Tuesday, February 13, 2007

Wow! A Movie About A Murderous Hitchhiker!! How New and Exciting!!

I realize that I haven't actually been writing in this thing for a couple of weeks now. I thought of some things to write about, then I realized that I would come across as one of those loser types who find one thing to complain about and immedately "blog" about it and then sit back and go "TAKE THAT!" And I don't wanna be made fun of by the "cool hip people" who use the internet to look at porn and the website "SOMETHING AWFUL".

Then I realized I wrote a blog about boycotting the "Rise of Taj" movie and decided to move on with my life and realize that I am a blog/internet geek. So here we go.

You'll never guess what's gonna be remade now? Here's a hint:
Plot Outline: While driving through the desert, two college students pick up a hitchhiker with murderous plans in store.

Does this sound familar? Well, here's the plot outline for the original:
Plot Outline: A young man who escaped the clutches of a murderous hitch-hiker is subsequently stalked, framed for the hitcher's crimes, and has his life made into hell by the same man he escaped.

In the off-chance you were born after on or after 1986, this wonderful and delightfully creepy ass movie is called The Hitcher.

THEY'RE REMAKING THE FUCKING HITCHER! I mean come on! How do you do any better than Rutger Hauer terrorizing C.Thomas Howell? This is just fuckin frustrating.

Then it dawned on me. I have looked into the giant Pensieve, saw the meeting with Hollywood types from a long time ago, and I have the answer. They are remaking movies that are barely 20 years old...for the younger generation!!

Think about it. Pretend you're a 16 year old in 2006. (If you are 16 years old, why are you here? This is for ADULTS ONLY! BOOBIES! See? SCRAM KID!) You see a trailer for a movie about a crazy hitchhiker who stalks a guy and frames him for murders and shit and you're probably gonna go "HOLY SHIT! THIS IS A NEW IDEA!! I'M SEEING THIS MOVIE ON FRIDAY NIGHT IF MY GAY PARENTS WILL LET ME!! LOLZ!!!" So this movie gets 500 million dollars opening weekend cause a bunch of teenagers who have no fuckin' clue about movies prior to 1986 (or whenever they were born) existing. They could remake "Wizard of Oz" and be like "Wow! This is new!"

At least that is what Hollywood believes. I, on the other hand, know better. A few 16 or 17 year old kids contact me on myspace cause they're into movies or b-movies. Some of them even know what MST3K is and that's fuckin' awesome. So I know these 16 or 17 year olds (I was only kidding about the scramming) are smart enough to know this is yet another film added to the list that is "unnecessary remakes" and probably know of the 1986 kickass film already, might of even already seen it. Oh and there are these things called "video stores" too.

So I think we need to lay off the remakes. Well, ok, everyone's been saying that for the past 10 years or so. So I'll reword it.

Hollywood, hire me already! I have new, fresh, orginal ideas!! Cause this shit needs to stop. Like NOW! It's worse enough Michael Bay is gonna ruin TRANSFORMERS (That's for another blog), but we gotta deal with him raping one of the greatest scary movies of all time. I can only hope a flu epidemic like in "The Stand" will hit, then after the apocolypse, we can start Hollywood over again and make movies that haven't been made before.

Here's the imdb for this horrible remake:

And here's the imdb for the awesome what's gonna be called "original" now:

And please, please, PLEASE if you haven't seen the "original" (God this is gonna suck) see it now!

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