Mardi Gras Massacre

2012 will mark 9 years I've watched and reviewed bad movies for this thing called "the Internet" (7 years for Invasion of the B Movies) and in all those years I've never come across a movie like "Mardi Gras Massacre". Yeah it's bad. Yeah it was made horribly. Yeah it's stupid as hell. But where normally I'd find that stuff annoying, here...I found it charming.

The movie starts in a bar in New Orleans and a very well dressed guy named John walks in. Two women immediately latch onto him, hoping he'll make it rain all over their faces. (Take that however you want) Instead, John tells the women he's looking for a special girl. What type of girl?

............................an evil girl!

So every time this John guy talks, he uses these huge pauses between words, like he took acting lessons from William Shatner but decided to one-up Shat. Here's how that whole scene really played out.

John: I'm looking for a special girl. One that is.................evil!

The two girls direct him to this other girl because she's...........evil! I dunno what makes her so evil, I'm sorry, so............evil! She seemed nice enough. I guess she's willing to do ANYTHING for money. Even if it means fucking Kyle MacLachlan.

So John takes her back to his place and for a painstaking 20 minutes we watch him undress the girl, tie her to a bed, rub oil on her, and finally he leaves. Literally 2 seconds later, he reappears in another part of the room in this weird sacrificial garb and a knife. He stabs her hand, then her feet, before cutting her fake stomach open to pull out a heart that apparently isn't attached to anything inside her body. So in a way he's doing her a favor, she was gonna die from having a floppy heart anyway.

The news of the girl's death reaches prostitutes across the city and eventually two cops get involved. One cop, Frank, questions one of the girls John talked to that night, named Sherry. Frank and Sherry instantly fall in love and immediately go on a date. On said date, some guy at another table starts yelling at the girl he's with, picks her up, and smacks her. Frank decides to take charge and...point at the guy until he leaves! Yeah! Good police work!

Frank and Sherry go have sex and he doesn't do much about the killing. Meanwhile, John goes to other bars and picks up more.............evil girls, talking so slowly that you could leave the room, take a shit, and come back and he'll still be in the middle of said sentence. Anyway, he kills another girl in the same fashion as the other girl, then he decides to up the ante by bringing a group of women! WOW!!

This is a great scene for these two reasons:
1. He orders Chinese food and this is how he orders (The exact food items escape me right now but it's something like): "I'd like beef and broccoli, pepper steak, fried rice.........................(glance)....................AND a fortune cookie!"
2. He slips something in the girls drinks and the scene goes from them standing around talking to instantly them passed out on the ground.

Oh and John tips the delivery guy 10 bucks. Remember that, cause I kept shouting how important this was gonna be throughout the rest of the movie.

Frank is busy fucking his prostitute girlfriend and NOT solving the case. Frank is also a douche cause he hits Sherry for reasons I'm not sure about, even while I was watching it I was confused. Maybe that guy in the bar from earlier rubbed off on him or something. Anyway, Frank leaves Sherry and he's not dedicated to finding this killer.

OH AND HE HAS TO DO IT BEFORE MARDI GRAS CAUSE THE KILLER MIGHT KILL A GROUP OF PEOPLE OH SHIT IT'S SERIOUS NOW!!!!!111eleven

Ok, you're probably asking yourself: "What is going on? Why is this killer killing all these women? Why do they have to be evil? Why is Jason assuming I'm asking all these questions? I just want a sandwich, LEAVE ME ALONE!!" Well, I'm glad you asked. And here's your sandwich.

Apparently, John is sacrificing these..............evil women to some Aztec or Mayan or some vaguely Latin God (Marc Anthony? Enrique Iglesias?) and on Mardi Gras he's gonna probably do a whole slew of people. So Frank and his partner without a name goes around talking to people. OH SHIT THE MUSIC!

The music in this entire movie sounds like vague rip offs of popular disco songs. I swear one song is "The Hustle" but with one note changed. I can't find any evidence of this, but if you ever watch this movie (and you should) listen out for it. If you can get back all the.................evil!

Alright, the cops finally talk to the Chinese delivery guy who remembers John cause he tipped him 10 bucks, so they go to his apartment, where he has Sherry tied up and ready to get stabbed. John manages to escape and despite him WALKING about as fast as my grandma, the cops can't catch him.

There's a lame chase through Mardi Gras until John steals a cop car and drives into the Ocean. When they find the car, they find John is missing. And that's it! The end!

So is this worth the search? If you wanna have a good time watching horrible movie with your friends, then yes, but that's the only way to watch this. If you watch this by yourself, sober, then you're gonna be miserable. In fact, I OWN this movie, so just come on over so we can watch this. And if you must you can a girl who's..........................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................evil.


-Jason

PS: Listen to this while reading the review. Unless you didn't notice this, then RE-READ this while listening.