B-Movie Meatloaf: The Haunting of Whaley House

This post is a combination of several things. First off, it's an entry in the B-Movie meatloaf that's going on over at StrictlySplatter.com. Secondly, it's a Old School Summer entry cause I now own this DVD. Oh and third, it's my 1000th post motherfuckers!! To all you naysayers I say....yeah you had every right to be skeptical. Anyway, to celebrate I thought I'd give the honor to this movie. Why you may ask? Because not only is "The Haunting of Whaley House" a The Asylum movie but I actually know the dude who made it! That hardly happens!

Yes, the guy who made the movie, one Jose Prendes, is the co-owner of StrictlySplatter.com. Yes, the same website that hosts the B-Movie Meatloaf. Don't think too much about how all of this works cause you'll have a headache the size of Antarctica. Anyway, I promised Jose I would give an honest review of the movie and not hold back any punches. He appreciated that and is waiting a honest review. And here it is.

It was a great movie. GOODNIGHT!

Ok, no. Seriously. The movie starts with three dudes outside the titular house, talking about how it's haunted and they should go in. Two of the three don't wanna go in and after a weird slightly racist comment, one dude throws a rock into the window and says "There. Now we can go in." I'm not sure how THAT was gonna let them in but whatever. But they don't go in cause the rock thrower spots a ghost giving him the mean eye and of course the guy walks backwards into the street and of course he gets hit by a bus. I hate when buses show up right when I walk backwards into streets. Such bad timing.

Cut to the next day and Penny works at the house, giving tours. She just started but seems to have a lot of knowledge about the place. When I started at my current job, it took me 2 years to learn all this technology info, but her only a month or so to learn the entire family history of The Whaleys. To save some time later, I'll tell you the history now if I remember it.

A family lived in the house a long ass time ago and a bunch of people died in the house, kinda horribly. The father of the house died somewhere else but he hangs around the house to protect the family. That's pretty much all you need to know. Oh and the daughter of the family shot herself in the heart. That's it.

Anyway, Penny is giving a tour and some lady in the tour starts freaking out cause she sees shit like people roaming around and a rocking chair moving on it's own. Soon, she starts choking and is taken to the hospital. Some old lady that owns the house I guess tells Penny she got the job for a special reason but we never learn why until the end.

Later, Penny is with her friends and I'm gonna say right now she's got the douchest friends ever. Especially the main guy named Craig. It didn't help he looked like a weird combination of Seth Rogan and Rob Thomas from Matchbox 20. Anyway, Craig finds out where Penny works and almost begs her to take them there. One chick who's name I forget so lets call her Roxy doesn't wanna go but everyone else does.

In case you forgot, this is what Rob Thomas looks like.

To prove how much of a douche he is, Craig invites two other dudes, one named Ray who is the biggest dork I've ever seen, and a psychic named Keith. They are paranormal investigators and they wanna check out the house for ghosts and shit. Penny is like "NO DON'T TOUCH SHIT! RAWR!!" but doesn't think anything about a glass scraping across a floor. Whatever.

Ray pulls out the glass as a fake Ouija board (I'm guess Jose and/or The Asylum couldn't get the rights to an actual Ouija board) and get in contact with a ghost. The ghosts seem to like Penny a whole lot. Anyway, they finish up Glass Ouija and investigate the rest of the house. Keith starts spouting off some weird ghost/psychic mumbo-jumbo talking about vortexes and portals or something. Then before things get too boring, people start dying.

Oh before I forget, I LOVED the out-of-place boobie shot. That's all I'll say about that.

First Roxy is killed and Craig gets all stupid, douchey, and paranoid by refusing to call the police cause they might think they killed her on purpose. I don't know what kind of sense that makes but Penny manages to get through to the police. But then Ray has the funniest freak out moment I've ever seen when he starts yelling at the ghosts and soon they kill him too. The rest run upstairs, where a chick who looked like Sara Bareilles gets grabbed by a ghost and somehow this burns her or something.

This is what Sara Bareilles looks like.

They lock themselves in a room and before I could ask "how about breaking a window" Jose gives me an answer: the ghosts won't let them break anything. If they try, they will get murdered. Alrighty then. Good one, Jose. So they're in this room when the cops show up. One cop is immediately killed by a ghost while the other runs upstairs. At some point the douchey guy is killed and I went "YAY!" then Sara Barilles gets possessed and tells them they won't escape. Meanwhile, Keith makes it to the attic and something happens but it was too damn dark to make out what happened. I'm gonna say Keith got sucked into the vortex. That works.

Anyway, Sara Barilles decides to kill herself by shooting herself in the heart, the other cop dies somehow, and now it's just Penny and the boyfriend left. They run into the attic where the boyfriend is killed and soon it's just Penny. Soon, the ghosts make an appearance and we discover that Penny looks like the family's daughter and they think she should stay with them. She screams at them for awhile until they just go away on their own and Penny rather stupidly falls down the damn stairs and dies. I'm not even kidding. It was literally "Yay I survived." *trip* "Oops!" and she died. I....ok.

So now Penny is a ghost in this house FOREVER!! And that's the end. I will admit it wasn't your standard The Asylum fair in that I didn't wanna stab my brain out with a spoon. Did the movie have problems, at least plot/story wise? A bit. But I will say Jose is a really awesome director and I can't wait to see what else he has for us. Oh and Jose, if you need a quote for the DVD box, you can some of these:

"...I didn't wanna stab my brain out with a spoon!"-Jason Soto Invasion of the B-Movies
"Heart pounding! Thrill seeking! Words!"-Jason Soto Invasion of the B-Movies
"It's a movie!"-Jason Soto Invasion of the B-Movies
"This......movie.......[can be] awesome!"-Jason Soto Invasion of the B-Movies
"BOOBIES!"-Jason Soto Invasion of the B-Movie

OH! And this movie doesn't come out until this Tuesday! So I say check it out! And mucho thanks to Jose for giving me a copy.



-Jason

What I've Learned About Life By Watching The Room

Many people may not be aware of it, but Tommy Wiseau is indeed a wise(au) sage. He has taught me many things about life and all in one movie! Imagine if he wrote, produced, directed, and starred in ANOTHER movie? Anyway, here's things "The Room" have taught me:


-It's pronounced "underwears", not "underwear".
-It's perfectly legal and socially OK to adopt a 18-year-old guy randomly.
-If you don't like the way your friend looks or act, get another guy to completely replace him.
-"Fiancee" is too hard of a word, so just use "future wife" or "future husband".
-Your son-in-law HAS to help you with your financial situation!
-If you get diagnosed with a disease, mention it once but never again.
-Somedays you feel like driving, somedays you feel like walking, other days you feel like taking the trolley.
-The proper greeting when you enter a room is "Oh hi".
-If you tell people your "future husband" hit you, they will instantly believe you, even if you don't have any marks or bruises.
-A 60 Minute cassette tape can hold three days worth of phone conversations.
-The computer business is rough in San Francisco.
-Dogs love hanging out in flower shops.
-I apparently have been throwing footballs wrong my entire life. Maybe this is why all the jocks picked on me.
-Feeling extra freaky in the bedroom? Fuck her bellybutton!
-Keep a pane of glass and a water source in the bedroom to add the right romantic touch.
-You and your boyfriend want to have weird chocolate sex? Go to your friends house!
And finally:
-You can keep your stupid comments in your pocket!

What else has "The Room" taught you?
-Jason

The Lair of the Unwanted #37: America Kicks Ass! Part 3: Part 2

In our conclusion of America kicking ass, we decide to take a look at women kicking some ass by bringing on the most kick ass woman we can find: Joanna Chlebus from Reel Feminist! We discuss the film "Long Kiss Goodnight" and just to let you know right now, it's the most intense smart conversation anyone has ever had with that movie. After that, Joanna takes on The Game of the Unwanted!

And correction: I say the Lair archives are at invasionofthebmovies.com but I meant to say invasionofthebmovies.net. Sorry for that confusion.

People DO Like Me...Sorta

Today has been full of ups and downs for me, my friends. I lost the next Movie of the Month, which pisses me off cause I've tried that thing like 4 different times and I can't ever win. At least I got close this time but still. Anyway, despite my loss, I have been awarded great news: not one but TWO different people nominated me for this weird Internet Award!

I have absolutely no information about it or what it means but it's awesome! Maybe you should check out the two guys who gave me the award: The Great White Dope and Steve from 1001Plus. And here are the "rules" as it were:

Here are the rules:

1. Each person must post 11 things about themselves.
2. Answer the 11 questions the person giving the award has set for you.
3. Create 11 questions for the people you will be giving the award to.
4. Choose 11 people to award and send them a link to your post.
5. Go to their page and tell them.
6. NO TAG BACKS

I dunno what "tag backs" mean but it sounds mildly racists. Poor tag backs! They just want to live and work in this country like everybody else!

Anyway, because two people gave me this award, I have to answer double 11 questions! Umm...that equals like 35 or something. I'm not too good on the math thing. So first up is Dope's questions:


1. Can you remember the first TV ad for a horror movie that scared you?-Well, not a whole lot scares me, honestly. Even when I was a kid. You know what scared me? Weird things that probably aren't that scary in real life. Like the old HBO intro from the 80s.



I have no idea why. OH! The Unsolved Mysteries theme use to bug the SHIT out of me!



Oh memories. So I hope this answered your question of what 80's theme song scared you the most!

2. Whenever you look through your movie collection (we all have them), what movie do you find yourself surprised that you even own?-Gayniggers From Outer Space.

3. We're all bloggers here; in your writing, what word do you find yourself misspelling most often? (mine is "teh";  I HATE THAT ONE!!!) Antidisestablishmentarism...or antidistablishmentariam? Something like that.

4. What is the least funny comedy you have ever seen?  This can be TV show or movie.-Right now, it's probably "The Dictator". It all felt kinda forced.

5. Okay, describe Tom Cruise in one word (besides "short").-Dude.

6. You have a chance to interview an icon of the horror acting world, living or dead.  Who is it and why?-George A. Romero to not only thank him for three great zombie flicks, but yell at him for giving us two fucking shitty ones.

7. What was the last movie you saw that fully enveloped you so that you actually cared about what you were watching?-I.....what was the question?

8. DVD or Blu-Ray?-HD-DVD.

9. The best episode of "Mystery science Theater 3000" is... _______________________.  (If you have no idea what "Mystery Science Theater 3000" is, write BUNNY POOF.-This changes for me so often that I can't settle on one. Right now I been running the riffs from "Parts: The Clonus Horror" in my head. Hi Richard! Hey Richard! Hi Richard! Will you change me, Clone Daddy? Just one more clone up in the canyon...ok I'll stop.

10. What snack do you usually sneak into a movie theater?  Be honest.-Dr. Pepper.

11. Are you answering these questions in your underwear right now?-Right now I'm wearing a silk robe, cotton socks, nice comfortable slacks from Sears and a "Movie Nerds Only Do It In The Dark" T-Shirt. And a bubble pipe. Of course.

Ok now for Steve's questions!


1. At a movie theater, what snacks do you buy? Or do you sneak them in? If money were no object, what would be your movie theater snack of choice?-Whoa, whoa whoa! That's like three questions right there! That's cheating, buddy! Jesus! I'm just gonna say "Dr. Pepper" again and be done with it.

2. What's the first movie that really scared you?-It's weird how similar Steve's and Dope's questions are, huh? I will say "The Exorcist". I saw it BEFORE school one day in the 6th grade. It was in the VCR and I was up a bit early so I popped it in while my Mom was sleeping and I got to the part where all the shit randomly jumped around in the room by itself and I went FUCK THIS SHIT! and ran out the door.

3. The television show/book/graphic novel/other thing I would really love to see adapted to film is _______________________.WE FUCKING NEED A REAL DEADPOOL MOVIE! LIKE RIGHT NOW!

4. If you like horror movies, why do you like them? If not, why not?-I like knowing what scares other people. I almost said "regular people". That would've been creepy, huh?

5. If you could be any movie character, who would you be, and why?-I will say a cross between Wolverine, Deadpool, and Doc Brown. For the time travel angle.

6. Why did you start blogging? What keeps you going?-I love thrusting my opinion onto the world. The fact that people read this shit.

7. What movie would you most like to see again for the first time with no prior knowledge?-A Serbian Film.

8. If you could write your own epitaph, what would it say?-This dumbass is dead. LET'S PARTY!

9. What is the best or most useful class in school you have ever taken?-Typing class. Seriously.

10. Describe your favorite article of clothing.-I am digging this "Movie Nerds" T-Shirt.

11. If there was one household chore I could get away with never doing again, it would be ________________________.-THIS ISN'T MOVIE RELATED!!!!! Did I ever tell you about the HBO intro theme...

And there you have it. Oh. I'm suppose to tell you 11 facts about me. I'm only doing 11 despite being tagged twice. Ok? OK!

1. I can recite the following movies by memory: Die Hard, Pulp Fiction, Clue, and Billy Madison.
2. For some reason, my little sister gave me post-it notes with Tony Stewart on them like 6 years ago for Christmas. I still have them today. I have no idea why.
3. I never know how to mention this without sounding weird or creepy but here goes. I love hearing about true crime stuff, like serial killers and stuff. Not because I love what they do, but the just the story of it all. It probably plays into my love of mysteries and how the cops had to figure out who did it before catching the guy, then sometimes you get show boat-y killers and they're interesting to figure out. That's all.
4. I ALMOST went to school to be a psychologist. I studied a bit on my own and use some of what I've learned on how to read my customers at work. It's almost amazing.
5. If you really break down my life, I'm the most boring person on the face of the planet.
6. I lived in Gary, Indiana for 5 years and never got shot at. If you knew Gary, Indiana like I know it, you'd be amazed at that fact.
7. I probably know more about roller derby than you do. Unless you're a roller girl, then you know more than me.
8. Even though I'm not too good at them, I like playing trivia games.
9. I have a new hobby that I do with the future wife called "geocaching". It's a bit hard to explain. Think of it has a treasure hunt or scavenger hunt with a GPS. For more info check out this site: www.geocaching.com
10. I only own two pairs of shoes.
11. I hate ice. Like seriously, hate ice.

And now here's the fun part. I'm suppose to come up with my own questions and tag 11 people. But I don't like doing that because I feel that excludes certain people and that's wrong. I know cause sometimes I get excluded and it sucks. So I'd like to thanks Steve and Dope for including me, but this is has far as this goes, with me anyway. Besides, everybody I would've tagged either has been tagged already or wouldn't do it.

BUT! You CAN do this if you want to! You don't need anyone's permission to do any of the above. Especially Tag Backs! Poor people, left the country of Tag with only 2 cents and hopes. And now for the first time ever, Tag Backs CAN participate in this meme! GO HEAD ON WITH YOUR BAD SELVES TAG BACKS!!
-Jason

Old School Summer: Intruder

Status: Own

Like I've said in the past, sometimes I don't find movies but movies find me. While cruising around Amazon looking up special deals, I came across "Intruders" and the description just sounded so damn appealing to me I had to buy it. And once I tell you more about it, you'll be like "Yes Jason, I see why you did that."

First off, it stars Sam Raimi. Well, not "star", but he's in it. And Ted Raimi is in it too. For some reason where ever Sam goes, Ted goes. It's produced and storied by Lawrence Bender, who if that name sounds familiar, it's because he helped produce "Pulp Fiction" "Reservoir Dogs" and "From Dusk Till Dawn". And why is Sam Raimi here? Well I'm sure that's an interesting story...

Anyway, the movie all takes place in a grocery store. It's closing time, where indeed every new beginning comes from some other begin's end. Yeah. Cashier Jennifer is checking out a friendly old man, who upon his leaving he says "hold hands you lovebirds" and my inner "Pulp Fiction" nerd peaked. Turns out this old man is played by the same guy who said the same thing in a Three Stooges short that was shown in "Pulp Fiction"! WOW! That's like meta levels of geekiness there!

So after the old man leaves, an old boyfriend of Jennifer named Craig shows up and he looks like the keyboard player from Tears for Fears. Craig is all super violent and scares Jennifer, so the entire store comes to her rescue and it's a great rescue cause it just involves each person taking turns punching the guy. After five minutes of abuse, they decide to finally throw him out. Then they go "GLAD we don't have to worry about THAT guy again!" and go back to work.

The store closes and we meet some of the characters, including both Sam and Ted Raimi. We learn the owners of the grocery store have sold the store to the city and it'll be closing up in a week. The second owner Danny doesn't seem too happy about the closing but he signs the contract anyway.

So one interesting thing about this movie is the interesting point of view shots. We get weird camera angles from doorknobs, the floor, a bucket of water, and even a telephone. It's all very strange.

Craig calls Jennifer in the store a few times, then starts messing around outside. Soon inside, people start dying. And what happens for the next 20 minutes is just scene after scene of people getting killed in various ways in a grocery store. These include:

-Sam Raimi getting a meathook in his eye.
-Ted Raimi getting stabbed in the head repeatedly.
-The other boss getting his head shoved on those poky "message" things they have on desks.
-A guy's head getting cut in half by a meat slicer
-And probably my favorite death: a guy getting killed by a baler.

DUDE! They sell Beer beer! I love that brand of beer!

At my job, we use a baler (it's a machine that compacts cardboard boxes in case you're not familiar) and I've always wanted to see a horror movie kill somebody using a baler. I thought I had to write that movie but turns out I don't have too! In a way, I'm a bit disappointed.

Anyway, the last person left is Jennifer and we're suppose to think Craig is doing all the murders. But guess what? SPOILER ALERT! It's actually Danny! He got pissed that the store was being sold and killed the other owner but then he got carried away. That's what he says in the movie, he got carried away! So now he must kill Jennifer and the rest of the movie is just her running from him while he acts all crazy.

I love the ending though. So Danny wants to pin the murders on Craig, but he ends up saving Jennifer and attacking Danny outside. Jennifer managed to call the police and after Craig killed Danny, the cops show up. So we think naturally that the cops are gonna think Craig is the killer but NOPE! This movie pulls no punches. They think Craig AND Jennifer killed everybody. She even tries to tell the cops she's the one who reported it but the cops keep saying SHUT UP! Oh and I should mention one of the cops is Bruce Campbell! So now if I ever run into Bruce Campbell, I can blow him away and ask "So what was 'Intruder' like?" and he'll probably take me out for a Beer beer. Ah, Beer beer.

And that's the end. Jennifer is framed for the murders along with Craig. Of course knowing the legal system like I know it, they probably really won't try her for the murders. Y'know finger prints and foot prints and all that jazz. But let's not over think it, shall we?

This movie was a lot of fun. The kills are great to watch, it's oddly darkly funny in parts, and it's great seeing the guy behind some of the greatest movies of our time act in a slasher flick. Plus it was a good nostalgic trip to see all the old cereal brands in the movie. That was a lot of fun too. I remember when grocery stores looked like the one in this movie. So if you can find this movie, check it out!

-Jason

WHAT'S IN THE BOX?!?!?!?!

The winner of the Mysterious Box of Mystery, Mr. Kai Parker, has finally recieved his box! And he decided to open it in the presence of one Dylan Fields, also of Man I Love Films. Below is their video. Enjoy!



Congratulations to Kai! And actually, there is 10 dollars on "that last thing", so enjoy!
-Jason

Nightmare Cafe: The First Three Episodes

I'm not sure how many of you guys remember back in 1992 Wes Craven created a TV show, starring Robert Englund. And no, I'm not talking about "Freddie's Nightmares". I'm talking about "Nightmare Cafe". It aired on NBC and was very short lived. I remember watching most, if not all, the episodes when it aired back in 1992, but now thanks to an awesome hookup, I'm able to relive the show. I've only gotten up to the third episode but only five or six were aired.

The premise, and the pilot of the first episode, revolves around Frank and Fay. I dunno if their names having the same first letter was suppose to mean something or not. Anyway, Fay is about to jump into a body of water when she notices Frank swimming around. She jumps in anyway and soon both Frank and Fay find themselves back on land, but soaking wet. Nearby is the "All Night Cafe" which at times the "All" fades away and the word "mare" shows up. Ooh!

Inside, they find the cafe empty and start helping themselves to food and coffee. I know it's a show about a mystical cafe but this show talked about coffee so many times I was starting to wonder if Coleman Francis wrote this. Anyway, they find a magical TV set that shows them how they were killed. Frank was a night watchman at a chemical plant when he discovered the owner was spilling toxic stuff in the ocean. Ah, early '90s, when that was a major problem. If this is ever remade for modern audiences, I'm sure the problem will be weapons of mass destruction. Or a shipment of Nickelback records.

Anyway, we're not sure what's ever really going on cause the show gets mildly confusing. Despite knowing how they died, we see things happening differently on the magical TV and Frank doing things he didn't do "the first time". Robert Englund's narrator character says the cafe is a place of second chances so I GUESS what's happening is they're redoing the moment they died to give themselves a second chance. So originally they just killed Frank but this second time around, he fights back and THEN dies in an explosion. So much for second chances.

As for Fay, she was dating the owner of the chemical plant (small world) and find out he was cheating on her. She found his secret EVVVVIL plans and threatened to show them to the police. Naturally, the boyfriend chases after her, even showing up at the cafe.

Let's talk about the cafe for a moment. This is a magical place where in the later episodes if you make a wish, it comes true. It's pretty much alive, and can alter time and space. My favorite thing about it is you go through one door and end up somewhere else. Anyway, the boyfriend shows up at the cafe and because he not only cheated on Fay but had Frank killed, decided to do something about him, fucked with his head for a few moments before putting him in jail.

And finally before moving on to the other two episodes, there's Robert Englund's character, named Blackie. I don't recall him having this name in the pilot but whatever. He's supposed to be the narrator/magical guy of the show where his character is a mystery. We never find out what his deal is. The only we know is he become a master of disguise the more the show goes on. More on that in a moment.

At the end of the first episode, through some confusing dialogue, we discover that because they were given second chances, they're not dead...but they are? I dunno, I didn't get it honestly. But they have to stay and "work" in this cafe to help other people that randomly come in and need a second chance. And that's how it ends.

So the second episode deals with a married couple, Angela and Richard. Richard is suppose to be in the mob or something like that and Angela wants to leave Richard. But Angela and Frank fall for each other, like hard core fall for each other. Outside of the cafe, Richard is attacked but he comes in, saying he only got cut.  Later, Frank stalks Angela and soon they're in her house, about to get it on, while Blackie and Fay watches on the magical TV. Wow, the cafe doesn't want you to have any privacy, huh? Maybe in my imagined reboot, the TV is the Patriot Act.

Anyway, a bunch of semi-confusing things happens and we discover that Angela is a black widow, meaning she kills rich men for their money and frame their boy toys for the murders. But then we get another twist...Richard was dead the entire episode! He just was a ghost so Angela gets what she deserved.

The third episode that I've seen involved Fay and her sister Ivy. I guess their mom was in a three-letter-mood at the time of their births. Anyway, Ivy is coming to L.A, where Fay and the Cafe is, to visit after discovering they haven't talked in awhile. Ivy is dating some guy named Jessie, who starts off as kind of a cool guy but the more the episode goes on, the bigger douche he becomes. He starts off small when they stop at a grocery store and he robs the clerk. Then they stop at the diner and here everything stopped making sense.

It's said in the episode that they haven't seen each other in 10 years. But when they see each other in the cafe, neither of them recognize each other. Unless one or both of them gained a lot of weight or got plastic surgery or maybe a sex change, I can't figure out why they didn't recognize each other. At least Ivy didn't recognize Fay. Fay took a few moments but she had help from Blackie. So Ivy is here in the cafe so Fay can help her. Help her with what? Well, like I said Jessie is becoming more and more of an asshole. He talks down to Fay, doesn't accept Frank's help when he offers it, and then to top it off, frames Frank for the robbery and as it turns out murder of the store clerk. And all Frank does in this episode is run around, being chased by cops. This is Fay's episode.

So Jessie makes Ivy get a tattoo, which we never see but we see Jessie's tattoo, which is the most fake tattoo I've ever seen. And for some reason, Blackie is playing the tattoo artist. I wonder if he's using magic ink that causes the tattoo to leave Ivy's body. And that's not the only time Robert Englund gets to flex his acting muscle. There's a scene where he plays an old foreign land lady AND an extremely stereotypical cab driver. If you thought Freddy did some stupid shit, you should see this crap.

Anyway, Ivy arrives at Fay's apartment and turns out Fay was lying about being rich and fucking wealthy men or whatever and this upsets Jessie. Fay asks the cafe to transport her to the apartment to kick Jessie's ass, but Jessie knows to go back to the cafe to not only rob it, but do vague things to Fay! And of course Blackie and Frank isn't around.

Frank ends up getting a ride from Fay and Ivy' mom, who shows up rather pointlessly at the end just so they can have a happy reunion. Blackie transports Jessie into the back of a cop car and this ends the third episode. I will be watching the rest of the episodes I got and report back. If it's anything worth reporting.

So far, this show is a bit slow and kinda confusing. You hear Wes Craven is doing a TV show with Robert Englund called "Nightmare Cafe" and you think "oh shit, shit is gonna be fucked up here!" But this is just a boring version of "Tales From The Crypt" with a cafe setting. I think the cafe is under used in certain episodes and at times it's a bit over used. I'm confused on what their situation is. Are they dead or alive? How long do they have to do this cafe thing? Can they go home at the end of the day? I don't really understand it. And having Robert Englund talk to the camera and give us opening and closing narration just makes me think they wanted to rip off "The Twilight Zone". I guess it just leaves me wanting more. Again, I have to watch the other episodes to see where they went with the whole thing but considering it was cancelled after 5 or 6 episodes, I don't have much hope.
-Jason

The Post In Which Jason Talks About His Writing

The other day I got to thinking about my writing style and how I'm considered a "movie reviewer". The thing is, I don't really "review" movies, I more or less summarize them, in a rather hilarious fashion. And there's not many people with websites who just sum up an entire movie. The guy who runs "The Agony Booth" USE to do it before he turned into nothing but video reviews. (No offense, Albert.) But maybe this is why I'm not as popular as a lot of other folks are.

The main reason I don't really "review" a movie, in terms of talking about what the writer, director, or actor was trying to say is because I really can't pick out things like that. I guess I have some disorder where I just see things at face value. I never was too good on symbolism, which is probably why "Southland Tales" damn near broke my brain. I'm sure Richard Kelly THOUGHT he was doing and/or saying something but all I got out of it was "blah blah blah Jesus Revelations the end of the world The Rock Justin Timberlake lip syncs The Killers and what the fuck is Jon Lovitz AND Kevin Smith doing here?! blah blah blah." Like really, a guy dying on a giant toilet probably meant SOMETHING. But what, fuck if I know.

Ok, here's another example. A long time ago, my friend Adam told me to watch this movie called "Greaser's Palace". It's a film by Robert Downey SENIOR and it's suppose to all be symbolism about Jesus or whatever. The only thing I really got was the main guy was suppose to be Jesus. And that was it. The movie is about two hours long and I didn't understand one fucking thing. I remember some guy couldn't shit throughout the entire movie and he had an outhouse on the second floor for some reason. I remember some other guy shooting at some chick in the desert but he was using his fingers as a gun. And I remember some guy named Homo dying a lot. Again, no fucking clue. I'm sure someone read all of that and said "Well, duh! The dude shitting represents-" whatever.

I should watch "Greaser's Palace" again soon.

The point is, I can't expound on a film if I can't read too closely into it. I think I just enjoy what I do because I get to talk about shitty horror movies where stupid things happen and make stupid jokes about them and you come here to laugh at it. I guess shitty horror movie doesn't have a lot of depth to them, which is the point of a shitty horror movie. But there are times where this problem I have kinda aggravates me.

Like a few weeks ago, I was on a LAMBcast were we talked about "Scott Pilgrim vs The World". The idea was some guy actually hates that movie and me and 6 other people had to tell this guy how big of a fucking asshole he is for not liking that movie. And of course I went first and...I had no idea what to say. Didn't help the fact it was a Sunday morning, when I was drinking the night before. The only thing this guy needed to know was "Scott Pilgrim" is an awesome movie, but he had to ask WHY it's awesome. And me saying "PFFT! Dude! C'mon!" didn't really sway his opinion. Thankfully, I was quiet throughout the rest of the episode. In fact, I think I fell asleep a couple of times.

The way I write about movies probably isn't the best way to go because I give full details on what happens and this poses a problem for two reasons: 1-if you already seen the movie, you know what happens and you just want to know what I thought about shit and 2-if you HAVEN'T seen the movie, you don't read my posts because I spoil the movie for you. So really, what the hell am I doing? I guess just writing things and seeing who responds to what.

So what's the point of this post? Well, all of this was just inside my head and since I live with someone who doesn't understand movie geekdom and what I do here, I didn't have any one else to talk do, so I just let it out on everybody reading this. I'm sure there are people who love what I do, even though I rarely hear about it, and winning Best Horror Blog four years in a row is probably some kind of sign, but at times I just feel kinda blah about the whole thing and get down on myself for not being a better writer. In fact, if I was a better writer, I'd know how to end this post. Instead, I just have...this.



Boy, Justin Timberlake loves to waste beer, don't he?
-Jason