Wednesday, September 02, 2009
Oh, Borders, You Never Fail To Amaze
Gory Gory Hallejuah
Originally written on 5/20/07
I found this movie randomly at Borders one day a few months back. The price was like $22 or something, which was kinda steep for me then. But this was a movie that I just had to get and see. I can't pass up a movie about four actors who all want to play Jesus in a play who end up on a road trip and get caught in a super religious town.
I just can't.
The movie starts with four actors all up for the part of Jesus in a stage play called "The Greatest Play Ever Written". All the actors aren't your typical people when you think of the role of Jesus. But then again if Willem Dafoe can play Jesus, I suppose anyone can.
First we have the bi-sexual hippie Sky who talks like Keanu Reeves. Then Rahim, the militant black dude with an afro. Joshua, who is Jewish. And finally Jessie, who is a woman. And a hot one at that. They each do a piece for the director, who was kinda sorta impressed with all them, except Joshua, even though he pointed out that Jesus was in fact a Jew. The director tells these four to take off and he's gonna play Jesus his damn self.
Rejected, they decide to buddy up and go on a road trip to New York where auditions for Jesus Christ Vampire Hunter, er no, Superstar are being held. They get on their motorcycles that they got out of nowhere and hit the road.
Later that night they make a pit stop where they all smoke weed and Sky does the sexy-time with Jessie. Rahim and Josh leave and go to a bar but they come back saying Josh's "neck thingy" which was a symbol of his Jew-hood or something was stolen by a roughneck gang of thugs.
So all four go back to the bar and find the worst thing imaginable: a bar full of Elvis impersonators! Seriously. The main one, who weighs in at 600 pounds, is the one who stole the necklace. When our four heroes confront the real, real fat Elvis a big brawl breaks out. Did I mention one of the Elvis' was a midget? You haven't lived until you see a midget Elvis kick a black guy's ass.
The fat Elvis starts to rape Jessie, who finds a corkscrew and stabs him in the dick with it, killing him. Josh finds his necklace and they all get the fuck outta there. The next day, they find themselves in the city of Jackville, which is a super religious right-wing town. Sky goes to the bathroom where another guy is in there. He comments on the size of Sky's dick and Sky is interested.
But this turns out to be a undercover bust and all four are arrested and taken to the local church, which also serves as the jail and the courthouse. While in "jail", they meet Mo Jack, a kind elderly black dude who gives them food. He's like a washed up Uncle Remus in a way.
The townspeople have a meeting and they decide to use the four wannabe Jesus' to help them with some stupid plan that turns out to be the main plot of the movie. I'm not really sure I totally understand the main plot myself so talking about it is gonna make it kinda hard for me.
The next day the judge tells the four prisoners that they are to be released individually to different people in the town. Rahim is released to the Preacher, Jessie is released to some lady named Prudence, Sky is released to Mo Jack, and Josh is sent to some "secret" place.
The "secret" place is a whorehouse that's off in the woods somewhere. Josh meets Mary Ann there and proceeds to bone her. Rahim is made to dress up like Aunt Jemima (no kidding) and make dinner. Jessie is gassed and dragged to the woods where she wakes up and finds she's being inducted into a feminist group where all the women of the town proceed to have lesbian sex with each other. Sky is just chillin' with Mo Jack when he decides to escape. But he makes a wrong turn somewhere and runs across some mountain boys who proceed to "have their way" with him, which I'm sure he didn't totally mind.
The preacher fills us in on the complicated plot. Rahim, Jessie, and Josh all have to testify against Sky, who will then testify against Mo Jack, who lives in a shack off in the hills somewhere with his dead relatives. And a goat. The preacher is looking for some rod that was sent from Heaven and with the rod the "true leader" will lead his people to glory. And the preacher thinks the rod is on Mo Jack's land.
So the trial starts the next day and since Jessie, Josh, and Rahim have all be brainwashed, they all blame Sky and are let go. Sky is then put on trial and Ralph Peed, the fancy lawyer in this town, tricks Sky into saying that Mo Jack is evil and/or the devil or something. So now Mo Jack is on trial.
The preacher and Rahim leave for Mo Jack's place where they start digging for the rod, which they find. Jessie has a change of heart and tells the judge she was forced to lie about Sky, but Prudence calls her a witch and the townspeople grab her and proceed to burn her.
Then the world comes to an end.
Which really means zombies just come all out of nowhere and start attacking the townspeople. Rahim thinks he was the one chosen to lead since 90% of the zombies are black, but he's mistaken. The true leader is Mo Jack, who was killed at first but now he is risen. When a zombie kills Mary Ann, Josh is all heart broken and wants God to kill him too, which He does. Joe, the deputy, is killed and his wife shoots Sky, cause she blames him for all of this, for some reason.
Jessie is the last of the four to be alive and the epilogue shows her writing in a diary telling us she's been in this zombie town for three days with no food or water...then she dies. But Mo Jack, who is now risen, brings everyone back to life and they all perform a dance number.
I like it when movies decide not to take themselves seriously, and this movie TOTALLY doesn't take itself seriously. It was actually really funny and it kept my interest the entire time and when the zombies came all out of nowhere I was delighted cause I like when zombies appear out of nowhere. I think other movies should have zombies just appear out of nowhere. Sure "Goodfellas" is good, but how much more awesome would've been if zombies came out of nowhere?