Monday, March 01, 2010

The Bad Movie Ultimate Cage Match #13

This is a special version of The Cage Match. This here is...The All-Stars Edition! That's right! Last week's winner Travis and "Nudist Colony of the Dead" is going to go against Fletch and "The Happening". Oh snap, it's about to get ugly up in here!

To remind you of each film, I'll repost each contender and the reason why their pick is awful. Up first, Fletch with "The Happening":



"I feel like I'm at a disadvantage here. This is, after all, a site dedicated to B movies, a genre (designation? status?) I'm neither all that knowledgable in nor all that much of a fan of (though I do loves me some Basket Case and The Room and crappy Sci-Fi - er, sorry, SyFy channel movies...maybe I'm a bigger B movie fan than I'm willing to admit). Anyway, I'm sure there are some turrible, turrible movies like Mega Whale vs. Giant Shrimp or whatever that I just haven't seen or possibly even heard of. And choosing The Room is just way too easy - it's the Citizen Kane of bad movies, after all, and it's been covered enough by people like me and Jason already. It would feel like cheating for me to select that one. So I'm going with a more mainstream film.

Of course, my selection also happens to be a layup, but at least it's a layup that everyone can agree on. It's none other than Shamalama-man's "The Happening", a movie that tried to answer the question "What if someone attempted to make a low-budget apocalypse movie?" How else to explain the somewhat ingenious plan that required ZERO special effects to show all of the "destruction?" The deadly killer, the one that knocks off millions of people and causes global panic...it's in the air, man! It's, like, invisible. Perhaps for Night's next flick, all of the characters will be invisible, too, and maybe the sets as well - imagine the savings!

Of course, the cheesy "killer" and lack of anything visually interesting onscreen isn't the only thing that makes Happening an awful film. Nay, it has terrible acting up the yin-yang (Marky Mark talks to fake plants!), a serious case of taking itself too seriously, batshit crazy old women, horrible child actors, a complete and total lack of suspense - you name it. The only thing missing? A self-indulgent cameo by M. Night himself. Oh well, I guess we'll have to wait for It's Happening Again (in Paris)."


Nudist Colony of the Dead!



Yes that's right everybody I am back with another horrible movie. Apparently everyone (at least for five weeks) thought that Ballistic: Ecks vs Sever was the worst. While I still don't believe that B:EvS is a good movie by any means, it is Citizen Kane compared to my next movie: Nudist Colony of the Dead.

If you could get past the title alone then power to ya. Just writing that title sends chills down my spine. Nudist Colony of the Dead is another one of those "of the dead" or "of the living dead" B movie films that nobody should ever have to sit through. Flight of the Dead, Day of the Dead (remake), and even Day of the Dead 2, the sequel-prequel to the Day of the Dead remake is better than this film. Oh and for all the guys out there, just because its called Nudist Colony of the Dead doesn't mean that there is any nudity at all. In fact there is one nude scene and that involves showing a 95 year old woman's breast. After that when they become zombies there are strategically placed leaves over the private parts. Oh and I forgot to mention one other thing about the movie...it's a musical...with rapping zombies...

If you are still for some reason reading this than here is the plot. Sunny Buttocks Nudist Camp is shut down by a group of radical Christians and before they are kicked out, the Nudist's commit a ritualistic suicide that puts a curse on the camp. The curse is that if any Christian returns to the camp that the dead will rise again. Well whaddya know a group of Christian kids goes to the camp but not before a six minute musical number about Jesus and zombies and love. Led by Billy McRighteous, the group spend their time getting high and drinking and fornicating. Then the zombies come. Oh and there is no gore because people don't actually die. One character is a disembodied head for a while and one guy's legs run one direction while his top goes another. And just to let ya'll know the killing doesn't happen until a good portion into the movie and not before a lot of needless musical numbers and characters so annoying you want to punch them. And the annoying one's last the longest in the movie.

Overall it's a shitstorm of a bad movie. There is no reason to watch it and it is literally painful to sit through. Please bury this film in a ditch.


Now THIS should be good. Vote! Do stuff! Yep!
-Jason

3 comments:

Wings said...

As bad as "The Happening" was, I gotta go with "Nudist Colony of the Dead"!

Wings said...

And cool idea, dude!

Jimbob said...

Nudist Colony of the Dead sounds hilarious! I actually want to see it now!