Reader's Choice: The Long Kiss Goodnight

I really didn't have much interest in watching this movie until a few months ago it was chosen to be the LAMB's Movie of the Month and everyone on that episode talked about how crazy this movie was. So it got me curious and I decided to include it as a choice for you wonderful readers out there.

First off, the movie is directed by Renny Harlin, who directed things like "Die Hard 2" and that one pirate movie with Geena Davis that I can't remember the name of right now. But anyway, he's like Diet Michael Bay: he makes movies with stupid action sequences but at least there's plot and the movie doesn't make you want to stab yourself in the throat.

"The Long Kiss Goodnight" starts with Geena Davis telling us that eight (8) years ago, she suddenly found self not remembering anything about her life, and pregnant. She goes by the name Samantha and she has a kid named Caitlin. She's dating some guy who's name I don't remember and she became a school teacher.

Anyway, she did hire some private investigators to look into her past but no one could find anything in eight years. Intro Mitch Henessey, played AWESOMELY by Samuel L. Jackson. Henessey is a low rent P.I who...has her hot secretary pretend to be prostitutes in order to bribe married men? I don't know, I found that whole part confusing. Once I figure it out, I shall steal that idea cause it sounds interesting.

Anyway, of all the P.I's in the world, Henessey gets some info on Samantha in a rather convoluted way. Something about a former landlord died and the landlord's grandson tried to use a credit card...I dunno this is the boring set up that no one cares about. Just he finds out somehow.

Apparently in the '90s, it was a thing to be in hiding from some bad guys but you end up getting filmed on TV. It happened in "Cool As Ice" and it happens here. Some guy is in prison and he spots Samantha on TV in a parade and he goes nuts and breaks out of prison.

Meanwhile, Samantha is slowly remembering small things, like how to chop carrots. This leads her to believe she was a chef in her previous life. I'd love to see a cooking show that mixes food and spying.

"Hey, this is Rachael Ray and in just 30 minutes I'll make yummy EVOO roasted potatoes and defuse this bomb while shooting machine guns. Stay tuned!"

Oh if Guy Fieri ends up being a spy, that'd be the most awesome cover ever.

"In order to hide who you are, you must pronounce your last name wrong, look and act like a douchebag, and say things normal people don't say, like 'Flavortown'."

Anyway.

Crazy guy finds Sam's house and she goes into spy mode and kills him. Henessey shows up too and they join forces to figure out who's trying to kill her. Meanwhile we're introduced to ten million bad guys. You got this one guy who looks like a '90s Clive Owen, you got her former boss, you had that prisoner guy, you have some old professor guy, and you have David Morse.

You know, unless you're watching "The Langoliers", if David Morse shows up in a movie, you need to assume he's the bad guy. Wait, wasn't he in "Drive Angry"? He was a good guy in that too. Hm...

Anyway. Again.

Turns out Samantha use to be a spy for the US Government named Charlie Baltimore. I had to stop for a moment cause I heard that name before. And you won't fucking believe this!



Odd thing is, Charlie Baltimore sounds like a total made up name, where as Samantha is a normal name. So I think her real name WAS Samantha but then she became a spy and changed it to the cool sounding Charlie Baltimore.

Anyway, being "spy Geena Davis" involves chopping off her hair, wearing lots of dark eye makeup and smoking non-stop. While showing your tits to everyone BUT the audience. BOO!! Once she remembers she's a spy, it turns into your typical '90s action flick. I will talk about some stupid action moments.

First involves running from '90s Clive Owen and his goons at a train station that has 9 stories for some reason. The goons chase our heroes up to the third floor and as they're about to make a run for it, the goons throw a grenade. Geena Davis sees the only way out is a window but they're three floors up. So they run, the grenade goes off, they OUTRUN a fireball, jump out the window, she shoots down at the ice, breaking it, and they land safely in the frozen water.

Bullshit moment #2 happens later in the movie. Ok so you know the bad guys had to go after her kid, that's why kids exist. I'm never having a kid cause I know all my enemies will just come after them to get to me.

I can't believe you hate "Murder Set Pieces". It's represents the government and-

Shut up. Anyway.

So '90s Clive Owen has the kid and Geena Davis is going after her. They have Samuel L. Jackson tied up to a chair in a room. '90s Clive Owen manages to capture Geena Davis and put her in a freezer with the kid and let them freeze to death. The bad guy's plan? It was so fucking convuluted it gave me a headache. Keep up with me.

The agency Geena Davis use to work for got it's funding cut. The head of the agency is a big baby so to prove to the President that his agency needs money, he's gonna set up his own complicated terrorist act that involved a former terrorist who tried to blow up the World Trade Cent-.....OH FUCKING SHIT WHAT?!?!?!??

My mind is blown! I mean, this was 1996. 9/11 was like 5 years away. A MERE five years! OH SHIT I KNOW TOO MUCH!! Now I'm definitely not having kids! Ok before I pack up my stuff and change my name, let's finish this.

Pretty much they're gonna blow something up and say a terrorist did it and the agency will go "Huh? See? If we had our money, we could've stop that! Huh?!" It's complicated. Anyway, Geena Davis and her kid is in a freezer and Samuel L. Jackson is upstairs tied up.

Geena Davis manages to smuggle in some gasoline and spills it all over the place and wants to blow the freezer door off. She manages to do this and with just an OUNCE of gasoline, she manages to blow up half the building and cause Sam Jackson to go FLYING OUT THE WINDOW TIED TO THE CHAIR AND LAND SAFELY OUTSIDE IN A TREE! I...WHAT?! THE FUCK?!? I MEAN!! WHAT?!?!?!

So Geena Davis manages to kill all the people that need to be killed and Samuel L. Jackson has a great line in this movie: "I'm not dead, motherfucker!" That should be on his tombstone. It's a shame "Snakes on a Plane" happened AFTER this cause I think this line is what he should be remembered for.

But I still love "Snakes on a Plane".

Geena Davis retires from the spy business and settles down in some country cottage with the guy and the kid. Samuel L. Jackson gets to meet Larry King (this really happened in the movie) and it's over.

This movie is so fucking ridiculous that it's a lot of fun. It's not a GREAT movie, but it's not BAD either. It's a movie you can watch some Saturday afternoon when you're bored and there's nothing to do. There's probably other movies you could watch but you won't be disappointed by this. And I'm glad I finally got to watch it.



-Jason