Sand Sharks

I been wanting to cover this movie since I did my shark attack blog-a-thon(g) earlier this year but it wasn't available then. Thankfully, Netflix decided to add it to their Instant Watch and now I get to cover it before Invasion of the B Movies goes away forever!

What was the huge appeal to me? Mainly the raw star power of Brooke Hogan! She popped up during "2-Headed Shark Attack" and when I heard she did ANOTHER movie, this time about sharks in sand, I said "Oh great, she's gonna be the go-to shark gal, huh?"

"Sand Sharks" opens up with two dirt bike riding guys riding around on a beach. One of them gets stuck in the sand and wouldn't you know it a shark pops out of the sand and eats him. The other guy of course thinks the first guy was joking around and goes looking for him but he too gets eaten.

After the credits, where all the stars are also the producers of the movie and we learn there's a guy calling himself "Edgar Allan Poe IV" (Will this guy still have a career? Quoth the raven: "Nevermore!"), we meet Jimmy. Jimmy is your standard stereotypical sleazy producer guy who wears fake gold jewelry, wears tinted glasses indoors, and calls everyone "babe".

Jimmy is from an island called White Sand and his father (played by Edgar Allan Poe IV) is the Mayor of this island. Jimmy has returned home to help bring tourists to this island. We're told through several back story conversations that Jimmy tried to have a festival on the island before and a billion people died, which scared off the tourists, so as a result the island hasn't recovered and businesses are leaving and the residents are moving into the city.

Jimmy wants to put on a festival called "Sand Man", which is suppose to be a rip off of Burning Man. Mayor Dad actually likes the idea and tells Jimmy he can put on the festival. Meanwhile Sheriff John and his sister Brenda are trying to solve the mystery of the two dead bikers from earlier. Brenda thinks it was a shark, despite the bodies being found on land and calls in a shark expert, Brooke Hogan!

Hey if Tara Reid can play a museum curator, Brooke Hogan can be a shark expert!

Meanwhile, Jimmy is all gung-ho on setting up for this festival but John and Brenda have decided to close the beaches until they figure out if there is a shark or not. Brooke Hogan shows up to peek into microscopes, say some things I'm sure she read off a cue card regarding types of sharks, and of course wear bikinis as often as possible.

Already, it sounds like a bad rip-off or parody of "Jaws" and you're half-right. There is an old salty sea dog guy who says he can kill the shark for ya, the town does go into a panic, AND the mayor doesn't want to close the beaches, AND AND it's up to the small island sheriff to save everybody! I guess Brooke Hogan is Richard Dreyfuss? Have fun wit that masterbatory fantasy.

Jimmy is pissed off that the beach is closed so he hires a fake Jason Statham to bring a fake shark from a "bad shark movie" (SEE NICK, THIS MOVIE IS META!) to pass as the shark going around killing people on the island. But Professor Brooke Hogan knows the truth and says so to everybody's faces!

Later that night, Jimmy decides to set up for the festival anyway by having fake Jason Statham set up the power cables, which causes a black out on the island. John figured this out and spots Fake Statham on the beach but you know what else is on the beach? The shark....our shark!

The shark attacks Fake Statham, who was plugging in some more power cords after fixing the power or something and this causes an electrical surge, blowing up the shark. With that out of the way, Jimmy is free to put on the festival.

And what a lame festival. It looked more like an organized flash mob set to dubstep. There was maybe 20 people, even though Jimmy promised Edgar Allan Poe IV a billion people, MORE people than Burning Man, and all these people were gonna save the island's economy. HEY! Maybe that's what Obama should do! Throw a GIANT dance party in Washington, D.C, have EVERY country over, and have Skrillex provide the music! Talk about a Party in the U.S.A!

Anyway, since the movie hasn't ended yet, you probably figured out that wasn't the only shark in the sand that got killed. It was actually a baby shark and the baby shark has a mother...and a father...and several other siblings. Cue the mayhem!

In the mayhem, Brenda is chomped in half along with some people that worked for Jimmy. Jimmy learns his lesson and decides not to be a douchebag and actually tries to save people. And it's up to John, Brooke Hogan, and salty sea dog guy to save the day! How do they save the day?

I have no idea. It was confusing at best. Something about melting sand and using amps from the DJ's booth and the song "Ride of the Valkyries". Oh and Jimmy is carrying napalm for no real reason. He just happened to have it. OH! And there was literally a scene where characters just transported. John and Brooke Hogan are stuck on some rocks, being circled by sand sharks. Cuts away to Jimmy driving to the police station to get some guns and suddenly both John and Brooke is there! They just said "oh we got away!" THE FUCK?!?!?!

Whatever. So they're putting their plan into motion but the speakers is cut by the shark fins and Jimmy decides to sacrifice himself by running around in circles singing "Row Row Row Your Boat". This causes the sharks to think "The fuck is wrong with this guy?" and eat him. Thankfully, Brooke Hogan knows how to handle a flame thrower and blows up the sharks real good.

What's funny about this movie is it clearly doesn't take itself too seriously. The Netflix description says it's a "comedic thriller". So this movie had it's tongue planted clearly in it's cheek and as a result, I'll go easy on it. The acting was fucking terrible, however, and I'm sure that wasn't on purpose. It's a goofy ass movie and if you need something dumb to watch and want to look at Brooke Hogan's tits for an hour and a half and NOT risk a restraining order, you can pop this in. But you see them more in "2-Headed Shark Attack"...whatever!



-Jason

The Killing of Satan

There comes a time in every bad movie reviewers life where you hear about a movie so fucking insane you say to yourself "I must, for better or for worse watch this movie" and no matter what you must go through, you MUST watch this movie.

I searched far and wide for this movie. I traveled across many continents in hope that somebody SOMEWHERE would be able to tell me how I can get this thing. After many many months of dead ends and bad deals gone wrong and untrustworthy people, I got a solid lead! I found a old hermit who lives in Regina, Saskatchewan, Canada, in a cave no less, and he listened to my plea as I describe this crazy movie. He nodded intently and spoke three words that forever changed my life:

"It's on Netflix".

God dammit.

Long story short "The Killing of Satan"! It's a 1983 Philippines film where the man character is named Lando. I so badly tried to make Star Wars comparisons but I only got so far as another character happened to be named Ben and they just point their hands at things and magic happens. Sadly, nothing looked like a Death Star nor did the villain have a breathing problem.

The start of the film prepares you for the crazy ass ride you're in for when Uncle Miguel and his followers (I'll explain in a minute) meet up with a fabulous looking guy named The Prince of Magic to fight or some such thing but The Prince of Magic is....the prince of magic. And as a result he causes Uncle Miguel's head to spin around! It's the Linda Blair exercise tape! (More like EXORCISE TAPE AMIRITE?!?!?!?!)

This doesn't really kill him because Uncle Miguel possess Special God Powers! From God! Yeah! But it can cause Uncle Miguel to be out of commission, so he calls for his Nephew Lando!!

I swear to god I'm gonna dress as Lando for Halloween next year. I can so pull it off.

FYI: Lando is the Denim God on the left.

Lando just got out of prison for killing some dude but now the dude's brother wants revenge!! The dude's brother shows up one night and a gun fight ensues. Lando's son David is killed and Lando is shot in the head! His wife starts freaking out but here's the twist! Lando didn't die! Instead Uncle Miguel somehow took the bullet to the brain and dies. But while Lando was dead or something, he had a unique vision of Miguel running from a falling styrofoam boulder then getting run over by the boulder. Does this kill Miguel? Not really, it squashes his entire body like a tank ran him over but it left his head intact.

Wow. Anyway, this vision and sudden miracle that he and his family seem to blow off makes him want to visit Uncle Miguel and apparently when you're from the Philippines you get your own island and traveling to said island is a bitch! Especially when the helicopter filming the overhead scenes causes tsunamis.

Lando eventually arrives at Uncle Miguel's island where he meets a mute kid named Nino (quite literal with the translation there, huh?) and Nino takes Lando and his family (wife and daughter of undetermined age) to Uncle Miguel's cottage. There, Lando learns about Miguel's death, how Miguel was a cult leader, and that Lando now possesses the Magical Left Hand of GOD!!!!! AH, I see, it's a propaganda film for left handed people. RIGHT HANDED PEOPLE RULE, LEFT HANDED PEOPLE DROOL!!!!

And Lando gets a sidekick who's name I didn't catch (sorry) so I'll just call him Robin. Robin tells Lando that he must go row out to the middle of the ocean, find the decomposing body of Uncle Miguel, and learn more about the Magical Left Hand of God! Lando does so and instead of meeting Uncle Miguel, he meets Jason Voorhees! Or it looked like him anyway.

While this is happening, The Prince of Magic shows up on the island and takes Lando's daughter and some other chick that I didn't bother to learn her name hostage. Lando and Robin show up right as they row away.  So now it's up to Lando and Robin to get them back!!

And they do. The end!

No, I'm just kidding. I need to tell you how crazy this fucking movie gets. Plus it's called "The Killing of Satan" and I haven't even mentioned Satan yet. Let's do this!

Lando and Robin arrive on The Prince of Magic's island and they try to find an entrance to the Cave of The Prince of Magic And Maybe Satan Is There Too We Don't Know Yet. While that's happening, The Prince of Magic takes Lando's daughter to a cage where a small group of naked girls is just chillin'. Apparently, The Prince of Magic does this often. He puts the daughter in the cage and takes Nameless Chick to another part of the cave where I guess he rapes her. We don't really see it, so don't worry. But I'm sure he does.

Lando and Robin finally enter the cave and they split up, where they do battle with The Prince of Magic's henchmen, who can transform into snakes!! And sometimes dogs!! And there's two SUPER hot chicks who transform into cats!! Me-ow!! Robin manages to find Nameless Chick but now she's a BRIDE OF...The Prince of Magic. Hm. Doesn't have the same ring to it. Anyway, she rips Robin's face off and he stares at Nameless Chick's tits until her heart explodes. I'm not kidding about anything I just said.

Lando somehow ends up outside the cave (GOOD JOB LANDO) and finds an old lady stuck under a rock. OH SHIT IT'S THE PHILIPPINES VERSION OF "128 HOURS"! Anyway, Lando frees the old lady and she wants to thank him by taking him home and having him bone his super hot daughters. SPOILER ALERT the old lady and the daughters all work for The Prince of Magic and.....SATAN!!

So how does Satan fit into all this? Uh....he wants to marry a girl...hence all the kidnapped naked girls in a cage...but he's gonna settle for Lando's daughter because....yeah. Anyway, Lando is then visited by Nino and his Father, who is suppose to be God. Anyway, God gives him a stick to fight Satan. That's it. A stick. I would've said "Uh...how about some AWESOME super powers! Like lighting bolts or my fingers shoots bullets!" But no. Lando gets a stick. THANKS GOD!!!

Anyway, now that Robin and Nameless Chick is dead, Lando must fight Satan and The Prince of Magic alone. He manages to kill The Prince of Magic easily enough but Satan is a tough bastard! Satan, who looks SUPER fabulous, shows up and it looks like Lando is getting his ass handed to him because he only has a stick and Satan is, well, SATAN! But randomly Lando gets the upper hand and yes Satan is killed. Where does Satan go when he dies? Heaven? Is god like "Nope, you ain't going back to Hell. I will let you in. MU HAHAHAHAHAHA!!!" It's all weird.

Lando finds his daughter and they get back to the island, where another tsunami shows up but everything is ok this time and the movie ends. Wait, now that Satan is dead...does this mean God officially has NOTHING to do?! Will God retire?!? We need a sequel called "The Boredom of God".

Speaking of boredom, this movie was anything BUT boring. It's fucking wacky as shit, man. I don't even know if I did it justice or not. You just need to see it. It's amazing. Of course the acting wasn't the best and the special effects was pffft but the story is something else, man. You need to see it to believe it.



-Jason

King Kong vs Godzilla

I've seen this movie a few times before reviewing it now and one thing always baffles me. Which I'll get to later. And I know certain people care about these things, so if you're one of them, and you don't wanna know who wins the big fight, don't read this review, or at least the end of it.

American news anchor Eric Carter sits in his giant roulette table in outer space and reports that some crazy ass shit is going down. This doctor dude went to this island, found some sort of berry where if you consume it, you'll pass out instantly. It's like vodka in berry form. The doctor says the people on the island are rather stingy about who gets these berries cause they mainly use it to feed their giant god, who has been unseen by outsiders.

Taco (I thought it was Tyco but everyone's clearly saying Taco), a guy who runs a TV station in Toyko, decides to send some guys to this island to bring back this giant god so it'll sing and dance and delight the kids. I think this plot has been used before (Mighty Joe Young, Gorgo, Barney...what you think it's just a guy in a purple suit? Get real!), but that don't stop Taco.

So off goes Sakari and the Nervous Guy, whom I'll name Steve cause it's much easier to type then Nervous Guy, and even easier then whatever his name really is. They, along with the Japanese Gilligan, who I'll just name Gilligan, arrive on the primative island.

Meanwhile, a bunch of knuckleheads on a submarine end up blowing up a glowing piece of rock. It turns out this is Godzilla's fortress of solitude and he's rather pissed off. So he kills the people on the sub and heads to Japan to sow his wild giant oats.

Sakari, Steve, and Gilligan are roaming around the island when, for some odd reason, a giant octopus attacks. Where does he come from? What does he want? Why is he there? We don't know because everyone starts shooting at it. Well, more like start shooting the wall where his image is displayed. The graphics and special effects in this movie isn't exactly Lucasfilm material. Well guess who shows up to destroy the monster and make calimari for everyone?

Donkey Kong. No wait. His brother King Kong. He basically tells the octopus to am-scray, this is my turf, and it does so. Then he gets drunk on Soma (the berry drink) and passes out. The natives start dancing and singing to his tribute. Sakari and Steve kidnap him.

This is one thing I don't understand about this movie. Kong is being carried on a raft by a bigger boat. When Taco arrives via helicopter (Mission Accomplished) and they look at Kong, Sakari mentions not to push down on this plunger because it's connected to the dynamite that's on Kong's raft.

...WHAT?!?! Why would they put dynamite on the raft if they plan on bringing him to Japan all safe-like? This makes NO SENSE!!

But then we realize what the film makers were going for. The Japanese goverment storm the boat and tells them that Kong must be destroyed because he's considered a menance (duh!). So while trying to blow him up, he gets free and chaos ensues.

So now both Godzilla and Kong are stomping around Japan. Everyone's in a big panic and it isn't long before Kong has flashbacks to that day in New York SOOO long ago...hey didn't he die? Hm, maybe not. Anyway, he snatches up Flamaco and climbs a tower and bellows loudly.

Sakari and Fajita splash Kong with Soma and soon he passes out. Realizing the only way to get rid of these two giant problems is to have them fight it out on Mount Fuji! So off they go and it's quite a fight.

Spoiler! Ok, you've been warned.

It looks like Kong is gonna lose but since electricity makes him stronger, and there just happens to be a lighting storm nearby, he comes back to life and kicks Godzilla's ass! That kinda sucked for me cause I happen to like Godzilla.

And that's my other problem with this movie. Godzilla is a Japanese product. So why are all these Japanese people rooting for King Kong? That just seems wrong. And another thing is for some odd reason when this was Americanized, instead of just dubbing the voices into English, which is normal, but they added scenes of American actors talking about Godzilla and King Kong fighting and stuff. It doesn't really make any sense.

Besides all that stuff, this is a fairly entertaining movie. I like that Taco guy. Look out for his classic line "NNNNNNNNNNO!!!!!!!!!!" It'll make you laugh for hours and hours on end.



-Jason

Old School Summer: Sleepaway Camp

Status: Own (I reviewed this movie back in 2005 but I've recently rewatched it. I plan on doing the sequels soon.)

After hearing about 3 million people tell me "YOU GOTTA SEE 'SLEEPAWAY CAMP'!! IT'S FUCKED UP, IT'S TWISTED, AND IT'S UP YOUR ALLEY!!" After I thank them for such a compliment I said hell with it and got it. And, dear readers, was I in for a treat.

We see a dad and his two kids out on a boat in a lake while some teenagers zip around in a speedboat. Because they're stupid clumsy anteaters, I mean teenagers, and they don't know how speedboat's work, they kill Dad and one of the kids. The other kid is basically just scarred for life and pretty much never wants to see water or teenagers ever again.

Jump to eight years later and we see Aunt Martha getting Angela, the surviving kid, and Ricky, Martha's actual son, ready to go to camp. She's really weird and tends to say "No...that wouldn't work at all!" a lot. And the chick playing her tends to way overact. She actually says it like, "NO!!! THAT wouldn't work AT ALL!!" It is hard to describe.

Anyway, off they go and everyone realizes that Angela is kind of on the creepy and quiet side. And it's at this point you think to yourself, "Oh, this is your typical horror slasher movie and Angela is going to redeem herself and everyone is going to like her." Yeah, that's what I thought too. But nope.

This movie is just loaded with creepy characters, like Artie, who comments on the kids running in a way that make you throw up for a good five minutes. We learn that he really is a creep when he tries to corner Angela and starts disrobing. Thankfully, Ricky shows up and saves her.

No one likes Angela's quiet nature and I thought she was going to go the entire movie without a single line, cause all she does is stare at people really creepy like. It's only a matter of time before Judy and Meg start picking on her. Even some of the councilors are like, "Hey Creepy Girl, eat something, ya jerk!".

After the whole encounter with Artie, we soon realize that his number is up when he's in the kitchen with an insanely large pot that is just full of boiling water. And of course we get the killer's point of view so we see the killer push the insanely large pot of boiling water on him. Then we're treated to a nice 5 minute scene of Artie screaming his head off while Mel tries to cover it up, telling the semi-retarded old guy Ben that he's now the main cook AND to tell the kids Artie "moved to an animal farm where he'll be happy".

Then we get about twenty more minutes of scenes where other campers, and councilors pick on Angela while Ricky defends her. Ricky's friend Paul decides to make his move and Angela actually likes him and this is when we realize that she has a voice.

Later, some kid named Kenny gets killed. Those bastards!

Now, I got why Artie got injured. As far as I could tell he wasn't going to die, just be in pain for the rest of his life and he deserved it, so I was on the killer's side here. But I didn't get what Kenny did that was so horrible where he died. Maybe the killer was just sick of hearing nothing but mumbling.

Mel really freaks out but tries to keep everyone calm but continuing with camp activities like normal. Meanwhile Angela and Paul's relationship is sort of getting rocky when Paul is trying to make out with her but she has some odd flashbacks that we're not quite sure what they mean and she freaks out and runs away. The next day, Paul is quite mad with her and starts making out with Judy. Angela sees this and gets quite upset and goes back to her usual way with Paul.

We get more teasing of Angela and a few campers here and there are killed and Mel suspects Ricky for some odd reason. Then when night hits, the killer goes on one big killing spree. Not only is Meg stabbed in the shower, but Judy gets a pretty horrible killing. Let's say it involves a hot curling iron and a, ah, body part where such things can fit.

I can hear women all over reading that just cringing.

Mel, who finds Meg dead, thinks Ricky did it and beats the shit out of him, until the killer kills him with an arrow. After finding a good amount of other campers dead, we get the shocking of all shocking endings.

Now, I know I have written somewhere on the site that if you don't want to have anything spoiled for you, you shouldn't be reading my reviews since I go into extreme details and give away the ending. People usually complain if you don't give them such a warning, so you have been warned TWICE! So I don't wanna hear it. Ready? Here we a-go!

Yes, Angela is the killer. BUT!!! GET THIS!! When Aunt Martha adopted Angela, she decided that one boy was quite enough, so when the suriving BOY from the first scene in the movie moved in, Martha turned him into a girl AND named him Angela. Now, how do we know this? Well, we get an oddly placed flashback explaining Aunt Martha doing so, but we also see Angela standing over Paul's dead body naked and we see her/his/whatever wee-wee. And she gives the creepiest stare yet. I actually shuddered. And I don't shudder.

The first 85-89 minutes of the movie is honestly horrible, with horrible acting, worse dialouge, and just fucked up storytelling. But that last minute, let me tell you. It's really, really...something. I'm just at a lost for words here. I say just put up with the horribleness of it all to see the ending, Angela's creepy stare, and weird ass song at the end for yourself. And because of all that I give this movie

-Jason

Maniac!

Apparently at some point in the future, there's going to be a remake of this film "Maniac" and it's gonna star Elijah Wood as The Maniac! Ok, the killer's name wasn't The Maniac...wait maybe it was! There were tons of newspaper reports about the killer killing people and it just said "Maniac strikes again!" Maybe the cops and/or press just called him "Maniac". Jeez, way to be original, fake cops and press I just made up in that last sentence!

Anyway.

Film starts off with a couple sleeping on a beach because they're homeless? They think it'd be fun to be cold on the beach? It makes even less sense when you find out it's December, so I really don't get what they were doing. Anyway, The Maniac creeps up on them, stabs the shit out of the girl, and then cuts the guys head off with piano wire.

Then The Maniac wakes up. Was this a dream? No, more like a dream-memory. He wakes up in his small New York City apartment and it's like Serial Killer 101 designed the place. There's creepy mannequins, weird dolls, and just strange things nailed to the walls. The Maniac, or as he likes to call himself "Frank", gets up, gets dressed, and heads out for the night.

He passes a prostitute and decides to buy her services for the night. Here's something strange I didn't know about buying hookers: you also have to pay for the hotel room. You'd think AT LEAST the room would be free, since you're paying for everything else. But nope, room AND pussy. And this movie was 1979/1980 so I can only imagine what that'd be like today.

They get into the room and the girl starts up with the sexy while Frank just lies there, looking like Ron Jeremy's unsuccessful brother, until they make out. Frank takes it a bit too far when he strangles the prostitute. I gotta say, I didn't buy him has a killer because it took FOR FUCKING EVER to strangle her. After five minutes, she died and he starts scalping her.

Yes, that's his M.O. He kills chicks then scalps them. Why? So he can put the scalps on the mannequins back at home of course. Frank likes to talk to the mannequins because his mother died and I guess he needed to fill in the void.

The next 45 minutes of the movie is Frank just stalking people and eventually killing them. He stalks a couple getting out of a club and the guy is played by Tom Savini. For all you Savini haters out there, he gets his head totally blown clean off with a shot gun. It's a pretty cool scene actually.

Another point he's just walking around in a park when he notices Caroline Munro taking pictures. For whatever reason, he snoops in her purse and finds her address. OH SNAP HE'S GONNA BREAK IN AND KILL A BITCH!

Or...pretend to be an artist and take her out on a date. Yeah, ok. It's kind of strange actually that he just pretends to be an artist, takes Caroline Munro out on a date, then shows up at a fashion shoot. He spies one model and decides to follow her home. After 20 minutes of her taking a bath and wondering when he was gonna show up, he comes out of nowhere and...ties up her to the bed and talks to her.

Dude, don;t change your M.O NOW!! You just hunt and kill chicks! You're The Maniac! People are scared of you, you crazy fuck! Well, after the talking, he kills the model. So now all that's left is to chase Caroline Munro!

It starts off normal enough, he picks her up and tells her they're going out to dinner, but first they must stop at his mother's grave to lay flowers. Awkward second date! What's next? "Oh here is where my dog Fluffy got run over 20 years ago. FLUFFY!!!!!!!" Anyway, Frank snaps and tries to kill Caroline Munro but you know what? She's MOTHERFUCKIN' Caroline Munro! She doesn't go out like those other bitches! She fights back! And then escapes!

Frank, all beaten and bloodied, goes back to his apartment and soon has a super freak out moment when the mannequins comes to life and kill the fuck out of Frank. Then my favorite part ever comes up. Two cops show up at Frank's house, bust in, see Frank's dead body on the bed, shrug their shoulders and simply leave, even closing the door behind them. Yep, nothing to see here. Oh well...

This was an interesting movie. And I kinda liked it. The guy who played Frank was weird looking, which made for a perfect Maniac. I think Elijah Wood is too pretty to pull this off but I guess we'll have to just wait and see, won't we?



-Jason

Old School Summer: Satan's Little Helper

Status: Rented

So I'm at my video store, trying to figure out what to rent for this week's rental and I came across this little gem. Reading the back of the box, the story sounded interesting so I said "Fuck it" and rented it. Little did I know that when I got home I would be in for the ride of my life.

Ok, it's not quite that momentous but I needed a catchy opening paragraph. Now that you're invested, let's start.

In this movie, there's a video game called Satan's Little Helper. The object is you're...Satan's little helper and you go around killing people and causing mischief. I'm sure this was some commentary on the state of video games. Anyway, this kid named Dougie-




Ok, now that we got that out of the way. This little kid named Dougie is OBSESSED with this video game, so much so that his costume is Satan's Little Helper. And Dougie wants to find Satan and be his assistant. Mom, played by Amanda Plummer, is like "That's nice, dear" and keeps on driving to pick up Dougie's older sister Jenna and

HOLY FUCK JENNA IS HOT!!!!

*shakes head*

Where was I? Oh.

Dougie realizes he has a hot sister and says on several occasions he "wants to marry her". I...wow. I don't even know what to say about that. I guess I'd be all into incest too if THAT was my sister. Fuck me.

Anyway.

Jenna ends up having a boyfriend named Alex and this upsets Dougie to no end. They all get home and Alex decides to dress up like this Satan character to win over the kid. Dougie, meanwhile, is all upset and walking around his neighborhood when he spots a guy dressed up like Satan dragging a dead body out of a house and propping it outside, making it look like decoration. Dougie falls for this and thinks this Satan is the bee knees and wants to be his helper. Satan is like "Ok sure, kid". Well actually, Satan doesn't talk in the movie, at all. He just nods his head and gives thumbs up a lot.

The movie becomes sort of a black comedy with the kid unwittingly helping this serial killer. It gets weird when the kid calls him "Master". And then it turns into fucking "Three's Company" when Dougie wants Satan to kill Alex. Satan just attacks Alex, knocking him out, then goes back home with Dougie, where Jenna and Mom think Alex is in the Satan mask. Satan can't believe his fucking luck and starts groping Jenna, even about to either fuck her or eat her pussy, which she was all for, until Dougie came in the room and wanted to join in.

Ok, no, that doesn't happen. But they stop and Dougie plays with "Satan" some more until Mom realizes she doesn't have candy so she sends Dougie and "Alex" to the store to get some more. There, Satan buys more weapons and then simply walks out without paying. Dougie things this is awesome cause "Satan doesn't have to pay for anything!" and then it turns into the video game with Satan running over pregnant women, old people, babies, and finally a blind person.

Then they go around the neighborhood while Satan kills some people, including Alex's father, who is an asshole. Speaking of Alex, he wakes up and just roams around town, not even thinking for one moment to go back to Jenna's house. What we find out is Satan has killed ALL the police in this town and now everybody has gone crazy and started looting.

After killing a bunch of people, Dougie and Satan return. Jenna figures out that Satan isn't Alex and...kinda stands there without doing much about it. Then their father comes home for a brief cameo because Satan comes out and kills him in front of Dougie, who finally realizes Satan isn't all he's cracked up to be. Satan ties up Mom and of all the fucking hilarious things, takes her to a giant costume party going on in some castle nearby. Yeah, this is a strange town, where there's only 4 cops and a giant castle.

Anyway, nobody at the party thinks it's weird that Mom shows up at the party all tied up and gagged with plastic and thinks it's a great costume. Jenna and Alex finally find each other and go save Mom, but first they must change costumes, which upset me cause Jenna was dressed like this throughout the whole movie:

But now she gets all covered up. DAMN IT!!!

Satan manages to kill a few party goers before Jenna and Alex show up, saving Mom. Alex goes after Satan and the weirdest scene takes place.

Alex steals a gun from a dead cop, threatens Satan with it, Satan PRETENDS to be Alex's Dad, Alex stops, Satan takes the gun, shoots a hole in his hand, gives the gun back to Alex, and simply walks away.

I stopped the DVD and let that sink in. Then watched it again. It made NO FUCKING SENSE.

Until the next scene, when Jenna and Alex goes to Alex's dad's house and finds Satan just standing there. Alex shoots him until he falls, which I then noticed the hole in his hand. OOOH!! I don't know why that was there but OHHH!!!

So back to Dougie, who prays to God and then Jesus shows up! Ok, it's the killer, now dressed as Jesus, NOW with complete Stigmata! Of course Dougie is stupid enough to believe this is Jesus and leaves the house with him AGAIN. But Jenna spots Dougie, realizes Jesus is the killer, and goes back home.

They hear the killer break into the basement and Jenna and Mom head down into the basement where they find Jesus just chillin'.

"But that's clearly Alex in the costume. The killer put it on him so Mom and Jenna can kill him instead!" You, I, and a billion other people who watched this movie shouted. And we are all correct. Upstairs, Dougie finds a nice policeman-

"It's the killer pretending to be a cop because Dougie is a fucking dumbass who STILL trusts the first person he sees, EVEN IF THEY DON'T FUCKING TALK! FUCKING KID GET SOME GOD DAMN SENSE WILL YOU!!!!!" we are all saying. And yes, we're right. And...the movie ends. We never see the killer's face, or wonder if it's anyone we've seen in the movie, or what. I will admit, it's an interesting twist that I didn't see coming. Well, I saw it coming like 2 minutes before it happened, but I didn't see it coming at the beginning of the movie. That's all.

This movie is very weird, really dark, and comedic in parts. I think this would make a good double feature with "Trick R Treat", if you're having a Halloween party, which I'm totally doing this year. I have to think of a good costume. I see Satan and Jesus has been taken. I wonder if I can pull off a good Peter. I just need a rock...



-Jason

Yellowbrickroad

Normally, I listen to music while writing reviews but I think I'm gonna pass this time. "Yellowbrickroad" is pure definition of a B-Movie. I don't know what their budget was (Me? Research? Surely you jest!) but it couldn't have been more than 50 dollars. And that's not even in insult to the film. 90% of the movie was in the forest, hardly any CGI was used, and it's only soundtrack was public domain music.

Sometime in the 1940's, a bunch of people in the town of Prior got up and started walking North for reasons nobody knows and in present day (2010) a husband and wife team named Teddy and Melissa want to know what was up. So they set forth to begin their own expedition, but since it's the 21st century, they bring along a shitload of people and devices to help track the way, like GPS and...maps?

We're introduced to a brother and sister team of "map experts", a guy who's a wildlife expert, a doctor of medicine and psychology, and some other chick because she's hot I guess. Well, she is hot but I really don't know why she came along besides to annoy the characters later.

They arrive at Prior and instead of finding the start of the trail the old townspeople took, they find a movie theater. Inside the theater is Liv, a local girl who thinks what Teddy is doing is exciting and begs to come with, saying her Grandfather knew some of the people who disappeared. She shows them the real start of the trail and so begins their quest.

It starts out normal enough then one night, they start hearing music in the forest. Sadly, it isn't this:



Or this:



Or even this:



Instead it's, well, 1940's music. And everybody is weirded out and fascinated by this. But around day 2 of hearing it non-stop, it starts driving people a bit crazy. And then things start breaking down when the brother kills his sister over something stupid and it's not just a simple kill, he goes NUTS, even ripping her leg off. Soon it's revealed that the brother was slowly going crazy and wrote down a bunch of gibberish in his logs that were suppose to be used to get back home.

Then things get creepier when the music suddenly gets louder, then softer, then it sounds like someone suddenly removed the needle, and then the sound gets crazy for a good solid five minutes where there's nothing but a piercing screeching noise. It comes to an end when they find the sister's body all mangled and posted like a scarecrow. The brother manages to escape.

Realizing things are getting fucked, some people want to go a different direction than North. This includes the wildlife guy and Liv, who reveals she lied about her Grandfather and just wanted to come along for fun. So they split up, then Teddy and Melissa fuck and then THEY split up and soon the pointless girls eats all the candy and kills herself, leaving Melissa and the doctor alone.

Phew. I know I just dropped a lot on you, but I'm doing it at a much quicker pace than the movie. Eventually, wildlife guy and Liv eat some wild berries, get high, and soon wildlife guy wants Liv to kill him, which she does. The brother kills Melissa, while the doctor kills himself, and Liv kills the brother and-

Fuck, we need a flowchart for this movie.

Make sense now?

Ok, so now it's just Teddy and he's crawling along until...he gets to the movie theater. A creepy guy comes out, tells him he's made it to the end and to go take a seat, his "picture" is about to begin. Then we get some ghosts sitting in the theater while Melissa's dead body flashes on the screen and Teddy freaks out and that's pretty much it.

I know I go on and on about slow paced movies where NOTHING happens for a stretch, but here it actually kinda worked. I will admit my biggest fear is getting lost in the woods and not only were they lost but fucking creepy old timey music started playing and the fact it wasn't explained why the town went down the path to begin with, if maybe this is exactly what happened to begin with, and just the fact people were calmly going crazy. This movie really isn't for everybody and I probably won't watch it again but I think considering the small amount of money they had, they came up with a good spooky story and made an interesting looking film.



-Jason

Shark Attack Blog-A-Thon(g): Sharktopus

Oh...Roger Corman. How I love thee. You been making movies since the 1950's and you don't show any signs of slowing down. And I love how that name is so popular that I shouldn't have to explain who the man is. He's so famous that regular smucks who want to make, say, a giant shark/octopus movie go to him for tips on how to make it under budget. Cause really, who's gonna give a movie about a hybrid shark/octopus ANY money? Syfy? PFFT!!

Anyway. "Sharktopus".

Film starts in L.A as a bunch of hot people run around a beach. Two girls are arguing over texting while on the beach. One girl gives up and goes into the water. Many gratuitous shots of girl getting wet when we see....a regular shark. Oh. Maybe it's gonna fuck an octopus and-

Oh no. The sharktopus, or S-11 as it's called in the movie, appears, kills the shark, giving the hot girl enough time to get back to land. We find out S-11 was created by Eric Roberts and his hot daughter Nicole. They created it for the Navy as a way to chase bad guys in International waters. But it's not suppose to kill anyone just hunt them and scare them a bit.

But Eric Roberts said "fuck that shit! I'm Eric Roberts!" and redesigned the sharktopus to KILL! KILL! KILL!!!!! So needless to say, it breaks loose. Eric Roberts wants the creature back and will do ANYTHING to get it back ALIVE! So he hires this guy named Andy who use to work for him back in the day. But Andy demanded he actually gets paid to work so Eric Roberts fired him. Blah! Eric Roberts only hires slaves! Don't you know anything?

(God if anyone ever Googles "Eric Roberts slave" I'm gonna be a hit!)

Anyway, they send for Andy, who's partying it up in a pool with some babes. They tell him S-11 is out and Andy is like "give me half a million dollars and I'm in!" Meanwhile, the Navy wants Eric Roberts to hurry the hell up and capture the thing before it kills too many people and word gets around that the Navy let a creature loose.

We then meet Stacy, a hot reporter chick and her camera guy Bones. Stacy is looking for this guy named, I dunno, Drunky, who reported the sharktopus to her and now she's here to get her story. Drunky tells her everything she wants to know after Stacy made it rain. I'm not even kidding, she did a total "dude in a strip club" move when she was giving Drunky money.

In between these scenes, we get shots of the sharktopus killing random people, mainly on beaches and mainly while dangling from somewhere like a bungee cord and a zip line. And for whatever reason, Eric Roberts said "fuck this" and spends the rest of the movie on a yacht, just talking to Nicole on the phone while the movie turns into "24".

The following takes places between "chomp" and "gulp".

Nicole uses her laptop to track the S-11 and it doesn't do any fucking good cause she's always like "I lost the signal!" then it pops up behind them. One of Andy's friends gets killed by the sharktopus and he loses his mind and decides it's time to kill the fucker.

While Drunky takes Stacy to where he found the sharktopus, Stacy decides all of a sudden she doesn't believe in sharktopus'. WAIT! Then why the fuck are you there?!? Well, she believes again when it pops up, attacks some people on a beach, and then later eats Drunky.

We also meet Captain Jack, a DJ who opened his own radio station on his boat. He's played by Ralph Garman, if you know who that is. I guess it's super easy to start your own radio station. And he's got a hot producer chick who wears a bikini. She tells Jack about the sharktopus but he doesn't believe her until he gets eaten by it. NO! Who's Kevin Smith gonna tour with now?!

Eric Roberts just keeps getting drunk on his yacht, which I'm sure wasn't originally in the movie but y'know it's Eric Roberts, what the fuck you gonna do? When he finds out Andy is gonna kill the S-11, he goes to find Andy to stop him. But sadly, the sharktopus kills him. Before he dies, he tells Nicole how to kill the sharktopus, which involves some weird techy thing inside it's brain.

So all our "main" characters meet up finally and they team up to stop the sharktopus. But then the movie did something I wasn't expecting. It kills Bones and then Stacy! I was like "WOW!" we spent a lot of time with these people and they just die right here at the end?? AMAZING!

Andy manages to shoot the sharktopus and distract it while Nicole figures out Eric Robert's password. Try "booze"! That's probably it!! It's not, but you know what it is cause it's what he's been calling Nicole the entire movie: pumpkin. Yeah, he's one of THOSE fathers!

Anyway, the sharktopus explodes and that's it. Oh, there are two meta moments in the movie, one involving Jack and one at the end here. The one with Jack has him telling his hot producer chick that the whole "sharktopus" would make a great movie and it should be about a former researcher/Navy SEAL hired to track it down. And the one at the end is about the ending of the movie. It's kinda weird but awesome.

So this movie isn't anything special but holy fuck is it a lot of fun! It's really bad. I mean REALLY bad. It's full of corny lines, and Andy has a lot of scenes where he goes "DAMN YOU SHARKTOPUS!!" and everything. It's funny. I only wish this wasn't made for TV cause it could've used some nudity and some "fucks" or "motherfuckers" in there. But other than that, I say check this out sometime! It's fun!



And Nolahn of the Bargain Bin Review was nice enough to do a review of "Deep Blue Sea" for his site. I waited too long to post it and I apologize to him but now here it is in it's full glory!
-Jason

Shark Attack Blog-A-Thon(g): 2-Headed Shark Attack

Oh boy, buckle in, this is going to be an interesting ride. Yet again, made by the "fine" folks at The Asylum, this is a different take on the shark attack movie. And that different take is "what if a shark....HAD TWO HEADS!! DUDE!!!! Pass the bong..." I will admit the addition of a head is interesting but it's barely explained why or how it got two heads. I guess we're not suppose to care, we just want to see teenagers get chomped!

Before I get to that, let me tell you who's all in this movie. There's Jerry O'Connell...'s brother Charlie.

There's Hulk Hogan...'s daughter Brooke Hogan.

And there's Carmen Electra....oh that's it. Just Carmen Electra. And Carmen Electra is LITERALLY just there in the movie. I don't even know what her name was. The others I'm being lazy on and not bothering with their characters name but I swear to God she didn't have a name. All of her scenes entailed her standing on a boat in a bikini, showing off her cleavage, and looking off in the distance. FOR THE ENTIRE MOVIE!

So what's going on? Honestly, I don't get the set up. It's like Spring Break: The School. A bunch of college kids (I guess they're college?) are all in bikini's and swim trunks on a boat while Charlie O'Connell tells them what different ship instruments do. Cut to Brooke Hogan, who decides to be the sarcastic bitch during the movie. This wouldn't be too bad except she's suppose to be our hero!

We meet the other kids, which include every stereotype you can think of. There the muscle bound juice head who I'm sure The Asylum tried to get The Situation to play. There's the "nerdy" guy who reminded me of the guy who got arrested in the beginning of "Super Troopers". ("Snozzenberries takes like snozzenberries!"). There's the wound tight SUPER bitchy chick who seems to hate everyone. And...the rest. I'm gonna point out right now that all the girls in this movie were fucking hot as hell. And they were in bikini's the entire movie. AND there was a lot of running. That's all I'm gonna say, I don't wanna lose the little female followers I do have.

Anyway, they're on this boat doing I don't even know what when the two headed shark shows up, rams into the boat, causing it to crack the hull and take in water. My confusion isn't helped any when there's ANOTHER chick who's steering the boat and I dunno who she was suppose to be. She was pretty hot, but holy fuck a horrible actress. Actually, EVERYBODY in this movie was horrible, so I guess that's a moot point.

The random chick tells Charlie O'Donnell that it'll take a day to fix the crack in the boat. One of the random students spots an island nearby, so they decide to go there while the boat is being fixed. Then it kinda reminded me of a slasher movie. You got your dumb students, roaming around a deserted island, they THINK it's deserted, but a killer is stalking them! And the island is seriously something out of "Lost", there's houses and whatnot all over. If they find a hatch, I'm out of here!

Of course, they separate to look around at stuff. One guy goes with two girls and they get in the water, take their clothes off, and all three start making out. Wow! This is the best day of this guy's life! Too bad he has to die CHOMP MOTHAFUCKA!!!

Oh the random girl on the boat fixing the break also gets eaten. Her scenes are hilarious cause The Asylum couldn't either afford to film underwater or the girl didn't know how to swim so not only was the shark CGI, but so was the girl and it was like watching Pixar's "2-Headed Shark Attack" with John Ratzenberger as the shark.

"Heeey, uh, I'm gonna eat if you that's alright."

There's a lot of scenes of the students being stupid and the Fake Situation being a royal douchebag and trying to grope Brooke Hogan all the time. Meanwhile, Carmen Electra is just sunbathing on the boat. Eventually two crew people on the boat realize the random girl is dead and freak out. The island starts shaking and Charlie barely scrapes his knee and suddenly he can't walk. There's all kinds of crazy shit going on!

Turns out the island is an atoll and it's slowly sinking. While roaming the island, the students find two motorboats and of course Brooke Hogan knows how to fix them. Of course! She fixes them, Situation creates a situation by taking one for himself and leaving everybody behind to join The Others. Brooke Hogan goes "OH HELL NO BROTHER!" and chases after him.

So you know what's coming, I knew what was coming, but it took so god damn long! Finally, Situation Douche manages to get two people from his boat to fall into the water and get chomped by the shark. Everyone freaks out about the shark having two heads and goes back to the sinking island/atoll.

Realizing that sharks are attracted to electric energy, they create a big power source to distract the shark while the ship is finished being repaired. Who's gonna repair the hole in the boat? Why, Brooke Hogan of course! Man, her resume is impressive.

1998-2000: Boat repair
2001-2005: Welder extraordinaire!
2005-2011: Started wearing low cut bikini's and realized guy will give me money to do anything so screw those other things!

So Brooke and Douchiuation (I'm running out of words, thankfully this review is almost over) go to the boat, Brooke fixes the hole and when he gets the signal it's fixed, HE decides to steal the boat. Oh good job, asshole.

But even if he didn't steal the boat, and the others got on and headed to freedom, they wouldn't have lasted too long cause the shark start ramming into the boat, causing it to finally sink. And of course Situdouche dies. Thank god, cause I am now out of ways to combine Situation and douche.

Not knowing what to do, Brooke goes back to the island and everybody just sorta gives up and prepares to die. Charlie and Carmen face the shark head on and before they get chomped, they kiss. Wow, I bet he couldn't wait for that scene. The other students start running when the island finally falls into the water and the shark comes after them. There's a funny scene where a guy takes a cross from a church that was on the island and starts wailing on the shark with it. Talk about telling somebody about Jesus.

Anyway, all the minor students with one or two lines all get chomped and it's just Brooke and the nerdy guy left. They tried to blow it up with a gas can but their lighter got wet and wouldn't lit. Brooke Hogan remembers she's the daughter of a wrestler and decides to wrestle it! Ok, not really, but that'd be awesome. What she does instead, and I'm being serious this time, is just STAB THE SHIT OUT OF IT like a crazed O.J! It does some damage but it isn't until the shark eats a motorboat that it decides to blow up randomly. And thanks to a transponder on the sinking boat, the Coast Guard comes to save Brooke and the nerdy guy. The end.

Phew. This is one of those movies that's so bad it's hard to describe how bad it is. you just need to see this for yourself. Compared to the other The Asylum shark movies, this one is still bad in execution but kind of a lot of fun. It's a "bad movie night" type of movie. Plus if you're a guy, there's lots and lots and LOTS of tits to look at. The Asylum pretends they don't know what they're doing, but really, they do.

This rating is on entertainment value ALONE.



-Jason

The Initiation

I've never been to what I guess you'll call a "real college". Y'know, the type where you move away from home, the campus is the size of a city, there's parties every weekend, and of course there's fraternities and sororities. If I ever did go to a real college, I certainly would never try to be in an fraternity, since majority of guys in frats are royal douchebags. But I picture it exactly how Asher Roth describes it.

Anyway, "The Initiation". It stars Daphne Zuniga, who I know as Princess Vespa from "Spaceballs" but most non-nerds might know her from "Melrose Place". I've never seen "Melrose Place" but apparently I'm missing out. Anyway, Clu Gulager is also in this movie. I just felt like pointing that out.

The start of the movie shows a little girl in bed waking up. She gets out of bed, walks to her parents bedroom where she spots two people fucking in a way you really only see in pornos. The woman getting fucked is surprised to see the girl and stops with the sex. Then it gets confusing for a moment when another guy in a suit shows up out of nowhere, fights the guy fucking the woman, then suddenly is lit on fire. The woman carries the little girl away as the guy burns to what I assume was death.

Then Daphne Zuniga wakes up and she's an adult in a sorority, pledging for them. It's the start of their "hell week". Oh shit, NOT again! Stay away, Linda Blair! Anyway, Daphne IS Kelly, a rich girl in a rich family. Her dad is Clu Gulager and he owns several businesses, including a mall. Megan, the head of the sorority, wants Kelly to steal her dad's keys to the mall so they can sneak in one night and pull a prank.

Then out of nowhere it turns into "One Flew Over The Cuckoo's Nest". We go to a sanitarium and the bitchy nurse walks through just being a bitch to all the crazy people, really for no reason. To prove she's a bitch, she yells at a gardener FOR NO REASON! He's just gardening and she goes "HEY STOP GARDENING AND GO BACK TO MEXICO! Oh you're white and you're a patient here. I'm sure nothing will happen to me then."

Hey guess what? Later that night she's killed by a gardening tool. Good job, Nurse Bitch. Clu Gulager gets a call that some inmates escaped the sanitarium. So he owns that place too? Well, this is revealed later on. For now, the movie is going to lay it on pretty thick.

Kelly confides in her hunky teacher (who sorta looks like Andrew McCarthy) that she keeps having that messed up dream from earlier. But then she got amnesia when she was 12 and couldn't remember anything before then. OH BOY I KINDA SORTA KNOW WHERE THIS IS GOING BOY HOWDY!!

So yeah, I'm shouting the entire movie "THAT'S NOT A DREAM, THAT'S A MEMORY!" but the movie wants to play this game, so we'll play along. *sigh* GOSH what a weird "dream"! You should get hooked up to some machines and have this "DREAM" analyzed! GOD THIS FUCKING DREAM IS SO WEIRD THAT IT COULDN'T POSSIBLY HAPPEN IN REAL LIFE!!!

Oh yeah, the hunky teacher's assistant looks like this:

It's a wonder anyone got laid in the '80s.

Kelly's mother doesn't approve of Kelly getting this "dream" figured out and reveals that her real last name is something else. The teacher thinks Kelly has multiple personalities but the real thing is much more lamer. In fact, if you can figure it out by now, just say it out loud.

Yeah, you're probably right.

The little stuff in this movie is awesome. Like this one royal douchebag who's in love with Kelly, but she keeps turning him down, so he hooks up with Megan, the head of the sorority, who's a royal bitch in her own right. There's also a chick named Marcia who's a virgin and she's dating this dude named Ralph, who's suppose to be funny. To prove this, they go to some costume party and Ralph decides to dress like a dick.

I mean literally he's a giant dick. Just look!

The movie gets sorta weird at this party, with people just saying weird random things and not really figuring into the whole "killer" angle. But speaking of, it's revealed that Clu Gulager is cheating on Kelly's mom with someone and as he's about to go meet her, our killer kills him. Aww no! I like Clu Gulager! He's a bad ass!

So anyway, it's finally the night of the prank. Kelly's got the keys and she gives them to Megan. Megan tells Kelly and the other girls who are being pranked they have to go into this mall, find the security guard, and steal his uniform. Sounds simple enough. Especially when the security guard looks like this:

It's like this guy said "Y'know, I wanna be a human living '80s cliche!" He even wore cowboy boots! He probably came to work in a Member's Only jacket, blasted some Flock of Seagulls or Dexy's Midnight Runners in his Testarossa. If only he was featured more in this movie. Sadly, he gets killed.

So Kelly, Marcia, and a slutty girl are running around this mall looking for the security guard. Megan tells the douchy guy she's with and Ralph to sneak in and scare the girls cause THIS is the real prank. Oh boy. Anyway, this whole sequence takes about 45 minutes but I can sum it up real quick: everybody who isn't Kelly gets killed.

Oh! But before Marcia is killed, she reveals to everybody that she was raped when she was 12 and that's why she's cold about sex, NOT cause she's a virgin. Everyone feels real bad about this, including me, but holy fuck did it take FOREVER to tell us that, when we saw it coming at the words "when I was a kid..."

Ralph takes this as his cue to go ahead and fuck the pain out of Marcia, and it works. Then Ralph gets killed. Man, this chick is gonna have major issues later in life. She's raped as a kid, then her NEXT sexual experience the guy is killed immediately afterwards. She might as well just cut her hair short now and wear plaid. (Lesbian stereotypes FTW!!!) (My apologizes to lesbians everywhere.)

Anyway, it's just Kelly and Marcia left. They hide in a freight elevator thinking the killer won't find them there. But no, he does. Kelly opens the elevator and instead of grabbing onto Marcia like you normally see in horror movies, Kelly fucking leaves Marcia behind as she hauls ass to the door. At some point Kelly goes "Oh yeah Marcia" and turns around but too late: Marcia's dead. Oh well. Sorry lesbians.

Ok so the weird looking assistant to Not Andrew McCarthy figures out what the deal with Kelly is. Hey guess what? It's not a dream, it's a memory. YOU DON'T FUCKING SAY?!?!?!?!?! This really happened when Kelly was a kid. The guy fucking her Mom wasn't Kelly's Dad! Kelly's Dad is the guy who showed up out of nowhere and gets burnt. So yes, Clu Gulager was the other guy and HE ends up cheating on Kelly's Mom.

Man, soap opera's aren't this confusing.

Oh wait it gets better. Kelly's REAL dad was in that sanitarium from earlier and he escaped. Oh and he's the crazy gardener guy. Oh snap! So Not Andrew McCarthy shows up at Kelly's Mom's house and I love the way he talks to her. It's like he was instructed to tell a mentally challenged chimp to use the phone.

"MRS. KELLY! YOU!! YOU RIGHT THERE! ARE GOING TO CALL, WITH THIS PHONE, THE POLICE! YOU KNOW! THE POLICE!!! CALL THEM!!! CALL! No Mrs. Kelly, don't fling your poop. Mrs. Kelly..."

So Not Andrew McCarthy shows up at the mall and spots Kelly. But Kelly is wearing different clothes. And we see her on the roof getting chased by her dad. And Kelly hits her dad with a pipe, causing him to fall off the roof and go crashing down on the ground. But....

SPOILER ALERT Kelly has a twin sister and she's FUCKING CRAAAAAAAAAZY!!!!!! SHE'S the one going around killing everybody cause she's jealous of Kelly's life. That's it. That's all. So now that I'm royally let down, it's time for Kelly to kill her sister she FORGOT she had.

Ok, I swear a soap opera writer wrote this movie.

Despite the lame twist, this movie is alright. It's not really special, but it is good for a few laughs. The last half of the movie in the mall takes FOREVER and you just get mad at everybody for being so stupid. It's on Netflix Instant Watch, I say give it a go. There are FAR worse movies you could subject yourself to. And if you wanna have fun, have a party where you watch this movie and you dress up like the security guard.

And if you do, PLEASE take a picture of yourself doing so and send it to me. My email is off to the right.


(Mainly for the security guard and the fact there were tits galore in this movie. Otherwise I would've gave it a  2.)
-Jason