey! Fox unfairly cancelled "Arrested Development" but you don't see me going on and on about it.
So there you have it. Proof that I'm not as geeky as everyone makes me out to be. See you on the dark side of the moon, K-9! -Jason
So there's a thing going around on all the other movie blogs where they're listing songs they'd put on a CD, the songs had to be from movies (cause we're movie blogs, y'see, god forbid we break format ONCE and talk about music but whatever), then they purposelly crash on an island or something. I didn't do that much research and I didn't look at anyone elses list yet cause I didn't want them to influence me. I do know that they seem to stop at 12, which confuses me cause when I make CD's I can fit WAY more than 12. So I'm doing 20. Like I said, I didn't look that much into it and fuck it, it's my list. And to help load times, I only linked to the videos on Youtube. Most likely most of them would've had the embedding disabled anyway. Here we go, in no particular order:
1. Warren Zevon-Werewolves of London (The Color of Money) I never understood why this wasn't featured in "An American Werewolves in London", at least for a brief moment. But we do have the honor of seeing Tom Cruise singing it, so there's that.
2. REM-The Great Beyond (Man on the Moon) I fuckin' love this song. Just one of two songs from REM that's about Andy Kaufman. And fuckin' "Man on the Moon" is, seriously, one of my favorite GOOD movies.
3. Issac Hayes-Theme of "Shaft" (Shaft) Sometimes I wish I had my own theme song and just have it play while I walk around the city, looking cool and shit. Fuck yeah.
4. Goo Goo Dolls-Iris (City of Angels) I'm gonna get a lot of shit for this one but whatever, I like this song. And I haven't seen the movie, but I seen the music video enough times to know it's from the movie.
5. Queen-Bohemian Rhapsody (Wayne's World) So when I go to other people's blogs, this song better be on EVERYONE'S list. Really.
6. Motley Crue-Home Sweet Home (Hot Tub Time Machine) I knew about this song before the movie made it "famous", but now I just think about Rob Corrdry performing it.
7. Sponge-Plowed (Empire Records) Honestly, I could've put the entire damn soundtrack on this list but I stuck with this one cause everytime Felicia hears it, she thinks of the movie. I just rock out.
15. Alice in Chains-Got Me Wrong (Clerks) So here's a puzzler. Kevin Smith made this movie on his own but somehow got Alice in Chains to be on the soundtrack. Figure that shit out.
16. Afroman-Cuz I Was High (Jay and Silent Bob Strikes Back) While we're on the subject of Kevin Smith...
17. Lynard Skynard-Freebird (The Devil's Rejects) Like half the song is used at the end of the movie. And I'm not complaining.
18. Dokken-Dream Warriors (Nightmare on Elm Street 3: The Dream Warriors) I would probably lose some street cred if I didn't include this. I hope I made you happy.
19. Metric-Black Sheep (Scott Pilgrim vs The World) The instant I got home from seeing this movie in the theater, I immedately downloaded this song. I love it.
20. Blue Oyster Cult-Godzilla Ok, this wasn't used IN a movie, but c'mon! It's about motherfuckin' Godzilla! C'MON!!
So that's it. Now I'll be visiting everyone else and see what they got. For some reason, I get the feeling I did this all wrong.
It seems like every single blog I read is doing some sort of 2010 wrap up post. Me being the unoriginal follower that I am, felt compelled to do one.
"But Jason," you are saying right now, "they are talking about the GOOD movies people watch in theaters. You watch a bunch of crap nobody ever heard of that came out 10 million years ago. And nobody loves you!"
Wow, you're a pretty hateful person, aren't you? Well anyway...
What makes this post different is I'm gonna be all over the place. I'm gonna talk about my Top Five Favorite Movies I Seen in Theaters, Top Five Favorite Movies I Discovered This Year, and my Top Ten Worst Movies I Reviewed This Year. Good? Good!
Top Five Favorite Movies I Seen In Theaters 5. Hot Tub Time Machine-Seriously, this movie is severely underrated. Although I get the feeling it's going to be one of those cult classics some years from now. Plus maybe it's just cause I have a thing for time travel movies. I dunno. 4. Cop Out-WHY DOES EVERYBODY HATE THIS MOVIE?? I don't get it! Why??.....WHY??? 3. Let Me In-I have not seen the original and from what it sounds like, the remake is much better. I was floored when I left the theater and I frankly wanna see it again really soon. 2. Inception-What the hell do I have to add to this? It's fucking awesome! Although I'm sure the good movie blogs left the word "fucking" but eh, it belongs there. Dear Good Movie Blogs, put more fucking, literally and figuratively, in your reviews. Thanks! 1. Scott Pilgrim vs The World-WHY DIDN'T ANYBODY SEE THIS MOVIE?? WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU???? AHHHH!!!!!
(Maybe this is why I don't do "good" movie blogs. Oh and before anyone says "What about Harry Potter 7?" I'm waiting to see Part 2 and gonna judge it has a whole movie, kinda like "Kill Bill". Part 1 was fucking amazing, for the record. Maybe I should guest spot on these "good" movie blogs. Rachel? Dylan? Mad Hatter (like he'll read this)? You guys need a second writer?)
It's that time of the year, when Halloween is so close, you can smell that weird plastic used in kids Halloween's costumes wafting in the air. It's around this time that people are like "Pffft, horror movies! I always LOVE horror movies! SEE?" and they make a list featuring "I Know What You Did Last Summer" and the remake of "The Amityville Horror". Then November 1st, they go back to their movies starring Phillip Seymour Hoffman called "Jake Farts Roses" or something.*
Anyway.
I'm clumping in with this a feature Kai Parker over at The List does once in awhile. He has people write about three movies that don't get a lot of love and thinks people should check out. He wouldn't let me write a lot about them so I wrote a thing out for him and fleshed it out here. I'm sure this is something he didn't want me to do but I told him I don't play by ANYBODY'S rules, man! I'm a rebel, Dottie! A loner! But to check out the awful PG-13 version that the studio insist I cut, check out Kai's post HERE.
Since I focus on bad movies, which sometimes fall into the realm of horror, I thought I'd do a list of some of my favorite horror movies. There's going to be a lot of movies that probably won't make other people's lists but I guess that's what I'm known for, amirite? So here, in no particular order, is my list of SOME of my favorite horror movies. (Just know, I put in a few main-stays but left off typical ones like "The Exoricst" and "Nightmare on Elm Street". Just wanted to mention that before I get any "Hey what about-" emails.)
20. Bad Ronald-This is first cause it's probably more of a thriller than horror. But nonetheless, it's creepy as fuck. I plan on doing a full review of this at some point, but for now, I'll just give you a general plot outline. Ronald is a weird shy kid who gets made fun of at a party. On the way home, he accidently kills a little girl. He runs home and tells his overprotective mother, who instead of turning his little boy over to the police, hides him in the walls of their house until "things blow over". But when Mom dies and the house goes up for sale with Ronald still in the wall its when SHIT gets REAL, yo!
19. Drag Me To Hell-I recently watched this movie and I fell in love with it. The ending I sorta predicted but I still liked it. The story is pretty easy too: A hot chick pisses off a Gypsy who curses her with a demon that plans on, well...read the title. It's pretty fucked up. And I like it!
18. Sleepaway Camp-Ok, this movie is "campy" (HA!) as hell but the last 2 minutes you will never, ever, ever, ever EV! ER! fucking forget. I haven't seen the movie in about two years and still that last image flashes in my head-
OH FUCK ME!
17. Bloodsucking Freaks-This movie isn't THAT scary, but it left me with an uneasy feeling long after I watched it. It's one of the movies I need to add images to the review, but I've put it off for a damn good reason. The story is some dude named Master Sardu runs some place where he tortures and kills women in weird ways. He also ships women to other countries. It's kinda fucked.
Speaking of fucked...
16/15/14. Inside/High Tension/Martyrs-French make some fucked up movies. I grouped these three together cause when I think of one, I think of the other two. Plus they all have the same level of creepyness. To quickly run them down: Inside is about a pregnant lady at home after her husband was killed in a car crash on Christmas Eve. She's due any day, but some crazy lady breaks in, wanting to take the unborn baby out of her. High Tension is about a chick staying at a friend's house when a murderer shows up and kills the friend's family, so now the chick must follow the murderer to save her friend, who's still alive. Kind of an iffy twist at the end. Martyrs...ugh. Fuck that movie.
13/12. Poltergeist/Paranormal Activity-Something about ghosts and other worldly beings doing shit and being all invisible while doing it freaks me the fuck out. I think stuff like that is way scarier than murderers and whatnot cause I can see them. When something moves on it's own and there's nothing there, fuck me I'm running out the door.
11. Paranormal Activity 2-Was way fucking creepier than the first one, that's why it gets it's own listing. I don't care if I'm alone on that.
10. The Changling-Another ghost movie, but this is more related to a scene. So George C. Scott moved into this big ass house by himself when some weird stuff starts happening. He does some digging and figured out some shit went down a long time ago. So he brings in a psychic/medium to hold a seance to contact the ghost in the house. This seance is the creepiest thing ever. The psychic is communicating with the ghost by writing a piece of paper and words start forming. And they're also tape recording this and when it's played back...hang on.
Holy shit, it's on Youtube. I DARE YOU to watch this:
9. The Blair Witch Project-True story, I saw this opening weekend back in 1999. When I got back home, it was dark. My mom wanted me to take the garbage out. Now, I didn't live in the woods or anything, but it was a small city that didn't really believe in street lights. Especially in alleys. So needless to say, that was the fast I ever threw out the garbage. I don't think I even went to the can. I think I just launched it from the back porch and ran back into the room and cried.
8. Popcorn-Drifting away from shit that scared me to some good b-grade horror, I love this movie. A bunch of kids put on a film festival showing 50's and 60's style horror movies, with a William Castle-theme to them. But a psycho killer is going around, killing the kids. It's awesome fun. Check it out!
7. Cat's Eye-This is a horror anthology of sorts. There's three stories and the same cat is present in all three stories. One story features James Woods trying to quit smoking so he signs up for this program that'll guarantee he'll never smoke ever again. Another story focuses on some dude stuck on the ledge of a building. I don't remember that one too well. The last story...oh man, the last story. The cat must fight this evil thing that lives in Drew Barrymoore's wall. It's pretty freaky.
6. Parents-I BARELY remember this movie, but when I seen it as a kid I knew it was creepy as fuck. Randy Quaid and another chick are the Parents. The entire movie is from the point of view of their kid. The kid begins to suspects something is up with his parents, especially after they get into the "meat making" business. This movie is truly terrifying cause out of everything that they can make scary, what's more scarier than making your parents an oject of horror. Yeah, woods, TV's, and old houses you can avoid. But you can't avoid your parents. And anyone who ever tried to breeze through their old hometown knows this.
5. Manos: The Hands of Fate-Now bear with me for a second. The movie itself is horrible. From the acting to the directing to the filming to the lighting to the dubbing. But if you think about the story...it's kinda fucked up. Now, pretend you never seen this movie, either by it self or the MST3K version and read this: A family, including a very young girl, is on vacation. They arrive at some lodge that mysteriously appeared and they're greated by a creepy servant named Torgo. It turns out this lodge is the home of a cult that worships a god named Manos and the leader, The Master, takes on many wives. The Master, and Manos, sets their eyes on the wife and daughter of the family, leaving the husband to take the place of Torgo after he betrays Manos and The Master. Now, doesn't that sound messed up? Vacations that go wrong do make horrible movies cause when you die, you're in a strange place. No one wants to die in a strange place. Well, I wouldn't mind dying on the moon, but whatever.
4. Cathy's Curse-This movie is FUCKING TERRIBLE...that I love it. Everything about it is so retarded. It's a ghost possession story but done just wrong. From the housekeeper who pretends to clean up broken glass to the fake mustaches, it's just awesome. It's on Netflix, check it out.
3. Slugs-Oh my god, I love this movie. It's about killer slugs but here's the thing: the slugs...aren't giant. They're normal sized slugs! But they eat people! It's crazy! There's so much here. The hero's name is Mike Brady. Half the cast is dubbed for some reason. There's a guy who looks like Leslie Nielsen who yells out "YOU DON'T HAVE THE AUTHORIZATION TO DECLARE HAPPY BIRTHDAY!". It's GREAT!
2. Hatchet-I need to see this again. I only seen it once, two years ago. But I remember loving it. I want to see the sequel so badly. It's a throwback to 80's old school horror. The story is very simple: a bunch of kids on spring break goes to New Orleans. They take a swamp tour and in the swamp lives the ghost of Victor Crowley, a weird looking killer. Boom, dead kids. It's a lot of fun.
1. The Mist-You have to give it up to movies that focus more on the craziness of the people than the monsters. Although, the monsters do make this a horrifying film. I love this movie. And the end is so super effective. It literally made me GASP!, which is something I don't do often to movie.
So there ya go. Some of my favorite horror movies. I've talked about these movies on here but this is for a new audience that never reads my shit so hi new readers! I know you're not gonna stick around so I could say things that aren't true and you wouldn't know any better. My half-brother is Brad Pitt. I met Hunter S. Thompson in Las Vegas in 1999. I was the guy that came up with the Kindle. This website and blog gets 1 million views a day.
Ok, back to your normal lives. -Jason *If you think I was talking about you, don't worry I wasn't. I wasn't talking about anyone in particular. Well, except for you.
I haven't done a list in forever. But I was looking at my post count and I saw that fuckin' A, man, this is post 666. Mu ha ha ha!! \m/
So I think this is a good time to tick off some movies involving the devil and Satan in some way shape or form. If you're a holy person, you should probably fuck off for this one post. Then go back to pouring holy water at your computer screen tomorrow.
10. Santa Claus-In this late 50's movie from Mexico, Satan sends one of his devils Pitch to Earth to put a stop to and/or kill Santa Claus. That is seriously the plot of this movie. We did a Mass Invasion of it a few Christmases ago.
9. Bill and Ted's Bogus Journey-In this sequel, Bill and Ted totally die and in one of the most interesting filmed scenes I've seen, they end up in Hell and meet the BIG Red Guy himself. He isn't too impressed with them so he sends them to their own personal hells.
8. Tenacious D In The Pick of Destiny-I don't care, I fuckin' love this movie! The rock duo Tenacious D goes on a quest to find a guitar pick that's made from Satan's horn. At the end of the movie Satan appears to do battle. It's a great scene and a very underrated movie.
7. South Park: Bigger, Longer, and Uncut-Since we're in the comedy realm, the animated musical movie of "South Park" features Satan getting fucked by Saddam Hussien, then eventually trying to return to Earth. To think, a song from this movie got nominated for an Oscar.
6. Oh God! You Devil-I haven't seen this movie in FOREVER. All I remember is some musican sells his soul to the Devil (George Burns) to be famous and he gets his wish. But soon he regrets it so he needs help from God (Also George Burns). I know it's a sequel to Oh God! with John Denver and I'll need to see it again soon to refresh my memory. But as a kid, I loved this movie. That probably says a lot about me as a kid.
5. Little Nicky-To round out the comedies, Adam Sandler is Nicky, the son of the Devil (Harvey Keitel). Nicky's older, meaner brothers want to take over Earth and it's up to Nicky to stop them. The movie isn't as great as Sandler's other films, but I enjoy it on a guilty pleasure level.
4. Constantine-I only seen this movie once, so I'll need to see it again to get a feel on what I thought of it. But Fuckin' Peter Stormare is the Devil? That's motherfucking great casting right there.
3. Devil-I liked this movie. And apparently I'm the biggest dumbass on the planet cause I seem to be the only one who was surprised on who in this movie was the Devil. I won't spoil it here but I'll say this: the person they hinted at in the trailer is NOT it.
2. Rosemary's Baby-A building full of Satan worshippers drug a chick so Satan can come to Earth to bone her with his surely 80 inch cock and proceeds to knock her up. This movie is the very definition for a slow-burn movie.
1. The Exorcist-The fuckin' king of all Satan movies. Now, people are probably gonna call me on this cause TECHICALLY Satan didn't possess Regan, it was a demon named Pszuzu or what the fuck ever. But if you ignore the shit-tastic sequel and just go by the first movie, they say it's the actual Devil. Plus this movie is pretty much the only movie in existance that scares the shit out of me. So there's that.
Looking at some lists about the Devil/Satan in movies, I was baffled by a few. Like "House of 1000 Corpses" and "The Devil's Rejects". Those movies don't even have Satan. They have a dude NAMED Dr. Satan but it's not Satan. Or I REALLY didn't understand those movies.
Also "A Haunting in Connecticut" was listed, which I saw recently and I don't recall Satan showing up in that movie. It was about dead people, ghosts, and kids that look like Robert Patterson or whatever his name is. There's also "The Omen" but it's really more about Satan's SON. Satan doesn't appear. Again, unless I REALLY didn't understand it.
For real Honorable Mentions, I'll include End of Days cause it's Arnold vs Satan but I only seen it once and I wasn't too thrilled with it so whatever. Also "Needful Things" which is a better story than movie. I know I need to see "Legend". Oh and of course "The Devil's Advocate". Al Pacino "Hoo-HA!"ing as the devil? Awesome.
Ok there ya go. 666. Fire and brimstone coming down from the skies! Rivers and seas boiling! Forty years of darkness! Earthquakes, volcanoes...The dead rising from the grave! Human sacrifice, dogs and cats living together... mass hysteria! AHH!! -Jason
PS: Sidenote and I'm not kidding here, when I went to edit this post, all kinds of weird shit kept happening. My photo editor wouldn't open. Things kept popping up. Weird, man.
I use to read all the fucking time when I was a young lad. Now I'm all about movies so I don't read as much. But the books I have read in my lifetime, I was reading them and thinking "This would make a kickass movie!" So I figured it's time to unveil: Top 6 Books I'd Like To See Made Into Movies
6. "Haunted" Written by Chuck Palahniuk-Palahniuk, who wrote the novels of "Fight Club" and "Choke" wrote this in 2005. My thinking was he wrote a novel that couldn't turned into a movie easily. But if this was turned into a movie, holy fucking shit it'd be a fucked up movie. The novel is pretty much 23 short stories about the characters in the novel. Every story is just one fucked up story after another. But the MAIN fucked up story is titled "Guts". If you haven't read it, I won't spoil it but I'll just say it deals with masturbation, a pool, and those sucktion ports in swimming pools. Enough said. (Oddly enough, while doing research on this, I found this so maybe it will be a movie. But I wouldn't hold my breath.)
5. "The Wayside School Stories" Written by Louis Sachar-I read this series when I was a kid and thinking about them and reading the Wikipedia entry on it made me giddy. The stories focuses on a school called Wayside and the school is 30 stories tall with one class on each story. The book tells 30 stories about each kid on the 30th story and it's just weird. Also while reading the wikipedia, it mentions there's a TV show and maybe a movie in the works. I should reword this list but screw that noise.
4. "My Teacher..." series Written by Bruce Coville-Another series I read when I was a kid. The first book "My Teach is an Alien" tells the story of a substitute teacher who turns out to be an alien, sent to Earth to scout out for a reason. When the alien left, taking the nerd Peter, we go into the into the second book "My Teacher Fried My Brain", about another teacher who uses some sort of hair dryer and a kid's brain to contact the runaway alien to get back home. The third series "My Teacher Glows In The Dark" tells the story of what happened to the nerd Peter when he ran away with the alien. The fourth book "My Teacher Flunked The Planet" tells us what the story was about: the aliens hate Earth because of how we act to each other and scared they'll invent space travel and bring their awfulness to other planets, want to destroy it. So it's up to these three kids to save the planet. Honestly, these could be a good series of movies if done right. They're funny, insightful, and the story about how we act on this planet still rings true to this day.
3. Mike Nelson's "Death Rat" Written by Michael J. Nelson-When I heard Mystery Science Theater 3000 head writer and star Mike Nelson was writing a novel, I was estactic. When the book hit the stores, I scooped it up and read it in one day and it's a glorious wonderful book. The story focuses on Ponty, a failed writer who mainly writes boring history books. One day he gets the idea to write a fictional action book called "Death Rat" about a giant rat that attacked a town in the 1900's. But the publisher doesn't think Ponty looks like the type to write a historic action book, so he hires an actor named Jack to play the writer but Jack, not knowing any better, said the book is based on a true story. This gets around and soon hilarity ensues, with Jack and Ponty heading to the actual town and setting up a cover up by making it seem like the Death Rat thing actually happened. This would be an awesome fucking movie. If there was a movie I would attempt to write, it would be this one.
2. "The Face" Written by Dean Koontz-This one, as I was reading it, I was picturing the movie in the head as it played out. The "Face" in the movie is a high profile actor who's in tons of movies and as a result, he leaves his son home alone a lot. I picture "The Face" being played by Ben Affleck for some reason. Anyway, this book is kinda hard to talk about but it'd make an awesome movie. There's angels, time travel, a weird creepy dude, everything. If you haven't read it, read it, and let's hope a movie version isn't too far off.
1. "The Talisman" Written by Stephen King and Peter Straub-I FUCKIN' love this book. You don't even know. The story is super complicated. The easiest way to describe it would be it's about a kid on a cross country adventure looking for a way to save his dying mom. He has some liquid that can transport him to an alternate version of America and he has a companion that's a giant wolf guy who turns human when they come to the real world. There's way more to it than that. This would have to be a mini-series or sequels or something cause it's a long story and nothing-NOTHING-should be taken out.
Well there ya go. I'm sure there's other novels I'd like to see turned into movies but these were the first six I thought of. Feel free to sound off in the comments. Until next week... -Jason
