Monday, August 02, 2010
B Movie Meatloaf: Flu Birds
This month's theme for the Meatloaf is "Sci-Fi Original Films". (I refuse to use the retarded spelling they came up with), which isn't easy cause a lot of those aren't out on DVD, and all the good titles (Sharktopus anyone?) was taken. So I was really scraping the bottom of the fucking barrel on this one.
This movie oddly enough came out right when bird flu was ending and swine flu was beginning. Look out for Flu Swines this fall!
We start with two hunters out in the woods and one of them is dubbed for some reason. They walk around and argue when some giant ass birds swoop down and kills one and bites the other. The other stumbles through the woods until Ranger Garrett finds him and takes him to the hospital.
Meanwhile, a bunch of "teenagers" are out in the woods as part of a "Kids At Risk" program, where their councilor is forcing them to go camping. For whatever reason, the fat guy, named Porky, is walking around the woods blindfolded. Soon, Porky and the councilor is attacked by said birds. I'll say this about the movie, it didn't take long to set up the plot.
Unfortuately that means I have another hour and 20 minutes before the end. Fuck my life.
Just to get this out of the way, the kids are (in no order): Jackson, who gives everybody a Swayer-like nickname. Jackson is a major asshole and I kept wishing he'd die already. There's also Lola, the slut who hooks up with Jackson. There's Derrick, the black one. The one Jackson calls "hip-hop" cause he likes rap. And there's Ava, who looks like Avril Lavinge in some angles.
Jackson declares himself the leader cause he's an asshole and thinks the flare gun is a real gun and points it at everyone. They run through the woods, with Ava carrying a injured Porky. They find an abandoned Fort and hide in that, but they soon realize two things:
1. It's full of explosives
2. It's full of leaking gas.
Gosh, how is THIS gonna play out?
Despite the gas thing, Jackson stupidly lights the flare off in the fort, killing a minor character that was there for 10 minutes. They realize they need to get out before the gas kills them, but the birds are outside. They need a distraction.
Meanwhile, Garrett takes Hunter #2 to the hospital where his old girlfriend Dr. Hale is looking at him. She determines that the hunter has a rare type of bird flu that isn't found in this country. And the only way it's contaigous if it's passed through bodily fluids. So it's an STD then.
By the way, this hunter dude doesn't look right. I would've pulled the plug hours ago if he started looking like this.
Back at Fort Gassy, the stupid kids vote on if they should throw Porky out to the bird while they run. Ava doesn't want to do it but everyone else agrees, so they do and it works. Alrighty then.
Thinking they've finally gotten away from Jackson, I figured everyone else would've ran their own way to safety but no, after Jackson tries to fuck Lola, the birds return and they all team up again. They eventually find the hunters cabin and hide out in there. Unfortuately, they find the hunter's guns and Jackson now has a REAL gun. Aw fuck.
Dr. Hale called CDC and as a result they sent fuckin' every agency out to the hospital to contain this thing. The leader of the C.I.A, who's French for some reason, is like "nobody can leave!" but Garrett is like "I'm leaving" and Frenchy is like "ok".
Garrett and Dr. Hale leave to look for Ava and the kids, because Ava found a walkie-talkie and used it to talk to Garrett. Sucky thing is, no one knows how to navigate in the forest, so telling him where they're at is gonna be tricky. Nice.
But once they get to the cabin, Garrett knows where that's at and heads that way. But there's all kinds of drama like:
1. Derrick getting bit by a bird, so he's getting sick.
2. Jackson knowing Derrick is sick so he keeps shoving the shotgun in his face.
3. Frenchy is ordering an air strike on the area where the birds are.
4. The birds are outside the cabin and need...another distraction.
*Sigh* Derrick sacrifices himself while everyone runs and Frenchy is about to blow up the area when Garrett says he and the kids are still in the strike zone. Frenchy agrees to wait five minutes (I don't got FIVE FUCKIN' MINUTES, DENNY!) while Garrett finds the kids, try to outdrive an animal with fucking wings, and eventually crash the car. A bird attacks the helicopter Frenchy is in and it crashes. Even though it was carrying explosives that was suppose to wipe out a forest, it just merely goes "Boom" and that's it.
They all head BACK to the fort, where Ava comes up with the plan to blow up the fort using the explosives AND the gas. WOW! REALLY??? But someone has to stay behind. Because Jackson got spit on by Derrick (long story, don't ask) he thinks he's sick and decides to stay around to blow the fort up. Everyone is like "cool. Peace out" and leaves him behind.
Now clearly, Dr. Hale said there was five birds. Two birds enter the fort when Jackson blows the place up. When everyone is walking away from the explosion, they say "that's it. They're all dead."
WHAT?? No! Oh god, they're gonna make a sequel. Ugh.
Anyway, that's it. They all walk away, movie ends. No mention how all this got started or what the fuck was going on or jesus christ this movie was fucking long, even though it was only an hour and 25 minutes.
Well, it's a Sci-Fi original movie, so it sucks ass. The acting is terrible. The CGI is terrible. Everything is terrible. I didn't root for a single person cause everybody was annoying in their own way. I wish the birds ate everybody. Hell, I wish the birds ate ME so I didn't have to watch this shitty movie.