Thursday, August 19, 2010
Before I begin, I want to mention that this review, along with 19 other movies, are part of a list that I dubbed The Michael Adam's 20. Michael Adam's wrote a kickass book called "Showgirls, Teen Wolves, and Astro-Zombies", where for a whole year straight he watched nothing but bad movies and documented it, in search for The Worst Movie Ever!
At the end, he lists 20 films that qualify and I wrote those 20 down. I'll share the 20 with you at some later date, but for now, "Ax'Em" was on that list. So I went to Netflix, added it to my queue, and intended to review this for The Site. But in the middle of it, I couldn't wrap my head around what I was watching and realized I couldn't put this on the Site. For several reasons.
One of which is there are too many damn characters. And I think only half of them use names in the movie. But keeping them straight was difficult cause any scene of them had at least 6 or 8 people in the shot and they all were equally annoying.
But on the plus, this movie is pretty much the closest I'm ever gonna get to time traveling. This movie jumps around from 1988 to 2002 so often, I felt like I was Sam from "Quantum Leap". Except Ziggy didn't have a fucking clue what I had to do to get out of this.
What I mean by the time jump is a scene would take place in 1988, with footage looking like this:
To 2002, with footage looking like this:
There's even scenes where it starts in 1988 and it finishes in 2002. It's fucking amazing! Speaking of fucking amazing, look at what greets you the INSTANT this movie starts:
(Clearly, these were added in 2002. There's NO WAY the 80's looking footage was suppose to be anything BUT 80's footage)
I'm just gonna let those speak for itself. Because I don't understand the language.
Then it starts in 1988 at a party and something is being said. Oh yeah, another thing. This was all done with (a) home camcorder(s) so there's no boom mike or nothing. So starting your movie at a party scene with LOUD MUSIC and a tiny built in mic doesn't make for a grand opening scene.
Jump to 2002 at some university and our opening credits are being performed by a step crew! I know you all read my review of "Step Up" so you know what a step crew is. Word. And I hope you liked that MTV show from a few years ago called "Yo Mamma" cause the next ten minutes is nothing but yo mamma jokes!
I'm serious. Yo mamma so fat she jumped in the air and got stuck! Yo mamma so stupid I said a penny for your thoughts and I got change back! Yo mamma so dumb she studied for a blood test!
You get the idea. Eventually, the ten million characters in this movie start arriving and they all drive out to the woods. According to the ending credits, all the characters that went to the woods are:
Look at that! And there's MORE people later! FUCK!
The only person I knew on sight was Rock cause he wore weird Urkel glasses, in both time periods. So in 2002 they left their houses and end up in a cabin back in 1988. Much, much time is wasted with all those people sitting around a table, talking, and telling a joke. I should repeat the joke but I got a lot to get to.
The only two times we're not at this cabin is when two homeless guys are running in the woods, talking about some big scary guy. They make a run for it and I swear to GOD you can hear the director yell "CUT" before the scene fades out. Uh, dude, this is why there are EDITORS!
The second scene is a car breaking down and three people, two dudes named Brian and BREAKFAST and a chick named Sarah are in it. Brian and Breakfast go look for a phone while Sarah stays behind and pretends she's in a Whitesnake video and poses on the car.
It'd be cool if Sarah's name was Lunch, and she and Breakfast had a kid, they could name it Brunch.
By the way, those two instances happened in 2002.
Back at the cabin, dinner (which started in 2002 but now ends in 1988) finishes up and Rock is trying to get it on with one of the 20 girls I listed up above, even though he's with one of the other girls I listed. There's a scene where Rock is about to take a bath and a chick comes in and they start fucking in the bathtub. I don't know about you, but when I fuck in the bathtub, it's pretty uncomfortable.
While they're fucking in 2002, everybody else goes outside where it's 1988 and...hell if I know what happened next. Well, I think I pieced it together. See, the leader of this trip is Michael and he's telling everybody a story, but we don't hear it. A crappy rap song is playing instead. Then everything goes black and white and we see some kids playing, then they go home. One of them goes home to find the mean Towns man killing his family, then eventually himself. I guess this kid is the lll kid or something.
So the "flashback" ends and it's the next day. All the girls are wondering if the story Michael told was true. Meanwhile, Rock and whatever girl return from fucking last night, refreshed. There's more of these scenes but I won't bother describing them.
Meanwhile, Breakfast and Brian find a house (did they walk all night?) but Breakfast doesn't think this is a GR-R-R-REAT idea and starts running. Because he ate his Wheaties. Brian, being white, investigates the house and is killed by this zombie killer guy.
I'm just gonna mention now that during the movie this killer guy never uses an Ax. He uses a machete, a knife, a gun, a board, and even his bare hands, but never an ax. So the title is just fucking stupid and pointless. Much like this movie.
So FINALLY, the killer shows up at the cabin and attacks Rock. The killer propped up Brian's dead body against the door so it'll fall inside the house, scaring everybody. They run outside to find the killer working on their car. I guess it was the alternator.
The rest of the movie is just everybody running through the woods and a bunch of time travel. There's one scene, it's fucking amazing, where the killer swings his machete in 2002, strikes the girl in 1988, and she drops dead in 2002. Beautiful.
And to prove this isn't a real movie with a real crew so no one was watching continuity, the killer CLEARLY kills Rock but yet, he's running around. Granted, he's killed in 2002 and is running around in 1988 but later he reappears in 2002. So whatever.
One of them, The Gay Guy Who Went With A Girl "Just To Make Sure", finds a car and there's a 20 minute scene with him yelling "NUH UH! YOU DINNIT JUST SLAP ME IN THESE WOODS! NUH UH!!" This is when the movie got unbearable. So they find the car but the car battery is missing. I think it's the same car Brian, Sarah, and Breakfast was in. Sarah, by the way, was killed at some point. It's not important.
I don't understand the battery thing but one of the dudes remembers seeing a battery back in 1988 so he leaves the present to go to the past to get it. While facing mirror images that were not his own.
Half of the group meet up at the car while the other half are in some house. The killer comes in and everybody just gets pissed off and start attacking him, eventually putting a pitch fork through him. He's lying on the ground and everybody meets up at the car. Dude returns to the present with the battery and they drive off. The killer gets up, clearly not dead, and just heads back into the woods. And then I feel guilty cause this happened:
Aww. Don't dedicate shitty movies to your dead relatives. No matter how supportive they were. But then the guy that made this movie THANKS GOD in the SPECIAL THANKS section and all my guilt went away. What a dumbass.
Knowing my luck, this guy is going to find me and kick my ass. People that make these kinds of movies seem to have a way of finding me. Thankfully, his name was hard to spell so I didn't use it. So take THAT!
Ok, this movie is fucking terrible. Trying to describe this movie is like trying to describe Bigfoot. It was far away, blurry, but you saw it and when you try to tell people about it, they look at you like you're crazy. But here's the weird thing-I had FUN watching it. I think if I watched this with a group of friends, we'd have fun tearing this movie apart. It's so FUCKING shitty that you have to laugh at it. I guess what I'm saying is this is the black version of "The Room".
Oh hi Rock. I did NAWT sleep with that girl in a bathtub in 2002, I did NAWT!
(Even though I had fun watching it, it was fucking terrible.)