Saturday, March 27, 2010

Jason on Jason: Friday the 13th Part 5: A New Beginning


At long last, I finally seen Part 5! The world can rejoice!!

The beginning of this film shows Corey Feldman, as Tommy Jarvis, walking through a rainy forest and coming upon the crappily made grave of Jason Voorhees. He's staring at it when two random rednecks show up. Tommy hides while the rednecks dig up the grave. Instead of it being 6 feet it's more like 6 inches as after two scoops of dirt, they found the coffin.

The rednecks open the coffin and Jason comes to life and kills the rednecks. He climbs out of the coffin and starts creepin' towards Tommy. And that's when Corey Feldman's contract ran up cause now we focus on teenager Tommy waking up. This Tommy looks like a strung out James Van Der Beek. He's in a van going to some place in the woods (of course). The placen ends up being a home run by Matthew and Pam. The home is sort of like a halfway house between the mental institution and living on your own in the real world. Tommy is sent to live there.



Tommy's not doing too good after what happened at the end of part 4. He just kinda sits around and stares, not talking to anyone. Tommy should fit right in!

Tommy finds his room and meets Reggie aka Reckless. I'm sure that name will come into play later. While Tommy's getting use to the place, the police pull up with two of Matthew's residents. It turns out the neighbor Mrs. Hubbard caught them fucking on her property. To prove the point, Mrs. Hubbard and her son Junior appear on Junior's motorbike. These two...you'll meet them later a bit better.

Just know that Mrs. Hubbard and Junior aren't exactly right in the head.

So Tommy's adjusting to life in this house while everyone wants to screw. The resident "slow guy" named Joey is being a pain to everyone. Some other guy named Victor is chopping wood (with an ax che-che-che-che ha-ha-ha-ha) and Joey annoys him so much that Victor plants the ax into Joey. No one seemed bothered by this.

Tommy meanwhile, keeps seeing Jason standing in places and passes it off as "time to take the meds!" Reggie, meanwhile, begs his grandfather to let him to see his brother in town. Grandfather thinks about this. I mention this for a reason.

Later at night, one of the guys that transported Tommy to the home is off duty and picking up a waitress named Lana. I mention this cause it seems like weird/pedo-lookin' guys in these movies seems to get hot chicks. And Lana is the first to show boobs in this movie. Anyway, both get killed by an unseen killer. Hmmm....

The next day, the two horny residents decide to go off and screw somewhere and the chick here has real nice tits so when she finally showed them, I was quite happy. This movie is looking up. Unfortunately, she flashed her ax wound to Jason before he gave her another one.

So now it's later that night and Matthew is wondering where the horny kids are at. Reckless wants to go see his brother named, and I'm not kidding here, "Demon". I guess Pam is taking him. Matthew thinks it's a good idea to take Tommy with. I think all this time we were suppose to think Tommy was doing the murders, what with not showing who's doing the killing. So bringing him along with a kid and a woman is a good idea. While Pam is away, Matthew is away looking for the horny kids, so the other stock characters are left by themselves to do things like this:



Yeah, I dunno what the fuck that was.

So Pam takes Reckless to meet Demon and, again I'm not shitting you, Demon LIVES IN A VAAAAAN!!!!! DOWN BY THE SHITTER!!!!!! Demon and Reckless have a tearful reunion while Demon offers Reckless and Pam such culinary treats as enchiladas, pizza, and egg rolls. Somehow, Demon has a chick who looks like Rhianna in the 80's. Looking up this Demon guy, he's played by Miguel A. Nunez, Jr, who you might know as "Juwanna Man" and "Sticks" from "Leprechan 4: In Space".

While the Lifetime Channel-riffic reunion is happening, Junior Hubbard shows up and taunts Tommy. Tommy, who is no Chuck Norris, handles himself quite nicely. He beats the shit out of Junior and Junior goes running. He runs back home and, again I'm not shitting you, this scene happens:



Alright, that should be the last video I have for you.

Tommy got upset from the beating of Junior that he goes running off. Pam breaks up the greatest brother reunion I've ever seen on film to go after Tommy. Not 20 seconds after they left, Demon says he's gotta take a shit. He runs to a tin foil outhouse, where 80's Rhianna plays a trick on him by shaking it. Not amused by this, Jason kills them both. Or Tommy. Someone kills them.



Pam gets to the house to drop Reggie off and one of the other kids with a stuttering problems tries to fuck another girl but she laughs in his face. It's ok, J-J-J-JUNIOR, you gonna get killed by Jason anyway. Pam is out looking for Matthew, Tommy, AND the horny kids while Jason kills the other stock characters in the house.

Reggie wakes up and finds a pile of dead bodies in Tommy's room. Pam returns and finds them as well and is about to leave when...TAA-DAA!!! Jason arrives like the Kool-Aid man! Hey MURDER!!

So it's your standard "Jason chases the survivors, one of which is a girl" and this girl isn't wearing a bra. In fact, none of the girls that showed their tits in this movie was wearing a bra. Was the 80's the new '60's where women didn't wear bras? I don't really remember, I was 7 when this movie came out. I thought girls were yucky.



Eventually, Reggie gets a CDL license and drives a tractor through Jason. Of course Pam and Reggie has to stand in front of his body so he can come back to life and go after them once more. They hide in a barn where Pam finds a motherfuckin' chainsaw! Yeah!! This Final Girl takes no shit!!!



But Pam fucked around too long and the chainsaw ran out of gas. Reggie boos this off to the side. Then...Tommy shows up? WHA??? So Tommy isn't Jason. I guess Jason is Jason. So why "A New Beginning"? I didn't know they had reboots in the '80's. Again, I was 7. I was wearing boots.

Anyway.

Tommy confronts Jason, but Jason isn't taking no shit and proceeds to stab him. Tommy does some stabbing himself with a pocket knife so huge, Rambo would be like "Whoa dude, you crazy or something?" The fight leads to the second story of this barn, where Jason eventually falls off and lands on some spikey thing that randomly came out of nowhere. Jason is dead and his mask fell off revealing that it's NOT JASON BUT....some dude. HUH???

TURNS OUT! (SPOILER IF YOU CARE)



The dude is named Roy. He appeared in all of two scenes earlier in the movie. He was a paramedic. Roy turned out to be the father of Joey and was pissed about the death of his son, so he went crazy and wanted to kill all the house residents. He disguised himself as Jason cause he read about him in the paper and thought it'd be a great cover, since Tommy was there and everything. So that's settled.

Tommy is in the hospital now and he keeps having dreams about Jason. Tommy wakes up and finds Jason's mask in a dresser drawer. He takes it and looks at it, whistfully (See, I could write romance novels if I wanted to) until he hears footsteps coming down the hall.

Outside is Braless Pam and she hears a crash. Running in, she sees Tommy did a "One Flew Over The Cuckoo's Nest" and threw something big through the window and escaped. OR DID HE!

Well he didn't. He's standing behind Pam wearing the mask and holding a knife. To be continued...

So I guess "New Beginning" means Tommy is NOW the new Jason. I can't wait for Part 6. If I can find the fucker.

Some things to note quickly:
-During the Lana/Topless scene in the diner, she hears a noise and goes to investigates and yes fucking yes a cat literally comes flying out of nowhere. Where the fuck did a cat come from FROM INSIDE THE DINER??
-There's a brief mention that Jason, the real Jason, was cremated. So can't wait to see how that comes into play in the later movies.
-The horny chick was hot.

Overall, this movie was so stupid it was a lot of fun to watch. You can see when Jason finally appears, it's not really Jason cause this Jason was all skinny and kinda scrawny, whereas the Real Jason was all thick and meaty. Everything else is just your typical "Friday the 13th" movie so I wasn't expecting a whole lot. But I was surprised.
Now everybody, do the lame robot dance!

-Jason

1 comment:

TheGreatWhiteDope said...

Oh man, you've just seen the "Highlander II: The Quickening" of the "Friday the 13th" films! And without even the calming ingredient of superfluous Sean Connery added!

"Part V" doesn't really have anything to do with any of the other films before or since. Egad, did "Halloween III" teach us nothing???

Well, at least you seem to have escaped it unscathed, so kudos to you for surviving it!