Jason on Jason: Friday the 13th Part 7: The New Blood

You have to wonder what people think when they are filming a movie thats PART 7 to something. But this 7th outing has an interesting cast. You got Bernie from "Weekend at Bernies" and...well, that's about it. Other people looked familar but looking at imdb doesn't bring up anything.



Anyway. The first 5 minutes is a rehash of everything from part 4 to part 6. We revisit how Tommy in part 6 tied a chain around Jason and sunk him to the bottom of Crystal Lake. After the credits roll, we go to Crystal Lake and a couple is arguing inside a cabin house. A little girl, named Tina, hears this and gets upset and runs out to a boat and goes to the middle of the lake. Tina's dad runs out to stop her but Tina yells stuff at her dad, including "I wish you dead!" Soon, the entire unstable pier collapses, killing Daddy.



Like Tommy in part 5 and 6, the teenage version wakes up from this dream/memory. She's in the car with her mom, who looked familar but all I saw was she did a shit-ton of voice over work, including "Jem" and "Transformers". I don't know how you go from doing that to part 7 in a movie franchise. Well, unless you got a shitty agent.

Mom and Tina are driving back to their childhood cabin home at Crystal Lake. So I'm guessing the dad dying happened before Jason's reign of terror. Tina was in a mental hospital, trying to deal with the fact she might've killed her dad, using telekinesis.

Yes, I said telekinesis.

And OF COURSE, their old cabin is next door to a WILD party going on by some teenagers. If it was an old couple who retired there 25 years ago I would've been surprised. Or thought I was watching "The Waltons".

At the wild party is a bunch of teenagers, I guess, and they all have names but does it really matter? There's the Nerd, the Stoner, the Bitch, the Shy Girl, and the two or three people who die in the next five minutes. And surprisingly enough, a black couple. Now THAT'S something you don't see often.





Waiting for Tina at the old house is Dr. Crews (Bernie) and he's trying to help Tina get through her problem, ok not really. He's trying to exploit her telekinesis for whatever reason. It's not really explained. And yes, she really does have it. She makes things moves and even lights matches on fire.

So how does Jason fit into all this, you're wondering? Well, he's chained up RIGHT OUTSIDE THEIR FUCKING HOME, in the lake, with severe water damage. Tina goes outside all upset and thinks her daddy is still in the lake. Uh, I'm sure they fished him out how ever many years ago, sweetheart. But she still tries to connect with him but instead she connects with Jason. He wakes up and the chain just snaps in half and now...



What, you didn't think I like Eminem?

Anyway, Jason returns and Tina faints. Now why Jason didn't kill her right then and there remains a mystery.

So now that you got the set up, let's go through this quickly with my patented Dash Points (TM):

-The party in the cabin is for a dude named Michael and it's his birthday. He and his girlfriend are hiking there and Jason kills them both.

-At the party, a dude named Nick liked Tina so brings her over to the party. Most of the people seem to like her except for Melissa, who is a major bitch.
-The stoner smokes weed.
-The nerd is trying to come up with the new Star Wars.
-The black people are having sex.
-Tina's Mom finds out Dr. Bernie is exploiting Tina and is pissed.
-Tina has psychic visions of Jason killing most of the teenagers at the party and freaks out.
-Melissa wants to fuck Nick, but he rebuffs her, so she tries to get it on with the Geek to make Nick jealous but this doesn't work.
-Pretty much everybody I just mentioned besides Tina and Nick are killed by Jason.
-The best kill from this movie has to be the black chick getting killed by a party favor. Awesome.
-Once everyone is whittled down to just Tina and Nick, Jason comes after them and Tina uses her psychic powers to kill Jason. I'm gonna reinstate that in case it got lost in this paragraph:

TINA TRIES TO KILL JASON USING PSYCHIC POWERS!!!

First she loosens a power line and electrocutes him. When that doesn't work, she throws tables, couches, bookcases, dead bodies, plants, plants with dead bodies in them, and my unemployed cousin at him. Oddly enough this doesn't stop him. I do wanna point out that Tina literally just stands there and THINKS hard while shit flies at Jason. This is the laziest Final Girl I've ever seen. She might as well just go upstairs and lay in bed while kicking Jason's ass.

Anyway, she causes stairs to collapse on him. His mask falls off and we get a good look at F13Pt7 Jason and it don't look good.



Tina makes a sandwich while psychically kicking Jason's some more. The fight ends up in a basement where Jason is covered in gas and soon lit on fire, which causes the entire house to explode. I guess Tina psychically turned the gas stove on or something.

Anyway, we think it's over but nope. Jason just suddenly appears and starts attacking Nick. Tina, mentally tired, tries one more thing and you aren't gonna believe this shit:

Tina again thinks about her father and holy fucking shit, she manages to raise her Dad from the grave, whose body was still in the water I guess, and he grabs Jason and pulls him under the water. And both Daddy and Jason simply vanish. Alrighty.

Well, that's about it. Tina and Nick just get transported to the hospital and it simply ends. No final twist. No quick jump scare. Nothing. I think they weren't sure a part 8 was coming. But you and I know better.

This movie is no Part 6. It's more like the first three films, I guess. But with psychics. I sense an upcoming sequel where Jason squares off with Miss Cleo. I mean, what is SHE doing lately? When you get to part 7 of a series, you tend to run out of things to say. I just can't wait till I get to Part 8. Now we're really into shit territory.

-Jason

Jason on Jason: Friday the 13th Part 6: Jason Lives

Z'Oh My God! This installment...I don't know what the dude that came up with this movie was thinking, in, on, or above when he came up with this movie. This movie is pretty much fucking retarded. Actually, it plays more like a spoof of a Jason. I don't even know.

Ignoring the ending of Part 5 where Tommy Jarvis went crazy, wore the Jason mask, and killed a girl, Tommy is riding in a truck with a friend named Ozzy and he's played by (hold on to your hocky masks for this) RON PALILLO! I watched this early in the morning so I had to convince myself I wasn't dreaming. But no. It's him.



Tommy is driving to Jason's grave "to make sure he's dead". Ozzy is there for the ride. They arrive at Jason's grave and I'm amazed that he got a gravestone made AND a coffin. You would think someone who got shot, stabbed, beat up, fell off high places, and drowned a shitload of times, they'd creamate him just to be on the safe side. And that's what Tommy is here to do, burn the body.



After digging the coffin up, during a thunderstorm, Tommy freaks out, grabs a metal pole from nearby and shoves it into Jason's body. This only happens so the next thing can happen: lighting hits the pole, re-animating Jason! Woo! Jason Zombie! And despite being dead all these years, his body held up rather well. Jason comes to life, kills Horshack, and is about to kill Tommy when Tommy runs away.

Tommy runs to the sheriff and tells him he bought Jason back to life. The sheriff doesn't believe him, knows he's Tommy Jarvis, and locks him up for the night. Meanwhile Jason is ready to start killing. Then I swear they spoof the James Bond opening by having Jason walk by in a circle, throws a machete, and the screen is covered in blood. Random parody for the win!

After the credit sequence, Jason starts killing. First it's two camp councilors heading to the new Camp Forest Green (Formerly Crystal Lake). The way these guys are killed is almost a parody. I swear the writer/director of this movie was writing a "Friday" spoof but it turned into an actual film in the series.

It's the next day and the sheriff is going to escourt Tommy to the county line and pretty much exile him. Before doing so, the sheriff's daughter and her friends come in. They're helping run the new Camp. Tommy goes on and on about Jason. Megan, the daughter, finds Tommy and his ranting attractive.

So the future victims all head to the camp and one thing that was presented in this movie that wasn't presented in any other movie was having kids at the camp. It seemed like the other movies either they were setting up to have the kids come or it was "dare we wonder by this area?"

There's also a weird scene where the Caretaker of the cemetary spots Jason's open grave. Realizing he'll get blamed for it (why?) he fills it back it, buring Horshack. Then the caretaker says "what do people think I am, a farthead?" Then it jumps to a scene with the kids yelling out "YEAH!!"

Was this written by those Friedman and Seltzer dudes? Jeez.

We also meet some office people roaming the woods, doing a paintball war game thingy. The dudes are being "killed" by a girl and one asshole isn't too happy about this. Thankfully, Jason comes along and teaches him some women's rights. Unfortuantely, he also kills the woman.



The sheriff is escourting Tommy to the borderline (My obsession with Jason falls on the borderline! Borderline!) but Tommy decides to prove he's right by going through the cemetary where...the old geezer already filled the hole. The caretaker denies the grave ever being open and the sheriff gets rough with Tommy. This is one long "I don't believe the guy that's right" set up.

It's later that night and one of the male councilors is getting it on with this annoying bitchy chick in an RV. Jason walks by and cause he hates sex, he cuts the lights off to the RV. The chick states she needs to get the RV back to her stepfather before he flips out and notices its missing. So I guess her stepfather is this guy?



Well, he's about to be even angrier. While dude and annoying chick are outside checking out why the power went out, Jason snuck into the RV. They go back in and while dude is driving like an asshole, Jason is killing the chick in the tiny ass bathroom. It's pretty funny actually. Then eventually, Jason kills the dude and the RV turns over. Jason stand atop the RV and yeah, this was suppose to be a spoof movie.



Some sideplot about an annoying little girl who can't sleep apparently happens and the other teenagers at the camp all get killed. Tommy, who was escourted to the borderline finally, just makes his way back. He gets some books on how to deal with the living dead (seriously) and has a plan.

The sheriff gets back and gets phone calls about all the dead bodies Jason's been leaving around and the sheriff thinks it's Tommy, so a manhunt begins for him. Megan finds out about the manhunt and when Tommy calls to talk to the sheriff (cause that worked swimmingly last time), he gets Megan and tells him she'll meet up with him to help.

Jason, meanwhile, shows up at the camp and slashes the rest of the teenagers. Megan picks up Tommy and they're about to go to the camp when the sheriff shows up with a roadblock. He handcuffs Tommy and locks him up when he gets a call about the RV murders. Even though Tommy was with Megan when it happened, sheriff locks Tommy up. But Tommy and Megan trick the deputy watching Tommy in letting him out.



The sheriff heads to the RV, then to the camp. Tommy and Megan also arrive at the camp and Jason and the sheriff meet head on. Before the sheriff can say "oh shit he was right" Jason kills him. Tommy is busy putting his plan in action. His big plan: Tie a chain around a boulder, then tie the chain around Jason and shove him into the lake.



Don't look at the screen like that, I didn't come up with that stupid plan.

Oddly enough, it sorta works. But Jason manages to strangle Tommy, Megan gets into the water and runs a motorboat propeller across Jason's face, which stops him, and oh Tommy didn't die. And the rock is holding Jason under the water. Why Jason doesn't just break the chains is anyone's guess. I mean they said early on when he came back from the dead, he was all different with superpowers. Hm, does that means Jason is...JESUS?? GASP!

Well, all recurrection aside, this movie was...weird. It was horrible and had tons of eye rolling moments but I enjoy those kind of things. I'll give to give this a middle of the road rating cause I enjoyed watching it but holy fuck was it stupid.

-Jason

Freddy's Coming For You! Freddy vs Jason

I contemplated about even including this in this blog-a-thon because I'm also slowly working my way back to you babe through all the Friday the 13th's, so it felt wrong to kinda jumped ahead. But how I looked at it was:
1. I'm at the point in time where it makes sense to review it now.
2. This movie doesn't have anything to do with the Jason timeline. Granted, a lot of the Ft13th movies don't have anything to do with the Jason timeline but this one REALLY doesn't.

So why not? That leaves one less movie I'll have to review later on down the road.

So. "Freddy vs Jason". This movie has been a long time coming. I remember hearing about this in the '90's, which is why one of the movies "Ft13th" movies ended the way it did, and I was fuckin' stoked. I couldn't wait. Then it was in development hell forever. Then finally, in 2003 I got my wish. I was there opening night.

And forgive me, but you all know I like bad stupid movies. I devote my life, a blog, and a website to them. I admit this isn't a good movie. But holy hell is it entertaining. The plot is pretty simple, really.

It's some undetermined amount of time later in Springwood. All the kids have forgotten about Dre Freddy and any that do remember him are given Hypnocil, the drug introduced in Part 3. Now you see why I mentioned it there. Freddy realizes this and needs to bring some fear onto Elm Street again. So he resurrects Jason and tells him, through the voice of Mrs. Vorhees, to go to Elm Street and start killing.

And killing he does. He kills douchebag Blake, who treats his girlfriend like shit, so much so that she's an alcholic at the tender age of 17. I'm guessing Drew Barrymoore was her role model. When they find Blake's body, all the cops think it's Freddy. Lead girl Lori (who has nice tits by the way) doesn't know who that is and is confused.





At the station, Lori has a dream that a girl is warning her about Freddy. Meanwhile, Lori's boyfriend Will and his friend Mark are locked up in an institution and are given Hypnocil. Will sees on the news that something happened at Lori's house and wants to know what happened. So he and Mark break out, pretty easily I might add.

One of Blake's friends (I forget his name...Ted? Alex?) falls asleep outside and dreams about Freddy, but Freddy isn't powerful enough to kill, so when Roger (maybe that's his name) wakes up, Jason is there to kill Steve and his Dad. Poor Carlos.

The next day at school, Lori finds out about Pablo dying as well and Will makes an apperance. Mark tells Lori that the guy she's dreaming about is Freddy, but before he can tell her any information, the cops show up. Will states he was sent to the intitution cause he saw Lori's Dad kill Lori's Mom and her Dad locked him up to shut him up.

Later that night, there's a rave in the cornfield (Freddy vs Jason vs The Children of the Corn, anybody? OUTLANDER!!!!) and Drunk Girl falls asleep and dreams her douchebag boyfriend is there and he leads her to Freddy's boiler room. Freddy stalks her around for a bit. In the real world, a douche raver tries to rape her. And Jason shows up and starts slashing people to bits, including Drunk Girl. This pisses Freddy off, since he's the one that was suppose to kill the kids. Lori, Will, Kelly Rowland (yeah, she's in this too), geek Lenderman, and Teenage Jason Mewes all hightail it in a super sweet van.




They go back to Mark's, who falls asleep. Freddy appears and tells him to pass a message along. Mark refuses to do so, so he dies, while branding the message on Mark's back. So now it's up to this Teen Gang to figure out what to do next. Meanwhile, a cop who's new in town feels left out for not knowing anything about Freddy and decides to get the Teen Gang's help.

The gang decide to get a shitload of hypnocil and take it so they don't dream about Freddy. The only place they know where it's at? The institution. So now they break in (pretty easily, remind me whenever I eventually snap and go crazy to get locked up in this place) to steal the pills. Teenage Jay decides to toke up...which puts him to sleep? I guess. Freddy manages to possess his body, dump out the hypnocil, and decides to take care of Jason by filling his body with tranquilizers.

Jason falls asleep and Freddy enters his dreams and Freddy just pounces on Jason's ass. Freddy soon learns that Jason is scared of water and uses this to his advantage. Lori knows all about pulling Freddy out of the dream and into her car, well van really, and goes under to get Freddy. Freddy, meanwhile, is busy drowning Jason. Before Kelly Rowland can give him mouth-to-mouth, he wakes up, causing the van to crash.



The van ends up at Camp Crystal Lake, where they were going, cause it's like 30 mintues away from Springwood I guess. Lori sees what really happens to her mom in her dream and before Freddy can kill her, she's woken up, bring Freddy with her into the real world, where Jason is ready.

Now it's the epic showdown we waited 15 years to see. And it's an awesome showdown. Lori decides to help Jason by torching the place. Jason cuts off Freddy's arms. It's an epic battle. Soon, the place is about to explode. Freddy pokes out Jason's eyes and they both go flying into the water when everything does explode. Of course Lori and Will are fine. I was glad to see Kelly Rowland get killed, she was annoying. And a horrible actress. Stick to singing.

Freddy comes back and is about to kill Lori when Jason returns, sticks Freddy's glove through Freddy's body, and finally, Lori chops off Freddy's head. NOW the fucker is dead. Jason let's Lori and Will live as he goes back to his watery grave. The end.

PHHHEEEWWW! I know I got one more to do tomorrow on the new movie but that'll be a piece of cake. This was rough, man. As for "Freddy vs Jason" I don't care what anyone says, I fuckin' love this movie. I love that it's horrible. I mean, fuck, I been waiting around for it forever. So, yeah, I don't care. I love it.

-Jason

Jason on Jason: Friday the 13th Part 5: A New Beginning

At long last, I finally seen Part 5! The world can rejoice!!

The beginning of this film shows Corey Feldman, as Tommy Jarvis, walking through a rainy forest and coming upon the crappily made grave of Jason Voorhees. He's staring at it when two random rednecks show up. Tommy hides while the rednecks dig up the grave. Instead of it being 6 feet it's more like 6 inches as after two scoops of dirt, they found the coffin.

The rednecks open the coffin and Jason comes to life and kills the rednecks. He climbs out of the coffin and starts creepin' towards Tommy. And that's when Corey Feldman's contract ran up cause now we focus on teenager Tommy waking up. This Tommy looks like a strung out James Van Der Beek. He's in a van going to some place in the woods (of course). The placen ends up being a home run by Matthew and Pam. The home is sort of like a halfway house between the mental institution and living on your own in the real world. Tommy is sent to live there.



Tommy's not doing too good after what happened at the end of part 4. He just kinda sits around and stares, not talking to anyone. Tommy should fit right in!

Tommy finds his room and meets Reggie aka Reckless. I'm sure that name will come into play later. While Tommy's getting use to the place, the police pull up with two of Matthew's residents. It turns out the neighbor Mrs. Hubbard caught them fucking on her property. To prove the point, Mrs. Hubbard and her son Junior appear on Junior's motorbike. These two...you'll meet them later a bit better.

Just know that Mrs. Hubbard and Junior aren't exactly right in the head.

So Tommy's adjusting to life in this house while everyone wants to screw. The resident "slow guy" named Joey is being a pain to everyone. Some other guy named Victor is chopping wood (with an ax che-che-che-che ha-ha-ha-ha) and Joey annoys him so much that Victor plants the ax into Joey. No one seemed bothered by this.

Tommy meanwhile, keeps seeing Jason standing in places and passes it off as "time to take the meds!" Reggie, meanwhile, begs his grandfather to let him to see his brother in town. Grandfather thinks about this. I mention this for a reason.

Later at night, one of the guys that transported Tommy to the home is off duty and picking up a waitress named Lana. I mention this cause it seems like weird/pedo-lookin' guys in these movies seems to get hot chicks. And Lana is the first to show boobs in this movie. Anyway, both get killed by an unseen killer. Hmmm....

The next day, the two horny residents decide to go off and screw somewhere and the chick here has real nice tits so when she finally showed them, I was quite happy. This movie is looking up. Unfortunately, she flashed her ax wound to Jason before he gave her another one.

So now it's later that night and Matthew is wondering where the horny kids are at. Reckless wants to go see his brother named, and I'm not kidding here, "Demon". I guess Pam is taking him. Matthew thinks it's a good idea to take Tommy with. I think all this time we were suppose to think Tommy was doing the murders, what with not showing who's doing the killing. So bringing him along with a kid and a woman is a good idea. While Pam is away, Matthew is away looking for the horny kids, so the other stock characters are left by themselves to do things like this:



Yeah, I dunno what the fuck that was.

So Pam takes Reckless to meet Demon and, again I'm not shitting you, Demon LIVES IN A VAAAAAN!!!!! DOWN BY THE SHITTER!!!!!! Demon and Reckless have a tearful reunion while Demon offers Reckless and Pam such culinary treats as enchiladas, pizza, and egg rolls. Somehow, Demon has a chick who looks like Rhianna in the 80's. Looking up this Demon guy, he's played by Miguel A. Nunez, Jr, who you might know as "Juwanna Man" and "Sticks" from "Leprechan 4: In Space".

While the Lifetime Channel-riffic reunion is happening, Junior Hubbard shows up and taunts Tommy. Tommy, who is no Chuck Norris, handles himself quite nicely. He beats the shit out of Junior and Junior goes running. He runs back home and, again I'm not shitting you, this scene happens:



Alright, that should be the last video I have for you.

Tommy got upset from the beating of Junior that he goes running off. Pam breaks up the greatest brother reunion I've ever seen on film to go after Tommy. Not 20 seconds after they left, Demon says he's gotta take a shit. He runs to a tin foil outhouse, where 80's Rhianna plays a trick on him by shaking it. Not amused by this, Jason kills them both. Or Tommy. Someone kills them.



Pam gets to the house to drop Reggie off and one of the other kids with a stuttering problems tries to fuck another girl but she laughs in his face. It's ok, J-J-J-JUNIOR, you gonna get killed by Jason anyway. Pam is out looking for Matthew, Tommy, AND the horny kids while Jason kills the other stock characters in the house.

Reggie wakes up and finds a pile of dead bodies in Tommy's room. Pam returns and finds them as well and is about to leave when...TAA-DAA!!! Jason arrives like the Kool-Aid man! Hey MURDER!!

So it's your standard "Jason chases the survivors, one of which is a girl" and this girl isn't wearing a bra. In fact, none of the girls that showed their tits in this movie was wearing a bra. Was the 80's the new '60's where women didn't wear bras? I don't really remember, I was 7 when this movie came out. I thought girls were yucky.



Eventually, Reggie gets a CDL license and drives a tractor through Jason. Of course Pam and Reggie has to stand in front of his body so he can come back to life and go after them once more. They hide in a barn where Pam finds a motherfuckin' chainsaw! Yeah!! This Final Girl takes no shit!!!



But Pam fucked around too long and the chainsaw ran out of gas. Reggie boos this off to the side. Then...Tommy shows up? WHA??? So Tommy isn't Jason. I guess Jason is Jason. So why "A New Beginning"? I didn't know they had reboots in the '80's. Again, I was 7. I was wearing boots.

Anyway.

Tommy confronts Jason, but Jason isn't taking no shit and proceeds to stab him. Tommy does some stabbing himself with a pocket knife so huge, Rambo would be like "Whoa dude, you crazy or something?" The fight leads to the second story of this barn, where Jason eventually falls off and lands on some spikey thing that randomly came out of nowhere. Jason is dead and his mask fell off revealing that it's NOT JASON BUT....some dude. HUH???

TURNS OUT! (SPOILER IF YOU CARE)



The dude is named Roy. He appeared in all of two scenes earlier in the movie. He was a paramedic. Roy turned out to be the father of Joey and was pissed about the death of his son, so he went crazy and wanted to kill all the house residents. He disguised himself as Jason cause he read about him in the paper and thought it'd be a great cover, since Tommy was there and everything. So that's settled.

Tommy is in the hospital now and he keeps having dreams about Jason. Tommy wakes up and finds Jason's mask in a dresser drawer. He takes it and looks at it, whistfully (See, I could write romance novels if I wanted to) until he hears footsteps coming down the hall.

Outside is Braless Pam and she hears a crash. Running in, she sees Tommy did a "One Flew Over The Cuckoo's Nest" and threw something big through the window and escaped. OR DID HE!

Well he didn't. He's standing behind Pam wearing the mask and holding a knife. To be continued...

So I guess "New Beginning" means Tommy is NOW the new Jason. I can't wait for Part 6. If I can find the fucker.

Some things to note quickly:
-During the Lana/Topless scene in the diner, she hears a noise and goes to investigates and yes fucking yes a cat literally comes flying out of nowhere. Where the fuck did a cat come from FROM INSIDE THE DINER??
-There's a brief mention that Jason, the real Jason, was cremated. So can't wait to see how that comes into play in the later movies.
-The horny chick was hot.

Overall, this movie was so stupid it was a lot of fun to watch. You can see when Jason finally appears, it's not really Jason cause this Jason was all skinny and kinda scrawny, whereas the Real Jason was all thick and meaty. Everything else is just your typical "Friday the 13th" movie so I wasn't expecting a whole lot. But I was surprised.
Now everybody, do the lame robot dance!

-Jason

Jason on Jason: Friday the 13th Part 2

Last month, Miss Stacie over at La Chica Final had her readers review the UNCUT version of "Friday the 13th", the original. Which I did. Now, on my own, I decided to go ahead and tackle the rest of the series, but not all in one day. I don't have the time for that anymore (sadly enough) or probably the will power. So consider this a new feature on the blog, at least until we get to the end (the remake, which I saw in theaters already? Who knows.)

Anyway. Part 2 starts off with the survivor of the last film Alice wearing a horrible green jumpsuit/overall thing in bed. She's dreaming of the last 10 minutes of the previous film as we get a reminder on what happened. It made me think of "Silent Night, Deadly Night Part 2", which must mean there's some rule where a sequel to a slasher flick has to spend time explaining what happened in the previous film.

Alice eventually wakes up and takes a shower. After an annoying phone call from Mom and a cat literally jumps through the window (I WILL HAZ CHEEZEBURGER, DAMMIT), Jason appears and kills Alice.

I never got that. He left the woods, somehow tracked her down, quietly snuck into her apartment, and killed a chick he didn't get to kill...five years ago? And after five years, Alice isn't over it? I mean, yeah it was a horrifying experience but I'd think after three, she'd be like "OK, I'm over it, let's go mountain climbing!"

Anyway.

So now we got a new group of victims and there's a whole mess of them. They have names like Jeff and Ginny and Paul and Mark and whatnot. I couldn't really keep track who was who, until it got down to Ginny and Paul, since they both said each other's names repeatedly.

So Paul is the new leader of a new camp JUST OFF of Camp Crystal Lake and, of course, he wants to get things ready. I don't get why this particular area is always targeted for a camp. Does this area have the best trees? Not as much mosquitoes? What? I do know, thanks to Paul, there are bears. Oh and a psychopathic killer named Jason!

The first night, Paul does the scary campfire thing and tells the story of Jason. I like to watch this footage and pretend he's talking about me.



That's right, I'm a demented creature. Remember that.

Anyway, the first victim (after Alice I mean) is Crazy Ralph, the guy that warned everyone to stay away. He was watching someone make out when Jason choked him.

Then there's the hippy (I guess?) couple, with the huge pickup truck. I forget the chick's name but she had some big tits, and I was dying to see them, but alas the only boobage we get is from the uptight chick sportin' in A's. The hippies sneak into Camp Crystal Lake but are caught by a cop. A bad cop at that. He spots a guy (Jason) running through the woods so the cop decides to follow him and follow him he does, for ten minutes, until coming upon Jason's Love Shack, but replace Love with Death. Or Murder.

As punishment for wandering around, the hippies have to stay at the camp and have sex while the rest of the characters that we'll never see again go to town to drink in a crowded smokey bar. I probably don't have to tell you the ones that stayed behind all get killed by Jason.

The only death worth noting is Mark the dude in the wheelchair. He's all in a wheelchair, getting hit on by a chick who got killed off camera (along with uptight boobage chick), thinking he's about to get laid by said chick (who took her sweet ass time doing everything), when here comes Jason with a machete to the face. And on top of that, the motion of said machete to the face causes Mark to go backwards and I guess this particular spot he was at was 500 feet up from ground level cause he goes rolling down the longest set of stairs I've ever seen. Poor Mark.

So hippies die, Mark dies, chicks die, this preppy pervert dies, time for Ginny and Paul to come back. They find blood but no bodies. They, for some reason, think Mark is upstairs when it's obvious this place really isn't handicap accessable (Why is he there anyway?) but instead they find Jason, who has a sack over his head, cause he don't get the hockey mask till the 3rd film (Trivia for you folks).

Jason and Paul fight, Jason wins, and he chases Ginny all over camp. There's a scene where Ginny is hiding underneath something and she sees a rat, so she pisses herself, which we see happening. Or I'm assuming it was piss we saw.

Anyway, Ginny escapes and she too finds Jason's Death Shack and the decomposing head of Jason's Mom and for some reason her sweater. Ginny gets the great idea to put the sweater on and pretend to be his Mom, which actually works, until he spots the decompsing head. But Paul bursts into the room, demanding a rematch, which distracts Jason long enough to get a machete in the shoulder.

Instead of getting the fuck outta there, they go back to a room in their camp and hear a noise. After five minutes of set up, it's revealed to be Muffin, a dog that belongs to uptight boobage chick. But sure enough, Jason comes flying in through the window, attacking Ginny, and giving us a good look at his disformed face.

Well...Ginny is ok. The next day, she's being put into an ambulance, asking where's Paul? This is never answered. What did happen to Paul? Did he tell Jason his life in exchange for hers or something? Oh well.

This movie, in my opinion, is better than the first one. Director Steve Miner does a good job with the camera work. It makes me think he wanted this one to be in 3-D but it wasn't for some reason. Or maybe this film inspired the 3-D of the third film, which if all goes according to plan, I should be watching next weekend. I'll let you know.

-Jason