Saturday, August 14, 2010
Jason on Jason: Friday the 13th Part 7: The New Blood
You have to wonder what people think when they are filming a movie thats PART 7 to something. But this 7th outing has an interesting cast. You got Bernie from "Weekend at Bernies" and...well, that's about it. Other people looked familar but looking at imdb doesn't bring up anything.
Anyway. The first 5 minutes is a rehash of everything from part 4 to part 6. We revisit how Tommy in part 6 tied a chain around Jason and sunk him to the bottom of Crystal Lake. After the credits roll, we go to Crystal Lake and a couple is arguing inside a cabin house. A little girl, named Tina, hears this and gets upset and runs out to a boat and goes to the middle of the lake. Tina's dad runs out to stop her but Tina yells stuff at her dad, including "I wish you dead!" Soon, the entire unstable pier collapses, killing Daddy.
Like Tommy in part 5 and 6, the teenage version wakes up from this dream/memory. She's in the car with her mom, who looked familar but all I saw was she did a shit-ton of voice over work, including "Jem" and "Transformers". I don't know how you go from doing that to part 7 in a movie franchise. Well, unless you got a shitty agent.
Mom and Tina are driving back to their childhood cabin home at Crystal Lake. So I'm guessing the dad dying happened before Jason's reign of terror. Tina was in a mental hospital, trying to deal with the fact she might've killed her dad, using telekinesis.
Yes, I said telekinesis.
And OF COURSE, their old cabin is next door to a WILD party going on by some teenagers. If it was an old couple who retired there 25 years ago I would've been surprised. Or thought I was watching "The Waltons".
At the wild party is a bunch of teenagers, I guess, and they all have names but does it really matter? There's the Nerd, the Stoner, the Bitch, the Shy Girl, and the two or three people who die in the next five minutes. And surprisingly enough, a black couple. Now THAT'S something you don't see often.
Waiting for Tina at the old house is Dr. Crews (Bernie) and he's trying to help Tina get through her problem, ok not really. He's trying to exploit her telekinesis for whatever reason. It's not really explained. And yes, she really does have it. She makes things moves and even lights matches on fire.
So how does Jason fit into all this, you're wondering? Well, he's chained up RIGHT OUTSIDE THEIR FUCKING HOME, in the lake, with severe water damage. Tina goes outside all upset and thinks her daddy is still in the lake. Uh, I'm sure they fished him out how ever many years ago, sweetheart. But she still tries to connect with him but instead she connects with Jason. He wakes up and the chain just snaps in half and now...
What, you didn't think I like Eminem?
Anyway, Jason returns and Tina faints. Now why Jason didn't kill her right then and there remains a mystery.
So now that you got the set up, let's go through this quickly with my patented Dash Points (TM):
-The party in the cabin is for a dude named Michael and it's his birthday. He and his girlfriend are hiking there and Jason kills them both.
-At the party, a dude named Nick liked Tina so brings her over to the party. Most of the people seem to like her except for Melissa, who is a major bitch.
-The stoner smokes weed.
-The nerd is trying to come up with the new Star Wars.
-The black people are having sex.
-Tina's Mom finds out Dr. Bernie is exploiting Tina and is pissed.
-Tina has psychic visions of Jason killing most of the teenagers at the party and freaks out.
-Melissa wants to fuck Nick, but he rebuffs her, so she tries to get it on with the Geek to make Nick jealous but this doesn't work.
-Pretty much everybody I just mentioned besides Tina and Nick are killed by Jason.
-The best kill from this movie has to be the black chick getting killed by a party favor. Awesome.
-Once everyone is whittled down to just Tina and Nick, Jason comes after them and Tina uses her psychic powers to kill Jason. I'm gonna reinstate that in case it got lost in this paragraph:
TINA TRIES TO KILL JASON USING PSYCHIC POWERS!!!
First she loosens a power line and electrocutes him. When that doesn't work, she throws tables, couches, bookcases, dead bodies, plants, plants with dead bodies in them, and my unemployed cousin at him. Oddly enough this doesn't stop him. I do wanna point out that Tina literally just stands there and THINKS hard while shit flies at Jason. This is the laziest Final Girl I've ever seen. She might as well just go upstairs and lay in bed while kicking Jason's ass.
Anyway, she causes stairs to collapse on him. His mask falls off and we get a good look at F13Pt7 Jason and it don't look good.
Tina makes a sandwich while psychically kicking Jason's some more. The fight ends up in a basement where Jason is covered in gas and soon lit on fire, which causes the entire house to explode. I guess Tina psychically turned the gas stove on or something.
Anyway, we think it's over but nope. Jason just suddenly appears and starts attacking Nick. Tina, mentally tired, tries one more thing and you aren't gonna believe this shit:
Tina again thinks about her father and holy fucking shit, she manages to raise her Dad from the grave, whose body was still in the water I guess, and he grabs Jason and pulls him under the water. And both Daddy and Jason simply vanish. Alrighty.
Well, that's about it. Tina and Nick just get transported to the hospital and it simply ends. No final twist. No quick jump scare. Nothing. I think they weren't sure a part 8 was coming. But you and I know better.
This movie is no Part 6. It's more like the first three films, I guess. But with psychics. I sense an upcoming sequel where Jason squares off with Miss Cleo. I mean, what is SHE doing lately? When you get to part 7 of a series, you tend to run out of things to say. I just can't wait till I get to Part 8. Now we're really into shit territory.